The Lost Boys
"Do you think we should go in yet?" Daryl asked the police recruit next to him, eyes narrowed in worry at the thought of walking in on Michonne and Andrea and how the sight could possibly blind him, "what if they're..."
"We've already stood out here for a good ten minutes," Rick interrupted with an irritated sigh, his hand already going into his back pocket to fish for the new set of keys Andrea had given him last week, "it's gotta be safe now don't you think?"
Daryl grimaced at his friend. "Andrea's not that quick you know."
"You know that from experience?" Rick asked with a brief chuckle, finally unlocking the door before taking a deep breath and acknowledging the redneck next to him with a sarcastic arch of his brow and a smirk that made Daryl frown at him even before he granted the recruit an answer to his inane question.
Stupid question to ask, because now that meant he was thinking of things and damn it all Andrea was his friend and…
"No!" He squeaked with a hand coming up to shove at the now laughing man next to him, his face flushed in a way that it hadn't been for such a long time that he actually found himself hating how embarrassed he felt because of Rick, "Jesus Christ Rick, can't we just go in already?"
Rick gave him an easy smile, one that made Daryl want to bite his lip and turn the other way yet he carried on glaring at the other man, not relenting into his weakness no matter how easy it would be to just do that.
"You sure you want t'go in? All those lady parts not going to make you turn tail and run?" The recruit teased with another laugh, shoulders shaking in humour at the embarrassed look that was still present on Daryl's face.
Daryl didn't bother giving Rick an answer, instead shouldering past the older man without giving him the satisfaction of seeing his grimace as the recruit's laughter followed him into the room, echoing across the surprisingly empty room of the shared apartment; one that Daryl didn't even live in really because he certainly didn't pay rent and most of the time he did go home back to Merle but tonight…
Tonight he had told Merle he was going out with friends and that his bro shouldn't really expect him back until late in the morning, it had drawn a laugh from his brother before Merle had told him to stay away anyway because he was bringing a few friends round anyway, a few friends that in Merle's exact words would 'chew you up then spit you out good little brother'.
He had resisted the urge to roll his eyes at his brother, instead settling for a low chuckle that had made Merle clap him on the back before shoving him out the door with his loud voice filling the empty apartment that more or less resembled a basement than anything.
Daryl snorted; it certainly had never been a home to him that was for sure, his home was here after all, with Rick, Andrea and Michonne. A fact he never told his brother in fear of what would happen, in fear of how Merle would react to his brother being part of another family where the invitation hadn't been opened up for Merle too.
He never wanted Merle to know where he was when he wasn't back at his brother's bungalow, hell he never wanted Merle to know where he was most of the time but Daryl would never deny that the man was his brother, the man who had picked him up more times than their father ever had, the man who had fed him on nights when their father had kicked them both out to beat around their mother; that was who Merle was, Daryl's saviour and destroyer all at once.
But if that was what Merle was then Daryl had no idea what to class Rick as. He was more than a friend, more than a brother and less than a soul mate (not that he believed in that shit, it never made any damn sense in the slightest) and yet he couldn't find the word to describe his relationship with Rick, it was as if it lingered on the tip of his tongue but he couldn't find a way to say it.
Maybe there was no real word to describe what his relationship with Rick was, maybe he should just give up trying on that.
Daryl was propelled out of his thoughts by the sound of a pan clanging in the kitchen area of the apartment, shocking him enough that he flinched away from the sound right along with the man next to him who from a quick glance looked just about as startled as he was.
That soon changed however once he caught sight of who it was and with a laugh that came across as nervous ('I wasn't nervous,' Daryl assured himself, 'I ain't nervous') he rested his full weight on the stack of books to his left, "ya'll scared the shit out of us both you know?"
Andrea was sat on the worktop of the kitchen counter, hands fiddling around with a pan and what looked to be a couple of eggs but she had looked up as they had entered the room, her smile impish and her eyes a light with happiness that made Daryl's laughter transform into a full blown grin.
"Ya'll looking happy," he said with another laugh that was shared with the man next to him, said recruit shoving him away from where he was resting to settle back on the armchair he usually found himself sleeping in most nights.
Rick could hardly contain his joy at seeing the blonde and showed it by rushing over to wrap the woman in a hug that made Daryl's stomach knot in two at how easy their relationship seemed to be, how easy Rick was in general with people and how envious it made the redneck at how he wished he could be exactly like Rick, affectionate, friendly, bold…
All Daryl felt he was good at doing was being meek and following his brother's shadow ever since the day he had been born.
"You see happy, but you know what I see?" Rick said with his chin resting on the woman's shoulder, his breath tickling the woman's cheek so blatantly that Daryl had to tighten his hands into fists at how that hot breath had felt at the back of his neck last night when Rick had slept curled up next to him, his proximity to Daryl being so casual that the redneck wondered why he felt so uncomfortable about it in the first place, "I see a woman who just had some amazing sex."
"Jesus, Rick!" Daryl complained even as Andrea laughed with wide eyes, her form spinning around and her hand flailing out to hit at Rick's chest, "I told ya'll not to drink anymore of that drink cause look what happens to you! You let your mouth go crazy, man."
Instead of getting the recruit to back down a little Daryl's outburst only seemed to make both of his friends laugh even harder at him, both of them clinging to one another like a lifeline as they both collapsed against the kitchen work surface, still laughing hard enough that he could see the red flush on both of their cheeks.
Their laughter only made Daryl feel more embarrassed and with a sigh he pulled up the hood of his hoodie to cover his face away from the two of them, letting out a mortified noise that was a cross between a whimper and a whine. It was 2 in the morning and he shouldn't be allowed to feel this flushed at such a time when all he needed was sleep and some food in his belly after Rick's stupid idea of a drunken raid to every local bar available.
