all the ways i could love you

by Writing-Fantasy

moments between them that say it all. Love tropes shared between two best friends over time. Normal high-school AU (alternatively known as: an excuse for me to write kaito 'n' maki love tropes nd rated T for thirst Miu's cameo)

i really just write on ao3 now 'n' wattpad sometimes but u know what, here u go. have some of my sweet sweet ndrv3 fanfiction because kaimaki has devoured my heart and theyre my softest comfort ship ever. also this website lacks the dr content it deserves, so here's a present from me to u.

please leave me a nice 'n' heartfelt comment or maybe a bit of criticism (unless that criticism is actually kaimaki hate 'm gonna delete it if it is man i love them 'n' i write abt them for comfort cut me some fuckin slack)

anyways, if for some reason u dont understand the japanese terms, they r explained at the end of the fic.

warnings: language, sexual references and situations, miu's dirty mouth and dares, maki and kaito want to bone one another (theyre horny teenagers let them bE)

also, two more warnings.

1. This was a self-indulge fic. i wrote it bcus kaimaki is my comfort ship n when im sad i like to write abt them. it's incredibly sappy but thats kinda the point bcus i needed some fluff in my life.

2. there are TWO ENDINGS. One is happy one is sad. u can chose which one you want to be canon.

that's all. enjoy this fuck fest.

---

[1. my eyes are heavy but im listening]

"Harukawa," a voice murmurs. Someone gently touches her shoulder and shakes it softly. "Hey, Harumaki."

Her eyes open slowly and she blinks awake. Her eyelids feel heavy—all of her feels heavy—and her hand moves to rub at her eyes.

There's someone in front of her and she studies them closer.

Oh, her mind supplies, It's Kaito.

He smiles down at her and it's warm and endearing. Not his excited grin, rather a gentle and soft look of fondness. Maki doesn't quite pick up on it, she's still too tired.

"You're really outta it, huh?" he muses, crouching beside her desk so he can look at her better. Her hair slips over her shoulder, not in their normal ponytails. She'd been in a rush to get to school as she'd ended up over-sleeping. Since no one at the orphanage is her age, she has to get up on her own and if she doesn't wake up on time there's no one else who will. One of the cons to it all, really.

"I was... Up late," she mutters back, rubbing her eyes some more. She feels Kaito's hand push several strands of hair back behind her ear, fingers lingering around her cheeks. She nearly leans into his touch but he pulls away before she can.

"I noticed. Trust me. You fell asleep on me after all," he chuckles, gesturing around.

The class is gone. Oh, right. They'd stayed after school so she could tutor him.

"...Sumimasen," she replies, straightening up with realization. "I... Hadn't meant to—"

"It's alright," he assures, rubbing the back of his neck. "You were really tired, I shouldn't have bugged you to stay and tutor me."

"No," she mumbles, shaking her head. "I stayed because I wanted to help you."

Kaito pauses for a moment, thinking of her answer before smiling again. "Thanks, then. Still, gomen, for pushing you into it."

"I'm up now," she replies, glancing out the window. "So if you're still..."

"It's late," he states, shrugging. "We can study another time, you know? 'Sides I don't really want to push you anymore. Go home and rest, okay?"

After a second of contemplation, she nods. As she slowly stands up, Maki grabs her gakusei kaban off the side of her desk and Kaito waits by the door. Together the two walk out of the school, side by side.

[2. rock me to sleep; as long as im by your side]

Maki feels the sway of the train and says nothing. In her lap, she studies her English textbook. Tucked next to her rests a bag of food, reserved for their best friend Shuuichi, who is at home, sick.

He had asked for the notes and Maki doesn't mind coming over to let him copy them down. It'd give her an excuse to leave the orphanage for a bit. And of course, visiting Shuuichi instantly rouses Kaito to join her. Although, for being terribly enthusiastic about it earlier, he has mellowed out. Beside her, Kaito's eyes blink tiredly and he yawns, lifting a hand to cover his mouth as he does so.

He wipes away a tear and blinks some more, the relaxing sway of the train causing him to lean towards Maki. He succumbs to sleep rather easily, and his head falls to rest on Maki's shoulder.

She tenses, face flustering. She turns towards him, hissing.

"Idiot, what are you doing?" she growls. He jolts awake at her aggression but is still notably sleepy. "Do you want to die?"

"G'men," he slurs, rubbing his eyes and straightening up. "Jus'... Tired."

Maki watches him for a second, cheeks still pink. He's too exhausted to really notice. Slowly she turns back to her textbook, ignoring how cute her companion looks when he is tired.

It's not long before he falls back asleep, unable to keep his eyes open, and his head comes to rest on Maki's shoulder once more.

This time she doesn't snap at him, although she does still flinch at the contact. He doesn't awaken. Hesitantly she glances at him, watching him rest soundly against her. He breathes in through his mouth and exhales hot air against her neck. Maki's face softens up considerably and she slowly reaches over, fingers trailing his messy bangs. Then she pulls back her hand as if it has been lit aflame.

Her cheeks fluster more but she lets Kaito rest against her. She tries to focus back on her studying, but his mere presence so close distracts her. Eventually, all she does is stare at her textbook, terribly aware of how close he is.

Their destination is ten more minutes away.

She rests her head against his and closes her eyes.

[3. beneath the darkened clouds we stand]

"You don't have an umbrella?" Maki questions, tilting her head. Her voice lacks any emotion, nothing but an apathetic statement.

"No," grumbles Kaito, glaring into the rain. "I left it at home 'cause it wasn't raining when I left to get to the train station."

Maki gestures to her own. "We can share mine," she offers, lifting it up to show it off more obviously.

He pauses, staring at her. "Don't you live in the opposite direction of the station?"

"I need to go buy some groceries for the Orphanage," she replies. It's not entirely a lie and although she certainly would've liked to go put her stuff back first, helping out Kaito is higher on her priority list.

He nods, and Maki opens her umbrella before them. It's plain red, one of the orphanage's, but that's not important at the moment.

The two cramp beneath it, shoulders pressed together, faces close. Beside him, she is warm. Quietly they brave the storm together. Rain soaks her socks and shoes but being by Kaito makes it worth it.

He chatters on and on about pointless subjects and even though she rolls her eyes and tells him such topics are stupid she listens intently.

They reach the station too soon for her tastes and Kaito thanks her before running off to catch the train home. For a moment she stands beneath her umbrella in the rain and wishes he could stay so close to her, just like he was underneath the umbrella.

She savors the warmth he left and makes her way to the market.

[4. drenched to the bone but as long as you're near; don't slip away]

It's raining again and Maki doesn't have her umbrella.

Together Kaito and Maki stand underneath the cover of the school.

"We still gonna go to your place to study?" he clarifies, glancing towards her. She turns her gaze to him, watching him stare into the rain. For a second she allows herself to admire him.

"Yes, if that's what you're still up for," she replies, glancing back to the pouring rain outside.

"So let's just run then, eh?" he states, grinning wildly. She wants to point out he shouldn't strain himself, he's sick after all, but he bolts out of the cover before she can stop him. With an exasperated sigh, she bolts out after him, feeling the rain pelt at her face in a torrent. She catches up to Kaito rather easily, who has taken off his jacket to use as a makeshift umbrella. He beckons her over and they slide together beneath it, running in unison.

Wordlessly they seem to agree to take a break beneath a bus stop. Splashing through puddles they run to its shelter. Immediately Kaito collapses onto one of the benches while Maki leans against the side, looking into the rain. She's breathing a bit heavy but otherwise smiling. Doing something so mundane as running from the rain is fun when she's with Kaito.

Her thoughts are cut short when she hears him begin to cough brutally. she turns towards him just in time to see him hack up blood. Her heart clenches and she steps towards him.

Breathing harshly, clearly struggling to gasp for air, he looks up at her. He tries to muster up a smile but the look in his eyes is miserable. Maki sits beside him, hand cupping his jaw and thumb wiping the blood off his chin and bottom lip. She curses herself for not having stopped him and warned him about straining himself.

He wipes off the remainder of the blood on his pant leg as his breathing begins to steady out.

"I thought you said you were getting treated," she exclaims, not even a question. She knows he's getting treated, seen it with her own eyes, but every time he coughs blood her heart lurches with disbelief. Sometimes it feels like he's never getting any better.

Her eyes flicker to his, sharp. She's terrified at the idea of losing him.

"I am," he grumbles, voice raspy from coughing his lungs up. "I still have the symptoms though, they don't just go away like that."

She nods after a second, body tense. Slowly she curls up beside him, letting him rest his head on her shoulder, breathing heavy still.

"Don't worry 'bout it, okay? This sickness isn't gonna defeat the great and mighty Momota Kaito!" he laughs but ends up cringing with pain when his lungs and throat burn from the enthusiastic cheer. Maki tenses up more, eyebrows furrowed together.

"...Sure, idiot. For now, let's just... Take a break from running through the rain," she suggests but her voice reveals none of the concern she feels.

The rain fills the momentary silence.

"...okay," Kaito murmurs after a second, leaning more into her.

On the bench, their fingers brush against one another. Maki resists the urge to take his hand and hold on forever.

[5. sweaty hand-holding is for awkward teenagers in love not childhood friends]

Kaito offers her his hand as they walk through the town and without thinking she takes it.

His hand is warm, fingers intertwined with her's and she thinks it's okay. They're best friends and have known each other forever, so there isn't an issue at all.

But she knows it's a bit more than that. The way she squeezes his hand before they walk across a crowded street and, out of habit, he does the same.

They've held hands before, it shouldn't bother her this time. From her side, she feels Kaede shooting them looks, staring blatantly at their connected hands. Kaede's going to bother her about it later and it's going to go the same way it always does.

You were holding hands with Momota-kun today! she'll squeal and her girlfriend Tsumugi will watch with sparkling eyes, ready to hear any interesting gossip. Spill, spill!

I always do, Akamatsu, Maki will point out, we're best friends and it's nothing new.

C'mon you held hands with him the whole time, you don't hold hands with anybody! Kaede will prod, elbowing Maki's side.

I hold hands with Saihara at school, Maki will remind her, I hold hands with Yumeno and the children at the orphanage.

But that's different, Kaede will pout.

It really isn't, Maki will retort, If I hold Saihara's hand, that doesn't mean I'm interested. If I hold Yumeno's hand, that doesn't mean I'm interested either. And I'm definitely not interested in anyone at the orphanage.

Kaede will pout more and huff, upset to have not gotten a full answer out of Maki, but will finally back off after that.

And now they stand side by side, holding hands again. It's colder than normal and neither are wearing gloves. She supposes holding hands benefits them both. Yes, it's nothing but a beneficial connection at the moment.

But when he squeezes her hand or when he tugs to lead her in a new direction towards the recently opened arcade. When he doesn't let go once they've arrived at the restaurant or when they sit side by side and still don't release one another, even once the food has come, Maki knows it isn't just one of those days where she holds his hand and he holds her's.

Eventually, they let go, just as they part ways. There's a slight pause as Kaito realizes this and hesitantly let's go of her palm. His fingers linger for a second before he fully pulls away. The cold air that rushes between her fingers as he does so leaves her feeling a bit empty.

"... See you tomorrow, Harumaki," he chirps, letting his hand fall to his side.

"See you," she replies, nodding her head. She waves at Shuuichi and Kaede who are just a bit behind Kaito. They nod back, but their eyes are telling.

Maki's hand, still warm from Kaito's touch, clenches to a fist. Like that day in the rain, she savors the warmth again.

[6. say my name again]

It slips out of her.

"Kaito,"

He turns toward her with wide eyes, jaw-dropping open a bit. She flusters, glancing around nervously before narrowing her eyes in a sort of halfhearted, anxious glare.

"What?" she growls, trying to control the burning of her cheeks. "Don't just sit there, idiot,"

"Say it again," he murmurs and she raises a brow.

"What?" she repeats, this time more dumbfound than hostile.

"Say my name again," he pleads. She blinks, a bit bewildered.

"...Momota...?"

He deflates, pouting. "No, my real name! C'mon, say it again!"

It is then that she realizes her original slip up. She straightens up, flustering again.

"Momota, this is stupid, we're here to study, not spend time on insignificant things," she grumbles, settling into her desk and pulling out her textbook.

"Maki," he whispers and she jolts, dropping the textbook in shock. He chuckles at her reaction and she struggles to recover from her surprise. She glances back up at him, glaring sharply as he props up his elbow on his desk, resting his face in his palm and watching her with amusement clear in his eyes.

She flusters more and averts her gaze, puffing out her cheeks to draw attention away from their reddening complexion.

"D-do you want to die? Wh... Wha—"

"Maki," he repeats, ignoring her. She lifts her head, scowling at him, unable to keep the crimson blush from arising on her cheeks. "Maki, say my name again, please?"

"...Idiot," she mutters, flipping through her textbook and notebook for the history section. For being such an idiot, Momota Kaito is actually incredibly intelligent. Perhaps not very perceptive, but smart, although history and literature seem to be his weakness.

"Maki~!" he singsongs, chuckling as her cheeks redden even more. "C'mon, we've known each other since the first year of junior high school!"

When it seems like she won't say anything at all she quietly utters back. "...Kaito,"

He straightens up, beaming but unable to keep the fluster off his cheeks as well.

"Again!" he laughs, placing his chin back onto his palm, elbow propped up on the desk once more.

"...Kaito," she parrots, hiding her face behind her two ponytails as her blush grows tenfold. "Kaito."

His hand reaches out and tugs her hair from her face. If her cheeks could glow any redder, they would. He smiles at her again.

"Don't be embarrassed," he chuckles, "I like it when you say my name."

I like it when you say my name, too, a little part of her whispers. It doesn't come out like that, though.

"Idiot," she mutters.

"But I like calling you by your nickname a lot more," he informs her, watching her. "Haru-maki," he sounds out.

"Thanks," she grumbles sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "I love being named after food of all things."

"You should," Kaito snorts, "You're own lil' name I gave you. it's special y'know? I don't go around giving others nicknames!" He snickers after a moment. "Unless you'd rather be called sidekick?"

"Whatever, Momota," she huffs, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear as she talks and ignoring his little tease. "let's just get back to—"

"Kaito," he corrects, "I said I liked it when you call me that, didn't I? No more Momota formal bullshit. Kaito."

"...Kaito," she rephrases, "Let's just get back to studying,"

"Alright, Harumaki!" he states, swinging forward to pay attention.

His name like honey on the tip of her tongue, she says it again.

" Kaito."

[7. late night conversations whisper in my ears]

Her phone goes off at twelve in the morning. She's already awake, finishing up her school project. A pro for being the eldest in the orphanage is her own room, so she has all the privacy in the world (she gets the feeling the only true reason she has a room is because she's practically one of the caretakers at this point, but that's off-topic). She isn't surprised to see the caller ID is Kaito. It's Saturday night, and Kaito is bound to be up late.

"Moshi moshi," she answers emotionlessly, no pleasant tinge in her voice.

"Harumaki," replies Kaito, "You still up?"

"Idiot," she grumbles, "I wouldn't have answered if I wasn't."

There's a pause of silence.

"What do you want?" she hisses, pressing the phone against her shoulder with her head so she can work while she talks to him.

"I'm out star-gazing," he explains, "and I just wanted someone to talk to while I did."

"Why not Saihara?" she murmurs back, quickly erasing a phrase on her final document and re-writing it with neater kanji.

"He's gotta finish a project," he states. Then he pauses. "Do you gotta finish a project, too?"

She stares at the paper, biting her lip. Slowly she lowers her pencil, curling up in her chair and holding the phone to her ear.

"...No," she fibs, "I finished a while ago. I can... Go over the details tomorrow. What did you want to talk about?"

He whistles through the phone. On his end, he stares into the sky, stars lighting the night. He lives on the outskirts of the town with his grandparents. On the roof of their house, he can see each star glow.

"Is it okay if I just... Rant?" he asks.

"Yes, Kaito, that's fine," she replies with a huff, hugging her legs to her chest and resting her chin on her knees.

"Goddamn I can't wait to be an astronaut," he rambles, "The stars are so fuckin' beautiful and space is so goddamn vast I just want to explore it all."

"Is that so?" she muses quietly into the phone, standing from her chair. She makes her way over to the single window she has, looking out into the night sky. "You've told me all that before, you know?"

"I know," Kaito whispers back, and his breath sends wisps of mist into the night sky. "You live closer to the city, so you can't see the stars that well. You have to come here one day, Harumaki, stay the night and watch the stars."

With you? stays lodged in her throat.

"One day," she replies dully, staring into her own starless sky. "Maybe one day."

"No, not maybe," he interjects, "You will. I'll show you the stars I swear. Have you ever seen 'em, outside of the town?"

"...When I take the kids out to the shrine on the outskirts during new years, sometimes I catch a glimpse of them," she admits, closing her eyes as she tries to remember. "And that time we slept over at Saihara's house in middle-school, I saw them then too."

"Way too little, Harumaki," he laughs into his phone. "You need to see them in their glory, look into the sky and think 'Holy fuck, space is so beautiful,'" he exclaims.

"Just like you?" she snorts, "I'll pass."

"Everyone thinks of space differently," Kaito states, "But everyone loves it."

"Hmm..."

There are a few moments of silence. "What about you, Harumaki?"

"What about me?" she presses, frowning.

"Y'know... What do you wanna go into? Like you know I wanna be an astronaut, but what about you?"

Maki shrugs to no one. "I... don't know," she states quietly, "I'm... An orphan, one nobody even wanted anyway, what do I really have? Guess I'll just... Do whatever is available to me."

"Whoa, don't give up so easily!" Kaito scolds through the phone. "You can't just resign out of your destiny 'cause of some shitty excuse like 'I'm an orphan'."

She snorts. "It's true though," she muses bitterly, "I don't have any money to pay for tuition, my grades aren't outstanding and I've never really... Had a dream for the future. I guess I thought surviving was enough."

Silence.

"Then I'm gonna make it my job to help find you a dream!" Kaito shouts and Maki jolts, tossing her phone about in surprise at his sudden raise of voice.

"Idiot," she snaps, "Lower your voice."

"Oh, right, my bad. Still, I'm helping you find a dream, got that, Harumaki?" He demands, sounding excited. "Got any ideas?"

She shrugs again, flopping onto her uncomfortable bed. "No," she huffs, closing her eyes. "I guess I wouldn't mind working with either Saihara or you in the future."

"...You wanna be an astronaut too?!" he squeals.

"No, dolt," she snarls but immediately softens up. "I just meant I'd be... More comfortable... Happier, you know..." she pauses, flustering. "...Beside you."

There's a moment of silence. On the other end of the line Kaito's breath has hitched as he stares into the sky and he can practically see her, long hair and red eyes and beautiful, rare smile, holding a hand out for him and they are together and happy in a future pictured within the stars.

"O-or Saihara," swiftly adds Maki, realizing her mistake.

The image shatters and Kaito recoils away. She hadn't it meant it like that. Besides, they're best friends, not lovers, he doesn't even see her that way.

...

right?

"H-ha, yeah, I uh, I figured," he stammers, trying to shoo away the image of Maki by his side but for some reason, it sticks. His stomach is twisting, why is his heart beating so loudly? Why does he like the idea of Maki by his side in the future so much? "It would, uh, It'd still be pretty cool if you were an astronaut too, though," he laughs. "We'd be up in the stars together, wouldn't that be super awesome?"

"...I suppose," she murmurs, staring at the ceiling. "If it's as beautiful as you say."

"Of course it is! Do you need a comparison or something?" he shoots back. "I'll have you know space is just as beautiful as yo—" he chokes on his own words before he can idiotically blurt it out. "—oooung rivers. In the spring. Young spring rivers." he covers up hastily.

On the other end of the line, Maki raises a brow. "Kaito, are you alright?"

"Fine," he laughs nervously. "Sorry, just uh, remembered that bullshit story Kokichi told us about in middle-school."

She frowns. "Which one?"

"The one about, uh, the little turtle men and everything? In the rivers?"

"Kappa," snorts Maki, "Kaito, you're talking about the Kappa."

"Oh, uh, right," he mumbles, breathing out a sigh of relief that she didn't notice.

"..."

"..."

"Kaito, I'm going to bed," Maki informs, "So goodnight."

"Oh, uh, yeah, sorry for keeping you up," he apologizes.

"It's fine," Maki murmurs. "You go to bed soon too, alright? You're already an idiot. A sick one too. Being a sick, sleep-deprived idiot is a terrible combination on your part."

"Hey," he whines but he picks up on the soft giggle Maki produces. Something about it makes his face grow hotter.

"Night, Kaito,"

"G'night, Harumaki. Sweet dreams."

She hangs up. After a moment of staring, she drops her phone beside her and buries her face in her blankets.

Idiot, she thinks, I know you were going to say 'you'.

She flusters, making a small noise from the back of her throat.

Space is just as beautiful as you.

Says the boy who loves space more than anything.

[8. your presence soothes me more than the swaying]

"Kami, Harukawa-chan, did you get any sleep at all last night?" Kaede asks, settling beside her.

Her friend looks like a wreck, Hair messily thrown into their normal two ponytails, shirt wrinkled, and one of her thigh-high socks is only pulled about half-way up her leg.

Kaito snorts. "That's what I asked,"

"The orphanage caretakers had to leave on important manners," Maki explains, pausing to yawn quietly into her hand. "One of the new kids had a nasty reaction to the tempura we had for dinner. Probably shrimp allergies. Being the oldest, I got stuck watching the kids while they took 'em to the hospital." She groans softly. "But they just wouldn't go to sleep. And the... The babies were crying the entire night."

She groans again, head bobbing. "I hate kids," she moans.

Kaito laughs at her, pinching her cheek.

