Sonic Inadequacy

By Headwater Daddy

Hello, my crooked compadres! You may remember my minor, yet flabbergasting appearance in Sonic Insanity by Mecha Scorpion, who is a good friend of mine. I also sent numerous reviews to his stories under absurd names such as "chimp knob" and "millions of peaches". He helped write bits and pieces of this chapter.

Anyway, read and review and enjoy!

Chapter 1

A Chaotic Beginning To Even More Chaos

"YEAH, I WON DAMMIT" hollered Tails as he threw the controller to the ground and screeched with delight. Everyone covered their ears tightly.

"Wow Tails, you won. We're all really impressed and we want your autograph." mumbled Knuckles, who was playing Gears of War with Tails, Sonic, and Shadow.

"Shut up, mama's boy! Go suck your girl on the face or something!" retorted Tails. Knuckles was extremely offended and restrained himself immensely from annihilating him. Everyone was quiet.

"YOU LITTLE VERMI-" Knuckles started, but was cut off by Cream.

"Tails, if you don't stop swearing, your X-Box is going to have to be destroyed, as well as our relationship and cat that you adore so much." instructed Cream, ever so sweetly.

"Man, you just got served! BY A LADY!" snickered Shadow while nudging Tails in the ribs. Tails' body because rigidly stiff and tears began spilling out of his eyes.

"LET'S TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!" he whined, running out the door. Everyone followed.

"Man, you're a pugnacious little fella today, aren't ya!" said Sonic very angrily. Everyone stared at Sonic and laughed. "WHAT! IT'S TRUE!"

"You filthy hypocrite!" shouted Tails, trying to show his small guns. "Who do you think you are, calling me a little pugnacious fella? I could say the same thing about you!" Tails dove at Sonic and the two had a horrific bash at each other.

"Tails, what did I just say?" said Cream, trying to look stern. Tails just mumbled something against it and kept fighting. "He'll never learn!" she sighed. Suddenly, Tails stopped fighting and Sonic looked confused as to why.

"I got a confession to make…" he began. Sonic sighed. "Man, I fooled you guys SO good today!" said Tails, grinning very condescendingly. "I was just swearing to make you guys mad! I actually hate it, so I won't do it! I got you guys good! You should've seen the looks on all your faces!" Everyone was silent. It was true; the look on Sonic's face was rage, and the same with Knuckles, Shadow, Cream, Amy, and Rouge. Sonic blabbered out something about Tails being stupid, but that couldn't be heard over the explosion that just occurred.

"WHAT!" everyone screamed. Sonic's house burned to the ground, and everything was destroyed. Sonic was devastated. An awkward silence filled the area.

"WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!" roared Sonic with fury and sorrow.

"We could all go to my house!" suggested Shadow. A comical expression formed across everyone's face. Suddenly, everyone burst into laughter around Shadow.

"We…ho ho ho…go…to your…HOUSE!" shouted Sonic hysterically. "That's a good one...HAHAHAHAHA!" Shadow was appalled by such inanity.

"WHY ARE YOU GUYS LAUGHING!" roared Shadow, trying to overcome the immense amount of laughter directed at him. The laughter did not tone down one bit. "FINE! BE THAT WAY!" Shadow ran over to Sonic and attempted to kick Sonic, but Sonic rolled out the way while laughing and Shadow went flying and crashed into a mailbox. Shadow got up and dusted himself off and cursed to himself. Suddenly, Shadow had an idea. Shadow picked up the metal mailbox and hurled it at Sonic. It struck him right in the face, knocking him off his feet.

"OW! WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT FOR!" he growled at Shadow with contempt. Sonic bent down and picked his mail. "And now you've spilled my mail! Nice going Shadow!" Sonic, obviously nettled by Shadow's uncalled for behavior, immediately recognized the writing on the envelope. "EGGMAN!" he shouted. Sonic laughed as he wondered what Eggman's next plan was.

Dear Sonic and Company,

You and your friends have all been selected to live in a mansion on the tropical island of Utopia, the most tropical place on the planet! You can run, jump, spin, jump, climb the stairs, jump, and eat cantaloupe! The largest mansion you ever seen is now yours! Go there ASAP!

Signed,

Eggman

Sonic was humored by such lunacy. "Alright guys, were going there!" declared Sonic. Everyone was in agreement, everyone except Knuckles.

