Where the Real Demons Are

by EGB Fan

Egon is convinced there's "something coming", but it seems that other members of the team are too preoccupied with their own stuff to do anything about it.

1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Ghostbusters and Extreme Ghostbusters © Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis and Fil Barlow. John and Eden Spengler © Fritz Baugh. Charlene Zeddemore created by Fritz Baugh, and developed by Brian Reilly and myself. Story and all other original characters © the author.

Extreme Ghostbusters: Where the Real Demons Are

Part 1

"Heightened PK activity" and "definitely something coming" were two particular phrases, from the lips of Dr. Egon Spengler, that stuck with Peter Venkman when he went home on Monday night. But hours later, when he was lying in bed and it was nearing midnight, he was almost looking forward to whatever was coming to try and destroy the universe, or some such - just as long as it didn't yell.

Dana came back to bed with fury on her face and an order on her lips: "Go and get her to go to bed."

"How? I'm not gonna drag her there," said Peter.

"Just tell her. She listens to you."

"No she doesn't."

"Yes she does."

"She'll go in her own time."

"If you don't start being firmer with her," said Dana, "she's going to be doing a lot of things 'in her own time'."

"Fine," said Peter, and he climbed out of bed. It wasn't worth a long argument. He wanted to go to sleep, which would mean giving in to what was probably the greater of two evils - although, as he had learnt recently, you never really could tell.

As he went downstairs, he thought of all those anti-smoking and pro-contraception campaigns and such, whose worst threat for failing to comply with their message was becoming a statistic. "DON'T BE A STATISTIC!" Well, Peter thought, the Venkman household was certainly one of those now. He happened to know that statistically, mothers and teenage daughters argued more than any other combination of relatives. They argued more than mothers and sons, fathers and sons, fathers and daughters; they even argued more than spouses and siblings.

Jessica was in the kitchen, leaning against one of the surfaces and eating a bowl of ice cream. When she saw Peter she froze with the spoon in her mouth, and glared at him defiantly as though daring him to take away her midnight snack.

"Aren't you tired?" asked Peter.

Jessica shrugged, and said - at the same time pulling the spoon out of her mouth - "'Mungwy."

"Yeah? Dinner not up to much?"

"It was fine," said Jessica, "but it was hours ago."

"Yeah… about that," said Peter. "Honey… we did ask you to be home by ten."

Dana had always hated the way he used endearments when he was supposed to be asserting his authority, and he had always done it. "Honey, don't draw on the walls with Mommy's lipstick." "Sweetheart, you know you're not supposed to forge my signature when you get a letter from school." If this one continued the way he and Dana feared, it would be, "Honey, didn't I ask you not to get yourself pregnant?"

"You didn't ask me," Jessica said acidly. "You told me."

"Well Jess, we are your parents," Peter said timidly.

"This is so not fair. You never gave Oscar curfews."

"Yes we did, when he was your age."

"Yeah, well… I'll bet he didn't get this much grief for missing them."

"Well he didn't miss them."

Jessica seemed not to have an answer to that. She said, "I didn't do it to spite you."

"No, I'm sure you didn't."

"She thinks I did."

"I expect you just lost track of time," said Peter.

"Yeah." Jessica nodded slowly. "Yeah, I did."

"I don't suppose you wanna tell me what you were doing all that time?"

She played with her ice cream for a few moments, put the bowl down on the surface behind her and finally said, "I suppose I might as well. We were talking about… something pretty important. I'm pregnant."

Peter quite scared himself. He had never reacted so strongly to anything in his life - not even when Dana had uttered those words over fifteen years ago. And this time, it wasn't good. His whole body felt like it was collapsing in on itself. There was no breath in his lungs, and it was a gargantuan effort for him to suck in enough air to croak, "W-what?"

"Dad," said Jessica. He couldn't believe it. She was laughing at him! "Calm down, I'm not really pregnant."

"You're, you're not…?"

"April fool," she said coolly, and nodded towards the wall clock. It was past midnight.

The relief… it was even more overwhelming than the panic. Peter breathed in and out heavily for a very long time before he was finally able to say, "Don't do that to me!"

"Oh, that was a good one," said Jessica.

"It's not funny."

"You wouldn't say that if you could have seen your face."

"Jess…" He was still trying to catch his breath.

"Yeah?"

"Happy birthday." Well, what else could he say?

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Garrett Miller had long been a fan of April Fools' Day, but even he knew that there were times when you had to restrain yourself - like when the friend you happened to be with looked like he had a gun in his back.

"Spence, are you okay?" asked Garrett. They were in the back of a cab, saving their money by sharing, but it was going to make at least one of them later than usual for work; they were stuck in traffic, and likely to be again before the second stop.

"No. I'm freaking out," Spencer Daniels replied.

"How come?"

"Well… it's April."

"So?"

"So," said Spence, "the baby's due any minute!"

It was obvious, now that he heard it, but Garrett wouldn't have guessed that Spence was nervous about the impending birth of his second child. He had seemed very happy to announce six months earlier that he'd impregnated his long-term girlfriend, Stephanie McBride. Garrett could just imagine their child, male or female; Spence was a blond-haired, athletic, all-American kind of guy, and Stephanie was just the same but more so.

"Spence, come on, you've been so excited about that," said Garrett.

"Well, yes, but mostly I've been shitting myself about it."

"Why?"

"Because," said Spence, "the last time I had a baby I got divorced."

"So what?" Garrett said dismissively. "It's different this time. You're older."

"Yes."

"You know more or less what to expect."

"Yes."

"And you love Stephanie."

"I loved Grace."

"No you didn't," said Garrett. "Not really. Not like you love Stephanie."

"Well," said Spence. "No."

Garrett nodded, apparently satisfied. "Well then."

He couldn't be bothered to spend the remainder of the journey convincing Spence that he had nothing to worry about, so he got him onto talking about basketball. Then, once they got to the firehouse, Garrett of course left his friend in the cab with his terror.

"Garrett!" Janine Spengler said brightly. "You'll never guess who's here."

"You'd better tell me, then," said Garrett.

"Stephie."

He remembered the name straightaway. It was the shortened version of Persephonethius, one of a community of mole people - or, as they preferred, sub-dwellers - whom he'd had a brief flirtation with when he was new to Ghostbusting. It had all seemed very intense at the time, but Garrett had all but forgotten her in the ten and a half years since she decided she didn't love him enough to abandon her sick elderly father and put down roots on a higher level of the city. She seemed an odd person to pick for an April Fools' joke.

"Sure," said Garrett.

"No, really," said Janine. "She is."

But he wasn't going to fall for it - which was why he was surprised when he found Stephie in the rec room, sipping on a cup of coffee and talking earnestly to Kylie Griffin. There was no one else there, even though Roland Jackson's Mustang was down in the foyer. Apparently he was hiding.

"Garrett!" Stephie leapt to her feet and beamed all over her face. "Hi!"

She was wearing sunglasses, and had once claimed that sub-dwellers were blind in daylight, but she seemed to be able to see a little now. Well, she had always done okay indoors, Garrett remembered.

"Hi," he said. "I, um, wasn't expecting to see you."

"I might leave you to it," said Kylie, getting to her feet.

Garrett looked desperately at her. "You don't have to - "

"I've been dying to see you," said Stephie.

"Have you?" said Garrett. "I thought you were staying… you know… underground."

"Oh, don't be stupid - that was only ever temporary."

"It was?"

"Yes, until my father…" She broke off.

"Right," Garrett said. "So he, um…"

"Died."

"I'm sorry."

"He was a sick man."