"You're lying, you softie, you don't hate them that much." he chuckles and she bats his hand away weakly.

"You're right," she states, lacking any feeling. "I hate space-loving idiots like you much more."

Kaito chokes as the train begins moving, their destination called above on the announcements. They're on their way to Shuuichi's for a study group session although the amount they'll actually study is questionable.

"Harumaki, you don't mean that, do you?" he whines.

"I don't know," she snaps back, almost wearily. "Do I?"

Kaede snorts at their interactions. Offended, Kaito goes to playing a spaceship game on his phone, pouting all the while. On the other hand, Maki curls up into a little ball, legs tucked to her chest, resting her head on her knees.

The train sways back and forth like a silent lullaby. Maki's tired body follows it's movements and slowly she leans against Kaito. Since they had already been sitting close to one another, the warmth of his side pressed against her does nothing but further convince the irrational side of her to nap. However, Kaito flinches so violently that his phone falls straight out of his hand and clatters onto the train floor as her head bumps against his shoulder. Kaede laughs at him.

"O-oi, Harumaki, what are you...?!" He cuts off when he sees how sleepy she is.

She pulls away, muttering out a slurred apology, "S...Sumim'sen," she mumbles, eyes half-lidded. "'M just... tired."

He leans down and picks up his phone. "It's, uh, it's fine, you startled me is all."

"Sumim'sen," she repeats quietly. Shutting her eyes and leaning back. The train sways again and Maki's eyes flutter open and then shut once more as if she's trying to stay awake but is unable to resist the pull of her exhaustion.

"I thought you didn't like falling asleep on public transits," he mutters to her, tucking his phone away. Of course, it's more than that, Maki has horrible trust issues, the fact she's even actually showing she's tired is a bit of a feat itself. Maki shrugs halfheartedly.

"I trust you," she murmurs, "to make sure nothing bad happens. Even if you are an idiot." As she talks her words grow more halted. For a few moments she is awake, eyes barely open but slowly her eyes begin to shut and she leans back into her seat, chin tucked into her collarbone, asleep. She's pressed against him, if not a bit closer than before, but still maintaining a somewhat friendly distance.

The train takes a sudden curve, however, and she knocks into his shoulder, still sleeping soundly. Forgetting all about Kaede he reaches over to Maki, pulling gently on her shoulder and slowly laying her to rest her head in his lap and situated in a more comfortable position. She curls into him, rolling over so she can bury her face in his lower abdomen.

Kaede muffles her laughter beneath a hand at Kaito's flustering face. When he isn't looking she quietly takes a picture. He'll thank me later, she thinks smugly to herself.

With Maki cuddled into his lap he hesitantly rests a hand on her head, brushing her bangs away from her face. He softens, relaxing, smiling down at her fondly. Kaede suddenly feels like she's intruding on something terribly intimate.

The moment is ruined when Kaito turns away, coughing into his hand. Blood spills over his fingers but thankfully doesn't hit Maki.

Kaede turns to him, concerned. "Momota? You're..." Her eyes widen at the sight of blood.

"I'm getting treatment," he hastily informs, avoiding eye-contact. "Don't worry, I'll be fine."

Kaede stares at him, never having known about it in the first place. Her brain quickly makes the connection, If she didn't know then...

"Does... Does Harukawa-chan...?"

"She knows," Kaito affirms, digging through his pocket to find his handkerchief. Once he has it, he cleans off his hand and crumples it up, hiding it away again. He returns to looking at Maki but doesn't touch her as if his illness is a plague that might infect her.

"...She must be really worried then," Kaede whispers. "I, I mean I am too," she quickly adds, "it's just... Harukawa-chan cares a lot about you,"

"...I know," mumbles Kaito and slowly he lifts a hand to touch her cheek again, brushing some hair out of her face. "I know."

Kaede says nothing more and the two fall into silence.

When they arrive Kaito hesitantly wakes Maki up. Watching her rouse from her slumber is incredibly cute. He's done so before, back when she'd fallen asleep during their study session. Gradually Maki begins to truly awaken from her rest but, still exhausted, she holds onto one of Kaito's jacket sleeves and walks beside them, rubbing her eyes and yawning, occasionally knocking against him.

Eventually, Kaito takes her hand and together they walk to Shuuichi's house, side by side, peaceful.

[9. indirect kisses never meant much to me]

"Can I have a sip of your soda?" Kaito questions. Wordlessly she offers up her strawberry drink, watching him gulp down half of it. She hisses at him once he returns the bottle, practically empty. He smiles cheekily at her.

By their side, Tsumugi watches them, left eyebrow twitching.

The trio are waiting for Shuuichi and Kaede to return from the snack vendor as they've all gone to an outdoor movie and Kaito has just scarfed down almost all of the konpeitō candy. As of now, the sun is beginning to set, and once it finally falls over the horizon the movie will begin.

"...What?" Kaito asks after a minute of Tsumugi's obvious, bothered stare.

"...Y-you guys..." she gestures between them wildly. "Y-you just indirectly kissed, how aren't you bothered?!"

Maki and Kaito glance at each other, frowning. "From what, sharing a soda?"

"Uh, yeah?" points out Tsumugi, gesturing to the bottle. "S-she put her lips on it and then you put your lips on it—That's an indirect kiss!"

Maki shrugs. "I do this all the time with the kids at the orphanage, this isn't anything special," she states, eyebrows furrowed.

Tsumugi makes an inhuman noise, raking her fingers through her hair.

"Wha... What kind of normie bullshit is this?" she hisses to herself, adjusting her glasses and wrapping her arms around herself. "Th...this isn't like the animes at all..."

Kaito and Maki share a look. Kaito shrugs, turning away going back to eating his konpeitō candy.

Maki glances to the rim of her soda bottle. Indirect kiss, huh? Maki has never really considered these kinds of things. In fact, she feels that traditions like first kisses or losing your virginity to 'The one' or whatever other shitty expectation out there are overrated.

She'd lost her first kiss to Shizuku, a boy from her orphanage. He'd gotten adopted when she was thirteen, which was the year he'd kissed her so traditions like that have lost their value to her.

She wonders if Kaito knows about that, had she ever told him?

...Oh, why does it matter?

Maki lifts her soda and downs the rest of it, incredibly aware of the extra sugary kick she tastes off the bottle rim. A sugary kick that tastes of konpeitō candy.

She wonders what it would be like to directly kiss him, rather than settle for the comfort of an indirect reciprocation.

[10. and I would find a million excuses to be closer]

"Ugh," Shuuichi grumbles, glancing at his phone. However, as soon as he sees the caller ID he softens, a small blush flustering over his cheeks. "Hold on, it's Kiibo, I'm going to answer it."

Quickly their friend stands and darts down the stairs to Kaito's living room. His grandparents are out for the day and the three are holding their own little study session at Kaito's house. From their place in Kaito's room, they barely hear Shuuichi's voice until it is drowned by quiet.

Ignoring his departure, Maki continues finishing her homework dutifully, only to be distracted when Kaito throws a piece of konpeitō at her face. She huffs, glancing up at him. He smiles back at her brazenly, a piece of pocky sticking from his lips.

She rolls her eyes and returns to her work. But Kaito throws another piece of konpeitō at her.

"What do you want, Kaito?" she grumbles, glancing back up at him.

"I dunno, I'm bored is all," he answers, slumping over the table. Her eye twitches. Kaito has incredibly good grades, excelling in everything but literature and history he's already fluent in Russian and English. It pisses her off a bit.

"Good for you," she marvels viciously, turning back to her work.

"Oh c'mon, Harumaki, let's do something fun," he whines, eating the stick of pocky in his mouth.

"Saihara will be back any moment now, just do your work," she snaps, writing down another answer.

"It's Kiibo," snorts Kaito. "those two are going to talk for hours because they're such mush for each other."

"R.I.P Ouma," she mumbles under her breath. That boy could lie to everyone in the world and it'd still be plain as day to her on how smitten he is with Shuuichi.

"Ever since Kiibs moved those two talk for like, five hours every time they call each other. One time Shuuichi and I were hanging out and I still ended up getting third-wheeled 'cause Kiibo called in the middle of it," complains Kaito, opening another package of pocky.

"Those are Saihara's, you know that right?" she inquires, raising a brow. He shoots her a look that makes it seem like he's dying on the inside.

"I know. That's why I'm fuckin' eating it," he huffs, pouting. He's about to shove another one in his mouth when he pauses. "I know!" he chirps, "let's play the pocky game!"

"No," Maki coldly rejects without even looking up.

"Oh c'mon," he whines, tossing himself beside her. She spares him only a glance before returning to her work.

"Do you want to die?" Maki retorts, rolling her eyes, "It's a stupid game that school-girls play to kiss their love-interests in Shirogane-san's childish shoujo anime."

"I think you're just scared," taunts Kaito. She glares at him. "'Cause you're running away. Afraid you can't handle me?" he laughs.

"...If I say yes, will you let me do my work in peace afterward?" she growls, narrowing her eyes. He nods enthusiastically.

"I swear!" he promises, beaming.

Internally, her heart is thrumming a million miles per hour.

"Fine," she grumbles, scooting over to him. "But only once. And if you bother me again I'll kill you."

"Okay, just once, promise," he assures, pulling out the pocky. "Strawberry or chocolate?"

"Just pick one," she hisses, crossing her arms. He settles for the traditional chocolate and balances the chocolate part on his lips.

Wordlessly she leans in and takes the other edge, holding it between her teeth like it could plague her with a disease.

Slowly the two nibble away at the treat. As this happens, Maki is forced to scoot closer, balancing herself along his knee. Eventually, they are so close that their lips are almost touching. Maki can feel his breath on her lips. With an inaudible gulp, she makes eye-contact with him.

Red meets purple. She may have never wanted to play this game but now she wants to kiss him, grab his jaw and tug him forward until they melt against one another. But this isn't a shitty shoujo anime, and she doesn't have the guts to do that. During a game like this? Maybe, because they're just best friends messing around... Right?

And... And if she were to kiss him and he didn't like her that way she'd fall apart. Kaito and Shuuichi were the first people to reach out to her, to truly become her friends, if she'd lost that just for a shot at a romantic relationship, she'd never forgive herself.

Her face feels incredibly hot, she knows her eyebrows are furrowed. Kaito's cheeks aren't even flustered. Of course he's not flustered because to him this is messing around, he doesn't know about the feelings she's harboring, tucked into the folds of her heart.

His hands raise to her cheeks, holding her in place. He's incredibly warm and—

Abruptly Kaito jerks his head and the pocky between them snaps in two. He eats the remaining bit of his and laughs, beaming down at her.

"Got'cha!" he chuckles.

The pit of Maki's stomach drops. She scoots away but doesn't face him. Idiot. Idiot, Idiot, idiot.

Her face is incredibly red and she feels played. Why does she feel played? She'd agreed to it, in retrospect, she should've expected this. Maybe because now she can't pretend that by some slim chance he'd wanted to kiss her—Love her, even. Sure he's kind and sweet and funny and gentle with her but he's like that with everyone. In the end, she isn't anything special.

Ouch. That hurts a lot. Nothing special. Still the orphan no one wants, still the girl no one will ever love. That's a bit harsh but she supposes it's fitting. That or she's being a drama queen.

"Oi, Harumaki?" Kaito calls, concerned. "Sorry if I pissed you off, it was a joke! Of course I wasn't gonna kiss you."

That does not make her feel any better. In fact, it makes her feel a lot worse. She eats the rest of her pocky but turns back to her work, trying to pretend like nothing ever happened at all.

"Idiot," she hisses, but it lacks any bite and sounds meek.

"...I... Gomen, did I push you too far?" Kaito murmurs, leaning a bit closer. Maki shakes her head, practically burying herself in her notebook.

"...Haruma—?"

"Sorry I took so long guys," Shuuichi says, bursting back into the room. "Kiibo's coming to visit in a bit so we were making plans now and..." He pauses, glancing between Kaito and Maki with a frown. "Did I miss something?"

"Nothing," Maki states before Kaito can get a word in, managing to sound a lot calmer than she actually feels. Maybe that's because of the usual apathy in her voice.

"You sure?" Shuuichi asks again, glancing between the two.

"Momota was just trying to initiate a stupid game while I was working. Not a major issue you should be concerned about."

Something about her voice is sharp and tight. When was the last time she'd called him Momota? Shuuichi spares Kaito a concerned glance before settling down beside them, getting back to work.

Kaito stares at her a bit longer, watching her bangs brush the edge of her notebook, watching the furrow of her brows, the tense posture of her body and wonders if he did anything wrong.

In the back of their heads, the both of them wonder if there's really any way to get close without crossing the line.

[11. the future looms over us and i push you forward first]

Maki makes her way through the hospital corridors at six thirty p.m.

In her bag is Kaito's homework and a copy of her notes. She knows the way and steadily walks to room 237. She knocks first and quietly awaits an answer.

"C'mon in," a voice drawls from inside and Maki pushes the door open. Kaito watches her silently, sitting upright against the headboard of his bed. Her eyes soften when they land on him while he beams at her.

"H'rum'ki," he slurs tiredly and she approaches him quietly. He raises a hand and she wordlessly lets him take her own hand. His grip is weak and it tugs painfully at her heart. She's seen the effect chemotherapy has on him before, but it always hurts to see him so fragile.

She settles beside him, squeezing gently. He squeezes back and it's pitifully feeble.

"How are you?" she asks quietly, watching him. He shrugs and Maki reaches out, pushing some of his hair out of his face. Had it been any other circumstance she would've teased him for looking dorky in the head-cooling cap which helps keep the hair atop his head.

Speaking of his hair, it's down, no longer slathered with hair gel or stiffened with hair-spray. Deep purple falls over his face which is pale in comparison to its normal tan complexion. He looks almost frail.

"'M alright, tired, like I always am," he chuckles like it's funny but Maki knows he's only trying to brighten the mood.

"Your condition?" she presses, narrowing her eyes. Kaito shrugs again, avoiding eye-contact. "Kaito, your condition," she presses again, voice sharp. she doesn't mean to be aggressive, but in the end, she's terrified of the answer.

He remains silent, holding tightly to her hand. As tight as his weak hands can hold.

"They dunno," he finally informs. "They aren't sure if 'm gonna need surgery, or if the chemo's gonna take it out. They think if it doesn't get any better that 'm gonna need a transplant."

Everything inside Maki feels like it's on fire but at the same time frozen stiff. She stands up so suddenly that the bag crashes out of her lap. She startles Kaito but he calms down when she tugs him as close as possible into a hug. She buries her face into his neck, having somewhat clambered onto his hospital bed.

It's uncharacteristic of her to be openly affectionate but she's scared of losing him more than anything. There's more she wants to do with him, there's more she needs to tell him. They need to grow up together, even if he never loves her the way she loves him. The idea of him slipping through her fingers is a nightmare. The mere thought of him never achieving his dreams, or never growing old and living a happy life chills her to the bone because Kaito deserves that, perhaps more than anyone.

Shocked for a moment, Kaito wraps his arms back around her and they sit there in the stillness of the hospital room, the sound of his heart monitor echoing, a reassurance he isn't gone.

"...It'll be fine," Kaito murmurs into her hair, rocking them back and forth. "this lil' illness ain't gonna bring down Momota Kaito, Luminary of the stars."

"...Okay," she whispers into his shoulder. "Okay."

She clutches him harder. She feels one of his hands stroke her hair, still rocking them back and forth. She wonders how he can be so calm, the idea of him dying is the worst thing ever, but he's the one who would actually be dying. Is he trying to be the strong one, even in the face of his own death?

She pulls away just a bit to look at him. He smiles down at her tiredly, trying to reassure her.

Idiot, she thinks, stop that. It's okay to be weak.

"Get better soon then," she tells him, sparing a single glance to his tired eyes before burying herself closer. She wishes she could tear out her own lungs and give them to him if only to ensure his safety.

I love you rests quietly in her mouth, beneath her tongue, but it needs no saying today. Today it is quietly conveyed, it is there, lingering in each gentle touch, each silently whispered word and each moment spent close.

[12. ive got no parents to let you meet, i suppose the children substitute]

"Momota-nii-chan!" screeches Suzume, bolting over and clinging to his leg. Kaito laughs, leaning down and plucking her up into his arms with an enthusiastic greeting.

It only makes Suzume cheer louder.

The commotion catches the attention of several other children who shriek with joy, running over to crowd Kaito.

Maki sighs, rubbing her temple to ward off an oncoming headache. He's here to study, but the children love him so much they barely ever have time to even sit down. It takes locking them all out of her room to ever get anything done.

Yoshio, Mika, Takashi and several others run around Kaito, clinging to him in some shape or form. Unluckily for her, he's more than happy to let them.

"Kaito," she calls and everyone turns to her, eerily silent. "I'm going to put our stuff upstairs, alright?" she informs him and he offers her his gakusei kaban with a nod. She takes it and then turns to walk up the stairs to the second story, where her room is located.

She drops off their stuff as said, momentarily making sure her room is tidy enough for him to enter before turning back around to go save him from the crowd of children.

When she returns she finds everyone is gone, but a commotion sounds from the first-floor living room. With a sigh, she turns towards the aforementioned living room and marches on. The kids appear to be somewhat arguing over Kaito, who is seated at the table with Suzume. A decorative party hat has been placed on his head and a mismatched set of toy tea-cups lay before them, filled with what seems to be lemonade. Did Ms. Tooru give them that? Or did one of the older, middle-school kids retrieve that for them?

Well, Maki isn't going to scold them. What's done is done. They'll learn their lesson when there is no lemonade left for the rest of the week, although Maki gets the feeling they'd all take that consequence with the pay off of having Kaito's attention for a bit.

"Maki-nee-chan!" Cries Takashi, clapping his hands and smiling widely. He's missing two front teeth and Maki tries to beat away the fondness that wells beneath her ribs at his tiny smile.

"Yes?" she asks, walking closer. Kaito glances towards her and she snorts at the way he holds a tiny tea-cup, pinched between his index finger and thumb.

"Maki-nee-chan, Momota-nii-chan said he's gonna be 'n astronaut! 'N' that we can go to space together if I become one too!" Takashi exclaims, running up to her and tugging on her arm to lead her towards the rest of the children, settling around the table, all grappling for Kaito's attention.

"...Didn't you want to be a ballerina when you got older?" Maki questions after a moment, glancing down at the young boy. He flusters.

"Well yeah, but I could, y'know, be 'n' astronaut too. A ballerina astronaut! Tha's what 'm gonna be, 'kay, nee-chan?" Takashi informs, looking excited.

"...Alright, but Kaito and I need to go study now so—"

Without even finishing her sentence, whines erupts out of the children, all pouting.

"You can't do that!" Suzume cries, voice shrilly. Maki's eye twitches slightly but she remains cool-headed. "Momota-nii is gonna be my Tou-chan, you can't take my Tou-chan away!"

Maki nearly groans.

"No fair!" screams Mika, stomping her foot. "If Momota-nii is your tou-chan then he's my Tou-chan too!"

"No, you can't have 'em!" Suzume snarls, "He's my tou-chan! Mine!"

"Both of you, stop yelling," Maki demands, voice authoritative. Instantly the girls quiet down, both pouting and glaring at one another. "Kaito is not your Tou-chan because he's only in high-school. He can't be a dad."

"...Well, technically I could impreg—"

"If you want to keep your tongue, I suggest you shut your mouth before you finish that sentence," she warns, shooting him a look. If he says that word the kids will demand the meaning and she doesn't think she'd be capable of an explanation without having to give them 'The talk' first.

"If Momota-nii is our Tou-chan," pipes up Takashi with a thoughtful frown. He lights up after a second, pointing a finger up with his realization. "Does that make Maki-nee our Kaa-chan?"

Maki flinches, flustering in an instant. Kaito chokes and drops his little cup of tea which thankfully has little lemonade in it, so it only stains the left-thigh of his pants.

"Wha? Maki-nee as our Kaa-chan? Wouldn't that make her married to Momota-nii?" Mika asks, tilting her head. Well, single parents are a thing and so is divorce but that's the last thing on Maki's mind.

"What? Wait, no! Th-tha's not fair! I don't want Maki-nee to be married to Momota-nii, I wanna be married to Momota-nii!" Suzume wails, "No fair, no fair! I wanna marry Momota-nii!"

"Tha's great!" cheers Takashi, clapping his hands. "I have the best parents in the world!"

"Stop that," she demands to the children and they quiet down once more. "No, Kaito and I are not married, of all things, we're not your Kaa-chan or Tou-chan. Like I said, we're only in high-school—"

"Then are you dating?" Yoshio inquires, tilting his head. "'Cause Nonaka-nee said you and Momota-nii were..." He pauses, trying to recall the word. "'Intimate'."

Maki keeps in mind to throttle Nonaka, the third oldest child in the orphanage, being around thirteen years of age. She shouldn't be surprised, Nonaka is a devious child who likes to spread rumors no matter what the subject is. Maki feels her cheeks burn and, even though Kaito isn't facing her, she watches the back of his neck and ears turn bright red.

"Nonaka-chan was wrong. Kaito and I aren't dating, we're—"

"Then why do you spend all that time alone in your room together?" Mika asks. "Tenya-nii said tha's what lovers do 'n' all. That they do naughty, big kid stuff with each other."

That's it. Maki's going to throttle both Nonaka and Tenya. And after that, she'll throw herself off the school roof.

"Nooo," sobs Suzume, pounding a tiny fist on the table, crocodile tears streaming from her big, doe eyes. "I wanna marry Momota-nii."

"That's enough," Maki announces, shaking her head. She strides forward and hefts Kaito up by the back of his jacket so quickly that the decorative hat he has on tumbles off his head. "We are going to go study now. If you bother us I'll tell Tooru-san you're all being troublesome."

