hi again! you all know how i love switchin' up the POVs. but this time, i'm doing it all bella, all the way. i wanted to do something light, because 'Relief' gives me migraines and i'm sure that you all need a break. hope you like! no, i hope you love.
i know, it can get confusing with all of the flashbacks, but bear with me.
don't give up. if you start reading this and give up on it, at least do me the favor of reading the A/N at the bottom. thanks loves.

"You know I like it when you talk dirty," Edward chuckled. I kicked at his face like a little kid, swirling the spatula in the air and praying that some of the batter would get him in the eye.

"I'm not fucking kidding, Edward. Let go of me or I'll shove this fucking spoon thing up your ass!" I was squealing so loudly that I heard the tenant below my apartment thump the ceiling with a broom or something, but I didn't care. Edward yanked my ankle as I writhed on the carpet, brownie mix covering around ninety percent of my body. He leaned down, hovering over me with his tongue hanging out of his mouth like a moron.

"Nope, sorry," he taunted, licking the side of my face as he pinned my arms down with his knees. I tried to throw the spatula at him and missed, instead tossing it halfway across the room and leaving a messy splatter of deep brown chocolate across my white carpet.

"Quit it!" I shrieked, giggling in spite of myself. Edward always did this kind of shit. I had been baking brownies after finding the mix in the cupboard, and Edward was just coming in from work. It wasn't like he had a career or anything—working at the campus auditorium hardly qualified as a legit job. He was practically paid for flipping switches and playing Jetman on his laptop all day, but I couldn't complain. He got me little presents and stuff, after all. But he had ultimately worked a long shift that day, and I assumed he'd be tired. But instead, he'd grabbed my waist and wrestled me to the ground like a two-year-old, instigating the whole brownie mix fight and completely ruining my white t-shirt.

"Come on, Bell! Keep it up. Call me a dick. Say something unladylike. Take your top off or something," he encouraged as I snickered below him.

"Dream on," I gasped breathlessly, somehow managing to roll him over before he could regain control. "I was in the middle of something."

He smirked, his coppery hair falling into his golden eyes. "That was before I got home. Now I'm here, and you don't need distractions."

"Okay, Mister Cocky," I chided tolerantly, collapsing against his chest. "Now I'm tired, and I have brownies to make. If I have any batter left after your little ambush."

Edward laughed, pulling me to my feet and raking his eyes along my five-foot-four frame. "I won't even lie, you're a mess, Bella."

"No shit, Sherlock," I retorted sarcastically, wiping a glob of dripping batter from my eyelid that was sort of blinding me. "I already took a shower and everything. I don't know why you do this kind of thing."

"Because," he began, kissing beneath my jaw, "I like it when you get messy. Then I get to help you shower it off." He pulled back, winking like some creepy Rico Suave, and I couldn't help but laugh.

Edward was…well, he was Edward.

Horn dog extraordinaire, if you will.

We'd met in the eighth grade when his family moved from Alaska to Washington and no one liked him. He was this smart ass little dweeb who liked to play piano and hang out with his family and other stupid shit like that. My best friend Alice mentioned something one day in P.E. that he'd peed his pants at his old school in Juneau and that's why he had to move. Edward and I weren't even on speaking terms until college hit and he wound up in my Lit class. Even then, we didn't really talk much.

But I wound up characteristically getting plastered at some lousy kegger at this guy Emmett's house on New Year's Eve freshman year, stumbling into the bathroom while Edward was taking a quick piss in the toilet. Apparently, I'd shoved past him to vomit noisily in the bathtub before throwing myself at him, his pants still down, like a pathetic alcoholic slut. Needless to say, I woke up the next morning completely naked on a Lion King sleeping bag with Edward on top of me in Emmett's living room. I was never much of a drinker after that.

I never guessed what would happen after that. I had dressed in a hurry that morning, shrugging out from beneath him as he grumbled lazily and fell back asleep. I recognized him at once, my stomach rolling as I took in my surroundings.