"I remember," said Garrett, who at the time had expected Stephie's elderly father to last a lot less than ten years.

"It's been so hard, looking after him all this time," Stephie said tragically. "I wanted to keep him alive for as long as possible, but at the same time I knew I could never see you unless he died! Can you imagine what that's like?"

"Um…"

"I suppose you've been wondering when I'd come back, haven't you?"

"I… I did, for a while," Garrett said, quite truthfully. He had wanted her back for a good couple of weeks. "But I sort of… gave up expecting you."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Garrett. It was driving me crazy. But I'm back now, and - "

"Whoa, whoa, Stephie!" Garrett said urgently, jerking his wheelchair back as she started advancing towards him with open arms. "That's, that's not what I want."

"What?" She stopped dead. "Why?"

"You were gone more than ten years."

"I know."

"What did you think - I was gonna just sit around waiting for you?"

"Well…"

"I got married."

Stephie's face clouded over, and she said thunderously, "You got what?"

"Married."

"To a woman?"

"Well, she was the last time I looked."

"I don't believe this!" wailed Stephie. "You were supposed to wait for me!"

"Well you never said," Garrett said defensively.

"But it was obvious!"

"Was it?"

"What about our emotional connection? What about our love?"

"We only knew each other for a few days," said Garrett. "I didn't love you. I'm sorry, but I didn't. Maybe I'd started to get there, but then you had to go home to look after your father and I… met someone else."

"I don't believe this." She was in tears now - it was quite ridiculous, Garrett thought. "After everything we went through!"

"We had some pizza and I held your hand while your dad was in court!"

"We saved the city!"

"We saved the city's power supply," said Garrett. "I do stuff like that all the time."

"So none of it meant anything to you?"

"I didn't say that."

"So you got married, huh?" Stephie said sulkily. "What's her name?"

"Jo."

"How long have you been married?"

This was excruciating. "Almost three years."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes."

"For now," said Stephie. "You know almost half of all marriages end in divorce?"

"Everyone knows that," said Garrett.

"So what does she have that I don't have?"

"Well, for one thing she doesn't live underground."

When he said that, she just glared at him. The tears fell faster, and then finally she stormed out of the room. Garrett sat there, feeling rather stunned, and then moments later Kylie and Roland fell laughing out of the kitchen.

"Glad we could amuse you," Garrett said dryly.

"That was really funny," Roland giggled childishly.

"She moans a lot, doesn't she?" said Kylie. "I'd forgotten how much she does it."

"She moaned all the time, Ky," said Roland. "You remember. 'My people are so misunderstood…' 'We're being blamed for the power failures because of people's prejudices…' 'I don't have any money to pay for my father's bail…'"

"All legitimate reasons to complain," said Garrett.

"Yeah," said Roland, "but she needed to lighten up a bit."

"Coming from you," said Garrett, "that's harsh. Oh, hi, Peter," as Peter walked in looking harassed. "You okay?"

"I had a really weird night," said Peter. "Jessica came home two hours past her curfew and told me she was pregnant."

"What?" the three younger Ghostbusters expostulated.

"It's okay, she's not," said Peter. "It was after midnight."

"Oh, yeah, that's a good one," Kylie said approvingly. "I did that one on Eduardo two years in a row. But then the next year I actually was pregnant."

"Did he fall for it both times?" asked Garrett.

"'Course he did," said Kylie.

"You have to take that seriously," said Peter, sounding very serious indeed.

Garrett then let out a sigh, and said, "It'd be nice if what Stephie just did was all an elaborate April Fools' prank."

"Isn't she the chick who's having Roland's girlfriend's ex's baby?" asked Peter.

"It's not a chick who's having the baby, Peter," Kylie said levelly. "It's a woman."

"No," said Garrett, "that's Stephanie. Hmm… could get confusing. Stephie's just… an old flame."

Peter winced. "I hate it when that happens."

"You were pretty upset when she went back to her people, Garrett," said Roland.

"Of course I was," said Garrett. "Why does everyone think I'm completely denying ever having felt anything for her? But it was a lifetime ago. You remember - you guys bought me a pizza and I cheered up, and I've cheered up even more in the ten years since then."

"But she hasn't, huh?" Peter said sympathetically.

"Clearly not. Look, can we please change the subject now?" said Garrett. He started fumbling around in his pocket. "Look, here, take this - it's a birthday card for Jess."

"Oh, yeah, I've got one of those as well," said Kylie.

"Me too," said Roland.

Peter already had a birthday card for Jessica, which Janine had given to him on his way in. He was given three more, and then Roland asked how Jessica was planning to celebrate turning fifteen.

"She's having a party on Saturday night," said Peter. "Dana's not looking forward to it. After Oscar's fifteenth birthday party the whole house stank of puke, and then in the morning we found out we'd been sleeping on somebody's semen."

"Eww," said Garrett.

"Yeah, that's what I said. But quite frankly I don't care who has sex this time as long as it's not Jess. She won't, though - not at a supervised party in her own house."

"Do you think they would?" Roland asked carefully.

"Yes," Peter said baldly. "He's eighteen and she's… rebellious."

"Ah," said Roland.

"What?" Peter was suddenly alert, clearly poised to pounce with questions. "What makes you say that?"

"I only said 'Ah'."

"Yes - why?"

"Well," said Roland. "I suppose I should tell you, really. Something's been… bothering me. A-about Oz," he added timidly.

"Oh?" Peter said sharply.

"Well… you remember the first time we met him?"

"Yeah, so?"

"He came here and - "

"Told us a couple of crazy women were raising the dead, I know. So what?"

"So," said Roland, "he already knew them."

Peter blinked. "Knew who?"

"Those women. It was Wanda and Celine. You remember we told you about them?"

"He knew them?"

"They were his tenants."

"They were what?" yelled Peter. "Why the fuck didn't you tell me?"

Roland looked sheepish. "Didn't we?"

"OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T!"

"It's complicated," Kylie jumped in. "Their being Oz's tenants… that's all tied up with something else."

"Yeah, it's tied up with my daughter's boyfriend lying about having a couple of witches renting a room from him!"

"Wait a minute," Roland said soothingly. "You weren't there, Kylie, but the rest of us were. Now, did Oz actually say he didn't know them?"

"I certainly got that impression," said Garrett.

"Me too," Peter said sharply. "So why aren't we finding out why he made us believe he didn't know them? Kylie, you're not telling me something."

"It's private," Kylie said shortly.

"Not if - "

"Wait," Roland said tersely. "I don't believe Oz actually said he didn't know them - and anyway, even if he did say that, we couldn't prove it now. If we confront him about it, he'll just talk his way out of it. He'll say he didn't mean to give us that impression."

"Then we can take it to Jess," Peter said excitedly. "She was there too."

"But then she'll confront him with it," said Roland. "And he'll say the same to her."

Peter just stared at him for a moment - and then finally collapsed onto an armchair, apparently defeated.

"What is he doing with her?" he said quietly.

"And," said Kylie, "there's the fact he had Chita and Rose's missing doll. I'm sure he got that from Celine and/or Wanda. They… might have been able to use it themselves."

"What for?"

"That's private."

"It used to belong to Jessica," said Peter. "Oh, God. What am I going to do?"

They were all silent for a very long time. Peter was lamenting over Jessica, and Roland and Kylie were both thinking of her too; but Garrett's thoughts immediately wandered back to Stephie. Then, after a time, Egon Spengler came in.

"Egon" Peter said wearily. "You're lucky - you know that?"

"Oh?" said Egon.