The kids let out another whine but nod, finally allowing her to drag him away from them. Every step up the stairs her embarrassment grows until they finally reach her room. She shoves him inside and shuts the door, locking it up so the children can't interrupt them while they're in here.

"...It's official," Maki states quietly, rubbing her temple as she leans against her door, sliding to the floor. "I hate kids."

"You love 'em," snorts Kaito. "You big softie, don't think I didn't see you get all mushy around Takashi,"

She puffs out her cheeks. "Idiot,"

"And they love you too, it's really cute," coos Kaito, crouching beside her and pinching her cheek.

"A terrible decision on their part, really," she grumbles, pushing his hand away, biting her lip with a pout.

"Harumaki, they're like eight," he points out.

"Exactly. They're eight and they make horrible decisions," She retorts, "Suzume wanted you to be her dad, and then decided she wanted to marry you."

"Oh c'mon, marrying me is not a bad decision," he huffs, crossing his arms. "I'd be a great husband, y'know? And, according to them, aren't we technically married?"

"Kaito," she warns again, narrowing her eyes on him.

"Momota Maki," he exclaims with a large smile, "It has a nice ring to it. Or Harukawa Kaito. Also nice."

Maki flusters at the idea of marrying him. Of taking his last name, or him taking her's. If they were married there'd be a wedding, wouldn't there? Maki bets he'd look good in a montsuki, or even a tux if they were to go western style and—

She snaps out of it, hissing at him and shoving him over. "Fool," she mutters, rolling her eyes and standing up. "No one's stupid enough to want to marry an idiot like you."

He squawks. "Hey, that's totally uncalled for!" he yelps, pouting as he watches her retrieve their stuff.

She snorts acting apathetic. Deep down, her heart is thrumming a million miles per hour.

Momota Maki, Harukawa Kaito.

She knows she's doomed.

[12. i wanna wake up beside you]

Kaito lays out the blanket on the roof and she sits a little ways away, watching. Beside her, Shuuichi texts someone on his phone frantically and she gets the feeling it's either Kiibo or Kokichi.

Once it's laid out he beckons them both. Shuuichi's still preoccupied with his phone so Maki moves forward first. She settles down and then turns her head back up to the sky, admiring the millions of light specks across the indigo night. The moon shies away, a waning crescent in the distance. There are few clouds which blend into the sky itself, otherwise, the night is clear.

"See, aren't the stars amazing Harumaki?" Kaito exclaims, staring up into the sky just like her.

She glances at him, watching the way the stars glitter in his eyes.

"...Yeah," she whispers back, turning to look up at the sky again. He scoots next to her pointing into the night excitedly.

"Look, you see any patterns?" he murmurs, eyes wildly scooping through the dark. He identifies many of the constellations at first glance and waits for her to say something.

"Hm, that's Orion's belt, right?" she reaches up, pointing to three stars close together.

"Yes!" Kaito informs, beaming. "do you know the story of Orion? My parents used to tell me before I went to bed as a kid. Uh, when they were still around at least."

He pauses for a moment, the air of delight dampening only for a second before he launches into a full explanation about Orion. She listens as best she can, staring at him with the corner of her eye. He's staring into the sky with a devoted passion, lips pulled into a wide smile.

He's still in the middle of the story when Shuuichi shoots up from his spot on the roof, phone clenched in his hand.

"Guys, I gotta go," he announces, scrambling to get off the roof.

"Uh, Shuuichi, bro, not that I'm gonna stop you, but why?" Kaito asks, confused as to why he's suddenly frantic to leave.

"Kiibo came to visit," he laughs, blushing, "but he wanted it to be a surprise so he didn't tell me or my uncle. He's waiting at my house right now, so I'm gonna head over. I hope that's alright with you both."

"Just go make-out with your boyfriend already," Maki snorts, beckoning him off. He flusters but doesn't even attempt to argue what the two might do. With one last farewell, he scampers off, clearly excited. In her head, no matter how much she hates him, she sends her condolences to Kokichi for being in love with an already smitten boy.

She turns back to Kaito who begins to explain the stars again. It's nice. laying beneath the stars with Kaito, hearing him chatter about something he loves so much. It makes her happy. Slowly she begins to drift off, and she feels a bit bad about doing so while Kaito is talking since he's so excited to share this with her. He doesn't seem to mind, however.

"Are you tired?" he asks, cutting off his story. She shakes her head, but it's halted.

"No, I'm... Fine, you can keep talking," she attempts to reassure. He chuckles.

"Sure I can, but you're not gonna be awake for much longer, are you?" he mumbles. She tries to shrug but she's too tired, staring at him with half-lidded eyes. He chuckles at her state and eases himself upright. After a moment of glancing around, he turns down to her and scoops her up into his arms. She makes a noise of displeasure, squirming.

"Hold on, I'm just gonna take you inside, alright?" he huffs, rolling his eyes at her struggle. Hesitantly she stops squirming and allows him to carefully climb from the roof to his little balcony with her in tow. Once he returns to his room he sets her on his bed and leaves to retrieve the blanket still on the roof.

He's back in less than a minute. He closes his balcony door and locks it shut, spreading the blanket out on the floor to sleep. She grabs his arm before he can lay down though, and pulls him towards the bed.

"Like middle-school," she mumbles tiredly, tugging on his wrist. He gets the message. Let's share the bed, she tries to say, like we did in middle-school.

Granted, back in middle-school Shuuichi had been with them, and all three of them had been stick-thin little things and it had been on Shuuichi's guest bedroom bed, which was king-sized.

Kaito blushes, but Maki can't see it in the darkness. And even if they were in better lighting, she's too sleepy to pick up on it anyway.

"Wait, just a minute," he tells her and then walks to a corner in his room. There are some incomprehensible sounds Maki can hear and suddenly a soft glow emits across the ceiling. Stars. She glances towards him as he settles an observatory projector on the ground.

"See? Now we can watch the stars, even from here," he whispers, settling beside her. She makes a noise in the back of her throat, burying her face into his chest, and fisting his shirt with her left hand. Kaito wraps an arm around her shoulders, curling into her as well. The words, we're best friends, so this is okay, are played like a mantra inside his head.

"Comfortable?" he chuckles to her as she drifts off.

She shrugs almost drunkenly.

"As long as 'm beside you," she slurs, dozing off.

Beneath artificial stars, they sleep.

[13. i care more for your comfort]

Maki rubs her forearms as a chilly wind rushes by.

Her breath comes out in white wisps, dancing temporarily in the air before disappearing into the sky like spiraling smoke.

The sky is gray but the day is light and Maki stands beside Kaito on the corner of the town street, waiting for Shuuichi to show up and meet them.

"Harumaki, are you cold?" Kaito asks, looking at her with concern.

"No," she fibs, dropping her hands from her forearms. "A wind passed by is all."

Wordlessly Kaito slips off his jacket and drops it over her shoulders, encapsulating her in its warmth. Maki makes a noise of surprise.

"Fool, now you're going to be cold," she snaps, taking off the jacket and shoving it back into his arms.

"I'll be fine, I'm more worried about you," he replies, rubbing the back of his neck as he hands her his jacket again. "You're wearing less than I am anyway."

"Do you want to die?" she threatens, but it lacks any bite. "If you catch a cold it'll only irritate your lungs more," she points out, pulling the jacket over his shoulders. Kaito frowns at her and she stares back, unmoved. With a sigh, he sticks one arm through one of the sleeves and then throws the other end over Maki's shoulders.

"We'll share, then," he grumbles, snuggling beside her.

"I figure you'll just keep bothering me if I try and get out of this, won't you?" she huffs, glancing towards him. He smiles cheekily.

"You know me so well," he chirps, pinching her cheek. She bats his hand away and sighs.

"Fine. Only because it's easier to nod my head and go along with it then fight you, idiot," she murmurs, leaning against him. Between them, he takes her hand.

They stand together, warm.

[14. honey i'll dance in any weather with you]

Maki watches him, a bit vexed as to what he's doing.

"Kaito," she calls, eyebrows furrowed. "Get out of the rain, you'll catch a cold."

He glances back at her, pushing some of his purple hair behind his ear. The rain has washed out the hair-spray's effects, and his violet tresses are strewn messily about his head, brushing against his jaw. He stares at her for a second and then smiles widely.

"Live a lil', Harumaki," he laughs, offering a hand out to her. "C'mon, dance with me."

"Do you want to die? Then we'll both catch a cold," she scolds, narrowing her eyes on him. "There's no music anyway, so there's really no point."

"Of course there's music. Nature's music! C'mon!" he cheers, jogging up to her and grabbing her hand. Before she can argue any longer he pulls her into the downpour.

She makes a noise of displeasure as rain soaks into her clothes but Kaito's smiling down at her, eyes twinkling brightly. She clutches his hand a bit tighter and lets him pull her around in a poor imitation of a dance.

He begins laughing amidst it all, enjoying the time, enjoying the wetness of the rain, the feeling of her hand in his. He's living in the moment and slowly Maki lets herself join him.

[15. i'll take care of you]

Kaito coughs rapidly, jolting in his bed with the intensity of it all.

Maki sits beside him, face unemotional despite the worry that wracks her body as she watches him.

"I told you dancing in the rain was a bad idea," she scolds, taking the cold cloth on his forehead and replacing it with a new one.

"Yeah, yeah," groans Kaito. "You told me so."

"...But it was fun," she admits softly, turning her face away and refusing to make eye-contact. "Stupid, but enjoyable."

Kaito grins for only a moment before he begins coughing again. Maki watches blood erupt from his lips, spilling over his chin. Kaito makes a move to frantically wipe it away but Maki get's there first.

His jaw is burning in her palm but calmly she wipes the blood off with the cloth in her hand, making sure to be gentle. Kaito tenses for only a moment before leaning into her touch, letting her clean up the mess. Once the red has been smeared away, Maki runs her thumb over his bottom lip which had been stained crimson only moments ago.

"Don't strain yourself, anymore, okay?" she murmurs to him. "I prefer an alive idiot over a dead one."

The words produce a bitter taste in her mouth but she swallows it down, along with the bile creeping up her throat.

Kaito doesn't answer. She wishes he would give her a reassurance, even if it might be a lie, I'm not gonna die.

"Harumaki, you're gonna be here 'til the end, right?" Kaito mutters, incredibly serious. The bright, excited and happy look he always seems to wear is gone. Maki's gut twists.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she mumbles, frowning as she stares at him.

"You'll stay my friend until this is over, one way or another, right?" he inquires, hand raising and covering her's on his jaw. He gives her palm a light squeeze.

She wants to scold him. For someone usually optimistic, the way he says it tugs her heart in every direction and makes her sick.

"...If that's what you want," she whispers, but it comes out hoarse, barely there. Kaito holds her hand a bit tighter and smiles gently.

They sit there in silence, together, and Maki prays it doesn't end in disaster.

[16. belief in the things that aren't ever true]

Maki picks a daisy weed and twirls it between her fingers for a few seconds. After some time she rips off the petals and discards the stem, repeating the process with a freshly picked daisy.

"Are you playing 'she loves me, she loves me not'?" Kaito asks, glancing up from his engineering homework to look at her.

She turns her gaze to him. "No," she answers bluntly, turning back to the flowers and ripping off the petals again.

"Here," Kaito states, holding out a hand. "Gimme one."

Wordlessly she plucks two from the grass around her and hands one to Kaito. Slowly he picks the petals off one by one, his voice a sing-song of "She loves me, she loves me not,"

Maki watches, somehow entranced by the way he delicately plucks off each petal and discards them to the side, humming the stupid tune. The last petal comes around and Maki watches Kaito turn to her with a smile.

"She loves me," he says, and the last petal is gone. He tosses away the stem, smiling to himself as he faces his homework again. "Heh! Good for me."

Maki turns to the flower in her own hands and hesitantly picks off each petal one by one. In her head, she repeats the words Kaito had said.

He loves me, he loves me not.

The last petal comes around.

He loves me.

Maki smiles to herself and leans back against the park table. For a second, she allows herself to pretend that much is true.

[17. gentle moments between the two of us]

Maki huffs, tugging on a knotted piece of her hair with aggravation. When it doesn't give way easily, she tugs out a cluster of tangled hair from her ponytail and discards it to the side, her nose wrinkled with disgust.

Bothered by it, Maki takes down her twin-tails and rakes her fingers through her tresses, smoothening out what she can. She freezes when another hand joins and turns to glare at whoever made the terrible decision to touch her without knowing her.

Kaito smiles and she softens up instantly, hands dropping from her hair to her side and simply letting Kaito pet her.

Eventually, after a while, Kaito takes her trust to his advantage and ruffles it up. She makes a noise of disgruntlement, grabbing his hand with a hiss.

He laughs at her expression and she lessens her grip, flustering. Once she's stopped being hostile Kaito goes back to gently running his hands through her hair in a soothing gesture of affection.

In the back of her head, she savors the moment.

[18. we hold on and wait]

"I'm gonna need a transplant," Kaito tells her one day as they sit in his kitchen. She stiffens instantly, everything she holds drops from her hands and she stares blankly in front of her as the words process. "The chemo couldn't kill it off, so now I'm on the waiting list for a transplant."

Maki doesn't speak, still too numb as her thoughts race.

"...I'm not gonna lie, the doctors aren't sure if 'm gonna get a donor in time either. It's... Gotten pretty bad. I might end up in the hospital for a—"

Maki stands up and the scratching of her chair on the kitchen floor interrupting Kaito. Her eyes are blurry and—Are these tears? It's hard to tell. She feels like throwing up.

"Harumaki?"

Her hands are trembling, her entire body quivering. She reaches out and grabs his hand.

"Lie," she says abruptly.

"Wh... What?"

"Lie," she repeats, "lie and tell me you're going to be fine. Tell me you're going to make it, even if you have to lie. Please."

Her demand is meek and it comes out a whimper. Her legs are shaking so badly she thinks she might collapse.

Kaito's hands reach up and tug her waist so she's kneeling awkwardly on his chair between his knees. Maki crumples into him, burying her face in his shirt and breathing heavy. He wraps his arms around her shoulders and rocks her gently.

Don't die, don't die, don't die.

"...I won't die," he murmurs, "Momota Kaito won't be taken down by a lil' illness like this, y'know?"

Maki chokes on a sob and he clings tighter to her.

He'll be fine.

...

[19. its warmer when you're around]

"Why is it so hot today?" whines Kaito, tearing off one of his shirts and resting in his tank-top, panting. Shuuichi shrugs but also takes off his jacket.

"Global warming?" he offers after a moment of thought.

"Global warming for sure, it feels like the devil's asshole up in here. It shouldn't even be this hot!" he groans, tossing his arms in the air and throwing himself onto the floor.

Maki takes off her jacket, leaving her in a red tank-top, but it doesn't do much when several pounds of hair hangs over her neck.

"I'll go grab the fan from the storage beneath the stairs. Hold on," Shuuichi vouches, standing up and stumbling from the room as he wipes his brow.

Maki continues her work but finds the heat troublesome. She reaches behind her, tugging a bit on the back of her tank-top and finding it slick with sweat. The same must be happening with Kaito because he lets out another bothered groan before shucking off his tank-top.

Maki continues her work, unaffected. She's seen him shirtless many times.

A few moments later Shuuichi returns with the fan, plugging it into the wall and letting it blow cool air over them. It doesn't do much. Eventually, Maki gets fed up with the soaked back of her top and tugs it off, leaving her in a black sports bra.

Kaito chokes, but not for the expected reason.

"You have a six-pack?!" he howls, bolting up.

Maki glances at her stomach, to her tightly packed muscles along her abdomen.

"Yes," she answers, glancing towards Shuuichi and then towards Kaito. "Why are you surprised?"

"I just, it's just. You're..." he trails off and Maki raises a brow, daring him to make the sexist comment so she'll have a reason to slap him.

"If it bothers you so much then stop looking," she snaps, leaning over her work and writing out some more answers.

"I guess I was just surprised 'cause you're tiny," Kaito exclaims, "And it doesn't bother me, it's actually pretty hot."

Maki's breath hitches for a second, her face turning bright red. Quickly she turns away, face burning.

"I-idiot, think before you speak!" she hisses, sparing him a quick glare.

"Can I touch them?" he asks, disregarding her former statement. She squeaks, turning away again.

There are a few moments of tense silence.

"Harumaki, please?" he begs, dragging himself closer to her. She takes in a deep breath, trying to calm herself.

"Fine. If you'll stop pestering me about it afterward," she grits out, face still crimson. Kaito beams and she flinches when he pokes her abdomen. Gradually he goes from random poking to tracing the outline of her muscles and Maki thinks, in the back of her head, about how she'd really like it if his hands were just a bit lower. Her thighs press together as a foreign heat fills her lower gut.

"Ahem," Shuuichi coughs and the two jolt away from each other, flustering. "Guys, our school work," he points out, but even he's flustered from the events that have just conspired, refusing to look at either of them as he gestures to the unfinished work on the table before them.

"Uh, right!" Kaito states, sitting upright and getting back to work after staring at her for a moment more.

Maki stares blankly at her work for the rest of their study session, trying to shoo the memory of Kaito's hands on her.

[20. give me all the temporary confidence i need to adore you]

Maki should've figured this would happen when she had agreed to come to the party.

She loves Rantarou, don't get her wrong, but these sorts of events always tend to get out of hand.

She holds the red solo cup in her hands, staring into the fruity punch. She knows exactly who spiked it. Kokichi. Well, she's already drunk, or someway there. Buzzed, her head feels a bit fuzzy. With a sigh, she tosses her head back and chugs the rest of the punch in her cup before discarding it beside her.

She watches as Miu finishes up the dare, which involves launching three hot dogs at a shitty-homemade target with her tits. The last hot dog hits dead center and she watches as everyone drunkenly cheers. Beside her Kaito is howling with laughter, laughing so hard that there are tears streaking from the sides of his eyes.

"Take that you fuckin' virgins!" screeches Miu victoriously, turning to them with her middle-fingers raised. She marches back to her spot in the little circle the fifteen of them have formed.

She looks around, rubbing her hands together mischievously. With the fluster of her cheeks and the sparkle in her eyes, Maki figures the next dare to come will certainly be lewd. Well, doesn't matter to her, she's the least likely person to be picked anyway.

"Yo, space-dick!" Miu yells, grinning at Kaito beside her. "Truth or dare!"

"What do you take me for?" he responds, smirking, "Dare, duh!"

Maki nearly groans. He's put himself in a terrible position, hasn't he? Oh well, that's his own fault.

Her grin widens. "I dare you to let bitch-tits give you hickeys for the next three turns!"

Maki frowns. Isn't that her nickname from Miu? Bitch-tits? Oh fucking hell.

"Hold on, you can't bring me into this," she snaps, turning to Miu with a glare. Miu yips, backing off.

"W-well I was gonna say he could pick," grumbles Miu, hands raised to the side of her head, clenched into fists and pressed against her bosom, almost defensively. "But it was obvious the virgin was gonna pick you, so I just went with it!"

A part of Maki wants to argue against that, and a part of her doesn't.

"R-right? You would've picked her anyway, space-dick?!" Miu demands, still positioned defensively.

"I..." Kaito pauses, deep in thought. "...Yeah, I probably would've," he admits sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck as his already flustered cheeks grow a tad bit redder.

"See!" Miu hisses, "It's 'cause the both of you wanna bone each other! S-so I'm doin' you a favor—"

"If I agree, will you shut up?" Maki snarls, getting tired of Miu's rambling. It's not because they want to 'Bone' one another, it's probably because they're best friends and Kaito's more comfortable with her doing this. Regardless, Miu straightens, gaining back her confidence.

"Y-yep, I'll zip my mouth and just get down to enjoying the show!" Miu promises.

Under a rational mindset, Maki never would've agreed, but the kick of alcohol makes her a bit more lenient and she can't hide that the fact that leaving a hickey on Kaito is incredibly appealing.

With a sigh, Maki turns to Kaito and scoots onto his lap. He makes a noise of surprise.

"Wow space-dick hard already?" teases Miu from the other side of the room. A sharp glare from Maki has her shrieking and backing off.

"H-Harumaki...? Y-you, uh, you sure about this?" he asks, "'Cause I can drag someone else into this if you aren't comfortable—"

"Shut up," she demands and, in an instant, he stops talking.

Better me than someone else, her mind supplies. She buries her face in his neck as he begins talking. She's pretty sure he's addressing Korekiyo and her suspicions are confirmed when she hears the aspiring anthropologist reply back.

It's a bit surprising that Korekiyo picks dare, but she supposes he just might be under the effect of the spiked punch.

"I dare you to tie someone up with those ropes you always carry around. Don't fuckin' lie either, I know you have 'em on you right now!" Kaito challenges.

Hm. She'd never thought about that. Well, that's not important, she's supposed to be kissing his neck, isn't she? She's never left a hickey on someone, so she's not quite sure how this works, but like hell she's going to ask for help.

She decides on the side of his neck, and leans over, hesitantly pressing an experimental kiss to his skin. Kaito jolts beneath her, a soft squeak escaping his mouth in surprise.

Her hands clamp onto his shoulders to hold him steady against her. The alcohol in her system gives her the confidence to continue, and her mouth slides over his neck, kissing again.

Beneath her lips she can feel his pulse, beginning to race and she holds down the urge to smile smugly. In the back of her head she thanks Kokichi for spiking the punch, she never would've done this if he hadn't. And now she has a perfectly viable excuse for her uncharacteristic actions: Alcohol.

She kisses his neck more, sucking on his skin until a soft purple mark vaguely the color of his eyes have been left in her wake. Deciding making it any darker would be an overkill she moves on to make another mark.

