Spoilers: Prodigal S5
Disclaimers: I make no profit of any kind from this fic, please no suey!
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The Athosian tent was packed full, the air filled with the thick scent of the afternoon tea and the long burning fire. Teyla readjusted Torren on her lap, his little hands tapping against the fat edge of the hand carved table around which her people sat and stood. Everyone was talking, the conversation mixed and loud, but neither she or Torren minded. It had been too long since all of her people gathered. All that remained of her people that was. Those that had survived Michael's imprisonment and or experiments had found new homes with various trading friends. Most were too nervous to return to New Athos; the memories of their capture and the loss of so many of their people to Michael's painful experiments too much. Groups of the survivors had found homes with friends on other worlds, whilst others headed off quietly by themselves to recover privately from the ordeal. Now however the news had been spread that Michael was gone forever and the last of their people altered into Hybrids had been returned to them. And so this gathering had been arranged. All those that had found homes elsewhere had turned up and all together they had spent the day on New Athos remembering what they had lost, sharing the rituals that had existed for their people for as long as the eldest memory. Now they were gathered together in the largest tent, surrounded by family and long held friends.
Torren was one of only three young children left to the Athosians, but, as Teyla had discovered today, at least four more would arrive in the next few months. She looked around at the familiar sights and sounds of her people; the colours of their clothing, the laughter in their voices and the smell of home cooking. She rocked Torren gently in her arms as she inhaled it all, pulled it all into her being and let her mind wander back to her childhood. She closed her eyes and remembered her mother's singing as she worked, her father's strong voice and the warmth of the tent in which she had grown up. She missed it all, the pain strong in her chest and the knowledge that her people had been scattered across the stars from fear and pain only made the ache deeper.
She opened her eyes and rested her lips against the top of Torren's head. She watched his tiny hands gripping the wooden table and she remembered watching Halling's father carve the table and present it to his friends and family. He had been as tall as his son and quietly gentle. He had been a master craftsman of anything he had put his mind to and had instructed her and many others in creating what they needed from wood, fabric or clay. Every time Teyla created something with her own hands she remembered Halling's father. As she inhaled the unique smell of her own son she wondered what life Torren would lead. Now Michael was dead she had felt happy taking Torren off world to visit her people. She hated the thought that her son would grow up without experiencing his Athosian heritage. Her life back on Atlantis was far removed from the thick warmth of a tent surrounded by family and old friends. She had made an effort to keep as much of her Athosian life with her on Atlantis and that desire had only growth with Torren's arrival; he needed to know where he came from and the strong traditions of their people.
Halling tapped a mug against the tabletop drawing everyone's attention. Torren giggled at the noise. The conversation died away around the table and those standing around the tent gathered tighter around the table. Teyla was aware of Kanaan stepping close behind her and she smiled up at him. She could see the clear pleasure in his eyes at being back among their people.
"It has been a good day." Halling began. Everyone nodded but did not interrupt. "It has warmed my heart to breaking to see you all here, to feel our people's spirit once again healing." His deep voice resonated around them all and Teyla felt Torren's intense fascination with the deep male voice. Teyla watched the smile drop slightly from Halling's face. "It has been difficult for us all for some time." The silence grew deeper around them all. "Like leaves falling from a tree we have been scattered. We were driven away from our home for the second time and the memories of what has been lost have been so strong as to almost blind us. Yet," he paused looking over at Teyla. "Finally there has been good news. Michael is vanquished and the last of our lost have been returned to us."
Teyla looked away from Halling to look at the several she could see from her viewpoint that were the last of the Hybrids to be returned to full health thanks to Atlantis' medical assistance. They appeared solemn and quiet, but she knew that like the others they would become strong and confident again. As Kanaan had done.
"Which means that we are finally able to let go of our past, to remember those lost, heal those that remain and bless those that have arrived." Halling continued, his eyes on Torren and then another young child. "And so we have a new beginning to consider. I for one would like to live out my days in a secure happy home, not hiding away in fear that another Michael may find me. We have never bowed to the Wraith or any other evil that has tried to kill our spirit." Murmurings of support danced around the tent. "So, I would like to suggest that once again we gather together, to rebuild our people. I understand that New Athos is a place of dark memories and fear, however one of our oldest trading partners has offered us a large area of their home world. They took heavy losses during the Replicator/Wraith war and now have space and a need for new people, for new blood." Teyla had known about the offer before now, but now hearing Halling speak it out loud made her feel different about it. Her people could really have a new start. "We would like to offer any of you who would like to accompany us there to join us. We hope to rebuild what we lost and to grow again into a new stronger people along with our friends."
Halling's voice died away and Teyla could feel the surprise, the consideration and the hope in her people around her. Voices started up again and she heard that the hope and joy were the strongest emotions around her. Her people were hardy and strong willed; they could start again and were always willing to face new challenges. She only prayed that this time they would be allowed to gain the rewards for such strength of character.