When he felt a soft hand trailing through the thick locks of his hair underneath his hoodie he shuddered, his blue eyes softening as he met Andrea's own who looked just as angelic and beautiful as they had when she had shielded him from oncoming police officers who were scouting the area on a report for vandalism.
"Daryl I'm sorry for Rick and me poisoning your poor, innocent mind about mine and Michonne's sex escapades," Andrea told him softly, not sounding very sorry at all in Daryl's honest opinion, "but hey if you think I look bad then you should see Michonne, she's practically spent."
If possible he only turned even more red and burrowed further into his hoodie, ignoring the sounds of Rick's laughter, Andrea's soft cooing noise and finally the sound of the hissing as the recruit dispatched the eggs into the pan and began frying.
"I've got enough eggs to fry to give you and Michonne some more stamina to last another round if you want," It was 2 o clock in the fucking morning and Rick was making eggs, god damn it all Daryl couldn't have asked for a better friend than Rick, "what about you lover boy? Eggs for you too?"
Daryl could only nod meekly in reply, his thoughts racing from Michonne and Andrea, to Merle and then settle onto the main problem of his young life.
And that was his unwavering affection that he had for Rick Grimes.
Unfortunately for them both it seemed like Michonne and Andrea were in that early stage of their relationship where they wanted nothing more but to be around one another 24/7, which meant that it was hard for either himself or Rick to go through a whole day without hearing something they didn't really want to hear.
"The amount of times I've heard Andrea call Michonne's name in the past month is enough to make me want to give Michonne a new name," Rick had confided in him once when Daryl had brought him donuts on the recruit's break, "what do you think of Clyde?"
Daryl had only smirked as he dunked his own donut in the recruit's hot chocolate ("Hey! Get your own you uncultured swine!") and brought it to his lips, shrugging as he chewed whilst his heard thudded happily in his chest, "prefer Richard myself."
"Yeah you would prefer that now wouldn't you?" Rick had muttered with a glint in his eye that had made Daryl smile and collapse in the chair next to his friend, pleased that he at least had some time to spend with his friend before he had to go fetch Merle from…whatever he was doing nowadays.
He and Rick had sat in silence for a few moments before the recruit reached over to ruffle his hair with a casualness that had made Daryl's stomach squirm with confusion and happiness all mixed up into one, his mouth twitching into a fond smile as he chewed on his donut and listened to the old, crooning voice of Johnny Cash echo throughout Rick's small, box-like office.
Rick's fingers drummed against the hard wood of his desk as he ate and his strong voice echoed throughout the room, lighting Daryl on fire as his friend's singing filled the room and ears.
"I wear this crown of thorns, upon my liar's chair," Rick sung huskily with his fingers still continuing to tap out the beat of the song on the radio even as his free hand came up to grab at Daryl's hair, mussing the dark locks through his fingers until the redneck had no choice (or what felt like no choice) but to press his head back against the touch and revel in it, too far gone to even try and get away from his friend, "and my broken…hey, hey Daryl you gone to sleep?"
He wished he was asleep, at least that way he had the power of waking up when he went to go see what Merle was up to. And he really did wish he could wake up after seeing whatever Merle was up to, even if he was his brother sometimes Daryl found it hard for that reason alone to not lose his shit with the elder Dixon.
When he voiced that to the recruit Rick only patted his head with sympathy, rough fingers scraping at his scalp, "sounds rough."
"I'm used to rough," Daryl said with a bitter laugh because he knew from the get go where this conversation would lead to now.
And he was proven right as he heard Rick laugh quietly behind him. "Yeah," the recruit whispered with faint amusement, "yeah you would be used to rough."
Daryl smiled but he was glad his back was turned so the other man couldn't see the rest of his expression and how in fact it was hard to actually look at Rick now when he was feeling so shitty, the onward and lingering misfortunate of having to go see Merle later on today hanging over his head like a dark cloud.
So he was entirely grateful that when Rick's phone rung and the recruit put it on speaker to announce it was Michonne that was calling, their friend's calm voice enough to break away Daryl from his negative thoughts on future events and instead just bask in the peace he felt when he was with Rick, Michonne and Andrea.
"Hey Rich," Rick greeted their friend with a serious tone that didn't match the smug expression on his face when Daryl turned to glance over at the recruit's face, "nice of you to phone me on my break, anything I can do for you?"
If Michonne was annoyed by the change of her name she didn't show it in her answer, "is Daryl with you?"
Rick shot him a look and with an undignified little grunt Daryl answered with an affirmative, spinning on his chair so that he could see Rick on the phone face-to-face now. At least now he had a reason to face Rick without fearing his resolve of wanting to run away and hide to become apparent, for that he was incredibly grateful of Michonne's presence even over the phone.
"Andrea wanted me to let you know that all four of us are going out tonight for a drink to celebrate," Michonne told them, the slight discomfort in her tone unknowingly telling both men that Andrea was most likely in the room with her and gauging what Michonne said to see if it was good enough.
It was a thing that Andrea always did when she wanted something to happen, she would either meet the challenge head on or she would get someone else to do it for her; hence why Daryl found her such a mystery in the first place each time it occurred, his head tinkering away like a well-oiled machine as he tried to come up with reason after reason on why Andrea's being worked this way.
It was probably a mystery he'd never figure out how to solve. And hey, maybe he preferred it that way because Andrea was Andrea and for once in his life Daryl felt what it was like to have a comforting presence at his back without expecting a knife soon after, maybe he had always wanted that. Maybe he simply hadn't tried hard enough to get it.
