Let Her Go - Swan Queen

by KSQ

During Emma's struggle as the new Dark One, she writes Regina a very detailed letter, exposing her deepest feelings and disgust in Robin. So what happens when they finally meet face to face? Are the feelings mutual or will Robin take the upper hand?

Title: Let Her Go

Genre: Angst

Written: 8th December, 2016

x

She was the one person who destroyed me in less than three days. A span of three days that swung my mind into a path of self-destruction and complete pain. That turned my entire world upside down. The fact of knowing that you felt so much about someone and then there was the bitterness of having the doubts sneak up on you like vines. Wrapping around your heart and choking the life out of you. Destroying your heart. Squeezing it until the pain worsened and no matter what, your breathing couldn't proceed.

Why?

Because I was foolishly in love with a woman I could never have.

I was the stupid Savior who crashed through the town line and stumbled upon a beautiful brunette with the kindest eyes. The kind of eyes that were brown and captivating to a point where I could get lost in them after a split of a second. She made me believe that all my hurtful experiences with other lovers could be erased and that her presence alone could muffle their demonic torments on my heart. That my heart could beat again freely just because we were in the same room together, the same town together and there was hope. There was hope that I could at least believe that she desired me as much and wanted me as much as my body ached for hers.

It reached a particular crescendo though, when Robin came into the picture. Because he was a useless fuck to begin with. The kind of man who was too decent and too perfect with all his self glory and praises to deserve a woman like her. A broken Queen like her. Because I believe that she needed to feel what another broken soul had to offer. She needed to feel someone like me inside of her. Someone who yearned to touch her with all my broken pieces and shards of my shattered self. Knowing that I could not whisper sweet 'I love you's' to her as he did but I would wake her the fuck up and tell her what the truth was.

That she was as broken as me.

She didn't need to know how I felt. She already knew. She knew what it was like to be rejected. To have parts of yourself torn from the other, ripped and bleeding. To know that the people who cared for you didn't even know you. They didn't know what you wanted. They could only see as much as they wanted. They could only see the pretty little girl they envisioned to have but what about the fucking pain that resided inside your heart? What about the part of you that ached to be touched and to be understood? In a way that not even Robin could ever understand. Because he couldn't understand what it felt like to suffer through a heartbreak that changed you. No. I knew what it felt like.

I lived that life before, as she did.

But instead of becoming the Evil Queen, I ended up being thrown into prison after the little ordeal concerning a bunch of fucked up, and useless watches.

He let me take the fall.

Can you believe that?

A man who I loved and trusted and had plans with. A man who I was pregnant for. A man who told me all the nice things a girl needs to hear, and promised me the world, that we'd go to the moon and back and we'd have a kid. He fucked me over in less than twenty four hours with his soppy excuse of protecting me and knowing what's best for me. He planted me in prison where I had to suffer through pregnancy, getting my ass kicked because I was a blonde, as they called me. A blonde who was too beautiful to be inside the prison and they beat the shit out of me. They used to choke me with their hands, fingers tormenting me until I passed out.

Wasn't that enough torture?

I came out strong.

I could have killed myself and I tried to.

Emma Swan, imagine that. Emma tried to kill herself over and over again by the use of pills and then the pills didn't work. Then drugs didn't numb me enough. And I came up back for air and I survived. Why?

I asked myself why a million times.

And then I met her.

I met her one night when my son came for me, somehow knowing that it was faith that we must meet. He came for me, and then I was driving into her little town that she had possessed and she owned and she controlled. And then she was racing down this walkway with her dark hair fanning out all around, in tears. And I remembered thinking, where the hell have you been all my life? Why is it that when you just come rushing towards me, I felt as if you were like a train, crashing into my life?

Why did I feel as if you were like half of my heart that had been missing all along? And when I thought that Neal was the other half, immediately you made me feel as if you fitted perfectly with my fucked up soul.

