Dylan McKay was drunk. He tried to recount the number of times he had been
as drunk, but given his current condition, decided he couldn't count that
high. He managed to pull himself off the couch and stumbled over to the
window overlooking the city. As he looked out, his reflection stared back
at him.
'You look like hell, McKay' he thought.
He turned, destined once again for another drink to dull the aching in his head, when he heard a knock at the door.
"Go away," he yelled.
A familiar voice sounded through the door.
"Dylan! Come on, open the door!"
'That can't be who it sounds like,' Dylan thought, wiping his face with the end of his shirt. After pouring another drink, he stumbled to the door and opened it.
"Brandon Walsh." Dylan managed to get out the name before heading back to the couch.
Brandon walked in, shutting the door behind him, and followed Dylan.
"I must admit I envisioned a more enthusiastic greeting, even from you." Brandon looked at Dylan closely, immediately recognizing the state he was in.
"Oh, sorry. Let me try again." Dylan looked at Brandon, hardly able to concentrate on his face. "Brandon!"
"Better. So, tell me Dylan. What's up with you?"
"What's up with me? Now that's a funny question. What's up with me.let's see. Um, I'm thinking nothing. Absolutely nothing. Why, what's up with you?"
Brandon sighed, knowing Dylan was hard to deal with when he was this wasted. "Well, I just got back in town. Kelly told me you had been out of sight for a while, so I thought I'd come see how you were doing."
Dylan laughed. "Ahhh, Kelly Taylor. I knew she had something to do with this little visit. Well, let me save us both a lot of time here.she's right. Whatever she said, she's right."
"Dylan, she's just worried about you."
"Blah, blah, blah.let's just skip this part and cut to the chase so I can get back to.whatever it was I was doing. What do you want from me, Brandon?"
"At the moment nothing. But I'm willing to wait." He threw his jacket over the back of the chair and sat down.
"Well, suit yourself. You wanna drink?" Dylan smiled as he fell back on the couch. Almost immediately, his eyes closed, his body surrendering to the alcohol.
Brandon stared at his friend, his closest and dearest friend of so many years, once again lost in his addiction.
Dylan woke to see Brandon in the chair in front of him, staring at him. He sat up abruptly, holding his head and rubbing his eyes as he did.
"What the hell."
Brandon sat up, frowning. "Hey. How do you feel?"
Dylan's eyebrow raised, looking at Brandon. "Like shit, how 'bout you? What time is it?"
Brandon looked at his watch. "About three."
"Three, huh? Shouldn't you be somewhere?" Dylan started to stand up, but Brandon stood up instead, and motioned Dylan to stay seated.
"Dylan, talk to me. I don't care what time it is. What's going on?" He looked down, not wanting to face Dylan. "Is it Kelly?"
Dylan smirked. "Oh, Brandon. Kelly.Kelly and me.we were through before we ever got started. She'd like to think she was the cause of my demise, wouldn't she?" His face saddened. "But no, with Kelly, goodbye has always been as easy as hello." He looked down, almost regretful.
Brandon recognized the admission but decided to let it go. He had always suspected as much; that for Dylan, it had always been about the chase with Kelly. "So.what is it?"
"It's just life, Brandon." Dylan sighed, frustrated. "It just seems that every time I think things are going to be okay, something happens.someone pulls the rug out from under me." He stopped, shaking his head. "I'll be fine, Brandon. I just need some time."
Brandon frowned, not satisfied.
After a long pause, Dylan looked at Brandon. "When I left, after Toni died, I didn't know where I was going. I went everywhere, looking for something.anything to take the pain away. I traveled around, going from one place to the next with no real plans. Then one day, I ran into Brenda.right in the middle of London. It was so good to see a familiar face.I had thought of her while I was traveling, but that was it.I just thought it would be too awkward to see her after everything that had happened." He paused. "But there I was, standing in front of her, feeling the same way I had so many times before." He looked away. "I realized, even after everything, I never stopped loving her." He paused, got up and walked to the window.
"So she let me stay with her for awhile. It was nice to have someone there, someone who cared about what I was doing.anyway, so I guess old habits are hard to break, because it wasn't long until we were together again. But it was good; things started to look better. I started feeling better. We actually enjoyed living together." Dylan frowned and looked at Brandon. "Brenda never mentioned any of this to you?"
Brandon nodded. "Well, yeah, I knew you guys were living together. She just never said much about why.why all of a sudden you were suddenly back in Beverly Hills.
Dylan interrupted, looking out the window. "Brenda was pregnant, Brandon."
Brandon stared at Dylan in shock. "What?"
Dylan nodded. "She was almost three months along when she.. we.lost the baby." he barely spoke the words, his voice just above a whisper.
Brandon looked down. "Dylan, I'm sorry.I don't know exactly what to say."
Dylan nodded again. "I know. Neither did I."
"So when did this happen? I can't believe she didn't tell."
"It was about six months before I came back. It's why I left." Dylan walked back to the couch and sat down. "You know Brenda, she tried to act like everything was fine. I knew it wasn't, but she just wouldn't.she wouldn't let me in. She treated me as if she hated me, Brandon.until.I just couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't what she needed.and I knew if I stayed any longer.if I didn't leave.whatever love that remained between us.it would have died. And I couldn't bear to watch it happen. So I left."
Brandon, almost expressionless, took his turn walking to the window. He stared out over the endless sea of lights, wondering just how it had happened that he and his twin had become so detached from one another. They had once been so close, and yet now.now it was different.
Brandon turned around. "So you left her and came back to Beverly Hills, thinking somehow Kelly Taylor could make you forget."
Dylan looked at Brandon. "If anyone could, it would have been Kelly."
Brandon grimaced. He was resisting the increasing urge to tell Dylan exactly what he thought of him when it came to Kelly.what he put her through. 'What he put us through, all for nothing', Brandon thought as he walked back to the couch and sat down.
"So what now, Dylan? When's the last time you talked to her?"
Dylan stared at him.
"You haven't talked to her since you left, have you?
Dylan shook his head. "No." He paused, then looked down. "She never mentions me, does she?"
Brandon sighed. He had no doubt Brenda still loved Dylan. That wasn't the question. It never was. "Actually, yeah, she asks how you are doing." He looks at Dylan. "She wants to know you're okay." 'Which is more than I can say about you', Brandon thought.
Dylan nodded, reading Brandon's thoughts. "I know what this must sound like to you, Brandon."
'What, that you're still the idiot you've always been when it comes to Brenda?' Brandon almost smiled at the thought. Dylan had always been different with Brenda. Other than the brief time he was with Toni, the times he was with Brenda were the only times Brandon could honestly say Dylan was truly happy. Even during the rough patches of their relationship, Brandon always thought they would be together in the end. She refused to compete with his addictions, so if he wanted to be with her, he had no choice but to give himself over to her, completely. And he did. "Dylan, it just sounds to me like you need to talk to her. Tell her what's on your mind."
Dylan gave a small laugh. "I'm sure she'd be real anxious to know.it's only been what.five years?" Dylan shook his head in frustration. "But that works both ways, you know? She hasn't called me, either. And she's the one who." He stopped, closed his eyes and put his head in his hands. "This is just it.one minute I'm blaming myself for not doing more, then the next I'm so mad at her I can hardly stand it."
"Well, honestly I'm not surprised she hasn't called you, Dylan. I mean, you haven't exactly been all alone since you've been back. Brenda still talks to Donna; even if I haven't told her everything that's gone on with you I'm sure Donna has." Brandon hated to sound so defensive of his sister, but he couldn't help it.
"You mean Kelly."
Brandon rolled his eyes in frustration. "Kelly, Gina, whoever. It doesn't matter. The fact is you've led everyone here to believe that for whatever reason, Brenda means nothing to you anymore." Brandon looked at Dylan almost accusingly. "Come on, Dylan. You knew it would get back to Brenda; you wanted to hurt her."
Dylan sighed, his face in his hands. "I don't know, maybe I did."
They both sat in silence for a while before Brandon stood. "You know, maybe it's time for me to go." Brandon walked to toward the door.
"I know I don't deserve her." Dylan didn't look up.
Brandon paused before walking through the open door. "No, you don't." With that, Brandon walked out. The anger that had slowly built inside of him was threatening to surface. Anger towards himself for not being more involved with his sister, anger towards Brenda for not involving him, anger at Dylan for.well, being Dylan. He walked toward the elevators, then turned back, and knocked on Dylan's door.
Dylan opened the door and looked at Brandon.
"Look.regardless of what you've said or done, and even though I may not think you deserve it.I know.I know that Brenda loves you." Brandon looked at Dylan briefly before turning to walk away.
"Hey, Brandon?"
Brandon turned around. "Yeah?"
"Thanks."
Brandon nodded, then walked to the elevators.
Dylan closed the door, thinking about everything that had been said. It was if a weight had suddenly been lifted. He hadn't realized how much it had been weighing on his mind. For the first time since he could remember, he didn't dread the thought of getting up the next morning.
Brandon woke up later than he had planned. His late night with Dylan had produced a restless sleep, filled with dreams of Brenda and Kelly and Dylan. Mixed up dreams that left Brandon exhausted.
"Mornin' glory." Steve popped his head inside the door as Brandon walked out of the bathroom from his shower. "I thought I heard you."
"Hey, Steve. Yeah, I slept a little later than I anticipated. Has Kelly called?" He and Kelly had plans for lunch; she was probably wondering where he was.
