Simon is, in her complicated, colored mind many different things. River's perception of anything and everything these days is always a tangle of incomprehension and she can never quite say what she thinks.
"I don't know what I'm saying, I never know what I'm saying!"
But her mind clears sometimes, not too much, but enough for her to be able to analyze her thoughts.
They don't understand, the crew doesn't understand anything about her brother. She chuckles at the thought; they think they have him all figured out.
The ill-adapted man, this fish out of water with his unsure words and clumsy steps. He is the cold gentleman, too good for this low life, a product of the Core- so one dimensional. They know nothing!
Simon is indeed cold, he is a reptile with hard scales and sharp teeth- calculating, precise. The little bird that he was grew scales and sharp teeth so he could survive and thrive and save her.
He is blue, like those who come with gloved hands and blood in their wake, blue like the infirmary he loves so much and she so despises.
He's a doctor- the best of the best.
He is everything the Alliance is, though he runs from them. He is just like their father and yet not at all.
Simon is the color of gold- noble, kind, a bright ray of sun shining over her face just by his mere presence, but they don't see that. He's too civil like, not strong enough, he'll never survive the harsh backwater places they sail in the black.
But they don't know, how can they? They don't look hard enough! Simon's walls are so thick and high! How could they ever know him?
He's a marble statue at the sight of her torture, a soft blanket at her cries of terror, a silent wind just at the tips of her hair, never far away should she ever need him.
He's a scared child in the dead of the night. Where are his parents? He doesn't know, help him! And he is a harsh soldier scarred by battle and war and time; young body, old eyes.
"You seem so young to be a doctor!"
He is a living contradiction. Voice too soft, too insecure, and then too hard, too harsh. His extremes run from one side to the other, but just inside the blue and purple spectrum, where is River's treasured golden?
He is sad, cold blue and kind, but dangerous purple. Oh, he is so very dangerous, though he likes to think himself harmless; doctors mend, doctors heal, they do not destroy. But he can, he does, and he will harm, there will be no stopping him… River thinks, perhaps that one is her fault; her gentle brother turned inside out (by his own hand and no other) so he could thrive and save her.
All for her. And what is she?
She's broken, a flawed product. He'll break too if he keeps touching her.
His soft fingers creasing her sharp edges as she draws blood- she doesn't know how not too.
River is so scared she will break Simon, she's sure she already has, but he tapes himself carefully back together and hopes she won't see- she sees too much, though.
River thinks sometimes, from his spectrum of extremes, he finds a middle ground to understand her- a careful balance between his precise thought and his wondrous nature that he hides with shame deep beneath the reptile skin. He balances the far too wide opposites by a precarious tip so he can find her. Just the right amount of logic, just the right amount of heart. He can understand her most of the time and it's nice.
She gets confused- there are so many thoughts that make no sense, too many variables, all the pieces scattered and placed back in without regard for their order, but she manages. For Simon she always tries, and he figures her out -or tries. He's smart like that, so very smart.
...What had she been thinking about? Her thoughts escaped her for a moment, flying away like ashes and dust in the wind. What was it… Oh, right! The crew, their new family, they don't know Simon, they don't know him at all. River wishes she could make them see him; all his shades and all his colors!
She cries for her brother, when she's not crying for herself- for the little bird that he was and for the feathers that had to grow hard scales over them- cries because she can't be understood and because he keeps trying.
So many things in her head, in his head, in all of their heads. So much pain and anger and regret. So much betrayal, secrets, fear, love.
He is not a robot, not an idiot or an alien. He's her brother, her treasure; just as she is his.
Inara can see him sometimes, she knows. Like Simon, the companion travels a spectrum of dual colors so very fine. Inara, the epitome of perfection, surrounded by thieves and liars and murderers and always able to maintain her perfect guise. She sees more than most, and she can see the double edged sword that is Simon just as River can.
Kaylee fancies herself knowledgeable, but she's not, her desires make her blind. It's a pity ,though. She would've been wonderful in another world, in another time perhaps, but not as long as they run- and they'll run forever.
River feels as if they already have been- maybe they had begun back when they were children and they just didn't know, mistaking their moves for games and pretend.
They're not playing anymore.
River opens her eyes as loud voices approach the kitchen. She's annoyed, she had been content to swim in her thoughts in the comfort of the cushions.
"Well Doctor, when I need a flounderin' boy with a gun, I'll call you up. Until then, keep to what you know, dong-ma? I don't want you shootin' yourself because your tryin'a help."
All of the captain's words sound mean to her ears. She knows he's so much more on the inside, but he is being mean to her brother- he always is, even when he doesn't want to.
"I can learn, I-" Simon tries to defend himself but the Captain wont let him. Her thoughts still, as she wonders if he heard the begging tone of the conversation.
"Listen here Doc, -" But River interrupts him.
"The Doctor is a smart man, top three percent of his class. Didn't get there because of money. Too much brains do not equalize failure of the body's motor skills. The fact that he is so smart only accelerates the process of learning the coordination needed to fire a gun and land a shot. The probabilities of perfecting his mark exponentiating almost to four." River stops talking as they both look at her wide eyed.
Simon smiles at her then, proud of the crazy girl.
"The chances of Simon never getting to be a good shot are almost non-existent. In a year you could demote ape man if Simon embraces the killer inside him." She smiles, pleased now, confident in the power of her last argument, but Simon's face falls. What could she have said wrong? Were her countering facts not good enough?
Oh… she understands. He's afraid of the crocodile.
