(A/N): It makes no sense at all. Enjoy!
AU: I have no idea.
There Once was a Giant Pig
By: Shutterfly_Simmons and Murpo
There once was a giant pig. The pig was skewered by a javelin.
"Die giant pig!" Clarisse yelled. She then proceeded towards the flag's hiding place. Seeing her charging in their direction, the guards ran away in fright. It was a very competitive game, and the guards were far from ready to face Clarisse's wrath. They hid behind a tree, trying not to be noticed.
"Don't you dare!" Percy screamed, barreling from the bushes with Riptide ready. The guards prayed to the gods, hoping Percy wasn't telling at them. Percy was charging at Clarisse, with Riptide in front of him.
"Bring it, Prissy!" she cried, grabbing her spear.
Percy started to charge when something barreled down the hill and hit Clarisse. Clarisse stumbled into the dead pig. Percy was still with shock for a moment but the minute he snapped out he started to laugh. He regretted it as soon as he realized that the thing was now heading straight towards him.
"Water cannon up my nose!" he screeched as he jumped aside.
"What did you say?" Clarisse asked, laughing.
"Water cannon up my nose," Percy repeated. "It's not supposed to be funny!" That only made Clarisse laugh harder.
"I swear it's an insult," Percy whined.
"That's literally the worst insult I've ever heard," she snorted. Percy pointed Riptide at Clarisse angrily.
"You're a swan," Percy yelled. Clarisse stopped laughing and glared at Percy.
"Care to repeat that?" she asked quietly.
Percy gulped but refused to back down, "A swan." The guards took this as an opportunity to run away. Nobody noticed since Percy and Clarisse were basically having a death duel. The guards returned with popcorn. A large group crowded around Clarisse and Percy. They all had a variety of snacks. Percy stared at everyone, confused by why they were gathering.
"Why didn't you bring me anything?" Percy complained.
"You can have a can," Grover offered.
"I'll pass." Grover shrugged and ate the can quickly. Several people facepalmed. The rest asked for some.
"I want a teleprompter," Percy yelled randomly. The screaming for cans stopped and everyone stared at him.
"What's a teleprompter?" Someone asked.
Percy shrugged, "I heard it once somewhere." Everyone turned to look at Annabeth.
"A device used in movies and productions for actors to read off of," Annabeth said.
"Why do you know that?" Percy asked.
"Dictionary," Annabeth said.
"Remind me why you read that, " Percy said.
"To have a larger vocabulary," Annabeth replied. "You should read it too."
"That's okay, " Percy said quickly.
Clarisse tapped her foot impatiently, "Are we going to start this fight?"
"Wait, I'm not finished. "
"Guess what? I don't care," Clarisse grumbled before running straight at Percy with her electric spear. Percy ran out of the way. He had Riptide pulled out.
"What're you fighting about?" Grover asked. What were they fighting about? Percy thought to himself.
"What were we fighting about?" they both asked in unison.
"This is stupid," Clarisse muttered.
"I never thought I'd agree with you, but yeah it is, " Percy admitted. They bowed to each other and walked off. They didn't really know where they were going, though. The audience groaned; they took time out of their day and this is what they get.
"That's it?" they cried. Percy ignored them. But, Clarisse didn't.
"Shush you idiots. Do any of you want to fight me?" She challenged.
"No!"They cried quickly.
Clarisse puffed out her chest. "I thought not."
"So, what do we do with this giant pig?" someone asked.
"Leave it there," someone replied. They soon forgot about it. But everyone remembered the "fight." The dead pig began to rot. No one cared. But, one awful day, the camp was low on meat.
"Should we take it?" One camper asked tentatively. They decided to take it. It was a bad decision. Nobody cared. After all, only a few of them died. Meat was worth it. They never had a shortage of meat ever again. They had a meat salvation project. Most people failed it. The Athena cabin did not. They passed with flying colors. Everyone else was jealous. They challenged them to Capture the Flag. The Athena cabin declined the challenge. Everyone declared them cowards. The Athena Cabin was furious. They did not like being called cowards. It was an act of war. They armed themselves. The Battle was not to the death. The enemy army surrendered immediately. Unfortunately, that meant both groups surrendered. No one understood what was going on. The overuse of pronouns had confused everyone. But they kept using pronouns. It annoyed the campers a lot. They teamed up to put an end to it. But, they didn't know who or what they were ending. Everything was so confusing. Nobody could or would do anything About it. It started to get boring. But, everyone was still too lazy to do anything about it.
