I don't know what it was, but whenever I went out I had a smoke before I went.
All the guys were different. Some lay on their cots and deafened themselves with their c.d. players, others called home and spoke to the wife and kids. While a few would read a book or magazine, a couple would nap, some played with their guns.
I enjoyed a hand-rolled cigar and thought shit over. Not my mission, but other shit, simple stupid shit.
This time was no different.
I found a empty place on the side of the hanger and took a seat on the ground, I took a cigar from my vest pocket, lit it, and enjoyed the tobacco.
This would be the only time I smoked, on any other occasion I couldn't stand the smell of cigars or cigarettes.
After a couple drags my mind was less jumbled.
I closed my eyes and felt the sun on my face.
It was the same sun as at home that momma saw but different here, I could hear her voice and see her smile if I closed my eyes, even though it'd been weeks since I spoke to her. I made sure I called twice a month just to check in. But she was busy with grandkids and her new man, the barber of all people. The thought of that man touching her made me ill.
I could remember when I grew up, her having to work two jobs and the weekends but she still found time to bring my brother and I to church on Sunday. Even when she won the Lotto, Momma still worked but only five days a week. She bought a small house for us and put the rest of the money away.
We never had a dad and never wanted one.
I took a drag from my cigar and thought of other things, happier things.
Things that were back in the United States, working on base at a hospital, staying in a small apartment while I was over here. Never before had I ever regretted enlisting out of high school, but every now and then I'd see a married couple that were just so perfectly happy it made me sick. Then I get to thinking and realize I'd be married to some country girl with eight kids and I'd be working at the food store, I wouldn't have met her if I wasn't enlisted.
Even seated here half a world away, I knew I'd marry her, there was no question in my mind.
I opened my eyes and looked at the cigar.
If I thought about it I could see her eyes, green, just like the crystal blue/green waters here. Her smile, it was all so clear, as if I had seen her earlier in the day.
I suppose I'd have to tell her father before I married her, he'd probably want to know about the wedding. There was no other way to describe her but perfect. She was wonderful. And here I was while she was an entire ocean away. He knew how perfect and beautiful his daughter was, any man could see.
Someone came out and took a seat on a crate close by, I looked over and saw a young Ranger. I'd seen the kid around the base now and then. He was a sergeant. From what I had seen he wasn't half bad.
I took another drag off my cigar and looked back at the desert out yonder.
If I thought really hard I could remember her voice.
The kid seemed to have a lot on his mind too. It'd get him killed if he worried too much.
He had more men to worry about, he hadn't spent enough time to get to know each of them, he didn't know each mans personality or how each would react to everything that could happen. But he was still young, he'd learn. He just had to calm down. A kid could see the nerves.
He looked over at me nervously, then at his hands. As if her wanted to say something but didn't have an idea.
I took drew on my cigar.
He watched me, "You know its kind of funny. Beautiful beach. Beautiful sun. It could almost be a good place to visit."
One could hear the unease in his voice.
Damn, it figured he'd come out here and want to talk. Of everyone on the base he could talk to, but here he was. "Almost," I replied.
He fell silent for a moment, unsure of what to say next, he glanced down then back at me. "You don't think we should be here?"
The mother of all stupid questions, asking a soldier what he thought of war or whatever, no good came from that question. But he was young, so I humored him, "You know what I think? It don't really matter what I think, once that first bullet goes past your head politics and all that other shit goes right out the window."
Whether my answer helped or not I wasn't sure, but I wasn't about to get all maternal on him.
"I just want to do it right today," he confessed.
Well that I understood, I could relate to that feelin of hopelessness, feeling unable to control your own fate, sick to your stomach, unsure. It was all-familiar to me.
"Just watch your corner and get all your men back here alive," I answered.
The two of us sat there in silence for a while until my cigar was gone.