"Yeah, I told her you were in the shower. She said to hurry up." Steve looked at Brandon. "So, how did things go with Dylan?"
Brandon sighed. "You know Dylan, he'll be fine."
"Well, I know Kelly's been worried about him. I haven't seen him around in a while."
Brandon just nodded, not wanting to further the conversation. "Well, I guess I should get going. I'll see you later, man."
Brandon left, headed to the Peach Pit.
Kelly sat alone in a corner, waiting on Brandon. She hadn't known he was planning on moving back to Beverly Hills until he showed up at the beach house a week ago. A job offer he couldn't refuse, he had said. 'Plus you'.the words echoed in her ears as a smile crept over her face. Not that she expected, or even necessarily wanted to pursue a relationship with him so soon.it was just nice to have him back. She had missed him. She had shared with him her concern about Dylan, and it was good to have him there to listen. Not that others didn't.Steve, David.they would have done anything she asked. But Brandon.Brandon knew what to do.he knew Dylan better than anyone. It was a relief to have someone to share the weight of Dylan's problems. Not that she even knew what they stemmed from, but she recognized the seriousness of them. He was drowning, and she couldn't help him. She never could.
"Hey, Kel." Kelly almost jumped. Brandon had walked in without her noticing. "Didn't mean to startle you." He flashed a handsome grin. "Must have been pondering some pretty deep stuff there."
"Hey, well, you know me. I'm pretty deep." She returned his grin with a sly smile.
Brandon sat down and looked at her, this time his face was serious. "Well, I went by Dylan's last night."
'So much for the small talk,' Kelly thought. "And?"
Brandon sighed. He really didn't want to get into the details, but he knew Kelly was worried about Dylan. He wondered what Kelly's feelings for Dylan were. "And, he told me some things I wasn't aware of, things he has been trying to deal with.things from his past."
Kelly frowned. "His past with who?"
Brandon was almost amazed at the clarity at which Kelly could read between the lines. He looked down, unable to look at her. "His past with Brenda. Dylan told me last night that.they lost a baby, Kel." There. He said it. No use in keeping it from her, she would find out sooner or later anyway.
"Oh." It was all she could muster. She was suddenly very aware of her expressions, trying her best to keep the shock from showing. She didn't think she was doing a very good job. Brandon verified it.
"Don't think I wasn't as shocked as you, Kel. I had no idea.Brenda didn't tell me the whole story, either."
Kelly found her voice. "It's.it's just, when he came back.he acted so indifferent about her. I never really asked what had happened, but he told me he had left her. I figured it just didn't work out. End of story."
"Yeah, that's kind of the impression I got from Brenda." Brandon looked at Kelly. "Evidently they went through a lot more than they let on. And I don't know about Brenda, but for some reason Dylan is now having a hard time with it." He sighed. "I'm only telling you this much because I know you worry about him, Kel."
Kelly nodded.
"I haven't talked to Brenda yet; I think I'm going to give her a call this afternoon. I feel so.I feel bad. She's my twin sister.you would think I would pick up on something like this. I mean, I could have been there for her.she just didn't let on."
"There's no way you could have known.if she didn't tell you. Dylan certainly didn't want to talk about it; maybe Brenda felt the same." She frowned. "Are you sure she didn't tell your parents? I mean, how far along was she?"
Brandon shrugged. "They never let on anything was wrong. You know, there was a time I would have said she would have told me before them.but we're just not as close as we used to be." He sighed again. "Dylan said she was almost three months.they were probably just getting used to the idea when.when it happened." Brandon looked at Kelly, waiting for the inevitable question.
"So is that the reason.is that why Dylan came back?" It came out more as a statement than a question. She looked at him, already knowing the answer.
Brandon nodded. "He said things just got increasingly worse between them until finally.he had to leave."
Kelly nodded.
Brandon looked at Kelly. "I know that's not the reason he told you."
She gave him a sad smile. "Yeah, you'd think by now I would've learned." She looked down. As much as she hated to admit it, just the thought of Brenda and Dylan together still made her jealous. Now this.they had a child together.'He used me,' she thought. 'And I let him, just like I always have.' She looked at Brandon, who was looking at her, his eyes full of pity. 'Oh, great. Now he feels sorry for me. How pathetic am I?' She shrugged and shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts. "It's really not important, anyway. What's important is that he's." She paused, looked at Brandon. "Is that they both are okay."
Brandon recognized the mix of emotions that were flowing through Kelly; he could see it in her eyes. He knew the history of these three people; these people that were so important to him.how could they cause each other so much pain? Was it fate? Destiny? Why, from a chance meeting in high school, could these people keep finding each other, keep coming back to each other, when all they ever left with was heartache?
He knew the answer, of course. Only one thing made people act this way. Only one thing could pull a person across the country, across the ocean, and against better judgement. It was the reason he was sitting here facing this woman. It was love.
Kelly sighed and looked around. "Listen, I'm really not all that hungry.do you mind if I take a raincheck on lunch?"
Brandon looked worried. "Sure, if you want.Kel, I know this is hard on you."
"No, it's really not. I just.I think I'm going to go for a walk on the beach or something, you know, to clear my head." Kelly stood up.
"Yeah, sure."
"I'll call you later, okay?" She looked at Brandon. Beautiful, honest, trustworthy Brandon. She gave him a small kiss and walked out.
Brandon looked after her. He knew and understood what she had to do. She had say goodbye.
It had been almost one-thirty in the afternoon before Dylan made it to the shower. And after three cups of stiff coffee, he was still a little groggy. His conversation with Brandon had certainly produced a solid night's sleep, but he couldn't help but wonder if he had made a mistake telling him everything. But somehow Brandon being there had hit a nerve; it was as if someone had flipped a switch, and it all just came tumbling out. He realized it had been slowly eating away at him, and the more he talked, the better he felt. If she only knew how many times he had picked up the phone to call her. Had she done the same? Did she ever think of him, of them?
He had decided to go to the Peach Pit to get something to eat. He thought it would be good to get out for awhile; he'd been staring at the walls of his place for more days than he could remember. He gathered his things and headed out, only to find Kelly standing on the other side of the door.
"Kelly.hey." He looked down, involuntarily avoiding her gaze.
"Hi. I just wanted to see if you were okay. Haven't seen you in awhile."
Dylan looked up. "Yeah, I've been busy." He hadn't realized how hard it would be to face her.it was almost painful. He knew Brandon had probably already told her everything, but he wasn't ready to talk about it with Kelly.
"It's okay, you know me, I just worry too much." Kelly smiled.
"No, I appreciate it." He looked down again. "I was just on my way to grab something to eat if you want to join me."
"Yeah, actually I wanted to talk to you." She looked at him closely. His eyes were filled with guilt as he looked up. It was a good thing it had been a short drive over, because the more she had thought about him the angrier she had gotten. She had wanted to ask him why.why had he treated her this way, when he was supposed to love her? She had wanted to punish him; for all the pain he had caused her, for all the lies, all the broken promises. But as she looked at him now.she realized. he was doing it for her; he was punishing himself. She wanted answers to questions for which there were no answers, and she realized there was nothing left to say. "You know what, I just remembered.I have.I have to be somewhere.." She paused and gave a small smile. "I really didn't need anything, I just wanted to say hello. I think we're all going to be at the After Dark tonight. Maybe we'll see you there?"
Dylan sighed. "Yeah, maybe so."
She stepped forward and put his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. She looked into his eyes, eyes that expressed his regret and pleaded for understanding. She recognized this, and accepted the unspoken apology. Finally she spoke. "Goodbye, Dylan." The words hung in the air as she kissed him softly on the cheek. They both realized the magnitude of the words, two little words that spoke volumes of a relationship they both had turned to in times of hurt, in times of confusion, in times of loneliness. They knew it was a relationship that would cease to be; the time had come to let it go.
"Kelly." He grabbed her hand.
She shook her head and put a finger to his lips as she gave him a sad smile.
He nodded in understanding as he released her hand. She was right. There was nothing for him to say. He watched as she walked down the hall and disappeared around the corner. He closed his eyes and sighed.
Brenda sat on the patio of her apartment, looking out across the waves of people weaving their way along the street. She was once again smoking, a habit she had twice kicked. 'Dylan always hated it when I smoked,' she thought as she took a long drag from her cigarette. She had just gotten off the phone with Brandon, and decided she was definitely in need of the nicotine. He had told her about Dylan, and what Dylan had told him about their relationship. Their relationship. You couldn't really even call it a relationship anymore; she hadn't even spoken to Dylan in five years. Yeah, she asked Brandon about him, and occasionally Donna would mention something about him, but that was it. She refused to call him. 'He was the one who left you,' she would tell herself when the urge would surface to talk to him.to hear his voice again.
Of course she missed him. She missed him terribly. After he had left, her world seemed to hit rock bottom. She had stopped working completely, and hid away in her apartment, avoiding everyone. But just as it had caused her so much pain, his leaving had also forced her to face her problems head on.and alone. It had been tough at first, but each day she had become stronger and stronger, until one day she realized.she was going to be okay. She began to work more than ever, taking virtually every role that was offered to her. She began to go out again, and without realizing it, started to have fun again. She filed away her relationship with Dylan as one of the best things that had ever happened to her, and once again became comfortable with the fact that even if they weren't together, she would always love him. And that was okay.
And until Brandon had called, she had been successful in her attempt to get on with her life. Until Brandon had called, that part of her life was history, and she had finally been able to look forward instead of backwards. Until Brandon called.
