This is a tribute to my late twin sister Carey, better known to you old readers as Kaoru. She passed away September 9, 2009. What I've written here is but a short description of my experience. Some of the things were dramaticized, but the core of everything remains the same. Sometime last year I deleted the stories we had done to respect her memory, but I cannot give up my writing passion for grief. I shall not post any more of our old things, but I'll continue to write new ones.

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Fall Ninth

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Morning greeted me with rumbling clouds. I stayed at my bed gazing out at the window. From the corner of my shabby little room, the calendar flaunted today's date. It was the ninth of Fall again. The day shouldn't have had any significance at all. It should have only been, what, the hangover day after Harvest Festival. I might not have taken even a sip of wine yesterday, but I felt as bad as if I'd drunk a whole barrel.

Thanks to Old Taro, I'd had the presence of mind to herd my animals into their barns the day before. It had started to drizzle during the Festival, but we set tarpolines up so it wasn't so bad. It was a typical chilly Fall day, and that made the potluck seem more delicious. The whole island came, even Vaughn, since it was a Wednesday, though he didn't seem very enthusiastic about things.

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"Don't be shy to have seconds, everyone! We've got more than enough." Felicia beamed as she handed out bowls to the island kids, namely Charlie and Lizzy.

"Ew, lady, there's veggies in here!" The boy complained, thrusting out his bowl.

"Oh, Charlie, stop complaining. They're Miss Chelsea's vegetables after all." Lizzy scolded, "Besides, they're good for your complexion."

"That's right, dear. Come now, don't scowl. Eat up." Felicia coaxed even as she scooped up a bowl for Chen.

Charlie took a small sip. "Yech," he proclaimed, but took another sip. I discreetly rolled my eyes.

"Two bowls please," I smiled sweetly.

"Coming right up!"

While I waited for my bowls, I glanced around, seeing how everyone got along. It seemed like when I decided to take up the farm, I'd also been appointed 'peacekeeper', since I had to make sure everyone was fine and dandy. Island of Happiness my butt. Making everyone happy was a horse load of work, that's what it was. If Denny and Lanna had a fight, I had to intervene, and if Elliot needed a confidence boost, I had to give it to him. Even Regis depended on me for helping Sabrina make friends. For Goddess's sake, they expected me to fix the roads!

Still, I couldn't say that I regretted helping everyone. I was making the world a better place, wasn't I? And my ranch was flourishing, let's not forget.

But there was one person who absolutely refused to be helped. And I mean a certain silver-haired, sharp-tongued, cowboy cosplaying animal dealer.

"Hey, Grumpy," I greeted, taking a seat beside him. The corner of his mouth twitched into a half-smile while he set my dog Lucky on the floor. The beagle whined, pawing his pants leg. I hadn't meant to bring him along, but he somehow snuck out of the ranch and followed me to the meadow. Besides, he seemed to have missed Vaughn.

"Hey, Shorty," he retorted.

"Here, it's good." I offered him one of my bowls and he just stared at it.

"No thanks."

"It's not poisoned."

"It's got carrots."

"Of course not."

"There were last year."

"Well, I took them out."

"It's boiled in the same pot as the carrots."

I snapped in irritation. "Take the damn bowl, Vaults. I'm the farmer around here, so I'd know if I brought carrots or not."

He raised an eyebrow at my sudden show of temper, but said nothing more. Tentatively, he took the bowl in his hands and spooned some in his mouth. "…Not bad."

I grinned in triumph. "See? I told you no carrots."

"And why not?"

"Cause you hated them and I wanted you to join us." I picked Lucky up in my lap and sipped at my own bowl. "I'm tired of you sticking to the sidelines. We're family, yeah?"

"Uh, no?" He offered, but I could see an embarrassed blush creeping to his cheeks.

"Look, don't ruin the moment, bud. The whole island's my family and that's that."

"But I'm not part of the island."

"Sure you are. And even if you weren't, I say so, and what I say goes."

He scowled. "And why should I listen to you?"

"'Cause I'm the one who makes your business, 'member? And the fact that I'm your friend."

He scoffed at that. "Friend? I've got no friends. Least of all, family."

I paused in my teasing, letting emotion fill my eyes and color my voice. "Then you're living a sad life, Vaughn." I rubbed Lucky's soft brown head, staring out at the rain. "We all need someone."

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Vaughn quickly excused himself afterwards. The sudden change of atmosphere probably spooked him. That, and the fact that I'd seemed so sad and contemplative compared to how I was usually seen. Come on, I was Chelsea, indomitable farmer of Sunny Island!

