Disclaimer: No, I don't own Merlin - we all know who owns Merlin... *cough* God *cough* I mean the BBC... (and for those that said 'Arthur', don't get me started...)
Howdy Folks! Simona here with another random and weird (and not exactly wonderful) fic!
How did this fic come about? Well...
*Magical memory music, fade in*
Once upon a time in the magical land of the Scots, the 3 girls of fortheloveofcamelot were walking around lunchtime talking about their favourite tv series: Merlin. What started off as a harmless banter-filled conversation all too soon turned into this fic... little did they know what they had unleashed into the unsuspecting fan-fiction world...
*Magical memory music fades out...*
So, I can't take full credit as Eleanor and Catherine, my lovely co-writers, played a major part in the making of this fic. (Love you guys!)
Oh! It's set after Season 3 so there might be some spoilers... (sorry to all the people out there that haven't seen Season 3 (it's awesome..))
As the day came to a close and the citizens of Camelot recoiled from the streets and into their humble homes, Merlin had finished the last of his chores, feeling sweaty and grimy; he looked forward to kicking back and relaxing in his room. He rounded the corner and walked along the corridor which led to his chambers.
That was when he heard it.
The pounding, thumping blare of music coming from the far end of the hallway; where his chambers were. As he drew closer, the drumming bass of music echoing along the hall, he saw two burly guards standing in front of the door, arms folded, with red lipstick kisses on their cheeks. Upon seeing Merlin, they moved aside and gave him a nod.
What the…
He walked in: the beat of the music hitting him in the heart, as did the musky, smoky air and the sounds of many, many merry people rejoicing; smoking, drinking, laughing. Everywhere he looked he saw men staggering, flourishing their tankards from side to side in a drunken sing-along; wenches dancing on tables, ruffling their skirts and kicking their legs in wild abandon; men smoking things which gave off strange blue, green and purple gases and, the scariest sight of all, was his uncle surrounded by a cluster of people chanting, "Chug! Chug! Chug!" as he downed, from what he could tell by the empty glasses on the table beside him, his 15th tumbler of ale.
"Merlin!" he cheered when he saw him, amongst the mist, he stumbled over and then took the huge, stout, beardy man next to Merlin into a hug, "My goodness, Merlin, you've gotten bigger…"
"Uh, Gaius…" he tapped his Uncle on the shoulder, "I'm Merlin!"
Gaius pulled away and looked at him perplexedly, "Move boy!" he instructed before shoving Merlin aside, allowing a gang of men rolling a keg of beer into the musty room.
"Where do you want it, G-Man?"
G-Man? Who was G-Man? Merlin thought.
"Um, just put it… over there." Gaius pointed to the far end of the room where more barrels were waiting to be popped open and drunk.
Gaius was G-Man? Oh, lord…
They continued to roll the keg and Gaius turned round to look at Merlin. He gasped.
"Could it be…" he grabbed Merlin by the shoulders, looking at him like he was scrutinising himself in a mirror, "I'm… young again! My youth, it has returned!" he jumped up and down, clapping his hands madly. He wouldn't admit it but the idea that Gaius looked like him when he was younger chilled him to the bone.
"Gaius" he took him by the shoulders, "I'm Merlin, your apprentice."
"Oh." His face pulled down, but he still had a foggy, blurry mist over his eyes so he wasn't sure if Gaius had taken in anything he had said.
"Now what is all… this?" he indicated to all the 'festivities'.
But Gaius's attention was averted and he took a fez off of a man walking past at that exact moment, revealing a rounded tuft of hair that the fez concealed perfectly.
Placing the fez on his silvery hair he yelled, "Now I'm you!" and pointing to the merry man in question, "And you're me!"
They laughed heartily, pulling faces at each other, trying to mimic each others voices.
"No, wait!" Gaius suddenly exclaimed, placing the fez on Merlin's head, "Now you're him, I'm you and you're me!" he said as he pointed to each member in turn.
"I'm Merlin," Gaius began, in a high pitched voice that seemed unnatural coming from his mouth, but he soon gave up the charade and began to hoot, the other man joining him.
Placing the fez back onto the shaking head of the owner, realising that his uncle was too far gone to give him any rational answers, Merlin walked over to a table away from Gaius and sat down.
Seriously, what was going on?
"Hellloooo.." leered a 'curvy', curly-haired wench beside him, leaning over the table provocatively.
"Um, hello" he shuffled away from her slightly, unnerved by her presence.
"Do I know you from somewhere?"
"Uh, I don't think so…" he looked at her again and he had a feeling he had seen her somewhere before too…
"Yes, I have! I remember! You came into my tavern with the Prince and caused that fight… You're very strong…" She stroked his shoulder, purring.
Merlin also remembered her – she was the wench which had complimented him on his looks. He pulled her hand off and stood up.
"Well… it was nice meeting you again…" he quickly turned around before that woman pounced on him – could this get any weirder?
Lost in his puzzling thoughts, he didn't notice the knight walking in the other direction until he nearly knocked Merlin off his feet.
"Oh, sorry… wait, Merlin?" the knight spoke as he helped keep Merlin steady.
It was Gwaine.
"Gwaine!" he greeted the man before getting into the questions he really wanted to be answered, "What is going on? Why are you here? Why is everyone here?"
"Woah, Merlin, calm down, it's just a par-tay"
"A party?"
"No, no, no - it's a par-tay" he corrected, "There's a difference" he explained when Merlin looked at him bemusedly.