She was glad to hear from him, though, and if she was honest with herself she was even relieved he knew exactly what had happened with her and Dylan. She had never kept secrets from her family, and doing so had not been easy on her. She had just felt it was something she wanted to deal with on her own, and she was grateful to Brandon for understanding that need.
She had listened to Brandon tell her everything Dylan had said, and recognized the pain he was feeling. She had experienced the same pain, and knew that while he had been able to avoid it for the past five years, the time had come for him to deal with it, just as she had. And in the same way she had needed to be alone, she knew Dylan needed her.he needed her understanding and forgiveness and support. These things were not hard to give him, but she knew doing so could open doors that had long since been closed.
But she would go to him, just as she always would when he needed her. Just as she always had. She loved him.
She finished her cigarette and put it out in the ashtray beside her. She had booked a flight to Beverly Hills as soon as she got off the phone with Brandon, and she knew she needed to start packing, something she hated doing. As she walked back inside, memories of her and Dylan and the times they had shared there in the small apartment invaded her thoughts. They had shared some really good times, and also some really hard times. She remembered the day she first saw him in London, standing there in the middle of the street, staring at her. She had almost not recognized him; he had lost weight he couldn't afford to lose, and looked as if he hadn't shaved in days. Brandon had told her about Toni and what had happened, and Dylan's eyes had confirmed that his pain was all that she had imagined and more. It wasn't long before he was staying with her, but she had been careful not let their relationship progress beyond friendship. She had simply taken care of him; had made sure he ate, had listened when he wanted to talk about Toni, and had watched him battle his addictions, sometimes successfully, sometimes unsuccessfully. Slowly he had returned to a closer version of the person she remembered, and though he was forever changed, he was still the same man she had fallen in love with all those years ago. She had watched the progression in his eyes, eyes that had once expressed only pain had began to reflect signs of happiness, of hope, and of love.
She walked into her bedroom and pulled her luggage from her closet. 'Warm weather clothes,' she thought as she scanned the rack of clothes in front of her. She started grabbing garments and throwing them on the bed, her mind wandering again to the past.
She thought of how he had convinced her, against her better judgement, to go on a "date" with him. Thinking back now, it was inevitable. It had been silly to think that they could've maintained a platonic relationship while living under the same roof. 'If nothing else,' she thought, 'we definitely have chemistry.' She smiled as she thought of their first night together in London, and how wonderful it had felt to be back in his arms.
She sat down on the bed, surrendering to her thoughts. They had been together almost two years when she had found out she was pregnant. And although it definitely had been unexpected, they both were happy and excited with the news, and had planned to let Brandon and Kelly be the first ones to know when they met them in Corsica for their honeymoon. Funny how things can turn out so differently from what you expect.
Her mind wandered to the rest of the group, and she wondered what they would think of her return. From talking to Donna she knew Dylan had not been entirely truthful about things, and she knew he had downplayed their relationship. Maybe in an effort to hurt her, maybe not. But it really hadn't bothered her, and in a strange way, she even understood. She had done the same thing after he had left London. She had gotten rid of any trace that he had been there, and had tried in vain to avoid dealing with her loss. Apparently she had just realized it didn't work a whole lot sooner than Dylan had.
Brenda didn't know at what point the tears had started, but they were now flowing freely. She cried for herself, she cried for Dylan, and she cried for their loss and the pain that had separated them.
After leaving the Peach Pit, Brandon went back to his old house. He was sitting in his car in the driveway, looking at the house when Kelly drove up. He wasn't sure how long he had been there, but it must have been quite awhile. He had been thinking of the times that he and his family had spent there, and about how much had changed since those times.
It was his home during some of the best times of his life, and he couldn't help but wish things were more like they had been back then. He couldn't wait to see Brenda and talk to her face to face. He wanted to feel connected to her again, something he hadn't realized he missed until coming back to Beverly Hills. He had been worried about calling her about Dylan and their conversation, but she was receptive; it was almost as if she knew the call was coming. She didn't say much about it, but she did express her reasons for not telling him or their parents. She had wanted to deal with it in her own way. This didn't surprise Brandon; Brenda had always been fiercely independent, especially about her own problems. And with her being so far away, its no wonder no one picked up on it. He wondered if he should tell Dylan she was coming home, but decided he would leave it up to Brenda. He had to remember that this was between them.
Kelly walked up to Brandon as he got out of his car. "Hey." She looked at him quizzically.
"Hey." He smiled. "I was just sitting here, you know, thinking."
"Thinking, huh? Pretty dangerous stuff." She smiled back, then took his hand in hers. "I wanted to tell you that.I talked to Dylan."
He nodded, looking at the ground, then raised his eyebrows and looked at her.
"And.I'm okay." She looked at him seriously. "I just wanted you to know that."
He nodded again, this time looking at her. He gestured toward the house. "So, do you want to come in?"
He started to pull her toward the house, but she hesitated, pulling him back. "Brandon." She looked at him, her eyes insistent. "I don't think you understand what I'm trying to say."
"You know, sometimes you just can't take a hint, can you?" He was suddenly pushing her back against his car, his body on hers and his arms on either side, trapping her.
"Brandon! What are you."
Brandon's voice was low. "I'm glad you talked to Dylan, and I'm glad you're okay. And because you are okay, I desperately want to get you inside of that house, because.I don't think I can wait a minute longer to make love to you."
He looked into her eyes, waiting for a signal. He didn't wait long.
She kissed him, long and hard, before breaking away. "So what are we waiting for?"
He smiled and kissed her again.
Dylan sat on the sofa in his hotel room, resisting the urge to pour himself a drink. He knew he should have thrown away the bottles of liquor before he had a chance to be by himself again.alone with his thoughts. That's when the temptation was greatest.
He suddenly remembered he had some work he needed to do; some financial schedules his accountant had given him earlier in the month he had yet to look at. It would be a good distraction, something to get his mind off things. He sat down at the desk, looking at the documents before him.
It was a futile effort, however, and it wasn't long before he was staring aimlessly at the papers, lost in his thoughts.
He thought of Kelly.he had seen the hurt in her eyes, the anger and resentment of being a mere distraction.he had seen it all, including forgiveness. After everything, he knew she still loved him, and while things would never be the same between them, she forgave him. And he knew he didn't deserve it.
He thought of Antonia.his wife, who he barely had a chance to know before she was taken from him. He had mourned her passing, and although he knew he would forever grieve for the lost moments he would have spent with her, he was now able to appreciate the time they did have together, however brief it may had been. He had come to terms with her death.
Of course, it hadn't come easy for him; it was Brenda who had helped him through the toughest time in his life. She had been there to listen to him, to hear him yell and scream and curse the heavens and ask why. And when he succumbed, more than once, to the alcohol and drugs that called his name, she never turned her back on him. She had saved him from himself.again.
And so, slowly, she had become the reason for him to get up in the mornings. Without realizing it, she had become the light in his darkness, and without her.he couldn't see. He couldn't see the best parts of himself unless they reflected back at him in her eyes. He couldn't see any hope for his tomorrows unless she was there for him to share them with. He had depended on her in every way, and she had welcomed it.
They had fought together, fought for a happy life, and for a while they had won. They had been so happy when they found out she was pregnant; they had seen it as a sign.for once in their long and volatile relationship, fate had seemed to agree with them. It was probably because of this that they had such a hard time dealing with the miscarriage. Fate had turned on them.
Dylan gave up his efforts to work and decided to go the After Dark. Kelly had said everyone would be there, and he wanted to talk to Brandon again before he left. He knew his relationship with Brandon wasn't what it used to be, but he was still the closest thing he had to a true friend.
He was on his way out the door when the phone rang. He almost left anyway, thinking it was probably one of the gang making sure he was coming to the After Dark. But then something stopped him, and he turned back to answer the phone.
"Hello?" His voice was low and questioning.
"Dylan?"
He knew instantly who it was, that voice.a voice he hadn't heard in so long.now here she was.
"Hello? Dylan, is that you?"
"Yeah, it's me." He took a deep breath. "How are you, Bren?"
"So do you think he'll show up?" Kelly looked at Brandon as they walked into the After Dark.
"I have no idea. I haven't talked to him since the other night." Brandon sighed. "I wouldn't be surprised if he was in the same shape again. I hope not, but I wouldn't be surprised."
They found a table and sat down. It wasn't long before Donna spotted them and came over.
"Hey, guys. I was starting to wonder if you were going to show." Donna smiled as she sat down and took a deep breath.
"What's wrong, Donna?" Kelly noticed the distressed look on her friend's face.
"Oh, nothing. I just had such a busy day at the shop. I'm beat." She looked at Kelly. "I think I'm going to have to find someone else to help out."
"You ought to. You need to be able to take time off." Kelly smiled. "Do you want me to help out while you find someone? I don't mind."
Donna frowned. "Thanks, Kel, but I know you're busy. It will be fine." She waved her hands. "Tonight I just want to relax and have a good time."
"Now that's a good idea." Brandon looked past Donna and saw Dylan walk through the door. "Well, looks like Dylan made it."
"Dylan's here? Gosh, I haven't seen him in forever." Donna looked behind her. "David said he saw him a few weeks ago; he said Dylan didn't look very good."
The waitress came up to take their drink orders. After she left, Dylan walked over.
Kelly smiled. "Dylan, hey. Glad you made it. Sit down."
Dylan forced a smile. "Hey Kel. Donna." He looked at Brandon. "Can I talk to you a minute?"
