AUTHOR'S NOTES: Guess whose back? No, not Neverthrive, you silly man, you. It's me, (REAL NAME WITHHELD), AKA Mr. Nanook! Yeah, that Regular Show project was a massive failure, ending with me cancelling the entire thing, but that's a different story that no one wants to listen to. Anyway, this year will be massive for me and fanfics as I have about nine concepts in the pipeline right now. This baby right here is phase one! Enjoy this journey into the wondrous world of "what the heck would happen if this happened instead?"
Another day, another name change. bazaaboy44 has been killed and Mr. Nanook is his replacement. A new name for a new generation. Besides, the other one wasn't catchy and it was pretty old.
I'd love to say "It's great to be back", but seeing as this place hasn't exactly changed much since I've been gone and I can't help but notice that there is still a high abundance of Fiolee and Sugarless Gum fanfics spawning on here, that statement would be invalid. Honestly, if it wasn't for SCIK1012's fanfics, I would've retired months ago.
Special thanks to the Adventure Time Wiki for providing me with the proper transcripts and telling me that Hot to the Touch was leaked so I could watch it early. That reminds me: why aren't you visiting their website yet?
I do not own Adventure Time. Adventure Time belongs to Cartoon Network.
Requested by: Your new fan
Another rainy day in the Land of Ooo forces our two heroes to stay inside for now. While Finn was upstairs playing a video game on BMO, Jake was downstairs plotting a prank. A nice, delicious, buttery, mouth-watering, tasty, good on toast…sorry, lost my train of thought. Anyway, Jake climbed up the stairs carrying a big garbage bag full of delicious fun. As he entered the room, he chuckled deviously at his epic prank that was about to unfold.
"What's so funny?" Finn asked as he kept his eyes focused on his video game.
"Oh, you know, just takin' this garbage bag of butter..." Jake said as he brought the garbage bag over his head and grunting, "...into the house."
"Dude. That's not that funny," Finn said back and failed to notice the garbage bag being thrown towards him and breaking apart, covering Finn with a massive amount of buttery goodness. What a mess! "Ohhh, butter pranked! I can't believe I didn't see that coming!"
"Heh," Jake chuckled. "Yeah, I'm a genius."
Finn took this as a challenge, and the human boy was not one to take this sitting down. "You have offended my honor, sir," he said and stood up on the table, "and in so doing, you have awoken the pranking demon that sleeps in my pits!" As he got closer to the pudgy stretchy dog, he continued his warning. "The demon is coming for you, mortal. It is going to prank you... so... HARD!"
"Whatever," Jake said, seemingly unfazed by Finn's threat. "I'm gonna take a day long nap." He yawned and walked away to take said nap, all while already snoring and his eyes closed.
"That's right, sucka! Go nap it up, for when you awake, the pranking demon will be upon you!" he warned as the dog left the room. After Jake shut the door, Finn realized that finding a prank better than that would be challenging. What could be better than throwing a big bag of butter on someone? To get the answer he asked a book on the table he was kneeling on. "Answer me, book!" he pleaded. "What's better than butter?!" He turned the pages for an idea and came across various pictures with some of them bearing erroneous descriptions. He kept flipping pages until he saw something that gave him a great idea. "Wait! Book, rewind!" he said and turned back a page to a picture of a pie. "That's it! I'll throw never-ending pies at Jake's face forever!" Finn immediately went to the garage to put his mental blueprint into action and was set to prank Jake hard.
I'm gonna build me a pie throwin' robot
That throws never ending piii-ies
On Jake's ugly faaa-ace
And he won't know what hit him
'Cause the pies are
N-n-n-n-never... n-n-n-n-never
N-n-n-never... ending!
"It's never-ending pie-throwing time!" Finn declared as he looked at his new robot. Built from a microwave with tank treads on the bottom, a circuit board on the front, a robotic arm, a soup can with wires inside it and a scary face drawn on it, and tape to hold the circuit board and soup can in place. "Come on, dude! Turn on!" he said as he pushed a button on the front of the machine. Nothing happened. The new robot didn't move one bit, nor did it show any indication that its been activated. Finn was disappointed. "Why isn't it working?!" he whined as he picked up his creation and threw it out to the grass in front of the garage he was in. He breathed in slowly and looked at his robot with contempt. "I'll never make a prank better than Jake's garbage bag full of butter," he said in defeat.
Suddenly, a bolt of lightning struck the robot and the resulting shock gave life to the little machine. "Ouch!" it said, much to Finn's surprise. The robot was alive!
"Holy stuff!" he exclaimed. "It talked!" He ran over to it to get a closer look.
"Greetings, creator. My name is Neptr," it said, "which stands for 'Never-Ending Pie-Throwing Robot!'" The two spend a moment to get acquainted with each other as Finn declared that it was exactly the kind of robot that he was trying to make. When asked if it's ready to prank Jake, Neptr revealed that it's not entirely up to it yet.