Kanaan's hand landed gently on her shoulder, drawing her attention up to him. He nodded away to show he was heading away to talk to someone and she nodded. As he moved away back towards their friends she wondered suddenly whether he wanted to join the new camp that would be established. She had made her decision to stay on Atlantis, but Kanaan's choice had been far less open. If he wanted to care for their son full time he had to remain on Atlantis, because she was there. Before, with Michael's threat, there had been no question, but now things had changed. Torren was older now and she had changed. She had made sure Michael would never again threaten her family, her people or the galaxy. At night she still relived that moment.
Halling sat down beside her, drawing her attention. Halling looked from Kanaan to her and smiled. She smiled in reply and Halling looked down as he caught one of Torren's hands in his massive one. "It is such a pleasure to see Torren, Teyla." Halling said softly. He had only seen Torren twice before, so nervous had she been to take her child off world. She lifted Torren and handed him over to Halling with a knowing smile. Torren had enjoyed Halling's cuddles most of all today and her son giggled in delight at him now.
Halling bounced the boy in his arms which created more giggles and then he looked up at her. "I will not ask if you will join us, Teyla, for I know your heart belongs in Atlantis." The certainty and sadness in his voice made her wince inside.
She reached out and tickled one of Torren's bare feet. "There is still much work to be done, Halling." She replied.
"I understand. We all understand." Halling replied. She knew what he wanted to say and she suddenly resented his silent question.
"You wish I would live back with our people with Torren and Kanaan." She stated for him.
He smiled grimly at her. "You must forgive me, Teyla. I simply miss my friends." She returned his smile before he looked back down at Torren. "It is just that you have more to live for now. For your son and for Kanaan."
Teyla reached for her tea, unwilling to look at Halling then. She wondered if he would say the same if he knew that she and Kanaan had not shared a bed since he had been taken by Michael. "I have much to offer Atlantis. That has not changed with Michael's death." She replied, looking back at her friend.
"It is of course your decision, Teyla. We all respect that. I only worry that we will not see you, or Torren, for a long time. This is a new and vital time for our people. You could help Atlantis still, but live with us." He suggested.
The thought made her chest ache tightly. The idea of leaving Atlantis and the family and friends she had there was oddly confusing and painful.
"It is a new beginning for our people, for us all. I walked the Questioning Way." Halling said softly.
Teyla looked up and smiled at him. "You did?"
He nodded. "It has helped me release what still angered me from Michael's treatment of our people and I made my decision to no longer hide away. The Athosians must not be lost quietly into scattered worlds."
Teyla looked down at her son still captivated as he was with the buckles on Halling's new warm coat. "I have considered many times walking the Questioning Way." She replied. "Only the Wraith's presence has stopped me."
"Many others have been walking that path and none have been lost to the Wraith. I understood their small base to be on the far side of the planet?"
"Yes, the next planet in that system has an orbiting gate which they prefer to use and the planet's moons appear to be bases as well." Teyla replied.
"The Ancestors keep the Way safe for us still." Halling replied.
That Teyla doubted his words was another sign to herself how she had changed over the past years. She did not doubt the Ancestors' power, but she did doubt their attention for the humans throughout her home galaxy. Living and working in Atlantis had opened her eyes to many things and had scared her in many other ways. Would she have killed Michael five years ago? Would she have survived long enough to? There were many questions in her mind, too many over many subjects. Perhaps it was time she walked the Questioning Way.
"You are always welcome back with us, you know that Teyla." Halling murmured. She saw the compassion in his eyes and perhaps worry as well.
She reached out and squeezed her friend's arm. "Do not fear Halling. Even if I remain on Atlantis I will visit so often that you would wish I would leave." He laughed lightly, though neither believed her words. "I want nothing more than for my son to know our people."
Halling looked at her intently. "The question now is perhaps what it is that you want, Teyla. What you want to know. That is the importance and power of the Questioning Way." She nodded and turned her eyes from his.
-----
They walked quietly down the empty bare corridors of Atlantis. The contrast to the living warmth and laughter that they had left back in Halling's tent to this was not lost on Teyla. Torren slept happily in Kanaan's arms as they arrived at her quarters. She activated the door and walked into the quiet cool room. She began to light her candles around the room and set some incense burning; wanting the Athosian smell to continue with her.
Kanaan stood over the crib and spoke softly to his stirring son. Teyla watched them in silence. In their Athosian clothes standing over the Athosian crib she could almost believe they were back with her people. She tried to picture them living in a tent once again. She would be a leader of her people again, as well as a mother and a warrior part of the time. She could visit Atlantis as much as we wanted she was sure; perhaps help out with negotiations and trades. The idea was dismissed as quickly as it arrived; she could not leave Atlantis. Her future, her destiny, was tied to this place she was sure. Yet, was her son's? More questions.
