Spencer
They are excellent profilers. I try to keep a part of myself hidden from them, a part of my life to myself but there is always the chance that I wouldn't be able to. Even trying not to
profile each other we were observant, we still saw things that most people miss. They all
knew most of my private hell as a child: bullying, a mother lost in her own world and an absentee father. I had learned the hard way as a child to block my deepest feelings from those around me. If anyone found out what I was really thinking or feeling that would be ammunition to be used against me. I already had enough to use against me as it was. As I grew up I kept a part of myself separate from those around me, still afraid to trust, afraid to take a chance.
When I joined the BAU, I met the people that I knew would be the hardest to hide myself from. They noticed things and unlike most of the people in my life, they cared. As much as I tried to hide them, there were parts of me that I revealed, my insecurities, my fears.
From all outward appearances, I seem to wear my emotions on my sleeve. But the most
private parts of me stay private. My truest feelings, my deepest thoughts I keep hidden away. That's the safest way for me to live. That's the only way I can survive. What if they knew the real me and hated what I was? I couldn't take the chance; my team is the only family I have besides my mom. I couldn't lose them.
They know being left is my greatest fear, that feeling that I am unworthy of being loved. The fear that I am the reason everyone leaves. They think they won't leave me but deep inside I'm still afraid they will. I know that it's not something they will want to do. It's just inevitable. That's just my life. Gideon, Elle, JJ, they didn't want to leave, things just happened. Life just happened.
Sometimes it's hard not to give up and pour out my soul to one of them.
Morgan with his kind face, his easy manner that makes everyone around him feel safe. He would listen to me, he wouldn't judge me. He is probably the closest thing to family I have ever known other than my mom.
Rossi with his easy confidence and no worry attitude that makes you feel everything will be okay no matter how bad it gets. He tries to act nonchalant but he cares more for all of us than he likes to show.
Garcia with her infectious laugh and big heart that fills your whole life with love, you will always feel loved with Penelope. Her love is unconditional.
Emily with her tough exterior and soft heart that says it's okay to feel sorrow sometimes, just remember to feel happiness too. We had a rocky start that was my fault but she gave me another chance and has been a real friend.
And Hotch, he's the hardest for me to resist. He is tough on the outside but so full of passion for the victims. He is grace under pressure but also forceful when he needs to be. I know I can talk to him and he would understand but he is smart and I don't think I could hide my feelings from him. I've tried not to love him but I have failed.
I'm in love with my boss.
The cases are hard sometimes, well, most of the time. The cruelty that we as humans force on each other sometimes make it impossible not to break down, not to give up. When you see the worst of humanity it's difficult to believe in the best of it.
My memory is a curse.
Everything I read is forever in my mind. Diaries written by people who hold more hate in their hearts than I could ever imagine, case files that reveal the cruel methods they use to release that hatred. I can't get it out of my head. I've tried. Sometimes for a while, I can succeed. But the darkness blindsides me. I can't escape the nightmares.
I know I look like the walking dead. The circles under my eyes are purple. The coffee I've always relied on to help battle the fatigue is failing me. I fight to keep sleep at bay while on the jet or at the hotel, I can't keep the dreams a secret if I fall asleep with Morgan in the next bed or Emily beside me on the jet. If I could wait until I was alone at home no one else would know the extent of my nightmares.
This last case was no worse than anything else we had dealt with, different city, different unsub, same hatred, same cruelties. After a while they all seem to become one constant battle, a fight to save someone from a horrible fate while feeling helpless to stop the unsub before someone else was killed or injured.
The case had ended well. The victim saved, the unsub identified and locked away. It was late, after midnight and we were tired and the jet wouldn't leave before morning. We were on our way back to the hotel and I was panicked. I knew I wouldn't be able to fight the fatigue and that sleep was looming. I also knew that I would never be able to hide a nightmare from Hotch whom for once was my roommate instead of Morgan. I had expected to stay at the police station all night and didn't think it would be a problem but now I was desperate. I was caught. We made it back to the hotel and each went to our respective rooms; Garcia and Prentiss, Rossi and Morgan and Hotch and myself.
I took a shower and changed into my T-shirt and pajama bottoms while Hotch called Jack and Jessica. The time difference meant Jack was still awake. When I came out of the bathroom Hotch was leaning against the headboard of one of the beds still on the phone. I grabbed a book from my bag as Hotch hung up and grabbed his clothes, heading toward the bathroom. I could hear him in the shower as I frantically tried to think of something I could do to stay awake. It was useless.
When Hotch came out I was trying to stifle a yawn and look interested in the book I was holding. He looked beautiful and my breath caught. I knew I was staring but he didn't look my way.
Hotch climbed into his bed and glanced at me sitting at the table. I sighed and closed the book, made my way to the other bed, climbed under the covers and knew fate was not going to be kind to me tonight.
"Reid….Reid….Spencer….wake up," I awoke to Hotch's voice; he was sitting on the side of my bed shaking my shoulders. I gasped for breath and tried to speak but all that came out was a whimper. Hotch looked worried and I could hear Morgan pounding on the door, calling my name. After making sure that I was awake, Hotch walked to the door opening it to the rest of my team standing in their nightwear. I was humiliated but they all looked worried for me. Hotch assured them that I was fine and after much placating and a kiss to my forehead by Garcia, they turned to go back to their own rooms with the exception of Morgan.
"It's okay Morgan, I really am fine. It was just a bad dream. Go back to bed and try to get some sleep," I said.
Morgan sighed and nodded. Then he turned and headed back out of the room. At the door he looked back and said, "If you need me, Pretty Boy, just call."