"Your daughter's just like you. She won't even know boys exist until she's, like, thirty."

"Ah," Egon said. "She's still seeing Oz, then? Perhaps you ought to tell her not to."

"Oh, God, you're just like Dana," said Peter. "Why does nobody understand that trying to stop her will only make things worse?"

"Well there's no time to argue about it now," said Egon. "We just got a call."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Kylie, Roland, and Garrett responded to the call, leaving Peter and Egon to argue about parenting techniques if they wanted to. The job sounded like something that the three of them could handle; it was a well-to-do law firm being ravaged by creatures between two and three feet high. From the description of small, mischievous humanoids given over the phone, they didn't sound particularly deadly; but by the time the Ghostbusters arrived, quite a few lawyers lay groaning on their office floors and one was bleeding profusely from his left ear.

"What did it do to you?" Roland asked with concern.

"It bit me," the lawyer replied tersely. "There's at least three of them."

The first two were easy to find; they were in a large office, tearing up the contents of a filing cabinet. They looked exactly like miniature, extremely ugly humans - ugly as in crooked mouths, even more crooked noses, black and brown teeth and one eye bigger than the other. They spotted the Ghostbusters straightaway, and both began to lick their lips as they looked lustily at the new arrivals. Then suddenly one of the things leapt forward and attached itself to Garrett's face. Garrett cried out, and started trying to pull the thing away.

Roland stepped in first, and started tugging at the creature's hips, but in spite of its size it was too strong for him. Kylie came to help, and they each locked both hands onto one of the creature's arms, wincing to think of what all this was doing to Garrett's complexion. Finally, they managed to tear the thing away. It left four claw marks in each of Garrett's cheeks, and tooth marks on his nose.

"Ooh," Kylie winced. "Are you all right?"

"Just blast the damn things," Garrett said impatiently.

Once the excitement was over, trapping the two creatures was quick and simple. The three Ghostbusters then went out to the car to retrieve another trap. As they were re-entering the office building, Roland asked, "Any idea what they are?"

"Some kind of imp or sprite or something," said Kylie. "Could be goblins. They look about the right size, and they're ugly enough."

"What do they want?" asked Garrett.

"To horrifically injure people, I guess," said Kylie. "C'mon - trail leads this way."

The third and, hopefully, final maybe-goblin was in a small office, dismantling one of the computers. When the Ghostbusters found it, it was chewing on a small metal part, but it quickly decided it didn't like it and spat it out.

"This one thinks it's a gremlin," murmured Roland.

They managed to trap this one before it even spotted them. A quick search of the building then revealed that there were no more, so the three Ghostbusters were able to promise one of the injured lawyers an invoice and then go back to the Ecto-1. As soon as they were settled, Janine contacted them via the two-way radio.

"Bloomingdales," she said. "Sounds like more of the same."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

It was a busy day. After Bloomingdales there were goblins at McDonald's, and at somebody's two-bedroom apartment, and each time there were three. People weren't being killed - or not yet, at any rate - but they were being injured, and most of those injuries were very unpleasant. Then, just when he thought he could go home, Garrett was approached by Stephie again and made to listen to yet more of her troubles.

When he finally got home, Jo had just finished putting their young son Max to bed. The first thing she said when she saw Garrett was, "Don't go in - it took me ages to get him horizontal."

Garrett saw that their young dog Knicks - a hotchpotch of who knew how many breeds - was lying panting on the living room floor. Clearly he had been helping Jo in trying to tire Max out.

"There's no food in the apartment," Jo went on. "We'll order a pizza. What took you so long, anyway? Ooh - what happened to your face? That looks nasty."

"Goblins," said Garrett. "We had four separate calls."

"Yeah? Guess the pizza's on you, then."

"Jo," Garrett said tentatively. "Don't get mad."

She looked at him suspiciously. "Don't give me a reason to get mad."

"I met up with an old friend today," said Garrett, "and she kinda just got here and doesn't have anywhere to stay."

"So you offered her the couch?"

"Yeah."

"Well that's all right - I wouldn't want your friend to sleep on the streets."

"She's kind of an ex-girlfriend," said Garrett.

At that Jo laughed, and said, "Babe, what do you think I am? It doesn't bother me if she's your ex-girlfriend. You're not going to run off with her, are you?"

"No," said Garrett. "But you're not going to like her anyway."

"I might."

"I doubt it."

"Bring her in."

The arrival of the pizzas half an hour later was a welcome interruption. It was exactly as Garrett had expected. When he came back from making his exchange with the delivery boy, Stephie was still moaning and Jo was still clearly suppressing an urge to hit her.

"And he was so surprised when I said we had TV down there," Stephie was saying. "Like we're living in a time warp or something. We're not savages."

"That's what you said at the time, isn't it, Stephie?" Garrett said brightly.

"Y'know," said Jo, "Eduardo's a friend of mine."

"Poor you," said Stephie. "He's so prejudiced - but that doesn't make him exclusive, I guess. Everyone judges us. Did I tell you about how my father was blamed for - "

"Yes."

"Y'know, Stephie - Eddie's grown up a lot since then," said Garrett. "He's got kids now and everything."

"Kids? Really?" said Stephie. "I wanted to have kids, but I was so busy looking after my father, I just couldn't. I still could, but the men here are all so narrow-minded. Nobody'll want to get involved with me when they find out I'm a sub-dweller."

"Well," said Jo, "here's an idea. Don't tell them."

"Oh, I couldn't do that," said Stephie. "That would be such an insult to my people."

"Okay," said Jo, "well, another alternative might be to not make assumptions about how 'top-dwellers' are going to treat you based on a couple of things that one guy said to you more than ten - "

"Ooh, telephone," Garrett said brightly. "Can you get it, honey? I can't because I'm physically disabled."

He made her smile, at any rate. Jo went to the answer the phone, and came back moments later to let Garrett know that he had been called out again.

"I'm told Egon's on his way to pick you up," said Jo. "If that's all right with you."

"'Course it is," said Garrett, grateful for an excuse to get away.

Jo glared at him for a moment. Then she said, "Honey, can I see you in the kitchen for a minute, please?"

He followed her to the kitchen, knowing exactly what she was going to say. She said it: "You are not leaving me alone with her!"

"Yes I am," said Garrett.

"That's cruel."

"I knew you wouldn't like her."

"Then asking her to stay with us was a pretty shitty thing to do," retorted Jo. "She's a complete nightmare - all she does is whine! I'm disappointed in you, Garrett. I can't believe you went for her just because she's pretty."

"How do you know I went for her just because she's pretty?"

"Because what else could it be? Nothing about her is appealing."

"That's harsh," said Garrett. "I guess I felt like I needed to look after her, when she came to us more in need of help than your average customer. She was vulnerable."

"What," said Jo, "like I was when you met me?"

"Well," said Garrett, "Stephie didn't have two broken legs - but yeah, kinda."

"Where the hell does she get off calling herself Stephie, anyway? There's no ST in Persephonethius."

"Jo, honey, it's getting pretty late. If I were you I'd yawn ostentatiously and drop hints about wanting to go to bed."

"How long is she staying?"

"Oh, God, I don't know," Garrett sighed. "How easy do you suppose it is for an ex-mole person to get a job and a place to live in Manhattan?"

"I hate you, Garrett."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

When the Ecto-1 turned up, Egon was driving it - as Jo had promised - and his only passenger was Eduardo Rivera.

"Hold on a minute," said Garrett. "How come Ky and Roland get out of this?"

"Because Roland's busy," said Egon, "and Kylie persuaded Eduardo to come instead of her. I'm glad you could make it, Garrett - we need to know if this thing is the same as the other creatures you trapped today."

