If Only

by sarah.shilo

Always muttering 'if only'. These words were best suited for the ending scene. And what if she had the chance to return and do it all differently? How would she have used this if only knowing that she cannot change some things?

If Only – This story begins after Rhett left at the end of the book

She went up the staircase all by herself memorizing her plan – to go home, to Tara, and to figure out a plan to get him back. When she reached her room she began packing her bag. The day after tomorrow after the burial she'd go. She'd stop at Marietta to pick up her children.

'Going to Tara, and bearing with Sue' she thought wearily.

'Well, you did steal her beau.' A soft voice uttered.

'I must be going crazy' she told herself. 'Now I'm hearing voices?!'

But that voice was correct. She smiled a bitter smile. Long ago, the day Rhett proposed he told her that she would have done it all again. Married Frank all over again, bullied him, gone to the mills on her own and got him killed.

"If only I hadn't"

Emptiness came over her.

"Something you love better than me though you may not know it." She recalled Ashley's words. He was right, she love Tara better than him. Better than herself or her sister, for that matter. Rhett's face came to mind. Not better than him. No. She loved him more. More than she loved that red soil. More than she loved herself.

She began crying again.

"If only, If only, If only, If only, If only, If only, If only, If only, If only,–" She uttered these two words so many times sobbing

"Do it over again?" the soft voice uttered. It was there. Real. In her room.

Slowly she raised her head. She saw a faded figure. He looked the same young man he was so many years ago when she saw him leave to the war he never came back from.

She stood. She did not bother wipe her tear stricken face. Did she fear him? No, she didn't. If her mother had come, she'd die of shame. But the soft round eyes were as kind and loving as they were the day he left her to a war he never came back from. Charles Hamilton stood before her, faded but real.

"I am glad you don't fear me. I wasn't sure you'd be up to it with all that's happened with you today."

She wiped her face from the tears. What did she have with him in common? Why'd he come? A son. One son that resembled him so.

"You must know what a horrible mother I am to Wade."

" You kept him safe and alive, as you did with my sister, and Melanie gave him what you weren't capable of. Though now you will have to change."

"If only I could- -" she uttered miserably and began crying again "I never should have accepted your proposal, I didn't love you, Honey did."

"Honey didn't love me nor I her, Scarlett, believe me, where I am, one knows. No. If you hadn't married me I would have died just the same, but without the sweet son you gave me. You do know that he is as sweet as a boy can be, don't you? I never had to wake from that dream, you know?"

She remembered Ashley's words earlier about Melly being his one dream come true.

"But you must know - - Well, that I – "

He smiled at her and nodded "I loved you all these years for all you are and were. You've been the best sister to my Melanie. Though you may not know it. You were all she needed. You saved her and her family from ruin. She wouldn't have survived Beau's birth without you, or afterwards, when you never let her lift a finger, though you were slaving in the sun from dawn to dusk. The amazing thing is that you did all this without recognizing the love you felt for her. For you loved her. She knew it as well as I do, and as I said, I know."

"But –"

"No but's Scarlett. I know, and I am thankful for our short marriage, even if it only benefitted me"

"If that's how you see it, I'm glad. Frank probably doesn't, though, and Rhett, poor Rhett-"

"I don't know about Frank, he had a lot of fault. He should have checked on Sue Ellen. But he fell in love with you. You were quite charming and kind when you did not suffer from those nightmares. "

So he knew about the nightmares too.

"I killed him, Charlie. And I made Rhett miserable."

"No. Frank would have died just the same. Just like me. Just like your Bonnie and our Melanie."

She sat by the bed, looking at him. For the first time in twelve years she felt at ease with her first choice of husband.

"Had you lived, what would have happened?"

He laughed "Haven't you listened? I wouldn't have lived any longer than I had. But I suppose that, well - You had been a loyal wife to all your husbands and you would have been that to me. And I do admire you just the way you are, so I guess we would have been fine. I might have carried some of that load with you. Yet, you never would have met Captain Butler at that bazar."

A long silence fell between them.

"I still wish that I had chosen otherwise."

"You do, Don't you?"

She nodded.

"Well, this is why I came. I should have helped you more, but I couldn't. You will only get one chance, darling. And none of it may go as you wish for it."

Her eyes opened with awe.

"Do you mean to tell me that I have a chance to correct? Not to marry Frank or you, for that matter."

He looked at her sadly and nodded.

"You get your chance to choose again."

"Please Charlie. You have got to send me back. You have got to help me. Please. I'll do anything."

"Choose your time, Scarlett. Remember, it is only once."

She thought hard. What would she change, if she could? Should she go back to the barbeque and avoid the whole sequence of events? Wade's soft eyes came to her mind – if I do that there will be no Wade, she thought.

"You are right. I wouldn't have rushed to marry Honey, and he will cease to exist."

"You mean that had you married Honey, he would have existed?"

He nodded.

"And Ella?"

"If Frank had married your sister, Ella would have come to them. The two of them are their Father's spirit children, just like Bonnie was yours, no matter whom you had married."

She sat quietly for a while.

"Send me to the worse of it. When it all went wrong. Do it after Wade."

He smiled at her "Thank you, darling, but I fear you had chosen the hardest moment of choice..."

She looked at him with a stern look, and for once decided to ask for help –

"I'll do anything. Will you help me?"

He looked at her worriedly –

"Listen carefully. You will be sent in time. You may not alter other people's lives by telling them of the future. You won't remember Bonnie's death or it would be unbearable for you, but the rest you'll just have to endure. And darling?"

"Yes?"

"Remember that I love you. You still are so sweet and innocent."

"Will I see you again?"

"If things work out the way they should, no. You will see another man when you get here. Only him. As you should. But it won't matter, I will keep seeing you. Always. Till eternity."

Mist came around her. The same mist that she feared from so long. The same fog she ran in earlier that day. It was swirling around her, covering her.

"I am with you always" she heard his last whisper before there was nothing.

***If Only***

Will was looking at her. He had just told her about the taxes. To his surprise she called out loud -

"Sue-Ellen! Sue-Ellen!"

"What's wrong, Scarlett? Why are you yelling?"

"Come, pack up. We are going to Atlanta to try and get the tax money."

"What tax money?"

"They raised the taxes to three hundred dollars. If we don't get it, in a month we will all be thrown out and Tara will be auctioned. It's Wilkerson's doing. Careen, Pa, Mammy – everyone will be thrown."

Her sister's eyes were wide with fear–

"How? And how will I- -?"

"I don't know."

It was odd, looking at the young paler version of her sister.

"Have you talked to Ashley?"

Scarlett looked up at her and caught Will's scrutinizing gaze –

"What for, we shouldn't make him feel badly." She answered dryly and shortly "However, I will consult Melly." With a lowered voice she added "My sweet Melly".

She noticed Will and Sue exchange glances, but she was indifferent.

"And Sue - Let's try sewing us something pretty. All four of us should go, in fact. Careen too, if you'll convince her."

Scarlett hugged Melanie as she entered the cold room, lingering on her best friend's touch.

The whole house was in commotion. The idea of the three, since Careen wouldn't leave home, going to Atlanta brought some happiness long not seen in the white columned house.

Melanie made a joke about her going to Rhett. The whole house laughed, because they all heard Scarlett call him skunk so many times.

"Stop laughing, I decided it's time I forgave that rogue, and since he is alive, I might invite him to call on us as well."

Grey eyes at the corner of the room eyed her, and the rest of the room fell into silence

"Melly, knows we used to quarrel all the time. He just hasn't been around to make me forgive him. I might as well accept the fact that once I see him I will forgive him."

She was unaware of the softness in her features as she spoke of forgiving him, but she notice Will's smile and Mammy's suspicious look.

Two curtains were put to use and by the end of the week the two O'Hara sisters were on a train to Atlanta, with Wade Melanie and Beau. It surprised the entire house that she insisted on his coming with them stating that she'd miss him too much and that they never separated before.

"Aunt Pitty and Uncle Henry will be thrilled to see him and he will love the train! Wade, darling, you'll be riding a real train! With a steam engine!" The little boy's eyes lit "And you'll arrive at your father's town and home, darling!"

She knew what was coming. She'd send Melanie with her sister to Fanny's wedding with the green dresses, and wear her dress only on the third day. After the course of things was altered.

She wondered if she'd pull off saving her Tara.

The thought of her father's fate if he was to be taken from his home made her heart clench.

Sue-Ellen touched her hand – "I can't believe you took me with you!"

"It's your home as much as it is mine, and you are older than I was when I married. If we don't make it we will have to think of Pa. He is the only one I am really worried about."

"What about Careen?" asked Melanie

"She'll simply join the convent sooner."

Sue Ellen's eyes widened – "Has she told you?"

"No."

"Your sister sees more than she lets you know" said Melanie with reproach in her voice.

"Careen thinks you won't agree with her wish to retire to the convent."

"It's not the choice I'd make, but if she is set on doing that, it is her choice to make. She really loved Brent so. I suppose if she pledges herself to God, since Brent is with him, it would be as close as she can to having her dream come true."

A distant look came to her eyes. She thought of Charles and held Melanie's hand – 'I never did thank her for encouraging me to live, after we lost Charlie.' She thought.

