What Would You Have Done?
Summary: Future!Brittana. Santana and Brittany are happily married. Brittany is happily pregnant. But when the worst happens, Santana has to make the hardest choice of her life. And then she has to deal with the fallout…GKM prompt fill.
Warnings: Sensitive subject matter.
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, or the songs or poems.
-G-
They've been married for four years, living in New York for five, when Brittany starts obsessing about babies. Every time she gets all clucky, snuggling up to Santana, pointing out the latest drooling, gurgling, sticky little human that she has spotted and talks relentlessly about how cute and adorable and miraculous they are, with their tiny fingers and toes and pink chubby cheeks. Santana's surprisingly not scared by it all. She's not at all keen on the idea of getting fat and pushing a watermelon out of her vagina that's for sure, but she's not actually scared off by the idea of becoming a parent. She actually kind of likes it. Even if it does involve committing herself to God knows how many years of poop, vomit, snot and sticky hands. It's the sticky hands that really get her, she thinks with a shudder as Brittany prattles on about tiny lips and button noses; little children always have disgustingly sticky hands and she doesn't know why.
About six months after Brittany becomes baby mad, they're lying in bed and Santana can't hold it in anymore.
"Do you want a baby Britt?" she asks out of the blue. She'll never forget the look on Brittany's face in that moment. Her eyes go wide, her mouth opens in shock and she freezes for a moment. Then it's like the sun breaking through the clouds as Brittany's eyes light up brighter than Santana's ever seen them before, including when she proposed, and her mouth turns up into a grin so wide Santana's sure it actually reaches her ears and she lets out an excited squeal.
"Really?" she asks in an awe-filled whisper. "Really San?" Santana laughs.
"Really," she whispers back, leaning in to brush a kiss onto Brittany's huge smile, wanting to feel it under her lips. It feels good.
"Yes! Oh my God, I want a baby with you more than anything," she sighs dreamily. Then she's talking at a million miles an hour about sperm donors and names and everything they need to buy. Santana laughs softly and listens to her talk excitedly, revelling in the happiness she feels. It's such a beautiful moment and through the years Santana's learned to enjoy the beautiful moments, to savour them and not take them for granted.
-G-
It's apparent from the beginning that Brittany is going to do the pregnancy thing and for that Santana is grateful. Maybe it's that she's still got a little of that head cheerleader vainness in her, but she loves her body and she's not ready to give it up yet. Besides, Brittany wants to be the one to carry the baby, so it's win-win for both of them really.
They spend a couple of months, doing tests, looking through profiles for sperm donors, and planning to get this baby into the world as soon as possible. Brittany decides halfway through their planning that she wants them both to be involved with this baby, that she wants to use Santana's eggs, not her own so that it feels more like the baby is both of theirs and not just hers. Santana could care less about whether the baby has her genetics as long as she gets to raise it with Brittany, but Brittany is so passionate about wanting to do it this way, so Santana agrees and takes all of the shots and procedures to collect her eggs with a smile, even when they make her feel like total shit. It's all worth it to have Brittany fuss over her and look at her like she's the most precious thing in the entire world for doing this for her.
-G-
Brittany gets pregnant on the first try. The doctors tell them not to get too excited because sometimes it can take a little while but then, four weeks after the first IVF attempt, Brittany gags so violently at the smell of Santana's morning coffee that Santana immediately runs out to get a pregnancy test for her to take. They both bawl like babies when they see the little pink plus sign in the window. Then Santana loses the plot and starts wailing that this is real and it's actually happening. The concept is suddenly a hell of a lot scarier than it was before, and that little pink plus abruptly goes from the most beautiful thing she's ever seen to the scariest fucking thing she's ever seen and she can't stop crying. She feels like an idiot especially when Brittany pulls her close with a little chuckle and holds her as she shushes her and tells her that she's supposed to be the irrational and over emotional one, not Santana. Her light hearted comment makes Santana laugh a little through her tears and suddenly it's all ok again. She's doing this with Brittany, they're doing this together and they'll be ok. They're going to be parents, together. In her heart of hearts it's all Santana has ever wanted.
-G-
The first trimester ends up being horrible for Brittany. After that first gag over Santana's morning coffee, absolutely everything makes her feel sick. She spends hours every day vomiting her guts up and can barely keep anything down. Santana ends up taking her to the emergency room one night in her ninth week because she has barely kept anything down in three days and she's so pale and dehydrated. She ends up on an IV over night and they give her some medication that, while not helping the nausea all that much, at least allows her to keep some food and water down.
Santana feels awful and she wants nothing more than to ask Quinn what she did to help with the morning sickness when she was pregnant with Beth. She can't do that though because A: Quinn has been in therapy to help her deal with that mess for years and she doesn't want to throw a spanner in the works; and B: Brittany refuses to let them tell anyone other than their parents that she's pregnant until she's at least 12 weeks along. Santana boils over one night and almost cries she's so frustrated at not being allowed to tell, and then realises why Brittany is so staunch on not letting her, when she sits Santana down and explains that her Mom had 3 miscarriages between her and her younger sister Zara, and that she vividly remembers the first one. She remembers her parents telling everyone that they were pregnant with 'number three' early on, never expecting anything to go wrong after having had two healthy pregnancies before. Then she miscarried and they had to go back around telling everyone that there wouldn't be a baby. Brittany was only seven at the time but she still remembers the pity in people's faces when her parents told them, the way her Mom would cry in the car after they ran into someone who asked her how it was going in the supermarket, unaware of the miscarriage. Brittany doesn't want to chance that happening to them. So even though she's desperate to just scream it from the rooftops, Santana reins it in and holds her tongue. She's frustrated but she gets it. She doesn't want them to be in that position and with their closest friends being, of all people, Quinn, Rachel Berry and Kurt Hummel, she knows the news will spread like wildfire and they'd have a lot of damage control to do if it all went wrong.
