Disclaimer: I do not own Power Rangers Dino Charge.
I, Riley Griffin, am 90 percent sure that I am gay, and am 100 percent sure that I have a crush on my co-worker, teammate, and fellow ranger, Chase Randall.
It's as I told Chase, even though he wasn't listening to me at the time and apparently didn't hear a single word I had said; back home, a lot of people made assumptions about me, and most of them were wrong. My mom and my older brother, Matt, would say seemingly innocuous comments such as, "When are you going to get yourself a girlfriend?" Or, "Surely some girl has caught your eye by now." The thing is while I may connect with females more emotionally, I am attracted to guys more physically.
I know what you might be thinking; perhaps I am simply bi, or maybe I am just curious. I highly doubt that is the case. Just because I said that I am attracted to guys more physically, doesn't mean that I find girls unattractive. That is not true at all. I am not blind. I know when a girl is gorgeous or beautiful. It doesn't mean I want to be with them though…not that I want to be with guys. Or maybe I do. I don't know. I think I do.
So if I'm gay, then why don't I come out of the closet? See? That's the thing. I'm not 100% sure that I am gay. I don't want to say that I am one thing when, in reality, it turns out that I am not. Besides, even though as a society, we have made great strides on the homosexuality front, we are still nowhere near the point where it is socially and universally acceptable. Quite frankly, that is enough to scare me into sticking with the status quo. You know how that saying goes; it's better to be safe than sorry. I rather lie to people and have them like me than tell the truth and have them hate me.
I think that is my biggest fear; I would lose my friends and family. My friends would no longer want to be friends with me. My family would disown me and want to have nothing to do with me. I don't know if my heart could withstand that. I'm not sure I want to know either. If I know my mother and brother like I think I do, then they are more…conservative…than liberal. There would therefore be no way they would be okay with me being gay.
I've never been in a relationship before. I've never even been on a date before. I don't want to go out with someone and have them be a guinea pig of sorts just so I can get an idea of what works for me. That would hardly be fair to them, and I would feel bad. That being said, having never been in a relationship before, I don't know what I'm looking for. Even so, I don't want to be in a relationship just to experiment; to check that off my list of things that I still need to or would like to do. When I'm in a relationship, I want it to be meaningful. I want it to be lasting. I want it to be my one and only.
So what makes me so certain that I have a crush on Chase? Where do I even begin? Okay. I guess first of all, there's his accent. I am a sucker for accents. I don't know, but there is something melodious and captivating about accents, and Chase has a Kiwi one. I could probably listen to Chase talk all day, and not get the slightest bit sick of hearing his voice. I know it sounds corny, but it really was love at first sight. Not to be shallow or anything, but if I were gay, Chase is a good looking guy. Frankly, it's what made me join up with the rangers in the first place. I saw that Chase already was the black power ranger. Being a ranger would mean I would get the opportunity to work closer with him; to get to know him, and I honestly couldn't pass that up. I would be a fool to.
They say there is a thin line between love and hate. Whether it's love or hate, both are extreme emotions. Feeling either extreme is better than feeling nothing at all. In all honesty, no one gets under my skin the way that Chase does. Being as disciplined and as focused as I am, it takes a lot to throw me off my game, but back when Chase and I had different philosophies about training and what it meant to be a ranger, Chase did precisely that. And, well, if I can hate Chase as much as I do sometimes, then maybe…
Like I told Chase, I love to analyze things. It's kind of a double-edged sword though. Analyzing things is all well and good, but it can easily lead to me being a bit…neurotic, and that has more of a negative connotation. I've been known to think about things so much that perhaps I over think things. I guess it's like Chase said, sometimes, it really is that simple.
After we had defeated Cavity, and Chase caught me off guard by showing up at the track to join me for a run, I nearly came out to him then and there. I'm kind of glad that he didn't hear all that I said though, just as I am equally glad that I didn't come out. The last thing I would want is to lose Chase's friendship; for things to become awkward between us.
Besides, there's also the fact that Chase is a huge flirt. More to the point, he is easily distracted by girls. This obviously doesn't bode well for me. Maybe it is just wishful thinking on my part, but I have a couple of theories about that though. Theory number one, Chase is bi. This seems like a simple enough fix, and hardly far-fetched. I mean I don't know Chase's sexuality, and it's not like I've ever come right out and flat out asked him. However, if he is bi, then there is still hope for him and me yet. Theory number two, Chase is trying to overcompensate for his sexuality by appearing to be the exact opposite of what he really is. Think about it. Would you suspect someone who flirts with girls as much as Chase does to be gay himself? And really, for someone who is such a huge flirt, Chase has never been in a relationship, much less a date, as long as I've known him, so he may be a flirt, but where girls are concerned, not a very successful one.
I remember Chase saying that once we found all the Energems, he was thinking he would go visit his mom in New Zealand. I recall feeling a bit…disheartened by that. It was a painful reminder that he isn't even from the states. I know it's selfish of me, but I don't like that idea one bit. Even though I've only known Chase for a few months, I have gotten used to seeing him on a daily basis, so the idea of suddenly not being able to…I don't know; it doesn't sit well with me.