After a pause Suellen piped happily -

"I can't believe we made ourselves new dresses from mother's draperies." Whispered her sister as the train started its travel from Jonesboro.

"Well, you wouldn't want Frank to see you in rags, now would you?" answered her sister dryly.

"Should I ask him for help?"

"That's for you to decide, Sue. It's your future, and it is your family. You will have to choose."

"He won't have money for the house he plans to build." She began crying.

Scarlett knew that was true. Frank had lived under her roof while married to her. She patted her sister's arm and kept to her silence looking ahead.

***If Only***

The morning following her arrival was the same morning that she went to the jail. She remembered her drive to the jail in an old lady's carriage and decided against the green dress. She asked Sue-Ellen to accompany her. They left two hours after the original time she had left the first time. As she had anticipated, Frank was near the jailhouse. She encouraged him to take her sister to see his store and gave some vague explanation regarding her doings in the area. The two did not seem too bothered, so eager to be together.

She remembered it all. Walking through the muddy cold street, passing the first solider then the captain and the shaven soldier.

"I want to see a prisoner, Captain Rhett Butler."

"Butler again? He's popular, that man," laughed the captain, taking a chewed cigar from his mouth. "You a relative, Ma'm?"

"Yes-his-his sister."

He laughed again.

"He's got a lot of sisters, one of them here yesterday."

Just like than, Scarlett flushed. Probably that Watling woman. And these Yankees thought she was another one. "Well, I was quiet worse than her" she thought bitterly. Resiliently she lifted her shoulders and waited for them to fetch Rhett.

After a time, voices murmured outside the door and she heard Rhett's laugh. The door opened, a cold draft swept the room and Rhett appeared, hatless, a long cape thrown carelessly across his shoulders. He was dirty and unshaven and without a cravat but somehow jaunty despite his dishabille, and his dark eyes were snapping joyfully at the sight of her.

"Scarlett!"

He had her hands in both of his and, as always, there was something hot and vital and exciting about his grip. Before she quite knew what he was about, he had bent and kissed her cheek, his mustache tickling her. As he felt the startled movement of her body away from him, he hugged her about the shoulders and said: "My darling little sister!" and grinned down at her as if he relished her helplessness in resisting his caress. She couldn't help laughing back at him for the advantage he had taken. What a rogue he was! Jail had not changed him one bit.

Her heart skipped joyfully as she laughed. The last time she saw him was a mere few days before. A seven year older Rhett, with a heart and a spirit broken man. How had they come to that, she wondered? She was swallowing hard.

When he had closed the door behind them, Rhett came to her swiftly

and bent over her.

"Can't I really kiss you now?"

She did not answer him, but a soft smile adorned her features. He looked at her surprised by her reaction, but before he could figure out her expression she noticed his lips, and brushed them softly, than she moved backwards before he could figure out what was going on-

"Now, let me see you, Rhett. You look absolutely dreadful! When was the last time you had a decent bath? But you seem better fed than others."

She was wearing her aunt's thin shawl. She smiled as she took it off. His eyes widened as he saw the patched dress she was wearing and her overly slim figure.

"Don't give me that look, it's rude. I believe it is the same dress you last saw me with, darling." She tossed her head in her old flirtatious manner, enjoying her own act "I do have one nice gown at Aunt Pitty's and I was planning to wear it this evening in Fanny's wedding. Well, perhaps I won't wear it after all."

His eyes twinkled -

"It's worth being in jail to see you again. I really couldn't believe my ears when they brought me your name. You see, I never expected you to forgive me for my patriotic conduct that night on the road near Rough and Ready. But I take it that this call means you have forgiven me?"

"I forgave you, alright. Although I cursed you like crazy for months. Melly laughed like crazy when I said I'd let you call on me while I'm here. Than we were told of your incarceration..."

He laughed and with an honest look on his face he looked at her apologetically –

"Has it been hard? The past months, I mean."

"Hell, is more accurate than simply hard."

He took her hands in his and turned them. This time she was prepared and almost laughed as she saw his eyes narrow at the sight of her bruised calloused hands.

"Mother always said you could tell a lady by her hands, Rhett. You were right to assess my unladylike character, apparently. Never was, and never will be."

But he wasn't fooled –

"What happened?"

For the next hour she enfolded some of it. Her mother's death, her father's state, the work, the starvation. She went briefly through the incident when the Yankees came to Tara. She failed to mention the deserter she had killed.

"There are things you aren't telling me. What brought you here?"

"Well, if you must know, I came here to try and raise money to pay the taxes. Our former overseer wants Tara to be auctioned. He got them to raise it to 300 dollars in gold."

"Can't your family help you?"

Uncle Henry is hardly paying the taxes over the lot Charlie left me, and my sister probably won't ask her fiancé because he needs the money to start them a home. I was planning to ask you, but you can't help me, either, Rhett. Not from here."

Suddenly realization hit her. Rhett couldn't help her and he was released after the due date on the taxes. Charles said it would be the hardest moment. She'd have to let Tara go. But her eyes were dry.

He had his back to her at that point. She noticed his hands were fisted in his pants pockets.

"What makes you think I would have helped you? I am a monster of selfishness, as you ought to know. I always expect payment for anything I give."

She smiled and her hand brushed one of his fisted palms from above his pants, causing him to take it out of the pocket and take her hand –

"You would have. You would have tormented me horribly but you'd help. Hating the fact that it keeps a roof over Ashley's head. But you would have anyhow. "

Absentmindedly she reached her mouth to his hand and kissed it affectionately.

She touched a nerve. He looked at her with a questioning look –

"Melanie never recovered physically. She is so weak but that's merely physical. He is a ghost of a man nowadays."

Something flickered in his eyes. She realized what it was but decided to let him dwell a little longer on the matter. She wanted him to want her.

"So is the esteemed gentleman out of your heart?"

What would she do? She'd make him wonder? Would he still want her if he knew that she loved him. Only him. She gave him a mysterious smile, hoping to raise his curiosity – "Who told you he was ever actually in my heart? Maybe he was like that doll or scarf I never got? And maybe he still is there?"

He grabbed her by her shoulders gazing at her eyes –

"Don't trifle with me."

She laughed a short laugh "You were the one who said you weren't a marrying man. You were the one who abandoned me in the middle of the night. Even if I did forgive you, don't you think that it gave me a right to trifle? Just a bit?"

With purpose she circled his neck with her hands and hugged him, pressing her face to his chest, inhaling him.

"Why did you come?" he asked, still not letting her go. She wouldn't admit that she didn't love Ashley, but she also admitted that she wanted to play with him.

"To see you?" he nodded "Aunt Pitty told me you were incarcerated yesterday when I arrived. I had to see you. She said they want to hang you."

He was quiet. She looked in his eyes and whispered –

"You get yourself out of here, Rhett Butler. Whatever it costs, do it."

He bent over her and took her lips in his. His mustache tickling her. She hugged him as the tears were flowing from her eyes. She would lose Tara. He'll never know what she gave up for him, but she will do it just the same. She felt faint. A smile crept up her eyes as she remembered the other time she was here and the way she fainted.

"Don't you dare let them hang you, for I'll hate you if you do." She whispered in the sickening mist which became heavier and heavier until she no longer saw him-or anything else.

When she made feeble swimming motions to come back to consciousness, she was tired to her bones, weak, bewildered. She was lying back in the chair, her bonnet off, Rhett was slapping her wrist, his black eyes searching her face anxiously. The nice young captain was trying to pour a glass of brandy into her mouth and had spilled it down her neck. The other officers hovered helplessly about, whispering and waving their hands.

"I-guess I must have fainted," she said, and her voice sounded so far away it frightened her.

"Drink this," said Rhett, taking the glass and pushing it against her lips. Now she remembered and tried to push away the liquor but she was too tired for resistance.

"Please, for my sake."

She gulped and choked and began coughing but he pushed it to her mouth again. She swallowed deeply and the hot liquid burned suddenly in her throat.

"I think she's better now, gentlemen," said Rhett, "and I thank you very much. The realization that I'm to be executed was too much for her."

She kept lying there for a while. As she became warmer she rose.

"I'm glad I came to see you. Even if I did shame myself."

"Shame?"

"My hands, this fainting, forgiving you for your abandonment. Take your pick, Rhett. There's plenty."

"The only embarrassment is that you handled rather poorly is your reluctance to say that you don't love Mr. Wilkes."

"Don't be a fool. I love him dearly. He is my oldest friend and- - Don't get jealous, Rhett, it doesn't become you."

"Who said I'm jealous?"

"Your face. You are pea green with envy." She laughed again "You can smooth your ruffled feathers"

His brow rose comically

"Come Rhett, I haven't come here to talk of him. And you are right, I don't love him the way I thought I did."

"I'm sorry, Scarlett. Sorry for leaving you to fend for yourself. Sorry that I can't help."

She rose and came to him.

"I have no idea how to face this" she muttered

"What?"

"Losing Tara. It's Tara. It's the same as losing Pa and Ma all over again. It's losing a limb."

"It's just land, honey. A farm."

"My father once said that the Irish on me knows that land is the only thing that matters. It was the night before I first met you. I never thought I'd let go of this. I'd rather lose an arm or a leg and be maimed like those soldiers I nursed through the war and after "

"After?"