-G-
Twelve weeks comes around and Brittany's awful morning sickness quite suddenly lets up. They decide to invite Quinn, Kurt and Rachel out for dinner and while they're having dessert, Brittany casually makes a comment about 'when the baby comes' sending Kurt and Rachel into squeals of excitement that Santana is sure will not only damage everyone at the table's hearing, but the poor unsuspecting baby's too. She looks up to glare at Rachel but is caught off guard when she sees Quinn's watery smile. She reaches out a hand and Quinn immediately takes it, holding on tight.
"Are you ok?" Santana asks quietly, tugging Quinn closer by her hand so that the others, who are busy cooing over Brittany's still flat stomach, won't overhear.
"Yeah," Quinn nods, with teary eyes. "I'm going to be an Auntie?" she asks softly. And Santana smiles warmly and nods. "I'm going to be an Auntie," Quinn beams through the tears that are now tracking down her cheeks. Santana gets up and moves around the table to hug her. When Quinn's Mom left her Dad, Quinn's sister had sided with him and they've barely spoken since. Quinn has two nephews that she's never met and Santana knows how much she longs to be an Auntie to them. Quinn kisses Santana's cheek and whispers her congratulations. Santana cries, much to her horror, and ends up almost getting hugged to death by an over excited Rachel who attempts to comfort her. She feigns annoyance as she pushes her off, but can't help the smile that breaks out when Rachel tells her she's going to be the coolest Mommy in New York. She loves that damn hobbit, even if she refuses to admit it out loud. Kurt winks at her over Rachel's shoulder (she's hugging Santana again) and Santana scowls when she realises that as per usual, he has seen right through her. She smiles again when he mouths congratulations to her with a sweet, genuine smile of his own. Life is good.
-G-
Brittany is 19 weeks along when they find out that 'Bub' as they've nicknamed Brittany's fast growing bump, is a little girl. Brittany cries when the tech tells them. Santana cries when the tech tells them, and then tries to deny it. Brittany looks at her with the most love filled eyes and Santana backs down, shrugging sheepishly at the slightly shocked looking tech who wore it when she offered Santana a tissue. The tech rolls her eyes and barks out a short laugh once her shock wears off. Santana guesses that she doesn't get that a lot.
In bed later that night Brittany is animatedly talking names. Santana is wary of talking about names. Brittany tends to favour names that are straight up weird and would get their poor kid beaten to a pulp on the playground. So far they've been through Disney Princesses (Britt was really set on calling the poor kid Pocahontas in her 14th week), they've been through fruit ("But, but, Gwyneth called her baby Apple!" Brittany had sobbed, "How come we can't call this one Melon?") and they've been through some wacky animal names for boys that Santana never wants to speak of again, and thankfully now won't have to.
"What about Rainbow?" Brittany asks.
"Honey if I had met a kid called Rainbow at school I would have slushied her. With all the colours of the friggin' Rainbow," Santana says in exasperation, realising her mistake and wishing she could take that back when Brittany's face crumples in the most heartbreaking way as her eyes well up with tears.
"You're being mean Santana," she whimpers, looking so hurt that Santana wants to bend over and kick her own ass for being so insensitive.
"Oh God, I'm sorry. Honey, but Rainbow isn't really a name for a baby. It's a bit too…unique. We don't want her to get picked on at school," Santana says, pulling Brittany to curl against her side and stroking her hair. She feels like such a dirt bag right now. She strokes Brittany's arm gently as she tries to figure out how to fix it and surprisingly she finds a perfect solution. "What if we call her Rain?" She suggests quietly. "It's a little different and unique, but not too much so. We could nickname her Rainbow?" Brittany surges up to kiss her and then pulls back to try it out.
"Rain Louise Lopez-Pierce," she says slowly and Santana knows right then that that's it. That's her daughter's name. "Could we spell it R-A-Y-N-E though?" Brittany asks her thoughtfully and Santana loves it.
"Yes," She nods furiously. "Yes. Britt that's her name right?" she asks, voice slightly desperate.
"Yeah," Brittany nods, smiling hugely. "Unless you want to add another middle name?" she asks. It's a tradition in the Pierce family for the eldest daughter's middle name to be Louise after their great, great grandmother who had died in childbirth. Her husband had given their daughter the middle name, she had given her daughter, Brittany's Mom's Mom, that middle name too. Then it had gone on, Brittany's mom was Lynnette Louise, her eldest daughter was Ariane Louise and now her and Brittany's daughter would be Rayne Louise. Santana loved the history behind it.
"No. No I don't," she beames, reaching out to feel the baby kick when Brittany's hand automatically hovers over the movement, alerting her to it. "No Rayne Louise is perfect," she whispers, suddenly emotional. "It's perfect."
-G-
Brittany is 22 weeks and 3 days when the unimaginable happens and rips their beautiful, happy world to dark, angry shreds. They're on the way home from Quinn's 25th party when some fuckwit in a Hilux utility with big ass bull bars on the front, talking on a God damn cell phone runs a red light and smashes into the passenger side of Santana's car. There's a bang, smashing glass, screeching tyres, her and Brittany both screaming and then nothing. Santana frantically frees herself from her seat belt, turning to Brittany.
"Fuck, Santana," Brittany mumbles. Her eyes are massive and glassy, her face is chalky white and she's shaking like a leaf. "He fucking hit us," she comments, her voice weird and distant. Santana reaches for her, gently taking in her state. She's got a cut on her head, and she yelps when Santana touches her right arm which is turning black and blue right in front of their eyes. "I think it's broken San," she whimpers.
"I think it is baby," Santana coos back at her, stroking her hair from her face. She runs her eyes over Brittany, reaching out to touch her tummy when, thanks to Brittany's tight shirt, she catches sight of the small moving protrusion of a hand or foot as it presses out from the inside. She strokes the bump and smiles as it moves down and then disappears.
"My tummy feels fine," Brittany assures her.
"Fuck, are you two ok?!" a voice comes from the outside. "I called 911 in case," he comments casually. To Santana's fury he doesn't sound that worried at all.
