A/N: Wow, it's really been a long time since I've posted anything - and even longer since I've written something for the D. Gray-man fandom! So, basically this idea came to me earlier while I was reading some doujinshi. I thought it would be kind of cute, but it ended up being a bit more angsty than I thought. Oh well, I'm really happy with the results. I'm totally in love with angsty/moody!Lavi. I hope you like it to. And don't forget to review!
Summary: Sometimes, even he could be selfish.
Warnings: Possible spoilers (where?), boys-love/shounen-ai/slash, angst, fluff near the end. NOT BETA READ.
Disclaimer: I wish I owned D. Gray-man, because then Allen/Lavi would be even more canon than it already is (seriously, they actually do have some value in canon).

Lavi sat down next to Allen. The two were relaxing under a tree, enjoying the bright, sunny weather they were so fortunate to have. "Hey," the bookman apprentice greeted as he took his place next to his friend.

"Hmm? Oh, hi," Allen replied, smiling at Lavi. "This is certainly unexpected."

"Is it?" Lavi asked, laughing slightly. "Well, you've been going off on your own a lot lately, so I just figured you would enjoy some company, yeah?"

Allen nodded. His smile receded slightly as he looked away. Lavi tilted his head to the side a little to show his confusion. "Is something the matter?" he asked.

"No," Allen replied, "I've… just been doing a lot of thinking lately, is all." He smiled again. Lavi frowned – he hated it when Allen smiled like that. It was empty. Whenever something was wrong with the white-haired exorcist, he'd hide behind fake smiles and act as if he were fine. It was fairly obvious to the others that kept a close connection to him – Lavi was no exception.

"I see," the older of the two said, "Thinking… about what?"

Allen seemed to stop for a moment. He was debating in his mind whether or not he should reveal his thoughts to Lavi. In the end, though, he decided to reveal some of the truth rather than all of it. "Well… nothing that's really important. I've been thinking about the wars: the victims."

Lavi nodded. "You mean the casualties, right?"

"Yes."

Lavi sighed. "They must be missed."

Allen bit his lip, unseen by his companion. "Yeah…" he said quietly. "I mean… every time we lose one of our own, I can't help but feel sad."

"I know what you mean," Lavi said. "Their families must miss them. I suppose it's hard to lose someone that close to you."

"You've never lost someone close to you, Lavi?" Allen asked. Lavi shook his head.

"I was taken in as an apprentice to Bookman so long ago," he said. "I… I didn't have anyone close to me. And as a Bookman, I can't." He was about to say something else, but got cut off by Allen sighing heavily. "What's the matter, Bean Sprout?"

"Don't call me that," the younger exorcist said automatically. He ran a hand through his snow white hair and closed his eyes, sighing tiredly again. Lavi decided to repeat the question.

"I… I was just thinking how sad that is. You're not allowed to get close to anyone? So are you saying that having friends in the Order is pointless?" Allen asked, opening his eyes and looking at Lavi with a melancholy expression. The redhead could only nod.

"What you say has… a bit of truth in it, yeah?" he said. "But… I don't buy that at all. I guess I'm committing a sin against Bookman's Policies, but I've already let myself get too close to everybody here."

Again, Allen bit his lip. This time, however, Lavi noticed and turned to look at him. "What is it, Allen?"

"It… it's nothing," he said. Lavi instantly perceived that whatever was on Allen's mind was bothering him even more now – Allen wasn't smiling to hide it.

"Don't lie to me, Bean Sprout," Lavi chided him. Allen winced slightly. "I know something's bothering you and I'm not leaving until you tell me."

Allen stood up. "Then I guess I'll have to leave first." Lavi also stood, grabbing the younger's arm as he began to walk away. "Lavi…" he said. "Please stop."

"Tell me what's the matter."

Allen scoffed and began to try and struggle under Lavi's grip. The Bookman apprentice would have none of that, however, and pulled harder. Allen's eyes squeezed shut as Lavi used his other hand to turn the white-haired exorcist around. Allen's blue-grey eyes opened, and a look of protest grew on his face. Lavi leaned in closer to Allen's face and whispered, "Tell me."

Allen sighed and slumped against the tree's trunk, sliding down it slowly. He was really too tired to bother arguing with Lavi, and he felt the need to get these feelings off his chest. Lavi sat down again, too, and Allen leaned his head on the redhead's shoulder. "I… I want to know if I'll be missed."

Lavi thought for a moment. Hearing no response, Allen decided to elaborate. "I mean… who would care if I were to die in battle? I'm sure that the others will feel some kind of loss… but would they mourn for Allen Walker, the human, instead of Allen Walker, the exorcist?" he sighed deeply. "My master wouldn't. Kanda wouldn't. Maybe even Komui wouldn't. I can't help but think Lenalee might be the only one. But… I don't know, Lavi. Somehow I can't be satisfied thinking she would be the only one to miss me."

