In the grand scheme of things I don't really know where the idea of this story came from. It's nuts or as the title says insanity. Seriously. My only excuse is that I was on cough medicine and was a little out of it. When I read it later I thought it hilarious. I hope it's enjoyed and it is SO not to be taken seriously. Okay? Enjoy!
Life, you think while people watching in the park; is full of irony. You sleep with your husband's best friend; he runs away and sleeps with an intern of all people, calls you Satan and treats you like dirt.
You don't really mind being called Satan because you've called yourself worse things. You hear about the little argument that Derek and his intern had where the now famous or infamous "You don't get to call me a whore" speech.
You're the whore. Oh Derek might have called you that in one of the yelling matches that you love so much, but he didn't really mean it in the end.
Sleeping with your husband's best friend certainly doesn't give you any brownie points in life, but what your husband doesn't know, and the thing that makes you whore worthy, is that you've slept with more people than just his best friend.
You are the mother of all whores.
In fact you are the queen of all whores.
Realizing early on that you wanted out of your marriage, but knowing Derek wouldn't just let you go just because you wanted it, you decided to destroy his faith in you. Maybe then he'd sign the divorce papers you had drawn up years ago.
You do realize that this is perhaps too much of a Satan like thing to do but it's the best idea that you could come up with at the time. Hindsight is a bitch.
So you invite Mark, your husband's best friend, to the house you share with said husband and indulge in his fantasy of taking you in every conceivable place in the house. Coincidentally enough you also realize that Derek is on his way home. Where does he find you?
In the bedroom.
How boring is that?
His reaction is priceless and you expect him to come storming into the room, bitch slap you and throw Mark out on his ass. Instead he turns tail and runs. How very unoriginal of him. So you end up throwing Mark out on his ass, which is more fun that it has any right to be, and ponder your next move.
What to do? What to do?
You decide to give it a few months for his anger and resentment to grow and fester and then you fly across the country to get him to sign the divorce papers. He takes them and you think yes, I'm finally FREE, but alas he doesn't sign them. What's up with that?
You cheated on him with his best friend and he won't let you go?
You're starting to think that your husband is a glutton for punishment. Telling Derek about the other people you've slept with would probably do the trick, but you want to wait it out. See if he leaves you for his little intern.
You subliminally try and convince the girl to go after Derek. It's exactly something that Satan would do. With a frown you realize that perhaps you are getting too caught up in that particular role.
Watching the two dance around each other for months on end is enough to make you want to shoot yourself in the head just to end the insanity, but you don't want to die because there is still too much sex to be had.
As the months go by your patience for waiting is getting thinner and you are getting closer to telling Derek just how much of a whore you really are. Mark wasn't the only best friend of your husband's you've slept with.
You slept with Weiss, which was nice. You slept with Savvy, which was much better. Than it was with Sav and Weiss at the same time, which was amazing!
You slept with those two hunky models you met in the bar, which still gets you hot just remembering.
There was that hot waitress at the little cafe that you and Derek used to go to together that you found so quaint. The thought of having hot sex with that particular waitress in the quaint cafe makes you giggle because you know how infatuated Derek was with her.
Telling Derek about all of these liaisons should be enough, you think, for Derek to dump you faster than he could say WHORE!!!
But then you think that Derek would probably make you stay with him forever and ever to punish you. He thinks he's been punishing you all these months when in reality you've been having hot closet sex with Izzie Stevens. You smile thinking of her and those long legs and the cupcakes she likes to bake you.
With a shake of your head, you realize that you've gotten off track. You wonder if pulling out the big guns, the piece d'resistance would help your case any, but then you realize upon learning of your ace in the whole, he'd probably murder you in your sleep and make it look like an accident.
And, in the grand scheme of things, that's not really how you wanted to leave this plane of existence.
Who on Earth could possibly induce a murderous rage when sleeping with two best friends, her best friend, two hot guys and the chick from the cafe failed?
Margie.
Rather Margaret as she likes to be called, because she's an adult now, and wants an adult name. It's not like she was called Bambi or Kiki but whatever she wants. Who is Margaret?
