I didn't know what to do. Not anymore. I thought I had an idea of how to handle this. That's why I was here, wasn't it? To make this an equal affair? I don't know anymore. After everything, I'm second guessing all of this. It's not that I don't want it, I do, but, does she?
This wasn't the first time we met like this. It's happened every now and then. She'd come find me while I was on watch, one look from her, and I'd know what she wanted, what she was there for. I never resisted. I wanted it too, but I never thought about it with her. Not the first time anyway.
The first time, we had just docked on an island in the middle of the night. I was suppose to be on watch and was told to make camp on the shore by myself. I didn't mind, peaceful sleep in the sand with the calming waves to help lul me to sleep, what more could I want? Then she showed me what I could want. Even far enough away from the ship, I could hear her wander around on deck. I figured it was just another restless night for her. She found me on shore, and opted to join me. I still had no idea what she was doing, she looked as calm as ever, as innocent as ever. She just sat next to me, staring off into horizon, watching the water meet the sky. I was just going to ignore her, knowing fairly well we never needed to talk. That was when I was wrong.
I found myself interlocked with her after awhile. I don't even know how it happened, but I know she had to of started it. We filled each other with such a strange passion and we returned it with all that we could. I remember us laying in the sand after, still entangled with each other. She just let out a soft sigh with a sad smile before she got up and left. She left me lying there, not knowing what this meant or what I should make of it.
That's when it all started, she never left my mind. I had my entire head plagued by the thought of her. I found myself looking forward to my watch, not for just the alone time it promised me but for the off chance that she'd join me once more. She would always be the one to come look for me and she would be the one to leave. I told myself, I was just the logical choice to her. She must not be looking for any attachments or extra emotions that come along with anyone else. I accepted that much. So, I just went along with it. Trying to find a way to keep myself detached as well.
But then, what was I doing here now? Why did I finally feel the need to seek her out? Was it just to regain some control over this? Did I really need to show her that I wanted to have some control too? No, that's just an excuse. I failed. I wanted to stay away from things like this. She wanted to avoid this. That's why she came to me in the first place. I can't ruin this for her, I have to save myself as well as her. This isn't good, for either of us. I got attached, I, I fell in love with her. Not just this, but with her. After it had all happened, I had watched her. Learning every quirk about her. Telling myself I was just making sure this wasn't going to effect us as a crew. No, I was watching her for my own musings. I loved her. Her smile, the way it seemed effortless and so natural now suited her. Her hair and her skin, always so soft and smelling of a garden. Then it was those eyes, I guessed those were what did me in. Her eyes spoke of untold emotions and feelings, screaming at me. Telling me that she couldn't fnd the strength to completely give in to this. At least, that's what I wanted to say I saw. I could have misread her lonelyness and lust as the emotions I must have been experiencing.
This, this was over. This would be the last time I would let this happen. If she came and sought me out again, I would have to refuse. I couldn't do this to the crew, to her. I'm gonna be the one to leave. I went and found her this time, it's only fair I leave this time too.
"Please, stay..." I heard her whisper. She whispered to me. Even all of the other times we explored each other. We never said a word. Not one. I looked back down at her as she still seemed to be asking me to stay. Her hand ghosting around my neck and pulling me back to her. I was leaning over her, staring into those damned blue eyes. She stared back. All could see were the emotions that I wanted to see. I couldn't do this this.
"Hm, I'm sorry, I'm being selfish. You can go if you wish." It was right there. Where I saw her eyes change, no longer looking as if she was staring into her lover but now just filled with pain and the same lonelyness I remember from years ago. I felt her arms start to slide off of me, no longer holding me close, no longer keeping me there. I missed them already. I pressed myself into her. Forcing my lips upon hers.
"I've wanted to stay for so long now." I told her. It was as much of a revalation to me as it was to her. Now I know, what I could see from her eyes, was exactly what I wanted and it was exactly what she wanted as well.
"I-I" I kept her from speaking with another kiss. I was going to say it first, I felt I needed to do that much.
"I love you, Robin."