A/N: Hellooo, people, how are you doing? Another one-shot about the Kirstein family is here, seriously, I'll never get tired of writing about JeanSasha being parents :D Hope you'll like it, guys :)
The story is dedicated to the Guest reviewer who requested it, I'm sorry I don't know your name, my friend :) Hope you will like the story!
This fanfic contains SPOILERS about the last chapters of the Return in Shiganshina arc, where our protagonists learn more about what lies beyond the ocean.
The title is taken from the song "Begin Again" by Rachel Platten, which has given the titles to the other fics about Jean, Sasha and their son.
Disclaimer: I don't own the Attack on Titan universe and characters
Of course would her dad and the rest of the former Dauper residents settle down in the woods again after the end of the war against Titans. No matter what he had told Sasha back when Wall Maria fell, no matter his own contribution in evacuating the villages that were most endangered by these monstrous creatures, it seems that some things stay the same even when the whole world around you has shattered to pieces and has been rebuilt again. As Sasha's walking between the trees, trusting her instincts and Commander Hanji's information for orientation, leading the black mare by the reigns and with Jean holding baby Marco next to her, it seems to her that she has returned back in Dauper, although their destination has nothing to do with the place she grew up in; they're headed to a secluded village outside Wall Rose, a few miles away from the Inner Gate, hid in the forest and with a mountain nearby.
The old Sasha, the one who would punch her father when he didn't allow her to grab a bite, the one who was constantly in trouble with him and the rest of the village and who desperately wanted to prove her value to everyone, would laugh in triumph and yell a heartfelt "In your face!", recalling too well her dad saying that they needed to abandon their village and hunting tradition in order to help humanity.
The new Sasha, though, the one who has witnessed so many tragedies as a soldier, who has heard her father telling her how proud he is of her, who has given birth to a child and considered the man she loves dead for a whole year, simply enjoys the atmosphere around her with a content smile on her face; the scent of the trees, the happy chirruping of the birds, the horse's neighing and the cooing sounds Marco's leaving.
"Well, well, buddy, looks like your mom's in her element." Jean jokes, bouncing his son up and down; a movement that evokes loud giggling from the happy little boy. "Just look at her, like she wants to run all around, right?"
Marco nods his head and leaves another string of laughing sounds; not that he can fully understand what Jean's saying, but his parents' good mood has infected him as well. Jean carefully ruffles his ash brown hair, fondly shaking his head at the fact that Marco's babbling is slowly turning into his first words and he marvels at how he's growing. There's still pain stinging him, about having left them in the past, about missing Marco's birth and the first three months of his life, but it's barely there, the old guilt being diminished long ago.
"Hey, stop mocking me, boys!" Sasha teasingly scolds them, although she can't stop herself from giggling. "Already conspiring against me, eh, should be expecting that."
"Not our fault you're on the verge of hyperventilating."
"Says the one who almost had a panic attack when we went to see your mother."
The couple shares a laugh, although Jean can understand that Sasha's excitement also hides her anxiety to see her father after so many years. Both used to have a weird relationship with their parents—although in Jean's case he recognizes that it was basically his fault for pushing his mom away—and despite the fact that Sasha and her dad had exchanged some tender father-daughter words the last time they saw each other, it's obvious that Sasha is still afraid that she'll get scolded or dismissed once more.
The first houses can be seen between the trees, signaling that they've finally arrived at their destination and their nervousness and excitement is magnified. This seclusion and the forest remind Sasha so much of Dauper that she can almost see her younger self running through the trees with a bow and arrows in one hand and a piece of meat in the other; it returns her to her childhood memories and it's as if everything is occurring in a circle of events.
"Down, Daddy!" Marco squeals in delight at the sight of the village and he struggles in Jean's embrace, making him laugh; ever since he started his first tentative steps, Marco is more eager than ever to explore his surroundings; Mikasa once joked that the little rascal will run on his own near the ocean in a few years.
"Okay, buddy, here you go," he carefully puts the little boy down, watching him trying to balance himself on his shaky legs and grabbing his father's leg.
"Now, now, we don't want our baby potato to fall down, right?" Sasha smiles gently and takes her son's hand in her own; Marco immediately falls into the same steps as hers and starts looking around as they continue walking, awed by the colors and the sounds of the area. Sasha recalls how she was as a toddler, wanting to accompany the grownups on their hunting trips, running around Dauper and exploring the forest—something that did not exactly please her father, who wanted her to be more careful, cautious and having the contribution to their home as a priority.
