A/N: My diabolical attempts at humour. Enjoy (:

Bella and Edward had reached the meadow in a matter of seconds, Edward running at full pelt with Bella clinging to his back for dear life. Edward flung his shirt off and stood in the middle of the grass, arms outstretched, flicking his hair out of his face in the manner of a Loreal advert.

"Ahh Bella, look how beautiful it is today! I think we should…Bella?"

He stared around in confusion before spotting her a few feet away, vomiting copiously into a hedge.

He sighed in exasperation before strolling towards her, a grin plastered across his face.

"Darling, I did warn you to take some travel sickness pills."

Bella swung her head around and was about to retort when the sun glanced off Edward's exposed chest, reflecting a beam of light into her face.

"MY EYES!!!" she screamed, immediately pressing her palms to her face to block out the blinding light still issuing from Edward's skin.

Horror-struck, Edward hastily pulled his disgusting-sounding "long, light tan sweater" (Twilight, page 221) over his head and gave Bella the kind of look most people would reserve for visiting a dying relative in hospital.

When the black spots of light had finally subsided from clouding her vision, Bella looked up at Edward and smiled weakly.

"Get away from me Bella!" he roared at her, taking her completely by surprise.

"Wh-you-wh-I don't-wha-huh-no!" she stuttered incomprehensively, her usual articulate manner getting lost somewhere in the book to film transition.

"Look what I just did to you! If you'd been here without me, that never would have happened! Your eyesight would still be completely unhindered! I'M A MONSTER!" he boomed in his typical self-loathing fashion.

They were interrupted at this point by an unusually short, bespectacled teenager ambling into their midst. He had a rather nasty looking scar on his forehead.

For some inexplicable reason he was pointing a long thin twig at them in what appeared to be a threatening gesture.

Edward, forgetting his emo tantrum for a second, chuckled and walked over to the boy, grabbed the stick and crushed it to dust with one squeeze of his thumb and forefinger.

The boy looked dumbfounded for a second before wailing and stamping his foot, much in the same way that Bella was now doing in the background.

"HOW DARE YOU BREAK MY WAND?! MY PARENTS WERE MURDERED AND I'M AN ORPHAN AND-"

He stopped abruptly, peering into Edward's face in disbelief.

"…CEDRIC?!"

Look out for chapter 2!