Brandon frowned, then nodded. "Sure." He looked at Kelly. "I'll be right back."
Kelly nodded as she watched them walk up to Dylan's office.
Brandon followed Dylan into the office and sat down as Dylan shut the door behind them.
"So what's up."
Dylan interrupted. "I never meant for you to tell Brenda everything I told you. I thought I could talk to you."
Brandon stood. He had expected this. "Look, Dylan, Brenda is my sister. You knew the situation you were putting me in."
Dylan shook his head, his voice rising a level. "Oh, yeah. You come over to my house in the middle of the night asking a million questions and I'm the one who put you in a situation?"
Brandon sighed and looked down. "I just wanted to make sure she was okay."
Dylan started to speak, but stopped. He nodded and sat down, rubbing his head.
"So she called you?" Brandon sat down again.
"Yeah." Dylan waited for the questions but they never came. He raised his head and looked at Brandon. "She's flying out tomorrow, and she wants to see me."
Brandon nodded. "I'll be glad to see her. It's been a long time."
"Yeah." Dylan wasn't exactly enthusiastic about the idea. He didn't like what he had heard in Brenda's voice. It was pity. He didn't want her pity, and he didn't need her help. But yet she would try to give it to him anyway, thanks to Brandon. Suddenly he wanted to be alone. "So I just wanted to let you know she was coming in, in case you didn't know." He stood up and opened the door.
Brandon took the hint. "Okay. Thanks." He walked out of the office. "You coming?" He motioned to the tables below, where Steve and Janet had joined Kelly and Donna.
"I don't think so. I'll see you." Dylan shut the door before Brandon could respond. Frowning, he went to join the others.
Brenda hated flying almost as much as she hated packing. It wasn't really the flying that bothered her; it was the cramped space of the airplane that drove her nuts. She hated being confined for that long, and was relieved when they finally touched down at LAX.
The only thing worse than the cramped space of the airplane was the hassle of finding luggage. She finally spotted hers coming down the conveyor, so she squeezed in front the mass of people to get closer. Just as she went to pick her bag up, someone from behind her grabbed it.
"Hey! Excuse me, I think that's my bag." She bent over to check the tags on the luggage.
"And I thought I was helping. Guess I was wrong. Again."
She immediately recognized the voice, and slowly looked at him. "Dylan.I didn't know it was you."
"Yeah, I know. So how was your flight?" It seemed like such a generic thing to say, but his heart was beating so fast he was having a hard time concentrating.
"It was okay. Long, cramped, and extremely uncomfortable, but okay." She gave him a small smile. She felt her stomach do flip-flops as she stood in front of him. "So, what are you doing here?"
"What, you're not glad to see me?" He gave her a brief smile.
"Of course I am. It's just that yesterday when I talked to you." She frowned, looking at him. She was tired of playing games. "Do you not remember our conversation? You practically hung up on me. I didn't even think I would see you."
He almost smiled. She hadn't changed a bit. She was the same fiery woman she had always been, straight up and to the point. "Yeah, well, I had a change of heart." He looked at her and sighed. She was staring at him with those huge eyes, full of anticipation. He could almost feel the wall around his heart crumble, and he knew he would love this woman before him for the rest of his days, whether he wanted to or not. He sat her bag down on the ground and offered her his hand. "I've missed you, Bren."
It was all she needed. Immediately she was in his arms, tears welling in her eyes. "I've missed you so much." She whispered the words, not sure if he could hear them, knowing it didn't matter.
They held each other for some time, while the mass of people rushed around them. It was a perfect moment, one they wanted to last forever.before the reality of everything came into focus.before the unexpected currents of life swept them away once again.
Brandon had woke up early, his mind working overtime from the previous day's events. He was outside of the beach apartment, looking out over the ocean. He loved mornings like this; this is what he had missed most when he was away. He remembered the first time Dylan took him to the ocean and he had tried to surf. He smiled at the memory; definitely not his cup of tea, so to speak. And so began a long and complicated friendship. So much had happened, so much had changed, and yet the players were still the same. It was amazing, really.
He heard the door open and close behind him.
"Hey, you. What are you doing up so early?" Kelly gave him a small kiss before sitting down next to him.
"Just enjoying the morning air." He looked at her. "So how'd you sleep?"
"Good, how about you?
"Good." He pulled her close to him, wrapping his arms around her.
"Brandon?"
"Yeah?"
She turned to look at him. "I know this may seem a little sudden, but.well, I don't care." She smiled. "I want you to move into the beach apartment with me."
Brandon smiled. "What?"
"I know you can stay with Steve and Janet if you want, but I just think it would be nice if you.if we were here, you know, together."
"Are you saying we should live together? After I've been here all of what, two weeks?"
Kelly frowned. "You didn't have any trouble sleeping with me."
Brandon had to smile. "Kel, I'm kidding. Of course I want to live with you." He turned her around to face him. "I love you, you know."
Kelly rolled her eyes. "Oh, I love you, too. Even when you do that to me."
"Do what?" Brandon looked at her innocently.
Kelly playfully hit him on the shoulder. "Yeah, yeah." She turned back around and settled back against him again. "So you said Brenda was coming in today?" Kelly asked partly because she wondered and partly because she felt obligated to. In all honesty she really wasn't that enthusiastic about seeing Brenda again. It had been so long, and in light of the recent events, she still couldn't shake that familiar twinge of jealousy, and she didn't like it.
"Yeah, at least that was the plan. She didn't call me with any flight times or anything, so I guess I'll see her when I see her." He knew his sister was used to doing things on her own, plus he suspected she didn't want a big production made of her visit. "So, what are we going to do today?"
"Hmmm, I don't know." She stood and walked toward the door.
"Where are you going?" Brandon looked back at her.
"I'm going back inside, it's too early for me. Plus I just thought of something we could do, you know, to start the day off right."
"You're going to make me breakfast? Oh, that's so sweet of you, Kel." He stood and followed her to the door.
"You are just full of it this morning, aren't you?" Kelly laughed as he grabbed her around he waist and kissed her, kicking the door shut behind them.
Dylan and Brenda had traveled most of the way from the airport in silence, other than infrequent small talk. She had booked a room at the hotel, and she was looking forward to a good night's rest. She was definitely suffering from jet lag.
They reached the hotel and got her checked in. Brenda sat down on the sofa in the sitting area. Dylan sat down across from her. They both sighed, the nervous energy between them almost visible.
"So, you glad to be back home?"
"I'm happy just being in one place for right now." She looked at Dylan. After the long ride home, she was tired of the small talk. "You know, I think we need to talk."
Dylan stood. "You're tired. Why don't you get some rest."
Brenda stood to meet him. "Talk to me, Dylan." She grabbed his hand in hers. The need for physical connection was almost overwhelming.
"Brenda.I don't think this is such a good idea." He was feeling the same attraction; one so familiar and so comforting, but yet one so complicated.
"It doesn't have to be." She was standing directly in front of him now. He felt his emotions rise.
"Dammit, Brenda." He let go of her hand and stepped back. "Just let me go." The absurdity of his words weren't lost on him, but it was just how he felt. He wanted to be released from loving her.
She looked at him sadly, recognizing his agony. All she wanted to do was take it away, if he would just let her.
"Dylan, please." She walked to him again. "Please don't go."
He looked at her, defeated. "I don't know what the hell you want from me." He wished she would stop looking at him, her eyes piercing his very soul. He couldn't hide from her. His breath became labored as he fought to keep his emotions in check.
Seeing an opportunity, Brenda took his hands once again, this time slowly pulling him into an embrace.
He couldn't hold it in any longer. He wrapped his arms around her and wept, burying his face in her hair. She held him tighter as tears welled in her eyes. They needed this; they had tried so hard all those years ago to move ahead that they didn't take time to grieve.
After a while, Dylan pulled away, looking at her.
She looked down, afraid of what her eyes would reveal. Afraid of what she would see in his eyes, more afraid of what she wouldn't.
He didn't give her a chance to find out. He cupped her chin and lifted her head up, his mouth covering hers immediately. She responded, opening her mouth to receive him, urging him on. It was a hungry kiss, both savoring every moment while yearning for more.
"Dylan." Brenda managed to pull away long enough to offer one last chance for escape before they plunged headfirst into the very thing both were so scared of, but wanted more than anything.
Dylan simply shook his head, unwilling to take the offer. He kissed her again, urging her back toward the couch. They fell back into the sofa, their kisses becoming more and more urgent.
Things quickly progressed to a point at which a bed would be much better suited for the events taking place. Brenda managed to roll on top of him and stood up, pulling him with her.
He smiled as she kicked off her sandals and took off her shirt, tossing it aside.
"You're creating quite a mess.who are you and what have you done with Brenda?"
"Very funny." She remembered the petty arguments over abandoned shoes and strewn clothes they had while living together in London. She looked at him, this time serious. "Maybe I'm not the same person. Five years is a long time."
Dylan looked at her, his eyes heavy and dark. "Too long."
They kissed again, her hands running through his hair. Her eyes matched his as she lay back on the bed and pulled him to her, unwilling to wait any longer. She pulled at the button of his pants as he ran his hands under her skirt, hooking his thumbs on each side of her underwear and pulling them off in one clean motion. Working frantically, she finally freed him, pushing away the clothing that remained between them.
Dylan looked at her lying beneath him, this woman he had been with so many times before, each time just as intense as the last. It had always been this way with them; it was just a matter of acting on it. Sometimes the intensity of their love was overwhelming.
