On a dark and stormy night Special Agent Dale Cooper of the FBI, Regional Bureau chief Gordon Cole and Forensic Specialist Albert Rosenfield found themselves taking shelter in the warm comfort of a Vietnamese restaurant. Traditional music played and soft light danced off paper lanterns hung from the ceiling and when the waiter came to take their order Cooper grinned while Albert scowled.
Case files spread open across the table, the men took notes and pointed out anomalies they had come across. A second waiter passed the table, leaving a plate of bean sprouts, lemon, chilli and mint that had Gordon looking perplexed.
"Garnish" Albert curled his lip.
"It's for the soup." Cooper interjected.
"Soup isn't a meal," Albert fired back.
Tidying up the files and putting them away in a briefcase in preparation for the meal; Agent Cooper ignored his colleague. The waiter shuffled back, tray full and placed a large bowl in front of each man. Gordon looked down at the brown liquid and paused.
"COOPER, WHAT IS THIS DIRTY DISHWATER?" Both Cooper and Albert winced at the volume of their hard of hearing boss.
"It's pho Gordon!" Dale picked up his spoon and sampled the broth.
"FOE?" Their boss tentatively picked up his spoon.
Smiling at the flavour Cooper replied, "No, FUH."
"FOO?" The older man dipped his spoon and brought it up to his mouth.
"Jesus Christ Gordon, it's FUR" Albert interjected as he added the chilli and lemon to his bowl.
After a moment Gordon's voice shattered the silence, "WELL I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS BUT IT'S VERY GOOD!"
Albert looked at Cooper, Cooper looked back at Albert and both men stifled laughter at the sight of their boss enthusiastically partaking in Vietnamese noodle soup.
Still fighting a grin, Dale picked up his chopsticks and plunged them into the soup. Bringing a mass of noodles to his mouth he looked up and made eye contact with a coy smile and raised eyebrow across the room and the food promptly splashed back into the liquid. Grabbing napkins and attempting to mop up the spilt liquid, Albert looked at him questioningly and Cooper fought embarrassment.
A strangled noise came from Albert's direction and Cooper moved his focus from the puddle in front of him to his friend and in the process, to the dark haired beauty who was now standing in front of him, hand extended with a pile of napkins and laughter in her bright blue eyes.
Dale heard himself mumble "thank you" as if in an out of body experience and was vaguely aware of Albert rolling his eyes. The moment shattered when Gordon took it upon himself to interject,
"YOU'RE VERY KIND, THANK YOU FOR HELPING MY FRIEND."
The volume momentarily startled her but she turned and smiled at the senior agent, acknowledging his contribution before sauntering back to her seat. All three men turned to watch her go, plaid skirt bouncing on the backs of her legs.
Throughout the rest of the meal, Special Agent Dale Cooper stole glances across the room and was equal parts disappointed and relieved to see she had been drawn into conversation with one of her friend's at the table and was no longer paying attention to him.
When her group got up to leave he felt his heart leap into his throat and he sucked in a deep breath. The group passed, several of them carrying Penn Law tote bags, including his napkin saviour. She slowed and they made eye contact again but her friends urged her on and she was carried forward by the bustling law students. The bell dinged as the door slammed shut behind them and Cooper found himself being scrutinized by his amused tablemates and left with an emptiness in his chest.
They continued to discuss the case and not five minutes later are interrupted by what Cooper assumed to be the bill, except it's delivered by the same dainty hand as earlier. Sitting in front of him now, a white napkin with a phone number and name in neat cursive writing; Audrey Horne. Tapping the napkin twice with an immaculate red fingernail her voice breaks the trance he's found himself in.
"That's my phone number if you ever feel yourself inclined to use it."
Cooper grins, "It's a pleasure to meet you Audrey Horne, I'm Special Agent Dale Cooper…"
"And I'm going to be sick." The table ignore Albert's gruffness.
"Well Special Agent Dale Cooper," Audrey turns to glance at the other two, "and friends. Have a lovely evening and I hope to be hearing from you soon."
All three men stand as she makes her exit; two friends, one blonde and the other brunette, are waiting for her by the door grinning as she approaches. They slip out of the door and the group reseat themselves.
"SHE SEEMS LIKE A VERY NICE GIRL, COOP."
Two days later Dale Cooper finds himself staring at the phone in front of him. He absently plays with the napkin in front of him as he considers his approach. Startled by a coffee cup placed in front of him, he breaks his gaze and finds an amused blonde with narrowed eyes juggling another cup of coffee and an unlit cigarette.
"Just bite the bullet and call the girl."
"I suppose you're thinking me foolish Diane?" Cooper takes a breath and leans back in his chair.
"I'm thinking you're behaving exactly like I would expect Dale Cooper to behave. Stop being an idiot, Albert said she has sass. You need sass."
Grinning at his secretary Cooper reaches for the coffee, "What would I do without you Diane?"
"Type up your own notes." Completely deadpan, she salutes him before returning the grin. "I'm heading out for a break, you better have made that phone call before I get back."
"Aye aye captain." As he watches her leave, he picks up the phone and dials quickly.
The phone rings several times before he hears a velvety, "Hello."
"Audrey Horne? It's Dale Cooper." He can't keep the smile from his voice.
"Hello Special Agent."
Note: Once again I do not own the characters, just the batshit crazy idea. Thanks to Julia for the read through. Completely AU as usual, I'm incapable of canon. Just a short OOC drabble born from insanity and Pho. Takes place in an alternative reality where the events leading up to and including Laura Palmer's death never happened. I didn't think I was going to love Diane, but I did, so I've tried to get her in for a guest appearance.