September 16
Dear Tyler,
You're gone. And I don't know what to do without you. Life is nothing but a haze right now, a foggy haze like the one still lingering over lower Manhattan. All of New York City is weeping.
They say Life goes on, but it doesn't. It does not. Everyday I open my eyes, and every day I realize and relive the idea that you're not here. That no one will be next to me at night, no one will steal the covers from me, and no one to hold me when I cry. And I do cry, a lot about you.
Because it is impossible to forget you. You are always in my thoughts, no matter where I go, you are there. I can't go anywhere but places you've been. I stay in the apartment all day, because it still smells like you. Like cigarettes and clean. You had a grocery list going on the fridge and a list of classes you wanted to take on the nightstand. Sometimes, I'll run my fingers over the letters and feel where you pressed down a pen.
Caroline won't stop drawing your face. I think she's afraid if she does she'll stop remembering what you looked like, in a way I'm a little scared too. I asked you once if you went there to write to Michael and you said "I had to tell someone about you." You had a way of making the people you loved feel special, it was one of your gifts. I realized that I never got the chance to make you feel that way.
I never got to tell you that you changed me, Tyler. You made me live carelessly again, you made me love again. You made me able to forgive. You were the most beautiful person I knew. And now you're gone.
In a way, I hate you for leaving. I hate that because you died I hurt so incredibly much, I hate that I know I'll never get over you. My happiness is gone. It's only replaced with the fleeting comfort that you are out there somewhere, looking down at us. And it makes me smile, because then you are reading this letter and you understand. You're seeing me cry, and seeing Caroline draw you like you're the most incredible miracle. And you are. You still are. Because you saved us all.
Know that wherever you are, I love you. We all love you. Remember me, and how I loved you.
Love Always,
Ally
September 20
Tyler,
Where are you…
Ally
September 25
Dear Tyler,
I told you that Life doesn't go on. Mine has stopped. But everyone else, their's does. I want to scream at them when I walk down the streets. How can they have forgotten so easily? It's only been two weeks.
It's been two weeks… Your father made me go to see a grief counselor. She told me the first two weeks are the hardest, but things tend to be easier afterwards. Bullshit. In three years, when I can't remember the exact day we went on our first date or the day you asked me to go out with you, things will be just as hard. I can feel it. In a way I am closer to you than ever. I know now what it felt like everyday for you about Michael, and it's even worse because he chose to leave you. You didn't get a choice, I wish you had.
My dad's sick. All of the ash down at what they're now calling "Ground Zero", has damaged his lungs. He'd been down there everyday, doing God knows what. It made me mad at first, I begged him not to go, but now I realize he did it, in a way, for you. It took me to lose you for him to figure out how much you had meant to me. I think he regrets that. At least, I hope he does.
I found an old camera of yours and took it the camera place to get whatever film was in it developed. They were all pictures you had taken of me, sometimes I am sleeping or at the beach or making dinner. It made me mad you were in none of them, except for one. You can see your hand pulling the sheet away. I threw away the rest and kept that one. Why did you love me so much?
Ally
October 12
Tyler,
I went to that place you took me to eat on our first date, I ordered the same thing. I kept staring at the empty seat in front of me as I ate. I pretended you were sitting there watching me, you just hadn't ordered because you weren't hungry. When I was done the waiter came and took my plate away and asked if I wanted dessert. I said no. I don't care about that anymore. I don't care if I die ten seconds later without having had my one last indulgence. I just don't care.
Is it sick to think that I don't care about having desert first anymore, because I know that if I die without having ate it that it doesn't matter . I'll be with you, wherever you are. Is that wrong? I think if you were alive, you would get it. Since, I think you might've felt that about your life and Michael sometimes too. Did you? Even after you met me?
Ally
October 31
Dear Tyler,
I've been put on Caroline duty. Every day I walk her home from school. We usually go through the park, but she refuses to go anywhere near the Alice in Wonderland statue. Absolutely refuses. Her hair's grown a little longer, she looks as beautiful as she always did. I took some chalk with me yesterday and I sat down as she drew. It was your face again, like it always is now. She drew a picture of you and her walking in the park. Just like she and I do now. We must have sat there for two hours. I couldn't tell her we had to go though, she was so determined to get it out of her system. It's sad that all those beautiful pictures will just wash away with the rain.
Your father and I are the only ones she'll be around anymore. Aidan comes to visit, but it's always tense and forced. She doesn't seem to have anymore problems at school… which is good. The least the could be asked given the situation. Your situation.
I've dropped all of my classes this semester. I can't do it. I need… I don't know, but it isn't school. Dad was furious but there isn't much he can do. He's insisting I start up again next semester, and I probably will. I might take some of the classes you put on your list.
It's Halloween today, I never knew you at Halloween. I never knew if you liked this holiday or not. I have no idea, I wish I did. I wish you were here to tell me.
Love Always,
Ally