Brenda saw the emotion in his eyes, and kissed him softly. "I know." She held him tightly as they began to move together, the world around them fading away.
'You look like hell, McKay' he thought.
He turned, destined once again for another drink to dull the aching in his head, when he heard a knock at the door.
"Go away," he yelled.
A familiar voice sounded through the door.
"Dylan! Come on, open the door!"
'That can't be who it sounds like,' Dylan thought, wiping his face with the end of his shirt. After pouring another drink, he stumbled to the door and opened it.
"Brandon Walsh." Dylan managed to get out the name before heading back to the couch.
Brandon walked in, shutting the door behind him, and followed Dylan.
"I must admit I envisioned a more enthusiastic greeting, even from you." Brandon looked at Dylan closely, immediately recognizing the state he was in.
"Oh, sorry. Let me try again." Dylan looked at Brandon, hardly able to concentrate on his face. "Brandon!"
"Better. So, tell me Dylan. What's up with you?"
"What's up with me? Now that's a funny question. What's up with me.let's see. Um, I'm thinking nothing. Absolutely nothing. Why, what's up with you?"
Brandon sighed, knowing Dylan was hard to deal with when he was this wasted. "Well, I just got back in town. Kelly told me you had been out of sight for a while, so I thought I'd come see how you were doing."
Dylan laughed. "Ahhh, Kelly Taylor. I knew she had something to do with this little visit. Well, let me save us both a lot of time here.she's right. Whatever she said, she's right."
"Dylan, she's just worried about you."
"Blah, blah, blah.let's just skip this part and cut to the chase so I can get back to.whatever it was I was doing. What do you want from me, Brandon?"
"At the moment nothing. But I'm willing to wait." He threw his jacket over the back of the chair and sat down.
"Well, suit yourself. You wanna drink?" Dylan smiled as he fell back on the couch. Almost immediately, his eyes closed, his body surrendering to the alcohol.
Brandon stared at his friend, his closest and dearest friend of so many years, once again lost in his addiction.
Dylan woke to see Brandon in the chair in front of him, staring at him. He sat up abruptly, holding his head and rubbing his eyes as he did.
"What the hell."
Brandon sat up, frowning. "Hey. How do you feel?"
Dylan's eyebrow raised, looking at Brandon. "Like shit, how 'bout you? What time is it?"
Brandon looked at his watch. "About three."
"Three, huh? Shouldn't you be somewhere?" Dylan started to stand up, but Brandon stood up instead, and motioned Dylan to stay seated.
"Dylan, talk to me. I don't care what time it is. What's going on?" He looked down, not wanting to face Dylan. "Is it Kelly?"
Dylan smirked. "Oh, Brandon. Kelly.Kelly and me.we were through before we ever got started. She'd like to think she was the cause of my demise, wouldn't she?" His face saddened. "But no, with Kelly, goodbye has always been as easy as hello." He looked down, almost regretful.
Brandon recognized the admission but decided to let it go. He had always suspected as much; that for Dylan, it had always been about the chase with Kelly. "So.what is it?"
"It's just life, Brandon." Dylan sighed, frustrated. "It just seems that every time I think things are going to be okay, something happens.someone pulls the rug out from under me." He stopped, shaking his head. "I'll be fine, Brandon. I just need some time."
Brandon frowned, not satisfied.
After a long pause, Dylan looked at Brandon. "When I left, after Toni died, I didn't know where I was going. I went everywhere, looking for something.anything to take the pain away. I traveled around, going from one place to the next with no real plans. Then one day, I ran into Brenda.right in the middle of London. It was so good to see a familiar face.I had thought of her while I was traveling, but that was it.I just thought it would be too awkward to see her after everything that had happened." He paused. "But there I was, standing in front of her, feeling the same way I had so many times before." He looked away. "I realized, even after everything, I never stopped loving her." He paused, got up and walked to the window.
"So she let me stay with her for awhile. It was nice to have someone there, someone who cared about what I was doing.anyway, so I guess old habits are hard to break, because it wasn't long until we were together again. But it was good; things started to look better. I started feeling better. We actually enjoyed living together." Dylan frowned and looked at Brandon. "Brenda never mentioned any of this to you?"
Brandon nodded. "Well, yeah, I knew you guys were living together. She just never said much about why.why all of a sudden you were suddenly back in Beverly Hills.
Dylan interrupted, looking out the window. "Brenda was pregnant, Brandon."
Brandon stared at Dylan in shock. "What?"
Dylan nodded. "She was almost three months along when she.. we.lost the baby." he barely spoke the words, his voice just above a whisper.
Brandon looked down. "Dylan, I'm sorry.I don't know exactly what to say."
Dylan nodded again. "I know. Neither did I."
"So when did this happen? I can't believe she didn't tell."
"It was about six months before I came back. It's why I left." Dylan walked back to the couch and sat down. "You know Brenda, she tried to act like everything was fine. I knew it wasn't, but she just wouldn't.she wouldn't let me in. She treated me as if she hated me, Brandon.until.I just couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't what she needed.and I knew if I stayed any longer.if I didn't leave.whatever love that remained between us.it would have died. And I couldn't bear to watch it happen. So I left."
Brandon, almost expressionless, took his turn walking to the window. He stared out over the endless sea of lights, wondering just how it had happened that he and his twin had become so detached from one another. They had once been so close, and yet now.now it was different.
Brandon turned around. "So you left her and came back to Beverly Hills, thinking somehow Kelly Taylor could make you forget."
Dylan looked at Brandon. "If anyone could, it would have been Kelly."
Brandon grimaced. He was resisting the increasing urge to tell Dylan exactly what he thought of him when it came to Kelly.what he put her through. 'What he put us through, all for nothing', Brandon thought as he walked back to the couch and sat down.
"So what now, Dylan? When's the last time you talked to her?"
Dylan stared at him.
"You haven't talked to her since you left, have you?
Dylan shook his head. "No." He paused, then looked down. "She never mentions me, does she?"
Brandon sighed. He had no doubt Brenda still loved Dylan. That wasn't the question. It never was. "Actually, yeah, she asks how you are doing." He looks at Dylan. "She wants to know you're okay." 'Which is more than I can say about you', Brandon thought.
Dylan nodded, reading Brandon's thoughts. "I know what this must sound like to you, Brandon."
'What, that you're still the idiot you've always been when it comes to Brenda?' Brandon almost smiled at the thought. Dylan had always been different with Brenda. Other than the brief time he was with Toni, the times he was with Brenda were the only times Brandon could honestly say Dylan was truly happy. Even during the rough patches of their relationship, Brandon always thought they would be together in the end. She refused to compete with his addictions, so if he wanted to be with her, he had no choice but to give himself over to her, completely. And he did. "Dylan, it just sounds to me like you need to talk to her. Tell her what's on your mind."
Dylan gave a small laugh. "I'm sure she'd be real anxious to know.it's only been what.five years?" Dylan shook his head in frustration. "But that works both ways, you know? She hasn't called me, either. And she's the one who." He stopped, closed his eyes and put his head in his hands. "This is just it.one minute I'm blaming myself for not doing more, then the next I'm so mad at her I can hardly stand it."
"Well, honestly I'm not surprised she hasn't called you, Dylan. I mean, you haven't exactly been all alone since you've been back. Brenda still talks to Donna; even if I haven't told her everything that's gone on with you I'm sure Donna has." Brandon hated to sound so defensive of his sister, but he couldn't help it.
"You mean Kelly."
Brandon rolled his eyes in frustration. "Kelly, Gina, whoever. It doesn't matter. The fact is you've led everyone here to believe that for whatever reason, Brenda means nothing to you anymore." Brandon looked at Dylan almost accusingly. "Come on, Dylan. You knew it would get back to Brenda; you wanted to hurt her."
Dylan sighed, his face in his hands. "I don't know, maybe I did."
They both sat in silence for a while before Brandon stood. "You know, maybe it's time for me to go." Brandon walked to toward the door.
"I know I don't deserve her." Dylan didn't look up.
Brandon paused before walking through the open door. "No, you don't." With that, Brandon walked out. The anger that had slowly built inside of him was threatening to surface. Anger towards himself for not being more involved with his sister, anger towards Brenda for not involving him, anger at Dylan for.well, being Dylan. He walked toward the elevators, then turned back, and knocked on Dylan's door.
Dylan opened the door and looked at Brandon.
"Look.regardless of what you've said or done, and even though I may not think you deserve it.I know.I know that Brenda loves you." Brandon looked at Dylan briefly before turning to walk away.
"Hey, Brandon?"
Brandon turned around. "Yeah?"
"Thanks."
Brandon nodded, then walked to the elevators.
Dylan closed the door, thinking about everything that had been said. It was if a weight had suddenly been lifted. He hadn't realized how much it had been weighing on his mind. For the first time since he could remember, he didn't dread the thought of getting up the next morning.
Brandon woke up later than he had planned. His late night with Dylan had produced a restless sleep, filled with dreams of Brenda and Kelly and Dylan. Mixed up dreams that left Brandon exhausted.
"Mornin' glory." Steve popped his head inside the door as Brandon walked out of the bathroom from his shower. "I thought I heard you."
"Hey, Steve. Yeah, I slept a little later than I anticipated. Has Kelly called?" He and Kelly had plans for lunch; she was probably wondering where he was.
"Yeah, I told her you were in the shower. She said to hurry up." Steve looked at Brandon. "So, how did things go with Dylan?"
Brandon sighed. "You know Dylan, he'll be fine."