"We showed you a picture," Garrett said tartly.

"Would you rather not come?" asked Egon.

Garrett thought of Max and Knicks both asleep back in his apartment, unable to protect him from Stephie and Jo. "No, no - let's get on with it."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

This time, it was a warehouse. Demons were fond of those, it seemed. This one had attacked a young man working a late shift, who was now hunched over on his knees just inside the doorway and coughing up blood. His hand was clutched to his stomach; he couldn't speak, and refused to move.

"I'll call an ambulance," said Garrett.

"I'll do that," said Eduardo. "You go with Egon and do your identity parade."

Egon and Garrett gently persuaded the man to move aside, and then went into the warehouse. What they found was just… weird. And not very nice. The small humanoid creature was pressed up against the corner of a packing crate, and making love to it. Garrett had seen a lot of that behaviour from Knicks, before the vet had castrated him, but never from any kind of supernatural creature - and he never wanted to see it again. Against his better judgement, he said loudly, "That's completely disgusting!"

Of course, this caught the creature's attention. Egon acted quickly, catching it in a powerful proton stream, and Garrett threw down the trap.

"Well?" said Egon, once the creature was inside the trap. "Was it?"

"Was it what?" Garrett asked dazedly.

"The same thing as before."

"Oh, er… yeah, definitely."

"You're sure?"

"Yes."

"Right," said Egon. "That makes thirteen."

"Is that significant?" asked Garrett.

"It could be."

"What, like part of your 'something coming' significant?"

"Well," said Egon, "whilst I don't want to jump to conclusions, at the same time we can't rule anything out."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Roland was going out that night with his girlfriend, Grace Temple. He'd met her in July, and it was now the following April. He had thought it was going really well with her, but suddenly things were feeling a bit weird. He felt guilty about being so desperate to sleep with her, for one. He had also been feeling increasingly odd as Stephanie - Grace's successor in the heart of Spencer Daniels - progressed through her pregnancy. It was hard to tell why. Maybe he was getting broody - even jealous. Babies and pregnancies represented a lot of what Roland wanted out of life, both in the long- and the short-term, and once or twice he had caught himself wondering what a one-time racist gang member had done to deserve so many chances in life.

Before he went to pick Grace up, Roland made a split-second decision to call another woman. He was in his car, ready to start up the ignition, when suddenly he took out his cell phone and started trawling through the stored numbers until he found her.

"Sorry to call so late," he said.

"Must be important," Celine Beck remarked nonchalantly.

"Kind of," said Roland. "It's about Oz."

Celine had been tenant to Oz for a while, along with her lover, Wanda Kazinsky. Wanda was now languishing in a mental institution, probably plotting horrible revenges for all kinds of people, while Oz was keeping a lookout for potential new tenants but not going out of his way to find any. Celine, as far as Roland knew, was in New Jersey trying to make herself happy.

She couldn't help him with the question of whether Oz had pretended not to know her and Wanda, so Roland went straight to the issue of the doll. He asked her if she knew which doll he meant, and she didn't hesitate to answer in the affirmative, so he went on, "All the evidence suggests that Wanda stole it from Carl Rivera's house. Is that true?"

"Yes," said Celine.

"Why?"

"It was just something to do with the revenge on Eduardo."

"That's very vague," said Roland.

"Look," said Celine. "It's not worth you asking me any more. You obviously want me to tell you all kinds of terrible things about Oz, but I'm not going to. He was good to me and Wanda - I have a loyalty to him."

"So he did do something we should know about?"

"Who am I to decide what you should and shouldn't know about?"

"Celine, please…"

"Are you worried about that Jessica girl?"

Roland blinked. "He told you about her?"

"Because if that's what this is all about, you don't need to worry. Oz isn't going to deflower her any time soon."

"So if the doll thing was about your revenge," said Roland, "does that mean Oz knew what you and Wanda were up to?"

"I'm happy that you kept my number, Roland," said Celine. "I suppose I might be able to tell you something. Maybe you should come down here and see me, and we can come to some kind of… understanding."

Recognising that tone of voice, Roland ended the call immediately and threw the phone down as though it burned him. He'd been tempted by Celine before, but always managed to say no to her - and particularly after he found that she and her lover had one of his closest friends manacled to a basement wall. But that didn't mean he was completely past it - he didn't want to hear any more of that come hither stuff from her. He turned the ignition key and made his way to Grace.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"Spence must be getting pretty excited about the baby."

Even as he said it, Roland couldn't believe that the words were coming out of his mouth. How did they always end up going out to dinner and talking about Spence?

"I guess he must," said Grace. "I think he's nervous, though."

"What about Natalie - how's she?"

"Well… where she's concerned, I've got my fingers crossed it'll be a boy."

"Why? Would she get less jealous, or something?"

"I think so," said Grace. "And she'd never be able to play with a girl, if she's all dolls and tea parties like I suspect Stephanie's daughter would be."

"Do you wanna have more kids?" It just came out - he couldn't stop it.

Grace looked alarmed for a moment. Then she laughed, and said, "This is getting a bit intense, isn't it?"

Roland shrugged, trying to look casual. "I only wondered."

"I don't know."

Her answer kind of punched him in the stomach. It was better than a no, he supposed, but it wasn't the answer he'd been hoping for.

"Why wouldn't you?" he asked baldly.

Grace stared at him. "You can't ask me that!"

"I don't see why not. It sort of affects me, doesn't it?"

"Does it?" Grace said sharply. "So, like, if I say no you're going to stop seeing me? Am I just a uterus and a couple of ovaries to you?"

"Of course not," Roland said irritably.

"Have you made any other plans for my body that I should know about?"

"It's not a plan," said Roland. "But if you don't want to have more kids - "

"I didn't say that."

"Look… I do."

"Oh, right, I see," said Grace. "So when you asked me out, you were already thinking that far ahead? That's just… it's demoralising!"

"It's normal," said Roland. "When you start dating someone you always know on some level that you're ultimately heading towards marriage and parenthood."

"That's horrible!"

"No it isn't. Isn't that how it was for you and Spence?"

"No," said Grace. "And I didn't think it was like that for you either. You're not supposed to be heading towards marriage and kids from the outset. You go out, you maybe fall in love, and you decide on the way whether marriage and children is what's right for you."

"Well I'm sorry," said Roland, "but it's what I want. And if you don't then I'd rather you let me know."

"What, so you can dump me?"

He sighed. "Just so that I know."

"Well," Grace said tightly. "I am not going to decide right now, in the middle of having dinner, whether or not I want to have your children!"

She said it loudly enough to get a few stares. Then she got up and stormed out of the restaurant.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

The next morning, Roland arrived at the firehouse to an alarming scene. Garrett was there, politely ignoring it, which couldn't have been easy. Roland walked in just in time to see Eduardo stepping between Kylie and Peter, and saying to the latter, "Back off."

"All right," said Peter. "You tell me what it is you're keeping from me."

"We told you everything we know!" said Eduardo. "We told you about the manacles and his weird magic powers - how can we help it if that isn't enough to make her dump him?"

"If Eduardo or I knew anything else about Oz," Kylie said, through gritted teeth, "we would tell you."

Roland bit his lip, wondering whether or not he ought to tell Peter about last night's conversation with Celine. But what had he learnt? He suspected that Oz had maybe done something that at least one of them - probably Eduardo, maybe Jessica - wouldn't like, and the only way he could find out what it was would be to prostitute himself.

