Disclaimer: My friend and I don't own Weiss Kreuz or any of the music/lyrics used in this fic.
A/N: In a desperate attempt to avoid my philosophy homework, my friend and I took turns writing this. I'm breaking it down into separate chapters. This is not to be taken seriously in ANY WAY. This is basically a crack!fic and we realize that it is COMPLETELY ludicrous. Characters aren't necessarily in character, and this plot is, seriously, on something. Only thing is this came out of our brains without any help. That's why we think it's funny. We hope you'll find it amusing, too! Enjoy!
Chapter One: Little Shop In Horror
It was a lovely day in the woods. There was a deer there, and it decided that it was rather hungry. So, it went and ate some rather lovely wild strawberries.
Unfortunately, there was poison ivy mixed in with the strawberries. The deer's tongue suddenly became very itchy and uncomfortable. It shook its head and gnashed (heh) its teeth. What ever was it going to do?
So the deer went to visit Dr. Farfarello's Medical Practices. Nurse Schuldig, a handsome young buck (not fuck) was there, too! How splendid! However, when the good doctor came in, Farfarello cut out the deer's tongue with his javelin-like knife. Oh no! The nurse smiled prettily.
The deer choked on its blood, gagging and eyes rolling as the nurse invaded his mind, laughter echoing between his ears. Oh, why?
What ever had the poor deer done to deserve this cruel fate, it wondered as it faded out of existence, sprawled in a pool of blood. The "good doctor" jabbed it once more just to be sure it was dead. But before they could do anything else, there was a knock on the door…
Nagi opened the door and the doctor's office faded away into blackness and stars. The poor animal remained, dead as it was.
"What the hell are you two doing?" Nagi asked in an unamused voice. "Crawford wanted me to tell you that whatever you were about to let Farfarello do to that animal was going to have severe consequences. He suggests that you do something more productive with your time."
The other two glanced at each other, then back at Nagi.
"Like what?" Schuldig asked with a smirk, crossing his arms. Farfarello was more interested in the fairly difficult task of dislodging his javelin from the deer's body.
Nagi didn't even flinch at the squelching noise the deer's carcass made. "I don't know, Crawford didn't tell me."
"Bothering him might be fun…" Schuldig got up, stretching like a cat.
"Don't bother Crawford. At least he gets us work. And work gets us money, so behave and let him do his part so we can do ours."
"What's up, brat? You don't seem like much fun today," Schuldig sneered down at him. The teenager just rolled his eyes and left.
"Spoilsport," Schuldig snorted. He glanced down at the deer, then looked up at Farfarello, who was watching him silently.
"What exactly are you intending to do with this, Farfarello?" he asked, nudging the corpse with his foot.
"Killing things hurts God…" Farfarello said. Schuldig rolled his eyes.
"You have no idea." He cocked his head thoughtfully. "Hmm…I suppose Fearless Leader would appreciate not having carcasses lying around…" He grinned suddenly. "And I have just the place to dispose of it."
After an hour of careful preparation involving multiple sharp objects (courtesy of Farfarello), several trash bags, several sturdy cardboard boxes and a lot of cutting they were done. Schuldig stood back to admire their work as Farfarello neatly sliced off the last section of packing tape and pressed it onto the box.
"Perfect," Schuldig said with a wicked smile, surveying the line of (relatively) neatly packed boxes. Now they just needed a phone book to find a few addresses, starting with a certain flower shop…
"Why thank you!" Omi chirped, signing the clipboard the UPS man held out. He accepted the box with both hands, smiling and retreated into the flower shop.
"Who's that from?" Yohji asked, sauntering into the main room. "One of the ladies?" he winked.
"There's no return address," Omi murmured in response. He carefully cut the packing tape and opened the folds of the cardboard box.
His shouts rang through the shop and into the street, right into the open window of the car in which Schuldig and Farfarello sat, horribly amused.
"What the hell!?" Yohji demanded, rushing over to see what was causing the fuss. Omi was kneeling on the floor, trying very hard not to vomit.
"Jesus!" Yohji yelped, jerking backwards and involuntarily shoving the box off the table. A bloody deer haunch flopped onto the floor with a wet thud. Right next to a folded white something. Mastering his disgust, Yohji bent and picked it up, discovering it was a card, one of the ones with quaint, charming watercolors of houses in the woods surrounded by flowers. Hands shaking slightly, he opened the card…
'Greetings and salutations! This is just a little token of esteem from some people who have followed your career with great amusement. I hope you appreciate this gesture on our part.'
It wasn't signed.
"Hey, guys," Ken grinned. "What going on—HOLY HELL! What is that!?"
"What's all the commotion out here?" Aya asked, coming out of the closet he was in.
"Leg…box…blood…" Omi mumbled from behind his hand, eyes tightly closed.
"It's an animal leg," Aya observed brilliantly.
"Who the hell sends an animal leg to a flower shop?!" Ken demanded.
"Someone very, very sick…" Yohji growled.
"I know," Aya said after a pause. The other three looked at him (well, two, Omi was still rocking back and forth in a fetal position).
"Who's the sickest group of people we know?" Aya continued. His eyes narrowed dramatically.
"Schwarz…"
Schuldig laughed from the car, basking in the glow of horrified minds and of…sheer ludicrousness. He looped the thoughts back to Farfarello, who smiled at him in a manic-type way.
"I always feel like…somebody's watching me…" Schuldig murmured sweetly.
Farfarello raised an eyebrow calmly. "Did you really plan all of this out to that extent?"
"Your lack of faith in my irony is disturbing," Schuldig grinned.
TO BE CONTINUED!