"Yes. I had plenty of them. Half dead, starved, when we hardly have enough for ourselves."

"Could it be that you've changed?"

She moved with unease. She knew the war destroyed her. He had told her so a few days before, in her former life, that he saw in Bonnie what she was before.

She gave him an odd look – "Perhaps. Perhaps not."

She did something she hardly did as his wife and rearranged his collar without looking at his eyes.

"Just save yourself, Rhett."

Oh, it was one thing giving the brave face to Rhett, while at his presence but as she left the jail house on her own, with no Frank to drive her home this time she realized that she was really about to lose her home. She'd return to Aunt Pitty's and take her father with her. Ashley and Melanie would have to choose between Atlanta and Macon.

"Scarlett, is that you?" Dolly Merriwether was riding a wagon with pies and breads at the back of it.

"Am I happy to see you, Mrs. Merriwether!" and she genuinely was happy to see the old matron.

"This is no place for you to be. What were you doing here?"

"Visiting Captain Butler."

"That no good person?! Good Lord, he - -"

"He saved me and Melly at the end of the siege, after she gave birth and took us as far as Rough and Ready, when he left to join the army."

"I cannot believe it!"

Scarlett smiled "Neither could I, at the time. I slapped his face with all my power for leaving us in the middle of the night."

"Scarlett Hamilton, do you mean to tell me that you tried to dissuade a gentleman from fighting?"

"Precisely. I was scared to death. Besides, I thought you never took Rhett for a gentlemen." Scarlett burst laughing. She could not believe she was talking so candidly.

The older woman looked stunned – "Well, if he fought, well - -"

After a pause she looked at the young weary woman at her side "What are you doing in town?"

And Scarlett told her of the taxes and the chances of having to leave Tara.

"So you've kept a roof over your family's head for a year now, slaved in the fields like a nigger and now will lose it all to a carpetbagger overseer? That is so cruel. Unthinkable. Can't Captain Butler help you?"

"Not from the jail, he can't."

She knew Rhett would still lose favor with the old guard due to his dealings with the Yankees, but at least the foundation for the future was there.

She was about to step down at Aunt Pitty's gate when the old lady grabbed her arm –

"Scarlett, would you like me to try and arrange some sort of loan? None of us would have all of it, but perhaps together, and then there's Frank Kennedy who could stay with your sister at Ms. Pitty's house, at least for a while since both you and Miss Melly are in Tara."

With disbelief she looked at the elder lady. She had made Frank collect on all the debts in her other life. She never understood his reluctance to do so in the first place. Had she been wrong at that too?

"I'd be eternally grateful."

****IO****

The remainders of the afternoon she got ready for Fanny's wedding. She saw her sister laugh and dance as she sat feeling a hundred years old at the side, when a young servant she hadn't noticed approached her.

"There is someone outside wanting to talk to you, Ma'am."

A black carriage stood near the gates. She approached as a tall black man addressed her – "Please enter, she can't come out to you."

She knew who was inside. Lord, how she hated that woman who was to be her husband's best friend and mistress. How she envied her. But hadn't the soldier said that Rhett refused her the other day? She entered.

"Miss Hamilton." A cool gazed Belle observed her.

"Yes?"

"I just came to tell you that Rhett asked me to help you."

Scarlett measured her.

"So, despite the fact that he owns your building you refused him?"

"He told you?"

"No. He didn't have to." She lied, than again how could she explain that she knew this.

"I don't know what he sees in you, and I don't know why I came to see you." Uttered Belle with evident frustration.

She was aiming to leave when a white hand gripped her "If I give you the money, will you stay away?"

She smiled, was that one of the turbulent obstacles that awaited her? "No, I'm afraid that I can't."

The following day she was at the jail again. The same soldier who had been mean to her the day before looked at her with empathy –

"Scarlett!" Rhett's voice was heavy with emotion as he saw her. She was wearing her green dress this time. He seemed confused. At the other room she smiled

"I made this from Ma's curtains. I wanted to be pretty when you see me. I couldn't bear the thought that the only picture you'll have of me is with that patched thing I have to wear."

He laughed –

"Still vain. But you look good enough to eat, I'll admit that."

"I'm going back, Rhett. To get ready. Mrs. Meriwether is trying to raise for us a loan. She might pull that off. No one can refuse her. But it's a long shot"

His eyes were exploring her –

"Belle told me she offered you the money but you refused her. She came by this morning."

"It wouldn't be worth it to be indebted to a woman who is in love with you."

"If I didn't know you I'd say you're jealous."

Liberated from constraints she had placed on herself at the same time seven years before, her pride intact, she approached him and whispered–

"Maybe I am"

"I took you for someone much more practical." This time she noticed that his hands were fisted in his pockets once again. He wanted to help her. 'How pathetic of me not to have seen it the first time' she thought with regret.

"Would you have accepted any help from Ashley? No? Well, why should I accept any from her? I'd sooner prostitute myself into a loveless marriage than accept that woman's help." She was saying the truth without malice or anger. She knew it was true.

"Have you?" his eyes were boring into hers with a hard look.

"Would I be here had I done that?"

"But you have thought of it."

"You know me well enough, Rhett." She was telling him the truth once more.

He gave her a long penetrative look.

"I have a feeling you are not telling me all that's on that head of yours."

She did not lower her gaze. She was looking at the man she loved, for whose love she was willing to pay a horrible cost she never thought she'd have to. Lose her home. She couldn't tell him the whole truth, how could she?

"Belle asked me to leave you alone, if she gave me the money." She decided to dock the question. She couldn't face or explain to him that in a parallel reality she had married her sister's beau.

"She had no right."

A silence lingered between them for a few moments.

"Who told you I was her silent partner?"

She cursed herself silently for her slip of tongue.

"No one. But I knew of your association with her for some time. Prissy found you at her place that night and there was the handkerchief with the money she gave Melanie. I assumed that she was more than just your mistress."

"Ts Ts Mrs. Hamilton, such words?" his eyes were glaring at her with a dangerous light "Pray continue, it would take more than that to take you to that precise conclusion".

"Horrible word, isn't it? Mistress!" She ignored his question and gave her best effort to look upset "And to think that you proposed to me to become your mistress not so long ago too." It silenced him. Or was it the fact that she did not lower her eyes?

"You are a terrible liar, I don't believe you."

"I don't care if you don't believe me, Rhett. The fact is I am right. You are her partner, and you dare interrogate me the way you do? Tell me something, I wonder, had I accepted that vile proposal of yours would you have suggested I moved there? Would you have suggested Wade moved with me there as well?" She knew he was becoming more and more upset with her, but she couldn't help herself. Years of resentment for his relations with Belle surfaced. Years that had not even come at that point of time and space.

"If you were a man I'd break your neck for that" he uttered quietly, but she smiled a tiny smile that gave her away "You are doing this on purpose, aren't you? Maddening me? Why?" He shook her by the shoulders, almost lazily she raised her head to him to scrutinize his dark eyes.

She closed her eyes – "Would you believe me if I told you I hate her for being your mistress? Because I do. I can't take money from her, Rhett. I am going to lose my home, Rhett. It's a price I apparently have to pay and I will pay it. Oh, it's not for honor, I have no presumptions in that area."

She thought of Bonnie and tears came to her eyes. She turned her back on him -

"You'll be out in a fortnight at the most if you stop muddling with that woman and begin working on that"

"How would you know?"

"I don't. But I'd wager all I have on that. On you."

***If Only***

Frank did not give the money. Sue Ellen was to marry him in a few days and her father was to go live with her if she didn't get the money by the end of the month. That was the compromise they reached, Pork coming along with her father and Dilcey as his wife soothed Sue Ellen's reluctance to begin her married life in such a form.

The old guard managed to raise almost a hundred dollars but it wasn't enough.

It was time.

In three days' time the sheriff would come to evacuate her. She thought of the last lucid conversation she's had with her father, when he said that the Yankees might as well burn the house over his head.

With tears flowing she touched a wooden banister. She had slaved for this house. For this plantation. But she made her choice.

She thought it would be easier. Knowing it was the right thing to do. Hoping it would give her the man she loved. But the pain in her throat was unbearable.

- Ms. Scarlett? Will's voice was gentle

-What is it Will?

-It's time to go.

-They can't wait till after tomorrow?

-We best not be here when it happens. You best not be here. I'll take you to your son and return. I promise I'll be here till the last minute. I won't let'm have it. I'll put fire as we discussed.

She breathed deep. He was right. She ought to leave now. But she couldn't. It is the price she is willing to pay. 'Are you watching me now, Charlie? Bonnie?' she spoke in her mind.

Scarlett stood. She got a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Her face was pale, her eyes swollen and her hair disheveled.

-No. I shall be the last to leave. I will not burn it down. One day I will be back here to buy this land again. This house will be waiting for me, and it will be mine again.

It took him hours to convince her to leave the place. He just couldn't bear to see her break with him. Will Benteen would never be able to repay her, but he could at least help her avoid seeing the actual seizure of her beloved home.

***If Only***

It was early morning. For the first time she could remember she was laying flowers on Charles's grave on her own. During the war she'd go there with Melanie.

-I did it, Charlie. I gave it away. Are you watching me? Lord, I need you to guard me.