She feels Kaito's arm hook around her as she moves along, feeling him breathe heavily into her hair. He's panting, trying to muffle a groan in her tresses. Maki's going to be incredibly embarrassed when this blows over but she has a feeling she's not going to be too remorseful.

She hums as she continues, pausing to press a light kiss on the mark that has developed thus far. She's left four marks when Kaito finally tugs her off. Three turns have passed and she slides out of his lap with ease, returning to the spot she was formerly sitting at. She spares Kaito and glance and see's his cheeks are flushed, eyes a bit glazed.

She leans against him a bit as the game continues on. He is warm, as he always is. In the back of her head, she acknowledges that she certainly wouldn't mind doing that again, even if she won't admit it aloud.

[21. marks i left but never regretted]

Maki stares at his neck and feels embarrassment clog her gut. When Kaito catches her looking she flusters and turns away, pretending she wasn't so interested in them at all.

They're still there and it's been more than a week.

"You alright, Harumaki?" he questions, tilting his head.

"...Fine," she answers, still refusing to make eye-contact.

There is one thing about the hickeys that stand true, however. And that truth is she feels zero remorse or shame when she sees them, dark purple along his tan skin. She spares him another glance, looking at the four hickeys dotted on his skin.

"Gomen," Kaito states abruptly. Maki blinks, turning her gaze back up to him. "For getting you roped into it. The, uh, the hickey thing."

"It was Iruma's fault," she replies, staring at him a bit longer. "So don't be."

Little does she know, he isn't remorseful either.

[22. don't slip from my fingers]

Things fall apart two weeks later.

"I'm going to go back to the hospital this Saturday," Kaito tells her, "They'll administer the last of my chemotherapy. If it doesn't work then... Well..."

Maki's fingers curl into fists, nails digging deeply into her skin and leaving crescent marks.

"If the worst comes, don't visit me," he advises. Maki flinches, turning to him with narrowed eyes.

"Why not?" she demands, frowning.

"...I don't want you to see me like that," he confesses after a moment. "Weak, dying, in pain, I don't wanna put that on you."

"I'd want to see you regardless," Maki argues, eyebrows furrowed. "You can't just... Disappear and... And..." her voice cracks and she stops talking.

"That's what I thought when I saw my parents for the last time," Kaito informs her, crossing his arms and leaning back on the bench where they sit. "But it was fuckin' miserable. Hooked up to machines, unresponsive, frail and stitched up together."

"That's different Kaito," she points out. "A car crash is different from cancer."

"But seeing someone die is always the same," he murmurs.

"So what?" she snarls, raking a hand through her hair. "I'm just supposed to see you at school, walk around like I don't know you're in pain and then bid you farewell on Friday knowing you're going to die?!"

Her voice cracks again and she tries swallowing down the bile. She turns away, rubbing off the tears collecting at the edges of her eyes.

"...Gomen, I didn't..." Kaito trails off awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck.

Once she's somewhat calmed down, Kaito continues.

"I'm sorry, it's selfish of me. Please don't come see me if things take a turn for the worst."

Maki says nothing, instead leans against Kaito, resting her head on his shoulder. Her hand finds his and she grips it tightly.

He slips away from her.

[23. take my hand and let's pretend for a little while longer]

Friday night and the stars glitter down from sky.

"Harumaki," Kaito murmurs and she glances towards him. He offers a hand and hesitantly she takes it, unsure of what he wants. He tugs her up onto her feet.

"A final dance?" he asks and she can only nod numbly. It's weird, his hand is so, so warm. She can't imagine a time when this warmth will eventually leave him, where his heart will stop beating and his body will go cold. It makes the bile rise up her throat.

The stars twinkle down from the violet-indigo sky, vaguely the color of Kaito's hair on this very night.

They sway quietly with one another, Kaito humming a tune under his breath. It's out of pitch and horribly paced but Maki wouldn't have it any other way. She rests her head on his chest as they move.

"I'm still going to the stars. This illness can't stop me from getting there," he rambles, "so look for me at night, okay?"

Maki doesn't answer but her legs are trembling.

"Kaito," she murmurs, "Kaito, I—"

"Wait, no, don't talk okay?" he states, holding her tightly. "I just wanna savor this."

Maki bites her lip and nods.

Kaito, I love you.

In the end, she says nothing. It would be selfish of her to press her feelings onto him right before his death. They dance for a little longer until both of them are crying, left standing on the roof, holding one another.

He buries his face in her hair, tears streaking down his face and Maki hugs him tightly, sobbing into his shirt.

"What am I going to tell the kids?" she manages to question through her tears.

"Tell 'em I went to space," Kaito replies, sniffling. He wipes away his tears with his sleeve but the two resume hugging not soon after. "'Cause that's where I'll be, y'know? A star, somewhere up there."

Maki thinks that's silly. He's always been a star in her eyes.

He smiles down at her after a second, wiping away her tears with his sleeve as well. "Shit, let's not spend this night crying, alright? C'mon, can you smile for me?" he murmurs. She tries but it ends up crumbling beneath a sob.

"I-idiot," she chokes out, wiping some more tears away with her hand.

"Sorry, probably too much of me to ask, right? That's okay. This is okay. Just... Stay here, with me, for now."

She nods and Kaito pulls her into another hug, rubbing a soothing circle on her back. They stand beneath the stars which twinkle vividly as if to say goodbye to their companion.

Kaito, I love you, stays trapped in her throat and she holds on pretending there could've been something more.

[24. without you i can barely able to function]

"Maki?" Ms. Tooru says, shaking her awake. "Maki, dear, you're late for school."

"I don't feel good," she replies, voice hoarse. Her eyes hurt from the number of tears she's been crying and her nose is stuffed and everything inside her aches.

Kaito, I love you.

She whimpers to herself and curls into a ball.

"Oh, alright, I'll call the school and let them know," Ms. Tooru informs, hesitantly leaving the room.

The rest of the day passes on like a blur, she barely lifts from the bed, she's vaguely aware of the children at her door, whispering worriedly among themselves as she wastes away. The next three days are spent in a numb trance. She goes to school but can hardly ever focus, her homework is sloppy, unchecked. Shuuichi looks the same.

They sit in class together, silent, holding each other's hands so tightly that their knuckles turn white. If the teachers see this, they don't comment on it. Maki knows that they know what's happening anyway.

More days pass, there's no word from Kaito or his grandparents. Maki has a terrible sick feeling in her gut. She wonders if he's already passed.

Maki can't focus on anything good anymore, Kaede and Tsumugi desperately try to lift Shuuichi and her's spirits but to no avail. Everything feels sad and despairing.

The news is full of tragedy, preaching about another incident where several people were killed. Death seems to be following her, where ever she looks, it's there.

Kiibo comes to visit, Maki watches Shuuichi break down in his arms and she stares at her own cold and empty hands and wonders who will be here for her. She catches Kokichi's blank stare in the halls sometimes and thinks, of all people, she doesn't want his pity.

People in school begin to whisper about his disappearance. An accident? what could've happened, where could Momota Kaito, one of the most popular and upbeat boys in the school, have gone?

Soon students are asking her and her tone is biting, voice sharp, eyes drawn into a glare. She looks pathetic, like a wounded animal trying to defend itself from a painful truth.

Two weeks pass without Kaito in her life and she finally accepts the fact he's gone from her life.

She holds her own hand as she cries and tries to remember the warmth Kaito had given her.

[25. hold the broken halves of my heart and move along]

Maki eats a bag of konpeitō candy a month later.

The sugar is too sweet, she isn't a big fan of candy, but she eats each piece as she blankly stares out her window. It's dark and through the light pollution she can vaguely make out the glow of Orion's belt.

She eats another konpeitō candy. It's so sweet, too sweet.

She thinks back. Kaito was sweet, too sweet. And now he's dead.

Her eyes water and she shoves an entire handful of konpeitō into her mouth to distract herself.

She stares longer at the stars.

"Maki-nee-chan?" a voice asks and she turns suddenly, frantically wiping at her eyes.

Little Takashi stands at the door, frowning.

"Yes?" she inquires, clearing her throat.

"Are you okay?" he questions, fiddling with his thumbs. She frowns at the question but moves to answer.

"I'm alright," she lies, eating another konpeitō candy. She bites down hard on it. Her teeth hurt. Doesn't matter.

"Oh. It's jus'... I thought I heard cryin' the other night comin' from your room," he tells her with a shrug. "Nonaka-nee said it was 'cause you 'n' Momota-nii-chan broke up, 'n' that's why he doesn't come visit anymore."

Maki shoves another handful of candy into her mouth.

Kaito, I love you.

she struggles to hide a whimper.

"...I told you, Kaito and I weren't—aren't—dating," she reminds him, "...He just... He went off."

"Oh," Takashi murmurs. "Do you know when he'll be back? We miss 'em. Especially Suzume, she's been really upset that he hasn't come to visit her."

"No," she answers honestly. "I don't think... All I know is that Kaito went off," she tries to explain, bile rising up her throat. "To... the stars."

"Oh!" chirps Takashi, smiling, "I see, that makes more sense. I'll tell the others, then! See ya', Maki-nee-chan!"

He leaves the room and closes the door behind him. Not too long after, the bile forces it's way up and Maki scrambles from her room, bursting into the bathroom and puking into the toilet. There are tears dripping down her cheeks and she cries as her body purges the sugar from her stomach, sick of the inadequate substitute of someone more fulfilling.

She heaves against the rim, sobbing harder and puking more. She thinks she hears murmuring outside the door, but she doesn't care, everything hurts. Her throat burns, her stomach aches and her mouth tastes rancid.

Shards of a broken heart dig into her organs like glass and kill her from the inside.

[26. fragments of you in all the places i hadnt thought to look]

Maki stares into the rain for a long time, gripping the handle of her umbrella.

Nature's music is soothing, it washes over Maki and reminds her of better times. She grips the handle of her umbrella a bit tighter.

A few more moments of silence. She hears footsteps and turns around, expecting to see someone with purple hair and the brightest smile in the universe. Instead, another student walks past, opening their umbrella and continuing on.

Maki realizes Kaito isn't going to come. With trembling hands, she opens her umbrella and steps into the rain. The wind bites at her from all sides and she tries to remember how warm it felt beside him, his shoulder pressed against her's, face close with that dorky smile as he chattered away.

Her throat tightens and she pauses midway towards the orphanage before turning in the opposite direction. The rain lashes at her legs and pellets the umbrella like hail but she keeps walking.

After walking for a bit she stands in front of the train station, almost as if expecting to see Kaito. With nothing much to loose she closes her umbrella and enters, looking around for a boy with purple hair and a smile so bright it could blind her.

She doesn't find him. Outside she hears the rain grow more restless.

She turns and leaves, opening her umbrella and walking towards the orphanage again.

On the way there she passes the bus stop they'd taken a break in, once, so long ago. She pauses and stares into the empty shelter as if he might appear again. He doesn't. She continues on.

She's almost home when she lowers the umbrella, letting the rain soak her hair and skin and uniform. She remembers a time where they danced beneath the darkened clouds to the sound of thunder and wind and she pushes bile down her throat.

She enters the orphanage with a heavy heart, carrying lost fragments of a boy who slipped away.

[27. for the nightmares we thought were reality]

"Maki," a voice murmurs. Someone gently touches her shoulder and shakes it softly. "Hey, Harumaki."

Her eyes open slowly and she blinks awake. Her eyelids feel heavy—all of her feels heavy—and her hand moves to rub at her eyes.

There's someone in front of her and she studies them closer.

Oh, her mind supplies, It's Kaito.

He smiles down at her, and it's warm and endearing. Not his excited grin, rather a gentle and soft look of fondness. Maki, though tired, picks up on it. This is weird. Something is off.

"...Kaito?" she whispers, surprise blossoming in her gut. She glances around wildly. "Wha... What...?"

Kaito gives her an odd look, vexed by her own bewilderment.

"You're really outta it, huh?" he muses, crouching beside her desk so he can look at her better. Her hair slips over her shoulder, not in their normal ponytails. "You alright? You look like you've seen a ghost."

Because you're gone.

"Kaito... What's going on?" she demands, reaching out to touch him. He's solid and warm and very much alive. Kaito frowns, but leans forward to push several strands of hair back behind her ear, fingers lingering around her cheeks. She nearly leans into his touch but is too confused to really give it much thought.

"...You stayed after school to tutor me, remember? 'Cause I totally flunked that history quiz," he laughs but he looks close to screaming in frustration. "I guess you must've been tired 'cause you fell asleep on me."

"...I... Guess..." she mutters, eyebrows furrowing. She stares at her desk, still feeling uneasy.

"Did you have a nightmare?" Kaito asks, leaning towards her again. "You look really shaken up."

"I... Yeah," she gulps, staring at him. "I... Had a really bad dream."

"Well you're awake now," he states, smiling. "So no worries. But we should probably head home. It's getting late and the rain's only gonna get worse." He gestures to the window and indeed, water sprays over the glass, dripping off in a torrent. He sighs, frowning. "Goddamn, I'm gonna have to walk through all this rain to the train station."

"I have my umbrella," she informs with a shrug, "I can walk you to the station."

Kaito shakes his head. "Nah, I don't wanna burden you like—"

"Kaito," she interjects, "Don't be a fool. It won't be a burden to me at all."

He pauses and his cheeks glow a hue darker. "Oh," he chuckles, rubbing the back of his head. "Well, I mean, if you're down... Are you sure, though? You were really tired, you don't wanna just head back to your place and rest?"

"I'll be fine," she replies, slowly standing up from her seat and grabbing her gakusei kaban as she does so. "So let's go, alright? Before you miss the last train."

"...Alright," he agrees and then he offers her a hand. She stops cold, staring at his offered hand. "...Harumaki?"

"...Sumimasen," she murmurs, taking his hand. It's warm in her's. she thinks she might cry. "I just... It's nothing."

"I don't think it's nothing," he mutters, staring at her with furrowed brows. "But I won't push you into talking about it. Tell me when you're ready."

"...Okay," she whispers.

Together they walk from the classroom and down the stairs until they're walking out of the school, cramped beneath her red umbrella.

They're halfway there when Kaito stops her, looking nervous. "Hey, can I... Can we stop, just for a moment? I have to tell you something."

She pauses, holding the umbrella still. Rain and wind bite at her legs, but she remains calm and collected.

"What is it?" she inquires, tilting her head.

"I... It's... My illness," he stammers, trying to find a steady start. "It's gotten worse. They don't think the chemo's gonna flush it out. I'm... On the waiting list for a transplant," he explains. "But they're not sure I'll get a donor before my time's up."

The umbrella droops forward, leaving them exposed to the rain. This has happened before, hasn't it? She's sure this has...

Rain drips down their faces and although Kaito looks bothered he makes no move to force her to raise the umbrella again.

She stares at him eyebrows furrowing, gut twisting.

"I love you," she blurts.

He chokes.

"Wh-what...?! H-hold on, H-Harumaki—"

"I love you," she repeats, tears welling in her eyes. She drops the umbrella, reaching forward and grabbing his jacket. "I love you."

There are a few moments of silence and then she feels his hand on her cheeks, tugging her face up to look at him.

"I don't have long, Harumaki," he points out to her, voice soft. "You shouldn't... You..."

She shakes her head, sending droplets of rain that have soaked into her hair everywhere. Her hands reach up, grabbing his hands still cradling her face gently. She doesn't say anything else, just watches him. She's glad it's raining because he can't see the tears streaking down her face.

Her hands let go but move upwards, cupping his jaw. And then she tugs, just a bit, not enough to pull him to her level, but enough that he understands what she's trying to do. After a moment he leans down and Maki wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him.

His arms wrap around her waist as she stands on her tip-toes to kiss him better. They don't let go, just cling to one another. Rain-water seeps between their lips and slips into their connected mouths as they hold onto one another tightly.

It'd be nice to say he tasted of konpeitō, the candy he likes so much, but instead he tastes of lingering blood. Maki doesn't care, she holds on, desperate to have every bit of him before their time runs out.

It'd run out once hadn't it?

They pull away, just barely, lips still close, hot breaths fanning across their faces.

"I don't have long," he repeats, closing his eyes as their forehead press together. "Gomen, Harumaki. Gomen."

"...This is enough," she murmurs, content with the moment. It'll end soon. "This is enough."

"I wish it could be enough," Kaito whispers, staring at her sadly. "Harumaki, gomen. I wish I could be enough."

She grips him tighter. "You are enough," she tells him, voice hushed. "You are more than enough."

"I love you," he murmurs into her hair, and she thinks she hears him choke on a sob. "I love you."

His arms tighten and suddenly he let's go.

Her eyes open.

The darkness of her ceiling greets her. There is no rain, there is no umbrella, no confessions nor kisses. There is no Kaito, either.

She wishes she had told him that she loves him, before he'd disappeared. Even if it is selfish, now it feels like an iron weight is pressing down on her lungs and rib-cage, slowly crushing her alive. She thinks back on their time together.

It suddenly occurs to her that the things they did were always a step across the line of friendship. Perhaps they'd never said it aloud, but it was clear that the two had some sort of affection for one another. Or maybe Maki's reading too much into it, Kaito is an affectionate person after all.

Or, was.

Because Kaito's gone now.

Maki muffles her sorrowful screams into her pillow and hopes the children won't hear her agony.

[28. and you're confessing the sins you never committed]

A week later Maki returns to the orphanage from grocery shopping. She miraculously balances several bags beneath one arm, ripping open a package of konpeitō with her teeth and pouring a terrible amount into her mouth.

It's so sugary she thinks she might puke. Maki doesn't mind, she's grown a habit of doing this anyway. Eating away her feelings until she vomits it all back up again.

She drops off the bags on the counter and the children greet her softly, all looking concerned among one another. They know she is sad, they know she is going through something they cannot help her with. Rumor is that it's because their Momota-nii went to the stars.

It's a bit more than that.

"Maki, dear," a voice calls before she can escape to her room. Ms. Tooru quickly walks up to her. "have you been eating dinner lately?"

"...That's not important," Maki informs, turning to walk back up the stairs. Ms. Tooru reaches out and grabs her forearm.

"Maki, dear, please, you can't keep eating konpeitō and—" Ms. Tooru makes a move to tug the candy from Maki's arms but she makes such a distressed noise that Ms. Tooru takes a step back.

"I'm fine," bites out Maki, rubbing her eyes tiredly.

She is not fine. Her way of coping is destroying herself. She's a numb shell of what she used to be and she clings to fragments of a someone gone.

"...Alright, dear," Ms. Tooru murmurs, "Just... Promise you'll come eat dinner tonight, yes? The children have been worried about their nee-chan."

"...I'll try," Maki states but deep down she knows she won't. She turns and walks back up the stairs, eating konpeitō candy still.

She arrives at her room which is a mess. Her desk is cluttered with half-finished homework and she has tests she needs to study for but everything feels so pointless. The few pieces of clothing she has is strewn on the ground and other miscellaneous objects like garbage are spread around. She dumps her konpeitō candy on her desk and then curls up on her bed.

She dazes out of things because it feels like so little has time has passed when someone knocks on her door.

Takashi peaks in, giving her a toothless smile. "You have visitors, Nee-chan!" chirps the young boy, slipping into her room. He ignores the clutter and tugs on her arm. She sits upright, rubbing tiredly at her eyes and realizes it's already dark out. She's already piled beneath her homework and she considers just not doing it at all.

She let's him lead her out of her room, only stopping to hastily grab the bag of konpeitō candy on her desk. He leads her down the stairs and towards the living room where some of the children are crowded, murmuring to themselves as they look in.

"I got her!" announces Takashi, pushing past the kids. In the living room sits Shuuichi and Kaede.

Shuuichi is pale while Kaede looks perplexed, as soon as Maki arrives, however, she stands up. She gives Takashi a soft smile.

"Thank you, Takashi-chan. Could you leave us alone? We three need to have a... Private conversation," Kaede explains.

"...Will you give back Nee-chan before dinner?" Takashi asks.

"If we're finished talking by then, of course!" Kaede gushes back. Takashi smiles again and then nods before skipping out the door. He closes it behind him. Maki has a feeling the kids are sitting there, listening in regardless.

"Okay, you both need to explain what happened to Momota-kun," Kaede demands, turning to face them. Maki flinches violently and looks away while Shuuichi stays silent, still seated on the couch.

"You can't just keep this from me, you know?" Kaede hisses, glancing back and forth between them. "Momota-kun is my friend, too, if something's wrong then—"

"Go home Akamatsu," Maki interjects, glaring up at her from beneath the shadow of her bangs. "To bother me over this.… Is pointless. Go away."

Maki makes a move to leave the room when Kaede grabs her arm and yanks her back, tossing her onto the couch with Shuuichi.

"Stop that! Both of you are acting so... Weird!" Kaede growls, tearing at her hair. "I mean I know Saihara-kun is timid and shy but you aren't talking with anyone but Harukawa-chan. And I know Harukawa-chan is cold and doesn't socialize much but now you just growl at everyone! What is going on?!" Kaede pauses, eyes zeroing in on Maki's bag of candy.

"And konpeitō? Really? You don't even like konpeitō! You don't even like sweets that much! That's Momota-kun's thing!" explodes Kaede, beginning to pace back and forth.

"Kaito's gone, Akamatsu," Maki hisses and the words feel like acid in her mouth. Kaede stops pacing and turns towards Maki. "So go home."

"What do you mean he's gone? Momota-kun is perfectly healthy he—" She pauses, remembering the one day long ago when Maki had slept soundly on Kaito's lap as he coughed blood.

"Harukawa-chan cares a lot about you."

"I know."

Kaede freezes in her tracks, staring wide-eyed at the two of them on the couch. A hand lifts to her mouth in horror.