"I am going to walk the Questioning Way." She said softly as she approached Kanaan and their son.
Kanaan looked up with a surprised look, but she saw the smile there; he wasn't too surprised, or was he just pleased? He nodded silently. He was a quiet, kind man whose wise advice she had needed many times over the years.
"You are not surprised?" She asked.
He looked back down at their son. "I have expected you to walk the Questioning Way many times over the years." He looked back at her with a light smile. "What surprises me is why it has taken you this long."
It was a good question. "It has not been the right time." Was the only answer she could come up with. Another question to ask during the ritual; perhaps she should note them down, there seemed so many.
"What has changed now that it is time?" He asked, his eyes soft and curious in the candlelight. She studied his handsome face as she thought.
"Halling said that our people have a new beginning." She looked down at Torren. "With Michael's death much has changed." She admitted. "Now he has gone I realise how frightened I have been for Torren. I have kept him, and you, here to protect him." She looked back up at Kanaan's dark eyes. "Perhaps it is time for me to consider a new beginning for myself."
She was a sparkle to Kanaan's eyes that made her suddenly uncomfortable. He looked away. "Torren will know our people whether or not he lives with them every day." He added.
"Do you wish to live with them every day?" She asked him plainly.
He kept his eyes on Torren as he laid the boy down into the crib. She waited for him to arrange the blankets and stand back up to face her. "I will be happy to be near my son, and you." He replied.
She had to look back down at Torren. She cared for Kanaan so much. He was the father of her child and they had spent many happy months together as a couple before his abduction by Michael. They had been friends since they were young and she cared for him deeply. In her mind she tried to envision them living together with their people, raising their son. Her son deserved to have this loving father around him. Did she not deserve someone to love and care for her as well? She had been denying Kanaan that role in regards to her since Torren's birth. At first she had thought it had been due to having Torren to care for and Kanaan had still been recovering from Michael's experiment. But, even once life settled into a nice gentle enough pace with Torren she found herself keeping Kanaan at a distance. She could not remember the last time she had kissed him, though they shared most days together caring for their son. Perhaps she kept him away because of the same reasons as she did returning to her people; to make that change would mean the end of the life she had here on Atlantis.
"There are many questions I have to ask myself." Teyla said thoughtfully. She could sense his slight disappointment, as she did every time he made some comment directly or indirectly to their relationship.
"Is one of those questions about me?" Kanaan asked directly this time surprising her.
"Yes." She replied honestly.
He nodded silently and looked down at their son. "I love my son, Teyla." He said softly. "I would wish to remain near him, see him as much as I can." He looked at her, his eyes more confident than usual. "You have not looked at me the same way since Michael."
"Do you think I still think of you as a Hybrid?" She asked him.
He looked away.
"Would I leave our son in your care if I did?" She asked. "You had no choice in what was done to you, Kanaan. I do not hold that against you, I never would."
He nodded. "What has changed then?"
She could not really answer him, for the answer was far too confusing and convoluted for her to understand let alone explain it to him. "My pregnancy and Torren have changed much for me." Was all she could think to reply. Yet, had she not kept her relationship with Kanaan quiet even before that? She had only visited him when she had free time from her duties with Atlantis. Being pregnant had changed much in her life. She had not expected it and it had changed everything for her. If only she could understand what exactly it was. More questions.
"Then you need to make you choices free of restriction." Kanaan replied. At her questioning look he continued "Our relationship has not been what it once was. I had hoped it would grow stronger, and though I feel we are closer than ever, there is something no longer between us. Torren has been a blessing to us yet, I feel he has also highlighted for you that you do not love me as you wish you could."
"Kanaan…"
"We have never shared words of love, Teyla, have you realised that?" He asked over her words.
She stopped, thinking back. They had shared many happy, soft words in bed. She opened her mouth to argue, but then the truth of what he had seen and she had ignored hit her; she had never said she loved him, because she cared for him above most others, but she did not love him. Her image of an Athosian life with him was a lie.
Kanaan turned towards her, took her shoulders gently in his hands. "Go on the Questioning Way, Teyla, and be honest with yourself about what it is you want."
Her eyes felt wet suddenly. "I am afraid of what I may find." She whispered, the emotion surprising her.
Kanaan didn't look surprised. "You have never run away from anything, Teyla Emmagan, daughter of Tagan and mother of Torren." He said with a compassionate smile.
Though he said the words with conviction she doubted the words; for she knew there was much she had ignored and run from. There were issues and feelings that she needed to understand and accept. The Questioning Way ritual would give her the time and space to finally honestly address them.
-----
"You have got to be kidding me!" John exclaimed.
Woolsey looked as surprised by John's outburst as Teyla.