You made me look at you and I believed, I really believed that that was it. That it was love at first sight. That somehow, in my little demented world, where my mind had been bashed repeatedly by the torments of the world, that I had met a broken soul. As broken as mine. And somehow you'd live to tell the tale of us, the way I came crashing into your perfect world and I made you gaze at me as if your life changed in that moment. I saw how you looked at me. If I could shout it out now, I would. I would shout out that you locked eyes with me and you looked at me as if you understood. As if you could feel my fucking pain.

So my question after all this time was always the same, Regina. Why the hell did you run to a man who could not heal you as I could? Why did you find it necessary to seek comfort in his arms when I was right there? I was always there. I was in the same town as you. I was in your presence all the damn time and yet you found it necessary to step over me, to trample me by seeing through me. As if I was a piece of nothing. You saved me. You cared for me. I know you did because you would have killed me before but you saved me. And yet you chose him.

The day you chose him, I died inside.

I remember in Neverland how you were acting up against me. Trying to make me feel your rage so that I could get my magic going. Trying to make me fuel up this feeling inside of me to bring forth exactly what was necessary. But I'll confess to you now, Regina. I'll tell you this now. It wasn't the fact that I was mad at you that made me use my magic. It was the fact that I was so in love with you, that the thought of it shot daggers through my heart. I sat there in Neverland and I watched you sitting there all by yourself. And I watched my parents. I watched them hug each other and believe in their stupid definition of the perfect love, of a man and woman falling in love with a Prince and a Princess. And then I looked at you. And I saw everything in you. I saw so much in you that from that day on, my entire soul attached itself to you so that I could use my magic.

So that I could survive.

Honestly I'll tell you this. If I had met you when I was in the foster system and if I had seen the way your brown eyes swirled around when you felt some kind of emotion, Regina, I would have dropped every fucking thing to be with you. I would have given my soul to you in that moment, knowing that you existed and you were in the same world as me. And you were as broken as me. And you understood what it felt like to lose and to hurt and to feel unwanted. I would have given you everything. I wanted to give you everything. I wanted to give you what you were looking for but you chose him.

How the hell could you choose him over me?

I'm the Dark One now and I can't begin to explain to you what it feels like. It hurts like hell and it pains so much. It's like my heart is shattering into a million pieces every single minute and I can't breathe at all. I can't stand the pain of having this darkness inside of me but I am surviving anyway. I am surviving because of one person.

Because of you.

The moment I stepped in and saved you. The moment I took the darkness away from you. That was the moment I wanted you to see my face. To see how I sacrificed my soul for you. How I stood there and I took away all the pain that was consuming you. The pain that would have killed you. I snatched it and I allowed the darkness to take me over instead because I couldn't see you suffer. Knowing that you could at least survive without this pain inside of your heart, and knowing that that pain wouldn't worsen, I took it as much of the pain away as I could. And I allowed it to swallow me up.

It was the worst pain of all.

Why?

Because even as I stole everything that would have killed you in that moment. Even as I took away the darkness and allowed it to attach itself onto my soul, you ran to him. I saw you. I saw how you ran to the man who was more important to me because of his gender. And morality. I saw how he cradled you in his arms and held onto you whilst I suffered and I died and I cried out in pain. I saw how you allowed him to hold you and even as you struggled, you didn't struggle enough to run forward and scream at me. You didn't break free from his arms and rush forth and shout that you were fucking pissed at me for doing what I was doing, and that you were so sorry, that you had treated me the way you did. That you wanted me to see you in that moment and know that everything was collapsing and you were still there, that you'd find me.

No.

You remained in his arms and you surrounded yourself with this delusion that he was your soul mate. You made me see in that moment as I twisted in agony that you chose him over me. Why? Because of my gender. Because all your life, you had been trying to be mommy's perfect little girl to please everyone. You had been trying to find your happy ending and you wanted everyone to be so pleased of you when you did. When you found it in a man. A man who you once believed yourself to be in love with but be truthful with me. He was your free ticket out of hell. You didn't love him, did you? You wanted to use him to escape. And that's why you clung onto the belief that he was the perfect one.

But what about me, Regina?