That hair. I would recognize that hair anywhere. I had hooked up with Edward fucking Cullen. Weirdo, Piss Pants, Edward Cullen. I ran from the house in the fresh coolness of a new year, still a little drunk, and rode a bicycle that I found in the front yard back to my apartment complex. I thanked my lucky stars that it wasn't far, because I still had no real sense of equilibrium and I'm pretty sure I had my underwear on backwards. I was willing to forget everything that happened.

Unfortunately, nothing in life is ever that easy.

I remember everything like it was yesterday.

"Bella?" Alice had called. "Bella, open the door."

"No! Go away," I'd shouted, sobs ripping through my chest as I buried my face in my hands. The edge of the tub was hard, and it was digging into my ass, but I didn't care.

"Bella, I swear to God, if you don't open this door in five seconds Jasper is taking it off its hinges!"

I stared pitifully down at the little white stick in my hand, the contents of my stomach willing to spew from my stale-tasting mouth. Goddamn it, I hated that stupid fucking happy face. This was not a good thing. So why was my fucking pregnancy test smiling at me?

"Bella! Door! Now!" Alice's voice was trilling, and it was giving me a headache. I couldn't look up from the happy face in my hand, my knees shaking as tears spilled down my face. I heard a rattling as someone undoubtedly began picking the lock, and I jumped a little when I heard a loud pop as Alice shoved open the door. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" she asked rhetorically. Her eyes were wide with frustration. I barely noticed Jasper standing behind her.

"Damn, Swan. What happened to you? You look like hell," he muttered, scratching his stomach.

I couldn't open my mouth to speak as Alice stared at me expectantly. Couldn't she tell? Wasn't my stomach ballooning out all weird like a tent or something? No, maybe it was too early for that. I lifted my right hand, waving the offensive little stick in the air as my eyes remained fixed in my lap.

"Jesus Christ," she swore. I watched her hands reach for the test as she snatched it away from me, inspecting that stupid fucking smiley face.

"Is that…is that a…" Jasper stuttered.

I nodded just enough to indicate that yes it was a pregnancy test and yes it was positive.

"Then don't touch it, Alice!" he squealed. "It has her pee all over it."

"Get out," Alice ordered him. "Get out now. Go home. I'll come over later." Before he could reply, Alice was shoving him out of the bathroom and shutting the door in his face. "Whose is it?" she demanded. She was cutting straight to the chase, not beating around the bush whatsoever.

I looked at her, my mouth hanging open like an idiot. I struggled to find my voice as she stood there, tapping her foot against the linoleum. "I-It's, uh, it's Edward Cullen's."

I thought I'd seen Alice mad before. I thought I'd seen her upset, and shocked, and possibly even embarrassed. But I'd never seen the result of all three, intensified, and mixed into one. Her eyes popped out of her head, her face turning a violent shade of red. "You…did…WHAT?" she shrieked, throwing the little white stick to the ground. It bounced off the tile, skidding across the tiny room until it wedged under the door.

"It was a mistake, I didn't mean to--,"

"But you still did," she interrupted, her mouth in a hard line. "Do you even talk to Edward Cullen? Are we even talking about the same Edward, here? Like, the one who peed his pants and had to move to Washington?"

"You don't know that for a fact, Alice," I mumbled defensively, crossing my arms over my chest. I shifted against the tub's edge uncomfortably, afraid to get up in fear of being closer to Alice in her Cullen-induced rage.

"You're right. I don't. But I do know that you're as pure as the driven snow and Piss Pants defiled you with his baby juice. What the fuck are you going to do now, Bella?"

Thanks for being supportive, friend.

"God, I don't know, Alice. Go to the doctor's, maybe?" I shrugged, twirling a piece of hair around my finger nervously. "But if you think that I'm, quote, 'pure as the driven snow,' then you need a lobotomy."

"Oh, oookay, Princess Labia," she sneered. "We all get it that you're experienced or whatever. But experienced doesn't equal smart, Bella. It's not that hard. Swallow a pill. Wrap his pole up before you let it get you. Don't be such a dumbass."

"Thanks, Mom," I muttered sarcastically, feeling more and more stupid by the minute.

So Alice wasn't going to be supportive. Edward Cullen was the father of the alleged unwanted sea monkey growing in my stomach, and he may or may not have pissed all over himself in the seventh grade. So I was fucked, needless to say. At least, at the time I thought I was.