"Creator, I am eager to commence the creation and propulsion of pies forever, but my pie-hucking appendage is... malfunctioning," it explained as it tried to move its only arm, "and my oven lamp is cold, and my tank treads do not roll! They only do skids!" Neptr then spun around uncontrollably in a circle, much to the concern of Finn. "Why, creator?!" the robot asked. "Does it please you to watch me struggle?!"
Finn had seen enough. He couldn't stand by and watch his creation suffer. "Neptr!" he began. "Don't say stuff like that! Look, I know we just met, and you're probably going through a lot of personal stuff right now, but I really like you, Neptr, and I'm not gonna rest until you're working properly and throwing hot pie on my best friend's face. Together, we're gonna prank the poots out of Jake!" he declared.
"Haha!" Neptr laughed. "I'll always love you, creator!"
"I know you will, Neptr. Now, all we need is more lightning power so you can be operating at full capacity! And I think I know just the dumb-hole who we can get some from."
With the help of several prankster balloons, Finn and Neptr successfully infiltrated the Ice King's palace in order to get to his secret lightning bolt stash.
"But creator is not breaking and entering wrong?" Neptr asked in concern. Finn assured it that they're actually pranking and entering. The two managed to literally slip to the underground caverns and found the lightning bolt stash. Before they could get their hands on it, Ice King appeared and destroyed the machine containing the bolts. Neptr was tossed into the fray and was shocked by the Ice King. The effect of the shock activated its circuits and it was now fully operational. Before it could celebrate, Finn called for help as his head was being crushed by a vicious Ice-o-pede. Neptr tossed many pies at the ice creature's face and saved Finn. The Ice-o-pede smashed a wall open, giving Finn and Neptr a chance to escape.
"What was in those pies?" Finn asked as they ran towards the opening.
"Just boysenberries," Neptr chuckled. "And also...poison." The chuckle then turned sinister. Finn was concerned about his robot's strange behavior but continued on with the escape. Ice King shot bolts of lightning at the pair, but missed every shot.
"Something about that robot I tried to kill fills me with... deep longing," he said to himself as he saw them fly away on balloons.
Finn and Neptr had made it back to the treehouse and they were now set to prank Jake.
"I am troubled, creator," Neptr brought up. "Troubled by a sudden urge to... collect princesses." Finn told it that that's a heavy unsettling thing to say and that they're about to prank Jake. Finn opened the door and found the Ice King inside. Finn told Neptr to run and tried to attack the intruder, but was struck by a bolt of ice lightning which encased him in ice with his head and right arm sticking out.
"I've come to take my son," Ice King revealed as he flew towards Neptr.
"Your son?!" Finn exclaimed. He couldn't believe it; Ice King was here to take Neptr! Ice King said that it was his power that activated Neptr's full potential. When he shocked it, his private particles were infused into it and that it wants to be with him. Finn rebutted by saying it wanted to be with him. Neptr was torn as it had both a love for princesses and pranking. Ice King decided to take Neptr to his Imagination Zone to show it what's in store if it decided to side with him.
"Now that we've entered my imagination zone, allow me to tantalize you with this!" Ice King snapped his fingers and twenty princesses from the Land of Ooo appeared around them. "Princesses! As my son, you will carry on the tradition of capturing ladies!"
"Tell me more, Papi!" Neptr said, eager to know more about princess capturing.
"I want a son who can do better than I. One who can succeed where I... have failed. You can mate with robot princesses!"
"Can I still prank with Finn after?" Ice King rejected the idea and showed it what would happen if it hung out with Finn. Neptr saw a vision of Finn and Jake farting on it. Much to Ice King's surprise, this delighted Neptr, claiming that it loves Finn's pranks.
"NOOOO!" Ice King bellowed. All of them exited the Imagination Zone and were back outside the treehouse. Ice King had had enough; he needed to know who Neptr wants to end up with. "I'm through playing around, son," he said angrily. "Who do you choose?"
Neptr had to make a decision and it had to make it now. It was difficult. It had both a desire to capture princesses and prank Jake. The lightning bolt that had struck it fueled it to want a taste of the kidnapping style that Ice King had been doing for years. Ice King knew that with the proper training, his new son could rise to the top in the princess-kidnapping business that he had been doing for years. Heck, maybe Neptr can become better than him someday! Just the thought of this made the Ice King smile with glee. However, a human with a determination to keep his creation speaks up, wiping the grin off the Ice King's face.
"Come on, Neptr," Finn said, hoping that it will make the right choice. "Choose me, buddy. Choose pranks."
"I... uh," Neptr stammered. It was decision time and it had to choose. "I... choose..."
It was time. "Ice King!"
"WHAT?!" Finn shrieked in disbelief. He couldn't believe it; his creation took his arch-nemesis' side! He was stunned. Finn had hoped that this was all just a prank and that Neptr would change its mind and choose him instead; perhaps even hit Ice King in the face with a pie! Now that would be great, but all Finn could do was hope.
It was all for nothing.
"He made his choice! Get over it, crybaby!" Ice King argued and picked up his new son.
"Sorry, creator. I just don't think I'm fit for pranking," Neptr revealed. "I think capturing princesses would be more suited for my design."