"No we're not ok you fucking asshole!" she screams. "My wife is pregnant and you just rammed into her with your fucking car! Who the fuck needs a utility with big ass fucking bull bars anyway? We're in fucking New York not on a fucking farm!" She trails off into angry, stilted Spanish then; cursing the driver, his mother and anyone else he's genetically tied to. Brittany stops her with a hand on her arm.
"It's not worth it baby," she tells her gently. Santana glares at the guy again for good measure.
"I'm sorry," he says helplessly.
"Don't talk on your fucking cell while you're driving you dick," Santana snarls. She sits back and realises her heart is racing hard. She's absolutely terrified at the thought of what could have just happened. She hears the sirens a moment later and the sense of relief that help is coming sends her into floods of tears.
"Oh baby, it's ok. It's ok. We're safe. It's ok," Brittany soothes, reaching out to hold her hand. Brittany talks to her quietly, soothing her until the ambulance pulls up and the paramedics rush over.
"Hey girls," one of them smiles kindly and Santana starts to cry again, dropping her face into her hands. "Come on sweetheart, out you get," the man soothes. He opens Santana's door and, after giving her a quick once over, helps her out, steadying her when she wobbles badly as she tries to take her own bodyweight. She feels herself pressed into another set of arms and the other paramedic gives her a warm hug before pulling back to get a look at her.
"My name is George," he tells her gently. "What's your name?"
"Santana," she whimpers.
"Any pain Santana?" he asks.
"No," Santana sobs, still wobbling precariously where the paramedic has leaned her against the car. "My wife is pregnant. 22 weeks," she tells him, her fear flaring up again. "She's pregnant," she can't get anymore out, overwhelmed by furious sobs.
"Ok, sweetheart. We're going to take you both to the hospital to get her checked out ok," George reassures her.
"Ok," she sobs.
"Is there someone I can call to meet you there?" he asks kindly, holding her hand and squeezing lightly. She doesn't even know this man but his presence is calming and Santana feels the terror and panic recede a little bit. She looks around her and sees several police officers interviewing the other driver.
"Quinn," she says after a moment. "I need Quinn," she tells him, pulling her phone out and dialling. She freezes with it in her hand when she sees the other paramedic carefully helping Brittany, neck and right arm braced, climb out of the driver's door and onto the waiting gurney beside them. It sets off the terror which sets off the water works again and she can't take her eyes off her wife, even when George carefully takes her phone from her hand and begins to explain what's happened to a frantic Quinn on the other end of the line.
-G-
They arrive at the hospital and promptly get stowed away in a cubicle, and Brittany gets hooked up to an IV to give her some more pain relief for her arm. She worries about how it will affect the baby but the nurse, a sweet lady with a soft Puerto Rican accent assures her that it's fine. It won't do the baby any harm. Brittany hesitantly agrees and the nurse lets the medicine flow into her vein. Santana watches with worry as Brittany seems to be soothed by it, her forehead wrinkles smoothing out and disappearing. She seems ok though and Santana settles in her chair, content to hold Brittany's hand and wait to get seen. Quinn arrives a little while later.
Brittany gets seen by an obstetrician, not long after they first come in, who assesses her and says everything seems to be ok; but that they will do an ultrasound to check in the morning. He says to tell the nurses straight away if anything feels 'off' at all and that they will bump her up, but for now she should try to get some rest. Then they take her for an x-ray on her arm and thankfully only find a simple break in one of the bones. It's all stable so they get a cast on her and tell them all to try to get some rest.
Santana realises something is wrong in the early hours of the next morning when Brittany starts writhing on the bed in her half asleep state. Quinn is asleep on Brittany's other side, curled in a tiny ball in the uncomfortable hospital chair but wakes abruptly when Brittany lets out the first pained moan.
"Brittany?" Santana says, standing to lean over her wife's writhing form. "Baby?" she asks when Brittany pulls her hand from Santana's to grip at her stomach.
"God, Santana it fucking hurts!" Quinn is off her chair like a shot, calling out for a nurse to come and help. Santana feels the fear and panic begin to rise up inside when Brittany's hand accidentally bunches her shirt up and she sees the bruising forming on the right side of her abdomen. "Santana," Brittany's eyes are huge and terrified. "Promise me you won't let anything happen to Bub," she pleads desperately. "If something happens to me, you have to make sure Bub is ok, Ok?" Santana's eyes well up and she shakes her head. "Santana promise me!" Brittany's voice is high, terrified and pleading. "Promise me you'll make sure she's ok," Brittany pleads.
"Ok," tears are streaming down Santana's face. "Ok I promise," she nods, voice choked. "But nothing is going to happen ok? Britt," she cups her face to get her to look into her eyes again. "Nothing is going to happen. We're all going to be fine ok?" Brittany nods, but doesn't look convinced and before Santana can reassure her some more she's being pushed out of the way by the nurse and the obstetrician from earlier who luckily happened to be back in the ER checking another patient. He feels around Brittany's belly, asks her some questions and then says he needs to take her for some tests. They sign the necessary paperwork and Santana gives Brittany one last kiss before they wheel her away for ultrasounds and some other things Santana can't make heads or tails of at this hour of the morning. Santana pleads with them to let her go with Brittany but the nurse holds her hands and tells her she would just be in the way and that she will make sure they take care of her well, before leaving Santana and Quinn alone in the noisy cubicle. Santana's knees hit the floor and she's sobbing before she even realises she's upset. Quinn is there a moment later, arm around her from behind, holding tight.
"Oh God is that Santana crying like that?" she hears a tinny voice somewhere near her ear.
"Yeah," she hears whispered back. "I have to go. Come quickly though ok?"
"Ok," Santana recognises Kurt's voice, slightly distorted by the phone. "Look after her. We'll be there really soon."
"Sweetheart breathe," she hears as Quinn's other arm circles her too. "You have to calm down, they'll be ok, it's going to be ok," she soothes.
-G-
Brittany and Rayne are definitely not ok. The obstetrician comes back looking very grim about 45 minutes after they take Brittany away. Rachel and Kurt have arrived and Santana has taken refuge in Kurt's lap, curled up like a child. She's just considering that it must look ridiculous, she's only 3 inches shorter than him and he's skinnier than she is, when she sees him coming.