"No... M-Momota-kun was... He was sick, wasn't he?" she whimpers. "I-Is that...?"

Neither of them answer, but they both look away. Maki shoves a handful of konpeitō candy into her mouth. There's so much sugar it's overwhelming. She nearly throws up on herself but swallows it all down.

"We don't really... Know what happened," Shuuichi admits after a second. "It got.. Worse. So he went to the hospital for his final session of chemo. He requested for us not to see him and we tried to anyway, but he wasn't accepting visitors. We haven't heard from him, nor his grandparents since and… Well, it's been over a month."

Silence.

Maki swallows down another handful of konpeitō.

"Kami, Harukawa-chan, slow down. You'll throw up if you eat those so fast," Kaede advises.

"I don't care," replies Maki, crunching on the sugar to try and relieve any bit of pain that isn't there but at the same time is. Burning and clawing its way through her insides.

"...Are you eating them because Momota-kun liked eating konpeitō?" Kaede asks after a second, "is that how you're coping?"

"Fuck off, Akamatsu," she growls, swallowing down the candy. "What I do is none of your business."

"What both of you do is my business because you're both my friends and I care about you! A-and Momota-kun would say the same, too, if he were here!" Kaede hisses, stomping a foot.

"Well he isn't!" bites back Maki, hands clenching to fists. "If you haven't noticed, Kaito hasn't been here for more than a month. He's gone! And-and..." her voice cracks and she shoves konpeitō in her mouth as an excuse to stop talking and hide the weakness that has pried her apart in Kaito's absence.

The sugar and sadness is too much this time. Maki darts to the side of the living room and throws open the bathroom door, hurling into the sink. Half-chewed candies are washed down the drain. From the entrance, Shuuichi and Kaede watch with pity and concern.

She pukes once more until her stomach's too empty to give anything else. She cups water in her hands and drinks it down, trying to rid herself of the putrid taste contaminating her mouth. She thinks she wants to eat more konpeitō, even if it will only make her throw up more.

Finished vomiting up her stomach she slides to the floor, weak and frail from sleepless nights and days without eating. Her heart aches. It twists uncomfortably beneath her breast, longing for a boy who's gone. The tears start pouring out before Maki can stop them.

Shuuichi leans down and picks her up to which she stumbles against him, sobbing.

"I loved him," she admits, finally releasing the tight ball of festering emotions within her chest, finally confessing the words she couldn't say before, even if it isn't to him. "I love him."

Shuuichi cradles her against him where she sobs into his shoulder while Kaede stands uselessly to the side, watching them with worry and sympathy. She can't break their little bubble, they were closer to Kaito after all, it's their burden to bare.

Together the two end up collapsing back onto the floor, holding onto one another as the world around them crumbles.

Life without the one you love the most is painful.

[29. i go looking for you in the places i know you won't be]

Maki knocks on the door.

No answer. So she knocks again.

It's been two months and she at least wants some answers. Maybe she shouldn't be doing this, if Kaito is truly dead as they all think, the Momota family is probably still grieving. And who wouldn't? It's Kaito after all. Kaito.

It makes her heart ache just thinking about him.

She lifts her hand to knock on the door again when a child opens it up, peeking out curiously. Some ways behind him in the hallway stands a mother, hand reached out, absolutely mortified that their child has just opened the door, probably when the mother told him not to. Well, Maki would take any chance she got, especially because she has no clue who these people are.

"Hello," she greets after a moment and the child beams up at her.

"Konnichiwa! Who are you?" the kid asks, excited, "No, how are you, too? Kaa-chan said I should have some manners but I guess I—"

"Hoshiko-chan," the mother behind him calls, slowly walking up beside him. "Let your Kaa-chan do the talking, okay? Why don't you go back inside and play with your brother, alright?"

Hoshiko looks a bit reluctant, but nods, "Alright, Kaa-chan!"

The mother smiles as she watches her child skip away before turning back to Maki with a frown.

"Look, we told your company before, the payment's coming in so stop—"

"Ma'am," Maki interrupts, "I'm not here for whatever payment. I'm a high-school student."

The anger washes off the mother's face as she scans Maki's outfit. Sure enough, her high-school uniform stares back.

"I, oh, sorry," the mother murmurs sheepishly, "We've got these loan sharks on our backs, thought you were the messenger. They've been bugging us for weeks now, ever since we moved in."

"That's alright, I just had... Some questions, about the people who li—who used to live here," Maki explains. "I'm friends with their grandson, so I..."

"Oh, Momota Chieko?" the mother states, a finger raised. "Yes, she moved out when her husband and grandson passed away."

Maki's gut clenches and everything she wanted to say slips from her mouth. Her legs tremble and her eyes water and her throat becomes incredibly tight. The mother must have noticed because she beckons Maki inside with a sad smile.

"Watashi wa Shimura Ayaka. Sumimasen, it appears I have been the one to break the bad news to you," she whispers, leading Maki through the hallway, a hallway she first walked down when she was eleven, a hallway she'd seen just two months ago but is somehow unrecognizable to her now.

They walk past the living room where Hoshiko and another boy look up. They look like they're going to talk but Ayaka gives them a look and lets Maki take a seat at the counter.

"Would you like anything? Water or...?"

"I'm fine," Maki replies but she could really go for some konpeitō at the moment. "I just... Um, could you tell me... Did Chieko-san ever tell you... When… How...?"

"Oh," Ayaka murmurs, face solemn, "Well, her grandson, Kaito, I assume you were his friend? Um, he was in intensive care due to his cancer. They said without a transplant he'd... Pass. So Yoshinori-san, Chieko-san's husband, decided to attempt to save Kaito. He… Committed suicide so the hospital would give his lungs to Kaito."

Maki's breath hitches and she stares at Ayaka, eyes wide.

"But the transplant... didn't work. Kaito's body rejected the lung and he died as well... S-so, Chieko-san decided to move out. It happened about... A month ago, maybe less?"

"Oh," Maki whispers, voice hoarse. "I hadn't... Oh."

"...Chieko-san left some things. Said she didn't need them anymore... If you want..."

"If that's alright, could I..." Maki can't even finish a sentence. His death, even if she had been expecting it, weighs down on her. She feels like she's drowning.

Ayaka nods and beckons for Maki to follow her. Slowly they climb up the stairs, stairs Maki has walked up before.

"She, um, she left his room untouched and we haven't... Well, you'll see," Ayaka rambles, pushing open the door to Kaito's room.

It looks almost exactly the same since the last time she'd been here, save for a few boxes. Maki's chest tightens.

"We were planning on selling the stuff, but if you want anything..."

Maki walks forward and everything feels incredibly overwhelming. The room smells of him. She takes a seat on the bed as she tries to calm herself. As she sits she notices something in the corner of the room. She stands and walks towards it, kneeling on the ground to get a better look at it.

The observatory projector has gathered some dust and she brushes it off, pulling the machine onto her lap as she studies it.

She looks around for a box to put it in and graciously Ayaka gives her one, watching as Maki puts the projector inside.

Then, Maki looks into his closet. His clothes have gathered dust as well, hung neatly and folded into the dresser. She pulls out his favorite jacket, the purple one with the inner space-pattern lining. She holds it to her chest and tries not to cry.

She doesn't put it in the box, instead, she drapes it over her own shoulders. She tries to remember the one day Kaito and she had huddled beneath it for warmth but all she gets is the feeling of the cold fabric around her.

Soon the box she has is packed with items from Kaito's life. There's a terribly made scrapbook that she tosses in, several posters about space and she carefully folds the comforter of his bed to take for herself.

"Um, here," Ayaka calls, and she offers a journal decorated with space stickers. "I figure you might want this."

Confused Maki takes it and flips to the first page. She realizes it's a diary of some sort. Oh.

She clutches it to her chest. "Um, arigato," she replies and Ayaka nods gravely. Maki tucks the book into the box she's been provided and wonders how she'll be able to get this down to the station and back home. Or back to the orphanage at least, because home had always been with Kaito. and now Kaito's dead.

"It's getting late," Ayaka states after clearing her throat. "I'd hate to make you walk back to the station in the dark. Would you um, Would you like a ride home or...?"

"...That would be nice," Maki comments hazily, still staring at the items in the box. "Um, my friend, Saihara Shuuichi, he is—was... Best friends with Kaito too, can you keep everything, so Saihara can have something too? I think that'd… That'd mean a lot to him,"

Ayaka softens. "Um, yes, that'd be fine... As for the ride, where do you live?"

Maki tells her and Ayaka gets her two kids ready. She helps Maki pack the box into the car and sends a text to her significant and then they're on the way back. The drive is twenty minutes long and Ayaka looks confused once they reach the street.

"Just stop here, I can walk in," Maki tells her, unbuckling her seat belt. Ayaka parks on the side of the road and Maki grabs the box. With a wave she walks into the orphanage, missing the way Ayaka pales considerably.

And without a word she slips into her room, box clutched to her chest.

And then she wails.

Loud and messy, she drops the box by her side and sobs into her palms, not minding the volume of her sorrow. With one hand she punches the ground and her fist hits the floor so violently that her knuckles split.

Her emotions come undone. Kaito has always been capable of making her feel more than she thought possible.

[30. excerpts from a boy who lived and loved and died of a girl who lives and loves and cries]

00/00/00

junior high? still sucks ass i stg. oh no i swore fuckin' sue me. Tou-chan and Kaa-chan ain't gonna see this so who cares.

But, back to school, I mean, I'm going through it fine but Shuuichi looks like he might have a heart-attack one of these days and the teachers all have a pole up their ass. Speaking of poles up asses, I have met a pitiful girl and her name is Harukawa Maki and she, just like the teachers, has a pole up her ass.

There's a rumor she's an orphan but i could literally care less she's also a year younger than the rest of us, so she gets babied a lot but she's pretty cool. I think she's just lonely 'cause she doesn't seem to have any friends so i'm gonna be her friend, just you watch.

00/00/00

Harukawa Maki rejected my offer for friendship, she's cold as ice but i'm gonna be her friend. Just wait and see. you think you're so slick harukawa. Just you wait. JUST YOU WAIT.

00/00/00

Good-FUCKIN-news! Me 'n' Harukawa got paired together for our history project so that means I get to spend more time with her and she'll see just how good of friends we can be. Bad news i'm terrible at history and she's gonna know i'm an idiot.

00/00/00

i think Harumaki scares Shuuichi. like a lot. but that's fine cause soon we'll be the best of friends!

00/00/00

Harumaki beat up Kokichi today 'cause she thought he was bullying Shuuichi. So, good news, she cares, bad news, she beat up kokichi. I mean, is it really bad news? It's kokichi. And by beat him up all she really did was punch him. Misunderstandings happen right?

00/00/00

it was Harumaki's birthday like a fuckin wEEK ago! And she said nothing, can you believe that? says celebrating it is pointless. Pointless my ass.

00/00/00

Shuuichi has a crush on this boy named Ibadashi Kiibo, it's really dorky. Apparently, Harumaki's never had a crush, did you know that? How fuckin' wacky is that? She asked if i'd ever liked anyone and i told her all about it. Like back when I used to have that major lame-ass crush on Akamatsu, Kuwata-senpai and currently Asahina-senpai. Harumaki said liking someone was pointless. Does she think everything is pointless? I'll fuckin show her, just you wait.

00/00/00

Shuuichi is such a fuckin dork i stg. he was trying to talk to Kiibo in our science class and ended up dropping the vial of boiling hot water on me. It hurt like a fuckin bITCH. But good news, all was not in vain. Harumaki has the prettiest laugh in the universe, after all.

00/00/00

shit fuckin' blows asahina-senpai's dating Oogami-senpai what kind of bullshit is this? Harmaki said I shouldn't care so much, we're only in junior high so relationships don't last that long anyway. what a disbeliever. One day she's gonna fall in love and it's gonna suck and she'll finally understand what I mean.

not that i was in love with asahina or anything. glad she's happy or whatever.

00/00/00

Harumaki and i went to the school dance together. not because we like each other but because that one creep in the year above us, Hifumi-senpai, wouldn't stop bothering her. Apparently she looks like one of his favorite anime characters at the moment.

Harumaki was too stunned to say much. I don't think she expected anyone to ask her. which is kinda weird cause she's actually pretty popular with the boys but a lot of them are too intimated by her? that's kinda funny.

...

yeah.. real funny.

guess they'll never really know how cool Harumaki really is.

00/00/00

we all stayed over at Shuuichi's house yesterday and it was pretty cool. His Uncle Nobu's a detective and a swell guy but he's also a timid dork like Shuuichi. I see where he gets it from

Harumaki got really awkward though. Said she'd never spent the night at a friend's house. I intended to make it the best sleepover she'd ever had. I think I did it. Probably because it's the only one she'd ever had so by default it was both the best and worst.

Whatever.

We all shared the guest bedroom bed. I was in the middle. Harumaki's super fucking cold did you know that?

She's also a cuddlier.

What a dork.

00/00/00

Harumaki is super fucking cute. She got embarrassed and used her hair to cover her face what a dork move. Akamatsu teased her about it and out of habit she did it again.

00/00/00

youd think three years of junior high school would make me better in history but fuckin NO. Harumaki had to help me study again. I totally steered us off topic though because i started rambling about space. but who wouldn't? Space is super fuckin cool and its a lot more entertaining than learning about some dead guys with shitty morals.

00/00/00

im chilling in the principal's office right now but you can't fuckin blame me, alright? I was in health class and they were talking about masturbation and it was like, oh fucking kay or whatever (I mean its health what were u expectin momota). all the guys were giving each other looks and then Katsuda talks about how he jacks off to Akamatsu's tits and i was like, hold up man that's my friend dont treat her like a pin-up but he went on about it and i was gonna fuckin punch him there but then he had to say that he'd jacked off to Harumaki too and kami does that guy think all the girls at our school are just masturbation material?

well, anyways, I kicked him in the dick and then punched him a few times so here I am.

if he so much as makes a move on Harumaki i'll tear his dick off. Or akamatsu, if he makes a move on akamatsu ill do the same. Cant forget about her too.

00/00/00

[tear stains dot the page]

the car crashed. it crashed.

Harumaki let me cry into her shoulder. She hugged me too. If I can look past the tragedy, it was nice.

Thats shit isn't it? Cause my parents are in a fuckin hospital and all I think about is a fuckin hug and I dunno I guess its a step forward cause harumaki's really drawn back n doesn't like it when anyone touches her. It felt nice to know she trusted me enough to get close. But then it also sucked because my parents are in the hospital.

Fuck. Im crying again. I need to stay strong cause thats what they'd want me to do!

...i wish harumaki was here now though. Crying by yourself sucks.

00/00/00

[the handwriting is shaky and sloppy and the ink is dark and smudged as if intensely pressed against the paper]

they died.

I hope that doesn't happen to me. i hope Shuuichi or Harumaki never see me like that. If something happens, i'll make sure they never see me like that.

00/00/00

i told Harumaki that I'm an orphan now.

she told me she's one too.

we hugged again.

I wanna hug her again. she's cold, but she gives nice hugs.

00/00/00

i coughed up blood again. Ji-chan called the hospital, they're doing some scans and whatnot.

when I told Shuuichi and Harumaki they got really worried. Harumaki even held my hand.

her hand is tiny and its incredibly cold. I think 'm gonna hold it some more. she needs more warmth in her life.

00/00/00

i had... a weird dream about harumaki.

it was... well it was weird.

...

00/00/00

Shuuichi and Kiibo are finally dating. You would've thought they'd figured out their mutual affection from the three years of awkward pining but nope, Harumaki had to be the one to point it out. well, not point it out, more like accidentally bring it up and then kinda force them to spill it.

Speaking of dating and Harumaki, there's a rumor she's dating that kid in Class 1-C, Amami Rantarou. I've never talked to him, but apparently Maki's good friends with him. He's really popular with the girls. Of course, i don't really care if they're dating. It's just a rumor anyway.

Harumaki still lets me hold her hand, so it's fine.

00/00/00

Harumaki brought me 'n' Shuuichi to her orphanage.

The kids were all over us and she's apparently really good at taking care of them, despite being really cold. They look up to her and adore her and she's such a softie when they aren't looking.

I wonder if she'd act like that when she has kids of her own.

... I wonder if she acts like that when Shuuichi and I aren't looking.

00/00/00

Akamatsu has a girlfriend and her name is Shirogane Tsumugi. she's a cosplayer or whatever.

Maki said it was getting super annoying that all her friends were beginning to date so I asked her about Amami or whatever.

She looked incredibly confused so I told her about the rumor.

She flushed a really pretty color of red, the shade of her eyes. Harumaki has really pretty eyes. Shit. Since when has Harumaki been this pretty? I mean like, she's always been pretty but… Fuck.

She bit her lip. Her lips are pretty too, have I ever said that? Shit, Harumaki's beautiful.

she said they weren't dating, that she never thought of Amami that way. She was blushing a lot. I wonder if she was lying. I don't think she would. I don't think Harumaki would lie to me. I hope she wouldn't.

00/00/00

i finally told Harumaki about my lung cancer. She looked completely terrified. It was the most expressive I'd ever seen her.

She asked if I was getting treatment. I said yes.

She swore for the first time. I'd never heard her swear before. If it had been under the right circumstances it probably would've been incredibly hot.

...Is that really what I'm thinking about right now? Of all things, that? Who do I think I am, Katsuda? I might as well rip off my own dick. Here and now.

anyway she held my hand again. Her hand was cold. I wish I could give her all the warmth in the world. she deserves it.

00/00/00

summer is a goddamn bitch. Shuuichi, Harumaki and I just chilled at my house with the fan on but it was so fucking hot. Baa-chan brought us popsicles and all.

Harumaki has never eaten a popsicle before. Do you know how sad that is?

And the way she ate it was... well it was...

Fuck.

00/00/00

Harumaki fell asleep during tutoring today. It was super fuckin cute.

She drooled on herself 'n' everything. Kami I'm gonna flunk history but it was worth it. Does she always look like that when she wakes up?

...

I think I'd like to wake up to that.

I think I'd like to wake up to her.

00/00/00

we shared an umbrella. It shouldnt be a big deal i mean we shared an umbrella tons of times before. But i guess it'd different when Shuuichi's with us.

it'd be nice to say she was warm but she was fucking freezing. Kami that girl is always so cold, emotionally and physically.

i'll get her to warm up eventually.

00/00/00

We ran through the rain today. It was cold, just like her, but it was thrilling. it was living.

Then i had to start coughing up blood.

it totally ruined the moment. Maki ofc got really worried.

I hate to make her worried, but it was nice. I'm glad she cares 'cause I care about her too.

Which is why if this thing gets any damn worse i'll make sure she doesn't see the end result.

00/00/00

we always hold hands. it's not anything new

but it felt different.

I wanted to hold on. I think she wanted to as well.

I wanna hold her forever. Is that weird?

...

...This isn't friendship anymore, is it?

00/00/00

she called me by my first name. She's always formal with everyone y'know? So it was kinda jarring at first but…

I like it. I like it when she calls me by my first name.

I called her by her first name too. I mean I've known her since she was eleven so it's fine, isn't it? She got really flustered though, it was really cute.

But I like calling her by her nickname more. I dunno, guess it carries more affection? But like I was saying, I like it when she says my first name.

I want her to call me it more often.

I wanna hear her say it every day and I wanna hear her whisper it, I wanna hear her yell it, scream it.

…

would it be bad to say I wanna hear her moan it too?

00/00/00

I talked to Harumaki last night while I went star-gazing. She let me ramble to her. I wanna do that again, but not over the phone. I wanna do it when she's beside me.

I mean, she lives in the city, she never gets to see the stars that well, and she needs to see how beautiful everything is, y'know?

But you wanna know something absolutely fucked? Harumaki doesn't have a dream. Like, a dream dream you get me? She doesn't wanna do anything. Or at least, she doesn't know.

So just like it was my dream to become her friend, it is now my dream to also help her find a dream!

She's got a vague idea of what she wants to be. Somewhere with me or Shuuichi.

For a moment she said she was happier beside me and I felt my breath hitch and my heart stop. Of course, then she added Shuuichi and I realized she hadn't it meant it like that.

But I wanted her to mean it like that.

00/00/00

y'know how I said Harumaki's cute when she sleeps? Well, today she fell asleep on me. And kami I swear I nearly jumped out of my skin.

She slept so soundly that I couldn't even feel ashamed that Akamatsu was teasing me. She was so fucking cute. [illegible scribbles fill the line] what am I, a love-struck fool? This is my goddamn best friend [once more, illegible scribbles fill the line]

she said she trusted me before she fell asleep and shit that's probably the most affectionate thing Harumaki could ever tell a person.

then I started coughing blood. So now Akamatsu knows about it. But it's fine. I'm getting treatment.

I'll be fine, really. I'm gonna beat it, 'cause the impossible is possible, ya' just gotta make it so!

00/00/00

we indirectly kissed we indirectly kissed we indirectly kissed we indirectly kissed

kami and the worst part is harumaki didn't even freak out fuck im the only one acting like this aren't I?

00/00/00

I fucked up.

I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up I…

shit I just wanted to see her fluster up again y'know? So I was like let's play the pocky game and I know how to annoy her to the point she'll just go along with it so I did that and of course, she said yes.

She didn't want to kiss me, right? So I broke the pocky stick right before our lips touched and…

…

wait a fucking minute.

Maybe she wanted me to kiss her? Maybe that's why she was so mad?

Or maybe i'd crossed a fucking line. Goddamn it this is so complicated.

00/00/00

im in the hospital right now and harumaki came to drop off my homework and some notes.

I told her about my condition and she dropped fucking everything to hug me.

it's alright, i'll be fine. i'm not gonna die.

