This is an attempt at comedy --- hopefully it won't fail miserably. Sorry, I have no beta so please endure. Comments are most welcome!
I don't own Bleach. I wish I own Renji though.
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"And Abarai scores!", a voice from the bushes whispered loudly
"Huh? Scores?"
Several pairs of eyes looked at the shiny headed shinigami with a mixture of irritation and confusion.
"That!" the baldy head pointed to the two figures at the clearing.
"That is NOT scoring. Where did you get the impression that THAT is scoring?" the carrot-top almost shout out loud.
"Isn't that what humans say when…" Baldy continued almost confused now.
"I'm the human here and I am telling you THAT is definitely NOT…" Carrot-top's head got whacked before he could continue.
"Shut up you two!" whispered the blonde-big-busted lady.
"It's a little too messy if you ask me," whispered another, the one with peacock feathered eyelashes.
"Too eager," continued Blondie.
"Yeah, look at the way he eyes the victim," Baldy pipes in.
"Victim?" Carrot-top's brow are knotted tightly now.
"The target, the objective, the goal… whatever", Peacock said "Now keep it down you two idiots"
"Tceh, I'm leaving." Carrot-top grunted and started to move from their hiding place, which constituted of tall hedges facing an open area.
"You're not worried about her?" Baldy asked, trying to keep a straight-face.
"Not a tad jealous?" Blondie added.
"Why would I be ---" Carrot-top was about to protest.
"Don't you want to beat him up?" Peacock not wanting to be left behind with the teasing game.
After a pregnant pause, Ichigo answered obliquely, putting a hand over his orange hair. "He will never hurt her on purpose."
Everybody's eyes fell on Ichigo --- all with their respective bemused looks.
"Whatever. Do you mean, you want us to leave them alone together?" Yumichika teased him, while flickering his long eyes
"Nonsense!" Matsumoto huffed and her breasts went up and down with the motion. "There are no secrets among friends"
"And we need to be close enough to pick up the pieces if he screws this one up." Ikkaku added.
"If?" Matsumoto and Yumicka chorused.
"Fine, when he screws this one up." Ikkaku conceded. "Stay here Kurosaki." He added almost gently, "it's not like you never thought this wouldn't happen anyway."
"It might be better to see it for yourself. You know how second hand information gets tangled up", Yumichika said while trying to push a leaf away from his field of vision.
"Right, you're here now, front seats and all." Matsumoto added.
Ichigo sighed and ignoring his better judgment, "I'm only staying just in case Rukia would need me later." He crossed his arms, sat down on the grass, closed his eyes and plastered his almost perfected scowl across his face.
All three pairs of eyes rolled and the buzzing continued.
"See how he took down her defenses?"
"I know, doesn't seem like she's upset about it though"
"Me thinks she even likes this rough housing."
Ichigo is gritting his teeth.
"I like that too."
"Who asked you?!?!!"
"Have you been like this with Kuchiki before Ichigo? She doesn't seem the type."
Ichigo was about to shout Bankai but was interrupted by….
"Ohhh, that looks good."
"I'll give him a seven"
"A seven?! That's waaay too high!"
"I think that's just a four or five."
"It really isn't pretty sight"
Ichigo was starting to turn his head towards the objects of the running commentaries but caught himself and steadfastly looked the opposite way.
"But remember how he approached her?"
"The intensity was overwhelming ne?"
"Gotta agree… it showed a lot of promise."
"Yeah, but he ruined it once he dove in."
"Not pretty at all."
Renji's ears have been prickling. He's trying to ignore the muffled whispers in the nearby bush. Do they really think he cannot sense them – especially that idiot Ichigo's unrestrained reiatsu? Who cares if they are here, if that dumbass is here? This is between him and Rukia. He'll send all of them on a one way trip to Hueco Mundo. He was about to mouth out his protests but a warm hand held his wrist, urging him to ignore those voices and to concentrate at the task at hand. He followed that pressure, obeying it and trusting it. Everything else disappeared.
"This is really isn't working for me"
"Renji you idiot, didn't I teach you anything?"
"That explains a lot."
"Oh come on give him a chance… I don't think he's ever really gone this far before."
"Rookie."
"Virgin."
Ichigo almost choked when he heard the word.
"Oh c'mon he looks cute, in a twisted way."
"Twisted is the operative word."
"Still definitely not pretty."
"Reminds me of the way baby monkeys are cute but at the back of your mind you know they would grow into apes"
Ichigo was just about to say that that doesn't make any sense.
"Scary."
"Hairy."
"Ugly."
"Yeaaahh", they all agreed.
Even Ichigo had to nod his head.
"Bastards..." Renji stopped at what he was doing and flashed stepped towards the noisy, despicable bush. He has waited for this moment for a really, really, REALLY LONG time. He wanted to show Rukia how much he has changed. He is different now – better, stronger. And this was going to be ruined by these damned shinigamis with nothing else better to do than chronicle his ….
Bakudo Number 4, Hainawa!
Ropes of yellow light wrapped around the four crouching shinigamis. They were totally caught off-guard. They were too shocked to resist the binding spell.
"What the…?"
Ye Lord! Mask of blood and flesh…
"Damn it!"
All creation, flutter of wings, ye who bears the name of Man!
"Oh dear."
Inferno and pandemonium, The sea barrier surges, March on to the south!
"Oh no. Nah-uh… this can't be happening…"
They are slack-jawed with disbelief. IMPOSSIBLE! Are they actually hearing those words coming out from *THAT* mouth?!?
Hadou Number 31, Shakkahou!
Several bodies catapulted high up in the sky. Somebody screamed.
"RENJI!!! WHEN DID YOU LEARN KIDOU?!?!?!"
He turns away from the trail of smoke and goes back to face her. His hands only slightly charred and surrounded by a faint smell of burning hair.
Rukia's eyes are wide and her lips are tugging up, "See what you can do when you actually recite the incantation?"
He nodded once, grinning like a crazy fool.
"Not bad Renji."
"Not bad at all, Rukia," he retorted, smirking.
She smirked back.
"Told ya, I've been practicing. You wouldn't believe me, you idiot." He crossed his arms, feet both firmly on the ground looking as if he owned the world.
She walked towards him, half-away across their make-shift kido training ground and looked him up and down, examining him for damage.
She clutched at his kimono with her right hand and dragged him down until his nose was only inches above her own. He stumbled towards her, one hand holding her arm and the other outstretched behind him for balance.
The hell is she doing?! I could have landed on top her! He thought.
That possibility and her proximity caused his stomach to turn inside-out and upside-down. He can feel his face getting hot. He knows that if this lasts any longer his face would be only a few shades lighter than his hair.
He felt something on his forehead. She was rubbing her left thumb on it. Her eyes have been concentrating on the black smudge just above his nose bridge.
"There, all cle…" clean is what she meant to say but as she was finishing "grooming" him, her violet eyes flicked down and meet his red-black ones.
She mouthed a silent "Oh".
She released her hold on him and fixed her face on the ground. Slightly abashed and confused with his expression.
Why are my cheeks so warm? She wondered incredulously at herself.
He straightened his back after his release, trying to regain his composure. He cleared his throat, hoping that his regular voice will come out and not a pathetic little squeak.
"So, shall we stop with the drills now?" he asked nonchalantly.
She glanced up to him and grinned, "Don't be a fool".
She walked several paces away from where they were and turned to face him.
"First, let's see if you can beat mine", she smiled almost evilly and took a fighting stance.
All he can do was gulp.
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Pardon from monkey-lovers and for the poetic use of the kidou spells. Not sure if Hadou 31 can actually make shinigami fly. :P