Her mind goes once more to her father and she starts wondering how he'll take the news of a companion and a grandson upon seeing her, six years after he told her she's become everything he had hoped for.
When Wilhelm Blouse heard about newcomers upon his return from his scouting trip, he immediately leaves his horse to be taken care of in the village's stable and makes his way towards the square to talk to them and find out what they seek here. This place is rarely visited by strangers and mostly hunters come here or simply travelers who have lost their way and ask for directions. But when the word 'military' reaches his ears and he is met with some odd glares, his cautiousness immediately accelerates and the man thinks whether the newcomers have accidentally come here or if they wish to speak with him specifically and announce him something about his daughter.
It's been six whole years since the last time he saw her, when he coincidentally fell on her after she rescued a little girl from a Titan, and a proud smile appears on his face at the memory of seeing the strong soldier Sasha had turned into and how changed she was compared to the little gluttonous troublemaker that always sought for adventures in the woods surrounding Dauper. The next second, though, as he approaches the square, his smile falters and is replaced by a concerned frown as he is overwhelmed by the fear that something bad has happened to Sasha and one of her comrades has come to tell him the news.
His fear is slightly eased at the sight of the small family that's seated on a bench near the square's fountain. The man is young, approximately in his early twenties, and is holding a baby boy on his lap that's not older than one year old. The mother, on the other hand, has her back turned towards him, but Mr. Blouse feels his breath catching in his throat as he notices her brunet ponytail that's dancing funnily in the light breeze and the dark green cloak with the blue and white Wings of Freedom emblem on the back…as he hears her laughter that's sounding like old memories in his ears.
It seems that his presence becomes known to the couple at the same time, for the young man's eyes meet his and he softly whispers something to his companion, who immediately jumps on her feet and turns to face him.
And the momentary hope becomes a fact as Mr. Blouse is staring at his own daughter…his child who has grown into a beautiful young woman…six years wondering where she is and if she is alive and here she is, healthy, strong and, as it seems, with a family of her own.
Sasha's shock, though, isn't less as she looks at her father. She's tried to prepare herself for this moment, has played and imagined the scene countless times in her mind to control her emotions and reactions and yet nothing could prepare her for this. A part of her still feels like the little girl she used to be and is afraid of being scolded or insulted…and another part urges her to run in her dad's embrace. What can they say right now, when they reunite after all the mess that's struck humanity?
"Hey, you can do this," Jean whispers encouragingly as he plants a tender kiss on Sasha's temple, holding Marco in his arms, the baby boy looking from his mother to this new, strange man. Jean knows how Sasha is feeling right now, he had felt the exact same thing when he saw his mother again, and so he places a hand on Sasha's lower back and gently pushes her forward, helping her to find the courage to move forward.
"Sasha? Is that really you?" her father gasps, still processing the fact that he sees her again, and Sasha offers him a small, shy smile, not knowing how to break the ice.
"H-Hey, dad," she stutters and mentally hits herself; seriously? After all this time and the very first thing she says is an awkward greeting, like she's facing a stranger and not the man who raised her?
The tender kiss her father gave on her forehead comes unexpected, especially since she isn't used to such gestures coming from him, yet it warms her up and makes the ice melt within seconds, a feeling that goes on as Wilhelm takes both her hands in his own and looks at her like he can't believe how much she's grown.
"Well, well, someone has changed, you'll make me feel like an old man." Mr. Blouse states with a humorous wink and Jean has to suppress his chuckle. His presence, though, doesn't go unnoticed for long, because the older man averts his gaze from Sasha and focuses it on him and the little one. "And I see you brought company too, won't you introduce me to your escorts?"
Her anxiousness slightly diminished thanks to her father's gentle welcome, Sasha frees her hands from his grip and takes her place next to Jean and Marco again, taking the baby in her arms and smiling widely. "Dad, I want you to meet Jean Kirstein and our little Marco, your grandson." Wanting to be faster than the shock that surely awaits her father, Sasha decides to give a more playful character to the introductions and moves Marco's hand as if he's waving. "Marco, will you say hi to your grandfather?"
"Hi," the baby says at once with his soft, cooing voice, making the pair laugh and even Mr. Blouse can't help but smile, despite the fact that he's still processing the new development in his daughter's life.