"But Neptr, it's in your name!" Finn brought up, hoping that he could talk it out of its terrible decision. "'Never-Ending Pie-Throwing Robot!' You were made for pranking, buddy and you know it!"
Before Neptr could emit a response, Finn suddenly found himself encased in a block of ice. "There!" Ice King said, him being the source of Finn's sudden freezing. "I didn't think he'd ever shut up! Let's go, son! We got a ton of work to do!" And with that, Ice King flapped his beard and began to float. Within seconds, he was in flight with Neptr in his arms, ready to take it to its new home. Neptr looked back at Finn who was frozen in place.
"Goodbye, creator…" it said.
"Welcome to your new home, son!" Ice King said with a warm smile. Neptr noticed a laundry hamper filled to the top with dirty clothing on one side of the room and its father's unclean exercise equipment on the other. This was now home. "What do you think, son?"
"Um," it started to say, unsure of what to think of this new change of environment "it's nice…"
Ice King noticed some doubt in Neptr's tone and told it, "Now don't worry. This place will be cleaned up by tomorrow. I'll buy some new lamps and maybe hang up some plants. Trust me: this place will be a magnet for princesses!" Neptr smiled at its father's response. "By the way, what's your name again, son?"
"My name is Neptr. That stands for 'Never-Ending Pie-Throwing Robot'!"
"Not anymore! Now it stands for 'Never-Ending Princess-Taking Robot'! We got to keep up with the times, son!" Small footsteps were heard. Ice King and Neptr turned around to see Gunter walking towards them. He looked at Neptr and noticed that it was the same robot that had snuck in earlier. "Ah! Gunter! I'm so glad you're here! I'd like you to meet your new brother, Neptr."
Neptr moved closer and extended its robot hand to Gunter. "Hello, Gunter. I'm Neptr. That now stands for 'Never-Ending Princess-Taking Robot'! Nice to meet you."
Gunter looked Neptr straight in the eyes and narrowed them. His face now displayed a shade of anger. "WENK WENK WENK WENK WENK!" he squawked furiously. "WENK! WENK WENK WENK WENK WENK WENK! WENK WENK WENK WENK WENK WENK WENK WENK! WENK WENK WENK! WENK WENK WENK WENK WENK WENK WENK WENK WENK WENK WENK! WENK WENK! WENK!"
"GUNTER!" Ice King said in shock. "Uh, he didn't mean that, Neptr!"
Neptr was confused at Gunter's outburst, mostly because it didn't understand what the angered bird just said. "What did he say about me, Papi?" it questioned.
"Oh! Um, just that he's glad to meet you and that he's really looking forward to seeing you around the castle!" Ice King lied. He picked up Gunter and took him to the next room to scold him for his rude behavior towards his new brother.
"Where did you learn that language, mister?!" he demanded to know.
"Wenk wenk wenk!" he responded.
"That is not how you talk to your new brother!"
"Wenk wenk!"
"I know you didn't ask for one, but sometimes miracles happen!"
"Wenk wenk wenk wenk!"
"He's going to live with you and the rest of the penguins because you're all family!"
"Wenk!"
"Yes, he is and that's final, Gunter!" And with that, Ice King stormed away. Neptr could barely hear what they were arguing about but it was pretty sure that it wasn't good.
"What's wrong with Gunter, Papi?" Neptr asked. "Is he mad at me?"
"What, him? No!" he assured it. "He just needs some time to warm up to the idea. Well anyway, let me show you around!" he walked Neptr to the hallway and passed several rooms. "That over there is the kitchen," he said, pointing to a room to his left. "And over there is my bedroom. By the way, if you ever see a tie on the door, that means 'do not enter!'" Neptr looked inside and noticed the ice cage in the corner of the room.
"Is that where we'll keep the princesses?" it asked, pointing to the cage with its arm.
"Good eye, Neptr!" Ice King complimented. "Indeed, this is where we'll keep the princesses. I'm planning on adding a bed soon, you know, to make them feel more welcome."
Ice King led Neptr out of his bedroom and continued the tour. After showing him the bathroom and the stairway to the underground portion of the castle, he decided to show Neptr a special secret place that only he knows about. He walked him towards a mirror and lifted up the top of an icicle on the floor, revealing a red button.
"Okay, son," he said. "This place is very special to me and only I know about it. So don't tell anyone about this, okay?" Neptr agreed to this and Ice King pushed the button. Right before Neptr's eyes, the mirror slid down to the ground, revealing a secret room. "Welcome to my Secret Sanctum!"
"Wow!" Neptr commented, clearly amazed at what he was looking at. Inside the room was a spectacular amount of ninja objects and memorabilia. He moved in closer to a display case where he saw numerous weapons, such as nunchaku, sais, a katana, and a bō, weapons suited for giant mutant turtles. "This is way impressive, Papi!"
"It is, isn't it? It's just an interest, really."
"Why do you keep this amazing place a secret?" Neptr pondered.
"I can't have Gunter sticking his nose around here, or Gob forbid, Gunther finding out about this place and breaking all my bottles with ancient ninja scrolls inside them!"
"But then why would you show me this place?"