Lavi nodded. "I see," he said simply. Allen laughed bitterly. "I'm sorry. I must sound selfish."

"It's okay to be selfish sometimes," Lavi said, stroking Allen's soft white hair. He leaned his head to the side so that he was resting on Allen; hand still in the younger exorcist's hair. Lavi sighed deeply. "It's natural to think of yourself above others sometimes, Allen."

"Is it?" Allen questioned, not looking up into Lavi's face. His eyes traveled downwards to the soft, green grass they were sitting on. "I mean… I don't have anyone any more. I… I have friends, but I don't have anybody that loves me the way Mana did."

Lavi smiled. "You're wrong, Bean Sprout," he whispered. Allen's eyes closed again. "You're wrong."

"Lavi…" Allen muttered. "Why do we have to suffer?"

"Because the fates have made it that way," Lavi replied. "As an exorcist, you… we don't get a choice in our destinies."

"Do you think… the war will end, Lavi?"

"I hope so. But even then, we'll still suffer."

Allen was puzzled. He was still fairly young, and although he had seen a lot of terrible things in his few years on Earth, he was still a little bit naïve. "What do you mean?" he asked, biting his lip. Lavi sighed.

"Once the war ends, Bookman and I will most likely have to leave the Black Order."

Allen immediately pulled away and gabbed Lavi by the shoulders. "You can't!" He exclaimed. "We… we're friends…! Lavi!"

Lavi turned his gaze away. "A Bookman… has no need for a heart."

"That's not true!" Allen cried. "You… you have a heart, Lavi! You said it yourself! You've gotten close to the others – to me! You can't leave me now, Lavi… you just can't." He clutched the fabric of Lavi's shirt, wrinkling it between his fingers. Allen lowered his head, clenching his teeth and shaking. He wouldn't look at Lavi – not right now. He couldn't. In his mind, Allen felt betrayed.

"Look at me, Bean Sprout."

Allen didn't look up. He tightened his grip, as if letting go would cause Lavi to disappear.

"I said Look at me, Allen."

Still, the white-haired exorcist silently refused. Lavi let out a slightly annoyed noise, and wrapped his arms around Allen to pull him closer to him. Allen took a small intake of breath out of shock, and slowly returned the embrace. "L-Lavi…"

"I'm sorry."

Allen buries his face into the older male's chest. "Don't say that. I know that it's not –"

"I shouldn't have said anything, Allen. I'm sorry."

"Lavi…?"

The redhead sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Look… even if we don't survive the war, our suffering won't end in our deaths."

Allen pulled away again slightly. "What do you mean?" He asked. Lavi smiled, looking away again. His voice and expression were both laced with amused bitterness.

"I mean…" he stared, slowly, "… if I outlive you, then I'll end up making you suffer even more."

Allen still didn't understand. He was about to ask for some elaboration, but Lavi interrupted him. "Akuma… really are horrible creatures, aren't they? I think you told me once that the soul inside will suffer until it's been freed?"

Allen froze. "You… Lavi, you'd turn me into an Akuma?" he asked quietly. Lavi laughed bitterly, nodding.

"I… I care about you, Bean Sprout."

"But you just –"

"I don't know what I could do without someone… someone like you to be there with me. I'm not supposed to have a heart, but… like I said; I let myself get just a little to close, yeah?"

Allen smiled – the first time in a while Lavi had seen him give a genuine expression of happiness. The redhead couldn't help but open his mouth slightly in surprise. Is Bean Sprout… blushing?

This realization made Lavi's face warm as well. Allen laughed and sat up on his knees, pulling himself closer to the older male. He maneuvered his hands to rest on either side of Lavi's face, and tangled his fingers in crimson locks.

"Bookman is going to kill you."

"I… I know."

Allen pulled Lavi closer and closer, until their lips just barely met. Lavi reached up behind Allen and tangled a hand in his hair, while one was wrapped around his back. They pulled away from each other for just a moment, eyes heavily lidded. "Allen…" Lavi whispered. Allen smiled and kissed Lavi again. The Bookman apprentice pulled Allen down so that he was lying on top of him, and the two just lay there.

After a few moments Allen pulled away again, breathing steadily. His cheeks were a shade of pink, and Lavi's mirrored. The two boys just smiled at each other for a while until they decided to sit up.

"So, Bean Sprout," Lavi said, breaking the comfortable silence, "Don't worry about being missed or unloved. You'll never have to worry about that."

Allen smiled. "I know, Lavi."

The two stood up simultaneously and hugged each other. "We should go back inside," Lavi suggested. "It's almost dinner, and I know you're hungry."

"Yeah."

They set off together, hand in hand.

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