He didn't remember nodding but it was apparent he had by the affirmative noise he could hear Rick making over the phone, so fine, he would have to go but that meant he would have to leave right now to make sure Merle hadn't gotten into too much trouble doing…whatever the hell Merle was doing.
"Hey Daryl where are you…" Rick called out but Daryl was already long gone, his eyes duller than his senses as he slammed Rick's office door shut, stalking down the police station's corridor with his hands in his pockets and his head held up high.
Never show a policeman fear – that's what Merle had always said.
Daryl walked into his and his brother's grungy bungalow with his nose crinkled in disgust, the scent of weed so apparent to him that he almost gagged on the hot taste that went into his mouth the moment he stepped into the room.
He pressed a hand over his nose and gagged, his disgust becoming more and more apparent as he stepped further into the room, "Merle are you fucking…"
A loud howl answered him and with a panicked shout Daryl rushed to the location of the scream and found himself face-to-face with his brother, who from the looks of it was more brain-dead at the moment than he was high with how he seemed to stagger forward to embrace Daryl in a hug, his height and weight forcing Daryl to stumble back until he hit the kitchen wall with a large crash as pans and pots from the ledge fell down on top of the two of them.
He was already hating this fucking day and here was his big brother, proving him right on how crap it was already.
"Christ Merle you're stoned outta ya'll head!" Daryl yelled, his temper finally getting the better of him and leading him to push his eldest brother away from him, growling in frustration when in reply Merle only lunged at him once again, throwing an arm around his shoulder and muttering under his breath, "what the hell have you been taking, man?"
"Rainbows and fucking happiness, or whatever shite ya'll watch now," Merle slurred his words but he was still understandable even face-down on the couch Daryl had threw him on with an annoyed grunt.
Daryl stood over his brother with a look of disgust overtaking his features and with a distressed cry he kicked at the couch his brother rested on, tears causing his eyes to sting as today's events and what would most likely be the headache he woke up to tomorrow started to close further in on him until he found himself unable to hold in his anger any longer.
"You're a fucking mess bro," he growled, sending another kick towards the couch and wiping his eyes with the back of his hand so Merle couldn't see how utterly exasperated he had gotten in a matter of seconds. "What did I tell you? I told you not to do that stuff anymore unless you can control yourself with it!"
Merle only chuckled with his tone sounding deader than he looked as the elder redneck turned on his side to regard Daryl with a snort, shaking his head, "little brother, you gotta learn to relax."
Daryl sighed into the palm of his hand, collapsing in the nearest chair opposite to his brother with his head spinning faster than a merry-go-round at how he had only seen his brother once today and already it felt like it was more than enough. The problem was that it hadn't always been like this, he could remember a time where Merle had been the one to take him out of harms way when he was little (well, more little than he was now) and together they threw rocks at kids on their bikes and ate ice cream together.
It hadn't been a perfect childhood but it had been the only one given to him and so Daryl looked upon it like a blessing, a blessing that he had his brother around to shelter him from a storm that he had had no chance in stopping no matter how hard he tried; and honestly that was okay, because Merle had had him and he had had Merle.
Nothing else seemed to matter.
As if to remind him of that Merle threw what turned out to be an old boot at him, hitting him square in the chest and rousing Daryl from his thoughts long enough to send a glare his brother's way at the unnecessary beating he had gotten from that.
Before he could give Merle another tongue lashing however his brother held up a hand to stop him, allowing him to speak, "ya'll realize something don't you Daryl?"
Merle snorted at him once he shook his head, confused beyond belief on what his brother was getting at.
"I'm the only man you can ever count on you hear me little D?" Merle asked, his expression surprisingly morose as he stared up at his little brother and his tone somewhat apologetic, which was probably what surprised Daryl in the first place, "no man but me, no man ever loved his brother like I do, no man but me. Only man who'll ever love you, you better remember that."
Daryl nodded numbly, not knowing what to say even as his mind wandered onto the police recruit who he had left in his office an hour back and how Merle's words seemed to only make his stomach tighten in what those words could mean when being directed at a man like Rick Grimes. What were those words supposed to mean anyway, especially when Rick Grimes was placed in the picture?
He swallowed the lump in his throat and just nodded silently, unsure what else he could do or say to his brother right now when he said stuff like that.
After what felt like a lifetime he opened his eyes to see that Merle had fallen into an easy sleep, the man in question twitching as he dreamed until it became apparent to Daryl that if he didn't open up the bed underneath the couch then his brother would fall and hit his head on the floor and so with another grunt of impatience Daryl made his way over towards the couch and got to work.
"Should let you fall and hit ya head you big ape," he muttered, unsure if it was malice or affection in his voice.
Daryl squirmed on the bar stool he was sat at, uncomfortable at the attention that was being placed on him by a girl who he didn't even know and yet was begging him to just buy her a drink so he could get to know her better.
He had never been good with girls, preferring to just let Merle just bring a disinterested girl back so she wouldn't be too impressed with him (look-wise or personality-wise) and they would eat pizza, drink beer and only occasionally kiss before he got so uncomfortable he had to leave. It's not that he didn't like girls; it was just that…He just didn't know how to talk to them.
The only girls he had ever got along with was Michonne and Andrea and they didn't count because he didn't want to kiss them or anything and, well, he was only young and they were kind of older and intimidating and completely in love and lust with one another; so that ship had sailed before he had even had the chance to try and catch up.
And Rick wasn't a girl but he was the only person he could talk to now that wasn't Merle, Michonne or Andrea and so that must count for something right? He looked to be the only person he could stand being around, so yeah; it had to count for something, right?
The girl was still talking to him and Daryl was still feeling squeamish, honestly it was a recipe for disaster and he didn't want to upset this girl any more than he probably already had by not listening to her.
