I don't know why I did this. I was listening to this song and it just sort of happened and i'm sorry.
I do not own Rizzoli and Isles.
It's been a month since you said goodbye to her at the airport and you have spent every day listing the things you miss about Maura Isles. Her hair, her laugh, her smile, her indirect humour, her google talk. The list goes on and on.
You know that, when you see her face next year, things will be different. She had gone to africa to meet Ian and you had let her walk away without a single word of protest.
Because you never realised you had to protest.
She had asked you before she left if it was okay and you know now why she did. It was because she loved you. But back then, you didn't know you loved her back.
You know it's too late. She loved you, but you had pushed her away without knowing you were doing it. She loved you and you let her walk away and it took that much for you to realise just how much you needed her in your life.
You know that Ian will give her everything you could not.
She was the sun when the darkness seemed relentless. She was a breeze of cool air when the warmth was making it hard to breathe. She was your pillar.
And you let her walk away.
and your house feels so empty.
and your heart feels so lost.
and you only realised how she fit into your life when you let her walk away.
Now you wake up and your hands graze over the empty space beside you that she had only taken up a few times before, but yet it has never felt this hard to be alone.
You wake up and you wait to hear her laugh and every day you cry because the silence has never felt this loud.
You wake up and you walk into your kitchen and stare at your hands as you wipe down the already clean countertops.
You look into your glass of vodka and you think about how you would trade anything to have her back here.
But you let her go.
She hasn't called to let you know that she's safe. It's been 3 months now and you haven't heard her voice once.
And then even 7 months after she tells you she's leaving, you are too scared to go near the morgue. When you do, you hear the ghost of her laugh echo in the corner of the room and hope fills you up and then disappears quicker than you can grab onto it.
She will be back in three months, but she wont be the same.
Because Frost told you that she is married now.
Because you let her go.
When Maura isn't around, you become the Jane that lived before she walked along side you. You go home alone at night and drink beer in front of the TV. You finish a 24 pack of bottles every week and you know it isn't healthy. But it makes you numb and you don't need to think about her.
The Jane without Maura seems to have forgotten how to laugh. The Jane without Maura doesn't care quite as much. The Jane without Maura walks in a battle field without looking at the obstacles ahead. The Jane without Maura is careless and unhappy and lost.
You loved her and it took saying goodbye to realise that.
When she arrives back in Boston, her job is waiting for her. She's moves into a house alone because Ian will be joining her when he arrives home next month. When Maura gets back to Boston, you realise something that hurts like a knife in the gut: You no longer have a best friend. You no longer have Maura Isles.
Because you let her go.
You only need the light when its burning low. Only miss the sun when it starts to snow. Only know you love her when you let her go.
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low. Only hate the road when you're missing home. Only know you love her when you let her go.
and you let her go.
She doesn't study your face for problems like she used to. She doesn't look for insecurities. Doesn't diagnose. She doesn't drink wine with you anymore. She doesn't force you to go to yoga anymore. She doesn't knock your door at 3am when you have a rough case. She hasn't shared a bed with you in over a year. You forget what colour her eyes are sometimes.
You sometimes forget the sound of her laugh.
You miss her google talk.
You miss her.
But it's your fault and you can't be mad at her for moving on. According to your mother, she had watched maura send you all the signs and you had only shown friendship back. You realise that Maura felt this way long before you did and it makes your heart hurt more than you thought it could.
You see her when you close your eyes. Maybe one day you'll understand why. Everything you touch surely dies.
You want to tell her. You want to knock her door and run into her arms and tell her how sorry you are. But it's not right because she has someone now that can hold her when she needs shelter and that makes you happy. You know that everyone deserves shelter. You know that Ian provides her with warmth and happiness and hopefully that will last a long time.
It's a saturday night when you finally have a conversation with her that isn't about work. She is standing at your door and you feel like you want to throw up or cry, you're not entirely sure which one. Her skin is glowing and her hair is in an effortless bun. Her eyes are sparkling. She looks worried.
You don't want to see her because you are worried you might crumble. You are worried that she might break the only good part of you thats left. You invite her in because thats the nice thing to do.
"Is everything okay?" You ask, your voice surprisingly even. "I didn't expect company. Sorry for the mess."
