Disclaimer: This is another little songfic I wanted to write. The song used is Tonight I Wanna Cry, by Keith Urban. It's set during Olivia's undercover stint with the FBI and then her transfer to computer crimes. I wanted to do one from Elliot's P.O.V. Hope you like it. Please read and review, anything that is known to be someone else's isn't mine.
Tonight I Wanna Cry
By Julia
It was a rainy night as Elliot Stabler let himself into his house. He was still partners with Dani Beck, and Olivia was still gone. He hated that. He and Olivia had had a terrible fight, and she'd gone undercover to get away. To get away from him. He hated that. He'd told her that they needed space. He had meant it at the time, but once she was gone, he missed her so much. He knew it had hurt her, too. He hadn't meant to. They hadn't had any contact since. His divorce from Kathy had been finalised, and he had kissed Dani by his car. He still wasn't really sure why he had done that. He didn't have any feelings for Dani like that. He loved Olivia Benson with every fiber of his being, and he ached to be holding her in his arms and apologizing for what he had said. He never had regretted anything else he had ever done or said as much as this.
Alone in this house again tonight
I got the tv on, the sound turned down
and a bottle of wine there's pictures of
you and I on the walls around me
the way that it is and the way it was surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being strong meant never
losing your self-control, but I'm just drunk enough
to let go of my pain to hell with my pride
let it fall like rain from my eyes
tonight I wanna cry
Elliot sat down on the couch, holding a beer. All the pics of he had of himself and Liv, (weren't many, only 3 or 4) were sitting on the table in front of him. One of them was fairly recent, it had been taken just before she left. They were here, and Fin had snapped the pic. They had looked happy. Almost like a couple. El had his arms around her, and Liv had thrown her head back, laughing. No doubt at something he or Fin had said. Her beautiful brown hair had been flowing around her shoulders.
He wished she was here now. He ached to be talking to her, to be with her. This distance was killing him. She could die out there, and it would take so long to trickle it's way back to him and their unit. He hated that. If something happened to her, he wanted to know right away. He couldn't handle it if it happened the other way.
He turned on the tv, just wanting something to distract him from his thoughts. He thought about Olivia at least 23 hours of the 24 in a day. He regretted kissing Dani. He kept mulling that over in his mind. He still wasn't sure exactly why he had done it. He had felt so numb since Olivia had been gone. He hadn't really been himself while she'd been away, either. Cragen was always asking him if he was alright. He was always snapping at Cap, Munch, and Fin for no reason. He was sure they probably assumed it was because Liv was still undercover. He suspected that they knew of his feelings for her. He was surprised that Liv didn't know. Sometimes he thought he would die from how obvious it was that he loved her.
It was still amazing to him the depths of his feelings for her. He thought he might have loved her since the first time he'd laid eyes on her. He wondered if she was missing him as much as he was her. He just wished he could let her know he loved her and he was sorry for what he had said that hurt her. In all the years of fights with Kathy, he had never been affected like this. He had only ever felt like this when he fought with Liv. He hated the fact that he had made her so damn upset. He just hoped she hadn't cried. He loathed himself when he made her cry. He knew she still might have cried when she had left the precinct that night. He hoped she hadn't. She wouldn't have wanted to in front of him. They hardly ever showed weakness in front of each other. He wondered why that was, since she was the only one he ever wanted to show his weaknesses to.
Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All by Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before
it gets better but I'll never get over you by hidin' this way, oh
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought being strong meant never losing your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
to hell with my pride let it fall like rain from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry
Elliot put his beer down and buried his head into his hands. He missed her so much. Tears began to fall from his eyes, and he let them come. He missed her more than he had ever missed anyone else in his life. He let it all out, not caring that all his life he had been told that only pansies cried. Tonight, he was missing a piece of his soul. He'd been broken before Olivia had left, but now, he feared he was shattered beyond repair. He knew he would be until Olivia came back to him.
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being strong meant never losing your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
to hell with my pride let it fall like rain from my eyes
tonight I wanna cry.
Author's note: OK, there you go. My El songfic. I promise I'll get the first chapter of that sequel out, too. Ya'll know the one. In the meantime, shoot me a review of this! Lol.