Truth be told, when Sasha was preparing herself to leave for the military at age eleven to prove to him that she could get along with other people and fight for a greater good than herself, Wilhelm Blouse had heard many negative comments from Dauper's residents about the bubbly and troublemaking girl. Almost everyone in their old home considered her too wild, too undisciplined and too selfish to endure in the harsh military conditions and people were sure that she would be sent back within the week. Others, mostly the elder women, considered her too independent and stubborn and they had 'warned' him that he'd have trouble with her when she'd be older because she wouldn't be able to raise a family of her own.
He had believed these comments about Sasha himself and one of the happiest moments in his life was when he saw her six years ago and realized what a brave and selfless soldier she had become. Today, though, as he sees her next to her partner and with a baby boy in her embrace, he is truly moved and happy that everyone's opinions are proven wrong. He still has many questions, of course, but he can't stay serious at the sight of the innocent baby that has his Sasha's eyes…the eyes she inherited from her late mother.
"Hello there, little one, nice to meet you," he greets Marco, to which the latter replies with a wide smile. "And it's also nice to meet you too, young man," he adds next, turning his attention towards Jean and extending his hand.
"Likewise, Mr. Blouse, I'm very glad to be here," Jean responds and shaking the man's hand. He meant what he said; after all these years of separation, he wasn't sure that he and Sasha would be able to find their parents; he owes Hanji big time, since it was her visits in the lands in the walls that gathered the necessary information about his mom and Mr. Blouse's new homes.
"Well, follow me, then, you three must be very tired and we have many things to talk about," the hunter leads them across a stone path towards his house. "Rumor has it that the Scouts have finally made it to the ocean, what news do we have from the outside lands?"
Lunch passes by slowly and pleasantly, with Sasha and Jean telling the former's father everything about how they met and about life with Marco and informing him about what they know or suspect about what lies beyond the walls and the ocean alike while Marco participates in the conversation with the few words he speaks and his laughter. It's much more relaxed than Sasha had feared and that helps her open up easier instead of addressing her father with the cautiousness she had imagined. After all the losses and the sadness, she has learnt to appreciate her family's presence more than ever—because yes, the rest of the Scouts are like family now as well—and it would pain her if things with her dad were awkward and tensed.
"Now, I think it's time for your nap, my baby potato." Sasha winks at Marco when they're finished before winking at Jean. "Do you want to put him to bed today?"
"Sure! Come on, little man, let's go so you get some sleep."
"Daddy, no 'eep!" Marco protests and shakes his head, but chuckles when his father starts tickling him and allows him to take his hand as they go to the room they will sleep in during their stay here.
Mr. Blouse's small smile that had appeared as he watched the family scene fades away when he notices the way Sasha looks at Jean and Marco's retreating forms: with a hint of seriousness and fear, as if she thinks that they'll be taken away in a sudden. Surely these years as a soldier had hardships and have made her more afraid and mature and he decided to approach the issue discretely. "So, I guess you're happy?" he wants to know, giving a casual tone in his voice so Sasha won't feel pressured.
"Yes, Dad, happier than I have been in years." Sasha answers at once, averting her eyes from her companion and son and turning them back to the man in the room.
"Then why did you look at them with such fear right now?"
The young woman leaves a loud gasp at the fact that her father caught her and she stays silent for several moments because the question, although logical, doesn't have an easy answer. Everything she lived, from the moment she became a trainee cadet until right now, comes back in her mind, all the negative and positive experiences, all the nightmares that won't allow anyone to fully be at peace, not her, not Jean, not anyone of the Recon Corps.
"It's that…lots of things happened in these years, Dad. I've seen things…and I've done things I'm not exactly proud of," she says in the end, recalling the first time she killed a person, a Military Police soldier, how she had a panic attack and couldn't sleep afterwards due to the guilt. "We…The Scouts…there were countless times when we thought that everything was lost. And now there's only nine of us and still nothing is certain yet."
"And now you have a family you're even more scared for their lives. You fear that something will happen to them…or that Marco will be used as bait against you, right?"
Sasha replies with a nod because that's exactly what she fears, especially because there's the threat of Marley, the land across the ocean and all the atrocities they've committed. They've done this before, after all…brainwashing all these Eldian children to become dedicated warriors…Who can guarantee her that, should they learn about Marco, they won't try to use or hurt him in order to blackmail them?