I was fucked, but I was still ethical and at least somewhat considerate. I knew I needed to talk to Edward about it.

So often you hear about the young girl who gets knocked up and is afraid to tell her baby daddy in the case that he bails. Well, I had absolutely nothing to lose. Edward was almost a complete stranger, in spite of the fact that I'd known him for a considerable amount of time. Maybe he wouldn't even remember that we'd fucked in the first place, and I could put all of this shit behind me. But I needed to say something, even if I decided to get rid of the…thing.

One problem: I didn't have Edward's phone number. Or his e-mail or Facebook or anything like that. All that I knew was that he knew Emmett, and that he was in my Lit class. It wasn't like Emmett was really my friend; we'd just hooked up twice first semester and I was on his courtesy invite list. That option was obviously out. I wouldn't even consider calling Emmett McCarty unless Jesus came out of the sky and told me to himself. So I'd have to wait a few days to see Edward.

Those days were complete, burning hell. It was three weeks since the actual…mishap, and a little over five weeks since my last period. I found myself having the intense desire for menstrual cramps and uncontrollable mood swings in a way that I never thought I would. I wanted my goddamn period back. But Edward Cullen took it away from me, and I couldn't see him for two more days.

Alice was pretty much M.I.A. She spent a lot of her time at Jasper's apartment, probably fucking a lot and laughing at my expense when she took her birth control each day. Suddenly, sex had a new meaning to me. I was never really promiscuous, per say, but I would screw whoever I really wanted to and I wasn't worried about the repercussions because there were never any. What, maybe I would see some guy I'd accidentally slept with at the bookstore when I didn't have any makeup on. Or maybe I'd have an awkward run-in with a random dude I'd hooked up with during some trashy rush party on our way out of a Stats exam. But now…sex was taboo. Sex made more people. It wasn't an excuse to casually wrap my legs around some hot frat guy and help him get his rocks off. It made fucking people. I had a person inside me that I had to take care of. And that person was genetically connected to Edward Cullen, who may or may not have pissed his pants in the seventh grade. Shit.

I'd made up a nice speech to recite to him. Something along the line of, Hey, Edward. Remember when we got freaky on a Mufasa sleeping bag in some guy's living room? Well, now I'm sort of pregnant. My bad.

Fuck no.

Alice took the liberty of scheduling a doctor's appointment for me that Wednesday, despite her shitty attitude and horrible bestfriendmanship. Luckily, it was before I would see Edward in my Thursday Lit class, and I could at least put it to rest once in for all that I was seriously—no jokes—pregnant, not relying on some cheap test from CVS. I wanted to make absolute sure that I was having a kid before I told my baby daddy that I got knocked up and the baby was half-him. Jesus. Something inside me told me that this was really real what was happening, and that no matter what, the little smiley face on my pregnancy test wasn't going to frown any time soon. Maybe it was instinct, or maybe I was truly fucking crazy like Alice always said.

Present

"Aw boo," Edward whined. "You showered without me." He was lazily licking excess brownie batter off of my white spatula, sitting on the edge of the counter and swinging his legs. He was so childish today. I kind of loved it.

"Well you didn't exactly come knocking. I always encourage visitors," I purred in a pathetic attempt to be sexy, kissing his temple before pulling myself up on the counter beside him.

"Here." He dipped a spoon in the still half-full bowl that sat in the sink, handing it to me. I guess the batter would never make it to the oven.

"How was your day?" I asked casually, the metal of the spoon rattling against my teeth.

Edward ignored me, playing with a tattered string hanging from the leg of my cut-offs. "Guess what?" he asked suddenly, his fingers slipping under the fabric of my shorts.

"Kitchen counter sex?" I guessed, shifting the giant mixer further down the counter to make more room to lie down. Maybe Edward wasn't the only horn dog out of the two of us.

He chuckled tolerantly, grabbing my wrist and pulling me upright when I began to lay back. "No, silly. Keep it in your pants. I'm being serious."

"Okay, then," I said, frowning. "What is it?"

He took a deep breath. "Jasper wants to marry Alice."

"What?" I squealed, my spoon clattering to the floor. "Since when?"

