Disclaimer: I obviously don't own Grey's Anatomy because if I did, it'd be the MerDer Show. Not Kepner's/Lexie's/Yang's Anatomy. AND the Cristina/Meredith friendship wouldn't be so weird and close-like. I'm just borrowing the characters to mold into my own "masterpieces". Additionally, I don't own it because well, it sucks right now and if I owned it I hope I'd suck less.
So, if you've read my other fics and not liked them, this is different. AND I'm working on my writing so, hopefully it's better. This fic starts out looking like a story about best friends falling in love and all that... or an unrequited love but, it is SO much more. SO MUCH. And, it's angsty-er. Life threatening angst. I just hope you give it a chance! Love, PS: PLEASE leave me some love... this is really hard for me to write and I'll loose my confidence easily... AND, I have 7 updates written already so, the more comments, the faster I'll want to post. Yes, that's a bribe. Get over it.
Me
Show Me What I'm Looking For- Carolina Liar
Wait, I'm wrong
Should have done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist
So show me what I'm looking for
Save me, I'm lost Don't let go Save me, I'm lost Show me what I'm looking for Save me, I'm lost
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…oh lord
I've wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse
Please show me what I'm looking for
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…oh lord
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Just save me from being confused
Wait, I'm wrong
I can't do better than this
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…oh lord
First update, here we go!
XXX
"Mer!" a male voice called her name. Meredith turned on her heel, her lab coat flaring around her, to see the man who called her name. He walked towards her clad in navy blue scrubs and a crisp white lab coat, his raven curls styled perfectly on top of his head. His blue eyes gleamed in the light, accented by the deep blue of his scrubs as he strode through the halls with confidence, his dreamy features charming all around him.
"Hey," she grinned as he approached her.
"Can we talk for a second?" he questioned softly.
"Sure. Is everything okay?" Meredith asked sweetly, placing a supportive hand on his toned bicep.
"Yeah," he smiled reassuringly. "Everything is great." She felt his strong, calloused hand wrap around her slender wrist and tug forwards, dragging her softly into the nearest on-call room. He turned the handle, pushed the metal door open, and pulled Meredith in. The door swung shut and closed with a click.
"What is up with-"
"I proposed," he blurted excited her, interrupting her question.
"You proposed, what?" questioned Meredith nervously, hoping she was wrong about the sort of proposal he was regarding. Her heart beat quickened in dread as she stared into his smiling Irish eyes.
"To Erin. I asked her to marry me."
Meredith's flight response was blaring, howling for her to run away as fast as she could. She looked to the door, wondering just how quickly she could pull it open and get out of the room. The walls seemed to close in on her, crushing her lungs and heart, making her chest clench painfully. Knowing that running wasn't a plausible reaction, she diverted eyes to the floor, absentmindedly watching the shadows dance on the white tile as she tried to come up with an a appropriate response.
"Mer?" he said gently, trying to regain her attention. "You okay?"
She tore her eyes away from the floor and grinned at him with her best, yes-I'm-okay grin, hoping she didn't fail dismally. "Yeah, fine... um... congratulations!" Meredith exclaimed with fake enthusiasm.
"I'm getting married," he stated excitedly, spreading his arms apart to hug her. She stepped in to his open arms, squeezing his torso quickly before stepping away quickly. "This is all just... wow."
"Yeah... wow," she sighed sadly.
"I'm getting married. It's huge."
"It..." Sucks. "It's huge... really huge."
"You don't seem so enthusiastic," he alluded, cocking his head slightly to the side.
She sucked in a sharp breath, plastering a fake smile on her face. "I..." Hate this. "I'm happy for you," said Meredith with a non-genuine smile. "I've uh-got to go. I have…" To run away, avoid. "A patient." Finally, her flight response kicked into overdrive, finally pushing her feet towards the door.
"Okay," he nodded noncommittally.
"I'm happy you're happy, Derek," she said smoothly with a soft smile before walking quickly out of the dark room and away from her best friend.