Ice King sighed and then told Neptr, "I trust you, son. That's why I showed you this place." He walked around the room and opened the Ninjas of the Ice: The Art of Fridjitzu manual, randomly skimping through the pages. "Someday, when it's my time to go, all this will be yours. I've always wanted to have a successor. Someone to succeed where I have failed and be able to mate with robot princesses, and knowing that I'll most likely never find a princess to carry my seed, you are the closest thing I've got," He turned his attention back to Neptr, walked towards it and picked it up. "You're the son I've always wanted, and with my help, we'll capture all the princesses in Ooo and you'll have moms as far the eye can see!" he concluded as he giggled with glee.
Neptr laughed, as well. It was unsure about its new kidnapping lifestyle, but now saw that it had nothing to worry about, especially with its father by its side.
"You ready to begin your training, son?" Ice King asked.
"Bring it on!" Neptr replied with confidence.
"Hey, Finn? Youse dead or what?" a small fire rodent asked him. It was none other than Flambo, who had conveniently been strolling around the Grasslands looking for something to eat. He stumbled upon the rather unusual sight of Finn encased in a block of ice. "Okay, Finn. I'll help ya, but youse owes me!" Flambo hopped on top of the block and sat there, slowly melting the ice. "This could take a while, so hangs tight, Finn!"
Both Ice King and Neptr moved to the center of the Secret Sanctum to begin their training. Levitating ice blocks surrounded the pair as Ice King used his ice powers to create a hammer and chisel. He then created a large ice block and spent several minutes sculpting a crude sculpture of Princess Bubblegum; his "number one".
"This fine lady right here is Princess Bubblegum!" he said, admiring his creation. In reality, there was nothing to admire. The sculpture was terrible and barely resembled anything close to a living being. The eyes were placed too low on the face, the signature soft bubblegum hair was instead rough and pointy-looking, and the hips and arms were misaligned, giving the sculpture an uneven appearance. The first thing that Neptr noticed was that the sculpture was sporting an ice bikini as opposed to Bubblegum's traditional dress.
"Oh my," Neptr commented, feeling a little flustered at the sight of Mutant Bubblegum ice sculpture.
"Yeah, a real beauty, isn't she?" Ice King said. He started to ogle it himself and was inexplicably aroused. "Man, what I would do…" he thought to himself. He snapped out of his excited state and said to Neptr, "Uh, anyway! Let's get started! Let's pretend that this hot hottie is the real Princess Bubblegum."
"She's very pretty, Papi," Neptr said. It rolled in closer to get a better look of the sculpture.
"Now, how would you capture this princess?" Ice King questioned. Suddenly, Neptr was stumped. It had wanted to capture princesses but didn't know how it's done. Did you have to ask them if you can capture them or did you just snatch them away when they least expect it? It pondered on how to possibly capture this test princess.
"Umm, hello there Princess Bubblegum," it said nervously. "Would you mind if I, uh…I-umm, I…" It started to stammer and struggle with its words. Neptr was under a lot of pressure and was extremely nervous. Any wrong move could possibly incur the wrath of its father, it thought to itself. Ice King was watching closely at his son and wondered why it hadn't made it move. Unaware of its sudden case of cold feet, he asked it what the holdup was. "Would you mind if I…if I kidnapped you?" it managed to finally say.
Ice King facepalmed at Neptr's attempt to capture a princess and was ready to strike. "WHAT?!" he snapped. "You don't ask a princess if she wants to be kidnapped; you just take her!" To show Neptr how it's done, he flapped his beard, flew over the sculpture and picked it up from its head. "See? Like this!" However, he failed to keep a proper grip on the thing and it ended up crashing down to the floor, sending bits and pieces of ice flying all over the room. One chunk of ice hit Neptr in the face and forced it on its side.
"Ouch!" it groaned.
"Well," Ice King spoke, "that wasn't supposed to happen, but you gotta do it like that!" He flew down to the ground and walked towards Neptr to pick it up. "What's wrong, son?"
"It was my first time, Papi," it revealed. "I just panicked! I didn't know what I was supposed to do!" Its eyes looked down on the floor to avoid seeing the disappointment on its father's face. "I'm sorry, Papi."
Ice King's expression changed from angry to sympathetic. How could he have been so stupid? Of course Neptr didn't know how to capture princesses. It had never done it before in its entire day of existence! Ice King kicked himself for being so careless and hugged his son.
"No, son," he said. "I'm sorry." Neptr looked back up at the Ice King's face. "I should have known you don't have experience capturing princesses. That's why I'm here. Let's try this again, but this time I'll be helping you." Neptr smiled in response. Ice King followed suit. For their next test, they went to his bedroom to try again.
The ice block that Finn was incased in had only melted by half an inch. It was sunset and Flambo was still standing on top of the ice block, slowly melting the thing in order to thaw Finn out and possibly receive a reward for his troubles.
"Any minute now, Finn," he told him. "Youse be out in no time!"
The sun was sinking to the horizon and the moon would soon take over.
"Okay, Neptr. Let's try this again, but this time as a team!" Ice King said. He had revised his plan to teach Neptr and came up with the plan to capture princesses as a tag-team. "You remember the plan, Neptr?"