"Since a while ago, apparently," he sighed thoughtfully, ignoring my scattering utensil. "He just told me when I was driving home from the office."

"Does Alice have any idea?"

"Nope. And you're not going to tell her."

"I won't say anything," I promised. "But…but they've only been together for a little longer than we have!" I stammered, my voice raising.

Edward chuckled without humor. "Try a year and a half longer, Bella. That kind of time makes a difference."

I frowned at his words. They meant that Edward wasn't going to follow in Jasper's footsteps, and even though I wasn't wishing for a traditional, suburban lifestyle like Alice was, it would be a lie if I said that I wasn't looking for marriage down the road. "Why didn't you tell me when you got in?" I asked, slurping the last bit of goodness off the spoon before tossing it into the sink.

"I was going to…before I saw you in those sinfully tight pants cooking, all domestic and shit." He grinned impishly as I palmed him in the forehead, snorting.

A Few Years Earlier

"So I was given an opportunity and I took it."

"What are you talking about, Alice?" I asked. She was being annoying and cryptic and I had a headache.

"An opportunity. It was bestowed upon me by Jasper, whom we all know and love." She smirked, twisting a piece of her short, black hair around her pointer finger.

"Okay. So what?"

"I got Edward Cullen's phone number," she sang, waiting for a reaction.

"Cool." I tried to feign indifference as I shoveled another spoonful of Ben & Jerry's into my mouth, but I'm sure she didn't miss the way that my pitch screeched embarrassingly like a teenage boy going through puberty.

"And I called it," she remarked simply.

"What the fuck, Alice?!" I shouted, my face flushing. "How could you do something like that?"

She had instantly leapt from the couch, backing up against the far wall with her hands up defensively as I sought a way to successfully charge at her. I was going to choke a bitch. Or at least shank her or something. "Relax!" she yelped as I trudged towards her. I imagined that she could probably hear the Jaws theme in her mind with every step that I took. "I didn't tell him!"

"You didn't tell him what exactly?" I asked, fuming.

"That you have a…a thing. You know," she said quietly, jabbing a finger towards my stomach. "I just told him that you wanted to meet him after your class tomorrow. Somewhere nice. Somewhere private, maybe? Bella, please don't slap me."

"Why did you feel so inclined to get yourself involved? You're involved with everything in my life. Just let me do this on my own, okay?" I said firmly, my jaw clenched.

"Okay, okay, I get it," she relented. "I know I was a bad friend to you these past couple of days, and I'm trying to fix it."

"So what did he say?" I prompted, still angry. But for some reason, Alice's expression lightened, and she smiled hugely.

"Piss Pants says he wanted to see you. He said he was going to try and talk to you anyway, even if you hadn't sought him out."

"Sought him out? Cullen thinks I want him?" I choked.

"I guess," she said, shrugging. "But the point is that you have a semi-date with your BD that's granted to be dysfunctional. And you also have a doctor's appointment in twenty minutes, which you're going to be late for if you don't hurry."

Alice was going to be the end of me.

*

I felt a hand shaking my shoulder as I dozed in my chair. I couldn't remember where I was, or why I was there in the first place. All I knew was that the putrid, pink vinyl chair beneath me felt nice and that Judge Judy had been playing continuously on a television set in front of me.

"Mrs. Cullen?" an annoyingly nasally voice called, about two centimeters away from my nose. "Mrs. Cullen?" the voice repeated as I opened my eyes just slightly, taking in all of this mystery woman's bright orange lipstick and her positively delish snaggletooth. "Bella?" she asked, more irritated this time. "Bella Cullen?"

Now that was enough to wake anybody up.

"That's not my name," I squeaked, scooting immediately into an upright position. Aha. The doc's office. It was Wednesday, and I was preggers. Shit fuck goddamn it.

"I'm sorry," Snaggletooth sighed. She didn't sound sorry at all. "The young woman who called to make you an appointment said that your name was 'Bella Cullen.' But regardless of who you are or who you think you are, Dr. Gerandy is waiting for you just through that door." She pointed flippantly to where I was supposed to go.

Alice. That conniving, little bitch. She would do something like that, leaving Edward's last name as mine. It was like kicking a dog with three legs--just plain mean.

