INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - AFTERNOON
The audience is buzzing with conversation as they wait for the HOST to make his appearance. DR. LEBOWINSKY, MAYA WEBBER, RORY NICHOLS, and LAURA ROTH, are patiently waiting for the HOST as well.
HOST
(Runs out from backstage)
Hello America, and welcome to our show, The Entertainment Debate Show. I will be your host for this evening, and today we are going to be discussing the series that is sweeping the nation
(Long pause)
Twilight!
The audience claps while the FAN GIRLS break out into ecstatic cheers. Some FAN GIRLS are holding up signs saying things like "Twilight Rocks" or "I love you Laura"/ "I love you Rory".
HOST
Ok, now on the Anti-Twilight side we have Dr. Lebowinsky who has her PHD in psychology, and Maya Webber who has been sweeping the internet with her anti-Twilight comments.
The audience claps politely, while the FAN GIRLS boo and hiss at the Anti-Twilight side.
HOST
And on the Pro-Twilight side, we have the girl who has become famous because of her blog posts on Twilight, Rory Nichols—
The FAN GIRLS cut of the HOST by cheering enthusiastically, holding up their signs saying "I love you Rory" and "Pro-Twilight".
HOST
(Trying to speak over the cheering)
And the girl who has made countless websites, and chat rooms promoting Twilight, Laura Roth.
The FAN GIRLS go nuts, cheering so loud that everything else is drowned out. The rest of the audience looks at them slightly confused.
HOST
(Waving his hands up and down for silence)
Ok, ok, everyone settle down. So now the debate begins. First we will hear from the Anti-Twilight side, what is your initial argument for this debate?
The FAN GIRLS boo and hiss at DR. LEBOWINSKY, and MAYA.
DR. LEBOWINSKY
(Pushes up her glasses)
Well, to start off our argument, Twilight is a bad influence on the teens today.
LAURA
I object!
HOST
There are no objections in a debate.
RORY
I also object!
HOST
Sit down!
RORY and LAURA sit down quietly whispering to each other and shooting death glares at DR. LEBOWINSKY.
DR. LEBOWINSKY
(Pushes up her glasses)
Well then, Twilight is not for teenage girls, that is initially my argument.
HOST
Thank you, Maya do you have anything to add?
MAYA
Yes, I would just like to say that I do not agree with my partner, but I do think Twilight is a horrible book and it deserves to burn. Twilight should not be considered a vampire book considering the fact that the vampires aren't actual vampires.
The FAN GIRLS boo MAYA and one of them throws a water bottle at her head.
LAURA and RORY
(Shoot up out of their seats)
OBJECTION!
HOST
For the last time there are no objections, now sit down! Ok now it's time to hear from the Pro-Twilight side (gives Rory and Laura a reproachful look).
LAURA
I would just like to say that Twilight is totally not inappropriate for teenagers, and another thing is I just believe that Dr. Lebowinsky is jealous because a) she doesn't have a hot boyfriend like Edward and b) she secretly wishes she were Bella and that she could live in Forks and get a hot vampire boyfriend and a hot vampire dad-in-law and two hot vampire brother-in-laws.
The FAN GIRLS burst into applause and LAURA stands up, bows, and blows kisses to the audience.
HOST
Um, ok
(Looks unsure if that was even a valid argument)
Rory would you like to add anything?
RORY
Yes I would like to agree with my partner, and add that even though Stephenie Meyer's version of a vampire is not traditional, it does not mean that a) the books should burn and b) that it is a horrible book.
More cheering from the FAN GIRLS ensues, and MAYA has a look on her face like she completely disagrees.
HOST
So, your initial argument is what exactly?
LAURA
(Sighs dramatically)
Our initial argument is that Twilight is appropriate for teenagers, and that Stephenie Meyer's vampires are actual vampires.
HOST
Ok thank you for your comments, now we will hear the rebuttal from the Anti-Twilight side.
DR. LEBOWINSKY
(Look of disbelief on her face)
Everything those two said is not a valid argument for this debate.
The FAN GIRLS all boo and hiss at DR. LEBOWINSKY.
MAYA
I agree, and if those FAN GIRLS boo us one more time (glares at the FAN GIRLS who look back smugly) I am going to punch their faces in.
HOST
This is supposed to be a PG rated show, there will be no punching.
MAYA
Fine, back to the argument. Meyer's vampires are completely unrealistic—
LAURA
(Incredulously)
Unrealistic? Vampires in general are unrealistic you cow!
HOST
Now, now, there is no name calling on this show. Continue please Maya.