"Don't do this, Sasha," her dad gently advises her, noticing her distress and feeling the insecurity coming from her. "You care about them and don't want to see them hurt, I understand that, but if you focus on your fears you'll lose the small happy moments with them. You'll deal with the future when it comes, but for now you should stay on the fact that you're here, together. Don't let that fear put distances between you…don't do the same mistake I did with you when we lost your mother."
Sasha's hazel eyes widen at these last words because her father hasn't mentioned her mother in years. She was very young when her mom died, barely three years old, and the only remembrance she has of her are some faded memories and her bow. Ever since she was a child, her dad refused to mention her, refused to answer her questions about how she looked like, how she died and how she was as a person. Her father's words right now create a new series of questions and Sasha wonders what he means…it sounds as if her mother's death is the reason her dad was rather cold and distant towards her before she left to join the 104th Trainee Corps.
The old Sasha would get on his nerves with her questions.
The new one decides to simply follow his advice at once, sensing that her mother is still something very sensitive for her father. And so she leaves the kitchen and goes to Jean, who's silently watching their sleeping son, the baby trying to grab his pillow in his sleep. Sasha smoothes the hair that's falling on Marco's forehead, kisses his cheek lightly and processes everything her father has told her…and her mind travels her to the previous year, to the day she found out she was carrying Jean's child, back when she didn't know whether he, Armin, Connie and Mikasa would return from their mission safe and sound. Her simultaneous happiness and fear for the future…and the following despair at the news of Jean's supposed demise.
"What are you thinking about?" Jean wants to know as he leans his head against hers, inhaling her scent of forest and earth and warmth which is the definition of home for him. He can't stop the memories either; all this torture and helplessness he had endured and how the wounds closed when he returned and found out about the family he and Sasha had created.
It had felt so good, so right to be with her again, to hug her and feel like he had never left. Even when he woke up from nightmares that same night of his return, Sasha had stayed by his side, calming him down and carefully placing the sleeping three-month-old Marco in his arms so he would realize that he was back home to them.
"Oh, just wondering if I told you today how much I love both of you." Sasha whispers, her voice being a combination of guilt and joy, as if her father's advice was exactly what she needed to be shaken up.
"There's no need to tell us every day, you show it every day and that's everything the little one and I want." Jean assures her and lovingly turns her head around so he can give her the gentlest and warmest kiss he could give her, soft and genuine and promising her he's telling the truth. "We're here and we love you too and don't ever think otherwise, okay?"
The same night Jean thinks what a good timing they had to arrive today of all days, because it's the night the village holds one of the traditional feasts it has every now and then to celebrate the new life the residents found here and the end of the continuing war against Titans. A huge bonfire is lit in the middle of the square and some daring children try to jump over the flames, three musicians are sitting at a table nearby and play traditional melodies, with a group of people around them singing songs Jean hasn't heard before; ballads about those who fell bravely on the battlefield and one or two songs that taunt those who turned traitors.
He's thinking about Marco right now, his best friend whose name will never be mentioned in one of the songs because, to the rest of the world, Marco is just another anonymous soldier who perished during the war. He's wondered countless times how his life would have turned if Marco were alive…would he still find the courage to join the Recon Corps? Marco surely would, no matter his declarations about serving the monarchy with honor and respect…he wouldn't be able to handle the corruption and cowardice of the Military Police…he was just like Marlowe, who realized that he would never change the MPs and didn't hesitate to transfer when he saw the chance.
One day, when my son grows old enough, I'll tell him everything about his namesake, he mentally swears now as he watches Sasha conversing with an old woman of the village, who's cooing over the smiling baby with delight. I'll tell him everything about what we lived and what we did to end the war…about the fact that he's named after a true soldier.
"I've made many mistakes with her, you know," a voice next to him tells him that his beloved's dad has just joined him. "I'm just happy these mistakes didn't destroy her entirely."
"There's no need to feel guilty about what you did in the past. I've realized with Marco that you have to think about every decision many times and that this isn't always an easy process." Jean says because he, out of all people, is the one who feels immense qualms at the way he treated his mom in the past. "And Sasha herself is willing to put everything behind."
"Then you two are more forgiving than I am towards myself. It's just…" Wilhelm hesitates for a few moments and simply continues watching his daughter and grandson, "she reminds me so much of her late mother, in appearance and character…and watching her grow up after my wife's loss at a hunting accident was so difficult that sometimes I pushed her away almost unwillingly."