"Swan," I remarked pointedly. "Swan. That's my last name."

Snaggletooth chuckled under her breath, walking her saggy ass back behind her little check-in desk like she was someone important. "I'll make note of that," she droned, licking her protruding front teeth as she placed a pair of hot pink glasses on the end of her nose.

I opened my mouth to say something smart back to her, but then I realized that I was fighting with a doctor's office receptionist and that I was more than likely losing my marbles. I made do with a harrumph and a foot stomp before I made my way back to meet Dr. Gerandy.

*

"Okay, Ms. Swan," Dr. Gerandy said slowly, his voice low and slightly teasing. "Are you ready to find out if you're going to be a proud Mama Bear?"

Christ, I hated this man. He was talking to me like I was fucking five years old. It was beyond annoying. I'd endured a five billion hour-long survery, pretending like I gave a shit about anything that he said. He'd given me a 'cuppy wuppy' to take a leak in and then gave me a round of applause when I returned it to him, half-full. And now he was treating the worst thing that could ever happen to me like it was a game of fucking Jeopardy.

"Yeah. Fine. Whatever," I droned, my voice a monotone.

His smile fell infinitesimally, but not enough for my liking. "Okay…let's see here…" Now the fucker was dragging it out. Like he assumed I was all anxious and excited to see if I was truly as knocked up as I thought I was. Asshole. "You are…wow. This is new."

"What's new?" I spat, leaning forward to look at his clipboard.

"It appears that I thought I had some good news to tell you, Ms. Swan. I apologize for being so--,"

"Jovial?" I interjected.

"That's one word for it," he laughed, cracking the first non-vomit-inducing smile of the afternoon. "I thought that you were pregnant for sure. But I suppose it was just an odd change concerning your hormones. The results of the survery of sorts indicates that you are pregnant, but your urine samples detect that you are not. Ms. Swan, you are not going to have a baby. At least not yet." And again with the shit-eating smile. I didn't mind. He could smile his creepy smile at me all day, making me fill up all of the fucking 'cuppy wuppies' in the entire office. All that mattered was that I wasn't pregnant.

Victory is mine.

*

My palms were sweating like it was my job, and it was too hot for the sweater I was wearing. I'd worn it only because it was fucking January, but the sun was burning my scalp.

But Edward had wanted to meet here, and I guess that I owed it to him. I'm not sure why I agreed to meet him, since I wasn't technically connected to him in any way whatsoever anymore. But he had sounded eager, and I wasn't heartless. So there I waited, wringing my fingers on the bench as Edward skipped towards me from across the quad.

"Hey," he chirped. "Sorry to hold you up. I was on the phone with my dad. I'm going to live with him for a while this summer and I had to work out moving plans and stuff like--,"

"Neat," I said, cutting him off. I had agreed to see him, sure, but I was virtually uninterested in anything that the kid had to say. So why was I there?

"You okay?" he asked quietly, dropping beside me. His wrinkled, olive-colored corduroys had a little hole in the knee, and I could see the pale flesh of his skinny leg.

"I'm okay," I sighed, meeting his gaze. He smiled at me ridiculously, obviously assuming that since we'd fucked we had some bond or something like that. "I'm just…flustered. That's it."

"I get it," he nodded. He looked at me pointedly, his weird, golden eyes sparkling a little in the sun. I'd never really noticed them before. Probably because the only time I'd really seen them up close, I had on beer goggles. They were the creepiest color, not quite like a sunflower but maybe more the color of wheat. Weird.

"Actually, it has something to do with you," I blurted. Open mouth, insert foot.

"Concerning…"

Well, I was already in too far. So why not? I was never really one to hold back or waste my time with any sort of embarrassment.

"I thought I was pregnant," I muttered, picking at the sleeves of my sweater. "No biggie."

"Oh. Um. Okay," he said calmly, a twinge of hurt in his features. "Do you…have like a boyfriend, or something? Is that what you wanted to say to me?"

I rolled my eyes. For a smart kid, homeboy was retarded. "No, Edward. I don't have a boyfriend. Sheesh. It would have been yours." Not to mention that I hadn't been laid since I was with Edward. That shit was off.