"Santana," he greets quietly.
"What's wrong?" Santana asks, immediately terrified by the look on his face.
"Santana, Brittany has had an almost complete placental abruption. That means that the placenta has pulled almost completely away from the wall of her uterus," he explains slowly and clearly, voice gentle. "She's having contractions and she's bleeding badly. We need to do surgery to stop the bleeding," he swallows hard and Santana knows in her terrified, racing heart that the worst is yet to come. "We need to deliver the baby now."
"No. No she's too little. You can't!" Santana cries desperately, looking around at the others, wanting them to help her.
"Santana we could wait and do transfusions and hope that the bleeding stops, but the baby likely won't survive that, and there's a very good chance we could lose Brittany too," the obstetrician explains and Santana finds herself going numb. She vaguely hears sobs around her and feels Kurt's arms tighten as his chest hitches behind her. "Our best bet is to deliver the baby. Brittany's odds are better than even if we do that as quickly as possible," he's using that same slow, calm, clear voice and Santana is grateful for it, she couldn't absorb much else right now.
"What about Rayne?" she asks.
"The odds are stacked against her," the obstetrician admits. "We'll do everything we can for her," he promises. Santana is overwhelmed by the numbness, it's like she's under the sea and everything is garbled and unclear. Everything is moving in slow motion as her life slowly unravels around her in a cold sterile hospital cubicle.
"Santana," the obstetrician calls her back gently and it takes all of Santana's effort to hear and make sense of what he is saying. "We need to know what you want us to do," he coaxes gently.
"What does Brittany want?" she asks, already knowing the answer.
"We don't know, Santana. Brittany lost consciousness during her ultrasound," he tells her and Santana wants to vomit. She lurches and some distant part of her is impressed with how quickly the crouching obstetrician grabs a nearby trash can and holds it under her mouth. She retches a couple of times but doesn't throw up. She knows what she needs them to do. She just hopes that Brittany won't hate her for it later.
"Deliver the baby," she says, her voice tiny. "Please. I can't lose them both," her voice cracks and sobs rip from her throat and the obstetrician nods, reaching to squeeze her shoulder gently. He says something but it goes straight over her head as she slips off Kurt's lap and onto the floor. She vaguely sees his feet as he walks away and then she's being hoisted off of the floor and held tightly by all three of her best friends.
"No, no you're not," Quinn reassures softly and it's then that Santana realises that she's repeating 'I'm going to be alone' over and over. "You'll never be alone Santana. No matter what happens, we'll never let you be alone," the words are meant to be comforting but it just drives home to Santana the fact that she could lose her wife and her baby tonight and she sobs harder as Quinn kisses her head and strokes her back. She can feel Kurt crying, where she's tucked against him and hear Rachel crying quietly somewhere to her left and it all just further convinces her that she's going to lose them both. At some stage, in the midst of all of the agony and chaos, she manages to cry herself to sleep.
-G-
"Santana, Santana wake up," Quinn's voice is urgent and Santana snaps awake. She immediately feels less foggy than before and she finds a doctor standing in front of her.
"Santana Lopez-Pierce?" the woman asks.
"Yes," Santana nods.
"My name is Dr Goldman. I'm a neonatologist here at the hospital," she holds her hand out and Santana shakes it, internally cursing the pleasantry. "Santana the doctors have told me to tell you that they are still working on stopping your wife's bleeding but she's doing very well so far," the woman tells her.
"And Rayne?" Santana asks.
"Santana we've managed to stabilise her at the moment, but she's very, very fragile. She's struggling. Would you like to come up and see her?" she asks.
"Yes," Santana says immediately, a little excitement managing to shine through her worry and fear for a moment. "Can they come?" she asks gesturing to her friends. "They're family," she adds, pleading.
"They can come up, but they can't come in," Dr Goldman tells her gently.
"Ok," Santana nods. She just doesn't have it in her to argue and as long as they're nearby she figures she'll be ok. "Will they know where I am?" she asks. The Dr frowns and Santana elaborates. "The doctors? To tell me if Britt is ok?" she clarifies.
"Yes, yes they will," Dr Goldman assures them.
"Ok," Santana says quietly, standing to follow the doctor. Her legs shake and Quinn slips an arm around her to steady her. Rachel takes her other hand and they follow silently as the doctor leads them through the maze of sterile looking hallways up to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. It's foreboding and scary and Santana immediately hates it. She hates that her baby is in here. The others go to take a seat in a waiting room but the doctor reaches out to stop Quinn.
"You're her cousin," she says gently and Santana sees Quinn's eyes brim with tears at the woman's words.
"Thanks," she whispers and the doctor just nods.
"You need a support for this," she says gently and Santana feels her chest tighten, that panic settling in again. She knows things are grim if she's making exceptions for that reason. The doctor leads them into the unit, showing them how to scrub their hands all the way to their elbows and put gowns on before they can go any further. Santana does everything mechanically, her mind whirring in anticipation of what she's about to see.
Dr Goldman finally leads them through the double doors and into the NICU itself. They step into a room labelled "Room 801" and Santana is immediately overwhelmed first by how loud it is in here and then by the type of loud it is. It's the wrong kind of loud. There are doctors and nurses calling out orders, there are monitors beeping, alarms going off, a voice coming from a speaker on the wall asking for a 'Neonate team in OR 2', there's the whooshing and chugging sounds of various breathing machines…The only noise missing in this room full of babies is the sound of babies crying. It's a chilling realisation for Santana and it makes her physically shudder. As Dr Goldman leads them across the room Santana can't tear her eyes away from the tiny, tiny babies, dwarfed by their medical equipment in their humidicribs. She feels almost sick looking at them. They're the most terrifying thing she has ever seen in her life. So tiny, so fragile and so unpredictable.