One day, a minotaur appeared in the forest. Everyone ignored it. So they all died. This caused even more traffic in the underworld. Hades found it too annoying. He considered bringing them back to life but decided to hand over all the work to a random spirit instead. All the campers went to the Fields of Asphodel. They sat around and did nothing. It was boring. A couple of people took naps. Some ate food. The rest aimlessly roamed around.
Years passed and nothing happened. Eventually, everyone learned to deal with it. Camp Half-Blood was devoid of people. Someone found the abandoned camp. They ran away in fear. There were weapons everywhere. The abandoned camp looked scary. The grass was uncared for. The cabins' paint was peeling off. There weren't even any garden gnomes. Garden gnomes were important for a lively house. It meant you were of upper class. Garden gnomes were very expensive. They were also hideous. But some people didn't seem to notice. They were considered deformed. People ignored them. They were outcasts, as well. Almost everyone qualified as an outcast. They were quite common. Only those who were rich could be declared not a outcast again. It was very rare, though. Money was also hard to come by. It was too expensive. Expenses were important.
They were carefully managed. Percy never managed them properly. The campers yelled at Percy. They said the downfall of camp half-blood was his fault. Percy threw blades of black grass at them. Annabeth held him back from throwing weeds. Throwing weeds was just uncivilized. It was rude. Rudeness was frowned upon. Which is why Annabeth kept Percy from doing it. She didn't want her boyfriend to be an outcast. That would be a dishonor. Honor was all anyone had.
Quoted from the famous Mushu, "All right, that's it! Dishonor! Dishonor on your you, dishonor on your family, dishonor on your cow!" Restoring and gaining more honor was everyone's life goal. A goal that only few achieved. Honor was difficult to find. To find it, you must venture Dedalus' labyrinth. Or, you could carry around a parking ticket. Many people just carried around parking tickets. Parking ticket theft was very common. There was up to 400 cases in 2014 alone. That was only in the state of Colorado. Colorado was prone to ticket theft. No one was sure why. It was a great mystery. No one felt like solving it.
Percy didn't like parking tickets so he decided to gain his honor by going through the labyrinth. It sounded easier. He got lost when he stepped in. It was embarrassing. Annabeth was with him.
"Lost already?"
"No," Percy muttered. "We need to go, um, left."
"How do you know?" She asked.
Percy looked around for an excuse.
"Logic?" He said weakly.
"You and logic?" Annabeth asked; an eyebrow up.
"It's not that unbelievable," Percy complained.
"It is."
Percy frowned. Then, he smiled. Smiling was better. Annabeth wouldn't doubt him as much if he smiled. Besides, frowning was boring. Annabeth glared at Percy.
"What?" Percy asked indignantly.
"If this is wrong, you're dead to me," Annabeth muttered. Percy gulped. He slowly walked towards the left hallway, hoping Annabeth would stop and correct him. She didn't, so hopefully that was a good thing.
They walked through the hallway to find themselves in a room full of swords. The swords were all rusty and broken. Annabeth backed away from them. Percy stepped closer.
"Are you seriously going to touch those?" Annabeth asked, though she already knew the answer.
"They could be useful," protested Percy.
"Step away from the weapons, Percy," Annabeth warned. She pulled out her knife. Percy screamed. It was embarrassingly high pitched. Percy was mortified. He blushed. Annabeth laughed. Percy groaned, knowing he'd never hear the end of this.
"You just screamed. That was you!" Annabeth burst into another fit of laughter. Percy glared at her. But Annabeth kept laughing. The sound echoed. The weapon rack fell over.
The two demigods jumped in surprise.
"My fault? You were the one laughing."
"You screamed!"
They forgot about the swords and began insulting each other. Soon it turned into a duel. Percy wasn't entirely sure how it became a rhyming duel.
"Your voice echoed and it, it, be-choed?" Percy said, hesitantly.
"You screamed like a little girl, were you going to hurl?" Annabeth asked.
"I hate you, eat a shoe!" Percy yelled.
"That's the best you've got, you big lot?" Annabeth challenged.
"You're not a fighter, you're scared of a spider!" Percy hollered back.
"That doesn't even rhyme!" Annabeth snapped. "What are you, a lime?"
"It sounds close enough, I'm really tough!"
"Tough, you say? No way!"
"Your rhymes don't have rhythm, you're a total um thumb."