"Of course, Papi!" Neptr replied with glee. "You'll distract the princess with your good looks, and then I'll toss a pie at her face! Then you'll grab her and we'll fly back here!"
"Perfect! Now for the test subject. Oh, Gunter!"
"…"
"GUNTER!"
A moment passed and out of the Ice King's closet walked in a penguin wearing a Princess Bubblegum wig and lipstick. Gunter had been forced to be a test subject for this experiment and was not happy one bit.
"Okay, now stand here, Gunter." Ice King demanded as he pointed to a spot next to him. Gunter didn't budge and simply looked at Ice King with contempt and hatred. "Now, mister!" he said with his voice raised. Gunter slowly waddled towards the spot he was pointing at and stood there. "Good boy. Now, are you ready, Neptr?"
"Let's do this!"
"Okay, action!" Ice King said. He walked towards Gunter and asked him, "Oh, excuse me Princess Bubblegum, but I can't help but notice you noticing me! Would you be so kind as to walk closer towards my face?"
Gunter didn't follow.
"I said 'Would you be so kind as to walk closer towards my face?'" he repeated. Gunter still didn't get what he was trying to do. Fed up, Ice King stomped towards Gunter, squatted down next to him and whispered angrily to his ear, "That's your cue to walk towards me, Gunter!" Ice King crawled back into position and repeated himself one more time. Gunter quietly squawked to himself and walked closer to Ice King. As soon as he got close enough, Ice King grabbed Gunter and spun him around so he'd be facing Neptr, who was just across the pair. "Now, Neptr!"
Neptr spun to its side and launched a hot boysenberry pie towards Gunter's face. The penguin's eyes grew wide as the pie flew towards him full-force. He squawked and moved out of the way just in time. Unfortunately for the Ice King, the pie hit him instead.
"AAAHHHH!" he screamed in pain. "My face! My beautiful face!" He fell to the floor and patted away the chunks of pie on his face.
"Oh no!" Neptr said as it rushed to its father's aid. "I'm sorry, Papi!" During the commotion, Gunter walked closer to Neptr and pushed a button on its microwave that caused another boysenberry pie to fly from its door, hitting Ice King in the face again and making him cry in pain.
"Wenk wenk!" he squawked as he slid away on his belly and left Ice King in pain with Neptr in front of him.
"Oh no!" Neptr remarked. "I didn't mean that! Gunter pushed a button on my-" Before it could finish its explanation, Ice King snapped up and ran to the bathroom.
"Get away from me, Neptr!" he screamed as he ran to the sink to wash his face with cold water. Neptr moved towards the bathroom to see the Ice King rinsing his face. He turned around and saw Neptr in the doorway. In response, he flew towards the door and shut it. "Stay away, Neptr!" he screamed from the other side of the door.
Neptr sighed sadly and rolled back to the bedroom. It took in what just happened and couldn't help but feel entirely responsible. Sure, Gunter was the one who moved out the way and pushed the button on its body, but it was the one who threw the pies. Suddenly, the name "Never-Ending Pie-Throwing Robot" rubbed Neptr the wrong way, but it was unsure that "Never-Ending Princess-Taking Robot" was an appropriate name for it. Neptr was ashamed of itself. It had failed its father and its own creator. But most importantly, it had failed itself.
"Neptr might as well stand for 'Non-Efficient Pathetic Trash Robot," it said with grief. Neptr slowly rolled out of the bedroom and to the room where the penguins sleep.
Under the Ice King's bed, Gunter was laying there and observed the whole thing. He felt bad and couldn't help but pity the poor robot. He felt even worse knowing that he caused Ice King to be in pain. All Ice King wanted to do was teach his new son how to capture a princess, but Gunter's stubbornness and jealousy got the best of him. He waddled towards the penguin room to confront Neptr.
"You know, Finn. For such a late-night job like this, I'm expectin' at least three pieces of charcoal!" Flambo remarked as he was still melting the living ice cube Finn the Human. Progress has been slow since the afternoon and nightfall had already come, so Flambo decided to step down from the top of the ice block and melt it from the bottom. This method was slightly faster as Finn's lower body was now out of the ice. Flambo still had a long way to go, seeing as his upper half is still encased in hard ice. It didn't matter. He was prepared to stay there all night just knowing that the payoff will be all the sweeter.
"You know what, Finn my man? I'll need at least five pieces of charcoal!"
Neptr found a spot near a pile of sleeping penguins to squeeze in and sleep. The quiet squawks of the snoozing penguins filled the room as the robot wondered what purpose it had in life. If it couldn't capture princesses or pull pranks, what can it do? Neptr looked at an opening in the wall and saw the moon. Among the piles of penguins lying on top of old yoga mats, the moon was the only beautiful thing it could see. Neptr fathomed a future where it could serve its purpose, but it was too late. It had abandoned its creator and took the side of its new father, and even it didn't know if that was the right choice.