She thought she was alone, but a white haired slim lady was watching her from the far. As Scarlett got up to leave she caressed the white stone.

-I never understood why you married him, but he was lucky, he had Wade. How I wish my Darcy—

Scarlett nearly jumped as she heard Mrs. Mead's words. Apologetically she smiled at the elder woman sadly –

- We were fortunate to have Wade. He is so like him in appearance and manner.

The two women began walking slowly out of the cemetery. Scarlett could not recall an incident of such amicability with old Caroline Mead. As they reached the gate and Scarlett turned the opposite way of Peachtree street Caroline Mead couldn't resist asking -

-Are you going downtown?

-To the fire house. To visit Captain Butler. He's been imprisoned.

The shock did not fail to appear in her companion's eyes. Scarlett smiled softly and patted the older woman on her arm.

-He's been there over a month now. I visited him a few weeks ago.

-Why are you visiting that scalawag?

Scarlett paused and hesitated what to answer. Her hesitance showed in her features. Mrs. Mead gave her a piercing look and huffed "Don't bother explaining. It's written all over you. Dolly told me he went to the army, at the end of it. Well, it could have been worse. I suppose".

Scarlett smiled wearily "I suppose you are right. It could have been worse. Much worse."

/

"I did as you said."

"It will be no time before you are out." She whispered to his embrace "I am at Aunt Pitty's for now, with my father and Wade. Come once you're out. If you don't have enough money on you for the National Hotel you can stay with us."

"I never thought of you as the gracious hostess."

She laughed with no mirth.

"You can say that again. For months every beggar and returning solider bunked in at Tara. I hated it."

He looked at her observingly – "So why me?"

"Don't be silly."

"Tell me" he whispered and nibbled her ear. She paused and gave herself to the sensations. Then she left his embrace and started wandering about the room restlessly.

"Perhaps I want you to amuse me." She fluttered her eyelashes coquettishly but without real interest.

"I'm not one of your beaus." He was amused by her manner. She intrigued him.

"You can say that again. I'd never visit one of them in this jail house." In a matter of fact tone she added "Don't dwell on that, but the thought of you going to Watling's place makes me shiver. Besides, Aunt Pitty is the hostess, not me."

"And that's supposed to be tempting?"

She loved his careless attitude. Remembering how much she missed it in years of alienation.

"Perhaps, and perhaps I'm not trying to tempt you. It's quite obvious you can't resist me."

He smiled at her, but than his face changed and became, once again, bland.

"And me not being a marrying man?"

"I don't buy that, Rhett. You can prattle along all you want about not being a marrying man when in fact you are meant to be a married man, a husband, a father. But if you'll insist on that matter I'll let you be. I won't chase after the moon.

A strained silence invaded the room.

A thought came to her mind – this time he won't be tormented at the thought of her in another man's arms. Perhaps it was he who wanted what he couldn't get. She felt her stomach ache. She'd given up everything.

She raised herself from the chair and turned towards the door, but retained her tone of speech – "I bet that if you thought that another man had my heart, as you did during the war, or even did not have my heart but was holding me in his arms at night you wouldn't be so indifferent. So what is it, Rhett? Are you a moon chaser?"

She was about to leave the room when his hand caught her arm with an iron grip–

"Is there?"

"What?"

"Don't play coy with me. Is there another man courting you? You don't strike me as so imaginative that you'd come with this hypothetically".

After measuring him she decided to maintain a straight answer - "No. But it never was too hard to get one" she smiled bitterly "except the ones I actually love, of course."

His hold of her became less forceful as she said her last words –

"And do you?"

"Do I love you? Need I put my feelings to words? Can't you see them? Or is it you who is trifling with me?"

"Scarlett, I'm in jail. I couldn't guarantee any—"

"You'll be out in no-time, and we both know it." She gave him a long hard look.

"You have so much faith in my ill-gotten connections?"

"Who cares how or why you have them? What matters is that you do and that in a day or so you'll be out of this wretched horse-jail."

"What is it that you're not telling me?

"Do you really want to know? All the ugly things? Why? Are you really up to it? You left me to fend for myself, do you really want to know what I had been doing all this time?"

To her amazement he kissed her lips gently, than her eyes, than her forehead – "Yes."

Remembering not to tell more than she could, an idea came to her mind. She turned and looked at him

"I'll tell you anything you ask of, once you are out. I promise."

"You'll tell me once I'm out, and for every story you'll tell I promise you I have two of my own. Much worse."

/

And so he was out. To her amazement he took her on her offer and resided in her aunt's house a few days until he took off to some distant city on business. To retrieve some of his fortune.

Her nervous aunt and the Wilkes's presence made it practically impossible for her to be alone with him.

It was the evening prior to his intended departure. They were sitting in the lounge sipping tea with some neighbors, and the discussion flew quickly to the opportunities with the enhance building in the country and awakening economy.

Caroline Mead and Dolly Merriweather were becoming exceedingly heated as the discussion turned to business opportunities and northern money.

"I just can't imagine doing business with Yankees" argued Mrs. Mead through grinding teeth at Rhett.

"I just can't imagine otherwise" interfered Scarlett to everyone's surprise. The whole room looked at her – "I know, I know, I never joined these discussions" she said as she saw the awe surrounding her "but since than so much has happened, and for myself, I can't imagine Mrs. Merriweather not selling her pies and breads to whoever asks, or Frank in his shop, and for that matter any other businesses, of whichever scale. We don't have to marry them, but it is part of reality, isn't it?"

Both Dolly Merriweather and Frank Kennedy seemed flushed –

"Scarlett, you surely don't think that it is the same to sell and to actually make business partnerships or investments is the same" stuttered Frank.

"Actually, I do, Frank. Business is business. It would be silly to pretend otherwise. If you had, let's say, a mill, just for argument's sake, wouldn't you sell lumber to Yankee contractors? You would be wrong to limit yourself to Southern enterprises, especially when it is scarce. No, take their money and take as much as you can!"

The poor man seemed as if he were about to receive a heart attack. She realized that the idea for the mill was his to begin with, and smiled tenderly. She lowered her voice and affectionately patted Mrs. Merriweather's hand -

"I know, we could go through the streets and not greet the people who buy from us, but wouldn't that be plain rude and ill-advised? I mean, if they have money it is best that spend it on us, and not on someone else. If one behaves sourly, the customer is bound to take his business elsewhere once such option becomes available. Besides, once we are no longer in such need, well, than we could tell them to go to Halifax."

She was arguing for herself. Though she had no mills, no store, no nothing, she was arguing for herself.

She saw Rhett's eyes following her, and she saw other eyes, grey ones with deadliness that she now understood. Her ire rose but she bit her tongue. As if awakening from a dream she retreated from the room.

She had no intention to return to the room so she set to tuck her son to bed.

"I'm glad we left Tara, Mommy." The little one yawned.

"Why? Didn't you like Tara?" she sounded sad.

"I loved it, especially the red hills and the sound of crickets, but you were always so sad and angry. Here you are not angry."

"Am I really?" she thought of the toddler's words and remorse washed over her. What his life must have been in its' former form. No softness from and angry terrified mother. "Wade, I was never angry with you, it was just too hard, is all…" but he was already asleep.

Her tears were flowing slowly. Rhett was about to leave the following day and she was sad. She felt a hand on her shoulder and she saw him.

"I excused myself with the false pretense of promising Wade a story. I see I'm too late."

She tried to hide the fact that she was wiping her tears when she stood and asked with the lightest voice she could gather "Have you maddened all the crowd despite my attempts?"

"You know me too well. But why did you bother? It never seemed to disturb you that I was a non-grate persona."

"Perhaps, Perhaps I want Wade to have play-dates despite my fondness of you. He is growing, you know. During the war I was ignored because of my association with you, you do know that, don't you?"

He blinked and it seemed to have left him wordless. After a short pause he took her by the arm and directed her to his room. To his surprise she did not resist him.

"Fondness?"

She looked him straight in the eyes and did not answer him.

"Answer me, damn you." He looked upset.

"Why should I? You are leaving in the morning, aren't you? Just as you had during the war. Coming and going as you please."

"It's not the same, and you know it. Hell, it hasn't been the same since- -"

"Since when, Rhett? Since you asked me to be your mistress and I declined, since you abandoned me to fend for myself, or since you were freed from prison? And how has it been different? Enlighten me. I am fond of you, and if there is more to it than fondness you are not entitled to know it or to question me about it!"

She was tired and upset. Suddenly she turned from him and began crying beating his chest with her fists till he grabbed them "Wade is happy that we lost Tara. He says I was always angry and sad. He is right. Dear God, my poor child is right. All he's known is this angry wretch as a mother. Poor Pa, I couldn't keep it for him."

Just as he had the night of Atlanta's fall, he mumbled in her ears soothed her aching soul once again.

"How do you do that" she asked between sobs

"What?"

"Make me feel whole, when there is nothing but your arms?" She had never told him that, but her defenses were lost in a past twirling around her in a mist that could drown her if she did not say it all. She felt him stiffen and she looked up to him with a tear stricken face "I'm sorry I put my burdens on you, I don't know what came over me." She was intending to retreat but he gathered her even closer.