"Are you nine, you little swine?"
"Your face is nine, but not mine!" Percy screeched.
"Thank the Gods for that, you insolent prat." Percy simply screamed in response, not able to think of more rhymes.
"Ha!" Annabeth laughed. "Looks like I win." Percy ran towards a random hallway. He couldn't bare the shame any more. He ran through a bunch of random tunnels. He ran in a circle. Annaneth stared at him confused.
"Are you okay, " she finally asked.
"I'm fine," Percy spat out.
"Right, " Annabeth said, sarcastically. Percy then fainted. Annabeth sighed and pulled out her backpack. She reached in, looking for ambrosia. Instead, she found a note that said 'refill ambrosia.' She smacked herself in the face. She was going to kill Percy. At that moment, Percy screamed. He'd had a horrid nightmare. In the nightmare, a bunch of colored pencils were chasing him. He knew that they were angry he had sharpened them. He made a promise to never use a sharpener again. But, they hadn't relented. They kept chasing him. He begged them to stop. But they didn't understand him. They only spoke the language of art. Percy was never artistic. He was surprised that he hadn't failed art. It was one of the required courses in High School. He hated it. The teacher hated him back. It was a wonderful relationship. It made Percy unhappy. He thought his art was impressive. It was abstract art. At least, that was what he had claimed. Nobody agreed with him. Even Percy didn't believe it. And that was why Percy hated color pencils.
Of course, Annabeth didn't know any of this. When she realized he woke up, she ran over with a pack of color pencils. Percy jumped away in fright. Percy jumped away in fright.
"Get those away from me!" Percy cried.
"Get what away?" Annabeth asked, looking around.
"Those," he said, pointing to the color pencils. Annabeth frowned.
"You have a problem with my hand?" she asked. Percy shook his head furiously, getting more weird looks from Annabeth.
"You stuck at charades, you know that?"
"The c-color p-p-pencils," Percy finally stammered out. Annabeth just stared at him.
"What's wrong with my colored pencils?" She asked offended. "They're brand new and high quality, thank you very much."
"Color pencils just- I don't want to talk about it," Percy sighed.
Annabeth looked at him then down at her colored pencil and looked back up at Percy. The was no way she wasn't hearing the story, now.
"Explain now," she demanded. Annabeth listened intently. She held her laughs in until the end.
Percy glared at her. "It's serious!" Annabeth kept laughing.
"Colored pencils," she wheezed.
Percy looked offended. "It's a legitimate fear, you butt."
"Take that back!" she snapped.
"Never!"
Annabeth glowered at him. Percy glowered back. It became a glowering battle. Percy couldn't decide if it was more stupid than the rhyming battle. Annabeth won, since he hadn't been paying attention.
"One more time," Percy demanded. Annabeth agreed. They glared at each other. But, they were not glowering yet. It hadn't reached the climax yet. They were saving that for later. They didn't want to use up all their energy at once. That was a bad strategy. Annabeth won the glaring contest, once again. Percy sighed. He thought about declaring another one but Annabeth shook her head. Percy hid his face in shame.
"You'll never be a good glarer," Annabeth taunted. Percy burst into tears. Annabeth was a dream crusher. He made sure to tell her. He decided to do it later. He was too lazy to do it now. Instead he ate food. Food was the solution to the world's problems. It was common knowledge. Percy loved food. He loved it more than Grover loved food. They had conducted a scientific experiment to see. They had a speed eating contest. Percy had won. Grover wailed in disgrace. He tried to eat away his feelings. When he ate all the food left, the judges declared him the winner. They tried to anyway. Percy refused to hand over the certificate. He threw it in the middle of the ocean, when they tried to take it away from him. He was proud of himself.
The judges, on the other hand, were not. The certificate took them hours to make. They went through every single design on Microsoft publisher. When they found nothing, they went online for hours. They may have gotten distracted. They realized they had days to work on it. So, they immediately ignored it. Instead, they read fanfiction and talked for a long time. They figured they could do it later. Which meant Percy had gotten a bad certificate. Percy was not pleased. He was supposed to get the ultimate reward. He didn't even try to mask his disappointment. He cried. They hurriedly gave him a new certificate to calm him down. It worked. Grover tried crying, too. He couldn't. The judges just threw a plate at him. Grover ducked then ate a can. The plate flew into a tree. The tree fell. It squashed Grover. Percy also got squashed by the tree. The tree was squashed too. Everyone died.
THE END