"Well, I know Kelly's been worried about him. I haven't seen him around in a while."
Brandon just nodded, not wanting to further the conversation. "Well, I guess I should get going. I'll see you later, man."
Brandon left, headed to the Peach Pit.
Kelly sat alone in a corner, waiting on Brandon. She hadn't known he was planning on moving back to Beverly Hills until he showed up at the beach house a week ago. A job offer he couldn't refuse, he had said. 'Plus you'.the words echoed in her ears as a smile crept over her face. Not that she expected, or even necessarily wanted to pursue a relationship with him so soon.it was just nice to have him back. She had missed him. She had shared with him her concern about Dylan, and it was good to have him there to listen. Not that others didn't.Steve, David.they would have done anything she asked. But Brandon.Brandon knew what to do.he knew Dylan better than anyone. It was a relief to have someone to share the weight of Dylan's problems. Not that she even knew what they stemmed from, but she recognized the seriousness of them. He was drowning, and she couldn't help him. She never could.
"Hey, Kel." Kelly almost jumped. Brandon had walked in without her noticing. "Didn't mean to startle you." He flashed a handsome grin. "Must have been pondering some pretty deep stuff there."
"Hey, well, you know me. I'm pretty deep." She returned his grin with a sly smile.
Brandon sat down and looked at her, this time his face was serious. "Well, I went by Dylan's last night."
'So much for the small talk,' Kelly thought. "And?"
Brandon sighed. He really didn't want to get into the details, but he knew Kelly was worried about Dylan. He wondered what Kelly's feelings for Dylan were. "And, he told me some things I wasn't aware of, things he has been trying to deal with.things from his past."
Kelly frowned. "His past with who?"
Brandon was almost amazed at the clarity at which Kelly could read between the lines. He looked down, unable to look at her. "His past with Brenda. Dylan told me last night that.they lost a baby, Kel." There. He said it. No use in keeping it from her, she would find out sooner or later anyway.
"Oh." It was all she could muster. She was suddenly very aware of her expressions, trying her best to keep the shock from showing. She didn't think she was doing a very good job. Brandon verified it.
"Don't think I wasn't as shocked as you, Kel. I had no idea.Brenda didn't tell me the whole story, either."
Kelly found her voice. "It's.it's just, when he came back.he acted so indifferent about her. I never really asked what had happened, but he told me he had left her. I figured it just didn't work out. End of story."
"Yeah, that's kind of the impression I got from Brenda." Brandon looked at Kelly. "Evidently they went through a lot more than they let on. And I don't know about Brenda, but for some reason Dylan is now having a hard time with it." He sighed. "I'm only telling you this much because I know you worry about him, Kel."
Kelly nodded.
"I haven't talked to Brenda yet; I think I'm going to give her a call this afternoon. I feel so.I feel bad. She's my twin sister.you would think I would pick up on something like this. I mean, I could have been there for her.she just didn't let on."
"There's no way you could have known.if she didn't tell you. Dylan certainly didn't want to talk about it; maybe Brenda felt the same." She frowned. "Are you sure she didn't tell your parents? I mean, how far along was she?"
Brandon shrugged. "They never let on anything was wrong. You know, there was a time I would have said she would have told me before them.but we're just not as close as we used to be." He sighed again. "Dylan said she was almost three months.they were probably just getting used to the idea when.when it happened." Brandon looked at Kelly, waiting for the inevitable question.
"So is that the reason.is that why Dylan came back?" It came out more as a statement than a question. She looked at him, already knowing the answer.
Brandon nodded. "He said things just got increasingly worse between them until finally.he had to leave."
Kelly nodded.
Brandon looked at Kelly. "I know that's not the reason he told you."
She gave him a sad smile. "Yeah, you'd think by now I would've learned." She looked down. As much as she hated to admit it, just the thought of Brenda and Dylan together still made her jealous. Now this.they had a child together.'He used me,' she thought. 'And I let him, just like I always have.' She looked at Brandon, who was looking at her, his eyes full of pity. 'Oh, great. Now he feels sorry for me. How pathetic am I?' She shrugged and shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts. "It's really not important, anyway. What's important is that he's." She paused, looked at Brandon. "Is that they both are okay."
Brandon recognized the mix of emotions that were flowing through Kelly; he could see it in her eyes. He knew the history of these three people; these people that were so important to him.how could they cause each other so much pain? Was it fate? Destiny? Why, from a chance meeting in high school, could these people keep finding each other, keep coming back to each other, when all they ever left with was heartache?
He knew the answer, of course. Only one thing made people act this way. Only one thing could pull a person across the country, across the ocean, and against better judgement. It was the reason he was sitting here facing this woman. It was love.
Kelly sighed and looked around. "Listen, I'm really not all that hungry.do you mind if I take a raincheck on lunch?"
Brandon looked worried. "Sure, if you want.Kel, I know this is hard on you."
"No, it's really not. I just.I think I'm going to go for a walk on the beach or something, you know, to clear my head." Kelly stood up.
"Yeah, sure."
"I'll call you later, okay?" She looked at Brandon. Beautiful, honest, trustworthy Brandon. She gave him a small kiss and walked out.
Brandon looked after her. He knew and understood what she had to do. She had say goodbye.
It had been almost one-thirty in the afternoon before Dylan made it to the shower. And after three cups of stiff coffee, he was still a little groggy. His conversation with Brandon had certainly produced a solid night's sleep, but he couldn't help but wonder if he had made a mistake telling him everything. But somehow Brandon being there had hit a nerve; it was as if someone had flipped a switch, and it all just came tumbling out. He realized it had been slowly eating away at him, and the more he talked, the better he felt. If she only knew how many times he had picked up the phone to call her. Had she done the same? Did she ever think of him, of them?
He had decided to go to the Peach Pit to get something to eat. He thought it would be good to get out for awhile; he'd been staring at the walls of his place for more days than he could remember. He gathered his things and headed out, only to find Kelly standing on the other side of the door.
"Kelly.hey." He looked down, involuntarily avoiding her gaze.
"Hi. I just wanted to see if you were okay. Haven't seen you in awhile."
Dylan looked up. "Yeah, I've been busy." He hadn't realized how hard it would be to face her.it was almost painful. He knew Brandon had probably already told her everything, but he wasn't ready to talk about it with Kelly.
"It's okay, you know me, I just worry too much." Kelly smiled.
"No, I appreciate it." He looked down again. "I was just on my way to grab something to eat if you want to join me."
"Yeah, actually I wanted to talk to you." She looked at him closely. His eyes were filled with guilt as he looked up. It was a good thing it had been a short drive over, because the more she had thought about him the angrier she had gotten. She had wanted to ask him why.why had he treated her this way, when he was supposed to love her? She had wanted to punish him; for all the pain he had caused her, for all the lies, all the broken promises. But as she looked at him now.she realized. he was doing it for her; he was punishing himself. She wanted answers to questions for which there were no answers, and she realized there was nothing left to say. "You know what, I just remembered.I have.I have to be somewhere.." She paused and gave a small smile. "I really didn't need anything, I just wanted to say hello. I think we're all going to be at the After Dark tonight. Maybe we'll see you there?"
Dylan sighed. "Yeah, maybe so."
She stepped forward and put his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. She looked into his eyes, eyes that expressed his regret and pleaded for understanding. She recognized this, and accepted the unspoken apology. Finally she spoke. "Goodbye, Dylan." The words hung in the air as she kissed him softly on the cheek. They both realized the magnitude of the words, two little words that spoke volumes of a relationship they both had turned to in times of hurt, in times of confusion, in times of loneliness. They knew it was a relationship that would cease to be; the time had come to let it go.
"Kelly." He grabbed her hand.
She shook her head and put a finger to his lips as she gave him a sad smile.
He nodded in understanding as he released her hand. She was right. There was nothing for him to say. He watched as she walked down the hall and disappeared around the corner. He closed his eyes and sighed.
Brenda sat on the patio of her apartment, looking out across the waves of people weaving their way along the street. She was once again smoking, a habit she had twice kicked. 'Dylan always hated it when I smoked,' she thought as she took a long drag from her cigarette. She had just gotten off the phone with Brandon, and decided she was definitely in need of the nicotine. He had told her about Dylan, and what Dylan had told him about their relationship. Their relationship. You couldn't really even call it a relationship anymore; she hadn't even spoken to Dylan in five years. Yeah, she asked Brandon about him, and occasionally Donna would mention something about him, but that was it. She refused to call him. 'He was the one who left you,' she would tell herself when the urge would surface to talk to him.to hear his voice again.
Of course she missed him. She missed him terribly. After he had left, her world seemed to hit rock bottom. She had stopped working completely, and hid away in her apartment, avoiding everyone. But just as it had caused her so much pain, his leaving had also forced her to face her problems head on.and alone. It had been tough at first, but each day she had become stronger and stronger, until one day she realized.she was going to be okay. She began to work more than ever, taking virtually every role that was offered to her. She began to go out again, and without realizing it, started to have fun again. She filed away her relationship with Dylan as one of the best things that had ever happened to her, and once again became comfortable with the fact that even if they weren't together, she would always love him. And that was okay.
And until Brandon had called, she had been successful in her attempt to get on with her life. Until Brandon had called, that part of her life was history, and she had finally been able to look forward instead of backwards. Until Brandon called.