What about the times I saved you and the times I chose you over everyone else? What about the times when I called you late at nights and stayed with you when sleep didn't come? What happened to those moments? The nights when you'd begin shaking and no one could understand you as much as I did and somehow your thumb pressed my number. I'd be sleeping and I'd answer your call. I'd bolt up in my bed and answer you. And I'd stay there until you fell asleep. I'd be there for you. I'd tell you things about New York and and you'd laugh about it. Your sarcasm would drip but soothe my heart. You'd eventually drift off.

What happened to those times?

Now when I'm so dark and so fucked up and I need someone, you don't take my calls. You've somehow proven to yourself that I'm a lost cause and all those moments that we shared mean nothing. Because he's there. That's it, isn't it? That's the truth. He's the perfect one. He's the one that soothes your nightmares, isn't he?

Can you just stop for a goddamn second and look at yourself in the mirror? Can you just see how beautiful you are and how fake your image looks beside him? The man who has slept with your fucking sister. The man who shares a child with your sister, Regina. You ran back to him. You ran back to this person who must have known something about her presence, and the fact that she wasn't his wife all along. He had to know. Do you think that I'm stupid? Does he have you under a spell? Because that's the only explanation that makes sense.

That he did something to you to make you drop all your senses and run back to him.

And then you come to me, speaking about my relationship with Killian. I had no choice. There was a man, who came running after me, who dropped everything for me without effort and he loved me. This man was so broken inside and yet he chased me. What the hell was I supposed to do? I kissed him. I kissed him because I needed to fool myself into believing that what I felt for you wasn't real. That what my heart ached for was nothing more than a friendship with you. So I led him on. I allowed him to chase me and I believed in him. I dropped everything about you for him.

Camelot.

Do you know how it pains me to remind you of Camelot? The moments we spent together and you'd brush our fingers together? The way our eyes met and just for a second, I'd stare at you, I'd gaze at you and I'd wonder if you were seeing in me the same thing I saw in you. When you held that dagger out and tried to control me, Regina, asking me to break my walls down just so that you could have me reveal my true intentions, you knew, didn't you? You knew what my true intentions were and you were toying with me. You wanted me to tell you exactly how I felt and why I was choosing darkness, why it was so easy to give into the pain of having control over the pain of seeing you with him and knowing that I couldn't have you. You knew. You knew that my thirst for control over my life, my belief that I could consume this darkness and use it to destroy myself somehow, to replace what I felt for you with darkness, you knew what I felt.

But you found it necessary to try to squeeze it out of me anyway.

I wasn't going to tell you how I felt about you. Why? Because you fucked me over again and again by blatantly choosing him in front of me. The times you made me purposely give in to your pleas to help him. To help you find him in New York and you knew. You knew how I felt about you and you used me. To a point where I went to New York and I saw how he shot your feelings down in front of your damn sister. I stood there and I saw how he made you cry and I knew that he wasn't the one but what did you do? You took him back. Why? Because you wanted to kill me.

Well look at me now, Regina.

I'm the Dark One and I made the stupid mistake of creating another one. I believed, just as you did, that what we felt for each other would never happen. So I gave Killian a chance. I trusted everything in him and I gave him a second chance. Now he's going to kill me. Now he's going to do what it takes to destroy me but guess what, I'm already being destroyed. I'm already the woman who you killed countless times before when Robin was cuddled in your arms right in front of me.

Darkness doesn't feel as bad as heartbreak, Regina.

Darkness feels like power whilst heartbreak feels like death.

So I'm here now and I'm actually writing this to you and I hope that you understand what the hell I mean when I say that the only person who can save me is you. You're that person. You're the woman who came crashing into my life and all of a sudden, I lost all the hurt from my past. I wiped them away and gazed at you. I saw in you, the hope that the world wants when it is faced with crisis. The way the sun rises after a dark night and rises proudly. That's how you made me feel. You make me feel as if I can come out of this mess I am in and run into your arms. You make me feel as if you're everything to me whilst everyone else is nothing. You make me feel as if what you have with Robin is nothing compared to what you'd have with me.

Because you can save me.

You're the only one who can save me because I broke your curse.

