Coming back to anything akin to a "normal" life was one of the harder things to get used to after the second giant war. The hardest parts were when we had to assure ourselves that we were safe, that it was over, and that no one else would have to die. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night, not from my own nightmares, but from the lack of familiar heat from having another body next to mine.
Those nights were the worst for me. As if it weren't enough to deal with the losses and the nightmares, it stung that much more to see him so angry and sad. And night was the worst. The lamp in the corner that was perpetually alight could only do so much.
Last night, I woke up to an empty bed, and like every time that happened, I panicked. Memories of searching for Percy and figuring out he was gone flashed through my mind and it took me longer than I would have liked to remind myself that it was over. But once I'd regained control, I saw that the window leading out onto the fire escape was open, so I'd gotten up.
He was just outside; sitting on the cold metal in the same t-shirt and boxers he'd gone to sleep in despite the fact that it was cold. I sat down next to him and without being prompted, he told me what he saw: Bob and Damasen again. We'd been home a month and even though things were starting to get marginally better, the nightmares still came without much of a reprieve. It was all either of us could do to just listen; an "I'm sorry" doesn't really cut it with this stuff. Much later than I would've liked, I was able to coax Percy back inside so he could try to sleep, and he consented only when I promised to hold him the rest of the night.
When the both of us were finally under the sheets again with the window closed, I faced Percy's back and draped an arm across his middle. At night, and especially after nightmares, he tends to get sentimental and melancholy, which results in him wanting some kind of close physical contact. Never once have I been annoyed by it; he's never wanted anything sexual, though I have been guilty of that. I personally think its part of how he copes and I don't mind the flush of warmth I feel knowing that I'm making him feel better.
The morning is a different story. Ever since Sally had invited me to live with them, she had become the mother I wished I had when I was younger. She had been when Percy was missing, too, but living in the same space amplified the maternal bond I felt with her. That did not mean that I was happy to be woken up by her cheerful demeanor when I had gotten so little sleep. Maybe she was happy to have Percy and I back in her lives and in her home, but I could not understand how anyone could be so happy when it was barely seven in the morning.
As soon as the door opened, I was awake. "Time to get up!" Sally said as she shook Percy's shoulder. He groaned and rolled onto his stomach while mumbling something that sounded like "five more minutes." The arm that had been draped across him was now stuck and I jostled him a little more roughly than I should have in an effort to extricate it.
"Get up, Seaweed Brain. I'm not letting you be late when it's only the second week of school," I mumbled sleepily. Sally had left the room and turned on some more lights as she exited. Once I got up, Percy spread out more on the bed and sighed contentedly into his pillow. He was the one who needed to shower, too, and if he didn't get up soon I knew he was going to be late. In one swift movement, I pulled the sheets off of him and pounced, landing on the small of his back.
He tried to push me off, but I leaned out of the way. Instead, he rolled over to the edge of his mattress and promptly fell off while I moved to safety just in time. Percy groaned and uttered a muffled "ow" after hitting the floor before sitting up and rubbing his hands over his face. I got off the bed and walked over to where he was on the floor, resting one hand on the top of his head and ruffling his hair. "That's what you get. Now time to shower."
"Do I have to?" he asked, turning to look at me.
I leaned down to kiss him. "Yes," I said as I pulled away. He pouted, which I expected, but I was hungry and not in the mood to baby him. "You have fifteen minutes before I'll be back in here needing to change."
"Need any help with that?" he teased, smirk on his face.
"Only if you're lucky."
"I was pretty lucky the other day…" It was like he wanted me to hit him, but I didn't since I was more focused on thinking about a particularly satisfying half hour spent in the Poseidon cabin while we had visited camp over the weekend. Plus it was more than likely he'll end up saying something else stupid enough for me to hit him later in the day, so instead I kissed him again.
"Help me up?" he asked after I pulled away. Just because I wasn't going to hit him didn't mean I had to be nice to him.
"Nope," I replied, turning around to walk to the kitchen. I didn't see Paul, but Sally was rummaging through the cupboards and turned around abruptly when I bade her good morning.