She was glad to hear from him, though, and if she was honest with herself she was even relieved he knew exactly what had happened with her and Dylan. She had never kept secrets from her family, and doing so had not been easy on her. She had just felt it was something she wanted to deal with on her own, and she was grateful to Brandon for understanding that need.
She had listened to Brandon tell her everything Dylan had said, and recognized the pain he was feeling. She had experienced the same pain, and knew that while he had been able to avoid it for the past five years, the time had come for him to deal with it, just as she had. And in the same way she had needed to be alone, she knew Dylan needed her.he needed her understanding and forgiveness and support. These things were not hard to give him, but she knew doing so could open doors that had long since been closed.
But she would go to him, just as she always would when he needed her. Just as she always had. She loved him.
She finished her cigarette and put it out in the ashtray beside her. She had booked a flight to Beverly Hills as soon as she got off the phone with Brandon, and she knew she needed to start packing, something she hated doing. As she walked back inside, memories of her and Dylan and the times they had shared there in the small apartment invaded her thoughts. They had shared some really good times, and also some really hard times. She remembered the day she first saw him in London, standing there in the middle of the street, staring at her. She had almost not recognized him; he had lost weight he couldn't afford to lose, and looked as if he hadn't shaved in days. Brandon had told her about Toni and what had happened, and Dylan's eyes had confirmed that his pain was all that she had imagined and more. It wasn't long before he was staying with her, but she had been careful not let their relationship progress beyond friendship. She had simply taken care of him; had made sure he ate, had listened when he wanted to talk about Toni, and had watched him battle his addictions, sometimes successfully, sometimes unsuccessfully. Slowly he had returned to a closer version of the person she remembered, and though he was forever changed, he was still the same man she had fallen in love with all those years ago. She had watched the progression in his eyes, eyes that had once expressed only pain had began to reflect signs of happiness, of hope, and of love.
She walked into her bedroom and pulled her luggage from her closet. 'Warm weather clothes,' she thought as she scanned the rack of clothes in front of her. She started grabbing garments and throwing them on the bed, her mind wandering again to the past.
She thought of how he had convinced her, against her better judgement, to go on a "date" with him. Thinking back now, it was inevitable. It had been silly to think that they could've maintained a platonic relationship while living under the same roof. 'If nothing else,' she thought, 'we definitely have chemistry.' She smiled as she thought of their first night together in London, and how wonderful it had felt to be back in his arms.
She sat down on the bed, surrendering to her thoughts. They had been together almost two years when she had found out she was pregnant. And although it definitely had been unexpected, they both were happy and excited with the news, and had planned to let Brandon and Kelly be the first ones to know when they met them in Corsica for their honeymoon. Funny how things can turn out so differently from what you expect.
Her mind wandered to the rest of the group, and she wondered what they would think of her return. From talking to Donna she knew Dylan had not been entirely truthful about things, and she knew he had downplayed their relationship. Maybe in an effort to hurt her, maybe not. But it really hadn't bothered her, and in a strange way, she even understood. She had done the same thing after he had left London. She had gotten rid of any trace that he had been there, and had tried in vain to avoid dealing with her loss. Apparently she had just realized it didn't work a whole lot sooner than Dylan had.
Brenda didn't know at what point the tears had started, but they were now flowing freely. She cried for herself, she cried for Dylan, and she cried for their loss and the pain that had separated them.
After leaving the Peach Pit, Brandon went back to his old house. He was sitting in his car in the driveway, looking at the house when Kelly drove up. He wasn't sure how long he had been there, but it must have been quite awhile. He had been thinking of the times that he and his family had spent there, and about how much had changed since those times.
It was his home during some of the best times of his life, and he couldn't help but wish things were more like they had been back then. He couldn't wait to see Brenda and talk to her face to face. He wanted to feel connected to her again, something he hadn't realized he missed until coming back to Beverly Hills. He had been worried about calling her about Dylan and their conversation, but she was receptive; it was almost as if she knew the call was coming. She didn't say much about it, but she did express her reasons for not telling him or their parents. She had wanted to deal with it in her own way. This didn't surprise Brandon; Brenda had always been fiercely independent, especially about her own problems. And with her being so far away, its no wonder no one picked up on it. He wondered if he should tell Dylan she was coming home, but decided he would leave it up to Brenda. He had to remember that this was between them.
Kelly walked up to Brandon as he got out of his car. "Hey." She looked at him quizzically.
"Hey." He smiled. "I was just sitting here, you know, thinking."
"Thinking, huh? Pretty dangerous stuff." She smiled back, then took his hand in hers. "I wanted to tell you that.I talked to Dylan."
He nodded, looking at the ground, then raised his eyebrows and looked at her.
"And.I'm okay." She looked at him seriously. "I just wanted you to know that."
He nodded again, this time looking at her. He gestured toward the house. "So, do you want to come in?"
He started to pull her toward the house, but she hesitated, pulling him back. "Brandon." She looked at him, her eyes insistent. "I don't think you understand what I'm trying to say."
"You know, sometimes you just can't take a hint, can you?" He was suddenly pushing her back against his car, his body on hers and his arms on either side, trapping her.
"Brandon! What are you."
Brandon's voice was low. "I'm glad you talked to Dylan, and I'm glad you're okay. And because you are okay, I desperately want to get you inside of that house, because.I don't think I can wait a minute longer to make love to you."
He looked into her eyes, waiting for a signal. He didn't wait long.
She kissed him, long and hard, before breaking away. "So what are we waiting for?"
He smiled and kissed her again.
Dylan sat on the sofa in his hotel room, resisting the urge to pour himself a drink. He knew he should have thrown away the bottles of liquor before he had a chance to be by himself again.alone with his thoughts. That's when the temptation was greatest.
He suddenly remembered he had some work he needed to do; some financial schedules his accountant had given him earlier in the month he had yet to look at. It would be a good distraction, something to get his mind off things. He sat down at the desk, looking at the documents before him.
It was a futile effort, however, and it wasn't long before he was staring aimlessly at the papers, lost in his thoughts.
He thought of Kelly.he had seen the hurt in her eyes, the anger and resentment of being a mere distraction.he had seen it all, including forgiveness. After everything, he knew she still loved him, and while things would never be the same between them, she forgave him. And he knew he didn't deserve it.
He thought of Antonia.his wife, who he barely had a chance to know before she was taken from him. He had mourned her passing, and although he knew he would forever grieve for the lost moments he would have spent with her, he was now able to appreciate the time they did have together, however brief it may had been. He had come to terms with her death.
Of course, it hadn't come easy for him; it was Brenda who had helped him through the toughest time in his life. She had been there to listen to him, to hear him yell and scream and curse the heavens and ask why. And when he succumbed, more than once, to the alcohol and drugs that called his name, she never turned her back on him. She had saved him from himself.again.
And so, slowly, she had become the reason for him to get up in the mornings. Without realizing it, she had become the light in his darkness, and without her.he couldn't see. He couldn't see the best parts of himself unless they reflected back at him in her eyes. He couldn't see any hope for his tomorrows unless she was there for him to share them with. He had depended on her in every way, and she had welcomed it.
They had fought together, fought for a happy life, and for a while they had won. They had been so happy when they found out she was pregnant; they had seen it as a sign.for once in their long and volatile relationship, fate had seemed to agree with them. It was probably because of this that they had such a hard time dealing with the miscarriage. Fate had turned on them.
Dylan gave up his efforts to work and decided to go the After Dark. Kelly had said everyone would be there, and he wanted to talk to Brandon again before he left. He knew his relationship with Brandon wasn't what it used to be, but he was still the closest thing he had to a true friend.
He was on his way out the door when the phone rang. He almost left anyway, thinking it was probably one of the gang making sure he was coming to the After Dark. But then something stopped him, and he turned back to answer the phone.
"Hello?" His voice was low and questioning.
"Dylan?"
He knew instantly who it was, that voice.a voice he hadn't heard in so long.now here she was.
"Hello? Dylan, is that you?"
"Yeah, it's me." He took a deep breath. "How are you, Bren?"
"So do you think he'll show up?" Kelly looked at Brandon as they walked into the After Dark.
"I have no idea. I haven't talked to him since the other night." Brandon sighed. "I wouldn't be surprised if he was in the same shape again. I hope not, but I wouldn't be surprised."
They found a table and sat down. It wasn't long before Donna spotted them and came over.
"Hey, guys. I was starting to wonder if you were going to show." Donna smiled as she sat down and took a deep breath.
"What's wrong, Donna?" Kelly noticed the distressed look on her friend's face.
"Oh, nothing. I just had such a busy day at the shop. I'm beat." She looked at Kelly. "I think I'm going to have to find someone else to help out."
"You ought to. You need to be able to take time off." Kelly smiled. "Do you want me to help out while you find someone? I don't mind."
Donna frowned. "Thanks, Kel, but I know you're busy. It will be fine." She waved her hands. "Tonight I just want to relax and have a good time."
"Now that's a good idea." Brandon looked past Donna and saw Dylan walk through the door. "Well, looks like Dylan made it."
"Dylan's here? Gosh, I haven't seen him in forever." Donna looked behind her. "David said he saw him a few weeks ago; he said Dylan didn't look very good."
The waitress came up to take their drink orders. After she left, Dylan walked over.
Kelly smiled. "Dylan, hey. Glad you made it. Sit down."
Dylan forced a smile. "Hey Kel. Donna." He looked at Brandon. "Can I talk to you a minute?"
Brandon frowned, then nodded. "Sure." He looked at Kelly. "I'll be right back."
Kelly nodded as she watched them walk up to Dylan's office.