Don't you know what it feels like to have hope in one person? To know that when you wake up each day, the mere existence of that person makes you want to go ahead and conquer the damn world. I use you as my fuel. I use you as my guide. There are times when I am so lost and then I think of you. I think of how you would tell me to control myself and focus. How you would look at me as if I caused you so much conflicting pain and emotions and you'd tell me to suck it up and push forward. I look at you now and know that you see how much I love you. But then you choose to call me Miss Swan. You choose to stand there in all your glory and rip my heart to shreds by rolling back the years and addressing me as Miss Swan. Why? Because you want to get a rise out of me. And yet you want to keep him.

Well come to me now.

Come to me as I end off this letter and come to me with anger. I want you to come to me and show me what you feel without him by your side. I want you to face me without Robin there, to look at me and to feel me. To see the tears in my eyes and to show me your fucking hurt. To show me that you never loved him but you loved me. It was always me.

And so she comes.

She comes like a thief slinking through the shadows that cover the docks, as the wind whips her dark hair into a million strands. She comes like a ghost who wishes to capture the sight of someone for one last time. There she comes. Wearing a dark, red coat that reminds me of blood, the blood that has gone cold in my body because of the darkness inside. She comes with her perfect face and her perfect posture and her perfect ways. And she surveys the area, searching for me. But she can't see me as yet, can she? I'm standing right there and I'm watching her.

I'm watching every step she takes, every breath she takes. The curl of her fingers and the heave of her chest. The way those brown eyes sweep the area and the way she's hesitant to proceed. Because she doesn't trust me. She doesn't trust me still. Imagine that. She and I. We've been through so much and Regina is standing there in the shadows, her magic sizzling within clenched fists as she prepares to use it on me. That's how far we've come, haven't we, Regina? That's what you want to do to me? Use your magic on me?

"Do you want to kill me?" my tone is bitter as I step into view, the darkness inside of me straining, and pulling, ripping my heart but her face keeps me sane. "Are you actually going to use your magic on me?" It was more of a statement than a threat. Because I knew that she wouldn't do it.

I saw how she trembled from my presence finally and then even as she trembled, I closed the distance between us.

"Your...letter," her voice is barely a whisper now but it is all that I hear. Even above the roar of the ocean, her voice is all that matters to me. Magnified, with the ability to soothe my heart. She clutches the two pages between her slim fingers. "I read it."

"Good," I can't believe that I smiled. Really. I smiled and I looked at her and I kept thinking to myself, oh how I wish that you could suffer as you made me suffer from loving you. "So you know how I feel now."

Her answer comes slow but it's a "yes," coupled with a small nod. "I understand," she whispers. "I read every single word and I have read it so many times. I know."

"You know," my mockery shows, of course. I show her teeth and turn away, hugging myself. "You...know."

"What do you want me to say to you, Emma?" Her voice is cracking. She doesn't know as yet but it is nothing compared to the amount of times my heart cracked when she lingered in Robin's arms. "Do you want me to say that I feel the same way? Is that what you want me to tell you?"

"It's the truth, isn't it?" I turn around to face her again, and I realize that my movements, they're quick. My head turns sharply, and my back is rigid. I have become rigid because she has made me struggle with love. "Tell me the truth."

The look I receive is unbelievable at first, I can't understand how she could look at me like that. Even when we used to talk on the phone and I used to tell her that everything would be okay. And I promised her that I'd find her her happy ending. And I'd chase all her pain away. She chooses to look at me as if I'm stupid. As if I'm asking for the truth and the truth is evident. That she loves Robin.

"I know that you don't love him," I choke on my words, and wonder how the darkness inside of me allows such break down of composure. How the demons inside of me are listening quietly, without a struggle and they're allowing me to have this conversation with her. "I know that he's not the one. And I know that you want so much more but you're afraid to have it. I know you, Regina."

"You don't know me," she says. And as soon as she says it, she hugs herself. Glancing away, trying to picture herself elsewhere instead of in front of me. "You have no idea how I feel, Miss Swan."

"Don't Miss Swan me," I seethed, my fists clenched. "Don't do that. You know what?" I stare at her as she now stares at me. "Fuck you and your formality, Regina. Fuck all the bullshit that you've been showing me all this time. I'm sick of it. So get over yourself."

