Such Sweet Sorrow

The world rushed by in the blur of green and grey as I drove. I went over the words that I had come up with on the plane but somehow they didn't seem to express what I really wanted to say. Were there any words that would explain how much I loved him, how much I missed him, how much I, and our girls, needed him?

I felt my heart stuttered as I spotted my destination. I took a deep breath, slowed the car and turned into the driveway. The damp grass, moss covered trees and falling leaves made it look so beautiful that the anxious feeling I had had since taking my seat on the plane eased slightly and I could see that I had made the right decision. I parked in front of a line of white garage doors and stepped out of the car. The air I breathed in was wet but refreshing. I found myself thinking I could easily live here, then reminded myself that the hard part was yet to come. I stepped under the vibrant green trees and approached the blue-grey door. With a deep breath, I raised a hand and knocked three times upon the hard wood. My breathing accelerated as I waited and I turned away from the door to pull myself under control. But I heard no movement from inside and no one answered the door. I started to worry he wasn't in when I heard noises from around the side of the house. Wrapping my thin leather jacket around me against the cold, damp Seattle air, I followed the noises and soon entered a beautiful green world, lush lawns stretching downwards to meet the steely grey waters below. Straight ahead was a small wooden jetty that reached into the waters where a boat was tied up. I smiled as I spotted a figure leaning over the edge of the boat, working hard. I knew he had not spotted me yet. I kept walking over the emerald green grass and down the steps ahead until I was only a few feet from the water's edge. I paused, watching him work and then let my gaze wander, taking in the absolute beauty of my surroundings. Suddenly the noises ceased and I looked back to the man standing beside the boat, who was gazing at me with a mixed expression. Confusion, joy, with maybe a hint of victory. Maybe I just knew him too well. Either way, I had come to him like I guess we both knew I always would. His feet made heavy thuds on the wood as he approached me slowly, slipping his hands into his pockets, his gait making me smile. How many times had I watched him in the ER, smiled at the casual way he walked? I half expected him to run his hand through his hair. As he got nearer I felt my smile falter, wondering yet again, what I would say. All my carefully prepared words had vanished, leaving me with nothing but of how sure I was of my love for him. He was smiling though, and his face, lips pulled at the corners, that twinkle in his eye, returned the smile to my face. He stopped not two feet from me, his red check shirt blowing in the breeze and I was seized by the fleeting urge to grab the shirt and pull him closer to me, not wanting that small space between us. I noticed how I felt totally relaxed now. There was no fear or feeling of being unsure. It just felt right. Simple as. We gazed at each other for a few long seconds and I drank in every single line of his face, re-memorizing it yet I had never really forgotten. How could I? He shuffled his feet as he did when he was nervous and I wanted to laugh at the awkward moment we shared.

'Where are the girls?' he asked with his deep, husky voice, sending shivers up and down my spine. We had talked on the phone but the distance hadn't done his voice justice. It was electrifying to hear it again and to feel his breath on my cheeks, tingling them.

'They're with my mom' I replied and he smiled more widely at me. Maybe he thought my sudden appearance had something to do with the girls, that something was wrong.

I smiled at him, taking a breath to explain exactly why I had turned up out of the blue. But in that second, words failed me. There was none to explain how I felt. He gazed at me, waiting for me to speak and the only think I could think of to say was, 'It's beautiful here', as I looked out across the waters again. It took only seconds for my gaze to return to his face again and he was still smiling at me, and his expression was clear this time. He was overjoyed I was here. And knowing that, I knew also that no words were needed. We knew each other too well for that. He knew and I knew. We smiled at each other like idiots again until I could no longer resist. At the same time, we closer the space left between us. Our lips met and my heart rejoiced. I melted into his warm, familiar embrace, cherishing the feel of his body against mine again. His hands ran through my hair, down my spine and back to hold my face tenderly. We broke apart but I wrapped my arms around his neck, never wanting to let go again. He held me tighter against him and lifted me off the ground. Pure joy ran through every vein in my body and I knew he felt the same. The moment was prefect and for the time being, was left like that.

It didn't take long for our reunion to take to the bedroom. Our hands raced over the other's body, knowing it well and feeling no hesitation. We basked in our renewed devotion for each other and made passionate love all afternoon.

It was dark when I woke and I sensed I was alone before I even rolled over to find the bed empty next to me. I sat up and pushed my hair away from my face and squinted into the darkness.

'Doug?' I mumbled. When no reply came, I stood, slipped into his shirt and headed for the strip of light coming from under the door. The house was eerily quiet but I did not fear he was gone, like the many times before. I descended the stairs and found a light coming from the kitchen. I pushed open the door and slipped into the room, quietly. Doug was standing with his back to me, bending over something on the counter that I couldn't see.

'I was wondering where you'd gone' I said quietly and he jumped and turned to face me. He smiled.