"Hey, Roland," said Garrett, beckoning him over. Roland went and sat near him. "Know of any jobs going where you don't need any qualifications or life experience?"

"Why?" asked Roland.

"Stephie."

"Oh yeah, of course."

"I have got to get rid of her!" said Garrett. "She's been there one night and my marriage is in tatters!"

"Oh come on," said Roland. "You're exaggerating."

"Well, Jo isn't happy with me. This morning Stephie was complaining about Knicks begging her for scraps at breakfast. Jo was furious."

"Well, you know how she loves her dog."

"I asked Peter if he'd, like, make up some pretend job for her with the Ghostbusters," said Garrett. "But he won't - he says he's not going to pay somebody to do a fake job. But what can she do? I mean, you can imagine the interview, can't you? 'So where have you been for the past twenty-nine years, anyway?' 'Oh, well, I've been living in this big hole in the ground eating rats.'"

"I'm sure they don't eat rats."

"Yeah? So then what do they eat down there?"

"Um…"

"It wouldn't be a problem if she just had some kind of work," said Garrett. "I mean, she could live in Oz's spare room, couldn't she?"

"Of course she could," said Roland, amazed he hadn't thought of that himself.

"But he won't take her if she can't pay rent."

"Well, I don't know. Oz seems… pleasant enough, most of the time. I think he might actually be a nice guy. If you talked to him, maybe you could come to an arrangement."

"Like what?"

"I don't know - you'll have to talk to him about it."

"Look," Eduardo's incensed tones cut across their conversation. "Just stay the hell away from her, okay?"

He was still addressing Peter, but this time got no reply. The older man just glared at them both for a few seconds, and then left with a distinct this-isn't-over aura about him.

"Hey." Apparently not satisfied with the amount of tension in the air already, Kylie nudged Eduardo enough to make him sway. "I don't need you to fight my battles for me. If I want him to leave me alone, I can tell him myself."

"But you didn't," said Eduardo. "And if he keeps chipping away at you like that…"

"What?"

"Nothing."

"You think I'm going to tell him, don't you? You don't trust me with - "

"I didn't say that!"

"Jesus," murmured Garrett, as Eduardo and Kylie continued to bicker. "And I get the distinct feeling Peter's marriage isn't exactly a bed of roses at the moment either. Please tell me you and Grace are okay, Roland."

Roland said nothing.

"Oh, Roland!"

"You know all relationships have their ups and downs," Roland said irritably.

"Yeah, but do they have to have their downs all at the same time?"

"At least Spence and Stephanie are doing all right - baby on the way and everything."

"Yeah," said Garrett, though he didn't sound convinced.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Days went by, and tensions mounted. Garrett had no idea how he was going to get Stephie out of his apartment; Spence grew more and more terrified of his unborn child; Roland and Grace apologised to each other, but clearly each of them still felt insecure over what their argument had revealed about the other.

Jessica came home late again on Friday night, and Dana grounded her. No one bothered telling Peter about it until early afternoon on Saturday. Jessica was up in her room, doing her homework, when she heard him yelling, "Why can't you understand that grounding someone like Jessica only MAKES THINGS WORSE!"

At that she threw down her pen, stormed out of her room, leant over the banister and yelled, "What do you mean, 'someone like Jessica'?"

Peter appeared in the kitchen doorway, looking frazzled, and said, "Oh, you know. Headstrong, independent…"

"You mean an obnoxious teenager who always does the opposite of what she's told on principle."

Peter frowned at her. "I know what I mean."

"Okay, so do you mean I'm ungrounded?"

"Well…"

"Dad, please," said Jessica, squashing down her fury for maximum puppy eyes effect. "I've been doing simultaneous equations for hours - I have got to get out of here!"

"All right," said Peter. "Just for an hour."

For the next thirty-odd seconds, it wasn't good. Dana came out of the kitchen and started screaming something at Peter about undermining her. Jessica fetched a jacket, and then Dana caught her by the wrist on her way to the front door. Jessica yelled like a five year old and gave the impression that the bones in her wrist could break at any moment with the pressure Dana was applying. Finally she kicked her mother in the shin extremely hard, and made good her escape.

Jessica walked down the street until she could no longer hear her parents yelling at each other. Then she took out her cell phone, and called Oz.

"I'm running away from home for a couple of hours," she said. "Will you meet me somewhere?"

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

He met her in Central Park, and listened attentively to her woes under the shade of a tall tree. Then, when at last she seemed to have finished, Oz said, "I'm so sorry to be the cause of ructions between you and your mother."

"It's not your fault," said Jessica. "It's hers."

"Is it? Entirely?"

"Yes."

"I think you must have lied to me about your curfew again," said Oz. "Midnight seemed reasonable for a fifteen year old on a Friday night, but maybe next time I should take it to mean eleven o'clock."

"Hey!" said Jessica, brightening suddenly. "Can I stay with you tonight? Make them think I really have run away?"

"Oh, Jessica," Oz said dramatically. "No."

"Just until this evening, then - long enough to make her worry. Then I can still have my party."

"Why would you want your mother to worry about you? If she thought you'd run away, or something had happened to you, can't you imagine what that would do to her? Whatever she's done, I don't think you believe she deserves that."

"She wouldn't worry that much," Jessica said sulkily. "She'd only think I was having sex with you."

"Well, that would hardly help the situation, would it?"

"If I tried telling her how much you don't even seem to want to," said Jessica, "she'd think I was making it up."

"Why assume that?" said Oz. "Maybe she'd be glad to hear it."

"She'd never believe it. You're an eighteen-year-old guy."

"And you're a fifteen-year-old girl. I hope she doesn't really think I would."

"Of course she does," said Jessica. "She at least thinks you want to. Shows what she knows, doesn't it?" she added bitterly.

"Oh, Jessica," said Oz. "This again?"

"Oz, we've been going out nearly five months, and you've kissed me twice."

"Really? Is that all?"

"There's got to be more to this than just talking about books."

"I can't, Jessica," said Oz. "It isn't appropriate."

"I don't mean I want to have actual sex!" Jessica said loudly. "I'm not asking you to break the law. Just… you know… we could fool around a little bit, couldn't we?"

"Jessica," said Oz. "You are too young to consent to any sexual activity."

She scowled. "Bullshit I am."

"You're younger than you know."

"I don't get it," said Jessica. "If you don't want me like that even a little bit, what the hell are you doing with me?"

"Angel," said Oz, brushing her hair away from her face, and smiling as her scowl deepened. "I haven't said I don't want you."

"But if you're not going to - "

He cut her off by kissing her. It went on for a few seconds, and then he pulled away.

"I hate it when guys do that," said Jessica.

"What, kiss you?"

"Cut me off in the middle of a sentence."

"I do apologise," said Oz. "But you could have stopped me."

"Ha, yeah, right," said Jessica. "That's probably all you're gonna give me for another two or three months."

"I enjoy your company," said Oz. "Why can't that be enough?"

"Actually," said Jessica, "I'm beginning to think maybe I should have sex soon. See, the Ghostbusters seem to think there's 'something coming', and I don't want to die a virgin."

"Something coming?" said Oz, looking concerned. "What?"

"How should I know?"

"Well, Jessica, I'm sure your father and his trusty companions can stop whatever it is that's threatening your young life. But just in case they can't, before you start trying to persuade me to take your virginity, I wish you'd make up with your mother."

"I can't," said Jessica.

"Why not?"

"I hate her."

"You don't mean that."

"Don't tell me what I do and don't mean!" snapped Jessica.

"I'm sorry," said Oz. "I didn't mean it like that. There's a thin line between love and hate, of course. I know you love her."