Derek's youngest sister, of course, who is a model and is hotter than any one person has any right to be. This particular conquest probably puts you into another category altogether seeing as how you bathed Margaret when she was a baby.
You tell yourself it wasn't incestuous because she wasn't your family, and you didn't love --let alone really like Derek anymore, or so you try to tell yourself.
On the eve of her eighteenth birthday, Margaret comes up to you and whispers in your ear. She whispers things so dirty they make even you blush, and that's saying a lot. She makes a request of you to do all sorts of naughty things with her and in the end how can you refuse an offer like that?
You tell her, "Wait til tomorrow," because even though you are both Satan and a whore you are not going to rob the cradle. So you wait till she is really eighteen and you do all those things she put in your head.
It was hot.
It was naughty, and something you were totally going to go to hell for, but if you are going to go to hell why not if be over some of the hottest sex you've had in your entire life.
And, again that's saying a lot.
In the end you decide not to tell Derek about that particular affair because you do enjoy the living. When he asks you to the prom you act all giddy and hopeful when you are praying, wishing, fervently sending telepathic messages, for Derek to leave you the hell alone and go off and do the deed with the woman he really wanted, which he did.
Again you give the divorce papers to Derek but again he refuses you saying how he's a horrible little man who doesn't deserve you but wants yet another chance to work things out.
The thought of murdering him in his sleep and making it look like an accident is starting to have some appeal.
Maybe if he catches you in another clinch he'll let you go. So you arrange for him to find you having hot and heavy sex with Alex Karev to which he just stands and watches. What a perve.
When you have that talk that you need to have he says he 'doesn't blame you' and 'it's all his fault'.
You've taken Derek in fights before and think that maybe you could take him when he comes at you with a six-inch butcher knife in the middle of the night. When he's trying to be all lovey dovey and you've reached the end of your proverbial rope you blurt:
"I had sex with your sister."
You wish you had a camera because the look on his face is priceless.
You sit in a silent contest of wills and the silence is finally broken by him saying, "I know."
Your world comes to a screeching halt and you offer up a very intelligent, "Eh?"
"She told me about it a few years ago. We compared notes."
Who is this man in front of you and why are you getting turned on by him?
"I slept with Savvy and Weiss," you say
A raised eyebrow is his response, "I slept with Savvy."
Darn.
"Two hot guys at the same time."
"Two hot chicks."
You smirk at him. "I bet you mine was more fun."
"Of this I have no doubt."
"That woman you were totally enthralled with at that cafe that we used to go to in New York."
He raises an eyebrow at this once again, which you find incredibly sexy. Again you wonder what's wrong with you.
"That trumps anything I can offer up. She was hot."
"Yeah," you say with a wistful smile
Derek sighs, "Are we done?"
"Done?"
He gazes at you steadily, and you realize what he means.
"Have we gotten all of this out of our system?"
You smirk at him, "One more thing I want to do."
"What's that?"
"Three words. You. Me. Izzie."
"Izzie. I thought you were sleeping with Alex."
"Who says I wasn't?" You smirk back
He pulls your body closer to his, "If I indulge in your little fantasy then are we done? Can it just be me and you?"
You yank the shirt up out of his pants, "You better believe it buddy."
"We are both sick, sick people," Derek smirks
Two of a kind as it would turn out. You turn your head as Izzie sits next to you.
"Last night was...interesting," she remarks gazing at you sidelong, "And hot."
"It certainly was."
"It was the end though?"
"It was."
She shrugs, "Was nice while it lasted."
"We'll always have this to remember it by," You comment holding up a DVD
She grins and snatches it from you. We'd taped the events of the previous night for posterity.
"You and Doctor Shepherd are sick, sick people," Izzie observes, clutching onto the disk to her chest tightly as if you were going to take it back
"Welcome to the club."
Izzie grins as she watches Derek saunter toward us, "Happy to be here. Very happy indeed."
Indeed.
And again SO not to taken seriously. How'd you like it? Did it make you giggle like a loon for which people gave you odd looks when you were reading it in front of others? Feedback is the spice of life, especially when I'm stuck on an Aircraft Carrier in the middle of the ocean and any human contact is appreciated:)