At least, Ive got a future with her n everyone else riding on the line, so im not going down without a fucking fight.

00/00/00

fuck.

[it is worth mentioning now that the handwriting is sloppy and panicked. Half the page has things frantically crossed out and hectic scribbles occupy much of the space]

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

FU C K.

FUC K K K

It was the kids okay shit I love em and all I totally do but they fuckin…

I always go over to the orphanage its nothing new the kids are super dorky n I love em all so I dont mind seeing em. Harumaki's always a big softie around them too and it's cute but then they fuckin… oh my kami they said they wanted me to be their tou-chan and then they said Harumaki would be the kaa-chan and I —

[hectic, frantic scribbles. The hand-writing is almost illegible]

—Was alright with that. But in a more than friendly fuckin way. Cause they mentioned we'd be married and I dunno a part of me liked the idea.

I mean fuckin? Momota Maki. Fuck that sounds nice. I'm? d.

Then Harumaki got so flustered and she did the thing — The tHING. The thing where she bites her lip and she's all flustered and pouty and fuck I really really wanted to fucking kiss her just grab her shoulders shove her on the ground and do all the stuff they warned us about in junior high health class.

Kami im as bad as katusda. Im gonna rip off my dick and I dunno, send it to iruma because she'll do something with it.

Scratch that, she'd probably make a taxidermy dildo with it and then send it to Harumaki because she's convinced we wanna bone one another. Well she's only half wrong.

So yeah, i'll tear off my dick and bring it with me to space and then chuck it towards the sun where it will eventually burn up, never to be seen again.

But fuck. Harumaki. Kami im gonna die.

Momota Maki. Momota Maki. Momota Maki. Harukawa Kaito's nice, too.

She'd look gorgeous traditional wedding kimono.

N' it wouldnt be bad either u get me? Cause I know harumaki and she knows me marrying her would probably be pretty cool. Then id get to see her wake up every morning 'n' fall asleep in that dorky fucking way. I wanna marry her?

Just fuckin? I love her.

Fuck I love her.

Wait.

WAIT.

WA I T

wAIT NO I —

….

no.

no I do.

No I really fucking love her.

fuck

Fuck

FUCK

FU C K

I LOVe HER O h KAMI I LOVE HER.

BUT NOT IN THE FRIEND WAY THE FUCKin

THE 'I WANNA SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU AND I WANNA SEE YOU NAKED AND MOANING AND SWEATY BENEATH ME' KINDA I LOVE YOU. THE KINDA 'I WANNA MAKE OUT WITH YOU AND HOLD YOU CLOSE AND NEVER LET GO AND I WANNA JOKE ABOUT EVERYTHING WITH YOU' LOVE. THE 'I WANNA GET MARRIED AND GROW OLD AND DIE WITH YOU' LOVE.

FUCK.

I'm fucking doomed.

00/00/00

we hung out yesterday, the three of us. They were gonna stay over so we could spend the night watching the stars but Kiibo had to reappear and sweep Shuuichi away. I'm glad he got to be with Kiibo, don't get me wrong, but I have the increasing urge to make out with Harumaki every time we're alone.

Thankfully I was distracted because Harumaki let me rant about space. But then she got really sleepy and she's so fucking cute when she gets sleepy.

Her red eyes get really hazy and she kinda droops and the stress lines on her face fade as she begins to relax into sleep. She tried staying awake to listen but I picked her up and brought her to bed.

We slept in the same bed together. She was cold, as she always is, but she snuggled into me and I wrapped an arm around her and I just wish…

I dunno, I just wished I could've stayed like that forever.

Together.

00/00/00

I did the thing. U know. The thing where the guy takes off his jacket and gives it to the girl. I was not fucking prepared it was super cold but Harumaki looked freezing. Thank kami she compromised and let us just share it because tbh I wouldve fuckin freezed.

00/00/00

[blood is smudged along the corner of the notebook]

we danced in the rain now im fuckin sick.

And its kinda a mess because I keep coughing blood. Kami its getting worse.

Harumaki said she's coming over to visit. She probably feels bad for not scolding me enough to get out of the rain.

I'll have to change my comforter, it's covered in blood.

… I hope she'll stick with me to the end.

To the good end, I hope.

00/00/00

I told her about how bad it's gotten.

she cried into my chest.

She cried. She fucking cried.

When was the last time she cried?

Shit I feel terrible and that's not just the illness talking.

I wish I could've told the truth when she asked me to lie. I wish I could've told her the 100% truth.

But the truth is we don't know what's going to happen.

But I know i'll fight until the end if it means having a future with her n the other.

00/00/00

she has a six pack kami.

What the fuck. Why is she so ripped.

I mean like I have muscle too but like.

What. Where did she get that. Shes so tiny.

00/00/00

[large, panicked scribbles fill half the page]

she le f t hickeys on me 'n' im gonna fucking scream.

I mean I know Kokichi spiked the punch but fuck she just dropped herself in my lap without a care and started kissing my neck and I swear to kami this woman is going to be the death of me if my illness isn't.

And yeah Harumaki's incredibly cold but her cool lips on my burning neck? did not help. Did not help.

It was really good. I want her to do that to me again. Shit shit shit im so fucking doomed.

00/00/00

I caught her. I think. I dunno, maybe im over-analyzing. She kept looking at the hickeys with interest I think she likes them on me. I think she likes the fact she fucking marked me oh my kami.

She looked embarrassed but not the least bit of regret on her face.

Heaven fuck me over if she realizes I didn't regret letting her either.

00/00/00

[there's blood]

it got worse

[smudged everywhere, deep red, it paints the page in vibrant crimson splatters]

00/00/00

[blood smears across the page, splattered in some areas, bright red contrasting with the stark white notebook paper]

it hurts.

It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts to fucking breathe.

Am I gonna die here? kami it hurts

I dont wanna die here. I dont wanna die now.

Please. Please I dont wanna fucking die here.

I need to see them first. I wanna see Shuuichi and Akamatsu and Kokichi and Kiibo and

I wanna see Maki.

I wanna hold her and kiss her and love her in all the ways possible. i wanna grow up with her by my side. I wanna go to space and look down on the earth and know she's there waiting for me. I wanna have a bed for the both of us where we can hold one another until time runs out.

I need to see her.

I dont wanna die now.

no.

please, fate, coincidence, whatever deity out there, I cant die now.

I need to say goodbye first.

00/00/00

im not gonna let them see me like that.

In pain, unresponsive.

I wont. I wont I wont I wont.

00/00/00

I cant tell her I love her, even if she loves me back.

If im just gonna die, I dont want her to face that heartbreak. I dont want her to hurt.

Shes gonna hurt regardless.

Fuck. Harumaki. I love you. I love you I love you I love you

im so sorry

00/00/00

[the page is dotted with tear-stains, handwriting shaky]

this is it. it's my last night here, at home, now we play the waiting game.

Tonight was… it was good.

I danced with Harumaki under the stars and she cried. I felt bad. I felt really bad. I felt worse than this illness makes me feel. I just wanted to kiss her and never stop. I just wanted to hold her and never let go.

Shit.

If im dead…

fuck.

Shuuichi, Harumaki, any of my friends reading this, I loved you guys.

I… shit. Someone give this to Shuuichi 'n' Harumaki will you? I know i'm fucking dead. I think i'm fucking dead but…

hey.

Shuuichi,

you doin' good bud?

You better be doin' good bud.

If im dead it's probably hard on you. If you fucking cry ill reincarnate from the grave to rip your dick off, you hear? And if you cry make them happy tears at least, okay? And if not happy tears, then at least be crying with someone else. It sucks when you cry alone.

But yeah. Grow up. Become a detective. Get married. Shit man, im not gonna be able to be your best man, am I? Fuck. Make Kokichi your—Actually, no, don't give him that satisfaction. Make Korekiyo your best man. That'll throw him in for a loop. Yeah, thats right you sick fuck. This is what you get for stealing my juice box in elementary school, kokichi.

As I was saying just… Go and be happy, alright? And take care of Harumaki. Fuck, make sure she's okay, for me, please? I want her to be alright, if I see her too soon I'm gonna be really angry. Mostly at her but a little at you too so make sure she doesn't try anything.

Stay best friends too, alright? I know I won't be around, but you two need to stay close. If you've read this, pass it onto Harumaki will ya'?

Assuming you have well.

uh.

hey.

Harumaki.

I know I didn't tell you before but I love you. I love you I love you I love you so fucking much, just as much as space. I love you so so so much. I wanted a future with you. I wanted to call you every pet name possible, to do the little surprise hug from the back. I wanted kids and a white picket fence with a tree-swing 'n' everything.

I wanted to make love to you, yeah that's fuckin right, if you're reading this I DID wanna bone harumaki, Iruma, bite me. But I wanted to bone her with, y'know, love. So uh. Yeah. Goddamn that's not very romantic is it? Whatever. I wanted to make love to you so just. Yeah. Fuck it. Not just that I wanted to do the dirty stuff too, I wanted to see you at your worst and best yelling and screaming and moaning and everything because fuck you're so goddamn beautiful with all your emotions when you show 'em and I just—shit Im rambling I should just stfu.

Fuck. I dunno. I just wanted to love every bit and piece of you.

There was so much more I wanted to do. I wanted to argue, I wanted to make up, I wanted to kiss and love and hold you. I wanted to adore you for you.

Im sorry. Im sorry I didn't get to do that. Im sorry I couldn't even fucking confess. I love you. Shit, Maki, I love you so much.

I don't know what happens when someone dies but just… Come find me. In this life or the next or the one after that. Come find me. I'll wait for you, okay?

I'll wait.

Come find me.

she goes to find him.

[31. things and promises you left for me]

"Take what you'd like," Ayaka assures them and then leaves them be in his room.

Maki watches Shuuichi burst into tears the moment they are alone and quickly she cradles him against her. They sit in the center of Kaito's room, embracing.

"Shit," curses Shuuichi, gasping for breath. "Kami, he's gone and I—I—"

Maki rocks him back and forth, pushing the bile down her throat. He's already stressed with the new revelation that his best friend is truly dead, what use would it be if she started sobbing as well?

After a few more moments of labored breathing Shuuichi gets back on this feet, looking around.

Maki sits on the bed, watching him scout through Kaito's stuff looking for keepsakes of their friend's existence.

She lays back, staring at the ceiling, recalling a time Kaito and she had curled up together on this very bed and slept soundly. Now it's empty and cold and there's no Kaito to curl into. Her stomach twists and she banishes the thought away.

Shuuichi's sifting through the closest when he makes a noise from the back of the throat. It's an odd sound of confusion. For Shuuichi & Harumaki.

He pulls a box from the closet, cleverly hidden deep within. He opens it up to find two other boxes, one labeled Shuuichi and the other labeled Harumaki.

"Maki," Shuuichi calls. Sparing a glance over his shoulder before turning back to the box curiously.

Maki lifts from the bed, broken from her almost drunken trance. She turns to Shuuichi, who's hunched over the box. Slowly he pulls out the tiny box that has her name labeled on it and hands it over to her before pulling out his own little box.

"Kaito left stuff for us, specifically," he murmurs, staring over the box with a frown.

The box she holds is plain white, one corner frayed enough to reveal the brown of the cardboard. Shuuichi doesn't open his, just stares at the top so Maki takes the liberties of opening her's first.

She wonders if Kaito's fucking with them from beyond the grave because two more boxes peak up from the enclosed container. She settles beside Shuuichi, placing the first box down and pulling the two others out. Shuuichi glances over, brows furrowed. Beneath the two boxes is a little book about constellations. It looks faded and worn.

Hesitantly, almost as if scared of what it holds, Maki opens the first, smaller box. It's full of pictures. Some are blurry, some taken at odd angles, all including smiling children and teens. Spanning from eleven to the present they grin up at her. A sticky note is left at the bottom.

Don't forget about me, Harumaki -K

She holds the pictures a bit tighter, staring at them as her vision grows blurry.

Shuuichi has started opening his present and has a box full of pictures just like her only this time their ages are much younger. Perhaps fourth grade? Fifth? Maki doesn't know, but Kaito's young face beams at the camera, arm wrapped around a much shorter Shuuichi.

The same note lays at the bottom of the pile of pictures ad Shuuichi grips it tight enough that the corners crinkle.

Shuuichi then moves onto the second box, opening it up to reveal little pins shaped like certain constellations. Shuuichi let's lose a curse again.

"Shit, Maki, these were… These were Kaito's dad's they meant the fucking world to him," Shuuichi mumbles, pulling one out and examining it. Orion. "After his dad died he..." Shuuichi trails off, unable to finish his statement and holding the pins close.

Maki turns to the other box and slowly opens it. It does not have pins, but rather two golden rings, constellations she doesn't yet know of etched on the inside. She pulls them out gently, laying them in her palm.

"...Wedding rings?" Maki murmurs with a frown, lifting them up so she may examine them more.

Shuuichi glances over. "Those were his parents' wedding rings. See?" He points to a little carving of a sun on one ring and then points to the matching carving of the moon on the other. "They're the ones that got him into space, did you know that?"

"...Oh," she whispers, voice close to cracking. She stares at them more, feeling the pit of her stomach drop as she recalls Kaito's journal. After a few more moments she slips both rings onto her right and left ring fingers. She wiggles her fingers, making sure the rings aren't loose, before setting her hands down on her lap, still staring at the bands of tarnished gold.

"He loved you too, you know?" Shuuichi reminds her, reaching out to touch her hand.

"I read the journal entry, Shuuichi," she replies but her throat is tight with all the emotions wanting to spill out, "I know."

She glances back into the tiny box to see the note crumpled up, sitting at the bottom.

it's a promise. Here or in the next life. Come find me. -K

She glances back to the rings.

"He has a shitty way of proposing," Maki states dryly, trying to find some lightness in the situation. It doesn't do much to brighten the mood but Shuuichi chuckles just a bit. Perhaps that is enough for the moment.

Maki's thumbs rub over the carvings of the rings and she basks in the quiet silence. She glances back at the note.

Come find me.

Playing hard to get, even beyond the grave, huh?

Regardless, she would.

[32. chasing another's dreams because I haven't got any left]

"Harukawa-chan, graduation's coming up. Do you know what you're planning on majoring in?" Kaede asks, frantically finishing up her homework as Maki sits beside her.

She doesn't answer, wordlessly staring at her two rings, thumbs rubbing over the carvings. It's something she's begun to do subconsciously, almost cathartic for her.

"Tsumugi-chan is going into fashion and tailoring, I'm obviously going into music as a general option and music theory. Saihara-kun's going into forensics and only Kami knows what Ouma-kun is going to do. Shinguuji-kun is going into anthropology, Miu-chan's going into robotics along with Kiibo-kun. Hm. Hoshi-kun's going into professional Tennis, Yonaga-chan is going into… Harukawa-chan? Harukawa-chan are you even paying attention?"

Maki snaps out of her daze, glancing towards Kaede.

"Mm… What I want to go into?" She rephrases, tilting her head. Kaede nods.

"Yeah! Basically, everyone's got a plan for the future. So what are you going to try?" Kaede questions.

"I'm joining the military," Maki answers.

"Oh! That's wonderful," Kaede gushes thoughtlessly. Then she pauses, giving it more thought. "Wait, you're doing WHAT?!" She screeches, turning back to Maki so quickly her hair hits her in the face.

"I'm joining the army," replies Maki with a shrug. "I don't have enough money to pay for tuition and my grades aren't good enough for scholarships so I'll serve in the army for a bit and then I'll go to college."

"Oh," Kaede murmurs, processing her logic. "Oh, I guess that's… Smart. What are you going to do after that?"

Maki knows.

"I don't know," she lies, glancing down at the rings on her fingers. "Guess I'll just have to wait and see."

[33. more to my nightmares than just the end of the world]

Maki sits outside, staring at the stars, fingers rubbing her rings as the cold bites at her ears and nose.

"Harukawa, you alright?" a voice just as stoic as her own asks.

She glances over her shoulder, watching as Ikusaba Mukuro steps up beside her and then settles down.

"...Couldn't sleep," she replies, tucking hair behind her ear. Training is brutal and yet Maki is left rather unscathed. She knows that will change soon.

"You should sleep while you can," Mukuro advises, eyes growing just a bit distant. "It gets harder to, once you've been out on the field."

Maki doesn't answer, it's already hard to sleep. Sometimes she closes her eyes all she can see is Kaito and then the blood that he coughs up until he's dead. And then she wakes up in a cold sweat, unable to sleep the rest of the night.

She rubs the rings a bit harder, integrating the feeling of the etched moon and sun.

"I appreciate your concern," Maki replies, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, trying her best to relax. "but I'll be fine."

"...You got someone waiting for you at home, Harukawa?" Mukuro asks after a moment of silence. Maki opens her eyes, turning towards Mukuro with confusion despite the fact her facial expression doesn't change. "I apologize if I'm prying, I was merely curious. I've seen other lieutenants with rings, but you're younger than the rest of them."

For emphasis, Mukuro gestures to Maki's rings. She pauses.

"...You could say that," she answers back, cryptically. Kaito could never be waiting back for her at home. He is her home. And he's gone.

"Get some rest then," repeats Mukuro, standing up straighter and staring into the distance, the glow of the moon dancing on the edges of her black hair. "They'll want to see you well and healthy when you come back to them."

Come find me.

"...Alright," Maki agrees, turning back to the sky, dotted with stars that glitter down, even through the light pollution of their station. The area's less populated than where she comes from. She can see Orion's belt, glimmering above. "I will in just a bit."

Mukuro nods and then turns to walk back into the building behind them, intent on resting up herself.

Maki traces the carvings again. The sun and moon lay, resting in the gold of her rings, waiting to cross orbit with one another again.

With a sigh she shuts her eyes and pictures him again, remembering a smile that brightened her life. Each nightmare she has of his is jarring, it makes her guts twist and breathing hard as if she is inhaling tar itself.

But the world has not ended yet. Maki still has more to do.

[34. wishing you could be with me every step of the way]

Time passes quicker than Maki expects it too.

Scars collect on her body, unwanted keepsakes she's slowly gained over the year until finally, she has enough to continue.

Two rings lay comfortably on her hands, unmoved.

She marches forward, along, searching for someone long gone.

College is the same, it passes in a blur. Her roommate, Fukawa Touko, is thankfully not nosy if only a bit annoying, but the two form a steady friendship.

Coffee on the table, breakfast between them both, silently eating.

"S-so… A-are you married or something?" Touko stammers one morning. Maki blinks, glancing up at the aspiring author. She sets down her chopsticks.

"No," she answers apathetically. Touko's nose wrinkles.

"O-of course y-you aren't. I s-should've figured. N-no one l-likes a frigid bitch," she notes, nodding to herself. Maki would've gotten hostile at the comment if she didn't know Touko usually acts like this. "W-what're the wedding rings for, then? T-trying to ward off others? M-make it seem like someone w-would actually want to marry you?"

Maki frowns, glancing towards the rings on her callused hands.

"They're..." she pauses again, staring quietly, "...Directions."

"S-sure, and I-I'm M-Maizono Sayaka. D-do you think I'm stupid? Y-you do, don't you!? W-well, fine, I-I'll have you know—!"

"I don't think you're stupid," Maki interrupts, glancing up from her hands, "But that's what they are. Directions."

Touko frowns, scrutinizing Maki for a bit. "O-okay. So it seems I-I was correct. Y-you're hair really i-is a separate e-entity. Y-you're some sort of Futakuchi-onna, aren't y-you? Th-that or y-you're suffering some t-terrible PTSD—"

"Fukawa," interjects Maki, giving her a look. Her easily anxious roommate simmers down, fidgeting with her coffee mug. "If you're going to act like that then it's not worth talking about."

She squawks, looking insulted. "A-are you saying I-I'm n-not worth sharing with? I knew it! Y-you hate me, don't you? Th-think I'm—!"

"No," sighs Maki, twirling a strand of hair on her finger. "I just meant if you started freaking out like that, you'd be late on getting to your next class. Which you are now, by the way," Maki states.

Touko blinks, glancing towards the clock. She squawks again when she sees what time it is before bolting off, spilling coffee all over the table that Maki will clean up for her.

Soon Touko is gone and Maki is left in the silence of their dorm. She doesn't have morning classes, but she'd never broken the habit of waking up early. With a sigh, she glances at her rings once more.

Come find me.

She will. She just wishes she wasn't alone.

[35. and we achieve dreams for the fools who couldn't]

"Are ya' that fast at push-ups 'cause ya' spent like three years in the fuckin' army?" Kazuichi asks, staring at her like she's grown another head.

Maki stops her push-ups and gives him a sharp look, sitting up with one leg tucked against her chest.

"Maybe you should stop asking and finish your counts, Souda," she snaps, tightening the tie at the back of her head, deciding not to correct him. "Before Nekomaru comes over here and yells at you."

"Nah, Nekomaru's too busy competin' with Owari," Kazuichi states, gesturing across the room to where Nekomaru Nidai, their trainer, is having a jump-rope competition of all things with Owari Akane, another one of the trainers.

Maki wants to facepalm but resists the urge to do so.

"Whatever, I'm done with my reps so I'm hitting the bunks. You better finish up yours, Souda, I don't want a fool like you slacking once we get on the ship," Maki growls, standing up. She spends a single moment to stretch her back before continuing on her way.

There are a few footsteps, and suddenly Kazuichi is beside her. She huffs. What a fucking idiot.

"You didn't even try to finish your reps," she grumbles under her breath.

"Hey, I'm going 'cause I'm the engineer-mechanics king and if the ship gets fucked in the ass while we're in space I'll be able to fix it. Don't get yer' tits in a twist, sweetheart, I don't need to exercise," Kazuichi states, looking a bit proud of himself.