You guide her to the sofa and sit down, forgetting that she knows your place like the back of her hand. She stays standing in front of you.
"I miss you Jane."
You hold yourself together. You have to.
"It's been a long time."
You clench your jaw.
"I don't understand whats changed. I told you I was coming home. I told you that i'd be back and that we would catch up while I was gone. I emailed you, Jane. A lot."
You look at the palms of your hands and think about all those times she made those scars feel better just by looking at you.
They hurt.
"I've been busy."
She sighs and sits down next to you on the sofa. "Too busy to read your emails?"
You nod gently and keep your eyes fixed on the crescents on your palms. If you look at her eyes, you will break.
"I talked to your mother last week." She stops for a moment and takes a shaky breath. "She said you've been in a bad place this past year."
"No, I'm fine."
"Talk to me."
Anger flushes over you like a tidal wave and you swear your face turns purple. You can hear the blood in your veins travelling at a speed you cant explain. Your pulse is faster than you've ever experienced.
You don't understand how you got to the standing position, but your towering over her with your finger pointing at her shocked face.
"You left me. Maura you don't get to leave and come back to me as if nothing has changed. You said, all those times we talked about Ian, how much it hurt when he left you. But you left me and you promised me you would call. I didn't want an email. I wanted to hear your voice. I wanted to hear it because…god…it makes me feel a little safe. Have I been feeling down? Yes. I have. Absolutely."
You take a step closer to her and your whole body shakes. "But make no mistakes. The last person I would ever want to talk about it with is you."
you spit the words out with such venom it even hurts you.
You expect her to leave, but she sighs. That stupid, sympathetic sigh that you sure as hell have not missed.
"I asked yo-"
"GOD, maura. You asked me. I know. I let you go away and don't you think i've been beating myself up about it for the last year? How do you think it feels to watch the one person you actually feel anything for walk away so effortlessly and then fall in love with a man who dropped her over and over again? How do you think i've been feeling these past 12 months? I've never hated myself this much."
You take a step back and run your hands through your hair because you can't stop the words that are coming out of your mouth. The feelings you've suppressed.
"I want you to have a good life, Maura. I want you to be happy, I really do. I just… can't stand around and watch you while it happens because it fucking tears me up that Its him and not me thats making you feel that way."
"Jane…"
"Don't worry. I don't want you to leave him for me…I'd never ask you to do something like that. This is why I've been avoiding you. I didn't want this to happen. Maura, I just want you to be happy. I want you to be able to laugh and smile and feel safe. I just…god, I just hate myself for letting you leave like that."
"I hated you too." her words aren't angry. Maura is always so cool and calm, and you wonder why she doesn't hate you as well in this moment. Her words are calm. Her words are sorry."I spent the first three months in Africa so angry that you let me go. I wanted to call you and scream at you. But you can't force someone to love you back, Jane. I thought you wanted me to go. I thought what we had was a friendship. I always knew you felt something for me, but something inside of me screamed that you were never going to be open about it. That wasn't okay at first and that's why I left. I left because I couldn't look at you without wanting to kiss you and hug you and have you. I couldn't look at you anymore so I had to leave….I thought you would tell me to stay. I thought…I thought you would tell me you loved me."
"I wish I had."
Your words are broken and strangled. You take a shuddering breath and fall to the ground in defeat. You feel sobs building up in your chest and you know that you can't let her see you like this.
You want her to leave, but you can't say words. You've spent so long supressing this that you've broken and you can feel every single fibre in your body breaking apart and shattering to pieces. you feel the last pieces of hope escape you and you feel the wind being knocked out of your lungs.
You're curled up in a ball and your hands are in tight hard fists. You don't know if you are crying or breathing for that matter.
You only need the light when it's burning low.
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow.
only know you love her when you let her go.
and you let her go.
She sits down beside you and her hand grazes your back, willing you to take in a lengthy breath. The sobs are so loud that they are scaring you. The feeling of emptiness has been replaces with a million feelings at once.
You let her go. It was your fault. You watched her walk away. You pushed her away. You pushed and pushed and pushed until she was gone and only then did you realise that it wasn't just a person you were pushing away, it was everything.
"You'll find someone else, Jane."
But you know thats not true.
Because there is no one in the entire world you would rather be with.
There isn't another Maura Isles.
and you let her go.