'I wanted to surprise you but you're here now. Come here' he said, holding out a hand for me to take. I went to his side, and laced my fingers through his before I even looked down at the counter. When I did, however, tears sprung to me eyes. On plate sat a pile of pancakes and on them, in chocolate syrup was the words 'I love you Carol, Tess and Kate'. I gave him a watery smiled and he rested his hands on my shoulders and leaned in to press a kiss to my head.

'I do love you' he whispered.

'I love you too' I replied. The words I had spoke to Luka earlier that day came back.

'Luka, I can't have dinner with you tonight' I said, rushing over to him in Exam Three. He looked up from the chart he was holding. 'Okay' he said though I could see he looked confused. 'I'm so sorry' I told him, meaning every word. I had never wanted to hurt him. 'For what?' he asked, even more confused. I took a breath. 'I have to go find out' I said. 'Find out what?' he asked, and I knew it was dawning on him what I meant. 'If he's still in love with me because I'm still in love with him. I am. I've been in love with him since I was twenty three years old. He's everything to me. He's my life'. Luka was looking up at me sadly but I needed to explain. 'I feel complete when I'm with him and I feel empty when we're apart. He's the father of my children and he's my soul mate' my voice had become a whisper as I watched Luka's heart break. I wanted to reassure him. 'You'll find someone, Luka. You will. You're such a wonderful man. She's out there, I know she is. Someone who will love you like your wife loved you' I told him. I wiped at my tears now flowing down my cheeks and leaned over to him. I kissed his forehead and both his cheeks, wishing I didn't have to do this but knowing I had to. 'You will find her' I whispered once more before turning and quickly leaving the room.

'What's wrong?' Doug asked, seeing my expression. I smiled, quickly.

'Nothing' I told him. He smiled and handed me a coffee, made just the way I liked it. We both sat down on high stools at the island in the middle of the room. The time had come for explanations. I took a sip of my coffee as I thought of what to say. I guess at the beginning was the best place to start.

'I'm sorry that I didn't come with you. I know now that I should have, even if we didn't know about the girls at the time. Pride held me back. I wanted you to stay in Chicago. I thought I should mean at least that much to you. I was so angry and I just wanted to forget. Luka helped' I began.

I didn't want to tell him about Luka but knew that if we were to start over again, the slate had to be clean.

'He was a moonlighter, an attending and after a while, Kerry offered him a job at County. He didn't know anybody and I felt like I had nobody and we became friends. Then, when I went into labour on Thanksgiving, he was the one that found me at the El station and carried me all the way to the hospital when I passed out. He saved my life. I guess I was too grateful. After the girls were born he helped me a lot. He came with me to buy a car, he looked after Kate when she was sick, he cooked me dinner and brought me out places. I was still angry enough with you that I didn't feel guilty about it. Until he kissed me' I explained.

I glanced up at Doug then and saw his expression. I wondered if I should go on but I knew I had to.

'Then my birthday came and you sent those Animal Crackers. I started to feel less angry. Then this morning at work, a woman came in with her family. She was end-stage ovarian cancer that had spread to her liver and diaphragm. She had a DNR but when she coded her daughters weren't there to say goodbye. Luka and I resuscitated her even though Kerry and told me not too. When she was stabled I went to get her daughters. The older one didn't want to go in to see her at first. So I sat with her and talked to her. She said it wasn't fair, that she didn't want just a dad, she wanted them to be a family like they used to be. It made me realise that Tess and Kate were in the same position and they hadn't even gotten a choice. It was unfair. After she died, her husband came to thank me for my help. He asked me did I believe in soul mates. And I realised I did and that you were my soul mate. I left the hospital straight away and came here' I finished.

I looked up into the face of the man I loved and saw the slight smile on his face.

'What?' I asked.

'You were never the type to believe that soul mate stuff' he said.

'But I always believed in us, even if I didn't know it' I replied. Doug smiled and leaned across to hug me.

'Thank you for telling me all that and I'm not mad. But I do have one question' he said.

'Shoot' I mumbled into his chest.

'Will you stay?' he whispered. I looked up into his big brown eyes, knowing my answer without even thinking.

'Forever' I whispered, tucking my head back under his head and closing my eyes. A feeling of complete serenity washed over me. I was back in the arms of my soul mate and I never planned to leave them again.

We sent for the girls the next day, and we never looked back.

AN: Please please let me know what you guys think! If you never plan of reviewing my other work just please review this piece. It was so hard to write but something I was planning for ages and I really want to know your opinion. Even if it's bad...please let me know.

And if you did like it and want to read my other stuff, start with Road Home and then on to Family Secrets. Both stories are about the Ross family after they move back to Chicago when the twins are fifteen.

Hope you enjoyed this,

Katelyn x