Aoshi and Misao Songfic, "If You're Not the One"
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. As much as I wish they were mine, they're Nobuhiro Watsuki's.
In a crowded ballroom, full of New Year's revelers, the din and merrymaking made it almost impossible to walk a direct route from one end to the other. One particular guest was hoping with all of his heart-turned-to-butter that she would be here tonight, despite the noise and the crowd. Aoshi Shinomori had finally come to grips with his sordid past and knew it was time to move on. After all, he was still among the living and he knew he ought to go about doing just that. Besides, he was plenty sure that this was the direction his newfound life should start.
Dressed smartly in evening black, his ice-blue eyes were a striking contrast to his overall look, and were now scanning the room. Hoping to find a particular raven-haired female who would be a head shorter than most of the people there in attendance.
After so many wasted years of hearing her heart call out to him and not responding, he already knew in his own heart that she was the one. The little things she did in the past to brighten his day or the way she took care of him now spoke volumes of what was in her heart:
If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
He had struggled for so long with the open feelings she held for him because he himself had no idea how he felt about her. All along, she knew him better than he did himself.
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine then would I have the strength to stand at all?
The happy-go-lucky girl he had watched from infancy to adulthood knew her heart and mind enough to act on what she knew to be a sure thing; and that was her immense love for him.
Her love guided her actions toward him and he was too clueless to know how to react. What did a man such as himself, baptized into blood and violence, know about tender feelings and love? There was no pretense about her. Instead, she gave more than just her love; she offered herself, as precious a gift as any he had ever received.
I don't know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now.
Little Misao-chan became a woman in his arms that one glorious night they shared together when she crept into his room. As a man too long without a woman, and as a woman starved for love, they came together ferociously and hungrily. Yet underneath the savage coupling lay an undertone of a bittersweet longing:
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with.
With his mind rushing back to the present, Aoshi faced his feelings head-on for this little fireball of a woman:
I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
As much as he needed Misao in his life, he still had that niggling tendril of doubt telling him that his past made him unworthy of keeping such a pure and valuable treasure with him.
On a balcony overlooking the throng, Misao watched the man she loved. To the untrained eye, Aoshi gave the appearance of solid, stoical control. However, Misao's trained and heightened senses allowed her to see the myriad of emotions passing over the hooded blue eyes she had come to know so well. She knew the iron control Aoshi kept over his emotions, but she now knew why Aoshi guarded his eyes from others—they were truly the windows to his soul, his emotions.
Over the years, she stuck to him like glue, ensuring he wouldn't sink into a well of despair, making sure he ate well, and accompanying him on his errands. As she did all of these things, she truly made a study of this enigma of a man. The more she learned about him, the more she loved him. And the more she loved him, the surer she felt that she ought to be right by his side.
There were nights though when her cockeyed optimist persona would fall away and the doubts would creep in. The negative thoughts she managed to hold at bay during the day would tell her, Maybe I am doing all of this for nothing.
And Aoshi's lack of encouragement in that direction would reinforce those thoughts. Then the tide of doubts would just about crush her soul.
If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
Then the morning would come and the optimist in her would disregard the thoughts of the night before. As well as she had studied this man, she discovered to her joy that Aoshi responded to her acts of love in little ways. Like a hand on her shoulder, kept there for more than a heartbeat. A melting of the ice in his eyes when he looked into hers when she chattered inanely about her day. The ever-decreasing distance between them when they walked side by side or when they faced each other in greeting or conversation.
While watching the man she had grown to love even more across the crowded ballroom, Misao smiled to herself as she remembered their first night together. It had been long overdue, she thought, but well worth the wait. All of her work, the waiting, the infinite patience all culminated to that one evening of need. If that night didn't convince him of their rightness, then she was about to make him realize this very night of that pure and simple fact.
Finally, he spotted her watching him from the balcony. His vision no longer superimposed the girl-child he had known in the past overtop the beautiful woman she was now. Seeing her standing there, she was a vision in her formal midnight blue gown which emphasized her lithe, athletic figure. It was a body he was finding hard to keep his thoughts from straying towards. That night they first made love, she whispered, "I love you" as her eyes bored into his with such intensity and emotion. Her admission as well as her body's submission to him shook him to his core. Since then, he dreamed of her. Breathed her. Cherished her.
What doubts he had about wanting to be with her vanished when he glimpsed her impish smile, the one she reserved only for him. And he smiled back in anticipation of what he was going to make happen next.
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?
…
After ringing in the New Year with the hundred or so partygoers, Aoshi led a champagne-flushed Misao to an upstairs suite. Giddy from the champagne and that sweet, yet soul-deep New Year's kiss, Misao tumbled with Aoshi into the large bed where their bodies and souls found rapture in each other.
In the aftermath, Aoshi drew Misao tight in his embrace and admitted to her with his usual candid manner:
I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true.
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with.
And I wish that you could be the one I die with.
And I'm prayin' you're the one I build my home with.
I hope I love you all my life.
I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand.
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am.
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
With tears falling profusely from her now-luminous eyes, Misao stammered, "Wh-what are you—tr-trying to say?"
"I'm saying that I want to be with you, in your arms, in your life, but I don't know any other way except that you marry me. I love you," he said, while deeply searching her eyes with his penetrating gaze.
Sobbing with joy, she gripped him to her even more tighter. "Oh, Aoshi! Yes, a thousand times, yes! I thought I'd never hear you say you love me, much less you asking me to marry you! It's a dream come true for me. Oh, thank you, Aoshi, for making me so happy! Thank you! I love you!" Aoshi just smiled as he squeezed her closer in response. He just knew she'd babble this much in her happiness and excitement.
"No, thank you, my Misao. Thank you for saying 'yes' or I don't know what I'd have done. Your tenacity to make me love you worked even though I used to think I could do without your love. Until my heart understood what your absence would mean. It would just make my soul cry out for you, for need of you with me."
'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away.
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today.
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right,
And though I can't be with you tonight,
You know my heart is by your side.
"There were so many times I was tempted to leave you alone, but my heart told me the truth; that it always belonged to you," he admitted. "I may not understand why I need you so much, but all I know is that I do."
I don't want to run away, but I can't take it, I don't understand.
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am.
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
With the most dazzling smile he had ever seen, Misao replied a little smugly, "No matter what, I'm making sure you stay here in these arms for a long time to come."
"If You're Not the One" lyrics by Daniel Bedingfield.