"Hold on, guys!" Knuckles chirped rampantly. "This could be a set-up! See how it says it's from Eggman! Eggman's ravenous to destroy us! This mansion doesn't have any of those 'spectacular' features that you think it does!" Everybody stared at Knuckles, surprised that he wouldn't want to go 'the da tropics'.

"If you go, I'll give you a nice time on the first night!" sneered Rouge ecstatically, batting her eyelashes. Get it? Rouge the bat was batting her eyelashes? Juxtaposition!

"SIR YES SIR!" screamed Knuckles, snapping to attention.

Meanwhile, Eggman was huffing and puffing, trying to blow down the doors that his guards held down. The doors were nailed shut and padlocked to keep Eggman from accessing the food within.

"I can't do it!" shrieked a very thin Eggman boisterously. "I can't blow no more!"

"Your mom didn't have that difficulty last night!" bellowed a loudspeaker. "Also, we got a message for you."

"Put it on the screen!" commanded Eggman imperiously. The message appeared on a screen, very unpredictably. It read:

Dear Eggman,

You have been selected to live in the Luxurious mansion on the tropical island of Utopia, the most tropical place on earth! There is sleeping, cooking, leering, carrying, and best of all, eating! Come down to this island ASAP

Signed,

Sonic & Company

"I didn't know Sonic owned a company!" said Eggman, astonished. "Anyway, this mansion sounds very inviting. Who can resist an all-you-can-leer buffet?" he wondered aloud. Suddenly, the doors barricading him from the cafeteria were extinguished.

"I'M FREE!" the thin man exclaimed, and inhaled deeply. The force of this inhalation sucked all the food out of the cafeteria and into his famished embrace. His meaty jowls shook with contentment and contempt.

"Right back where I started!" he said, eying his corpulent abs. "Now to get to that tropical island!"

"Sir," said Metal Sonic, "I have one point to make before we leave. Is it really a good idea to follow a letter written by your arch enemy?" Eggman choked haphazardly on the ten-foot long sub in his mouth. And it was not a submarine sandwich, but a substitute teacher. Like a "sub." Get it? Oh…

"WHAT! I KNOW MY ENEMY! I CAN MASH HIM WITH A PAPER AIRPLANE IF I CHOOSE TO!" pleaded Eggman, his face a mottled puce.

"Sir, you have lost every single time you tried to confront him," proposed Metal Sonic.

"BALDERDASH! There were no witnesses! Who's got the brains here, me or you?"

"…"

"SHUT UP!" snarled Eggman furiously. "I'm a little behind schedule here, I need to get to that island ASAP!" Eggman devoured a jar of cucumbers, saving the cucumbers for later. "Now to reach the island!"

"SIR YES MA'AM!" hollered Eggman's army, which consisted of frogs, razors, weasels, ticks, and shifty-eyed dogs.

"I wasn't talking to you lot," said Eggman condescendingly. "I was talking to myself."

He got into his car and drove all the way to the port, where he hijacked the Titanic. Due to his weight, it sunk, and he was forced to commandeer a lifeboat, which sunk twice on the way. Finally he had to swim the last mile to the island, avoiding sharks and malicious crustaceans. After getting into all sorts of parasitic shenanigans, he hauled himself painstakingly up the beach, to see Sonic and Company sitting recumbently in the shade of a palm tree.

"Pass the tropical fruit beverages, Rouge!" yelled Shadow, who was sitting on top of the palm tree. "My body ain't gonna moisten itself, you know!"

"I'll give you hydrolysis, you pesky Pinocchio!" rambled Eggman, aiming a water cannon at the gang. Eggman soon realized that he was ten feet from shore and his boat wasn't moving anywhere because the water was too shallow.

"Eggman?" asked Sonic in confusion. Eggman trotted onto the beach. He was soaked, fat, and horrendously discombobulated. "So have you finally come to host our little gathering?"

"What? I thought you were hosting this affair!" questioned Eggman

"I'm hosting this affair," said a Russian-accented voice, and one of the oddest men they had ever seen abruptly jumped out of the undergrowth, smiling mischievously.

How's this first chapter o' mine? Mind-blowing? Heart-pounding? Life-saving? You choose! And you are not limited to these responses. Even if you don't have an account, you can review, I just can't respond to you unless you give me your e-mail address.

Read and review, my swindled trumpets!