Days come and go, it´s hard to describe the feeling of emptiness when your life drifts away…when there´s nothing there to keep you going. When you silently feel anxious just to get out of people´s reach but, at the same time, you crave that closeness to somebody…anybody.
It´s hard to hate someone you love to the bottom of your heart, but when it happens, it´s hard to continue looking forward to that person, to enjoy the little laughs you share with them, the smiles and stares…everything´s hard.
Sometimes you don't have another option; sometimes you just need an escape…one cut…two cuts…one burn…two burns…one scratch…you see the pain you cause in your skin, you treasure it, you yearn for for it…you want it. Every day is harder to just forget about it, to not feel the ache, to not see the scars, to not feel the mock of life for being so weak…to not want to hurt your body only because you don't have enough strength to endure the everyday life.
You hate what´s happening to you, you don't think you should feel this way because your life seems perfect…a family that loves you, friends that support you, a school you love, success in ways some can only imagine…but for you that´s not enough because you look for a little extra…you don't need a loving family, you need a family that takes interest in your life, that cares enough to ask if something´s wrong when on the inside your shouting for help…you don't need friends that support every decision you make, you need friends to slap you in the face and tell you what are you doing wrong, not tell you how great you are because honestly, you don't believe a shit they say…school…that never helps…and when the greatest success of your life seems like your greatest failure, that makes you ashamed of having accomplished it in the first place…then you might be lost…then you need help, you might want to run away and cry in a corner, never get out of than comfy dark spot because it´s too painful to endure the light, the happiness that seems to shine in everywhere but yourself…but you have to suck it up and act like a man because in this shitty world, no one will notice others grieves.
I´m rambling this because I have nowhere else to go and I needed it out of my system, out of me because every single day I scare myself even more, one day I´m happy, thinking that I can do this, that I´m great…but two words are the only thing needed to get you back in the hole, deeper each time because you´re losing strength, losing the will to keep going…
I blinked fast trying to stop the tears that rolled down my cheeks as my hands clenched the small sheet I had between them hating that piece of papter…I couldn't keep reading. I felt my soul agonizing, screaming, aching…I didn't know any of this, for me James was a happy soul, the smiling best friend that followed me sense we were in pewee hockey. He was the ladies man, always helping us around not caring if he ended up without a date to the prom if one of us asked him for help. Not caring if his hair was messed up in one of my stupid plans because it was the four of us against the world, having fun and hanging out. I let out a quiet sob looking up and the black coffin in the center of the room. A tall figure rested inside, my best friend, the closest of them all even if you couldn't see that in plain sight. I was sitting on the front bench reading that stupid letter over and over again, he had let it all out on a stupid paper instead of talking to any of us…I wanted to be pissed at him, to yell at him asking him why, but he had answer that already…he wanted us to see him hurting, he wanted us to ask him what was wrong, to prove him that we really knew him, to just notice everything that he was going though. Passing a hand through my face I cleaned some of my tears freezing when I saw his father walking to the coffin ready to close it, Ms. Diamond started screaming no, that she was not ready to say farewell to her son in a way that made my insides crumble and released a shiver down my back…this was it, if I didn't man up to at least say good bye I wouldn't forgive myself.
"Wait…please" I spoke in a weak voice, thankfully Mr. Diamond was watching me, like he knew that it was just a mater of time before I spoke, he nodded and walked back to hug his wife…and to think of the thousand times James had told me that he wished his parents would get along, now they were united, all thanks to the death of their son…I wanted to snap at them and let them know how stupid they were for not putting aside their differences for James' sake when he was alive, but I wanted to see him, so I shut my lips and stood up walking slowly to the black box that contained what was left of my friend.
Once my eyes saw his pale face and his suited body I felt my knees grow weaker, I raised my eyes to the sky asking whoever that was up there to give me strength. I let air inside my lungs before letting myself see him again. He had a calm expression, like he was just sleeping, but his dry and blueish lips told the truth about the state of his body. I raised one hand taking his right one between my fingers, his skin was cold and so unfamiliar that sent a shock of sorrow through my being. I sniffed lifting his sleeve only to see the stitches, the scars…his escape marks. Only now, that I felt pain overcome my entire being I could understand how physical pain had become appealing to him after certain point, right now I wanted to get into a fight, feel the punches and the rage that came with it…maybe that was my escape. I bit my lip hearing his mothers words all over again, he hadn't just cut his arms, but his legs as well, hiding the cuts from everyone, there was even a scratch on the side of his face…in his letter he spoke of loosing control, maybe that was what he meant, scaring his beautiful face in a anxiety attack. I let my hand move up to cup his cheek, I caressed it before ducking my head until my lips were just beside his ears.
"I'm sorry, for never noticing how lost you were… for never looking past my fucking nose" I saw how my tears soaked the pillow under his head but I didn't care "You were my best friend and you drifted through my fingers without me knowing…I'm s-sorry J-James" my voice broke and I knew that I wouldn't be able to stop the tears now, shaking I lifted my head until my forehead rested on his "I love you" I spoke softly before placing a chaste kiss on his forehead feeling two pairs of hands pulling me back, Carlos and Logan probably knew that I was about to crumble. We took a couple of steps back and my eyes widen when Mr. Diamond finally closed the coffin and the realization that I wouldn't see James' face again hit me so hard that my legs gave in "No! James! No!" I screamed against Carlos' shoulder who was hardly supporting me. My chest tighten making breathing the hardest task, I was drowning and I didn't know if I could make it back up.
"Kendall! Kendall!" started Logan's voice shaking me, trying to get me back somehow…now I was on my knees, my friends shaking me in fear, looking at me with wide teary eyes "Please man! Breathe!" my vision began to dot until a strong slap from Carlos' hand made me gasp for air, I started coughing letting my face hit the ground letting my sobs as the only reminder that I was still alive when the only thing I wanted was to turn back time and notice.
Humm I have no idea where this came from…but I like it, and sense I will take a writing spree tomorrow I wanted to upload it now lol
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