Far Away
So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
Oh, and I miss you
Yeah, I miss you.
I woke up and she was gone. It was a complete and total shock- Her bed was made as though she'd never slept in it, though I'd watched her crawl into it and look at me as I exited through the tiny sphere of light from the hall, a figure that blocked out all the light temporarily as she drifted off to sleep. Or so I thought. Only the night before I'd felt her warmth. There was no note. There was no explanation.
There was no goodbye. I think this is what still troubles me the most about the disappearance, the total and complete vanishing act, of Raven Roth. One moment she was there, a solid, real presence in my life. The next minute, she was nothing more than a memory.
I still have no idea, even in my wildest nightmares, what caused her to leave. It could have been the way I looked at her, suddenly, as a woman rather than as a teammate, a companion rather than a sulky antagonist who happened to be on my side. It could be that she was afraid she was hurting her best friend by spending so much time with me. I have no idea. The girl was an enigma.
I must rephrase that sentence. The girl is an enigma, putting her in the present tense. Even though she is not a part of my life, she must be a part of someone's life. Someone like that may vanish from view, but…
I just don't see how she could vanish so damn completely. I suppose I'm ahead of myself and behind myself all at the same time. I don't know what I'm thinking. I don't know what I'm saying. Perhaps I should back up. Perhaps I should just stop. Perhaps I should stop standing in shock, staring at the empty bed and the empty closet and bleeding metaphorically from my empty heart.
I am Robin. Recently, I fell for Raven. I should rephrase that; I more than fell for Raven, because I let her fall for me right back. I never should have allowed it to happen. We both knew it was dangerous. The problem was I didn't care, and I made her not care.
Starfire will never know. I have to wonder, though- Is Raven doing this because she loves me, to protect Starfire, or to protect herself?
Either way, even if she'd never answer me, I wish she were here.
I miss her more than I miss the way things used to be. I feel like having her would change something somehow, fix it.
Then again, I suppose that kind of logic is why there's no clue as to where my heart as gone, or why I miss it so much.
So far away from where you are
I'm standing underneath the stars
Oh, and I wish you were here.
By now, you must have woken up, dear Robin, and realized that, when I let you smooth the covers over me, when you told me you loved me, I was making a choice. I made the conscious choice to let you go, and I did so.
I wish I could say I did so remorselessly, as I have done so many of the worst things in my life, but there is remorse in this. There is remorse not just in leaving but in ever having to leave, in protecting my best friend, in protecting you, and in protecting my own heart. I know these thoughts are nothing you do not already realize, and yet I'd imagine you are reeling.
The problem with you, Robin, is that you are so sure we can all have what we want. You seemed to think there was a way to justify and fix our situation, when really, it was a fool's errand from the start. You had a girlfriend. One whose feelings we were not considering when you would come to visit me.
I gaze at the stars and I think of you. Right now, I would be waking up to the sound of you jiggling the door handle, coming to see me before dawn, before she woke up. You must realize a love that exists in shadows shouldn't exist. You must realize that I never should have held you, never should have let those conflicted emotions reach surface level. I never should have held your hand or watched the cosmos by your side, but I did.
The sky is so beautiful tonight, Robin. I wonder what you would say if you realized that I am not so far away from you. I wonder what you would say if you realized that I am sitting atop the hill by our home, thinking of you and wishing you would be able to forgive me the sins I led you to commit.
I wonder if you realize how much I wish I could come inside, take you in my arms, and promise not to leave you again.
Life's never that uncomplicated. Especially not for the remorseless woman who would take her friend's one joy in life. I like to think in a way I was liberating you.
Only the daughter of the devil thinks that way.
Even so, I miss you. I miss your voice in the morning, the patterns and rhythms it would take as you spoke about life and freedom. And love.
Mostly, I miss the tone of your voice when you told me you loved me.
I miss the years that were erased
And I miss the way the sunshine
Would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Oh, I miss you
And I wish you were here.
