by crystal tiara
Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yuugi; Yuu Watase does.
There were no tears shed the day she died.
When he saw her fall limply to the ground, a bittersweet "I love you" escaping from her lips, he gazed in horror, the gruesome scenario reflected in his clear blue eyes. She was dying in front of him, and once again, there was nothing he could do about it. Never had he expected her to sacrifice her life so that he could live. But then again, knowing her devotion, it wasn't such an impossible feat.
He learned not to cry a long time ago. Crying never made anything better; they never made the pain go away. It was a lesson he learned a long time ago, when his mother died in front of him. He remembered her face, contorted in an expression of agony and shock, and him crying out, cursing the heavens and the gods for his fate. But it was no use. Even if he had cried an ocean of tears, it wasn't going to bring her back to life. She was gone, and with her, his boyish innocence had passed away as well.
And now Soi had left him too. Taken away by death... and again, because of him. A part of him had also died with her, leaving nothing but an empty shell of a man. There was nothing left now, now that everyone who had meant something to him were all dead. Whatever chances he had for redemption were no more. He was too far gone; there was no turning back.
Nakago looked at Soi, whom he held in his arms. There was no denying that she was beautiful. Her slender body was light, and her auburn hair flowed freely past her shoulders. Even in death, she looked ever so serene, as if she was sleeping. As if she was willing to accept her fate, he thought bitterly. How well he remembered her final words.
My final service to you...
So death was nothing for her, if only to protect the one she truly loved. In the end, her intense devotion to him was what caused her downfall. But why she chose to love him was something beyond his comprehension. There was nothing to love about him, and yet she, with her innately good heart, managed to find something. Something to hold on to; something to love. And yet he constantly rejected her love for him, continuing to search for that which he could not have-- his ultimate satisfaction. In his lust for power he had ignored her, rejected her, denied his feelings for her, and even took advantage of her feelings for him.
How ironic it was that in the end, he realized that he did love her, perhaps even more than she had ever known. She was gone but certainly not forgotten. Even in his dreams, images of her death continued to haunt him, like an eerie shadow that would continue to follow him and arouse his guilt.
"You were the last person I ever loved," he said, to no one in particular. He wondered if she could hear him now, if she was watching him from wherever she was now. Please come back, he wanted to cry out, but he knew it was futile. Perhaps he'd meet her again only after he breathed his last... and even then, he wasn't quite sure he believed in an afterlife.
He held on to her tightly, like a scared, helpless child protectively holding on to his favorite toy. Soon, he knew, he was going to have to lay her to rest. To her burial grounds, where she could finally rest in blissful sleep, where she'd never have to feel the pain of unrequited love. There was a burning sensation in his eyes, and he knew that any time now, the tears would fall. He held them back, fighting the urge. Boys don't cry. Men don't cry. Crying won't bring her back to life. Crying only makes you look weak. He had drilled these thoughts over and over again in his head ever since his mother passed away. Since then, he had never shed a tear. Never, because no one was there to listen. No one ever told him to cry his heart out, and no one was there to listen to his pent-up emotions.
His parents had gone. Taria was gone. Just recently, Soi was gone, too. There was no one left to care for him, and there would never be.
But still he shed silent tears for his lover, and for a fallen warrior long dead inside.
Author's Notes: Yet another fic about my favorite FY pairing. I find Soi and Nakago's relationship to be tragic, beautiful and intriguing at the same time. I love writing about them, and going in-depth into their feelings about each other, which is probably why I have written quite a number of fanfics about them. I was inspired to write this after---believe me---watching last week's episode of "American Idol". Reviews and constructive criticism would be much appreciated.