MAYA
As I was saying,
(Shoots a glare at Laura who is silently fuming)
Meyer's vampires do not follow the traditional vampire mold because, one they sparkle, two they don't drink blood from humans, and three they go out in the daylight. Vampires' burn in the daylight they do not sparkle.
HOST
Is that all you two have to say?
DR. LEBOWINSKY
No, going off from my original point. I believe that Twilight should not be meant for teenage girls, due to the fact that there is sexual material in the books and it leads them to have unrealistic expectations in boys.
FAN GIRLS
(Yell loudly)
Objection!
HOST
(Turns to Laura and Rory who are applauding the FAN GIRLS)
There are no objections!
RORY
Hey we didn't do it this time, it was them.
(She gestures to the FAN GIRLS who are smiling proud of themselves)
HOST
Never mind, now let's hear the Pro-Twilight side.
LAURA
Ok, I'm going to argue the doctor's opinion whereas my partner will argue Maya's.
HOST
(Waves his hands in a continue on gesture while holding his head like he has a migraine)
LAURA
(Clears her throat)
Ok so to begin with the supposed sexual parts in Twilight. For one there is only kissing, sex is not talked about in any of the books, it may be mentioned in some parts, but it's not described in detail. And to go on to your next point, we don't have impossible expectations for boys, we just have expectations that most boys don't meet.
DR. LEBOWINSKY
(Rolls her eyes)
RORY
Ok and now onto Maya's comments. First of all, your idea of a vampire is a human blood sucking vampire who cannot go into the sunlight without burning, and is all in all a monster, did I miss anything?
(She looks sarcastically at Maya and without waiting for a reply continues)
First of all there is the quote from twilight, "What if I'm not the hero, what if I'm the bad guy?" That right there proves that Edward believes he is a monster, and just because Stephenie Meyer does not write him as a monster, does not mean he is not a valid vampire. Secondly, there are vampires that drink human blood in Twilight, but there are some who do not simple as that. And they still have consequences for going into the sunlight, even though they are not your morbid thoughts exactly. And my last comment is, Edward is a hot, sparkling vampire and you are just jealous.
(She sits down smirking and Laura high fives her).
HOST
(Stares for a while)
Well then, now that we have that all sorted out,
(Clears his throat)
May we have a final statement from each group? Just one sentence please
(he looks pointedly at Rory and Laura, who then put their heads together to come up with their final statement).
Our final statement is no matter how hot Edward is, or how brainwashed all these FAN GIRLS are, Stephenie Meyer's Twilight is still inappropriate for teenage girls.
HOST
Than—
MAYA
Wait a second we didn't even discuss our final statement and I disagree. Our real final statement is, no matter how hot Edward is, he is still a fictional character and therefore it doesn't matter what he does or does not say and do. Also, Stephenie Meyer still sucks as a writer for vampire novels.
LAURA, RORY, FAN GIRLS
Objection!
LAURA
They were only supposed to give on statement.
RORY
Yeah and they gave three.
HOST
That's enough, Pro-Twilight team, give your final statement and then we can finally be done with this nightmare of a show.
LAURA and RORY whisper to each other with their heads together trying to come up with their final response.
RORY
Our final statement is,
LAURA
Even though Edward is completely hot, that isn't our point,
RORY
Our point is that Stephenie Meyer's vampires are different, but there is no set way to make a vampire, sure there's the way it was first done but isn't that the same with everything? They come out with new Ipod versions constantly, same with computers and cars and everything else you guys use daily.
LAURA
Meyer modernized vampires so people can relate to the story easier, the books are set in modern day time so why can't there be modern day vampires?
RORY
So in conclusion, Stephenie Meyer's vampires are actual vampires, Twilight rocks, and…
LAURA and RORY
You are just jealous because you are not Bella and you don't get the super hot vampirific Edward Cullen!
The FAN GIRLS cheer loudly and whistle while LAURA and RORY get up and bow blowing kisses.
The rest of the audience members give the FAN GIRLS a weird look and start to slowly scoot away from them. The debaters start to argue and fight in the background while the HOST tries to move closer to the camera blocking them out.
HOST
So that concludes our show for today, I'm not sure it was an actual debate, and I don't believe there were any valid arguments, but tune in next time to see the debate of Superman v. Batman. Thank you and good night.
The camera starts to get higher, showing the audience and the debaters fighting, while the HOST is waving and trying to give the sign for cut
LAURA
Jealous cow!
MAYA
Crazy fan girl!
RORY
Why thank you.
DR. LEBOWINSKY
This is madness I tell you, the worst debate I have ever been a part of.
HOST
Cut!
The screen goes black, and the commercials come on, officially ending the show.