In Neptr's short life, it only had one goal: to prank Jake. While it had never even met Jake, nor even know what exactly Jake is, it had been determined to do the thing that it was built for. Isn't that what robots were for? Mechanical beings built to serve a purpose? Even Neptr didn't know since its original purpose was replaced with a new one. It wondered what Finn was doing right now and why he didn't come chasing after it. Granted, he was frozen and encased in a block of ice, but it was sure Jake would break him out and they could form a rescue team to save him. But it wasn't to be. Neptr assumed that Finn didn't care and probably built a new robot by now; one that actually follow his orders and pranks people so hard like there's no tomorrow. Neptr's mood fell even further as it started to weep.
"What is my purpose?" it asked somberly with oily tears running down its face. "What am I to do in life? What is life? What can I do right? Why am I so dumb?!" Neptr kept self-loathing and feeling sorry for itself until it was interrupted by a familiar squawk.
"Wenk wenk."
"Huh?" Neptr turned its base to find Gunter walking towards it. A smidgen of anger now filled the robot. "What do you want? Haven't you done enough damage?"
"Wenk wenk wenk," Gunter squawked. Neptr didn't understand his language and couldn't follow.
"I'm sorry Gunter, but I don't understand you," Neptr told him. Gunter suddenly realized something and slid away on his belly. He came back seconds later wearing a strange device with a dial around his neck. It had "Nightmare", "Old Man", and "Nerdy Alien" as selectable options. Gunter turned the dial to the Old Man option and cleared his throat.
"Neptr," he said with an elderly voice, "Can you understand me now? I'm sorry about what happened earlier."
"Gunter! You can talk?" Neptr asked, amazed at this newfound action by the penguin despite the voice not suiting him at all. Several of the penguins woke up and noticed this sight. They squawked to themselves in disbelief that a talking penguin is in the castle.
"Yeah, I found this Universal Translator when I was flying around with the Ice King. Can you believe someone just tossed it away? Well, anyway I'm sorry about earlier."
"Why did you do it, though? Why do you hate me?" Neptr wanted to know what it did to anger its brother. Surely it couldn't have been because it didn't offer him a pie.
Gunter sighed. "It's because I was jealous. I always considered myself to be the Ice King's son. Well, most of the time, at least. Some days he'll like Goonter or Gunder, but it was mostly me. And then you came along out of nowhere and thought I was being replaced! I just couldn't stand it, so I had been determined to sabotage your chances of replacing me."
Neptr was surprised to hear this. It never knew the close relationship that Gunter had with the Ice King and had no intentions of impairing it. It remembered watching Ice King and him looking at themselves in the mirror and thinking that it was so adorable. Almost like a father and his child. Neptr may have been built to throw never-ending pies at Jake's face, but it was never intended to put a thorn in a relationship.
"And then I saw you cry," Gunter continued. "That's what made me feel terrible. My jealously took the better of me and I apologize for that." Gunter paused and sighed. "It's just…I don't know what I'd do without him. Despite several shortcomings, he does care for me and my brothers and sisters, and I'm sure he cares for you too, despite what happened earlier."
"I'm sorry, Gunter," it said. "It was never my intention. I didn't realize how much you meant to Papi. I just thought you were just a penguin," Neptr turned around and noticed that all the penguins in the room had awoken. They looked on at Gunter and Neptr and then looked at each other. "But now I know that you all are more than just penguins," it rolled forward and said, "You're family."
Gunter walked next to it and declared, "No. We're family. When you're here, you're one of us." Neptr turned to face Gunter and was amazed by this statement. It had finally felt like it belonged to something. It was enthralling to the machine, but it still felt out of place.
"Thank you so much, Gunter,"Neptr responded. "I appreciate the gesture, but I just can't accept it." Upon hearing this, all the penguins in the room squawked in shock. "I'm not a penguin; I'm a robot. But I don't know what kind of robot I am. If I can't prank Jake or capture hot princesses, what purpose do I have? None! I'm just a small robot doomed to roam the land without a purpose."
Gunter could see where Neptr was coming from. He had felt like that before he had met the Ice King. Before the Ice King had walked into his life, Gunter had been a simple penguin with nothing to do but swim and eat fish until one faithful day when he met the strange blue man with the magical crown and loss of sanity. Worried about his mental state, Gunter followed the man around and eventually befriended him. While it doesn't seem like an ideal match, both do consider themselves friends.
"I see," Gunter said. "So what will you do?"
Neptr looked back at the moon and responded by saying, "I don't belong here. I need to find out where I belong. It's for the best," It turned back around and looked at all the penguins. "But no matter where I go, I will always consider you my brothers and sisters." In response, all the penguins walked up to Neptr and hugged it. Neptr never felt more loved in its short life. Not even when it was with Finn.
"Where will you go?" Gunter asked.
"Wherever I'm meant to be," was all it said. Neptr tried to move away from the cuddle-fest that it was currently in, but found it difficult to squeeze out of the group of affectionate birds. It decided to stay for a little while longer to say goodbye to all of its brothers and sisters.
"Ya know, Finn. I know a princess in da Fire Kingdom that would love to meet ya! And she's way hot!" Flambo mentioned to the still-frozen human boy. Flambo's thawing progress was at least 65% complete. Still, it was a long way to go.