Not today, though. I was just Chelsea, the twin who survived.

Believe it or not, I actually had a twin sister. Had. We grew up the best of friends and the worst of rivals. We shared each other's clothes and we fought over boys. We did school projects together and compared grades. Clara, goddesses, I hadn't thought of her in a while, was the best sister a girl could ever have. She was pushy, bossy and generally mean, despite the fact that she was the younger of us two. She was the leader, commander, the party-goer. I was the sidekick, but whenever I wanted to do something, she stuck to me like gum under a table. We even cheated off each other once.

We wrote stories and edited each others' works. We criticized each other and pushed each other to do our best. I hated her, I loved her. I cherished her, I demeaned her. I missed her.

I wholeheartedly missed her.

The day she died was a day I couldn't for the life of me remember. One minute we were listening to our music players at the back of the family van, sharing earphones and our latest story ideas. The next was the screech of car tires. I think I passed out.

Consciousness was a blur, a cacophony of sounds. The rain was beating down on me. Clara's broken body just a few feet away. We were both lying on the hard concrete, pinned down by the car. I choked on her name, and she opened her eyes, but that was all. I blacked out again while waiting for help.

There were reassurances, the blare of an ambulance, overhead lights passing by as I was wheeled to the Emergency Room. The steady beat of the thing that checked my heart rate, and the numbness of my fingers was all I could sense. I felt something slip away from me, from my spirit. And that was all.

I gasped out loud as the memories gripped my heart in a tight fist. Even after all these years…Clara's loss still shook me. She was the other piece of my soul, and she was gone.

I woke up in a hospital some days after the accident, and the mournful look my mother had on her face told me all I had to know. My father was still recovering in another bed in the other side of the room. But Clara was nowhere to be seen.

"How?" Was all I could croak.

"…She didn't make it. 'Twas too late."

With a frozen feeling, I realized that I had actually felt her slip away from me. And I didn't know at the time. It was as if she was bidding me goodbye, and I hadn't even responded in kind.

Not all the water that was pouring down my cheeks was rain. It was almost the same kind of cold I had known, lying in that hospital bed. Almost, but not quite. Even with the rain coming down in buckets, it couldn't quite duplicate the chill my soul had experienced.

I trembled, sitting myself down on one of my mushroom logs. I rocked myself back and forth, trying to soothe the ache, my arms attempting to keep myself together.

I couldn't be indomitable Chelsea today. Fall Ninth was meant to be a day of mourning. That day six years ago, Clara stopped aging. She would always be fourteen in my memory. And to think we were a season shy of turning fifteen. She wouldn't be able to experience what it felt like to have a car, to fall in love, to raise a ranch all from scratch…

It's selfishness that keeps me tied to her, because even if everyone forgot, or tried to forget, I couldn't. Even if they tried to pretend she didn't exist, I couldn't. Everyday I look into the mirror and I see her face. We shared the same face. The same smile. The same eyes. She haunted me, and I felt so, so…incomplete.

So lost was I in my misery that I didn't realize someone had approached me. They knelt in front of me and tried to shake me out of my stupor. It was the same blur to consciousness, and like a bubble popping, I was brought back to the present with crystal clarity.

"Hey, wake up." Vaughn's face was rumpled with concern and frustration. I shivered, and without thought buried my face into the soft material of his shirt. He stiffened, but I didn't notice at the time.

"Clara…Clara… I thought…I almost forgot…she…died today…and it was so cold…she couldn't hold on…it was so cold…"

"Come on, Chelsea, snap out of it—"

"We were twins, I always needed her…she was stronger…she shouldn't have died…I…I…" I dissolved in sobs, my shoulders shaking.

There was a moment's hesitation, before his arms came around me, encasing me in a warm embrace bit by bit. We were both soaked from the rain, but Vaughn was willing to share body heat. Then he was rocking me like a child, murmuring reassurances, like I was a skittish mare, or a nervous lamb. Slowly, I succumbed to the comfort he was offering. My breathing calmed, and my body went limp.

"Vaughn…" I wavered, having a million things to say and not knowing how to say them. I should have offered an explanation, or even an apology, but instead, I went for, "Thank you."

"You're welcome." He simply replied. I felt the vibration of his voice and could hear the steady beat of his heart. I should have felt deathly ashamed at the very least, having someone witness such a breakdown. Instead, I simply felt peace amongst the exhaustion.

"Thank you." I squeezed him tight.

He rested his chin on my head. "Mm…It's what friends do."

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Carey, the loneliness is beyond words. Miss you. Love, Casey