"Uh 'scuse me I jus'," he finally found his voice long enough to stammer at the girl, legs trembling as he got up from his seat at the bar to try and head back to the table where Michonne, Andrea and hopefully Rick probably was, "jus' gotta go do somethin', my girlfriend might be wonderin' where I am and all."
The girl looked disappointed but nodded and Daryl had never felt as bad as he did then and so when he did come across the table to see Rick teasing Michonne about something and Andrea laughing it felt like a weight had fallen from his shoulders, feeling so utterly pleased and relaxed that he was at last back with the rest of his new family and safe from social interactions he had no idea how to back out of without looking an ass.
Andrea must have seen his face because she sent him a small, tender but understanding smile as she patted his shoulder, "club life not for you Daryl?"
He shook his head and gazed up at the man opposite to him, glad that at least Rick was here so he could distract himself from every bad thing that was going on in his head that ranged from Merle and his words to the police recruit himself and how a guy like Rick could have possibly come to like a guy like him.
"I'd say me and Daryl aren't suited for any life that isn't away from a gaming station," Rick answered for him before he reached over to grab Daryl by the shoulders, pulling him away from the seat the redneck had only just gotten comfortable in, "which is why we're going to get something to eat from a takeaway, just to get away from all this pomp and noise."
Andrea snorted at the recruit and rolled her eyes, "pomp and noise, you're actually ridiculous you know that right?"
Daryl tried to sit back into his seat, immediately feeling bad at the thought that maybe he had unintentionally pissed Andrea off, however was stopped by another tug at his shoulder, bringing him into Rick's side until he had no choice but to look down at the two women with a mournful frown on his face.
"Sorry," he murmured as Rick led him away from the two girls, looking over his shoulder once to see that Michonne was pretty much already making it better anyhow considering the smile on Andrea's face once Michonne had leaned back from whispering into her ear.
Once he and Rick got outside however he was finally let go to trail behind the older man, footsteps faltering every few steps just to make sure he and Rick weren't too close that people might become intimidated at two men wearing leather jackets (Andrea had laughed at them the moment she had seen them) walking down the streets late at night.
Or that was the reason he told himself anyhow.
"You okay Daryl?" Rick asked all of a sudden, the question startling Daryl from his thoughts as they both turned a corner, "you've been pretty quiet today, quieter than usual. Anything bothering you that you wanna…"
"Rick," Daryl interrupted sharply, giving the man a glare that made Rick's face drop in shock, "ya'll never pried about anythin' before, don't start now, yeah?"
He didn't want Rick to know that he had a brother who couldn't keep off the booze or drugs, he didn't want Rick to know anything meaningful about him because if he did then he was pretty sure he would be left alone again with just Merle, and as much as he loved Merle he knew that with the state his brother was in? Merle loved himself more.
By the time they had gotten back to the apartment Rick had already phoned Luigi's and the pizza boy was on his way and the light of the TV and the Xbox was the only thing that lit the room up, the stark contrast of bright light and the darkness reflecting Daryl's mood perfectly as he slouched on the sofa with his feet already coming up to rest on the coffee table that was present in the room.
He and Rick hadn't talked since he had snapped at him and it was starting to make the already mounting tension in the room worse, something that Daryl definitely had not wanted to happen today with how everything already was back at home.
He didn't want to go back to that, not just yet, "Hey Rick," he called to the older man, trying not to eye the locked jaw and the light stubble that clung there with too much interest, "you okay if I crash here with you and the girls tonight?"
Rick, if anything, looked amused as he sat down next to Daryl, arms crossed over his chest as he too placed his feet on the coffee table before glancing over at the redneck next to him, his smile startling and bright that it made Daryl sigh at how even after everything Rick was nicer than sin to him.
Nobody deserved Rick less than he did.
"Crash here? Daryl you practically live here already, Andrea was thinking of letting you have her room now that she's with Michonne," Rick told him, reaching over to slap his head playfully at the look of shock that had overcome his face, "and no looking shocked! What, you think we just keep you around to stare at? Nah, you've got your uses."
That brought the first smile of the night onto Daryl's face, "uses? Like what, sheriff deputy?"
"Well you make a mean omelette for one, and you helped fix my laptop last week. That was pretty damn helpful."
"Cause you didn't charge it for damn days," Daryl retorted with a laugh that made his smile grow wider and for his mind to whirl at how he hadn't smiled practically all day and now it just seemed so easy to do, almost like breathing.
Rick grinned and wrapped an arm around his neck, knuckles digging deep into Daryl's head and making him yell out in mock annoyance as the both of them started to wrestle together, hands, arms, legs, knees, feet and even heads butting against one another as the two of them playfully fought with an intensity that rivalled young boys and how they usually fought. And yet they were men, or so Daryl had always thought but he could honestly change his mind with how he and Rick were acting right now.
They ended up landing near the coffee table with Daryl pinned underneath Rick's full weight, his cheek pressed up against the rough fabric of the carpet and his hair ruffled to a state where he knew it would have giant knots in that he would have to attempt to comb out with his fingers later on.
Daryl let Rick sit on him for a few minutes, oddly calm and relaxed with the weight of the older man on top of him and the sound of the Mario Brother's theme tune ringing in the back of his ears from the TV speakers. It was the most peaceful state he had been in since, well, maybe forever.
"You want a cigar, lost boy?" Rick asked after what felt like forever, his hand running through Daryl's hair and making the redneck shudder at the affectionate touch that he probably would never get used to.
He nodded and let out a brief sigh when the older man got off from him, the happiness he had felt only seconds before now replaced with a sense of melancholy that he couldn't seem to get rid of even when Rick returned with a cigar and a smile that was charming and full of enough cheer that by all right Daryl should have felt it too.