"So, I make you feel whole, and you are fond of me?" he chuckled "And I could have sworn that you love me, just as I love you, because my darling, that hasn't changed. I love you, because you are more like me than I care to explain, even to myself. You still are selfish but you are full of love to the ones you care for and you'd go through almost anything for them. You needn't approve or deny. You don't care one bit for Mrs. Meriwether, and for Wade's sake you listen to her and her insufferable friends, and yet you don't sell yourself short. You argued for business with the Yankees because of me. I knew it, so the only question now is why haven't you packed to come with me?"

"Pa- Pa- Packed?" she stuttered.

"You obviously can't bear the thought of separation from me, and these are going to be a few weeks."

"I can't come with you Rhett, do be serious, haven't I just told you that Wade –"

He laughed quietly "That's what I love about you. You are not lecturing me of morality and of sin, always practical. If it hadn't been for your reputation, you'd come, wouldn't you?"

"No. Not without a ring on my finger" her quiet answer surprised the two of them.

"And why is that?" he became serious "Hypothetically speaking of course, for Wade and your father are more than enough."

"Because I want to be your wife, Rhett. I'll just have to stay behind until you want the same with me or until I find someone else to love."

"Darling, I'm not a marrying man"

"And, I, most probably, am a horrible wife. Just the same, I won't come with you unless you are my husband, Rhett."

Her direct answers that were uttered with candor and not a trace of mockery left him puzzled.

"Why do you say that?"

"What? That I won't come without being your wife? I think it's obvious."

"No, that you are a bad wife."

She sighed, what could she tell him? That she bullied Frank and broke his heart in another reality?

"Rhett, you've put it in your own words, I'm selfish and obtuse, and these are bad characteristics for a spouse."

"I don't recall calling you to your face obtuse."

"But you thought it, have you not? And you'd be right to think it. Unless things are put into verbal descriptions, I miss them. I simply don't understand."

"What do you mean?"

"For instance, you and that Belle. Do you love her? If you don't why would you want to be with her? I know you've seen her after being released." It pained her, but she saw him walk in Marietta drive knowing fully well where he'd been.

"I had cloths there. And she is an old friend, Scarlett."

"And you're not a marrying man, and I'm not a whore." She concluded and took her leave.

He did not understand why he let her leave. But he had, and she left.

She was in the kitchen before him or any other servant the following morning. She roasted the coffee beans all by herself and grinded them, spreading the fresh smell of coffee all over the room.

"Wow, it's been ages since I've smelled such fine roasted coffee" she heard him. She did not bother turn to him but she poured him a cup.

He paused expecting her to offer him some food, but she didn't. She understood his hesitation and she smiled – "You'll have to fix yourself some toast or anything else that you eat in the mornings. The smell of anything but coffee does not agree with me for a few months now, and I hate cooking."

He chuckled "So that's part of it? Being a bad wife?"

"Not really. I'd cook if you were my husband" she smiled lightly "but you're not, so I won't."

"I'll cook for you, if it pleases you" he smiled trying to charm her, but she wouldn't take the bait.

"No thank you, darling, if you were my husband I'd agree, but you're not, so I decline."

And once again like the night before she turned to leave.

"Scarlett, it could ruin it." He was talking to her back. She halted.

"It might. But you'll never have me completely in any other way. If you want to have my heart, my soul and my mind, there is no other way."

"I don't want to go without you. I adore you like crazy. Isn't that enough? We could- -"

"No, we couldn't. I'll be more accurate – I couldn't. I love you, Rhett."

With that she left.

And so he was gone a month. She found herself occupying herself in the utilization of Charles's lands downtown. She had to find some economic solution to the situation she was in. With Will's help she turned it to a small market. In no time she began receiving rent from short and long term renters.

"You might still buy it back, you know? I don't see Wilkerson holding out there for much longer" Will whispered one evening as he went through the books with her.

She gave him a long look "All right, Will. You go get us a mortgage on the market when the time comes, and we might salvage Tara."

"Where is that captain of yours, Scarlett?"

"More reluctant than I expected him to be. I expect him to be back in town in a few days, but I doubt he'll come to stay with us again."

"If he's half the man I think he is, he won't." Will chuckled.

Perhaps she was meant to wait? But she was furious at Rhett. She had given herself to him on a platter of gold and he declined. Was it really due to Frank's existence that he married her?

"I have a favor to ask, Will."

He gave her a knowing look and smiled "Don't worry. He'll see us together daily. And you needn't tell him that I'm like a brother to you."

Will was true to his word. Every day, he'd come to Scarlett at the market and was seen with her longer than a business partner would be expected to be. He'd escort her quietly on her errands in Aunt Pitty's carriage. Pretty soon the entire town was talking about Scarlett's cracker beau.

A month later Tony Fontaine came. Wilkerson was dead. This time she gave him all her cash more than willingly and instead of letting him go by horse she decided to take him to the train station. An idea formed in her head. She gave him a hat Rhett had forgotten behind when he came to stay there and kissed him at the dark station goodbye while whispering to him to stand on a hidden stool she had noticed.

The rumors of her kissing Rhett goodbye in the station were soon spread all over town. She didn't care. She was back in Tara and she knew that Rhett himself would wonder who was the man she had actually kissed, or who had ignited such rumors.

Her father died. He had jumped to his death from a horse, just as he has in the fading memory she had. She began wondering if it had all been nothing but a dream, but Suellen's growing abdomen and the black dresses they had both taken from Mrs. Mead were an evident proof for her memory.

The funeral was an odd thing, she thought. This time Ashley did not conduct the ceremony but rather a priest her sister Careen had asked to attain to the matter.

Careen and Frank were holding Suellen from both sides most of the time, being heavy as she was at her last term of pregnancy. Rhett was there, standing from afar. She remembered, as if from a dream the former funeral – herself in a too tight dress being dragged aside by Grandma Fontaine. She let her tears roll down her cheeks, holding her head high. She saw Frank step to make the eulogy as the only man in the family, but then she stepped forward surprising the lot of them and began to talk – she spoke of the man she wanted to remember, not of his shell as he had been for almost two years. She spoke of his generosity and affection to his family, neighbors and even horses –

"But more than anything" she said "I remember Pa talking of the luck he had when he won Pork. And indeed he was lucky. We all were so lucky, for in these past two years the little comfort he had was due to Pork." She saw the awe in her neighbor's eyes as she went on praising his loyal servant and thanking him, but she focused in the old servants tearing eyes, "Don't cry Pork, he is happy now."

"Pa, I don't know if you are watching us from the green hills of Ireland or these red hills of Tara, but in one thing I'm sure, whether it be "Peg in a Low- backed Car" or the more lugubrious lament for Robert Emmet, "She is far from the land where her young hero sleeps" you are singing. Rest in peace Pa, it was an honor to be your child. Now, dear friends I will escort Suellen to the house, that would be best in her condition."

"How could you do this to me?" hissed Suellen.

"Refer to your condition? Don't be a goose you are on your third term and wearing a too small black dress we borrowed from Mrs. Mead, it is quite obvious that you are with child. I didn't want to hear the dirt fall on Pa's coffin. Unlike Careen whose life prepared her to handle death as part of life, neither of us need feel his death more than we already have."

She was sitting in the veranda behind the house, watching the hills as the sun descended in the horizon.

"I'm sorry for your loss, Scarlett." She heard Rhett's voice from behind.

She moved aside allowing him to sit next to her. Absentmindedly she took his hand in hers and whispered "Thank you for coming, it was kind of you." She was tired, she leaned her head to his chest and allowed herself to cry – "I'm sorry, Rhett, I'm ruining your shirt." She tried to move but he brought her back to his chest without words "I haven't cried for Ma, not even once, can you imagine?" and her body shivered as she gave in to her mourn.

After a while she gathered herself – "Would you like some coffee?"

"You don't have to host me. Most of your neighbors left and I'll be leaving soon to Atlanta." After a pause he smiled "It was good of you to refer to his old servant, though I dare say some of your neighbors did not like it."

"What do they know? Old pea-hens" she muttered "If they didn't like that they sure as hell wouldn't approve the fact that I gave him pa's watch."

He squeezed her to him affectionately – "You don't care? Good for you."

"Oh, I care. Just not enough to change any of it." She laughed a dry laugh.

"Change?"

"My behavior."

"That explains quite a lot."

"Does it? Is there something you wish to ask me?" she knew fully well he was referring to the train station episode, but she wouldn't help.

"Nothing. It can wait till you return."

But she stayed. Two long weeks she remained in Tara. When she returned she was aware of the talk of herself being with Will in the same house for two weeks with only servants to chaperon. She did not bother explain or share the fact that Careen had too stayed as long as she had. She saw Rhett daily from a far and each time he'd see her he'd give her a cold sign of recognition with a tap on his hat.

A month after their father passed away Sue-Ellen had her first child. Ella Lorena was god-mothered by her aunt and christened with the names Scarlett suggested. Seeing the little baby girl gave her only tender feeling both towards her sister and niece.

Things were as they were supposed to be, she told herself time after time.

"I'd never thought you'd be an enthusiastic aunt" she heard his familiar drawl from beneath the porch one morning when she was covering for her tired sister.

"I am her God-mother, Rhett. Besides she is a sweet baby, little Ella."

"I was sure she was a boy, she does resemble her father like no other baby I've seen."

"Wade takes nothing from me either." She smiled softly.

"How is that, a constant reminder to a man you married out of spite?"

She felt her ire come up but she bit her tongue –

"How is it that you dare talk of my marriage when you asked me to be your mistress? I love Charlie for giving me my son and for loving me madly as he had. He was much older than me, educated, and yet he wanted me to be his wife." She said that quietly, and for once she saw the jealousy in Rhett's eyes plain and clear.

"Lusted, you mean."

"No Rhett. Loved me." She looked at him and for the first time she spoke without blushing – "Would you have allowed your newlywed wife send you to sleep on a chair? I don't think so. Yes, you'd be kind and gentle, but would you put aside your manliness just to calm down the scared girl, no, terrified girl that I was? I doubt it." She looked away from him.

"I'd expect you to blush" she heard the anger in his voice

"He loved me, and his sister loves me because of that, and that is my greatest fortune."

"Next thing you'll say you loved him too."

"No. I won't lie to you. You know I didn't."

His jealousy radiated from his eyes when his face contorted with half a smile but she hushed him –

"Don't say something you'll regret, Rhett. I did not say what I said to spite you or make you jealous. You know I did not love him when I married him. It's true. I won't lie. But he will always be Wade's father."

"So I guess at some point you allowed him to –"

"Do you really want to talk of that with me?" he heard the hidden laughter in her voice.

"No. I don't but then again if we're at it where's the cracker who hanged on your arm daily, and how does he handle the rumors of you kissing me or whoever man you were actually kissing?"

"Will's in Tara, Rhett. Jealousy doesn't become you. First Charlie and now Will?"

"It doesn't?"

"No. It doesn't. Not being a marrying man, I'd think you'd be happy for Wade and myself. Perhaps it was Will? Or has your friends told you otherwise?"

"Has he made his intensions clear?"

"That is not any of your concern. Stop it Rhett. I haven't seen you in a while and I am happy to see you. Try and be nice."

He gave her a hard look.

"Don't' play these games with me, Scarlett."

"With you? How is that exactly even possible? You explicitly said you have no desire to marry me, I'll say it again - you proposed I'd be your mistress, but you want Will to be clear about his intensions and to know who I kissed since it is obvious that it wasn't Will. But what's the difference and what do you care? I told you I loved you, remember? After that you left me, and for months done nothing to make- And to think that you called me a hypocrite once! Ha!"

She saw his fisted hands in his pockets and hid her smile He gave Ella a peck and left the terrace -

"I'd tell her father to stay home in the evenings if he's fond of her as you are".

She swallowed hard "So Frank's in the Klan." It was not a question, but his eyes rose with question.

"I wouldn't have thought you'd figure this much on your own."

"You give me little credit, don't you? Why do you bother visiting me if you think so little of me, Rhett?"

She was about to leave, but he came up again and held her hand – "I'm sorry, Scarlett."

She lowered her eyes. To her surprise he sat by her.

"Are you still mad at me?" he asked.

"Oh, not really. I wouldn't marry me either. I told you." She smiled charmingly as she said words she meant, making it appear like some joke. But he wasn't fooled.

"At the jail you said—"

"I said I changed."

"What is it that you're not telling me? Has Ash-" his voice was hard.

"No. And hush up, or Uncle Peter might hear you. There is nothing between us but the fact that he is my oldest friend from childhood and my sister's husband. But there is plenty that I am not telling you. Things I'd rather leave untold, in the place where they belong, the past."

He did not utter a word but his eyes kept piercing her, invading her soul -

"What did you avoid telling me in prison? I'll refrain from asking more"

She had to find some excuse, so she went to the easiest explanation she found -

"Are you well sat? I see you are."

"You're stalling, what is it, how bad can it be?"

"As bad as it can." She lowered her voice and looked at him with bright emerald eyes

"I killed a man - Rhett. A Yankee, a deserter, just before the soldiers came to raid us again. I shot him dead with the gun you left me. In the face. It exploded and the bullet came out on the other side. I buried him, all by myself, in our yard. I actually carried him and dug a ditch and covered it all by myself, where the vine grows and the land is soft. It was sickening, but I felt nothing when I did it, and when I cleaned it, and when I…".

His arm embraced her, and for the first time tears started flowing from her eyes, the frost she had felt for months and months seemed to melt a bit in a biting pain .

"I'm not sorry for what I did, Rhett. I'd do it again. He came to take from us the little we had, and God knows what else when he approached me, but I did do it, and I did hide it from all my family. We even took his money and horse and put them to use."

"We?"

"Mellie's practical idea, I was ashamed I did not think of it myself." She suddenly smiled still shedding tears "She came running with Charlie's sward but he was dead by the time she got to me. She is so fragile and weak, but she took the sward anyhow."

She shut her eyes and leaned to him. She remembered Grandma Fontain's words after her father's burial, that she should leave a man something to take care of.

"You needn't hide that from me."

She swallowed "It's not you, it is I. I don't want to think of it. If I could erase the long days of blazing sun in the cotton fields, I would. But I can't. I can refrain to mention it ever again, though, can't I? It's bad enough to dream of it at night."

"So, you haven't told Will?"

"No".

He remained mute for a long time. When the sun started descending he left. Her invitations for dinner were left unattained.

The morning before the Klan raid took place she was walking down-town with her son, when she heard a noise from across the street. She saw a woman fall down and a man handling her roughly. Without much thought she asked the nearest woman to hold her son for her and ran across the street.

"Leave that woman right now, sir." She was speaking with a frosty tone to a dirty tall man whom she did not know.

"Ma'am, she ain't no lady like you, you best be going now" he looked at her.

"I said – leave her be. No matter who she is, she is no animal for you to handle, though I wouldn't sell you a hen, sir"

They both noticed that a small crowd gathered on the other side of the street, so swearing a spitting the man left.

"Let me help you." Scarlett reached to the woman whose back was turned to her and who was still half fallen on the ground.

"Oh Dear!" she couldn't avoid the surprise when she saw that the woman she had fought for was no other than Belle Watling. She swallowed, non the less with blazing eyes she offered her hand to help her rise. "Are you all right, Miss Watling?"

Quietly she answered "Don't Miss Watling me, Belle is good enough for the likes of me."

A thought and a faded understanding that he woman standing in front of her was Rhett's confidant, "Are you all right, Miss Watling?" her voice was no longer cold, it was strained and thick with emotion "Would you like me to bring you some water?"

The woman gasped "It wouldn't be fitt'n, Ms. Hamilton."

Scarlett smiled "Scarlett is fine for me, wait here." She turned a walked erect to the nearest store "Ms. Chaplle won't you be kind and give me a glass of water?" the shocked store clerk mumbled an incoherent answer and gave her a glass of water. When she returned Belle was standing erect, arranging her dress. She lowered her eyes as Scarlett handed her the glass.

"It was mighty kind of you." She said and as she handed Scarlett the glass, their fingers touched for a second, but it was enough.

Scarlett knew that in this coming evening the red headed woman in front of her would be the savior of most of her friends – "Are you sure you need nothing more?"

The woman nodded and rushed away. Scarlett kept looking at her as she disappeared across the street corner. When she returned the glass she saw the disapproving gaze of Mrs. Elsing "Mrs. Elsing, are you feeling unwell?" she asked in a kind tone "Do you need my help in something?"

The poor woman had no idea how to handle the unexpected kindness and misinterpretation which she thought Scarlett suffered from – "Oh, n-no, th- thank you…"

The same evening Rhett came by the house after Wade was tucked in. He had come with a small bouquet of daisies.

"What brings you here bearing flowers Rhett?"

"I came to thank you. You were kinder than any other would have been."

"I hate her, and I hate you!" She left him and rushed to her room to cry on her pillow. She couldn't bear the thought of him being with that woman.

To her amazement he was there. He had come up quietly and closed the door she had left open behind him.

At the sound of the key she raised her head.

"What are you doing here?! get out!"

"I won't, not before you hear me. Why do you hate her or me? Is it because she agrees to be what you won't? I love you, not her, and I came to thank you because I know that you hate her, and yet, in front of the whole city you gave her the human kindness that none of the great ladies of the great South, would."

"Get out Rhett! Get out now! I can't bear it any more. Please go!"

"There is nothing between you and that Benteen character, is there? Or you wouldn't have been –"

"Of course there is nothing! Only you were stupid enough to think otherwise!" her tears did not stop.

He embraced her "look at me, Scarlett, please look at me"

She raised her eyes to him –

"There has been nothing between me and Belle since before we fled from Atlanta. I visit her, have drinks with her, but she's no longer what she used to be in the past."

"Really?"

"Really."

She weighed his words and wondered what they meant. In two days-time he had asked her to marry him, after Franks burial. Will it be at the same time? Will the timeline remain intact?

"Now be good and come down, so that your reputation won't be in tatters in the morning." He was smiling but he meant it this time.

They went down, and as they reached the last staircase she took his hand and led him to the kitchen.

"I'll fix you some tea, it's too late for anything else."

As he drank his tea he looked at her and asked "What was there between you and that Will person. You seem close."

"We are close. I nursed him back to life and he stayed to help. He was left in Tara when we evacuated. He was willing to set the house on fire if I insisted. He was in love with Careen, but she still misses Brent so she left for the convent. Tragic. He'd be a fine husband. So he hung on to Tara, convinced me to buy it after Wilkerson died. After pa died I stayed as long as Careen has. I knew you were jealous and it suited me just fine."

He took a cigar out of a box.

"You can't smoke in here."

"I'll smoke anyway." His voice dry and upset.

"You're mad at me?"

"Wouldn't you be?"

"I suppose. All right, I know I would be boiling mad, but it's not that different. I saw you come out of her place Rhett. A few times. And you did leave me."

"I know I'm at fault here. That's the biggest part of it, honey." He smiled and lightly was up on his feet helping her up as well.

He rubbed the signs the tears had left on her cheeks with his finger tips and smiled – "You're still half child, sometimes. You've never told me how old you are".

It dawned on her, here was a chance. A chance to change the course of life –

"I shouldn't answer you, but I will. I'm twenty two. I was sixteen when we met."

He kissed her gently on her cheek and whispered –

"Sweet dreams, darling. I'll see you tomorrow."

The following night she knew. It was evening. She was sitting in Melanie's parlor with her sister, Ella on her lap. Wade was sleeping in a small couch. Rhett stormed in. This time she was the one who told him where the men were. He rushed out the door. She followed him –

"You will be careful, won't you?"

He smiled at her with undisguised affection.

"Wouldn't there be talk of you coming after me?"

She brushed his lips with a kiss similarly to the way she did when she came to see him at the jail – "As if I'd care, you stupid fool."

She was about to leave him but he held her closer and kissed her long and warm kisses till she felt faint, but she wouldn't stop it, she kept answering his kisses with her own until he stopped and held her back –

"I'll be back for you" And with that he was gone.

When he returned with wounded Ashley and Dr. Mead she signaled silently FRANK? And he gave her a nod lowering his eyes. She breathed and closed her eyes. As the soldiers left he nodded and she turned to confused Suellen and softly said – "Darling, Frank is gone."

Hours later she sat at the kitchen of the house crying in Rhett's arms for Frank Kennedy, she kept repeating "Poor Ella, just like Wade."

"You really liked him, didn't you?"

"He was a kind man. Very gentle and kind."

She was sniffing her tears, realizing that she was practically cradled in his arms. She raised her face to him, observing his stern face, and without much thought she caressed the lines in his forehead, circling her hands around his neck and closing her eyes as his lips descended on hers in a long demanding kiss. She gave in to him and let his hands roam her body, his palm cupped her breast till it hurt, brushing its' top with his thumb till he felt its respond. She leaned to him with closed eyes and tears stricken face. After a while he stopped she opened her eyes to see him observe her –

"None of the fools you know ever kissed you like that, not Charles or any of your other stupid beaus, have they?" his voice was hard with unveiled jealousy.

She nodded and stood

"Rhett, I need to go home. I don't want to sleep here. There will be enough sorrow and mourn tomorrow."

"It's madness, you'll be all alone and the Yankees are outside in the streets."

"You were leaving."

"That's different and you know it. They see me as one of them."

"Well, you can take me. And it's just across the street."

"No, Scarlett. It's madness."

All of a sudden she became angry "I'll go by myself if you don't take me. I mean it."

"Scarlett, do be reasonable, you can't stay all alone in that house. Aunt Pitty is with Mrs. Mead, the rest of them are here, you can get there early in the morning."

Her scowl was similar to the one a child would have, she turned her back and was aiming towards the door, he took her hand gently –

"You'll stay?"

"No. You can't boss me around, it's not as if we're married."

"I doubt if I could boss you around even if we were married."

The voices of the past were dim but she recalled him answer her once "If you were married no one would question who wears the trousers in your household, Rhett, and you know it. But we're not, and I've been taking care of myself for ever now." She was headed towards the door -

"Stop it Scarlett. I'll take you. Cover yourself with a dark coat." His lip was curved in an impatient form "You are as stubborn as a mule".

"With a horse's harness."

"What?"

"With a horse's harness, Mammy thinks that about me. That I can try and pretend to be a lady, but I fool no one, like a mule in a horse's harness, it's still a mule and everybody knows it." She surprised herself at the levity in which she spoke of the matter. At the time it had hurt her.

Her words made him soften his features, "Again you sell yourself short."

They walked silently in the darkness. When they reached her door she turned to him to take her part from him, but he shoved her inside and closed the door behind him.

"I'm not leaving you alone."

"Are you trying to compromise me?" her brows rose cynically.

"Perhaps. Perhaps no more than you already have at the train station."

"It was Tony Fontain."

"The wanted Fontain for your overseer's death? So you helped him to get to Texas? All the saloons were wondering how he got away so swiftly."

"With all the money I had at the moment and a private compartment on the train passing for you." His eyes glittered with admiration "Well, thank you for taking me home. You can have the guest room, where you slept a year ago." She signaled towards the room and went upstairs - "I'll bring you clean sheets and a towel."

He looked at her as she went up, her form was still erect but she seemed bitten. When she returned she began arranging the bed linens. He kept following her every move.

"Do you want a water pitcher?" she asked awaking him from his thoughts.

"No, I'm fine."

She turned to leave the room, but he took her in his arms and kissed her. His arms were warm and his lips soft and warm. She knew she was answering his kisses, she knew that her body was responding to him like some old memory awakened a spirit of its own existence, with no relation to the person that she was, or was it in fact her? She felt her head twirling.

She longed for him, for his embrace and his scent. Tears came to her eyes –

"I love you, Rhett. There was no one but you. There couldn't be."

She realized she was throwing herself at him-

"I need to leave this room."

She tried to turn away from him but he held her even closer.

"You are not leaving. Not now. Not ever." his fingers began unbuttoning her dress "I let you leave this room once before and there wasn't a day I haven't regretted it since."

At that she was silenced. As if in a surreal picture she saw herself from aside being undressed and kissed by him , and herself unbuttoning his blouse, kissing his head when his leaned to take her long stockings off and passing her fingertips in his black hair, massaging his scalp lightly, till there was nothing between them but her chemise and his drawers. Her cloths were piled on the floor. He had taken the time to spread her hair from the net it was set in, relieving her from her pins. He took her by the hand and gave her a questioning look, she nodded, and that was enough, he raised her in his arms and rested her body on the four poster bed in front of them,–

"We'll marry in the morning, before the funerals, but to me you are my wife as of now. If you want us to wait we'll wait for tomorrow night."

Her eyes were wide "Am I?"

"To me, you always were my woman. I couldn't bear the thought of you kissing another man, I was crazy jealous for weeks thinking that you were alone with that Will in Tara. A few times I was half way to go and fetch you from there."

"I wish you had come, but you'd have found Will expecting you. As of the moment that I said I'd see you in Atlanta when I came here a year ago with the taxes, he knew I love you. We kept a small charade, well you know why."

For a minute he seemed amused and then he became serious again "The entire town hates me."

She gave him a long look and a small smile came to her face adorning it for the first time in that entire day–

"I know. I don't care. I never have. Not during the war and not now."

"Do you know?"

She rose to her elbows signaling to him to join her in the large bed, as he entered she snuggled to him and whispered -

"They hate you mostly for saving the lot of them. For being too rich. The Belle thing is a small part if you ask me."

"So, you'll marry me?" his arm was hugging her bringing her closer.

"You are the only person who doesn't fall to pieces when I actually speak my mind truthfully, not to mention that you are the only person that will not let me bully him to an early grave."

He held her closely again "I have no idea what made you think so low of yourself, since after the war you've been nothing but sweet to your sister, son, Miss Melly and even the insufferable matrons."

"Ask Hugh Elsing. Or my business associates. I've done the horrible mistake of hiring Hugh and he's an incompetent fool. "

He smiled a knowing smile "Of that I'm aware, but I'm proud of you for that."

"Kiss me, Rhett, and take me with you when you go wherever you go. Don't leave me again."

He wondered how she knew he was going away soon, but at her request he forgot all other words and simply complied. As the kisses became more heated and he felt her respond to his ministration in kind he stopped –

"Open your eyes, Scarlett. I need to know that you want this."

She did, at that he took off her chemise making her follow his blazing eyes with open eyes. He was on his elbow observing her naked body shamelessly. She had never experienced a more vulnerable and precarious position, but she let him – he was touching her naked form slowly, causing her to shiver with anticipation, 'that's what should have happened in the first place', she thought. Her eyes must have shown her thoughts for he smiled tenderly at her as he positioned himself in her entrance, sensing her wetness a proof to her arousal and readiness –

"You are so wet" he whispered.

"Is that good?" she asked quietly.

But he did not answer her with words as he began rocking her slowly and gradually increasing his paste till her moans gave way to louder sounds of release she could not recall in her memories, as her spasms subsided he once again increased his paste with sure movements till he fell apart on top of her. They slept a few hours, both waking a few times in the middle to find each other's sleeping form comforting.

As she woke at dawn, she found his eyes exploring her body once again, she smiled and blushed "It's indecent, isn't it?"

"No. You are my wife and I am free to enjoy you as much as you free to enjoy me. I'll take you to Europe where you'll see people stark naked in swimming areas considered perfectly decent."

She blushed to the roots of her head at the thought of watching strangers in the nude "I don't want to see any other naked men, Rhett."