XXX
THREE MONTHS LATER
Meredith sighed as she collapsed haphazardly on the bottom bunk of an on-call room bed, shifting to get comfortable on the rock hard mattress. The pale, blue, blanket scratched her skin uncomfortably. She hated having to sleep in on-call rooms but, after working a hellish twenty four hours, she needed sleep before she could continue the rest of her shift. She tossed, she turned, she fidgeted, unable to rest comfortably.
Loosing a patient never got any easier. The looks on the family's face, the sobbing, it was too much to handle sometimes. This time it was a sixty five year old grandmother. Her daughter, a single mother dependant on her own mother for support, and four-year-old grandson were devastated. The little boy just asked if his 'bubby', his grandmother, was out of 'surgeoning' and if they'd fixed her boo boo. His mother tearfully explained to him that grandma was taking a nap forever, knowing he couldn't fully grasp the concept of death. Usually, Derek would find her and offer some comfort whether by just being there or with tequila, but, she was avoiding him. She had been for around three months, since the day he told her he proposed. They'd seen each other but she somehow avoided most contact outside of work. It hurt her, and she ascertained that he knew what she was doing but not why. He couldn't know why.
Derek was all she had. Since they'd met in college, they came to depend on each other. He was her person. He was the one who she'd call if she needed to drag a dead body across her living room floor. After his proposal to Erin, Meredith couldn't bear to meet his eyes; for fear that he'd read her true emotions. It made it hard, almost unbearable to be around him, especially if he was with Erin. Erin Bales was nice enough but she always had a problem with Derek's close relationship to Meredith. She was condescending and controlling but Derek loved her. And, because it made him happy that they got along, Meredith put up with her.
She sighed deeply, cradling the back of her head in her hands, her elbows jutting out to the side. Her feet propped up on the cool, metal bars at the end of the cot-sized bunk beds. She wished things could be simple; Derek could just be a friend. But, her life never worked out that way.
She'd coped with the fact that her father was gone, out of her life until he appeared with his new, perfect family.
She thought that her Alzheimer's ridden mother could be kept a secret but she got rushed to the hospital and publicly embarrassed her, screaming that she was a child.
Nothing was ever simple. Including the verifiable truth that she was madly, deeply in love with her best friend.
Meredith heard her pager go off, pulling her out of her thoughts. Looking at the illuminated screen she dashed off to the pitt. Stepping into an empty elevator, she pressed the button for the first floor. The button lit up, just a dot in the middle, a small bullet wound in the metal of the circular button. Slowly the metal doors unfolded to close and the elevator gave a shake as it moved down the dark shaft. On the first floor, the doors reopened. As she tried to exit, Derek put his arm in front of her, pushing her back in. "I'm not letting you run," he snapped, positioning himself in front of the door, his lips pressed together into a fine line, the rest of his facial features hardening in anger. "I know you've been avoiding me."
"No, I haven't," she lied, twisting her watch on her wrist, a nervous habit.
"You have and you know it."
"I'm just..." Totally avoiding. "Busy. That's all. Lots of patients and surgeries. I'm a very busy surgeon."
"Bullshit," he accused.
"Seriously Derek. I'm..." she paused, trying to lie to him as best as she could. He could always see right through her facades. "Fine."
"Bullshit."
"Stop saying that!"
"I'm going to keep saying it 'cause it's a load of bullshit," he hissed. His hands clenched into tight fists, his short nails digging into his palms painfully. "You're not fine. There's something bothering you and it has something to do with me. I know what you're like when you're avoiding someone and, you're doing that to me."
"I..." She couldn't come up with an excuse. Knowing Derek, she realized this day was inevitable but like she had been doing to him, she'd avoided it.
"Please." His voice softened, pleading her to confess. Derek put his hands above her elbows and rubbed his hands up and down her bare arms, coaxing her into a sense of security. "I'm your best friend, you can talk to me about anything, you know that."
His attempts to penetrate her facade of being fine proved to be futile for once. She inhaled deeply, and gave him a soft smile, her lips pressed together in a quarter moon shape. "I'm really okay." With a ding, the elevator doors opened and Meredith slid out into the crowded, bright, hallway.
Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard