au where greed doesn't die and they all go back to xing and nothing hurts
Ling.
A disgruntled Greed sat in front of a plate of food. He held two wooden sticks in both of his hands, eyes narrowed in a mixture confusion and annoyance.
Yes? Ling sat cross-legged in his mindscape, deep in some kind of medication.
Ling. What the hell is this?
What, haven't you ever heard of chopsticks before? Ling asked, a wide smirk on his face.
No, I haven't. Is this supposed to be your Xingese piss-poor excuse of a utensil?
Looks like somebody's angry he can't use chopsticks! Ling jeered. Well I guess this just means I'll have to take control for a bit.
Hell no. I'm going to sit here until you or Lan Fan teach me how to use these.
I just can't believe you don't know how to use chopsticks! How old are you - 100? 200?
Just because I've lived a long time doesn't mean I've been outside Amestris!
Wow. That's pretty sad, I'm only 16 and I'm more well-traveled than you. Sounds pretty boring being stuck in one country for so long, especially a place like Amestris.
Shut up prince asshat.
Emperor now, remember? We're Emperor. It's pretty rude to refer to someone by an incorrect rank.
Greed scowled. Since we're Emperor, does that mean I can make someone teach me how to use these damn things
Hey - you can't do that! What'll people say if they find out that their Emperor can't use chopsticks! There are already rumors that I can't read!
Xingese is hard, dammit! Plus - does it look like I give a two shits what the citizens think? Hell - I'll go to a strip bar, I'll punch a diplomat in the face! I don't give a fuck!*
I don't doubt that. Remember that time we snuck into Mustang's office?
Yeah, the food was pretty great. Still, you're getting off topic, tell me how to use the damn sticks.
Will you give me back my body if you do?
No way. It's Saturday.**
Then I guess you won't be eating anytime soon.
Make Lan Fan teach me.
She won't listen if you're the one talking.
Then I guess I'll just have to do my best impression. How's this,Greed took up an obnoxiously high and peppy tone, my name's Emperor Ling Yao, I can eat an entire horse and I have no fucking clue how to use chopsticks or how to read!
That was terrible! I could eat at least two horses. All this time we've been together and you still don't know anything about me. What a horrible friend.
I know you're a jackass.
Greed poked his food with one of the chopsticks, scraping it towards the edge of his plate. Ling gave out a long, drawn-out sigh.
"Watching the emperor's body being forced to do such foolish things is painful."
Greed turned around, a piece of meat skewered onto one of the chopsticks. Lan Fan had appeared at some point during his conversation with Ling, watching behind her wooden mask.
"Well your 'emperor' is being a brat and won't teach me how to use the damn things." Greed said, "So unless you want more rumors about how Ling's actually a shit-faced moron emperor - rumors that might be partially true - you should show me how to use these."
Greed could tell it took all of Lan Fan's self-restraint not to sigh. "Fine."
Wow, I can't believe you actually got that to work!
Lan Fan took a seat next to Greed, picking up a clean pair of chopsticks, "Well, firstly, you need to use one hand, not stab it like some savage."
"You implying I'm a savage?" Greed asked, eyebrow raised.
"That was not just an implication."
Ling let out a bark of laughter. You two have fun with your lesson!
AA/N: What do you mean Greed's dead he's right here I have no idea what you're talking about.
* I'll punch a bee. I don't give a fuck.
** I think Greed and Ling would have probably set up some kind of 'who gets control' schedule if Greed had survived. They'd probably ignore it like 50% of the time though.