I've told the others. No one had a word to say, and Starfire… Well, Starfire put her head on my shoulder and cried. She misses you. Not as much as I miss you, although she doesn't know it. I couldn't put my arms around her. I couldn't comfort her. You came into my mind and would not leave.
She looked weak and frail to me, and I resented that. In you, I have found that there's a kind of strength in partnership, in a relationship where neither of you have to bear the burden alone.
Again, sharply, I see images. They are disjoined. They probably mean very little. I see you sitting atop a hill, sunshine reflecting off your hair and your face. It was the first time your smile was genuinely for me and only for me. I see you lying in your bed, smiling at me as I tell you stories about who I was before I came here. I remember the way you would shake at night after a painful dream, and the way I would take you outside and we would watch the stars together.
There are still stars in the sky. No one even thought to ask me why I was awake. I wish they would've. I'm sorry, Raven, but I think I'll have to tell them. I know you did this to protect us, and possibly to protect your name, but I can't promise that I'll protect you anymore. I'll tell them, because if I ever find you…
I'm staying. I'm staying so I never have to miss a million little things about you.
I need to walk. I need to look, even if there's no chance you're anywhere but far, far away from here.
I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here.
I see you. I know not whether to run or to stand here.
I think I'll stand here and watch you. Your hair is a perfect mess, your face pale as a sheet, and I know you haven't seen me yet, although I've seen you. I wonder what's going through your head. I want to say goodbye to you, but I don't quite know how to say goodbye, so I'll say nothing.
Watching you is enough. Its always enough.
I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything
To me.
I see you. I can't believe I see you. You're there with your eyes shielded, and there's sun in your face. You only differ from my memory in that you aren't smiling. I need you to smile. I need you to be someone I can count on, the same someone that you were.
"Raven!" I shout, and you start to run.
I do the only logical thing I can think of. I run too. I have to. I have to catch you. There are no options. There is no time to think. There is nothing but a single word in my head, like a mantra, only stronger:
Stay.
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here…
I can't run anymore. I won't run anymore. I stop. You come up to me. Your hands find my waist, you pull me close. You are sweating, running on very little sleep, and suddenly I feel you snap. You start to cry, and the word that breaks from your lips is the word I am scared the most of:
"Why?"
I am scared of this question because I know once I start talking I may drive you away. "Robin, what else could I do? I love you, you know that! You know I can't do this! Not to Starfire, not to myself, and not to you. How do I know that you won't just leave me? How do you know she won't find out? How do you know it won't shatter her? I wanted to leave you the only option that made sense!"
Your voice is catching, breathier than mine, which has become shrill and disjoined, a voice I almost cannot identify giving what in my head was a calm, logical argument. "I don't care!" You shout. "How could you put me through something like that? Look at me, dammit!"
I do look at you then, and try to find the words to say. Everything I have been thinking has crumbled, and it becomes clear to me that I do not want to escape you; I want to stay with you. The complications are forgotten. Everything except your embrace seems forgotten, and I slump against you, my head in the crook between your shoulder and your neck.
"I just wanted to protect you."
So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you
Oh, and I wish you were here.
I wish you were here.
Minutes passed, and neither of them spoke. There was nothing to say; the problems hadn't been erased, and yet they were at ease. Love is a complicated thing; It often creates more problems than it erases, and yet it is so essential to our core being that, if it is a true love, we will often ignore all rational to be with the person who gives our lives meaning.
"We'll make it work," Robin whispered, "If you promise me you'll stay."
"I couldn't leave," she whispered. "I'm so sorry I couldn't leave…"
"No. I'm sorry for creating this situation."
"I love you."
"I love you too…"
They were silent again. Nothing was resolved; life is rarely that easy. The problem is never one we can run from, and yet never one we can eliminate, because often the problem is created by an irrational happiness. Robin took Raven's hand, and she nodded once, steeling herself for inevitable conflict, and the moment settled over them.
Heavy though it might have been, they were together.
~Finish~
A/n: I am aware this is not a particularly well-crafted piece. I made myself write a one-shot in half an hour to try to get back into updating some of my longer stories. Still, reviews appreciated. I apologize for any major typos I didn't catch.