Jessica nodded slowly. "I do love her."

"But why hate her also?"

"It's not so much that I hate her," said Jessica. "It's just that I really resent her trying to run my life. I find it so hard to listen to her because I have no respect for her."

"None at all? Really?"

"Absolutely none. She could have done so much with her life, but instead she marries the first asshole that asks her and has a kid; then she gets another chance - you remember I told you she played for the LA Symphony - and what does she do? She marries again, has me and then brings us all to New York - away from her last chance of actually making something of herself - just because my dad tells her to! It's just so regressive!"

"She sacrificed a career for marriage and children," Oz said summarily.

"If I ever end up like her, I'll kill myself."

"That seems a little melodramatic."

"Stop criticising everything I say! I say what I want and I do what I want, and no man is ever going to stop me - you got that?"

"Loud and clear, my dear."

"She's just trying to turn me into another one of her," Jessica said vehemently. "All this no boyfriends, you're grounded, you have to get good grades and go to college…"

"Well," said Oz, "that would improve your career prospects."

"No," said Jessica, "it would improve my husband prospects."

"Do you really believe that's what she has planned for you?"

"Of course I do. Because wouldn't it sting if she saw her daughter do something with her life other than get married and squeeze out a couple of kids."

"Jessica," said Oz. "Please listen to me. If your mother wants to see you married to a good man whom you love, and for you and him to bring new life into the world, then it's only because she wants to see you happy. If she knows that you need something else - something you think of more than that - to make you happy, then that's what she wants for you. She can never resent you, Jessica. Your mother loves you, and your brother, more than you love her. A mother's love is the strongest there is. Surely you know that."

"Jesus Christ, Oz, you make me sound like such a bitch," muttered Jessica.

"You're just young and impetuous," said Oz. "You know all of that really, and I think that on how ever deep a level, you love her for it."

"I still wish she was handling all this differently."

"Of course you do. That's perfectly understandable."

"Oz," said Jessica. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"What happened to your mother?"

"Ah, of course," said Oz. "I can see how my impassioned speech would make you curious about that. It's tragic, I suppose, but not so much for me. I never knew her. She died giving birth to me."

"Oh my God, that's terrible - I'm so sorry!"

Oz shrugged. "You don't miss what you never had."

"I didn't think that happened anymore, with modern medicine and everything."

"Well," said Oz, "obviously I don't remember it, but I was told that the birth was rather medieval. She had me at home, with only an ill-equipped midwife to help her."

"And, um… what about your dad?"

Oz was silent for a moment. Then he smiled at her, and said, "Another day, querida. It is time now that you were going home."

He stood up, and then offered her his hands, but Jessica waved them off and got to her feet without his assistance. They then walked a few steps, but stopped when they felt the ground shaking. They looked at each other, unsure what to say. Then the ground shook again, a little more violently this time, and enough to send everyone in the vicinity tumbling to the ground.

"Okay, well, that couldn't have been an earthquake," said Jessica, scrambling to her feet.

Then there were screams, and a horde of running people appeared on the horizon. The ground continued to shake, and into view came what looked to be a particularly large stone giant. It was wielding an enormous club, and occasionally swinging at people with an expression of mild curiosity on its ugly face. As Oz and Jessica watched, somebody was hit with the club, and went flying a good two hundred yards or so. Jessica gave an involuntary gasp, and then whipped out her cell phone.

"What's that doing here?" Oz puzzled. "It's supposed to be somewhere in Scandinavia."

"Hi, Janine," Jessica said into her cell phone. "Have you had any calls about a, um…?"

"Mountain troll," said Oz.

"Mountain troll."

"Why?" asked Janine.

"Well," said Jessica, "I'm in Central Park, and there's one here."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

It was Eduardo, Roland, Garrett and Egon who responded to the call. Once they arrived in Central Park, the twenty-foot troll was not difficult to spot. Roland brought the Ecto-1 to a screeching halt as soon as he saw it. As the four Ghostbusters piled out of the car, Jessica ran into view looking breathless and alarmed.

"There you are!" she yelled. "What took you so long? This is a total nightmare! It's broken loads of people's arms and legs, and it ate somebody's dog!"

"Well thank goodness it didn't eat any people," said Egon, as the three younger Ghostbusters made their way towards the troll.

"It wanted to," said Jessica. "I started throwing rocks and stuff at it, so it started going for me, and then Oz distracted it and… I don't know, we seem to have managed."

"Oh, well done," said Egon.

"Well, you have to do what you can, don't you? Oh, hi," as Oz drew up beside her. "I did ask Oz if he could do anything about it, Egon, but apparently he doesn't have those kinds of magical powers."

"I'm sorry, Dr. Spengler," said Oz. "There's not much I can do against a mountain troll."

"I'm sure you did your best," said Egon. "Excuse me a minute, will you?"

He made his way towards the troll and the other three Ghostbusters, who had their proton streams wound around the monster's legs. It was struggling quite a lot, but - in spite of being made of something as everyday as stone - seemed unable to shake them off.

"Egon, is this gonna work?" Roland asked loudly. "It's made of stone."

Egon squinted at it. "I don't think that's ordinary stone. That substance is the entity - it's not masking anything else. Who's got the trap?"

"You!" Garrett said irritably.

"Oh," said Egon, "so I have."

He threw down the ghost trap and, though it was a struggle to start off with, the troll was dragged laboriously inside without any real problems.

"Well," said Garrett, "that wasn't too hard."

"Thank goodness no one's dead," remarked Egon. "That could have been nasty."

"Had someone better call an ambulance or two?" asked Roland, but even as he spoke two such items appeared.

"Jessica probably did that," said Egon. "It sounds like she coped very well."

"What did she do?" asked Eduardo, as they started making their way back towards Jessica, Oz and the Ecto-1.

"She threw stuff at it," said Egon.

Eduardo nodded. "That's probably what I would have done. Hey - I don't suppose that was the something coming, was it?"

"Definitely not," said Egon, frowning down at his PKE meter. "There is something very big indeed trying to make its way to us, but it doesn't seem to have made much progress yet - it's still too far away for me to be able to figure out what it is."

When they reached Jessica, she was putting away her cell phone. As soon as he was within earshot she said to Egon, "That was my dad. Janine called him about the troll, and he got worried and called me, and now he's gone to the firehouse and he wants you to take me there. Oh, good, my ambulances finally got here. Will you?"

"Of course," said Egon. "Get in. Oz, do you need a ride anywhere?"

"Oh no thank you, I'm quite capable of walking," Oz said pleasantly.

"Oz," said Jessica, who was already halfway into the car. "Don't be late tonight. I need you to help me with my cocktail wieners."

"Oh, hey, Oz," Garrett said suddenly. "How much is that spare room going for?"

"Well," said Oz, "I was charging Celine and Wanda eight hundred dollars a month."

"That's not much," Garrett said, sounding pleasantly surprised.

"Yes, well, it isn't a very good neighbourhood - and besides, they were poor."

"Yeah, well… it's still more than my friend can afford."

"Perhaps we can haggle."

"I doubt it," said Garrett. "She's unemployed."

"Oh," said Oz. "Well, I can hold the room for her until she finds work, if you like."

Garrett smiled weakly. "Thanks."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"Hey." Kylie, reading up on goblins and mountain trolls in the firehouse kitchen later that afternoon, beckoned Eduardo over when he happened to enter the room. "Do you remember that fight we had about Peter and everything?"

"Yeah," said Eduardo.

"Did we ever make up properly?"

