A/N: I have a sick sense of humor. Therefore, it's a good thing that I don't own Scooby-Doo. :)

The Mystery Machine went steadily down the hill. Up in the front, Fred listening to some music, and watching the road, while Daphne was reading a book. In the middle, Velma was, unfortunately, squashed between Scooby and Shaggy, because the rest of the space was being taken up by some gadgets. Her discomfort was only elevated when Shaggy and Scooby decided to throw food at one another and catch it in their mouths.

"Fred!" she complained. "Can't we move the spare parts back here? I'm covered in gorgonzola, and it's starting to smell. I'm trying work on an essay, but it's hard to write when food is being hurled at your face."

"Sorry, Velma." Shaggy replied. "We were, like, having a contest. Isn't that right, Scoob?" Scooby-Doo merely grinned.

"Can't hear you, Velma! Music's too loud!" Fred yelled. "Text me!"

Velma rolled her eyes. "Fine." She pulled out her phone, and texted Fred the message, but some pizza grease was splattered over her laptop. Angrily, she pulled out a towel and tried to clean off the filth, but her phone fell onto the ground, mashing random keys onto the ground."

"Velma, your message is kinda weird." Fred bellowed. "Something about a green llama and a Curly french frie. Do you mean Curly, as in the person? I remember when we met him and the other guys, but there was nothing about a llama. Hey, what's that?"

Someone in a lobster costume had jumped in front of the van. "Beware, sleuths! I am the Living Lobster, and-" THUMP!

Daphne looked outside the window. "Uh, Fred...Did we just hit someone?" Fred looked at the rear-view mirror and shrugged. "It's probably nothing."

Scooby look scared, not that that was anything new. "Ruh, Red, I rhink rwe rhit rsomeone. Risn't rhat rillegal?"

Fred leaned back in his seat. "Sorry, Scoob, can't understand you."

"FRED!" Velma yelled. "I saw a dead body! Stop. The. Car!" Grumpily, Fred turned off the van, and they all walked back to the alleged corpse.

"Uh, guys, I think we just killed someone." Shaggy said. "I see some blood and something that might be a bone." Scooby's ears perked up at the word 'bone.'

Fred noticed this. "Okay, Scooby. I need you to sniff the corpse and tell us if it's actually a corpse."

"Fred, if you're saying that it's a corpse, then why do you need Scooby to check?" Velma stated.

Fred replied by saying, "Why did all of you come out of the van to investigate it with me?"

Scooby shook his head. "Ruh, ruh. Ri'm rnot rsniffing rthe rdead rbody."

Daphne held up a box of Scooby-Snacks. "Will you do it for a Scooby-Snack?"

Scooby immediately began sniffing the lobster. After two minutes of sniffing and one poke with a stick, he had an official statement. "Rhe's rdead."

Coincidentally, the lobster began to move. "Oh, my aching head. I think my ribs are broken. Who did this?"

Fred instantly ran back to the Mystery Machine and backed over the lobster seven more times. Everyone was horrified by this.

"Fred!" Velma yelled. "What was that for? He or she needed medical attention!"

Fred looked nervous. "We can't have any witnesses! I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I don't actually know how to drive. Why do you think we keep having to stay at abandoned houses and hire someone to fix our van?"

Shaggy paced back and forth, wringing his hands. "Like, what do we do? WHAT DO WE DO? Fred's just killed someone! We're going to jail! I'd die of starvation in jail! Have you seen those small portions?"

Daphne slapped Shaggy. "Shut up and get a hold of yourself! I know how to fix this! We're not going to jail for a homicide! Remember the old days, where I had my butler help us? OH, JENKINS! Gosh, I hope he's still alive. While we're waiting, let's unmask this lobster. Scooby, more treats for you if you unmask him. We don't want to touch the blood."

Scooby tore off the stained mask, revealing none other than Old Man Jenkins!

Fred stared. "Wow...I didn't know that we knew so many Jenkins."

"I didn't know that they were both so old." Velma replied.

"Well, he's not so old now! He's dead!" Shaggy laughed. Everyone stared at him in horror. "What? I'm trying to lighten the mood!"

Fred leaned down and stared at the mangled corpse. "Actually, he was only in his late twenties. We just thought he was an old man, because he wore that creepy mask on Halloween."

After five incredibly awkward minutes, a feeble old man slowly crawled up the hill. After coughing and spluttering at the sight of the mashed corpse, he turned to Daphne. "Yes, Ms. Blake?"

Daphne flipped her hair. "Jenkins, please get rid of this body for me."

Jenkins looked nervous. "I am afraid that I can't do that, Miss Blake. I am a weak old man, and I don't want to go to jail as an accomplice."

Daphne sighed. "Okay, run him over."

Five minutes later, the gang had two dead bodies to take care of. Almost everyone was frantic, except for Scooby. He was still eating the Scooby-Snacks.

Fred was curled up in the fetal position against a tree, sobbing. Suddenly, he stopped and looked into the distance. "Guys, guys! There's someone coming!"

"POLICE POWER!" Scrappy scurried over to them, dragging a wagon with him. "Oh, hi, guys! I haven't seen you in a while! Uncle Scooby, I'm a police mascot puppy! I was sent here after Jenkins disappeared. Do you know where he is?"

BOOM! Scrappy exploded. Everyone turned to see Shaggy, holding a smoking handgun. "What?" he complained. "I thought you didn't want any witnesses! Oh, yeah...Three bodies to bury. Hey, Scoob! Sorry for killing your nephew, I guess."

Scooby looked embarrassed. "Ractually, Ri rnever rhad a rnephew. Scrappy rwas a rstalker."

Fred looked confused. "Hey, Shaggy, why did you have a gun in the first place?"

Shaggy blinked "That's not important. Let's just be happy that it doesn't even matter that I killed him in cold blood! Woo! Hey, wasn't he with the police?"

"Yes, he was, Mr. Norville." A police officer stepped out of the forest. "This is the Coolsville police. Put your hands up, Mystery Inc. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to talk to a lawyer and have him present with you while you are being questioned. If you cannot afford to hire a lawyer, then one will be assigned to you. You can decide at any time to exercise these rights and not answer any questions or make any statements. Do you wish to talk to us? Of course, your response doesn't matter. You've been mowing people down for the past twelve hours, and multiple people have sent us pictures of your license plate."

Fred grinned. "Uh, yeah, I'm not a very good driver." He looked at his feet for a few seconds. "HEAD FOR THE VAN! Shaggy, shoot the cop!"

Shaggy shot the cop, but not before getting Tasered, and the gang dove into the van.

"Okay, gang." Fred stated. "Before we leave America, let's do what we always do in a chase. Turn off the laugh track that I keep in the van, come into contact with some kind of famous band, enjoy a song, and set a Goldberg-esque trap! Who's with me?"

The famous band Miscellaneous And The Soupers popped up, and played them out, riding into the rising run. And they lived happily ever after, in federal prison!

Fred would later become a lawyer. Velma would stay in prison and upgrade the security system in exchange for amnesty. Daphne would escape and become a supervillain. Scooby would move to a small town in Ohio. Shaggy would kill people in prison, and later be killed by The Punisher. So, remember, kids, don't text and drive! Or, seeing as Fred was a lousy driver to begin with, learn to drive! This PSA is sponsored by the Miscellaneous Soup Animation Studio!

A/N: Yeah...Not as funny as I wanted it to be. Still, I wanted to write it. I hope you enjoyed my story. Have an excellent day!