"Here she is," Dr Goldman says softly, stopping at a crib near the nurses' station. Santana won't look at first. She can't. She doesn't want to see how sick her poor little girl is. She doesn't want to face it…she doesn't want it to be real. But then Quinn lets out a soft 'oh' and before she can stop herself, Santana's eyes settle on baby Rayne. She looks like a skinned rabbit. Her skin is bright, bright red, almost purple, and almost transparent, her eyes look fused closed, her face is wrinkly like a very old person. Her proportions are more like a kitten than a human baby; long, spindly limbs, large head and tiny body. Santana barely even sees the tubes covering her and fed into her. She just sees her perfect baby, little hands twitching and miniscule little toes clenching rhythmically as the ventilator breathes for her.
Santana starts to sob when she takes her in. She's simultaneously overjoyed and devastated. She's hit with the realisation that she's a mommy now, but even before Dr Goldman says anything else, she knows in the pit of her stomach that this baby isn't going to make it for long. Quinn wraps her arms around Santana, crying herself as she tries to comfort her and Santana clings to her, still not taking her eyes off of Rayne's precious, tiny form.
-G-
Dr Goldman tells them that they believe that Rayne was severely deprived of oxygen after her placenta tore away from Brittany's uterine wall, and they believe she has suffered massive brain damage. She says that they will give her the best treatment they are capable off but that it's incredibly unlikely to be enough. Santana asks her if they can keep her alive long enough for Brittany to get a chance to meet her. Dr Goldman says they'll do their very best.
But it's just not meant to be.
Rayne crashes for the first time about 10 minutes after they arrive, her skin darkens, her tiny chest heaves and alarms start blaring loudly. The neonatal nurses are crowded around in seconds, adjusting meds and ventilator settings and pumping her tiny chest ever so gently to try to get her to breathe again. Santana watches in absolute horror as it all plays out right in front of her. They get her 'stabilised' again fairly quickly, but Santana doesn't miss the looks on their faces as they are led away while the nurses work.
She crashes a second time 20 minutes after that and this time it takes longer again to bring her back. Santana watches them resuscitate her twice more, each time taking longer than the last, before it dawns on her that this is wrong. They're fighting a losing battle and Rayne is suffering the consequences. She wants to go. Everything inside Santana can see that. They manage to stabilise her again and that's when Santana asks them to stop. It's agonising and Santana sobs brokenly, her heart almost physically aching as she signs the Do Not Resuscitate order for her little girl. The nurses smile sadly at her as they start to move her daughter out to one of the family rooms so that they can be alone to say goodbye. They let Rachel and Kurt come in to support Santana and Santana is so grateful. She can't do this alone. She needs them.
They set them up in the room and then one of the nurses starts to take Rayne out of her humidicrib. It shocks Santana and she asks what the nurse is doing.
"Don't you want to hold her?" she asks. Santana's eyes widen, she hadn't thought that that was an option.
"Yes," she whispers, choked with emotion. She's going to hold her daughter. She's surprised at the joy she still feels, even though it's bittersweet, because she didn't think she would be capable of joy given the circumstances, and as Rayne is placed lovingly in her arms, Santana can't help the huge smile on her face. She hears a click and looks up to see that Quinn has pulled her trusty point and shoot out of her purse and is snapping photos.
"Is this ok?" she whispers, suddenly looking worried.
"It's fine," Santana whispers, her eyes slipping back to her tiny daughter in her arms. This moment is so beautiful, but it doesn't last.
Rayne begins to struggle straight away and Santana suddenly feels compelled to talk to her.
"Hi Bub," she whispers. "Hi Rayne," her joy suddenly turns to sorrow again and her voice breaks as she continues to speak. "I love you Rayne. I love you. And I am so, so sorry that I had to choose this for you. This isn't how this should have gone," Santana chokes out a sob before carrying on. "This isn't how it's meant to be. You're supposed to come out big, and healthy. You were supposed to grow up with us. Me and your Mommy. You were supposed to come home and we were supposed to love on you forever. We will always love you Rayne. Always. You'll always be our baby girl," Santana starts to sob as she speaks as Rayne's heart monitor shows that she's beginning to fade. "I hope that when you're in heaven that you'll know that your Mommy and your Mama love you. We loved you before you even existed. We loved you when you were just an idea in our heads and we always will," Santana sobs as the nurse moves closer and gently removes the breathing tube form the baby's mouth. "I love you so much, and I don't want you to go," Santana says, feeling her heart shatter in her chest as Rayne takes one little gasping breath, then another, then goes peacefully still in her arms. "Oh God," Santana brings the hand not holding her daughter to her own chest, gripping her shirt as she's wracked with an almost physical pain in her heart. She swears that's the moment it actually breaks. The nurse calls a doctor from just outside the door and he quietly pronounces Rayne's time of death at 7.12am. Santana is inconsolable and she's barely aware of Quinn's arms around her as she stares down at her still daughter as she chokes out painful, broken sobs.
-G-
Quinn thinks that the piercing agony that she feels in her own chest must be nothing compared to what Santana is feeling right now. She can't imagine, doesn't want to imagine how it must feel. Her heart shatters when the woman held in her arms lifts her tiny baby to finally kiss her head as she chokes out a heartbreaking "Bye bye Bub," to the tiny child. Quinn glances up to see Rachel sobbing violently into Kurt's chest and Kurt valiantly choking back sobs of his own as tears stream down his face. His eyes meet hers and the sorrow she sees there is overwhelming.
"Why did this happen?" Santana suddenly wails. "Why?! It isn't fair! It's not fair! She was totally innocent," she can't go on; she's crying so hard she almost can't hang on to the swaddled baby in her arms anymore.
"I don't know sweetheart," Quinn manages to choke out. "I just don't know." Rachel disentangles herself from Kurt and moves to Santana, wrapping her arms around her and Rayne and holding them both.
"Take all the time you need to say goodbye," the nurse still in the room whispers gently before she quietly leaves them alone. They all just huddle together around Santana and the baby for a long time. Their sobbing eventually tapers off and their tears dry but they stay huddled, trying to instil some comfort in the heartbroken woman in their arms. Rachel is the first to speak.
"She's beautiful," she says softly, carefully.