"What - properly, like, saying sorry and then having wild sex?"

"I guess."

"No."

Kylie laughed. "Well, we'd better do that later, then."

"Cool," said Eduardo. "Any special reason?"

"Yes." She turned the heavy hardback she was reading round on the table, and thrust it towards him. "Take a look at that. In some legends huge malevolent flesh-eating trolls, like the kind you guys dealt with earlier, are said to be misunderstood. Their reputation is founded on human weaknesses such as greed, stupidity and pride."

"But Ky," said Eduardo, "that troll was pretty mean - we told you."

"Yeah, I know, I admit it sounds bad," said Kylie. "I'm not saying it doesn't deserve a bloodthirsty reputation - but we have to think about the bigger picture here. Maybe that was, like, a symbolic troll."

"What?"

"Egon keeps telling us that something's coming, right? Well, maybe that was part of it. Maybe that troll and the goblins were just harbingers for something bigger. Look." She thrust another book at him. "This legend says that goblins are the malevolent aspect of elves and fairies once their anger is roused. According to this, a goblin is a mischievous sprite that's become disfigured by rage, if it's crossed by a mortal."

"Okay," said Eduardo, "so what does that have to do with the troll?"

"Well, what one thing do these legends have in common?"

"I feel like I'm in school."

"Human failings!" Kylie said impatiently. "I think someone or something is mad at us."

"What, you and me?"

"The human race in general. I mean, look at what's been going on. Jessica's been bickering with her mom, and Peter's been getting at Dana about that, and then he's getting at me about the whole Oz thing, and then that made you blow up at him, and then you and I fought about that, and meanwhile Garrett's got Stephie living in his house causing all kinds of problems, and we're just one insignificant little group of people!"

Eduardo raised his eyebrows. "That's why you wanna patch things up with me?"

"Well," said Kylie, "it seems as good a reason as any."

"It sounds a bit like the slime thing to me - we need to get the mayor to go on TV and tell everyone they have to be nice to each other."

"If I'm right," said Kylie, "that may help, if it were possible, but it's not really like the slime thing. It's… it's something conscious - like a demon or something. And we can probably expect at least one more harbinger before we see it - or maybe two or five."

"Yeah?" said Eduardo. "And what'll they be?"

"It's impossible to say."

"Okay, listen," said Eduardo. "I'm sorry about getting all overprotective about Peter - I know you hate that. But it's not just because I love you and everything."

"No?"

"No. It's because I want him off our backs - I don't like him asking questions."

"Oh," said Kylie, "so it is because you don't trust me not to blab."

"It's not that I don't trust you," said Eduardo.

"So what is it?"

He looked uncomfortable. "How long before we get to the wild sex part?"

Kylie relaxed her expression, and patted him on the arm. "Sorry, babe - you'll have to wait 'til we get home and the girls are asleep. Hey… I'm sorry I overreacted about it all."

"Don't sweat it."

They kissed briefly, and then Kylie caught sight of Peter wandering about in the next room. She pushed Eduardo away from her and called, "Hey, Peter!"

Peter came into the room and looked expectantly at her.

"I promise you," Kylie said earnestly, "that if I or Eduardo knew anything at all about Oz that we thought you should know about, we would tell you. You have to believe that."

"I do believe that," said Peter. "I just…" He looked furtively over his shoulder, and then ventured further into the room, where he began to talk in whispers. Presumably, he was worried about Jessica overhearing. "I just don't think you're telling me everything, and I don't see how you can be so sure you haven't missed something. I mean… how do you know his father had magic manacles in his basement?"

"We were reasonably well acquainted with his tenants," said Kylie.

"So you were," said Peter. "It's the doll thing that really bothers me. Why would this Wanda person steal your kids' doll and give it to Oz?"

"She may not have actually given it to him," said Eduardo. "Maybe he just… found it."

"But what would she want with it?"

"What would he want with it?"

"It belonged to my daughter!"

"So what? Now it belongs to mine!"

"Stop bickering!" yelled Kylie. "Look… we can find out about the doll. But in the meantime, Peter, let me tell you my theory about the goblins and the troll."

"Will it take long?" asked Peter, looking anxiously at his watch. "Only Jess wants me to take her home for her birthday party."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

While Oz and Peter (Jessica was mysteriously absent from the kitchen) were pushing cocktail sticks into small sausages, Garrett and Spence were finishing up at the gym by consuming half of what remained in the cafeteria at the end of the day. They were old friends, and it was at times like this that Garrett was happy to have Spence back. Even if any of his newer friends had wanted to go to the gym with him, they probably wouldn't have made it much fun. But then again, Spence wasn't being much fun at the moment.

"We have to go home," Garrett said eventually.

"Yeah," said Spence.

Neither of them moved.

"I have no sympathy for you," said Garrett. "You've got a woman that you love and she's pregnant with your child and that's, that's pretty good, really, isn't it?"

"Yeah," said Spence.

"Go home!"

"Yeah."

Garrett sighed heavily. "You're being ridiculous."

"What if it happens again?"

"Why would it?" said Garrett. "Look… what exactly did happen the last time?"

"Well," said Spence. "I… got scared."

"Yeah, and…?"

"So I kind of… avoided Grace and… stayed out late and… didn't give her the support she needed, so she… stopped loving me and kicked me out of our house."

Garrett gave him a withering look. "Spence…"

"All right, all right, I'll go home," said Spence. "And you'd better go home too."

"What's worse?" Garrett said dryly. "Leaving her alone when she could go into labour at any moment, or leaving her alone with a three year old and an energetic dog and a woman she can't stand who you've insisted be allowed to sleep on your couch?"

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

When Garrett got home, however, he found neither the three year old, nor the energetic dog, nor the woman his wife couldn't stand. Rather he found Jo drinking coffee with a heavily pregnant and damp-eyed Stephanie McBride.

"Oh, hi Stephanie," Garrett said awkwardly.

Stephanie sniffed, and said morosely, "Hey."

"Hi, Jo," said Garrett, even more awkwardly.

Jo narrowed her eyes on him, and said maliciously, "Hi."

"Where's, um… Max and Knicks… and, and Stephie?"

"They went for a walk," said Jo.

"What, all three of them?"

"Yes. I made her take them out when Stephanie came over. She was upset."

"Oh," Garrett said sympathetically. "Why?"

"Spence is being useless," said Stephanie.

"I don't suppose he was with you, was he?" asked Jo.

"Er, yeah," said Garrett. "Yeah, he was. He's gone home now, Steph."

"Right." Stephanie nodded approvingly. "Good."

"Steph, listen, he's just… he's very nervous about the baby," said Garrett.

"Yeah?" said Stephanie. "Well I'm days away from giving birth to my first child! How does he think I feel?"

"Okay," said Garrett, "that's a good point."

"Grace said he was like this when she was pregnant with Nat," said Stephanie.

Garrett tried to hold back a pained expression. "Did she?"

"Yeah, well… I don't suppose he means anything by it."

"Of course he doesn't," Jo said bracingly. "But you know what men are like." At this, she shot a malevolent look at Garrett. "Come on, Steph - I'd better drive you home, as Spence is going to be there. Garrett, wash these mugs out, will you?"

"Sure," said Garrett, as Jo got quickly to her feet and then hovered around waiting for Stephanie to haul herself up.

"And while you're doing that," said Jo, "you can think of a way to get that fucking stupid woman out of my apartment."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"See that?" Jessica pointed through the throng of dancing teenagers, at a skinny long-haired blonde in a miniskirt and a dark-haired boy who were locked in a passionate embrace. "That's what you're supposed to do to your girlfriend at a party."