Too bad he didn't, not even after the pizza boy had come and gone and he had won Rick's ass so many time on Mario Brother's that it should have been enough to at least make him smile.
It didn't.
He must have fallen asleep with Rick wrapped round him again (not that he ever questioned it, Rick being wrapped around him strangely enough led him to sleeping easier) because he woke up at 1 in the morning to feel Rick's scraggy beard against the nape of his neck and the sounds of his breathing against his ear.
Rick had his own bed but he had always insisted on sleeping with Daryl whenever he came over, at first it had been to make sure that Daryl didn't steal something in the night (and yeah Rick really had handcuffed him to him the first night, a part of Daryl had hated him for it and a part of him knew that Merle would of hated Daryl for allowing a police recruit do it to him in the first place) but after a while it had just become a habit and Daryl didn't complain because it had never felt so much like family with Rick's arms around him.
Unfortunately Rick's breathing and his own racing thoughts weren't the only things he heard either and with a sigh he steeled himself against the noise, closed his eyes and tried to think of anything that wasn't what he was hearing right now at such a stupid time in the morning.
"Andrea no," he heard Michonne whisper, her voice sounding breathy as though the woman had run back home instead of catching the taxi Daryl had hoped she had caught to get back to the apartment, "No, no! Andrea, Andrea stop or…"
'Damn it Andrea, not fuckin' now,' Daryl growled to himself once he heard the sound of what he guessed to be Andrea's jacket she had been wearing hit the floor which was then followed by small shushing noises and giggles that told him all that he needed to know about how Andrea was probably feeling after this night out.
"They're asleep Michonne," Andrea's voice was also a whisper, but the husky tone was hard to miss and the sound of it made Daryl shudder and he inwardly curled towards Rick's embrace as if that would protect him from hearing it, "so less talking and more taking off your clothes, right?"
"Andrea…" A warning tone, one that Andrea answered with what Daryl imagined to be coy smile as his ears were once more filled with the sound of fabric rustling and high heeled pumps being thrown off feet to land somewhere on the wooden floorboards of the apartment.
Daryl cringed once he heard the sound of a gasp and something hitting the wall, really wishing beyond hope that they would just move the hell on into Michonne's bedroom or something because he respected them enough that if it got too far he would have to make it known, otherwise he wouldn't be able to look them in the eye ever again without blushing.
He risked opening his eyes to see what the hell was going on before quickly closing them again, the image he had seen burned into his mind and making him really wish he hadn't opened his eyes in the first place considering what had been waiting for him to see.
With a groan Daryl made the effort of showing the two girls his bare back as he turned around in Rick's arms, hiding his opened eyes from them both and found to his surprise that Rick was staring right back at him with glazed eyes that said he too had been awake at the same time as Daryl.
Daryl met the older man's eyes and squirmed, the piercing blue making him wonder on how it would be like if it was him pinned against Rick's body and the wall, if it was him who was rocking into Rick's touch as Rick's hands moved all over him and if it was him making such muffled cries into Rick's mouth that it threatened to wake everyone (who he thought to be sleeping) up.
He didn't know where those thoughts had come from but he realized that thinking about them would have consequences and with a large yell at himself in the inside of his mind Daryl felt his jeans he had worn to sleep start to tighten as he grew hard, a reaction that made him grow flushed in the face as he tried his hardest not to make it noticeable to a very awake Rick Grimes lying opposite him.
The sound of shuffled footsteps moving across the floor weren't lost on him and when the small, muffled noise of a door lock clicking he let out a breath of relief, pleased that he could now breathe without having to worry about Michonne and Andrea filling his ears with their whimpers and groans.
Rick nudged him and Daryl had to bite his lip to stop any unsavoury sounds from escaping him when he met piercing blue eyes, his tongue feeling so gritty against the top of his mouth that Daryl almost poked it out just so he wouldn't be able to feel that weird sensation in his mouth again.
"Hey Daryl," the recruit whispered, his voice rough from the sleep he had been woken up from, "think they're gone until late morning now. Want me to go fetch ear muffs, huh?"
Daryl shook his head, "just go back to sleep man, if you do it quick maybe you won't hear them at it and I know I don't wanna hear em at it, no way, so I'll be going to sleep now…"
Or that's what he told himself until he felt Rick's hand brush up against him and with his face flushed red in embarrassment he let out a soft whine, his hips bucking against the touch even as he tried so damn hard to get away from it, nearly falling off the couch in the process and only being able to stay up with Rick's hand moving outwards to clutch at his shoulder to pull him back onto the comfortable cushions.
The smile he received didn't make him feel any better though, in fact he was pretty sure it just made him feel a hell of a lot worse. He just hoped Rick didn't mention anything, oh how he prayed Rick didn't mention a damn…
"You feeling bit stiff there Daryl," and damn it all Rick's voice was as husky as it had been earlier in the day when he had been crooning out Johnny Cash and Daryl had tried hard not to let it get to him as much as it had, "something you wanna tell me? Kind of flattered…"
Daryl hadn't wanted to react angrily, but at those words he didn't know what else to say but to yell at the police recruit, "ya'll going to take the piss now, that it? I ain't even a gay man for fucks sake, ya'll can go tell your friends at the station if you want man, I ain't ashamed of myself, I ain't ashamed of myself at all."
Despite what he said Daryl could still feel the red hot flush of humiliation creep up to stain his face an ugly, block red colour that was apparently noticeable even in the dark considering the look of shock that had appeared on the other man's face, his mouth twisted into a look of worry as he tried to reach out to grab at Daryl's face.
"Hey, hey Daryl," Rick made another grab for his face, a grab that Daryl managed to successfully dodge before the recruit got a lucky lunge and grabbed him by his jaw, forcing him to remain still and look into the other man's eyes, unnerved by at how blue and full of concern they were, "Daryl would you quit runnin' from me for a second and let me talk? You okay with that?"