"She is," Santana replies, and the love in her voice almost breaks Quinn again. "Do you want to hold her?" she asks and Rachel's eyes widen.
"I can?" she asks, and Quinn loves her dearly for the excitement in her voice. It makes Santana smile, just a tiny bit.
"Sure," Santana tells her. "I don't want to be the only one who holds her. Then she wouldn't seem real. And you guys are her family. You should get to meet her and hold her too," she says bravely. Rachel holds out her arms and Quinn quickly lets go of Santana to get her camera out. She manages to capture the moment Rachel's face lights up as Santana places Rayne gently in her arms.
They spend the next little while taking pictures and taking turns at holding the baby. It's strange, Quinn thinks, the way they're all existing in a little bubble of bittersweet joy in what is surely going to go down as one of the most awful events of their lives. Their bubble is brutally burst by Brittany's obstetrician coming back to tell them that she's out of surgery and in recovery. The realisation that she never got to see Rayne alive, hat she never got to hold or say goodbye before Rayne died hits all three of them like a brick to the face. Quinn can actually, visibly see it hit Santana, because she rears back like she's been slapped at the mention of Brittany's name. Quinn holds her as the doctor tells her Brittany did well and that they managed to stop the bleeding without having to do a hysterectomy and then Quinn holds her back as she lunges for the doctor when he somewhat insensitively tells them there's no reason why Brittany shouldn't be able to get pregnant again once she recovers.
It takes both Quinn and Kurt to restrain Santana as she screams that she doesn't want another fucking baby. She just wants this one back. It's heartbreaking to see her so furious and distraught as her knees give out and she dissolves into angry sobs at the unfairness of it all. It doesn't help that the nurse comes in then to take Rayne away so that Santana can go down and wait for Brittany to wake. She promises that once Brittany is awake, that they'll bring her down so that Brittany can meet her too, but Santana doesn't want her to take her. Quinn knows that her maternal instinct clearly tells her not to let her baby go away with a stranger. But the nurse has done this many times. She's sweet, loving, understanding and says all the right things and eventually Santana further shatters their already fragmented hearts when she kisses Rayne's head and says a broken good bye to her again.
-G-
Santana is numb as she walks out of the NICU, letting Rachel and Quinn hold her up as they follow Kurt as he navigates them to the ward where they were instructed to go and wait for Brittany to get out of recovery. She doesn't even register most of the journey and blinks in surprise when she finds herself being sat in a Laz-E-Boy chair in a room with no bed. She fights a little but Quinn strokes her hair and Rachel shushes her and she stops, letting them sit her down. A nurse pops in and sees them, asking if they need anything and Santana manages to find her voice long enough to ask for a blanket. The nurse's face is kind as she tells them she'll be right back with one. She's back almost before Santana has registered that she's left and tucks a heated blanket gently around Santana, stroking her hair out of her eyes gently before telling them that Brittany should be here soon and leaving them alone again.
Santana sits in her chair, cocooned in her warm blanket with Rachel and Quinn stroking her hair and kissing her hands and cheeks as she stares numbly ahead. It's weird. She thought her mind would be racing with grief right now but it's surprisingly quiet with a strong sense of unreality and Santana figures it hasn't really hit her that much yet. When the nurse tells them Brittany is on her way up though, that changes. The grief and guilt overwhelms her again and she starts to cry, wondering if Brittany knows yet, if she will lash out and hate her for what she has done. When she hears the bed rolling along the corridor she starts to panic. Quinn quickly gathers her in her arms for a cuddle, and she focuses on controlling herself. This is about Brittany now. She has to take care of Brittany.
"Santana?" Brittany says groggily as soon as then wheel her in. "Santana what happened?" she asks and Santana's stomach lurches as she tries to figure out how to break this to her.
"Baby you started bleeding while you had your ultrasound," Santana says, focusing on keeping her voice steady. "They had to give you an operation," she swallows hard as Brittany searches her face. She tries to hide it but Brittany's always been able to read her like a book. Her hand unsteadily moves to her tummy and when she finds the now familiar round firmness gone, her face crumples.
"No," she murmurs, her voice choking. "No, Santana, no. Please no," she takes one look at Santana's face and starts sobbing. "Where's Rayne? Is she ok?" she asks and Santana shakes her head. It's all she can do. She doesn't want to say it out loud. "NO!" Brittany screams and tries to sit up. The nurse pushes her back down.
"Honey lie down, you'll rip your stitches," she says gently.
"I don't care! I don't care! I want my baby! I want my baby back!" she goes limp then, all of the fight draining out of her as the overwhelming grief sets in. Her huge, agonised blue eyes turn to Santana. "She died?" she sobs and Santana can't hold herself together anymore. It's the first time anyone has said it out loud and it breaks her. She nods as her own sobs start wrenching from her chest. Brittany immediately reaches for her and she carefully climbs onto the bed next to her, holding her as gently and carefully as she can as she cries like Santana has never heard her cry before.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," she murmurs over and over again.
"I need my Mom!" Brittany suddenly wails desperately and it hits Santana that she never called their parents through all of this. She feels horribly guilty, but then Quinn speaks.
"She's on her way sweetheart," she tells her. "Your parents are on their way too San," she adds when Santana looks up at her, confused. "Rach called them on her way to the hospital."
"Do they know…?" Santana still can't bring herself to say it.
"Yeah," Rachel nods sadly. "I got hold of them a few minutes ago and let them know. They should be here really soon," she tells them.
"Thank you Rach," Brittany sobs, sounding a little bit relieved. She tries to curl into Santana but it obviously hurts her and so Santana fits herself to Brittany instead. "It hurts San," she whispers brokenly.
"Do you want me to call the nurse," Santana starts, her exhausted mind not comprehending properly what Brittany means by that.
"No," Brittany shakes her head. "Not my tummy. My heart. And my soul," she says brokenly. "Our baby died," Santana flinches hard and lifts her hands to cover her ears, not wanting to hear it. Brittany lifts a hand to place it over Santana's on her head and Santana cries harder until she can't cry anymore and her exhausted body surrenders to the grasp of sleep.
