Let's Play Pretend
As a child, I always pretended. I pretended to be happy, even though I was breaking deep inside. I pretended to be perfect, but the truth is I am nothing but a flaw.
I grew up in a world where secrets and lies are right by your side. Morning and evening, they glare at you, it's as if they were mocking you that you are unworthy to be alive.
I may have all the material things a person could ever want, but I was never satisfied. Maybe it was how I was raised or how I was born, but I was always someone I was not.
Once in my life I confessed to the priest that I lied to myself day in and day out, pretending to be someone I'm not. I wanted to be accepted, I said. I thought he would understand, but I was wrong. He laughed at me. That was when I realized that trusting someone with your secrets other than god is heartbreaking.
My life has been a total heaven and hell you could say. My mother maybe there to love and support me, but she never listens.
I live in a world, feeling useless. As if I was just a burden. Later on I found out I was right.
My mother constantly reminds me how she wished I was not her child. Even though she says it in different words you will know what they truly mean. She always compares me to other children who she thinks are perfect. Maybe they are.
Some times in my darkest of thoughts I wondered if she would be much more happy if I was never conceived in this world. Where she could find prince charming and have never met my father at all. Who in her point of view, is nothing but a sorry bastard who have no goal in life.
I always wished that I could be perfect, yet where ever I turned I will see people criticizing my every move, not accepting who I was but wanted me to be the person that would please them. A silly china doll that will do there every command.
I tried to kill myself numerous of times that I already lost count of them. In ever one of them, I was scared, scared of dying, of being rejected by god.
I wanted to please everyone so much that I lie to people, so they may believe that I was perfect, brave and can be someone you can call a friend. In all of this, I realized, that I was not pulling them towards me, but pushing them back.
In every person I meet, I was always different. That's when I began to wonder who I truly was. Am I someone who is a complete pretender? Or a person who is afraid to get hurt again? Maybe even both. I don't care anymore, I'm already corrupted and there is nothing to clean me and be pure.
Maybe God was wrong to create my soul. I am not worthy to live or even be able to know what it means to have a family. They deserve better. Someone who does not pretend to be the perfect being. Reaching for something that is beyond their grasp.
Many times in my life, people say that I am brave to be able to stand up no matter how many problems I face. How I was able to not grieve after my father leaves us, not even batting an eyelash reminiscing about my past. They were wrong. Piece by piece, I was breaking inside, feeling my heart with hate, not for others, but for myself.
I hate how I was like this, a person that does not even make my mother smile for at least 24 hours. Or how I scorn my very being to the point of insanity.
No one new that I was lonely, they see me as nothing but a disrespecting child who is selfish and greedy. I guess they were right, I am someone unworthy to love or be loved. I'm not smart, nor am I beautiful. I'm just trash as my mother put it.
In times I say to myself that they just don't understand and in time they will, but in the end I know they won't. They are only human, and I can't expect them to do the impossible.
I wondered to myself one night, after my mother and I fought, if I was never conceived or I died on the day of my birth, would things have been different. Would my mother's dreams have been fulfilled? Would she be in America right now with her husband and children? Would she be happy? Would she be satisfied? So many questions I could never get the answers from.
After all I am not worthy and just a big pretender.