He laughed "We can watch the women together if you prefer."

"Oh! You know I didn't mean that!"

He kissed her silencing her for a few moments, becoming once again aroused by her proximity and warmth. Without much thought he was once again on top of her kissing her breasts sucking one slowly as his hand massaged her hip. She widened her legs to him and nearly lost her breath when his started massaging her inner parts slowly. She came to him, her legs shivering and her eyes torn apart with wonderment. He saw her expression and smiled "I imagined you so many times after making love to you, making love to you. You're even more beautiful than I dreamed you'd be."

She kissed his lips not knowing what else to do at the moment, and at that he entered her again. When it was over she whispered to him "I doubt it if I can walk after this. What will I do, Rhett?"

"Oh, you'll walk." He laughed "Come, I'll help you dress and we'll wake the priest of whichever church you choose. I don't want rumors igniting – Mrs. Butler."

And indeed, she did not feel as if the priest was marrying her, she felt married to the man in front of her, a feeling of pure devotion and belonging.

At night they were on the train. Suellen was at Tara with Careen and Will. He apologized explaining that the ship wouldn't wait for them, He had rented a private double compartment. Prissy was with Wade in the joint compartment.

"This is so wonderful" she smiled, truly content.

"If I did not have to go for business I'd take you to New Orleans."

She sat at his lap hugging him and gave him a bright smile "I'm so glad you're taking us with you. It will be my first voyage in something other than a river steam boat or a train. I suppose it's not right to be so happy when it's only been a day since Frank and Tommy but I can't help it."

He saw something in her eyes, she noticed, because his eyes became open and bright "I love you Mrs. Butler"

***If Only***

She came rushing to their room in the Atlanta Hotel, mere twenty minutes after Dr. Mead had given her the news. A flashback of the same scene hit her. She was having fewer and fewer of these, since the course of her life had taken a major shift, being in Europe for almost six months. A pang of regret hit her again. Despite the fact that in these passing months she has seen Rhett happier than she could remember she still felt scared of the herself and of her ability to be cruel.

"Rhett?"

He looked up from the armchair "I've been wondering where you were."

She came closer to him and sat herself on his lap, ignoring the newspaper in his lap and nearly burning herself as she removed his cigar.

He laughed carelessly, "All you need is ask, I have been under the impression lately that you aren't very much into that"

She kissed his lips "Hush Rhett, you're going to be a father in about seven months-time."

He observed her keenly "Are you happy, Mrs. Butler?"

She sighed "Yes, I've dreamed of this moment, of having your child, though I hate the sicknesses and the thickening of my body, and I know I'm not epitome of motherhood."

He laughed a roaring laughter "Now, where did you get that idea about yourself?! You insist we take Wade everywhere, you coddle him like crazy and you admire him. You even attend every charity circle just to make sure that he is accepted despite me and my businesses."

As he said that she realized it was true, she was a different person than the one she once was. Her son was evidently a happy child and well accepted and so was she. She knew that most of the matrons would gossip of her 'misfortune', but she loved the happiness that accompanied her husband's freedom to act with no concern for acceptance. She smiled faintly realizing that she was different. He reached to her and with his rough hands he touched the lines of her body.

"Now that you're pointing to it, you have been feeling rather poorly, haven't you? And your breasts are heavier. Take off that corset of yours, you don't want the baby to feel its' constraints, now do you?"

She blushed but she let him undress her minutes after and examine her changing form. He was acting as though her body was a present to be unwrapped worshiping her every curve.

***If Only***

Her youngest baby was being fed when she saw Bonnie explain to her two year old sister Elena that she'd jump the fence. In the past four years they have had three children. She hated the thickening of her body still, and the nausea of each pregnancy, but the intimacy that seemed to enhance with each pregnancy with her husband was a prize worth the battle.

The picture of her father came to mind 'Just like Pa' she thought and nausea washed over her. It was too late. The only pictures Charles had erased from her memory came rushing in. She never could remember why Rhett was so bitten right before her return in time. She put the baby down on the crib, and screaming –

"No! No! Bonnie, STOP! Not like Pa! PLEASE! NOT AGAIN! PLEASE! NOT LIKE PA! NOT AGAIN!"

Rhett was at the front porch and he ran to his child, but it was too late, the bar was too high, and the pony stopped right before it.

Her child's broken form and her husband's paled face were the last things she saw before she lost conscience.

"It was my fault. I should have remembered" were the first words that she uttered when she came through. Her husband was holding her, and his tear swollen face left no place for hesitation. It was true. Bonnie had reached the end of her time on this earth.

"Hush, Honey, it was not your fault" he was rocking her slowly.

But he couldn't make her stop, her sobs were endless and she kept murmuring "I should have remembered" for hours until the good doctor gave her a shot that mercifully put her to sleep.

"She is blaming herself for not remembering that her father jumped to his death."

"That is plain madness."

"I tell you, Mrs. Wilkes I'm at lost. It is as if she doesn't see how happy and loved Bonnie was every day of her life. She keeps blaming herself. When I tried telling her that I was as much at fault for encouraging her to ride the pony she lashed at me not to dare take the blame, any blame, and cried even harder. She is repeatedly saying that she can't bear the pain again."

"She has suffered so much grief in the war, she never mourned her mother or my brother, she was with child at the time with no time to grieve."

She couldn't hear the rest -

She heard the whispers as she recalled distant words from six years before – "You won't remember Bonnie's death or it would be unbearable for you, but the rest you'll just have to endure." 'Charlie, is that why you erased it? It's unbearable. Why again?'

But it wasn't the same, and she knew it. She had had three more children to live for, a loving husband and a community that accepted her and was reaching out to help her in her mourn "I am with you always" always, always' Are you with me? my Bonnie? Mother? Father? Charlie? Are you with my Bonnie Blue? But this Bonnie was not afraid of the dark, and despite her father's grief he was not as discomposed as he had been in that other reality. She thought of her husband, the man for whose love she had traveled back in time, and she felt his arms enfold her once again. She opened her eyes and saw his loving worried face. She let him feed her, talk to her and put her to bed so that she'd have power in the following day at the funeral.

At half past midnight she awoke. He wasn't next to her. She walked with her thin nightgown at the hall whispering his name. She found him – his head resting on the small bed in the nursery. Like a cloud of white she sat beside him gathering his head to her bosom still heavy with mothers milk, cradling him as she would her children –

"I feel that it is my penance" he whispered "for being so proud, for driving her to be fearless. For being a rogue all these years"

"She was not meant to be here longer if she's gone. That is the only thing I know for sure."

He looked up at her and smiled "I forgot your Catholic beliefs"

She smiled back at him "It's not just that, I know that Charlie had brought me to you. If he hadn't been we wouldn't have been. At least not this happy."

"The bazar?"

"That's part of it, and you wouldn't have known how crazy and willful I can be if it hadn't been for that marriage or the vase you never forgot, would you?"

Despite the pain she felt him smile.

"Weren't you like Bonnie as a child, Rhett? Unstoppable?" she asked him.

"No. I wanted to be, but I couldn't."

"You weren't allowed. Well, I was, Pa allowed me to do as I pleased when ma wasn't around, even when she was." Her tears were falling despite a small smile that she had put on for his sake "I climbed trees and nearly drowned in the Flint River more times than I can remember. Have I told you of the time I fell from a tree two stories high to the ground on my stomach? I couldn't breathe for ever so long, but I was meant to be here. Our daughter wasn't."

"How can you love me so much and find no fault in me? The entire city - -"

"I didn't marry the entire city. I married you, and you know that I waited for you ever so long." It wasn't working, he was in so much pain – "Rhett, I see no other man. I see only you. I love you. If you have fault than so do I for I can't see it, and I won't see it. I am like you. In all that you do, I find pride. Pride in your wits and cleverness, and above all in your freedom to act as you please. I adore that in you. I know our children will be much happier than any others with the respect you give their thoughts and wishes. Treating our daughter as you would treat a boy, treating my son as if he were yours. There was never anyone else. It was only you for me. You are all I can see. All I will see. Ever."

"My head is pounding it's as if I can hear your voice utter the words if only in my head over and over. Why is it?"

At those words she put her finger on his lips -

"No if onlys – Rhett, not regarding our Bonnie, our blessing, we are so blessed. In so much pain but so blessed darling. I have you, the love of my life, three other children whom I love like crazy, Wade, Elena and Baby Rhett - and our first born will always be the beautiful fearless Bonnie-Blue, like the blue skies, infinite, fearless and blue eyed. My most important if only is here – in front of me. Don't look back, don't repent, I've done enough of that for both of us, for a life-time. You were the best father she could have hoped for – loving and sweet and gentle. None of the fathers I know, mine excluded are as kind as you. Never repent. And remember to be the same man you were with her for Elena, Baby Rhett and the children I will keep having with you, for as long as I can."

Was it her hushed voice or the finality of her tone? He didn't know, but calmness came over him.

In years to come they had more children and grand-children enduring mourn and rejoicing in happiness side by side.

At his death bed she wondered if she should tell him, that in fact it was a second chance that made them so happy, but Charlie had warned her, and as she closed his eyes for the last time she whispered "I will be with you soon my love, you are the only one I'll see."