"One-track mind, hasn't she?" said Charlene Zeddemore, a girl whom Jessica had years ago been forced to make friends with, as they both had Ghostbuster fathers.

"She certainly has," said Oz. "Honestly, Jessica, this is all fascinating to watch - I'd rather keep my eyes open. I… think somebody should give that girl something to eat."

"Oh, don't - I think she's bulimic or something," said Jessica. "She goes to extremes to be skinny and then complains about her small boobs - is that dumb or what?"

"Well that's because of media representations of female beauty. Models and pop stars and such have liposuction and silicone implants and make people believe that not only is theirs a perfect body, but also attainable without surgery."

"Yeah," said Jessica, "but she doesn't have to fall for it, though, does she? You don't have to be a complete retard about it just because you're a girl. Charlene isn't."

"Some of us are just naturally exquisite," Charlene said dryly.

"And nor am I."

"Well," said Oz, "not everyone has your intelligence, confidence and utter disdain for most things. Oh, look, she and her friend are coming to wish you a happy birthday."

"I doubt it," said Jessica, as the young couple approached. "Hi Ant, hi Amber. Are you enjoying the party?"

Ant opened his mouth, but before he had a chance to speak Amber said loudly, "It's not the best party I've ever been to, but it's not the worst either. Hi." She turned a dazzling smile onto Oz. "I'm Amber Lightfoot. I go to school with Jessica."

"Charmed," said Oz, offering his hand, which Amber gladly took. "And your friend?"

"Who?" Amber looked blank for a moment. "Oh! Yeah, this is Ant Hill, my boyfriend."

"Laugh if you want to," said Ant. "It stops being funny after a while."

"Oz doesn't laugh," said Jessica.

"O-Ozzzz," Amber said slowly, drawing the name out for as long as possible. "Nice name. So, like, how do you know Venkman?"

"I'm going out with her," said Oz.

"Oh!" Amber would probably have looked less surprised if he'd said that he was Jessica's plastic surgeon. "Why?"

"Because I find her to be scintillating company."

"Ah-ha. Jessica, let's go powder our noses, shall we?"

"What?"

"Come on."

Before she knew what was happening Jessica felt Amber's slender fingers closing around her wrist, and she was being dragged towards the kitchen.

"Okay," said Amber, folding her arms and leaning back against the fridge in a way that seemed to say, I'm not going anywhere until you tell me. "Seriously. How did you manage to snag a hottie like that?"

"Honestly?" said Jessica. "I don't know."

"Oh come on. You must have, like, a doll you made with strands of both your hair in it or something."

"A what?"

"It's a spell, duh. Don't you ever read Meg Cabot?"

"Once," said Jessica, "and I found it vacuous and uninteresting. I haven't cast any kind of spell on him, Amber. What do you think I am?"

"There's something fishy about you and your boyfriends," said Amber. "That Cameron guy was way out of your league too. What ever happened to him, anyway?"

"He went to Omaha," said Jessica. "And he wasn't that hot."

"He was hotter than you."

"Amber, why do you care? You're happy with Ant, aren't you? You've been going out with him for like, two and a half years."

Amber shrugged. "Ant's cute. He's so immature, though."

"Well of course he is. He's a boy."

"Whereas your boyfriend is a man. Hey… are you…?"

"What?"

"You know." Amber dropped her voice to a conspiratorial whisper, and said, "Doing it."

"Oh," said Jessica. "No."

"Good," said Amber. "If you lost your virginity before me, that would be, like, so wrong. So, like… is Oscar not coming tonight?"

"No, Oscar's in San Francisco doing a concert."

"Oh yeah, I read about that. I guess he sent you a pretty cool present, though, huh?"

"He did, as it happens."

"How much money does he have?"

"Amber!"

"What? He must have put away a nice little nest egg by now. I read magazines - they all want a piece of him. I wish I had a brother like that - front page news all the time."

"Hardly front page," said Jessica.

"Oh yeah?" said Amber. "Don't you ever read Seventeen?"

"Uh… maybe in two years?"

"Oh, shut up - no one who's actually seventeen reads Seventeen. But anyway, there was this reader survey last month, and your brother was voted hottest new ass on the music scene. Well… new butt, it was, actually. They're not allowed to print 'ass'."

"His ass is irrelevant," Jessica said icily. "Mood Slime are all about the music."

"Ha, yeah, whatever. Ah, jeez, Venkman." Amber suddenly screwed up her face, and clutched at the side of her head. "What did you put in that punch?"

"I told you when you asked me how many calories it had per cup. Why, what's wrong?"

"I've suddenly got this really annoying headache."

"Yeah," said Jessica, unable to help looking at Amber's pretty little mouth. "Me too."

"Ahh… I think I'm gonna be sick."

No sooner had she said this than Amber ran over to the sink and was violently sick into it. Fortunately, there were no dishes in it.

"Do you need to go home?" asked Jessica, at last beginning to feel somewhat concerned.

"No, no," said Amber. "I need to go to the bathroom. Jesus, my head…"

She staggered out of the room, clutching the side of her head and leaving a sizeable portion of vomit in the sink. Jessica went and turned on the tap in a businesslike manner, filled a cup and threw the water around the sink without looking. But eventually she had to look, to get rid of the last few traces of puke, and then finally she made her way back to the party. She started going over to Ant, who was still in conversation with Oz (which was hard to imagine, given their vastly differing degrees of intelligence and maturity) and Charlene, but Dana intercepted her.

"Jess," she said. "What's wrong with Amber?"

"I don't know - she seems really sick," said Jessica. "She just threw up in the sink. I think maybe we ought to call her mom to pick her up."

Dana was about to go and do just that when a piercing scream suddenly sounded from upstairs. Jessica responded to it immediately, followed closely by Peter, Dana and Ant, while Oz and Charlene made their way up the stairs at a more leisurely pace. By the time they reached the gathering on the landing, Jessica was banging on the bathroom door and shouting, "Amber! What the hell is going on in there?"

The only sound that came back to her was a pathetic whimper.

"Oh my God, what the hell is wrong with her?" wailed Ant.

Jessica looked about to start yelling some more, but Charlene put a restraining hand on her arm and said gently, "Amber, are you… okay?"

"No!" wailed Amber.

"But you're not, like, being attacked or anything?"

"No."

"So why did you scream?" Jessica asked irritably.

"Because…" snivelled Amber. "Because…"

"Amber, honey," Dana said gently. "You're going to have to let somebody come in and help you. You can't stay in there forever."

"Amber, let me in!" Ant said desperately.

"NO!" she shrieked. "You can't see me like this, Ant!"

"Why not?"

"You'll dump me!"

"No way!" Ant said gallantly.

"Amber," Jessica said tentatively. "Is this genuinely serious? You haven't, like, found a zit or an extra half-inch of fat or something?"

"A zit!" Amber laughed maniacally. Then she started sobbing with renewed vigour, and said, "All right… all right, Jessica, you can come in. But you're gonna freak out."

Jessica shot Ant, Charlene, Oz and her parents a what-the-hell kind of look as Amber unlocked the door and pulled it open a small way, giving her confidante about a third of the space she would need to get through. Jessica widened the gap a little, went inside closing the door behind her, and could immediately be heard to cry out, "Whoa my God!"

"What am I gonna do?" wailed Amber.

"And to think you were blaming my dad's punch!"

"JESSICA!"

"All right, all right." The door inched open again, and Jessica's face appeared wearing a strained expression. "Dad… I think we're gonna need some Ghostbusters in here."

To be continued…