Brandon followed Dylan into the office and sat down as Dylan shut the door behind them.
"So what's up."
Dylan interrupted. "I never meant for you to tell Brenda everything I told you. I thought I could talk to you."
Brandon stood. He had expected this. "Look, Dylan, Brenda is my sister. You knew the situation you were putting me in."
Dylan shook his head, his voice rising a level. "Oh, yeah. You come over to my house in the middle of the night asking a million questions and I'm the one who put you in a situation?"
Brandon sighed and looked down. "I just wanted to make sure she was okay."
Dylan started to speak, but stopped. He nodded and sat down, rubbing his head.
"So she called you?" Brandon sat down again.
"Yeah." Dylan waited for the questions but they never came. He raised his head and looked at Brandon. "She's flying out tomorrow, and she wants to see me."
Brandon nodded. "I'll be glad to see her. It's been a long time."
"Yeah." Dylan wasn't exactly enthusiastic about the idea. He didn't like what he had heard in Brenda's voice. It was pity. He didn't want her pity, and he didn't need her help. But yet she would try to give it to him anyway, thanks to Brandon. Suddenly he wanted to be alone. "So I just wanted to let you know she was coming in, in case you didn't know." He stood up and opened the door.
Brandon took the hint. "Okay. Thanks." He walked out of the office. "You coming?" He motioned to the tables below, where Steve and Janet had joined Kelly and Donna.
"I don't think so. I'll see you." Dylan shut the door before Brandon could respond. Frowning, he went to join the others.
Brenda hated flying almost as much as she hated packing. It wasn't really the flying that bothered her; it was the cramped space of the airplane that drove her nuts. She hated being confined for that long, and was relieved when they finally touched down at LAX.
The only thing worse than the cramped space of the airplane was the hassle of finding luggage. She finally spotted hers coming down the conveyor, so she squeezed in front the mass of people to get closer. Just as she went to pick her bag up, someone from behind her grabbed it.
"Hey! Excuse me, I think that's my bag." She bent over to check the tags on the luggage.
"And I thought I was helping. Guess I was wrong. Again."
She immediately recognized the voice, and slowly looked at him. "Dylan.I didn't know it was you."
"Yeah, I know. So how was your flight?" It seemed like such a generic thing to say, but his heart was beating so fast he was having a hard time concentrating.
"It was okay. Long, cramped, and extremely uncomfortable, but okay." She gave him a small smile. She felt her stomach do flip-flops as she stood in front of him. "So, what are you doing here?"
"What, you're not glad to see me?" He gave her a brief smile.
"Of course I am. It's just that yesterday when I talked to you." She frowned, looking at him. She was tired of playing games. "Do you not remember our conversation? You practically hung up on me. I didn't even think I would see you."
He almost smiled. She hadn't changed a bit. She was the same fiery woman she had always been, straight up and to the point. "Yeah, well, I had a change of heart." He looked at her and sighed. She was staring at him with those huge eyes, full of anticipation. He could almost feel the wall around his heart crumble, and he knew he would love this woman before him for the rest of his days, whether he wanted to or not. He sat her bag down on the ground and offered her his hand. "I've missed you, Bren."
It was all she needed. Immediately she was in his arms, tears welling in her eyes. "I've missed you so much." She whispered the words, not sure if he could hear them, knowing it didn't matter.
They held each other for some time, while the mass of people rushed around them. It was a perfect moment, one they wanted to last forever.before the reality of everything came into focus.before the unexpected currents of life swept them away once again.
Brandon had woke up early, his mind working overtime from the previous day's events. He was outside of the beach apartment, looking out over the ocean. He loved mornings like this; this is what he had missed most when he was away. He remembered the first time Dylan took him to the ocean and he had tried to surf. He smiled at the memory; definitely not his cup of tea, so to speak. And so began a long and complicated friendship. So much had happened, so much had changed, and yet the players were still the same. It was amazing, really.
He heard the door open and close behind him.
"Hey, you. What are you doing up so early?" Kelly gave him a small kiss before sitting down next to him.
"Just enjoying the morning air." He looked at her. "So how'd you sleep?"
"Good, how about you?
"Good." He pulled her close to him, wrapping his arms around her.
"Brandon?"
"Yeah?"
She turned to look at him. "I know this may seem a little sudden, but.well, I don't care." She smiled. "I want you to move into the beach apartment with me."
Brandon smiled. "What?"
"I know you can stay with Steve and Janet if you want, but I just think it would be nice if you.if we were here, you know, together."
"Are you saying we should live together? After I've been here all of what, two weeks?"
Kelly frowned. "You didn't have any trouble sleeping with me."
Brandon had to smile. "Kel, I'm kidding. Of course I want to live with you." He turned her around to face him. "I love you, you know."
Kelly rolled her eyes. "Oh, I love you, too. Even when you do that to me."
"Do what?" Brandon looked at her innocently.
Kelly playfully hit him on the shoulder. "Yeah, yeah." She turned back around and settled back against him again. "So you said Brenda was coming in today?" Kelly asked partly because she wondered and partly because she felt obligated to. In all honesty she really wasn't that enthusiastic about seeing Brenda again. It had been so long, and in light of the recent events, she still couldn't shake that familiar twinge of jealousy, and she didn't like it.
"Yeah, at least that was the plan. She didn't call me with any flight times or anything, so I guess I'll see her when I see her." He knew his sister was used to doing things on her own, plus he suspected she didn't want a big production made of her visit. "So, what are we going to do today?"
"Hmmm, I don't know." She stood and walked toward the door.
"Where are you going?" Brandon looked back at her.
"I'm going back inside, it's too early for me. Plus I just thought of something we could do, you know, to start the day off right."
"You're going to make me breakfast? Oh, that's so sweet of you, Kel." He stood and followed her to the door.
"You are just full of it this morning, aren't you?" Kelly laughed as he grabbed her around he waist and kissed her, kicking the door shut behind them.
Dylan and Brenda had traveled most of the way from the airport in silence, other than infrequent small talk. She had booked a room at the hotel, and she was looking forward to a good night's rest. She was definitely suffering from jet lag.
They reached the hotel and got her checked in. Brenda sat down on the sofa in the sitting area. Dylan sat down across from her. They both sighed, the nervous energy between them almost visible.
"So, you glad to be back home?"
"I'm happy just being in one place for right now." She looked at Dylan. After the long ride home, she was tired of the small talk. "You know, I think we need to talk."
Dylan stood. "You're tired. Why don't you get some rest."
Brenda stood to meet him. "Talk to me, Dylan." She grabbed his hand in hers. The need for physical connection was almost overwhelming.
"Brenda.I don't think this is such a good idea." He was feeling the same attraction; one so familiar and so comforting, but yet one so complicated.
"It doesn't have to be." She was standing directly in front of him now. He felt his emotions rise.
"Dammit, Brenda." He let go of her hand and stepped back. "Just let me go." The absurdity of his words weren't lost on him, but it was just how he felt. He wanted to be released from loving her.
She looked at him sadly, recognizing his agony. All she wanted to do was take it away, if he would just let her.
"Dylan, please." She walked to him again. "Please don't go."
He looked at her, defeated. "I don't know what the hell you want from me." He wished she would stop looking at him, her eyes piercing his very soul. He couldn't hide from her. His breath became labored as he fought to keep his emotions in check.
Seeing an opportunity, Brenda took his hands once again, this time slowly pulling him into an embrace.
He couldn't hold it in any longer. He wrapped his arms around her and wept, burying his face in her hair. She held him tighter as tears welled in her eyes. They needed this; they had tried so hard all those years ago to move ahead that they didn't take time to grieve.
After a while, Dylan pulled away, looking at her.
She looked down, afraid of what her eyes would reveal. Afraid of what she would see in his eyes, more afraid of what she wouldn't.
He didn't give her a chance to find out. He cupped her chin and lifted her head up, his mouth covering hers immediately. She responded, opening her mouth to receive him, urging him on. It was a hungry kiss, both savoring every moment while yearning for more.
"Dylan." Brenda managed to pull away long enough to offer one last chance for escape before they plunged headfirst into the very thing both were so scared of, but wanted more than anything.
Dylan simply shook his head, unwilling to take the offer. He kissed her again, urging her back toward the couch. They fell back into the sofa, their kisses becoming more and more urgent.
Things quickly progressed to a point at which a bed would be much better suited for the events taking place. Brenda managed to roll on top of him and stood up, pulling him with her.
He smiled as she kicked off her sandals and took off her shirt, tossing it aside.
"You're creating quite a mess.who are you and what have you done with Brenda?"
"Very funny." She remembered the petty arguments over abandoned shoes and strewn clothes they had while living together in London. She looked at him, this time serious. "Maybe I'm not the same person. Five years is a long time."
Dylan looked at her, his eyes heavy and dark. "Too long."
They kissed again, her hands running through his hair. Her eyes matched his as she lay back on the bed and pulled him to her, unwilling to wait any longer. She pulled at the button of his pants as he ran his hands under her skirt, hooking his thumbs on each side of her underwear and pulling them off in one clean motion. Working frantically, she finally freed him, pushing away the clothing that remained between them.
Dylan looked at her lying beneath him, this woman he had been with so many times before, each time just as intense as the last. It had always been this way with them; it was just a matter of acting on it. Sometimes the intensity of their love was overwhelming.
Brenda saw the emotion in his eyes, and kissed him softly. "I know." She held him tightly as they began to move together, the world around them fading away.