I'm stared at. "What the hell do you want from me, Emma?"

"Finally," I turn away and scoff at the raging waves, the water rushing along the shore and crashing not far from our boots. "Finally she says my name. I'm surprised that you remembered my name."

"I'm surprised that you even wrote me a letter like that."

"Why?" I turn to stare at her. "Are you afraid of knowing the truth? Of having it on paper?"

"I'm afraid of knowing that you feel that way about me," she says, and in her brown eyes, I can see the truth revealing itself.

"Because you feel the same way about me?" I stare her right in the eyes and never look away. "Because after reading every word, you know that deep down inside, I'm the one you want -"

"You're being ridiculous," she tries to wave it off.

"I'm being ridiculous?" I am convinced that she's brainwashed into loving him now.

"Yes."

"Look at me, Regina," I beg of her, throwing my arms open wide and standing there, wearing nothing but my black leather suit that makes me look invincible but I'm not. I'm so weak when she's there in front of me. "You can't even look at me, can you?"

"What do you want me to say to you?" she cries suddenly, and there are tears in her eyes. We're staring at each other now and all I can see is so much conflict, so much pain. "Emma, tell me what you want me to say. Go ahead. Tell me."

"Why did you choose him over me?" my words choke me and I can't breathe.

"Because it's easy." Just like that she says those words without thinking. Our eyes are still connected. "It's easy, and it's soothing. And he cares for me in a way that no one else can."

"He slept with your sister -"

"Oh spare me the dramatics and really tell me what the hell you want from me. Right now!" she shouts, her fist raised. "I am sick and tired of your mind games and I want this to stop now. Whatever you're trying to do, whatever your plan is, then I'll see to it that you fail."

"My plan, all along, was one thing and one thing only," I said.

"To hurt me."

"To love you and to make you see that."

'I know that." Regina said it as if she really believed in it. Stunning me. "I know that you feel that way. But I don't want to have you ruin your life because of me."

"Isn't it a little too late for me to ruin my life?" this is said through tears that suddenly sting my eyes and cause me to tremble. "I gave up everything for you and you're going to stand there and tell me about ruining my life. When I already ruined it by falling for you whilst you chose someone else over me."

"So you want us to do this?" she looks at me right in my face as if accusing my heart to take a leap. "Do you want me to give everything that I have to you and then I'll have to watch us fall apart?"

"Why the hell would you think that we'd fall apart?"

"Because of everything and everyone that will be working against us!" she cries, and the wind swirls her voice around. "Your parents! Our son! He believes that the perfect happy ending is a man and a woman. What am I supposed to tell him now? That the two women he holds most dear to his heart, that they're in love with each other." She admits it. I can't believe it. "That what we feel for each other is normal? Am I to sit Henry down and explain this to him and expect him to accept it?"

"If that's what it is then he has to accept it." My tone is flat.

Hers is bitter. "Forgive me, Emma, but I'm not about to break a child's belief in everything he holds dear, just because of something that is felt. If we play upon what we feel, and we come up back doubting what exists, then what happens then? Both of us will be ruined in the eyes of everyone. And what happens then?"

"At least I'll know that I give my heart a try to love you and you returned my feelings and it was a risk I took willingly without backing down," I said.

"So you actually want to risk everything for me?" her brown eyes were huge. The wind whipped around us.

"Yeah."

"No." She cuts me off and the wind slaps me.

What the fuck does she mean by no? What am I supposed to do now? Am I supposed to start crying? Am I supposed to say something? What am I supposed to do?

"Goodbye," she says, and whilst the wind whips her coat around, she turns away from me, and she walks away. Whilst I'm bleeding suddenly.

"Regina," I choke and the tears come so fast, nothing tastes worst than that. Nothing tastes worst than her name and knowing that she's going to walk away from me. "Regina, please. Don't walk away from me. I swear to God that I'm going to break myself if you do."

"You're not going to break without me," she says with her back to me. "You're going to survive. As you always did. This is just a phase. That's what it is." Her words are faltering now, carried away by the wind. "Soon, everything will fall into place and the truth will be shown."