I could hear his mouth drop open with an audible pop.

"W-what? Wait, hold up. Me? You? Baby? What!?"

"Oh, calm down, would you? Stop shouting. People are looking." His creepy, yellow eyes were bugging out of his head abnormally.

"So let me get this straight," he choked, turning his gaze back to mine. "You thought you were pregnant…with my kid…and you had your friend call me to tell me to meet you?"

I shrugged stupidly. "Pretty much, yeah. But Alice acted on her own accord."

He scoffed, turning his head away from me. "Smooth move, Bella."

"Look, I'm sorry," I whined. "I didn't mean to make you mad. We hooked up once, you know? And I was freaked out. At least I told you. I worked up the nerve to come and tell you and it's not even important anymore."

"But it is important. What if it was actually going to happen?"

I paused, at a loss for words, when Edward's eyes widened even further.

"It's not going to happen, right? Fuck! You're, like for sure not pregnant, aren't you?"

Yep. Now people were definitely staring.

"Pipe down, would you?" I sneered, irritated. "I'm not pregnant. I just thought I was. And I figured I'd tell you, just in case you wanted to know."

"Well aren't you considerate," he scoffed, his pale cheeks blushing. "I came here, thinking that you were digging on me or something, and then you give me the whole, 'I'm-pregnant-oh-wait-just-kidding' spiel? Well aren't I a lucky motherfucker."

He was a blubbering, stuttering mess, and he was pulling out so much of that copper hair that I was sure he'd go prematurely bald. I was completely having a terrible case of word vomit around him, but at least it wasn't fucking morning sickness. Ew.

But I wasn't going to waste my time getting upset while Edward whined and squealed like a little baby pig. It was natural for him to be confused, and maybe even a little pissed off. But now the boy was being downright ridiculous.

"Let's go out sometime," I said casually.

"Are you serious?" he asked, his brow furrowing. "Are you crazy?"

"Yes, and yes. Let's just do it." I shrugged for the thousandth time, securing a free lock of dark hair behind my ear.

"Well, Bella, we already tried that," he coughed, taking my invitation out of context. "We already went that route, and I woke up on a Lion King sleeping bag alone. So my answer is no."

And at that, he walked away, yelling something about never wanting to see me again.

Edward Cullen called the apartment that I shared with Alice exactly five minutes after I'd walked in the door.

Present

"Hey, Bell?" Edward called, rapping lightly on my bedroom door as I shimmied into some skintight pencil skirt Alice had loaned me.

"Yeah?" I grunted, squirming into a pretzel just to get the satin over my ass cheeks. "What do you need?"

"Cancellation on dinner plans tonight."

"What? Why?" I growled, looking down at the skirt that had taken me around ten minutes to squeeze into. Tight, yes. But downright sexy as well.

"Jasper called. He and Alice are coming over here to cook."

"Agh," I moaned, flopping backward onto the bed as Edward rattled the doorknob.

"Can I come in?" he asked foolishly, already halfway through the door.

"You would have come anyway," I laughed, curling up against him as he leaned back beside me.

He planted a kiss on the top of my head, looking at my thighs with his strange, golden eyes. "Nice skirt," he chuckled. "But probably not appropriate for company. Or anyone else's eyes other than my own, for that matter."

"It's Alice's," I defended, tugging awkwardly at the hem while trying to remain horizontal.

"Well, then, hopefully Alice won't mind if I remove it with my teeth," he grinned, wiggling his eyebrows. Same old, same old.

I had almost managed to get the thing off to iron out the day's extreme sexual tension before Alice let herself into the apartment without knocking. Damn. Cockblock.

She was always doing shit like that. From the phone call to Edward to the doctor's appointment all through college leading right up until now. Well, Jasper could have fun with that for the rest of his life.

Here comes the fucking bride.

so...how did i do? no worries, this fic has NOTHING to do with bella's pregnancy. that is frankly an over-used subject matter and i am NOT about to go down that road. this whole pregnancy scare bit was just how bella and edward sort of came to be. i'll elaborate more in coming chapters. it's so...edward-and-bellaish, isn't it? REVIEW!