Disclaimer: D Gray Man Doesn't Belong To Me.
A/N: 330am. I couldn't sleep so I started writing. My first Kanda X Lavi and not technically Yaoi if you asked me. Pardon for mistakes coz it's 3am and I couldn't sleep and here born the fic. It was just a rambling piece from trying to think too much about my D Gray characters. I seem to be on the drabble-ish spree nowadays. I just keep seeing certain scenes in my head without head or tail so I just write the scene. Heh. Anyhows, enjoy
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Lavi knocked Kanda's door at half past 11. A very grumpy Kanda answered the door, threatening to close the door if Lavi didn't have any urgent business but Lavi raised his hand to stop the Japanese exorcist silently, "Could you just let me in, Kanda?"
It was the way that Lavi pronounced Kanda' name – the way he was seemingly trying to savour the sound and the feeling of the name as though it was the last time he was going to call it that Kanda let Lavi enter his room. That was on top of the fact that Lavi never called him Kanda ever since the former found out about his given name. Something was wrong.
Lavi sat on Kanda's bed and looked at Kanda as he began to speak, "Allen just volunteered himself for a tough mission, he just loves saving everyone, no?"
Kanda instinctively knew that was not the main reason why Lavi came to his room in the middle of the night and the fact that he was beating around the bush meant that whatever he had come for had to be serious enough. But Kanda played along by replying, "That moyashi is just trying to be a martyr for everyone. He and his nonsense about saving the world,"
"Maybe he just want the people around him to be happy," Lavi said quietly, eyes looking on the floor, "Don't you want the people around you to be happy as well?"
"Happy? Happiness is nothing but a delusion,"
"Oh?" Lavi replied, "Then what you call people who wants people around them to be happy then?"
"Naive? Like that moyashi?"
"Moyashi this and moyashi that, you seem to have taken on a liking on Allen, no?" Lavi commented sadly. In his mind, he was wondering why he did not have such an effect on Kanda. He tried and tried to make Kanda just slightly happier but trying all sorts of tricks on him, calling him even by his first name to somehow perk him up but no, the mere mention of Allen's name can garner so much emotions from the usual stoic exorcist. Lavi was jealous, so jealous.
"I am not interested in that Moyashi if that is what you are implying," Kanda replied, a little annoyed, "So what are you doing here,"
"Well," Lavi paused, trying to choose his words carefully, "we bookmen are not allowed to have emotions because we are supposed to be neutral bystanders taking down whatever is happening to the world. I am a different breed of bookman. I like to see people around me to be happy. Even if I can't feel them, I want people around me to feel them, it's like they are happy on my behalf you know? At least when they smile and laugh wholeheartedly, it warms my heart, just that little. You know, at least theirs is genuine happiness ,"
There was an awkward silence as Lavi bit his lips in attempt to choose his words while Kanda just stood and listened.
"Did I make you happy?" The words finally escaped from Lavi's mouth. Sometimes, the most direct lines could be the best lines, "because you never smiled,"
Kanda remained silent.
"Would you, smile for me?"
Kanda stared at Lavi.
"I forgot how to smile, since a long while back,"
I'm sorry Lavi, Kanda thought. This is one thing he forgot how to do. He could smirk when he was tasting victory, but that was the closest to a smile he knew how to do. No matter what Lavi did and no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't.
"It's okay," Lavi got up of the bed and proceeded towards the door, a sour feeling sipping into his heart. Kanda was the only person who he could make happy. Call Lavi an idealist, but everytime when he looked at Kanda's eyes, he could see the sadness, the hurt and the pain and Lavi really wanted him to smile and perhaps wash away those sadness in those eyes. Call Lavi a martyr, he was forced to be cold and aloof to over deaths because they were supposed to be ink on paper for him but he didn't want Kanda to go through the same route. Lavi going through such a path alone is good enough, Kanda didn't have to go down the same route, he wasn't obliged.
But Lavi still flashed a smile, a wide one as he could as he bid Kanda farewell. The smile was so fake that it reminded Kanda of Allen, the smile that attempted to assure the other party that everything was alright and that he was not hurt by what Kanda said although it did affect him.
"Bye Yu-chan!" Lavi didn't want Kanda to remember him in any other way and the door shut behind him.
Sorry Lavi, I just can't.
-
"Lavi," Bookman called Lavi to him and broke the news, "We are leaving in tonight,"
Lavi couldn't feel a stab in his heart even as the news slowly began to sink into him. It was inevitable, it was meant to be from the start but yet he could not dispel the pain that was creeping into his heart. Bookman was right, he invested too much emotions into the Dark Order, emotions that Bookmen were not even supposed to have in the first place. That was the tradeoff – between the knowledge and emotions. Bookmen were given the access to all the information in the world, but in exchange, they would have to destroy every emotion in the fibre of their being for it.
"We will board the boat out as the clock strikes twelve tonight and leave Dark Order once and for all. We have no more business here,"
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The clock struck 12.
And Kanda didn't smile.
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A/N: Reviews?