"Well, why are you here then?"
"I was invited. And – hold on a sec" he turned away from him to pat a vivacious blonde woman on the shoulder, "Excuse me, my lady, but would you like to see how a real man uses his sword?" he asked her, to which he received a sharp slap across the face. Merlin couldn't help but smile – did Gwaine really think that line would work on her?
"Anyway, what was I saying?" he faced Merlin again, his cheek slightly pink but his enthusiasm still intact.
"Something about being invited…"
"Oh yes, right, I'm here with Lancelot anyway"
"Lancelot?" He looked around and saw him just a few tables away, surrounded by other knights.
"Yes, I'm helping him get over Gwen" he explained, signalling for Lancelot to come over.
He loped over but instead of joining them, he tapped the blonde Gwaine had unsuccessfully courted minutes before.
"Will you meet me in the courtyard at midnight? I'd like to see who's the most beautiful: you or the moonlight." He smoothly spoke to which she blushed.
"Gladly" she replied, giving him her hand to lead her away.
"Well, he actually doesn't need much help, he seems to know what to say…" Gwaine clarified, his face changing into one of envy.
"So, who else was invited?" Merlin wondered.
As soon as he said it, the door slammed open and who should walk in but Uther Pendragon. Everyone stopped what they were doing, the music faltered, and they looked at the royal arrival in alarm and disbelief.
"Now the par-tay don't start till I walk in!" he roared, singing the current song in his head, – 'TiK ToK' - making everyone relax and continue with their part-taying.
Then he held up his hands seriously, shushing them all.
"Can I hear a whoop-whoop?" he asked.
And they all whooped. And whooped. And whooped some more.
Uther made his way amongst the crowds, clapping shoulders with all the men and winking at the women on the tables – to which they bowed, allowing him to stare down their dresses.
He sat down on a plush red seat Merlin hadn't noticed, as though it had been placed there elaborately for his arrival. Everyone practically orbited around him now, his every wish was granted – he had had his goblet filled with ale, wenches swooning around him and men sharing jokes.
"You there" he directed to the musicians, "Play my song!"
Suddenly they whipped into a medieval rendition of 'Put Your Hands Up for Detroit', having previously been playing 'Poker Face'.
"Put your hands up" he began to sing along,
"PUT YOUR HANDS UP FOR CAMELOT – A LOVELY CITY!" everyone joined in and Uther started to do the Robot. No wonder Arthur despised going to the banquets, how embarrassing…
That was until he saw Gaius doing the Macarena on top of a table. I don't know him, Merlin thought. He had to get away from him, away from this all.
"Gaius, I'm going to my chambers" he walked off into the direction of his room until a hand caught his shoulder.
"No, you can't go in there!" Gaius explained, panicked.
"Why not?"
"Because" he indicated to the door knob where a red ribbon had been hastily fastened, "When the red ribbon is up, it is in use"
It took Merlin a second to realise what Gaius was saying.
"You mean there are people in there –"
"Whatever happens in that room; stays in that room" he stopped him, holding out his hands.
Great, so now Merlin didn't even have the confines of his room to escape from all of this. He sat at a table near his room, waiting for an opportunity to take it over again.
"Mead?" A man's voice came from in front of him, clutching a tankard to his chest.
He turned and was confronted by his menacing eyes.
"Uh, no, thank you" he backed away from the man.
"I said, mead" this time it was more of an order than a question and Merlin took it so the man would leave him alone. Geez, how was Gaius friends with such freaks?
All of a sudden the door to his room thrust open and a knobbly man, with a fake crown on his head at an angle, jewellery bedraggled around his neck, a corset the wrong way round and a fan, lurched out, giggling gleefully.
"My lady" he bowed clumsily, to the woman's bare leg which was the only part of her sticking out the door, before making his way into the crowd. Now was his chance to get his room back.
"Next." The woman invited, flicking her hair, cracking a whip against the door frame and slowly poking her body into view.
It was Morgana.
Merlin's first reaction had been shock – she was alive.
Then it was confusion – what was she doing? She was dressed in a skimpy leather dress, which revealed way too much skin; a studded choker was wrapped around her neck; black stockings ran up to just beyond her knees, where they were kept in place with studded suspenders. She twirled around to reveal there was no real back to her dress, therefore revealing her bottom which was only secured with a stringy thong – and Merlin had not wanted to see that…
He covered his face – and eyes – with the tankard of mead in his hand, knowing that if she saw him it would not be good. What would he do? How could he get away without her noticing him?
No. He would talk to her.
Yes, that was what he would do, no matter how much he didn't want to, he would talk to her.
He got up and prepared to walk over to her when Gaius shot past him, holding up his tunic.
"Mine!" he cackled and ran into the room where Morgana waited, like a goblin after his gold.
The door closed swiftly, releasing dust, and the whole chambers shuddered.
Great, his uncle not only blew his chance to talk to Morgana but he is now frolicking with her in his room!
He took a swig of his mead for the first time, the cold beverage leaving a bitter bite in his mouth – it sure helped take the edge off his distress. The smoke swirled around him once more and he could feel himself becoming light-headed and – all the pretty colours…
He had to stop this.
But first a nice cold tankard of mead…
Disclaimer: fortheloveofcamelot does not take any responsibility in any mental affliction that comes about from the reading of this fic...
Ha! now you can't sue us! And even if you did... we don't have any money!
Please review (my weirdness and randomness needs to be acknowledged...)