-G-
She's awoken abruptly a little while later when Brittany starts wailing brokenly. She sits up and realises that their parents have just walked in. She promptly starts crying again herself and before she can protest her Papa is scooping her into his arms and sitting down on the Laz-E-Boy, cradling her against him and rocking her as she sobs. He's crying himself and that makes Santana cry harder, she's never seen her Papa cry. Ever. She's still exhausted and it takes her a long few minutes to register everything going on around her. She hears Lynnette and Brittany crying further away and her own Mom crying where she's knelt next to the chair Santana and her Papa are in. She registers that there are three familiar sets of hands holding her just as she pries her swollen eyes open to see the last face she expected to see hovering worriedly over her.
"Abuela," she mumbles tiredly, managing a tiny smile.
" Sshh, you need to rest," her Abuela tells her, reaching out to stroke her face, gently closing her eyelids. Santana obediently keeps them closed, the sounds around her becoming muffled as exhaustion takes over again.
She feels like she's barely fallen asleep when she is woken again, this time by a nurse asking if she wants her to bring the baby up now. Santana looks over at Brittany who resolutely shakes her head.
"Yes," Santana tells her. "But don't come in until I say ok?" she says quietly. The nurse nods and she leaves them alone again. "Brittany," Santana says softly. She recoils when angry blue eyes flick up to meet hers. "Brittany," she whispers again.
"I don't want to see her," she snaps. "I don't want to see her if I can't take her home."
"Britt-," Santana tries again, but Brittany cuts her off.
"NO!" Brittany yells. "NO! I don't want to. This is why I told you if you had to choose; choose her, because I can't live without her!" she's sobbing angrily by the time she's finished and Santana tries valiantly to hold herself together.
"The only choice I had was between saving you or losing you both," she says softly but firmly.
"Then you should have chosen to lose us both," Brittany says coldly.
"Brittany!" Lynnette scolds softly, looking absolutely floored by her daughter's words.
"She should have," Brittany snaps. "Then I could be with her. I wouldn't have to say goodbye and I could be with her in heaven," she says angrily. Santana flinches like she's been hit and her Papa's arms tighten around her. She feels suddenly, painfully, overwhelmingly guilty…and then that disappears as soon as it came and she gets angry. How can Brittany say that? How can she want to leave Santana too, on the worst day of both of their lives?
"And what about me? I would have had to say goodbye to my wife- the love of my fucking life – and my daughter all at once. How is that fair?" she asks and it's Brittany's turn to flinch. She stares at Santana, trying to maintain her anger but her face crumples after a few moments.
"It isn't. None of this is fair!" she wails and Santana is sure she's cracking in half, actually physically cracking in half under the weight of both her and Brittany's pain. She stands from her Papa's lap and shakily moves toward the bed. She stumbles and her Mom and Abuela's hands quickly reach to steady her. Brittany tries to glare at her, but Santana ignores her and climbs back up onto the bed, curling against Brittany's side, holding her carefully.
"No it isn't," she whispers. "It's the most unfair thing that's ever happened to us," she murmurs and Brittany's arm comes up to hold Santana's head against her shoulder. There's a knock on the door then and Santana feels Brittany flinch again.
"I don't think I want to San," Brittany sobs. "I'm scared of what she looks like."
"Sweetheart, you'll regret it if you don't. She's your baby," Lynnette soothes before Santana can, brushing Brittany's slightly damp blonde hair out of her face.
"She's beautiful. I swear," Santana tells her, leaning up to look her in the eyes. "She's the most beautiful thing in the world," she says, more sincerely than she's ever said anything before in her life.
"She is?" Brittany whimpers and Santana can see the hint of bittersweet excitement in her eyes. It makes her ache. This isn't how this is supposed to be. Not at all. But Santana forces a sad smile and nods gently.
"She is," she assures her. "Do you want to meet her?" she asks and Brittany sniffles and nods. Santana moves to get up but Lynnette stops her. Santana looks up in confusion as everyone files out of the room, leaving just her and Brittany. It takes her a moment to realise that they are giving her and Brittany time alone to be with their daughter. The nurse comes in a moment later with a blanket wrapped bundle. Brittany's eyes light up and it's like a knife to the chest for Santana, this moment is simultaneously so perfect and yet so wrong.
"Santana hold my hand," she pleads, voice distracted but desperate. Santana shifts up and takes Brittany's hand in hers, kissing it gently as the nurse holds Rayne out, placing her gently into Brittany's free arm. A lump rises in Santana's throat when she sees that the nurses have tied a pretty pink ribbon around Rayne's teeny head and she swallows hard, grateful for the love the nurses have clearly shown their precious little girl. Brittany squeezes Santana's hand a little before letting it go, freeing her hand to touch their daughter. Santana is so busy staring at Rayne that she barely hears the door click shut as the nurse leaves to give them time alone. "She's so little," Brittany strokes a finger across a tiny cheek and Santana winces at the thought that she must be cold by now. When she reaches out to touch her herself she finds that she's not. She's warm. She guesses it has something to do with the warm blanket she's wrapped in. "How much does she weigh?" Brittany asks.
"1 pound. Just," Santana tells her.
"How long is she?" Brittany asks wondrously, leaning over to tuck her head against Santana's shoulder, never taking her eyes off of little Rayne.
"Just under 12 inches," Santana tells her, snuggling her cheek against Brittany's hair.
"I love her," Brittany whispers, her voice a little choked.
"Me too," Santana replies just as choked, turning her head to kiss Brittany's. The door opens quietly then and it's Quinn with her camera.
"Tell me to get out if you want," she whispers, not wanting to intrude. "But I thought you might like some pictures together."
"Please," Brittany nods, still not taking her eyes off of their daughter, as if she's trying to soak her in as much as possible before they have to give her back again. They basically ignore Quinn as she moves around them, taking pictures. Aside from the shutter clicks she's pretty much silent, trying to capture but not intrude upon their moments together. Santana starts to ache at the way Brittany is talking and singing to their baby girl, still calling her 'Bub', the way she did when she was still safely tucked inside of her body.