I stand there, rigid and silent. I stay there staring, hurting and hating. Hating the simple fact that everyone in life would rather choose the easier path than then most difficult one. Except me. Always, I braved the thorny, shadowed trails even by myself. And maybe it was because of my 'Charming' blood but I liked a challenge. I liked to fight for something and only give up when there is no other way to bend the continuing trail. I wanted to believe in something and also accept the consequences.

If we could try this. Just us two. If we could try this, act on our feelings and fight for what sparked between us. If she could trust me and choose me and leave him. Then at least something would fall into place in my life. At least I could put my best into whatever we felt and fight for the continuation. But no. That's now what she wanted in her life because of a stained past. Regina now wanted the easier chance at love instead of being with me.

"Look at me," I said, noticing how stiff my voice had become now. Fists clenched too. Appropriate. After all, she was pushing this. "Look at what you did. I'm your monster now."

"Certainly it is quite a poetic attempt to mock me, but I'll shut you down," she said, merely glancing at me. "Whatever this is that you're...trying to achieve." Her brown eyes suddenly grew wide. "What are you doing?"

I advanced on her, that's what I did. Closing the distance as she stepped back but never quick enough. In fact, it was kind of an ill excuse to find humor when her boot heel clipped a jagged rock. Before the fall, my arm swung around her waist and she was snatched. Steadied. Gasping and completely stunned by our proximity, our chests suddenly heaving, I was stared at boldly. Her stare melted into a gaze that rested on my parted lips, painted red and I didn't let go. No. I held onto her and kept us close, so close, our bodies fitted together more tormenting enough that I could bear. And it reached a point where my head danced closer, aching to connect our mouths through passion rippling through my body.

But she struggled with me. I struggled back, my cold fingers wrapping around her arms and holding them in place. Keeping us together long enough to ignite that candle inside of her that would spark up. Something that would push the barrier until she snapped and came in hard. To kiss me. To do whatever she wanted to me.

"Let me go," her words were barely audible, the roar of the ocean drowning out everything except the beating of our hearts.

"I've waited too long for this," I said, the wind stinging my face.

"You can't have what you want, Emma." Her brown eyes clouded with tears that softened me. "Try as hard as you might but what you want, it can never be possible."

"Not unless you make an effort," I croaked, my chest aching, "with me. Give me a chance."

"And then what?" the sudden weakness of her tone stunned me. "Do we run away to another land and escape all the consequences that will come from our union? Do we build a cottage in the woods and banish your parents from seeing us? Am I to place enchantments around our humble abode to keep away all the enemies that will defintely come crawling forward? Just to catch an eyeful of the most outrageous lesbian couple that ever existed? The Queen from the fairytale books and Snow White's daughter? What will we -"

I kissed her hard. It didn't require any kind of planning. Because it was meant to happen. I moved in and I crushed my lips onto her already parted ones, halfway in speaking about all the doubts and fears. And from the moment my lips connected with hers, I believed that my heart sighed long and hard. It was like unearthing a treasure and finding that you had dreamed of expecting less when there was so much more. So much more to her taste, beyond what I could have ever dreamed about. Softness. The way she curled into me, balling her fists into my leather jacket and mewling from every move our mouths made together.

Nothing mattered anymore.

Nothing at all.

But just her.

The pages that were covered in my handwriting now chased one another in the wind after she let them go. It was like letting go of painful memories and accepting a fresh start. Knowing that this was what we always yearned for and to grasp it now, to share a kiss, everything started to fall into place. I was so sure of it when our lips parted. I looked into her brown eyes and saw the change that signaled so much more to come. I believed that she wanted a change. That she'd let Robin go and we'd be together.

I was so happy, no one could ever understand how a Dark One could hold onto so much hope and believe in a happy ending.

I had it all and I wanted it all.

I also knew what Gold meant when he said that no matter what, the ones we love as the Dark Ones, they'd always lose faith in us and walk away. Because as we stood there, arms wrapped around each other and our eyes connected, the change didn't last long. Instead, her fingers curled behind me and into the small of my back. I felt her retreating. The way the wave pulls out across the sand and returns to a sense of normalcy. No. She was not convinced enough.