I guess you could say that is one reason why Chase and I would never work out; the whole long-distance thing. Not that I'm some relationship expert, but from my understanding, most relationships don't survive the whole long-distance thing. Even though the ranch I call home isn't far from Amber Beach, New Zealand is. It's literally thousands of miles away. It's in an entirely different country!
Another reason, though admittedly not as important, Chase and I would never work out, is there is an age difference. Granted, since we've both bonded to our respective Energems, we will never age, so the age thing is kind of a moot point. Anyways, it's not like it's that huge of an age difference anyways. I'm sixteen, soon to be seventeen years old. He's eighteen years old. Huh. I guess even though my birthday is coming up, I won't ever really be seventeen years old on account of the whole not aging thing…
Then there's the fact that we're practically polar opposites. I mean, but I guess opposites attract, right? He's the ying to my yang. Whereas some people might argue that I am wound too tightly, Chase is carefree. Whereas I struggle with self-confidence, Chase practically oozes confidence. Even when it comes to our weapon of choice, I prefer a sword while he prefers a blaster. I pride myself on my ability to focus and concentrate while Chase sometimes has difficulties focusing and concentrating.
Still, I can't help but remember something Keeper had said to me. Maybe Chase and I aren't as different as I think we are. Did he mean that we both were fighting for the same things? Or was Keeper trying to imply something? Did he know something about Chase that I didn't know? Maybe something that even Chase himself doesn't know? Or am I just reading too much into it? Maybe it's just a classic case of me hearing what I want to hear, but maybe Keeper meant that Chase and I…play for the same team…if you catch my drift.
To be perfectly honest, I felt kind of jealous when Chase won those N-Zed Boys concert tickets for Shelby. Logically, I know he did it to make up for teasing her so much for liking the New Zealand boy band in the first place. But was there more to it than that? Was there another reason Chase had won those tickets for Shelby? Did he have a crush on her like I have a crush on him? It doesn't make sense though! I thought Shelby and Tyler liked each other! When Shelby got Tyler's dad's bracelet back, Chase and I exchanged a knowing look. Since then though, nothing really has amounted to anything between Shelby and Tyler. As far as I know, they haven't even really been out on a date. And now this whole thing with Chase and the concert tickets.
See? That's another reason I don't dare tell Chase how I feel about him. Out of fear that he won't reciprocate my feelings. What if the reason he flirts so much with girls is because he is completely heterosexual? Me telling him I have a crush on him would just be me making a fool out of myself because he obviously wouldn't like me back. I mean if that's even in the realm of possibilities, then maybe I shouldn't have loose lips.
Yet there are times where I swear he is giving me every indication to the contrary. Just little things like putting a hand on my shoulder that, on their own may not mean much, but cumulatively might just mean something. I feel like out of everyone on the team, rangers at least, Chase is the closest to Koda and, even though it may just be wishful thinking on my part, me. I mean even going back to when Chase and I had a heart-to-heart at the track that again, he never ended up hearing, the way he put his hand on my shoulder and kind of took a half-step towards me. I put both of my hands on his shoulders and we kind of gazed at each other. And we were so close too. I could've sworn that he was flirting with me then!
I don't know. I feel like I am talking in circles. I think in society, there is a certain pressure for guys to be with girls and girls to be with guys. It's the norm. Despite gay marriage being legalized now, many still believe that a man should marry a woman; that there's a reason why male anatomy differs from female anatomy; that there's a reason why a baby can only be produced by a man and a woman. And one is naïve to think that just because gay marriage is legal that homophobia doesn't exist anymore. It does. Perhaps even now more than ever.
It's ironic, isn't it? The scariest thing to me isn't Sledge, Fury, or any evil monster. It's coming out of the closet. It's coming to terms with the fact that I might not be just like every other straight person out there even though I want to be. After all, I don't think anyone wants to be different; at least not like this. Because let's face it; being gay is the equivalent of painting a nice big bulls eye on your back, and who wants to do that?
I don't think being gay is something you choose. You don't just wake up one day and say, "I think today I'll like people of the same sex!" Rather, I think it's something deep down you know you are, but instead of accepting it, you choose to be in denial about it until you get to a point where you are sick of living your life in denial; where you are sick of living a lie.
So really, that 10% of me that is uncertain of my sexuality is the part of me in denial; the part of me that firmly believes, desperately hopes, that I am normal even though all the evidence suggests otherwise.
For now, I'll continue to live my life in denial, thank you very much. Who knows? Maybe some day I'll work up the courage to come out to Chase and tell him how I really feel about him. Unrequited love sucks, but I much rather have a platonic relationship with Chase than have no relationship with him at all because now that I have met Chase, now that I know him, I don't think I can live my life without him, and that is one theory I do not want to put to the test.
To Be Continued…