Maki pauses and then swings a leg straight into the back of his knee, causing him to crumble like a house of cards in a hurricane.

"Oh no," she states, voice devoid of emotion. "A small asteroid hit Souda Kazuichi aboard Ship Red-Sun and he was flung into space, never to be seen again."

"Ow, fuckin'... That's why they got attachment cables alright? Kami, woman, ya' could've made yer' point without the fuckin' kick," he grumbles, clambering back onto his feet.

"It pays to be prepared," Maki states, eyes narrowed. "Anything's possible."

She thought he'd leave her alone but instead, he follows still. She sighs, stopping and turning to him.

"Is there something else you need, Souda-san?"

He shrugs. "I dunno, jus' kinda wanted to ask 'bout why yer' here," he answers honestly, rubbing the back of his neck in a gesture that's painfully familiar.

"That's none of your business. And regardless of what's your business or not, why the hell would you want to know?" She snaps, narrowing her eyes on him. He shrugs.

"'Cause ya' don't look like the type'a girl to be an astronaut, ya' feel?" He exclaims. Maki stares at him blankly.

No. She doesn't 'feel', or however one must reject the saying.

"I mean, military 'n' all, small, long hair—How the hell are ya' gonna maintain that in space?—ya' barely passed engineering requirements it's honestly a wonder they even let ya' in. I heard ya' requested so many times they just gave up and let ya' join," he rambles.

Maki doesn't answer him, just glances at the two rings on her fingers.

Come find me.

"...Why I'm here should be none of your concern," Maki murmurs back coldly.

Kazuichi huffs. "Fine, whatever, be that way," he grumbles, turning and stalking off. From behind her, she hears him getting yelled at by Nidai, finally caught slacking off.

She gazes at the rings, scratched up a bit from the years of wearing.

"...I'm coming."

[36. i stared into the nothingness and you called out]

Outside of the earth's atmosphere, there are no stars and Maki floats quietly in the interior of the ship, looking through the tiny glass window into the nothingness of it all.

Space is incredibly vast and seems empty except for earth which is prominent against the darkened void. It floats, all blues, greens, browns and grays, twisting slowly on its axis.

From out here, she realizes how incredibly small the world is, and in turn, how incredibly small she is. She rubs the carvings of the rings as she watches their slow descent (ascent?) further into space.

Somewhere on the blue-green-brown-gray orb lays Shuuichi. Somewhere there is Kaede, Kokichi, Touko, Mukuro, Kiibo, Rantarou, Miu and the others. Somewhere on that sphere of color, Kaito used to be. Her hands clench into tighter fists and she bites her lip.

"Oi, Harukawa?"

She turns. Kazuichi stares at her, concern in his magenta eyes.

"Sumimasen, if 'm botherin' ya' 'n' all but ya' seemed a bit… Out of it," he states, "Wanted to make sure ya' were okay."

"...I'm fine," she answers, glancing back out into the nothingness of space. It should be Kaito here, not her. And yet she stands here still, the one with no dreams, left to carry on the will of a dead man.

"Well, good," Kazuichi replies, cracking a shark-toothed smile. "Wouldn't uh, Wouldn't want no small asteroid to hit ya' while yer' distracted. Send ya' tumblin' into space, never to be seen again," he proclaims dramatically, wiping away an imaginary tear for effect.

She muffles a giggle by biting her lip but is unable to stop her lips from twitching into a small smile.

"We both know that will be you, not me," she states and slowly allows herself to float away from the small window. Kazuichi huffs, opening his mouth to argue when someone interrupts.

"Are you two bickering again?" grumbles Yasuhiro, poking his head out from the other room. In zero gravity his stiff dreadlocks float. Maki would laugh if she wasn't a stoic woman.

Kazuichi pauses, glancing from Maki to Yasuhiro. "Ya' know, actually, I always wondered why they let Harukawa on but how the fuck did you get here Hagakure?" he grumbles, pushing himself off the wall and floating towards Yasuhiro.

Yasuhiro seems alarmed at the question and he rubs the back of his neck nervously as he tries to come up with a good answer.

"Wh-what? Uh, well—"

Maki chuckles once they're both too distracted to notice and shakes her head. Idiots.

She glances towards the window again, staring into the vast emptiness of space.

Come find me.

The game of hide and seek is almost over.

[37. you found me]

Sleeping in space is odd. You hang in the air, tucked beneath your blankets, strapped in place to avoid bumping into the machinery yet hovering ever so slightly. There's something about it that's soothing to Maki, the way she drifts in the nothingness and the darkness of the sleeping cabin almost makes her feel as if she really is in space. The galaxy rocks her to sleep in her little spaceship.

The moment she opens her eyes again she knows she is dreaming—For it is impossible to see stars without the atmosphere. And with more logic than just that, it is impossible to float in space without a suit of some sort, drifting helplessly through the glittering light.

She feels a bit groggy, glancing down at her hands where two golden rings sparkle. She moves her fingers one by one and blinks slowly as she awakens to the reality of the mindscape.

She's in her high school uniform again and she almost laughs. What she wouldn't do to be in high school again, enjoying being a teenager, beside her best friends feeling almost immortal but knowing just how fragile she'd truly been. But that's not important at the moment, once she's done observing herself she finally looks around.

You'd think in space, in this false reality, floating in a twinkling nothingness, earth only a speck in the distance, you would be alone. Maki is not alone.

Before her floats someone else, a boy she once knew. He wears his favorite outfit. The one that is a softer purple but darker lilac lined with a space-pattern on the inside of his jacket. With purple hair and eyes to match, the brightest smile in the universe that glitters like the sun and the other stars and the moon as well. A smile that is directed at her, one that is loving and longing.

"Harumaki,"

She stares quietly and he stares back.

"...Kaito,"

There's a stillness in this vast, fake nothingness but it's calming. Somehow being in his presence, if only a dream, is relaxing, like rubbing the carvings on her rings.

"You're here," he laughs, "In space."

"It should've been you," she replies softly, "It should've been you, here, in space with the others."

He waves his hand dismissively. "Didn't I tell you before?" he snorts, crossing his arms, "I'd come to the stars when I passed. Looks like you were listening."

"...I was always listening," she murmurs, watching him sadly. "I never forgot it."

They sit in silence, observing one another. It's been years and they drink in the sight of one another, although they remain unchanged from the last time they'd seen one another save for Maki's rings. Kaito doesn't bear witness to the various scars she's gained and Maki will never see the paleness of his skin, the sunken glaze of his eyes as death claimed him. Perhaps that is a good thing.

Finally, Maki speaks up.

"...You know, you're terrible at proposing, idiot," she informs him, throat dry. She doesn't make eye-contact. "You don't just leave the rings in a shoe box and then... And then die. That's stupid."

"Are you really criticizing me now?" he whines, looking exasperated and dumbfound "We are in space, Harumaki, and that's what you're criticizing me on?"

"I-I'm just..." She huffs, pouting and puffing up her cheeks with frustration. "What am I supposed to say?" she growls, "'Oh, hey, you're dead but I'm still in love with you'? It's pitiful. This is… And now I'm having some sort of hallucination-dream and the sad part is I know it's a dream and I still won't let myself wake up."

A pause.

"A-and what are we even supposed to talk about? You're dead, that's definitely not a good conversation starter and—"

"Y'know this is the most I've ever heard you talk at once," chuckles Kaito, floating towards her. Once close enough he ruffles her hair affectionately and she makes a sort of growling noise in the back of her throat.

Hesitantly she reaches out and touches him. He's warm as if he were still alive with her.

"...We miss you," she mumbles, "Shuuichi, Kaede, Ouma… I miss you."

"Gomen," he apologizes, "I can't be there with you anymore."

"Don't be sorry," she huffs, puffing out her cheeks again. "it's not like you… It's not like you asked to die. It was just the world being unfair and… And..."

She trails off, gripping his shirt a bit tighter. It feels real. He feels real. She wishes the dream could last forever, floating in space with the boy she loves who is long, long gone.

"...Harumaki, not that I'm not glad to see you, but what are you doing out here?" he inquires quietly, tucking her against him in a hug. She holds on, remembering the days she took it for granted. "Space was never your dream."

"I don't… I don't have a dream, Kaito," she murmurs into his chest, "I never had one. And then you died and I… I don't know. I just wanted to cling to every piece of you left."

He buries his face into the top of her head, cradling her. "That's alright, it's natural, isn't it? To cling to the fragments. I did it when my parents passed. But this is different. I want you to be happy, not to blindly follow after me."

She doesn't answer and slowly he pulls away, tugging on her shoulders a bit so she floats up to his height.

"But nothing did that," she whimpers, "You made me happy, idiot, and you're dead."

"Gee, we keep playing the 'I'm dead' card can we just, y'know, stop bringing that up?" he grumbles, tucking some hair behind her ear. "Just 'cause I'm gone doesn't mean you can rule out your happily ever after dammit. Anything's possible, remember? You just gotta make it so."

She lifts her hand, grabbing a hold of Kaito's and giving it a short squeeze. "I know," she affirms, glancing away shamefully.

"Was it fun though?" he asks, tilting his head. "Getting here? Coming to space?"

Maki thinks back on it. She wants to answer no because without Kaito nothing ever felt fun, nothing ever really felt happy after he passed. But then she'd be lying.

"...Yeah," she admits quietly as she thinks back on it.

Maybe space had never been her dream, but following it had made her happy. She'd met Ikusaba Mukuro in the army who'd become one of her closest confidants along with Shuuichi. She'd met Fukawa Touko who, despite sometimes being a real pain, is rather nice to be around. Becoming an astronaut had led her to reunite with her former Senpai, Hagakure Yasuhiro, had led her to meet Souda Kazuichi, a fool with a big heart who looks to the best of her. Little programmer Fujisaki Chihiro who genuinely cares for everyone and is wonderful company. Obnoxious trainers Nekomaru Nidai and Owari Akane had become her friends as well, whether she'd say it aloud or not.

And Kaito had been right all those years ago, despite the vast nothingness of it all, Space is beautiful, marvelous. And she is one of the few who will travel into its depths, unraveling each secret of the universe.

Kaito smiles brightly again. "Good, then this wasn't all in vain," he states with a nod.

Maki grips his hand tighter. "It'd never be in vain. You're here."

"What will you do after space?" he questions curiously.

"...Go back home," she replies thoughtfully, "See Shuuichi and the others. It's been a while. Maybe I'll go back to space again. When it's all over… I think I'll settle down as a caretaker back at my old orphanage."

"You always were a softie with the kids," he chuckles.

"Hush," she chides sarcastically, "You'll ruin my reputation."

He snorts, laughing at her incredibly serious expression. Once he stops they float in comfortable silence, basking in each other's presence. His fingers rub the ring on her finger, their hands still connected.

"...You're wearin' 'em," he observes softly, a smile lighting his face.

"They were my directions, after all," she muses back apathetically. Kaito glances back up at her.

"Directions to what?"

"To you."

"'Cause that's where I'll be, y'know? A star, somewhere up there."

Kaito's hand tightens on hers. "I love you, y'know that right?"

"...Yeah," she murmurs, gripping back just as tightly. "I know."

"What? No 'I love you too'?" he complains, pouting.

She rolls her eyes, biting back a groan. "Do you always have to ruin the moment, idiot?" she retorts, giving him a look.

"Oh c'mon, do you or do you not?" Kaito demands, shaking her lightly. "I've been dead for how long? I'd like an answer."

"I thought we weren't playing the 'You're dead' card anymore?" she reminds him innocently.

"Harumaki stop avoiding the question I know you're getting smug about this so spill," he huffs, pouting more.

"I already told you, earlier," she recalls, one hand reaching out and touching his face. Her fingers trace his jaw and he leans into her touch, watching. "I love you, still."

He grins, a light fluster spreading across his cheeks. He looks incredibly bashful for a dead man.

"I shouldn't be happy, y'know?" he informs her, "You need to move on but I'm incredibly happy 'cause I love you. Kami, I love you," he babbles, reaching out and touching her face as well, cupping her cheeks in his hands.

"I love you too, idiot," she mumbles, tugging him closer.

They move to kiss each other when Kaito miscalculates and accidentally slams his nose into Maki's. They both yip, jolting away and Kaito gives her a sheepish look.

"I, uh, Gomen," he laughs and Maki sighs, rolling her eyes again and tugging him forward.

And then their lips meet. His arms wrap tightly around her waist and her arms wrap around his neck. There's a desperation between the two, clinging and holding to one another for as long as possible, hopelessly longing for the affection that they had never dared to breach in the physical world.

One hand tangles in Maki's hair, another cradles Kaito's jaw and they float in a glimmering vastness, the world they know miles and miles away leaving them isolated with no one but each other. And for now, that is all they can truly ask for.

Although she had long ago forbade herself from crying over Kaito years ago, two thin lines of water streak down her cheeks. Whether they are tears of happiness or sadness is unknown as salt dances on the edge of their lips.

They pull away after a while, breathing heavily although it is unnecessary. Lips swollen, eyes adoring, they stare quietly at one another.

"Meet you in the next life, yeah?" he mutters.

"...Yes," she agrees, dipping her head once.

They share a brief kiss again and then press their foreheads together. Their time runs short but both are content with whatever fate or coincidence have given them.

"...I found you," Maki murmurs after a second, and a rare smile flickers to her lips, her tears twinkling like stardust in the glittering lights around.

Kaito smiles back, holding her closer. He nods, a small chuckle dropping from his lips. "...You found me."

Maki wakes up.

[0. restart]

there are more lives between us,

and I await the day our happy ending comes,

this life or the next

i'll love you in all the ways I can.

[1. a different timeline yet I love you all the same]

"Harumaki, you okay?"

Maki breaks out of her thoughts, turning away from the sky of stars, none of which are familiar. Of course, they aren't familiar, she isn't the ultimate astronaut and certainly isn't the ultimate astronomer.

Kaito watches her with concern and she wonders why he is so worried about her. All she'd been doing was staring at the sky. He cares too much about her. He cares too much about a killer.

"Idiot," she grumbles, turning back towards the sky. "I'm fine."

Her eyes scour over the stars again. She can't find Orion's belt.

(Why does she want to find Orion's belt?)

"You looked troubled," explains Kaito, "So I got a lil' worried."

"You don't have to be," Maki informs, "As I said, I'm fine."

"People can say stuff 'n' not mean it," Kaito points out.

"What could I gain from lying to you?" she questions, turning back to him with narrowed eyes. "I'm not Ouma, I don't find enjoyment in pointless things like that."

"I dunno," shrugs Kaito, "Like you said, 'It's easier to nod along than refuse'. Or something like that."

She doesn't answer, just stares into the indigo mixed with deep violet. The night sky is so gorgeous. She wishes that she could've admired it more back when she'd been outside of the killing game.

…

Had she ever been outside of a killing game? Because that's essentially her job. To kill and get away with it. Perhaps the killing game is like the real world, a little too similar for Maki's liking at least. It startles her, just a bit.

"Harumaki?"

She glances back towards Kaito.

"You did it again," he muses with a frown. "Ya' got that troubled look on your face."

"...I was thinking about life outside of all this," she answers apathetically. She doesn't mention how eerily familiar all this is to her own talent. "What will we do when this is all over? Just forgetting about this doesn't seem like an option."

"We move on," Kaito states, turning towards the sky, "And we live on."

"Not all of us will make it to the end," she points out, a bitter taste on her lips. "What will we do then?"

"Survive, dammit! You're not getting anywhere with that pessimistic attitude!" Kaito scowls, crossing his arms as he turns back to her.

"Assuming we all escape," Maki begins, "what will we do with our talents?"

"I'm still going to space," Kaito affirms, "No one's stopping me from doing that."

Maki doesn't open her mouth. So she'll be forced into killing others again once this is all over? Somehow the real world suddenly feels less appealing than this one. In the killing game, she has the choice to she kill or not and the choice of who deserves it or not. Outside there is no choice. It's kill or let the orphanage children suffer. She's made her sacrifice, now she has to follow through with it.

"And me?"

It falls from her lips before she can hold it in. Instantly she turns away. Kaito goes quiet as he thinks deeply.

"And you'll be with Saihara 'n' I!" Kaito exclaims, snapping a finger. Maki turns to him, bewildered. Does he really think he can go up against an entire assassination organization? What kind of fool—

"If you think we're letting you go back to that assassin cult or whatever, you're delusional! We're getting outta here together and we're gonna face the world again together too," Kaito claims, nodding to his own words.

Maki's chest tightens. It's optimistic, terribly optimistic but she likes it. She likes the idea of getting out of here and being by his side. And Saihara's by default too, but he's good company so she doesn't really mind.

"...Okay," Maki mumbles, allowing herself one nod. "Alright."

Kaito beams down at her and then unexpectedly tugs her into a hug, just like when he had gotten startled by the idea of a curse a few days ago. She makes an incomprehensible noise as she's pulled towards him, smothered in his affection.

Despite how his affection feels almost overwhelming Maki likes it. She likes the way his arms feel secure around her and the way he's incredibly warm. When was the last time she'd had any positive human contact with a person before the killing games?

Slowly her arms lift and hug him too, gripping the back of his jacket and she lets herself melt into his embrace. She'll deny it later, spout that she just went along with it because putting up a fight would be troublesome but both will know that's a lie. And she'll be okay with that.

Something about this feels familiar which is crazy because she's an assassin who's gone without something as simple as a proper hug for years. She brushes it off in favor of savoring the warmth he gives her.

Maki decides she wants to stay by his side. When they leave this place, she'll be with him and Shuuichi every step of the way. She'll finally be free of the misery all her assassinations have brought her and others. They'll all be together, happy and caring for one another.

And then she'll let herself love without limitation.

—

[29. in what life do you stay by my side?]

Cleaning duty leaves Maki feeling more worn than ever. These days it's hard to find the motivation to do anything at all. She strides forward slowly, well aware that her feet ache and so do her legs and her entire body. Her eyes feel ready to close at any moment and she knows deep bags paint the undersides of her eyes.

Every time she closes her eyes she sees him, blood decorating the edge of his lips until that's all there is—Blood. With a long exhale she pauses, leaning against the closest building and trying to regulate her breathing. The sky is gray and Maki watches the clouds around gather, darkening ominously.

She digs through her gakusei kaban, looking for a brightly colored package full of sugar candy. Eventually, she finds it beneath her math history journal and tugs it out, trying to not rip the packaging any more than necessary.

These days she eats more often and has limited how much konpeitō she consumes. After eating a few pieces she begins walking, the pink plastic packaging crinkling merrily in her grip, swaying with the movements of her stride.

She reaches the orphanage again, standing outside for a few moments as she stares into its glass doors. Her reflection pitifully stares back. Her hair's a mess, eyes sunken in with dark bags and skin far paler than normal. She purses her lips but ignores her condition, gripping her bag of treats a bit harder as she tries to convince herself that everything is fine.

She gets so caught up in trying to force herself into believing she's alright that she bumps into someone. She snaps back to attention, bowing after stepping away.

"Sumimasen," she apologizes, straightening back up. Lifting up so quickly makes her dizzy but she manages to control herself. "I wasn't looking where I was..."

She trails off, eyes widening as she stares into beautiful purple eyes. Kaito's eyes. No, it isn't Kaito, but rather his grandmother, Momota Chieko. Despite her age, her eyes twinkle with youth as well as a lingering heartbreak. Maki cannot blame her, she lost her grandson, has she not?

Her silver hair, light atop her head, is pulled into a fraying bun, held together with a purple tie. She wears a matching cardigan and a lilac sweater. Her face is filled with soft wrinkles, draping over the corners of her eyes and mouth, a single mole on her forehead prominent on her paling skin. Chieko stares at Maki and her purple eyes widen with recognition. She nods with a soft smile.

"Konnichiwa, Harukawa-chan, dear," Chieko greets with a halting bow. She looks like a sapling straining against a hurricane's winds, her body bent but quivering each second she does so before slowly straightening up again.

"Momota-san," Maki murmurs back with a formal bow. The speed at which she does so makes her dizzy again. In her state, she really isn't cut out for pushing herself.

"How've you been, dear? I apologize that we haven't been able to get back to you the..." Chieko trials off, a solemn look in her eyes, "...The funeral planning has been keeping us busy."

She had been expecting this but her breath hitches and her stomach drops. The funeral. Oh kami. Still, Chieko is a grieving grandmother and Maki cannot just stand here forever, lost in her thoughts as she spirals further down. She wants to swallow the entire bag of konpeitō at once, even if it means throwing up afterward. She wants something to distract her.

"...Okuyami mōshiagemasu," Maki finally replies, breaking through the haze of her thoughts that yell in discord.

Chieko shakes her head sadly. "It is alright," she murmurs, offering out a hand to Maki. Maki takes in and Chieko grips her tightly as if she needs a support beam. Maki isn't the best option but she will offer what she can. Chieko's lips tremble and tears fill the corner of her purple eyes. "It was… For the best. It was what he wanted."

Maki feels queasy. She wants to cry and throw-up and sleep forever.

Before she can open her mouth to respond a crash sounds from the living room and Maki hears multiple childish voices yell out and argue. With a sigh, she turns to Chieko.

"Sumimasen, the children appear to be causing trouble," Maki states, excusing herself. Chieko follows along however but Maki makes no move to stop her.

The living room isn't messy, but the kids are arguing as assumed. Suzume stands closest to Maki, back turned as she stomps her tiny foot. Little brat.

"But it's been so long!" she wails, stomping her foot again. "It's my turn ta' be with 'm!"

"You're hoggin' 'im!" Takashi yells back, crossing his arms. "He agreed to play astronauts with me!"

