Gaze
When the lights dimmed, she was reminded of how much was resting on this night. She remembered just how much he wanted it, when asking if he were happy.
'I will if this works. God, I hope she can sing,' was the reply. With their newfound wealth, she had taken care with her appearance, although in some way she felt like she were wearing a dress and jewellery that didn't belong to her. Charity had grown up with a privileged lifestyle and upper class status, but never did she feel worthy of that rank, and neither did Phinn ever view her in that light. In fact, she felt just as out of place amongst the bourgeois rich as her husband did. Charity had known after they had married that she would be by his side no matter what, that their poverty meant nothing while they had each other and their children. The success of the circus had provided them with a beautiful house and better comfort, but it hadn't changed the way she looked at him at all.
She watched him appear from behind the red curtain, introducing the crowd to the Swedish nightingale. Immediately, he looked up to the balcony, catching her reassuring eyes for support. Charity knew how nervous he was, even though he didn't show it, and prayed that the risk would pay off. She smiled a little, whilst watching him on the stage; all the risks he had taken only made her love him more.
After he had disappeared again, the curtain rose. And out stepped Jenny Lind. The dress she wore made her sparkle under the spotlights, and her confidence seemed to emanate throughout the whole room. Then she began to sing, and her voice was soft, pure and powerful like an angel, bursting through the roof of the place and right to the night sky above. Charity was captivated on the woman, clearly so much more remarkable and extraordinary than her, so much prettier and elegant and angelic.
Her eyes slanted down to the place Phinn stood, watching Jenny from the wings; and if looks could break hearts, hers was suddenly snapping in two. He was enthralled and enchanted by her, his eyes unblinking and his mouth agape in awe and wonder. He looked like he had never seen a more breathtaking thing in his life than the woman belting out the hair-raising song. Her smile that had once plastered her face now fell, realising that Phinn had never looked at her that way before. Now here he was, bestowing a glimpse of delight and passion for Jenny Lind as if he had forgotten that she existed.
Staring at Jenny, she felt her stomach drop and her eyes moisten just a little. The disappointment and envy and brokenness she felt was displayed over her face and betrayed every ounce of failing courage she possessed. Watching her husband again, Charity felt that she could never match up to Jenny. To her, she looked and sounded like the personification of perfection itself. But oh, how she wished Phinn hadn't looked at her like that.
It had mounted to a crescendo and the orchestra's instruments had grown louder; the music had affected her mood most emphatically, made her feel vulnerable to all the dangerous possibilities she was envisioning between Phinn and Jenny. As the song ended, a ripple went through her body, her emotions unsettled whilst her ears were blessed with the sound of Jenny's voice. When the audience erupted, she smiled and clapped along with the rest of them. Charity couldn't deny that the performance had been worthy of her appraisal, and so she gave it that much. When Phinn walked on to the stage and bowed along with her the spark had gone from his face, yet she could still see a starstruck glint in his eye. Maybe she had never been enough. After all, he had chased ambition after ambition and he didn't seem to stop climbing higher. She shook the thought away dismissively, a little ashamed but still cautious.
Climbing down the stairs, it was hard to form words when faced with him. The children instantly ran to him and he swept them up into his arms, just as he always did. It made her features brighter, and once he had set them down he beamed. Charity's eyelids fluttered as he embraced her, his booming laughter nearly settling her with ease. He kissed her, and she held on just a moment longer, to gain back the confidence she lacked; to reassure herself that everything she thought were merely allusions. He smiled briefly, but it held no warmth until Jenny joined them. Newly changed from the white gown, Charity could see just how happy he was in greeting and hugging her. Kissing her cheek and exclaiming his exuberant and enthusiastic praise, Charity tried again not to fall prey to her own mind. She knew it was silly, even if she had seen Phinn look that way at the singer, it didn't mean anything. She willed herself to understand that he had been shocked and surprised at her wonderful talent and dazzling appearance. Maybe it had merely been the lights and the fame and the consolation that his plans had worked.
Phinn took her arm, which comforted her more, but still she knew there had been something corporeal in his gaze, something tangible in the air between him and Jenny. Leading her children along, they entered another room with champagne and guests, watching them arrive and congratulate the star and the showman. Charity wondered, as she glanced up at him talking zealously with another man, whether he ever could let that showman part of him end. She didn't want it to, of course, but Phinn's aspirations still were reaching higher, and every night there was something extra or something new in him that she hadn't seen before. Charity only hoped that he hadn't let the fame and money get to his head; and she hoped that what she had seen from the wings of the theatre was nothing more than relief and innocent amazement.