"Did you sleep alright?" she asked with a tinge of worry evident in her voice. She turned away from the cupboards to look at me with a face I identified as concern. It was one of the things I loved about Sally; she had accepted me so easily into her home and I could not thank her enough for everything she'd given me. I didn't think it was even possible for me to repay her.
"I would've, if Percy didn't keep me up half the night." Sally didn't say anything and I could tell she was trying to formulate a response. It took me a moment to realize how what I said could be construed. "Nightmares," I said by way of explanation, but it didn't stop a blush from spreading across my cheeks.
"Oh," she breathed, laughing nervously. I didn't know if Sally knew about that aspect of Percy and I's relationship, and I hoped to gods that she didn't. "Anything I need to be concerned about?" The worry was back and even though I was glad that she didn't seem to know what I was just thinking, I wished there was something more I could do to allay her apprehension.
With a sigh I sat down at the small kitchen table, breakfast temporarily forgotten. Sally sat down opposite me and I could not think of what to tell her. "They're not as frequent as they used to be," I started, staring at the handle of the refrigerator. "I don't think we can do anything but be there for him." She nodded her head, the look of worry still there.
Though Percy and I had told her what happened while trying to prevent the end of the world again, we both agreed not to get into too much detail about what happened in Tartarus. It was enough to live through it and neither of us wanted to recount what happened lest someone else become affected through us. "What about you?" she asked after a few moments of silence.
"What about me?" I looked at her and hoped that she couldn't see the anxiety that was omnipresent these days. But this was Sally, who had seen me at one of the most vulnerable points in my life and who had been a safety net for me while Percy was missing. She looked at me like I was being ridiculous, as if she knew how hard it was for me to hold myself together.
"It's really hard," I said in a voice thick with an emotion that I couldn't quite place. Sadness? Anger? I didn't know. I just knew that I didn't want to feel like my life was constantly slipping away or that my sanity was leaving me bit by bit. "I just keep thinking that one day I'm going to wake up and we're going to be fighting for our lives or that I'm going to be alone again."
When the tears came, I didn't try to stop them and Sally didn't interrupt as I tried to describe to her everything that I didn't want to burden Percy with. We had both gone through so much and I wanted to be strong for him. I wanted to be able to pretend that I was okay and that I could help him through the same things I needed help with.
At some point she took one of my hands in her own and I found that I didn't mind. To me that spoke volumes about the trust I invested in Sally. Several minutes passed before I finished and thankfully I could still hear the shower running in Percy's bathroom; I didn't want him to hear what I'd just said. I didn't try to hide the tears that continued to fall and I didn't feel ashamed of them, either. In front of Sally, I thought it was okay.
"Annabeth," she started, drawing my attention to her. I was still looking at the refrigerator handle. "I'm not going to pretend like I can even begin to understand what you've had to go through. I just want you to know how happy I am that you're both here and alive…" She trailed off and I couldn't help remembering the months of holding onto the hope that Percy would come home to us.
"I love you like a daughter and I hope that you will always feel comfortable coming to me whenever you need someone to listen, because I always will." I smiled a genuine smile that seemed to be so rare when I wasn't with Percy. And even around him it wasn't a lot.
Just saying "thank you" once again seemed inadequate. Instead I stood up as Sally came around the table to engulf me in a hug. And even though it wasn't enough, I couldn't think of anything else to say, so I whispered the small expression of gratitude to her.
The shower from Percy's bathroom had turned off, which meant it wouldn't be suspicious if I went to his room to change. I disentangled myself from Sally and wiped the vestiges of emotion off my face. Percy didn't need that right now. But when I opened the door, he turned to look at me and he smiled a real smile. I don't know how he did it, but I was so happy it was there.
Maybe my mask wasn't thick enough, but I guess Percy saw something in my face that made him worry. He closed the distance between us and wrapped his arms around me and I was so glad that he understood that I needed him to. "I'm not going anywhere," he muttered into my hair. I could feel the water in his hair dripping onto my shirt, which was technically one of his.
"Never again," I whispered, hoping that someday I wouldn't need to be so dependent on him but knowing that that might never happen.