To be quite honest, no, he wasn't okay with that. Talking to Rick could only mean disaster and Daryl had had quite enough of disaster to last him a lifetime, a thought he was just about to voice when Rick's scraggy beard brushed over his lips, the scratch of them making him wince even as Daryl moved forward to get closer towards the police recruit, his emotions a mix of resentment and confusion at his body's actions.
He wondered when the talking was going to come in but then decided very briefly he simply didn't care when Rick's tongue was tracing his lips and his stubble was scratching his face, the strong body of the recruit rendering him breathless when he felt Rick tug at his own shirt to drop it to the floor next to Daryl's before resting his torso over the redneck's with eyes that practically gleamed with desire.
Man, what was this supposed to be anyway? He and Rick… He had never been with a guy, never felt for a guy like he had Rick, never really had a close relationship with a guy in general before Rick; always choosing to be by himself or hanging around with the family that didn't beat him half to death when he messed something up.
Rick slid a hand down his chest and used it as the leverage he needed to push himself down and place a kiss over the skin of Daryl's heart, looking up only briefly to address the younger man with a questioning arch of his brow, silently asking for permission to continue.
Daryl didn't know to answer to that, too breathless to even think of what he should do next, never mind what to say to what Rick had just silently asked. So instead he nodded, unsure what else he could do when he was in such an emotional state that he found himself unable to do anything but listen to instinct and instinct alone.
"If you want me to stop…" Rick started to say but Daryl shushed him, placing a hand gently over his mouth, his heart in his throat as he stared down at the sheriff, not knowing what else to do now that he was staring down at the older man.
Rick at least listened to him enough to respect his wishes in that aspect and without any hesitation the man continued to kiss up and down his chest, hands tugging at the belt of Daryl's jeans until he could pull said jeans down just below the man's thigh, allowing the cool air of the night to bite at the redneck's exposed skin.
Daryl couldn't breathe without gasping and with a muffled groan he threw his arm up and over his face, stilling the sound that threatened to escape his mouth as his hips bucked upwards towards the heat that was Rick's mouth breathing onto him, practically swallowing him whole with a heat that was wet yet dry, cold yet hot, smooth yet rough and pleasurable enough that it made Daryl feel as though he was about to lose it in his briefs without Rick even having to touch him.
'This is wrong man, this is wrong,' Daryl wanted to say but didn't, his eyes closed and his large hand grabbing at tight curls that sat upon the top of Rick's head, bunching them up into the palm of his hand until all he was left with was the sharp scrape of his nails against the man's head and how that only seemed to entice Rick further down his body with lips and tongue that left Daryl speechless.
"Rick man, Rick…" He growled out the man's name at a particular hard nip against his abdomen, head thrown back to against the arm of the couch to allow his long, greasy hair splay out behind him like a pillow whilst his eyes were focused on the darkness of the ceiling above him and how that darkness fit so well with how he had felt today that for a moment he forgot everything but the sensation of wet lips trailing down his stomach and the large hands that pulled down his briefs.
For some reason all he wanted to do was talk now, to ask Rick what the hell this was between them, to see if Rick even wanted him back that way, hell to see if he even wanted Rick in the first place…
That all left his mind the moment Rick's mouth was on him and every thought left in his mind was replaced with a blinding light that made his brain whirl and for his eyes to snap open, the sound of his own grunt mingling with Rick's low hum of approval and the sound of soft, whispered moans coming from Michonne's room causing him to stiffen and for his whole body to jerk until the only thing that made sense was the blackness that came over his vision.
He woke up to Rick's bare chest pressed against his naked back, the rough hairs practically tickling him awake until Daryl could just make out the faint grey light of a shitty rainy morning hitting him in the face, his reaction being to instantly groan and cover his eyes, not willing to entertain the weather no matter what.
And if he was honest with himself he wasn't ready to entertain what would be waiting him this morning with none other than Rick Grimes, and that was if Rick was even willing to give Daryl the time of day on what the hell had happened between them last night, which frankly in Daryl's opinion didn't seem like a viable option.
The sound of Andrea's and Michonne's murmurs coming from the closed door of the darker woman's room seemed to be the last straw for him and with a sigh he managed to yank himself free of Rick's embrace, his eyes already looking around for the shirt he had tossed under the coffee table last night as he had started to settle down to get some (or so he believed at the time) shut eye.
When he found that shirt he pulled it back on and buckled his belt back around the waist of his jeans, shoeing his trainers on and lugging his leather jacket on straight after that as he started to tiptoe his way towards the apartment door and freedom.
He pretty much knew that doing this was probably one of the shittiest things he had ever done, but he also hadn't ever had sex with a guy before so Daryl pretty much believed he would get some fucking forgiveness from this from JC after he was dead, and he wasn't even a religious man in the first place.
Still that didn't stop the surge of shame he felt at the realization that the girls had left the door open to the apartment in their hurry last night, the shame stemming from how relieved he felt whilst at the same time feeling as though he had simply managed to screw up one of the best friendships he had ever had in the matter of a few hours.
"Fuckin' brilliant," he muttered angrily as he closed the door to the apartment, eyes lingering on the place he knew Rick would have been before he sighed heavily and thrust his hands in his pockets, turning to make his way back home to where a no doubt hungover Merle Dixon would be waiting for him.
Daryl found himself once again being right as he entered the bungalow, eyes immediately going to the loud humming of his brother slouched on the couch bed Daryl had put him in before he had left to go meet up with Rick, Michonne and Andrea the night before.