It's okay though, Simon doesn't need to be afraid; the reptile will always be a little bird despite its looks- even if by the end there was no bird left to see.
"That… is a very interesting thing to say, lil' River," says Mal, still slightly dumbfounded.
"And it's true." River says factually "I'm smart too."
"That you are," the Captain mumbles and turns to Simon, who despite being so proud of River a few seconds ago, is now very afraid of what Mal might say or do to him because of her words.
Silly Simon, always expecting to take the fault for her actions. Willing too, even if he's scared.
"Seems like yer sister here has bought you a chance." Mal sighs tiredly, this conversation had lasted way longer than he ever wished it would.
"Pardon...?" Simon asks shocked.
"I'll see when Zoe can teach you a few things. For now, both of you, leave me alone. It has been a very long day and I don't want none of you yapping over my ears for a good long while," Mal rubs his forehead with discontent as he looks at the siblings.
"Yes sir," River says with a little grin on her face as Simon nods and tries to hide his own smile at his sister's antics.
"You core kids-" goes the Captain, mumbling under his breath about annoying children and not enough money.
"You sneaky brat," Simon tells her lovingly, and she smiles again. She's done something good for once.
"The Doctor doesn't like to hurt. Why does he want to carry a gun?" She asks her brother and his smile flickers.
"If I want to survive out here, protect us, it's best I learn to fit in with the other outlaws."
"Camouflage," River nods in understanding. "Darwin's evolutionary theory applied."
"Quite right," he sits beside her and sighs. "Also… I think we both know there's a possibility we wont be on Serenity forever." He looks at her with sad eyes.
"Death is imminent," she feigns ignorance at his words, aware of what he's implying. "Forever is an idiotic assumption."
"What I mean is… River…" Simon looks down for a moment.
She still can't regret the lie despite it causing her brother distress.
"I know you like it here. I know you like spending time with Kaylee and Inara, the Captain- it's just…" He looks her in the eyes and there are so many words in his.
Now she thinks perhaps she does regret the lie. She doesn't want to have this conversation.
"They've known each other for so long now, they're family and… although they've accepted us here, if push comes to shove… I don't think they'll risk their lives for us. At least not over the crew's." While Simon is serious and calculating, his voice is soft. It soothes her body, but not her mind.
"Kaylee-" River tries to argue but her brother doesn't let her.
"Kaylee is not in charge mei-mei, Mal is. And I get it-" He makes a slight exasperated noise as she looks away from him.
Out of sight out of mind. Out of sight out of mind.
"River…" Simon sighs "I get it, they would make the right choice for everyone, and I wouldn't blame them. I'd do the same if I were in their place."
"You're such a boob," she insults him with tears in her voice, still not looking at him.
"Something could happen, any situation in which we were alone and without the protection of the others. Alliance could show up, Reveers, God forbid the academy. It's happened before, you know this. And… I need to keep you safe River."
There is such raw honesty in his voice and now she's crying for a whole other reason.
"That's why I need to learn," he continues. "I think we both know we'll have to leave Serenity eventually. Things… happen."
River thinks about it, about the minds floating around with hers, about the crew that will never understand her brother and the depths of him. She feels the tears rolling down her cheeks and she can't quite remember why she was crying anymore.
That would be a lie, she remembers, it's just not important anymore. It's like forgetting in a way.
River looks at her brother, he's sad like her.
Simon takes out a handkerchief from his pocket and gently cleans her face.
"I'm sorry River," he takes her hand and looks at it to avoid looking at her. "I wish I could give you what you want, I wish I could make you happy and I wish I could cure you, but I can't give you any of those things-"
"You do," River says and her head feels a little bit clearer.
Simon looks up and her eyes are focused.
"You do make me happy," she continues. "You cure me. You give me what I want when you can and if you can't you make up for it. You make me happy." She squeezes his hand.
"So I'm enough you say?" He asks, kindly sarcastic, smiling sadly.
It's always sad when he looks at her.
"You are everything," she tells him, her eyes serious.
Bright lights and needles fade to a soft background noise. Gunshots and her own screams. She is a planet and he is her star. Simon would say he was the planet and she the brightest sun.
"You are too River."
They share a quiet silence. Her brother wipes a single tear of his own.
"So," he sighs with a different air, lighter, a change of topic is near. "You think I'll be a good shot?"
"Positive." River nods once, "Good doctors know all the right places, one bullet."
"Yeah, I suppose," Simon casts his eyes down at the prospect of killing so easily.
"I can protect us too," she confesses quietly- she knows she shouldn't say.
"Oh, you can?" Simon asks with a smile that is a bit goofy, though she doesn't know why. Perhaps he's just curious about the how?
"She won't look," River explains and there's a little wrinkle between her brother's brow.
"Why?" He doesn't understand.
"It's not allowed." It's almost a whisper how she says it but her eyes hold his gaze meaningfully.
"I don't understand," Simon confesses at last, but she doesn't say anything.
Instead of getting annoyed, her brother wraps her in a half hug and pulls her in to kiss the crown of her head.
River smiles, all is forgiven.
Abril: I loved writing River's thoughts though sometimes I feel inadequate, I got the messy part, but I feel I'm messing or missing some of the smart parts, you know?
And well, FINALLY got out a Firefly story, got lot's of those but I never felt any complete enough. Here it is now and with another one-shot close by, if you liked this one, keep your eyes open.
Lots of thanks to a-bit-of-madness for helping me beta this story, it is greatly appreciated!
Comments, questions or just some chitchat, I'm all ears people :) or eyes I suppose.