Hotch shut the door and turned to look at me. I could tell by the look in his eyes he wasn't going to let this slide. I would have to talk. The fear of letting him in, of opening myself up to him was as bad as the dream had been. I didn't let people get that close to me. I didn't dare give them power over me. It was too hard. When people know your secrets, your hopes and dreams that gave them power over you. That gave them leverage against you. I had never done that, not completely. I came close with Gideon. I never thought he would walk away and leave me like my dad and in a way, my mom, though she couldn't help it. What if I opened up to Hotch or Morgan and lost them too? What if Strauss suddenly decided she needed them on a different team? What if..? I was driving myself crazy with the "What ifs" but I couldn't stop.
Slowly Hotch walked to the side of my bed and sat down next to me. I lowered my eyes and was pulling at the blanket that covered me from the waist down. I was shaking. I hadn't been this close to Hotch since the Hankel case. I wasn't sure if the shaking was from the nightmare or his proximity.
I have always had an attraction to him. I admire each of my team members but there was just something different in the way I felt around Hotch. Something that frightened me but made me feel safe at the same time. I felt important to him, valued by him. He's never treated any of us differently but at times I feel like there is a connection there. Or maybe it's just my own emotions and feelings playing with my head. Either way I don't always trust myself around Hotch. I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop myself from throwing caution to the wind and losing control. Hotch has the potential to hurt me more than anyone in my life ever has before. That means I have to guard myself more around him than anyone else and I just fell into a situation I don't think I can talk my way out of.
Hotch was quiet. He was just sitting next to me, probably watching the play of emotions across my face. Just when I was on the verge of panic he spoke.
"I'm not going to make you talk about it but I want you to know if you need to talk, I'm here and I'm a good listener. I know sometimes this job can get to you, sometimes it feels like we're fighting a losing battle. But you are strong. You've been strong on your own for a very long time and I hope that someday you realize that you don't have to do this alone anymore. You have a group of people that care about you, that love you and we are all willing to do whatever we can to help you. Even if it's just listening to your fears, Reid, I hope you know that we will not judge you, we are here for you, always," Hotch said.
"Always," I repeated and he nodded. Then he surprised me by standing and pulling the blanket back and crawling into the bed next to me. I was frozen in place but he gave me a half smile and nodded again. I lay down next to him. He eased his arm around me and pulled me close, laying my head on his shoulder.
I slept.
When I woke up I felt warm and for the first time in a long time, rested. I slowly opened my eyes and found myself looking into Hotch's eyes. He was awake too. I began to become aware of how close we were, he still had his arm around my shoulder, he was stroking my hair away from my face with his other hand. I had my hands lying on his chest and a leg thrown across his. I blushed. Hotch smiled, a beautiful smile. Then he was leaning closer and his lips were on mine. My eyes slid closed. It was gentle and soft but it left me breathless. We pulled back and I opened my eyes. We looked at each other and I felt myself waging a battle. I knew I should stop but I didn't want to, I wanted this, I wanted Hotch. I could see the same emotions mirrored in his eyes. I knew we should just get up and pretend the kiss never happened but I couldn't.
I raised my hand from his chest and place it along the side of his face. My breath was coming faster. I was surrounded by his scent, his touch, and when he leaned in to kiss me again, his taste. We didn't speak; there were only soft, sweet kisses. His hand went from stroking my hair to tenderly grasping it to pull me closer. I moved closer to him and he tightened his hold on me. My arms slide around his back and pulled him closer still. The gentle caress of our lips turned into long, deep passion-filled strokes of his tongue with mine. I felt like I couldn't get close enough to him. I wanted to crawl into him and be surrounded by his strength and his love. I knew it would be safe there. I knew his heart was a warm place, filled with love and kindness. Hotch was heat, fire covered in an icy veneer. When people met him they thought he was hard and cold but I had never met a man more filled with passion in my life. I had never felt more passion in mine.
I felt his hand against the skin on my back as he lifted my shirt. His touch was warm and gentle. He pulled back and when I opened my eyes he was watching me.
"Spencer," he whispered. "I want you but I don't think we should do this now. You're tired and I can't take advantage of you. I don't want to do something you will regret. When this happens, if you want this to eventually happen I don't want you to be sorry. I want this to be forever. I love you Spencer."
I gasped. I started to speak but he stopped me.
"I know that I shouldn't let myself feel this way. I'm your boss and I don't want to cause any problems at work, but I can't ignore this anymore. I want to be with you and be able to touch you, kiss you and spend time with you. This is a big decision and you need to think it through. I won't rush you. You are an amazing person and you're worth waiting for, Spencer. I have never met anyone like you before. If you decide that you can't offer more than friendship that's okay. I would rather spend a lifetime as your friend than to lose you. I want…"
I kissed him.
"Hotch….Aaron," I breathed liking the feel of his name on my tongue, "I do want this; I want you more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. I trust you and you know that's not something I can say lightly. You're wonderful and you make me happy when I'm with you. I've fought for so long to keep my distance for fear of being hurt but I want to take a chance with you. Aaron, you are worth it."
As I lay there in his arms breathing the same air, I couldn't help but think that maybe the only way to stop the fear was to take the chance at happiness. I know part of me will always be afraid that Aaron will leave me that the team will leave me but is life really worth living if you never allow someone close to you? Maybe it's time to live my life instead of letting life control me and this is a good place to start. In the arms of a man that would give his life to protect me and whom I would give my own to protect.
"For a genius I think I've been pretty stupid," I said.
"Why do you say that?" Hotch asked, his lips against my forehead.
"All this time I kept my heart guarded trying to protect myself, not letting anyone inside, but all this time you were already there. I've wasted so much time afraid of losing you that I never really let myself love you," I answered.
"I've always wanted to belong, to be a part of someone's life and know that I was loved. To have a place that was home and people that made it feel that I was where I was meant to be. For the first time in my life I realize, I am where I belong."
"I am home."