Regina did the one thing that no other person had ever done to me that night. She did the one thing Neal never could do because he wanted to take the risk no matter what. Killian never gave up. He kept fighting for me. And she beat them all by knowing that I'd fight for her, that I'd disregard the consequences and her hands removed themselves slowly. I struggled in that moment. I struggle so hard with myself to stand still, to stay upright but the tears came too much. My body began to crumble.

"I can't do this," her voice whispered to me. "I've already forced myself to forget what I felt for you. With him. And what I felt for you cannot be resuscitated. I am so sorry. But Robin is my only choice right now."

"Then let me prove to you that I'm better," I choked on my own words. "Please let me do that."

"I'm not stopping you," she blinked away tears, stepping back some more, but keeping a hold on my shoulders and squeezing. "Just as you watched me draw closer to him, you broke my heart by letting Hook in. And we both ruined each other along the way. We both forced ourselves to step over what we feel."

"But whilst you're walking away from me to be with him, I'm walking away from Killian to be with you," I reminded her in a voice that I did not recognize as my own because it was too soft. "I'm putting everything I have to offer, right here, all for you."

She shook her head slowly, lips bitten and head lowered. I watched as she moved away, letting me go. I watched and I learned. I learned that in life we could put everything we feel in someone. We could love, and fight battles and let go of ourselves. We could soak up the darkness that was supposed to be for them, take a bullet for the one we love, and still they could watch you in your eyes and decline your love. They could shut you out and walk away to be with someone else.

"Just like that," I said. "After all that I've done for you."

"I never told you take the darkness away from me," she said, looking me straight in my eyes. "I told you no. But it was your choice. Your sacrificial move was obviously done to save my life and to prove that I am worth so much to you. However, there is also my side of the story that will always be a part that you never chose to ask about. The part where I stood on the sidelines from the moment we met and I watched you encourage the affections of so many others -"

"I didn't do -"

"Yes," she held up her hand, voice so steady, it was unbelievable. "You did. August, Neal, Killian...When Robin wasn't here, before he ever came into my life, you had a chance and I was open. But you never stepped up. You could never see that this town wasn't the only thing to be saved by you. But you were also my savior. So this is where it ends up, Emma." She sounded weary. As if all the life inside of her was being sucked out. "Fight for me if you wish. Show me that you're worth more than he is. And make me feel what I used to feel for you. Or just get over me and walk away."

I couldn't believe it.

"Right now, as it stands," Regina hugged herself and avoided my eyes, "I love you but not as much as I love him. So all I can offer you is friends."

"I can't be your friend."

"But I can. And I wouldn't stop myself from being there for you. Whether you will it or not. I care for you so much. And whatever you are planning to do right now, stealing all our memories and what not, I am going to step in and unearth the truth."

"What if I told you that we kissed in Camelot," I whispered, feeling so cold and numb. She stared at me. "What if I told you we kissed and that's why I had to take your memory away?"

"Then I'd say that you're lying. Because if that was true, you would have wanted me to remember. And you wouldn't have kissed me again to prove anything. Now are you going to tell me what your plan is with Excalibur and everything else?" Her voice was so soothing, I couldn't believe it. "Because I want to help you."

"I think that it's best," tears were blinding me, and I reached up to bat them away, "if we stay away from each other," I croaked, trying to breathe. "I don't want to speak to you or see you around me -"

"Emma." She stepped forward and I retreated. Funny how roles can be reversed, isn't it? "Don't do this."

"I have so much to do without you," I said stiffly, squaring my shoulders, fists clenched, "so take care...Madame Mayor."

She stared at me in shock when I addressed her as such and her lips parted. Without even sparing a second, I disappeared on the spot, leaving her choking on my absence. It had to be done. It just had to. Knowing that someone could stand there and tell me of their choice over what I could offer. Telling me that Robin was worth more than me.

I couldn't stand it.

I had to leave.

And so...that's exactly what was done.

X

A.N - I wrote this when I was high. So if it sucks, just know that it was the lamentations of an intoxicated mind, coupled with my heart breaking and tears wetting my keyboard.