-G-
Santana doesn't know how much time passes like that, but she guesses it must be a while. She's jolted back out of her bubble of bittersweet joy when the door opens and her Mom and Lynnette poke their heads in.
"Can we come in?" Santana's mom asks. Santana looks at Brittany who nods quickly.
"Look at her Mom. She's so beautiful," Brittany says, voice choked again and Santana presses a kiss to her hair, hiding her own face as she struggles with her emotions. Their families file back in and the next little while is spent with them quietly taking turns holding little Rayne as Quinn flits about, a little like a ghost, quietly snapping photos. They are interrupted by the nurse a few times as she brings in warmed blankets for the baby to keep her warm.
Santana is surprised at how little crying there is as they all soak up the precious little time they have with Rayne. But she figures it'll come when they have to say goodbye to her again. She shakes herself and turns back to watch as Brittany lays Rayne on her lap and unwraps her so that Quinn can snap photos of every inch of her little body, paying special attention to her tiny hands and feet. Brittany calls Santana over and they snap a photo of Brittany's hand cupping Santana's as Rayne's little hand rests against her palm. Santana thinks that that one will be beautiful; she knows it's going to be one of her favourites and she hasn't even seen it yet.
The time eventually comes though when they have to give her back. They let Brittany decide when she's ready, and she does, but she struggles so hard to say goodbye once the nurse arrives. Santana can't decide what's worse; saying goodbye to Rayne again or seeing Brittany in so much agony.
"No," Brittany sobs, holding her tiny, bundled child to her chest. "No I'm not ready. I'm not ready," she wails, changing her mind for about the fourth time.
"Sweetheart, take your time," the nurse tells her, reaching out to touch her arm. Brittany mistakes her comforting touch as an attempt to take the baby and she lashes out, viciously smacking the nurse's hand away. Santana can see her guilt immediately when she realises her mistake and reaches out to soothe her herself even as the nurse shakes her head lightly, smiles and reaches out again to smooth her hair back. Santana loves the woman in that moment and she doesn't even remember her name.
"I love you Rayne," Brittany sobs down at the baby in her arms, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I'll always love you, and I'll never…" she stops briefly, unable to go on, until she finds her voice again. "I'll never forget you. You're my Bub. And I'm so sorry I wasn't good enough to keep you safe until you were supposed to be born," Brittany's sobs turn choking and if Santana thought her heart couldn't break anymore than it already has, she was so, so wrong. It can break more, and it is. "I'm sorry…but I have to give you back now, so I can get better so we can have a beautiful party for you to say goodbye. See you later Bub," She leans in to press one last kiss to their daughters head. Santana doesn't even realise she's sobbing violently too until several sets of arms circle her, holding her up, supporting her.
"I'm so sorry Mija," she hears cooed brokenly into her ear. "I'm so, so sorry." Santana turns and presses herself as tightly to her Mom as she can, unable to watch as Brittany, sobbing like she has never heard her sob before, finally finds the strength to hand Rayne back to the nurse.
They're all sobbing as the door closes and Brittany starts wailing brokenly. Lynnette and Santana try to climb on the bed with her but she's so distraught that she just shoves them away, screaming at them not to touch her. Santana talks to her gently, trying to calm her down but Brittany won't or can't listen. Santana isn't sure which.
"It hurts!" Brittany cries when she finally finds her voice again. "It hurts Mom," she clutches at her chest with one hand while she reaches for her mother with the other.
"Oh Brittany," Lynnette sobs back, as Brittany finally lets someone comfort her. "Oh sweetheart I bet it does."
"I feel like I'm dying it hurts so bad," Brittany's cries have quickly died down to whimpers and in some way that's worse. She sounds so broken down and defeated. Pretty much the same way Santana feels.
-G-
A couple of hours later and it's just Santana and Brittany left in the hospital room. Their parents and friends have gone home or to hotels for the night and the hospital made an exception and let Santana stay with Brittany for tonight. Brittany cries herself into a fitful, slightly drug-induced sleep about an hour after everyone leaves and Santana shifts her Laz-E-Boy so that it's pressed right up beside Brittany's bed so that she can be close if Brittany wakes. So far she hasn't and since Santana can't sleep herself, she just watches Brittany, reaching out to smooth the frown lines on her forehead each time they reappear. The action serves to sooth Santana a little as well, as she sits trapped in the quiet room with only her thoughts to keep her company.
"San?" Santana has been so caught up in said thoughts that she's surprised to see Brittany awake and watching her.
"Yeah," Santana croaks out, voice hoarse from all of her earlier crying.
"It wasn't a dream was it?" she asks sadly, stroking a hand over her now mostly flat stomach. Santana's heart plummets all over again.
"No," she sighs. "I wish it was. I wish I could turn back time and just never go to Q's party. I would make us stay at home and watch movies instead. I would give anything to be able to turn back the clock," Santana tells her, looking up at her with tear-filled eyes when she's finished.
"I shouldn't have given up working on my time machine in high school, huh," Brittany states, her lips quirking up ever so slightly. Santana lets out a soft laugh and it feels foreign to her. It hasn't been that long since she was laughing and having fun at Quinn's but it seems like a lifetime ago now. So much has happened since then. She reaches out and takes Brittany's from where it sits on the bed and kisses it.
"It sure would have been useful about now," she tells her, kissing her hand again.
"What do we do now San?" Brittany asks, serious again now that the lighter moment has passed. "Everything's just different. I feel all…lost. What do we do now?" she asks again and Santana pauses a moment to consider that. Logically she knows what they do now. They try to find a way through this. Santana knows that the pain they're feeling now is nothing compared to what it will be when the shock wears off and reality really sets in. But how to get through something like this? Santana is as lost as Brittany says she feels. Brittany is looking at her imploringly, like maybe she holds all of the answers and so Santana gives her the only one she has.
"I don't know Britt. I really, really don't know."
-G-
Part two should be up in the next few days.