"How was she like? Sasha never talks about her."
"That's because I never talked to her about her. Helga was one of Dauper's best archers, you know. Brave, stubborn and so reckless…no matter the dangers and wild animals surrounding our small village, she was always willing to lead the hunting and scouting parties. But she was also just when it needed and she adored Sasha…and I'm sure she would adore you and her grandson too.
"So, you see, as Sasha grew up and became equally restless and adventurous, she reminded me so much of her that it was torture to think about Helga's absence. It was as if I could see her in Sasha...as if Sasha wanted to continue her mother's legacy," Mr. Blouse goes on, his voice reflecting the shame he's feeling as he narrates. "Sometimes I was harsh towards her even though she hadn't done anything horrible…but now, as I remember her pranks, I regret being so cold with her…it's as if I saw my wife in her and took out the grief on her."
Jean listens without speaking, his amber eyes travelling from the older man to Sasha and vice versa. Now everything's explained…Sasha's nervousness today, her desperate need to be approved by her father and her father's own behavior towards her. A few years ago he'd give Sasha right and accuse the man next to him of being harsh and of bursting out his emotional pain on his daughter with no reason. Marco's birth, though, watching him slowly growing up, wanting the best for him and simultaneously dealing with the aftermath and guilt of the war without placing the burden on his son has opened his mind. A parent-child relationship is never easy and it needs effort from both sides, especially if there are emotional obstacles that make everything only harsher.
"Sasha never blamed you for anything and I'm sure that she would understand," he calmly replies and, after a small hesitation, places a hand on the other one's shoulder. "What matters is the present, Mr. Blouse, not the mistakes of the past. Everyone has lost so much, everything came to the brink of destruction…we shouldn't stay stuck in what happened in the past or in what could have been if things were different," he adds and a wave of pride for Sasha overwhelms him…she taught him that, back when they were visiting his mother and he was still deeply affected by his one-year-long absence.
Wilhelm stares at him, at the man his daughter chose as a companion, listens to the words that sound so similar to the ones he told Sasha only this noon, and he realizes how much both of them have matured…a maturity that comes as a natural result of participating in a war from such a young age. There's honesty in Jean's words and, as his eyes meet Sasha's from the distance and she offers him her warmest smile, he has no doubt that Jean is right and that, deep down, Sasha understands and forgives him.
"Thank you, Jean. And I'm glad Sasha has you in her life."
They don't stay for as long as they wished, no matter how much they want to, but they agree that it's time for them to go back to the other Scouts, since both Jean and Sasha know that peace is fragile and won't last for long. Things are brewing right now and they know it and they want to be by their friends' side when the explosion comes; especially with the news about Marley forces constantly attacking the shores and fortresses of the island every now and then. And so, only the next morning after Marco's first birthday, which occurs two weeks after their arrival, they get ready for the journey back home.
There's a calmness in the two Scouts as they prepare to say their goodbyes and Marco claps in his small hands, excited about the new travel that's before them. They've mended their relationship with their parents and the knowledge that Jean's mom and Sasha's father have accepted their new family and that they never stopped loving them despite the war and the years of separation has helped them defeat the old ghosts and family issues they had.
And the warm embrace her dad gives Jean as if he's saying goodbye to a son brings a wide smile on Sasha's face as she's holding her own son in her arms. She doesn't know what exactly the two men said during that feast, but she won't ask them either, respecting the fact that it needs to stay between them. Still, it's like something has shaken all of them up, something that has made her more relaxed around her dad almost automatically…and now she's ready to join the fighting with the Scouts once more and focus on the small everyday moments with her family without allowing her fears to overwhelm her.
A couple of hours later, as they approach the gate of Wall Rose, Jean playfully puts his hands on her shoulders and gives her his most radiant smile.
"Finally satisfied?" he asks her laughing and she joins him, knowing that he's referring to her constant fear about facing her father and her relief that everything turned out well.
"Finally content?" she returns the question, evoking another string of laughter, because Jean had the exact same fear when they went to his mom's village.
Marco trying to grab and pull Sasha's hair and leaving small, happy noises in the process is like he's answering for both of them.
A/N: Alright, folks, another one-shot has come to an end, hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it ;) Stay tuned until the next story comes, my friends, love you all! :)