After Neptr said its goodbyes to its siblings, it rolled to the Ice Kings bedroom to find a sleeping Ice King with several bandages in his face. The burn marks were faintly visible. He was mumbling about princesses in his sleep, which is no different than any other night. It rolled in closer to his bed to say something.
"Sleep well, Papi. In your Imagination Zone full of beautiful princesses," it said to the snoozing Ice King. It rolled away.
"Mmm…no Purple Princess," Ice King mumbled. "Bubblegum's wearing that schoolgirl outfit because we're studying…"
"Any second now, Finn!" Flambo announced to Finn, who was still frozen. The sun was starting to rise and morning would come soon. Can't say the same for Finn thawing out of the ice, however.
Neptr rolled to the entrance of the castle and what it saw was astounding. Outside waiting for the robot was a wooden sled and over a dozen penguins around it. Gunter stepped forward and said, "This is for you, Neptr. Use this to get out of here is a flash."
Neptr moved closer and was amazed by the present. "For me? Really?"
"Hey, it's the least we could do. We're brothers, after all." Gunter, along with the rest of the penguins picked up Neptr and placed it on top of the sled. "Farewell, brother. Hope you find your purpose in life."
"Thanks, Gunter! Farewell, brothers and sisters!" The penguins gave the sled a shove and Neptr was on its way to a magnificent journey that this lazy writer will most likely never write. The penguins waved goodbye as they saw their sibling slide off in the ice, with Ice King none the wiser.
"Good luck, brother," Gunter said.
"Cock-a-doodle-doo, Finn! Rise and shine, my man!" Flambo cheerily said. Despite taking many hours, Finn was almost thawed completely. All that was left was his head still encased in ice, which was standing in place on an icicle that hadn't been thawed out yet. The icicle holding his head in place suddenly broke in half and Finn's head came crashing to the ground and smashed the ice incasing his head.
"OH MY GOB!" Finn said as he took in his first breath of fresh air since yesterday afternoon. He wiggled all his limbs and regained all his senses. "Neptr! Where's Neptr?"
"Who? It's just me, Finn!" Flambo announced. "By the way, youse owe me about fourteen chunks of charcoal, so pay up!" Finn ignored the fire rodent and sprinted towards the house. "HEY! FINN, GET BACK HERE! I'M NOT DONE TALKIN' TO YOUSE!" Finn slammed the door of his house in response. "THAT'S THE LAST TIME I HELPS YOUSE!"
Inside the house, Jake was opening his eyes from his day-long nap. "Boy that was a great day-long nap!" He turned his head and noticed Finn wasn't in his bed. Before Jake could get up and investigate, Finn bolted up the ladder leading to their room and ran up to Jake.
"Jake! There you are! Where have you been, man?! I was out there frozen all night!" Finn explained, slightly out of breath. "Where the heck were you?!"
"I was taking my day-long nap!" Jake responded. "Why were you frozen all night?" Jake noticed Finn's clothing was wet.
"I was out in the garage yesterday building a never-ending pie-throwing robot to prank the poots out of you, but he wasn't working right! So I went to the Ice King's castle to get some lighting from his lightning stash! But we fought, and Neptr saved me, and then he started saying weird junk about collecting princesses, and-"Finn stopped to take a breath, "and then he asked Neptr who does he choose, and he chose Ice King! He chose Ice King over me! What the stuff, man! Anyway, Ice King then froze me into a block of ice and some weird fire thing thawed me out!"
Jake looked at him dumbfounded. All this information was too much to take in and his head started to hurt. "Dude, what are you talking about? And who's Neptr?"
"There's no time, Jake!" Finn said. "We gotta go rescue Neptr now! Let's go!"
"Wait, you built a pie-throwing robot just to prank me?"
"Umm...yeah?"
"Dude, that's awesome," Jake admitted, giving a thumbs-up.
"Jake, focus!"
Jake sighed. "All right, man. How do we do this?"
"We go to Ice King's castle and take him! Who knows what evil things he's doing to him right now?!" Finn shuddered at the thought. Both he and Jake ran out the door as Jake stretched his arms and legs twenty feet long and galloped to the Ice Kingdom to rescue a robot, with Finn riding on top of his shoulders. Flambo noticed the pair and ran towards them.
"Youse stills owes me charcoals, Finn!" he shouted as he sprinted towards the two.
In his home, Ice King was sitting down on his recliner reading a newspaper and drinking a glass of pineapple juice. He had just woken up two hours earlier and noticed the castle was eerily quiet. Usually at this hour, the penguins would be sliding around and squawking, most of the time demanding breakfast and a bath. "Why is it so quiet in here?" he pondered to himself. "Hey, Gun-"
SMASH! Right through the recently-installed window smashed Finn and Jake ready to attack.
"Ice King! We're here for Neptune, so hand him over!" Jake demanded.
"His name is 'Neptr', Jake," Finn corrected.
"Oh, my bad."
"Hey, I just installed that window!" Ice King whined. "And Neptr already said he wants to be with me, Finn!"