"I don't care!" screams Suzume, "I wanna be with Momota-nii! I wanna be with Momota-nii!"

"Stop shoutin', I'm sure we can figure something out," chuckles another voice. A voice Maki hasn't heard in what feels like forever. Her head snaps towards the source.

There he stands, in the middle of the children who cling to his pants and jacket sleeves, tugging insistently. Before it would've annoyed her but now an indescribable bewilderment and shock chills her core.

He's alive, laughing and hearty, if not a bit paler than he used to be the last time she'd seen him. She can remember that moment by heart, how he'd driven her to the train station in his grandfather's truck. How they had sat in silence at the parking lot, holding hands for a few minutes until Maki had to let go. Until Maki had to release the flickering embers of warmth he could give her, trying desperately to snuff the flame of her affections for a boy dying.

How she'd glanced back to see him watching her from his seat in the truck, smiling sadly and she had felt her heartbreak as the moon cast a silver glow over his face. Starlight twinkled in his eyes, even from a distance. She hadn't ever wanted to stop looking. She hadn't wanted to board the train, knowing it might be the last time she'd see him.

And now here he is. Awkwardly being fought over by the children. His purple hair is slicked upwards in his usual, crazy up-do, his purple eyes no longer tired or pained from struggling to breathe in a losing battle.

"But you just got back!" Whines Mika, tugging on his pant leg, "From the stars 'n' everything! We wanna hear all about it!"

Kaito looks confused. "What? Wait, who told you that?"

Mika huffs, irritated. "Mou, it was—"

Maki drops the bag of konpeitō as her entire body goes numb. It scatters against the floor noisily, colorful sugar stars bouncing on the shoddy concrete flooring loudly. It catches the yelling children's attention instantly. But not just them, Kaito's as well. He turns to her and their gazes lock.

"Maki-nee-chan!" cheers Takashi. Everyone turns to face her in the doorway. She's gone as pale as a ghost, eyes stuck on Kaito only. "Look, look! Momota-nii-chan's back from the stars!"

There's silence as all the children wait for her to react. But she doesn't. Only stands there, still as ever, staring wordlessly at the boy she thought dead. Her head whirls. Funeral. There's a funeral. So why is Kaito here? How on earth is Kaito alive? Not that she isn't immensely relieved that he is, but after the whole month of heartbreak, of believing him to be dead, it's hard for him to pop back into her life without warning.

"Harumaki," Kaito calls out to her and she takes a step back, flinching violently.

Is he real? Or is she imagining? Has her lack of sleep finally caught up with her? The horrible, terrible idea that she might be hallucinating is too much for her. If this is all a vivid dream she's imagined again, just like the one night weeks ago, she'll lose her mind.

He begins to walk towards her and she takes another step back wishing whatever kind of twisted Kami out there would end this. Would stop playing with her like this. It isn't fair. It isn't—

Kaito steps over the konpeitō scattered on the floor, crushing them underfoot as he grows closer. Maki's heart thrums so violently she thinks it might explode in her chest. His hand reaches out and his fingers brush her jaw and cheeks.

He's warm. Unbearably so. The month he has been gone has felt like winter and the touch he provides feels as though the snow has given way and melted to spring.

"See?!" chirps Takashi excitedly, but Maki pays him little thought. "Momota-nii's back!"

Maki's own hand reaches out and brushes over his chest, palm resting over his heart. She feels it. Barely there beneath her fingertips, a heartbeat.

"...Harumaki?"

And then her body moves.

She throws herself at him with such speed that he stumbles backward, crashing downwards as he struggles to hold her steady. She wraps her arms tightly around his neck and buries her face into his shoulder, hands gripping tightly onto him as she straddles his legs to be closer.

He's warm. So, so warm. Greedily she takes in his heat and breathes in his scent and she trembles in his arms. He's alive. He's alive.

"Well I'm glad to see you too," he laughs, hugging her back. Maki doesn't reply, just buries her face deeper into his shoulder.

"See! See! You don't haf'ta be sad 'nymore, Maki-nee 'cause Momota-nii's back!" Takashi explains, jumping up and down, face lighting up. "'Cause Akamatsu-san said you were sad 'cause Momota-nii was gone but now he's back so you can be happy again!"

Kaito pulls back, looking at her. "You thought I was gone?" he questions, raising a brow, "Didn't I tell you? This lil' illness ain't gonna take down the great Momota Kaito, luminary of the stars!"

"You were gone for over a month," she hisses, voice hoarse. "You didn't call, didn't let us know anything," she bites her lip to prevent a curse, "what was I supposed to think? Kami, I thought you were dead."

She chokes, burying herself back into his shoulder and gripping onto him. Kaito softens, realizing the impact that his silence has put his friends through. He rocks them back and forth, trying to soothe her.

"Gomen, a lot happened but I'm back now, okay? Harumaki, hey, it'll be alright," He reassures, stroking her hair. She nods into his chest after a while, trying her best to believe him.

At the moment, in his arms, Maki thinks she doesn't need anything else.

[30. things between us that must be said aloud]

He explains things to her and the others the following week, having a little get together at his house to tell them all.

The two first weeks he was gone was spent in the local hospital undergoing intense chemo in hopes of flushing out the cancer once and for all. As predicted, it hadn't worked and Kaito was close to death when his transplant arrived.

Here's where the funeral comes in.

The funeral is for his grandfather, Yoshinori, who had committed suicide in order to donate his lungs to Kaito for a transplant. Of course Kaito and Chieko-san had been utterly devastated and at first, Kaito had wanted to refuse the lungs but what's done is done, and Chieko reminded him that Yoshinori had died to save Kaito.

So Kaito got his transplant and was moved to the hospital in a farther city where a profession nurse/surgeon on the rise by the name of Tsumiki Mikan was willing to do the surgery under such short notice. He tells her, hushed, that there's a likely chance had he not been moved under Mikan's care that he would've died during the surgery. And then the rest of the time away was spent recovering and then planning out the funeral.

And now they sit in his room, having finished the get together perhaps an hour ago. Maki and Shuuichi are left to stay the night and they chill out, eating pizza as a midnight snack.

"...Do you guy's wanna see it?" Kaito asks suddenly causing Maki and Shuuichi to give him a confused glance.

"See what?" Shuuichi breaches slowly, raising a brow as he sets down his plate on the ground beside him.

"The scar," he informs, already lifting his shirt before either can give an answer. He chucks his white T-shirt off and lifts his left arm, showing the thin, milky white scar on his side that curves all the way to his back, a little below his shoulder blades.

Maki pauses, staring at the healed wound.

"Did it hurt?" she questions before she can stop herself. She nearly face-palms. No, it didn't, he'd probably been on pain medication and knocked right out.

"I mean before the surgery? Hurt like a fuckin' bitch. I was high on so many pain meds. I thought I was gonna die like that," Rambles Kaito, finger tracing the beginning of the healed incision.

Shuuichi and Maki tense up at his words. The notion of his death still scares both of them to the core.

"...But you didn't," Maki adds, more of a reassurance to herself if anything.

"But I didn't," parrots Kaito, more confidence in his voice.

Shuuichi opens his mouth to speak but suddenly his phone goes off. He huffs, glancing towards the screen to see the caller ID is his uncles.

"It feels like I'm always leaving at an important time," mumbles Shuuichi under his breath before quickly excusing himself and scampering into the hallway to answer the phone.

Maki watches him leave and then turns back to Kaito, eyeing the scar. Hesitantly she reaches out and touches it. Kaito blinks, turning to her, watching how her lips curve downwards as her fingers trace the line of milky-white skin.

"What's wrong?" he inquires, tilting his head. Maki bites her lip harder, shrugging in response. It's not that the scar bothers her it's just she wishes he'd never had to suffer so much. Wishes he didn't have to face watching his parents die before contracting an incurable disease and then bidding his friends goodbye, thinking it'd be the last time only for his grandfather and caretaker to shoot himself in order to provide Kaito a future.

Kaito deserves more than what the world is giving him. This constant trial of a hard life. She wonders how Kaito stays positive when the world has been unnecessarily cruel towards him. Taking away his parents, his own lungs and then his grandfather.

"What then, do you wanna kiss it all better?" chuckles Kaito, wiggling his brows suggestively as he takes a bite of his pizza.

Maki glances up from the scar to look at him and all the affection she's ever harbored for him rushes through her in that single instant. She loves him. Kami, she loves him and he'd almost died.

He tilts his head again, seeing as she's fallen into somewhat of a trance as she stares at him. He sets his pizza back on his plate, forgetting to wipe the tomato sauce left smeared on the edge of his lips.

He reaches out, shaking her shoulder.

"Harumaki? Yo, you there?" he states, knocking on her forehead teasingly.

Maki's hand drops from his side as she focuses on that thought, eyes watching him beam down at her warmly. He looks incredibly dorky with sauce smudged on the edges of his lips, the way his hair is messed up around his face, the hair-spray finally beginning to lose its luster. And then his caring grin.

Her thoughts remind her of how barely a week ago she'd thought him to be dead. How she thought she'd never see this smile or hear his terrible jokes or experience the warmth he could provide. Reminds herself of how just those few weeks had felt like hell without him.

The dream from weeks ago returns. The dream where things had gone exactly the same, where she'd confessed in the rain and then woken up alone and cold rather than warm. How terrible it had felt knowing she hadn't said anything, how she'd let him slip from his fingers without trying to even truly hold on.

And if she were to confess now and he didn't love her? That would be selfish. That would be incredibly selfish. Kaito has undergone probably the most stressful and life-threatening month of his life and here she would be, adding to the burden by forcing her affections onto him?

But the separation has made her selfish. Has made her want his affections more than anything. Maybe he doesn't love her back but she's just as tired of carrying this burden, this weighing, aching feeling of wanting more than this—Of wanting to hold him longer than friends should, of wanting to kiss him and stay by his side, not just as a companion.

Perhaps it isn't selfishness, perhaps it is self-respect. Perhaps in the weeks he had left, Maki found the small bit of independence she'd always needed. Around Kaito she'd held back, she'd thought less of what she could offer and with him gone she'd come to realize that hadn't mattered—What had mattered was that she was willing to offer in the first place, that she was willing to give herself all to him if he'd let her.

And her feelings now, she knows, are worth something. They don't deserve to be pushed aside any longer and she knows now both of them must face it. The sooner, the better.

"...I love you," she admits out of the blue.

Kaito blinks, looking a bit surprised before replying. "Yeah, I love you too, Harumaki,"

"No," she argues, standing up and dusting the crumbs off her skirt. She glances back to him. "Kaito, I love you."

He stares at her, perplexed. "Harumaki, I know, that's why I—"

She makes a noise of annoyance in the back of her throat and then places her hands on abruptly his shoulders, cutting him off. He glances from her hands back to her face just as she leans down and plants her lips on his.

The tomato sauce smudged on his mouth gets on her lips as she chastely kisses him. Nothing but a quick press of lips on lips. And then she pulls away, hands still on his shoulders, staring him in the eye.

"I love you," she repeats, stressing each word.

When he doesn't answer, stuck in some sort of daze, she clears her throat, straightening up and turning to leave. "I'm going to the restroom. I'll be—"

Before she can take another step, Kaito grabs her wrist and yanks her back, causing her to fall onto the bed, sprawled on her back. She's momentarily stunned and when she comes to she finds Kaito's face has flustered bright red, eyes wide.

"Y-you… H-hold on!" Kaito stammers, "Y-you can't just fuckin'…! Drop that on me and then go take a piss—!"

"You really do know how to ruin a moment," she groans, burying her face in her hands. Slowly her face begins to heat up and her skin feels like it's burning.

This isn't the expected reaction. Perhaps surprise, but Kaito had handled being confessed to much differently. She'd seen some of her classmates at school admit their affections and she'd watch, slightly impressed, at how well Kaito would take the situation, making sure to turn them down gently.

It's probably because none of them are his best friend. It's probably because none of them have kissed him.

"Sumimasen," she apologizes from beneath her fingers, "You're going through a lot at the moment, it was selfish of me to confess. But after I… After I thought you were dead I just wanted to let you know." She gulps, dropping her hands away from her face. She makes eye contact only for a second before turning away, flustering more. "I… Don't know how you feel about me, but if you can't accept my feelings that's fine. I just didn't want to keep it from you any longer and I… Respect myself enough now that I didn't want to keep pushing my feelings aside."

There are a few moments of brief silence and they can hear the murmur of Shuuichi in the hallway, still talking on the phone.

"...How long?" Kaito asks, adam's apple bobbing as he swallows thickly. "...How long have you… Loved me?"

"...I honestly don't know," she replies after a moment of thought. "I think I gradually realized I wanted to be with you. I guess once it got to the point where I'd push other things aside just to be with you that it became rather clear."

There's stillness. Still uncomfortable, but a little less tense.

And then Kaito laughs. Maki jolts, turning towards him with a frown as he muffles his mirth into his hand. She flusters more, feeling embarrassed and somewhat ashamed. Is he laughing at her feelings for him? It pisses her off.

"Do you want to die?" she huffs, glaring. "Why on earth are you laughing?"

Kaito takes a moment to breathe, staring down at her with a bright grin before he leans over her and plants his lips on her's. It's her turn to freeze, stunned with how the situation has switched. He pulls away after a few seconds, leaning above her.

"I love you," he confesses, blush still prominent on his skin. "Harumaki, I love you."

For a moment the whole world stops and it's just them. It's just her and Kaito. Only them.

"That's not weird, is it?" he chuckles, growing nervous when she still hasn't replied, "I mean, you said it too 'n' I've loved you for a while now 'nd... Shit, I'm rambling. Gomen. I just… Fuck, can I kiss you again?"

She can hear her own heartbeat and her hands reach upwards, resting on the back of his head and pressing gently as she nods. He follows her wordless demand and kisses her again.

A part of her thinks maybe this is going too quickly but another part reasons that she had almost lost him, she'd thought he was dead days earlier, kissing him now is the least problematic issue at hand. Besides, she already knows they'd crossed the line of friendship long ago, whether or not either will admit it aloud.

He leans over her more, resting on his forearm to steady himself above her as their lips begin to move together. Her other hand rests on his nape, lazily running through the short hairs on his neck as their mouths remain connected.

She only pauses once, pulling away to wipe the rest of the tomato sauce off the side of his mouth before resuming the kiss. Kaito complies, his other free hand caressing the side of her face, holding her head steady.

His tongue runs along her bottom lip, inexperienced, and all too happily Maki opens up to him. A muffled noise passes between the both of them but all they do is hold onto one another more tightly.

She sighs into his mouth, angling her head to kiss him better. Through the haze of the exchange she hears Kaito murmur confessions of love against her lips, punctuated with every kiss and feels his thumb rub her jaw, warm against her skin. This does nothing but spur her into kissing him harder, hands tangling more snugly into his hair.

She's well aware of how her breathing is beginning to grow heavier as their short pauses between kisses grow more sparse. Eventually Kaito pulls back, just enough that their lips linger against one another but far enough that they may breathe. Hot air fans across her cheeks as he gasps in air.

"Did I ever tell you that you take my breath away?" chuckles Kaito, looking pleased with himself. Maki rolls her eyes, hands tugging him back down to re-initiate the kiss. Kaito, just like before, happily complies with her wordless request.

Their kissing is incredibly sloppy but they're new to this as well as desperate to be with one another. Kaito moves his free hand in favor of caressing her side, thumb slipping beneath her shirt to feel her skin while Maki's fingers trace arousing patterns on his nape and her lips swallow his muffled groan.

Unexpectedly Shuuichi bursts into the room. Unfortunately for him, the two pay little mind to this, too caught up in kissing one another to pay much attention to anything else, even when the door hits the wall from Shuuichi having thrown it open. Luck is not on his side either, as Shuuichi doesn't notice the… Situation the two are currently participating in until he's already walked just a few feet from the bed.

"Okay, sorry guys, I…" he stops dead, sheepish look falling from his face in favor of petrified shock. His mortification grows when a suppressed moan slips out from Maki's lips which only seems to encourage Kaito into pulling her closer. They haven't noticed him yet, despite him having walked straight into the room, announcing his presence. "G-guys! What the—What are—Am I interrupting something—?!"

Kaito and Maki jump apart, lips swollen, hands still all over one another. They look towards Shuuichi who stands a few feet away, just as flustered as—if not more than—them. Their friend covers his eyes with his hands, clearly as embarrassed as they are.

"I left for like—This is—I am still here, guys!" he points out, his voice squeaking. He peeks at them from between his fingers, staring at them with panic. In fact, he seems more humiliated for having caught them than they are for having been caught.

The duo and Shuuichi stare at each other for a while longer, all three flustered bright red.

"...She had something in her teeth," Kaito lies, terribly obvious. Maki with-holds the urge to groan in exasperation. "I was just, uh, gettin' it out… With my tongue..."

Shuuichi makes an incomprehensible noise. "...I'm not an idiot?!"

"...Could you just… Step outside. For a bit longer," Maki implores, voice not even a question. Shuuichi makes another noise of embarrassment before pulling on a face as serious as possible with such a bright fluster.

"...You know what? Fine. You have three more minutes and you both better be decent when I return," he grumbles, turning and marching back out the door. He's still covering his face however and rams right into the side of it before managing to scuttle out awkwardly.

Once he's out of the room Kaito bursts into loud, infectious laughter. Maki ends up giggling along, although it is drowned out by Kaito's volume. She's fine with that. She missed this. He sits upright, helping Maki up as well. His hand finds her's and he gives it a light squeeze, intertwining their fingers. He brings her hand up to his lips, kissing her knuckles.

A rare, genuine smile flickers to her lips. Despite all the chaos and the mess her feelings have left her in she feels at peace beside him. She thanks every kami and deity, thanks fate and coincidence, for allowing him to live. For letting her have this moment with him.

It's hardly romantic. Kaito's hair is messy and beginning to fall around his face as the hair-spray gives up, leaving part of it awkwardly stuck upwards. There's still remnants of tomato sauce on the side of his lips, smudged across his cheeks. His shirt is off and while he wears sweatpants, his obnoxious boxer's that are black, dotted with vibrant red stars peek out, incredibly obvious.

Maki's no better, she wears an over-sized T-shirt that—according to Kaito—says 'I hunger for messy joe' in English (apparently it's a pop culture reference to American food? Maki doesn't know) that had been donated to the orphanage coupled with a pair of abhorrent, vivid hot pink spandex. Her hair is down, messy and greasy, tangled and she's pretty sure there's a few slices of green pepper from the pizza are caught in her tresses from when Kaito flicked them off his slice earlier.

Somehow, despite the two of them looking like absolute disasters, Maki loves it. She thrives in the calmness between them and the affectionate feeling she gets from being beside him.

She let's go of his hand in favor of reaching out and hugging him. He holds her close and they stay that way for a few moments, gripping one another tightly.

"Where do we go from here?" she questions into his shoulder, loud enough for him to hear.

"Anywhere," he replies, "as long as it's together. You realize I'm not letting you go now, right?"

She smiles into his skin, savoring the warmth and the closeness.

"...Okay," she murmurs, pulling away to look at him better. He grins down at her and presses a brief kiss to her lips. "We're kissing an awful lot for just having confessed," she adds, not complaining in the slightest.

"We said it ourselves, didn't we?" Kaito snorts, "We've loved each other for a while now. I think we can make an exception," he exclaims and as if to prove a point he kisses her again.

Maki's heart swells with fondness as he cuddles her closer.

She loves him, in all the ways possible.

(and he loves her too)

---

translations:

Harumaki – Means Spring-roll and is Maki's nickname in the Japanese version of Ndrv3. They changed it to Maki roll in the English version for convenience because explaining what Harumaki meant in Japanese was apparently too hard.

Sumimasen – A polite/more formal version of Gomenasai or Gomen which means Sorry. Sumimasen can also be considered as 'Excuse me'.

Gomen – A more casual way to say sorry. Gomenasai is a more formal version of Gomen, but less formal than Sumimasen.

Gakusei Kaban – Japanese School-bag (i think thats the literal term? cause kaban means bag... look dont listen to me). If you haven't noticed Japanese high-school students have very different book bags compared to other countries. I think it's p. cool, although it took a while to find out the exact term because Randoseru is the first thing that pops up when you look up Japanese School bag but those are for elementary schoolers!

Moshi Moshi – Japanese way of greeting one another over the phone.

Kami – Japanese Gods/Spirits. Kinda a general term? But also not really.

Konpeitō – Japanese sugar candy. They look like colorful little stars. konpeitō is super good tbh but that could just be because I have a sugar tooth.

Montsuki – Traditional Japanese black wedding Kimono for males, usually used in Shinto weddings. (Shinto, if you didn't know, is a religion. But that's another can of worms for another day my children)

Konnichiwa – If, by chance, you somehow don't know what this means or have a vague understanding of what it means, it means Good Afternoon.

Watashi wa [Insert name] – If, by chance, you somehow don't know what this means it's basically My name is/I am [insert name here]

Arigato – Thank you

Futakuchi-onna – A japanese Yokai who's hair is essentially a separate entity. They have a mouth on the back of their head so they eat twice as much as a normal human.

Okuyami mōshiagemasu – Basically means My condolences

If you're still here for some terrible reason let me update u with some stuff, u get me?

if you liked this good for u cause i got more content comin' up ;))))) u like this sappy mess? I have more planned including an AU Kaimaki story (Pirates and Sirens because tbh those are always my favorite kinds of stories) and more maki stuff cause shes my girlfriend. (and if maki's in it, u can bet kaito is too. so what i really mean is im just writing a whole lot of kaimaki stuff)

So stick around if u like that stuff. It's gonna take a while though so just… keep 'n' eye out.

anyways, have a nice day or whatever

-ur local trash goblin