Merle only looked at him once to stare at him with beady eyes but once was enough and Daryl couldn't shake off the feeling of suspicion even if he wanted to, especially when Merle grabbed him by the wrist and made him sit down next to him with a strength that no sobering man should have.
"Ya'll look like shit little D," Merle said with a shrug of his shoulders at Daryl's glare, the eldest Dixon's smile broadening as Daryl tried his hardest not to meet his brother's gaze, "well, it was nice of you to even show up here little brother considerin' how quick you were to leave me all lonely last night."
Daryl growled under his breath, giving Merle a side-eyed glare, "ya'll know the damn reason why I left last night."
His brother's grin turned mischievous and before Daryl could stop him Merle had wrapped an arm around his neck and had brought him closer to him, the strength in his headlock making Daryl squirm until he slumped in defeat at feeling Merle's grip on him tighten in warning.
Merle never knew when he went too far. Sometimes it was better to admit defeat before Merle could realize it and go further, which was why Daryl was so relieved that his brother seemed to relax his hold on him, giving him at the very least some room to breathe.
However Daryl had never felt as stiff as he had the moment he heard Merle's next words.
"Wouldn't think you were the type ya know?" Merle said with a shake of his head, addressing Daryl with a petulant, if not disappointed, look of shame, "man I always wondered why ya'll would run at the first sign of pussy out to get ya, but man little brother, never did I think it would be cause you were one of those."
Daryl knew what those were and he didn't damn like it when his brother mentioned it, something he showed by how he pushed the sniggering Merle away from him, his face contorted in rage at the look of pure smugness on his brother's face, "don't know what the hell you're talkin' about man, you think you know what's going on with me, hell you ain't ever around anymore to know shit 'bout me!"
Wrong move it would seem because in seconds Merle's look of amusement had warped into something that was monstrous and ugly in his rage, enough that it made Daryl flinch away from the taller man as he staggered up from the couch with his mouth set into a hard, firm line.
"The hell I don't know fuckin' anythin' about you! Didn't ya'll hear me yesterday brother? Didn't you?" Merle had pulled him in closer by grabbing onto his collar, forcing Daryl to come face-to-face to Merle with only a few inches separating them so that as Merle raged Daryl had no choice but to take in the spittle sent his way. "Ya'll remember what I said? I damn well said I'm the only man you can ever count on! Only man ya'll ever count on and that's the truth! You hear me? That's the truth!"
Daryl had tried to maintain a tight control on his own temper the moment he had heard Merle slur and throw insults his way, but that rope he had quickly coiled around himself to make sure he didn't lose it snapped and with an angry yell he pushed Merle away from him to land back on the couch, his breathing heavy as guilt and shame ran rampantly through him until he couldn't feel anything else.
"Damn liar that's what you are!" He yelled, his breathing growing heavier and heavier whilst his body thrummed with an anger that frightened him in the intensity of it, "only man who I could ever count on I just left behind cause I'm too goddamn frightened of something! And that's how ya'll made me bro, that's how you made me! You and dad and Uncle Jess who…"
"Don't compare me to the old man! Don't you…" Merle started to say, red-faced and angry but again Daryl interrupted him, too furious at himself, what he had done and how Merle had been one of the many factors that made him feel so ashamed in the first place.
"Ya'll idolized the sick fuck even though he beat you so hard once ya'll had to go STRAIGHT to the hospital!" And he couldn't stop now, he couldn't stop, he had to just continue to yell and yell until the damn idiot understood for once, "only time you didn't care for him was when he was hittin' on me and mom, but ya'll didn't stick around much for that either 'part from mom begged ya'll to take me the hell away from all of it! I used to think it was just you man, that it was just you who decided to get me the hell away from it but now I remember! Now I remember that ya'll were busy just tryin' to follow in the old man's footsteps!"
He felt his face snap upwards at the shove he received to his chest, sending him crashing onto the coffee table, causing it to break in two under his weight and dig into his back with such a startling pain Daryl could do nothing but jolt back up into standing as he tried his hardest not to rush at his brother and show him that he was sick of letting others beat him, that maybe it wouldn't be so endearing next time if he, Daryl, beat some sense into his attackers?
But the moment he looked and saw the look of distraught on his brother's face all anger vanished and within seconds he had bolted from the room, throwing off his leather jacket and opening the door of his house just to slam it shut as he hurried out, unable to stand being in the same room as Merle any longer.
He had never felt so alone in all his life.
Pick your phone up now.
Daryl glanced at his phone once he felt the low buzz he felt in his pocket, sighing miserably at the name of Rick Grimes that kept flashing up at him in the darkness of the community skip he was sitting on top of to shade himself from the overbearing heat of the sun that was mixed with the light trickles of rain, the weather fitting his mood once again as he tried his hardest to remain calm.
He hadn't been in contact with Rick, Andrea, Michonne or his brother for two weeks now, instead choosing to hide away in shabby motels and bars so that he wouldn't have to face anything but his own reflection in the mirror every single day, and even that was a challenge most of the time.
Oh he had sent them a few messages saying he was safe and that they shouldn't worry, but he knew that when he did see them all again he would get three people yelling at him on how worried they were and one ranting at him for leaving them alone for so long that 'who else could I have asked to help me vandalize that McDonalds down street, huh?'.
Another buzz of his phone which meant that it was another message from the guy he really didn't want to talk to right now.
Hey mop boy, you going to answer your phone or do I have to track it? Don't think I won't.
Daryl rolled his eyes and deleted the message, choosing to scroll through his inbox in particular to see if there was anything in there that would at least tell him how the girls were doing, which he realized to be strange but what wasn't so strange was how he had missed their company a lot more than he thought he would have.