"He doesn't belong here! He belongs with me!" Finn argued and he ran towards the Ice King to throw a punch.
"Zap!" Ice King fought back with an Ice Shock but Finn managed to roll out the way and land an uppercut on the Ice King's jaw, knocking him back on his recliner and dropping his glass of juice on the floor.
"My face!" he said, then turned his head to his right and exclaimed, "My juice!" He turned back to Finn and told him, "Okay, I give! Just don't hurt me! Neptr! Come here! Your mean creator wants you back."
"Wait, you give up?" Jake asked. "I thought this robot was a big deal."
"He's a psychopath! He burned my face twice and nearly killed me! I tell you, that robot is out for blood! Better Finn's blood than mine!" Ice King noticed that Neptr hadn't arrived yet. "Neptr! Where are you, son?" Instead of the robot walking into the room, Gunter stepped in with a note. "Gunter! What'd you do with Neptr?"
"Wenk," he responded and handed Ice King the note. He read it aloud.
"'Papi. I'm sorry it came to this, but I ran away. I'm just not fit for pranking or capturing beautiful princesses. I'm going somewhere where I can find my calling. Maybe even open a pie shop! Wouldn't that be awesome? Anyway, by the time you read this, I'll be long gone. I'm sorry I burned your face twice. It was an accident. Take good care of all my brothers and sisters, because even if you never have a real son of your own, you'll always have them. Farewell, Papi! –Neptr.'" Ice King dropped the note and shed one tear. "He's…gone."
"Neptr ran away?" Finn exclaimed. "I don't believe it!"
"My son! My only son!" Ice King cried. He suddenly felt a light tap on his left leg. He looked down and saw Gunter.
"Wenk wenk wenk," he said. Ice King smiled in response.
"You're right, Gunter," he said as he picked up Gunter. "I still have all of you. Gunther, Gunder, Goonder, Goonthy, Gonter, Ginthy, Gunthy, Goonter, Gun-oh, what the heck? Everyone come to me!"
"What the heck is going on?" Finn asked in confusion. Jake was set to respond with "I don't know, man but we should probably leave," but was interrupted by a stampede of over fifty penguins running both him and Finn over. Ice King laughed in delight by the sight of all his penguins.
"Oh, you guys! We're just one big happy family!" he joyfully said as the penguins gathered up to hug him. Finn and Jake got up and walked out the door, still weary of the events that transpired.
"What the ball happened back there?" Jake questioned.
"I don't know, man. But I don't think I want to know," Finn replied. "Too much poo for the brain."
"Well, alright. So what now? Should we go look for Neptr?"
"Nah, man. Let him be." Jake stopped in his tracks and was shocked.
"Huh?" he said dumbfounded. "Why not? That's what we came here for!"
"I know," Finn admitted, "but I just want him to find his own calling in life. I built him to throw pies at your ugly face, but maybe that's not what he wanted. Maybe he wanted something else, and someday he'll find it. Who am I to get in the way? I'm sure he'll do just fine."
"You seem pretty out of it. You wanna take a day-long nap?" Jake suggested.
Finn yawned loudly and said, "You know what? I do want to take one. It's been a long night and I've spent most of it frozen." Jake chuckled in response.
Gunter stepped outside of the front door to take a break from the cuddlefest inside. He watched Finn and Jake walk away and also noticed a small fire rodent climbing the ledge next to him.
"Hoof! Man, this is tiring!" Flambo griped. "Hey, penguin! Youse seens Finn around? He owes me a lot of charcoal!"
"Wenk," Gunter squawked and pointed north.
"Thanks, man! Oh, I'm gonna give Finn the scorcher of a lifetime, I promise youse that!" he said as he ran north towards the pair in hopes of catching Finn.
"Gunter, where'd you go? We're about to have a dance party!" Ice King called out from inside.
"Wenk wenk!" he squawked as he walked back in to join the group. He took one look back outside and swore he saw Neptr in the distance watching him back. He smiled.
"Hey, brother," Neptr said.
THE END
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Well, stick a fork in this one cause it's done! Reviews, comments, criticism, corrections, questions, pie recipes, phone numbers, and death threats are always welcome.
To make future suggestions easier, I'm going to explain how "What If?" stories work. Basically, I take one event of a previous episode of Adventure Time and have the outcome be different. For example: say instead of Princess Bubblegum turning 18 again in Too Young, she stayed the same age and Lemongrab took complete control of the kingdom. It doesn't always have to be an opposite outcome, however. Random events that never happened in episodes, such as "What if Tree Trunks died?" or "What if Finn ended up with Lady Rainicorn?" are not the "What Ifs?" that I picture. Also, events that are too broad, such as "What if the zombie invasion had spread over Ooo?" or "What if they were all killed in 'Wizards?'" wouldn't strike me as too interesting to write. I mean, they'd probably all be dead. What else do you want me to say? Anyway, don't let this discourage you and send me your requests for future "What Ifs?"! Nanook out.
My personal favorite "What If?" is "What if I actually gave a crud about Fiolee?"
-Mr. Nanook