He had missed hearing Andrea's snarky remarks about Michonne talking when she was eating, missed Michonne's eye rolls that she had sent to him whenever Andrea's back was turned, had missed Andrea catching her once and giving Michonne the worst yelling at he had ever witnessed between the two…
And he had especially missed Rick. It had felt like he hadn't slept well for two weeks, as though someone had physically taped his eyelids open to prevent him from falling asleep, almost as though he was afraid of falling asleep in case he had nightmares due to the shame he continuously felt ever since the day he had walked out of that door.
Messages after messages after that day, ranging from Andrea's comforting 'come home Daryl, me and Michonne are out, you and Rick can talk, we all miss you' to Michonne's rather blunt 'just come back to the apartment. Rick isn't the same without you.'
He smirked whenever he got to that message in particular on his phone. 'Do you miss me Michonne?'
Rick did, he realized once more as his phone buzzed again and the message of: 'just come to the apartment Daryl, Michonne and Andrea are arguing and I just want to get the hell out of here' flashed across his screen.
Daryl didn't really understand why that message was the last straw but it was and within moments he found himself walking back through the alleyway he had come from to head towards the apartment that had become his home from home, the thought of seeing it again putting a spring in his step at the same time as making him feel as though he had just stepped on a field of nails.
It took longer than he expected to get there but the moment he did get there and heard loud yelling he immediately wanted to head back in the other direction, not truly feeling up to Michonne and Andrea's arguments when he was so nervous he felt like his tongue was going to drop from his mouth any second now.
He couldn't hear much apart from snippets of 'you're ashamed of me' and 'what are you so scared of?' but even that was enough for him and with an exasperated groan Daryl started to turn back from the door, his nerves getting to him as he tried his hardest to steer away from the apartment and the arguing inside.
However before he could get much further he heard the sound of the door opening and none other than Rick crying out his name, causing him to pause mid-step and turn back around to see that the police recruit was smiling happily at him, his eyes practically alight with an enjoyment that made Daryl flush and bury his nose into the large collar of his coat to try and hide his red cheeks.
"Hey Rick," he murmured with a shrug of his shoulders towards the arguing that was still happening inside the apartment, "trouble in paradise man? I can hear the girls arguing from the top of the stairs."
Rick gave him a waning smile in reply, slowly closing the front door before jogging to catch up with the redneck, the bristles of his beard that was now flecked with reddish brown dye a stark contrast to how pale the recruit's skin.
Daryl tried not to take too much notice though otherwise he'd be stuck in the trap of the horrible emotions that had seized him before and look where that had gotten him; he definitely wasn't going to let that happen again, not when Rick was so close to him.
"I didn't think you were going to show up," Rick whispered with a small smile that only made Daryl feel ten times worse than he had before, shocked at how little (almost fragile) Rick looked when he looked at him that way, "you haven't been listening to my texts to meet up for few weeks now, didn't think I'd see you for a long time."
The confession made Daryl want to hide himself further into his coat embarrassed that he had acted like such an idiot for the past two weeks and how because of it he had managed to worry Rick, one of the only people he had ever been able to rely on and all because he was just too frightened to admit that he was attracted to the guy.
Still, that didn't mean he was gay, because he wasn't. There was only ever Rick, and Rick was more than a best friend and less than a brother, could anyone blame him for being scared of his feelings?
Well, maybe apart from himself, he still couldn't actually believe he was such a coward for so long. "Didn't think I could stomach seein' you if I'm being perfectly honest here, ain't exactly been good to you, ain't exactly done right by you or the girls for running away so long when you three picked me up from my… You know what I mean, right? Rick?"
They made their way down the apartment stairs quietly; Rick's silence unnerving Daryl to the core until he recognized the hand on his back and the warmth it brought with it and smiled, eyes blinking rapidly and muscles tightening to try and hold back the emotion that threatened to spring out of him all at once.
He had run away from something that had made him happy and for that Daryl wanted to yell at himself, berate himself for hurting others and himself in the process when in truth all he had to do was stand up and take the plunge, to take a risk on something that made him happy and if that was to push away each fear of rejection and shame then he should have done it.
He should have been stronger.
The sun had disappeared by the time him and Rick had made it outside but the rain had only started to pelt down harder, soaking him to the bone almost immediately that he had to shake his hair out of his eyes, practically spraying the now laughing man next to him with rain water.
Rick's laughter, another thing he had missed.
"I've been so fuckin' stupid in avoidin' you," he admitted quietly with a sniff of pure frustration, nudging away from the police recruit with a tiny laugh that didn't quite tell the full story on why he felt so ridiculous, "but you didn't even talk that night you know? Rick, you didn't tell me nothin' on what you were feelin' or anythin'. I just…"
"How have you been feeling since then?" Rick asked him, interrupting his thoughts completely and leaving Daryl speechless as he tried to form words with his tongue so that he could get them out without looking like a complete fool, "I mean really, I want to know how you felt."
Daryl said the first thing that came to his head, hoping it'd be enough to explain everything without going into full detail, "lost."
He watched as Rick swallowed and then let out a sound of shock when he felt hands grasp at his hair, forcing him into a one-armed hug that was so terribly reminiscent of Merle that for a moment Daryl allowed himself to be swallowed up in his own sadness once again. However that was before he felt Rick's lips against the crown of his head and the man's comforting embrace against him, shrouding him in love that Daryl had definitely been missing over the past two weeks.
"I felt lost too," Rick mumbled into his hair, sounding more tired and defeated than Daryl had expected from him, "but we'll figure this out, me and you, we'll figure it out."
Daryl nodded, not knowing what else to do as he and Rick continued to walk down the rainy streets, "how you propose we do that, huh?"
Rick only squeezed him tighter and for some reason that only made Daryl feel safer than anything else in the world.
"We'll figure it out."