"Your own report stated that the Wraith base on the far side of the planet was minimally staffed and that they were focused on the other planet and its space gate." Woolsey said calmly.
"Yes, I did notice that when they were shooting at us." John replied. "And that was a year ago; the base could be more heavily manned by now."
"Halling completed the ritual only two weeks ago and he returned safely without seeing a single dart or Wraith." Teyla replied. She had expected John would be the major obstacle in her plan to complete the ritual. "And besides I have an advantage that I can sense Wraith approaching." She added. "I will be fine."
John pondered the situation some more, but she could read him well enough that she knew what he was going to say next. "You can go, but there will be a team by the Gate." He replied, exactly as she had expected.
"No, the ritual states that I must travel there alone." She replied.
"You will be alone; you'll just have back up at the end of a radio call." He replied with a cocky smile.
She took a breath. She understood his protectiveness and in his place she might have felt the same. "I need to complete the mission by myself and I am only permitted certain items with me. One of which will be a hunting knife."
"Teyla, I know you can defend yourself, but a knife isn't going to be a hell of a lot of help up against a band of Wraith." John replied.
"I will be able to sense the Wraith approaching and hide. I will not engage them if they do appear."
"And if they sweep you up into a dart?" He asked.
"The entire trip is through thick woodland; no darts could get close enough to sweep me up." She replied. "John, Halling knows at least ten people from other worlds who have completed the ritual in the past two years and all of them completed the ritual without incident."
"And when does that mean anything with us. Wraith turn up everywhere we go." John responded.
Though he had a point, that they did often seem to walk into trouble wherever the team went, this was a ritual and completely different. "John, I will be fine. There is no need for any back up and besides they would be too far away to help. And no I do not want a Jumper stalking me above the forest." The look on John's face did not hide the fact that he had obviously been thinking along those lines.
"How long will the ritual last?" Woolsey cut in.
Teyla turned back to the leader of Atlantis. "It will take a day and a half to reach the final point and then the same time to return. Three days." She clarified. John mumbled something.
"This could be very risky, Teyla." Woolsey said.
"I know, but this is an ancient tradition and I plan to complete it in its entirety." She replied, looking pointedly at John seated beside her opposite Woolsey's desk.
"Does the ritual have to be performed on this precise planet?" Woolsey asked.
"Yes. There are several items that must be gathered on the way and the final point is a sacred place." She replied.
She watched Woolsey mull it over, his eyes straying to John.
"She's not going." John replied.
Teyla looked round at him angry. "John."
He returned her hard look. "You're a member of my team and I say who goes into a military situation. You know that." He replied.
"This is not a military situation." She argued back.
"There's a Wraith base on the planet!" He replied.
"And when we took Rodney to the Shrine?" She asked. "The Wraith threat was considerably greater there."
"That was different." John argued. "It was a life or death situation."
"And this is not. I will be fine." She argued back.
"No, because it's stupid, Teyla." He replied. His words cut deeply. She frowned at him, shocked at his lack of tact and her own pained response.
"I don't mean your ritual, Teyla. I mean going into that kind of situation." John clarified hurriedly.
The off hand way he dismissed the ritual told her he didn't understand. "My people have been walking the Way for more years than we can name. It is a sacred act that is performed only once in your life at a time of great change and importance. It is a time where new beginnings are formed and what no longer serves you is disregarded. It is my right to do this and you will not stop me, John."
He looked worried and angry as their eyes clashed. She remembered a day when she and John had never argued, but in the last year they had several times. She wished for the day when he spoke to her softly again, when they hadn't experienced shouting at each other. What had happened over the past year had changed so much between them that it hurt to be reminded of before. Long ago she used to spend hours with him each day outside of missions. They had been the closest of friends, but now, even before Torren was born, that had died away. She wondered when they had stopped sharing their time together. She missed it she realised.
"Teyla?" Woolsey asked drawing her attention away from John. "Colonel Sheppard is correct that he is in charge of sending our people into what could potentially be a military situation."
Teyla exhaled loudly. "Fine. Then I request four days leave to be with my people." It was her fall back position and she knew they could not deny her this. Woolsey sighed with a slight smile.
"No." John stated, but she could tell he knew she was going to win.
She looked round at him. "You can not deny me leave to visit my people." She replied calmly. He frowned at her worriedly and looked back at Woolsey, who leant forward over his desk towards her.
"You understand we're worried for you." Woolsey began. "Does the ritual state that you must not carry any technology?"
She sat back in her chair. "No." She conceded.
"Then how about you carry a radio. We'll dial in every evening at a specific time, all you'll need to do is quickly acknowledge the call and we'll be happy that you're okay. If you need help then we'll send through a Jumper immediately."
She considered the offer. In truth it would make her more comfortable to have some way that they could contact her, just in case something happened to Torren or someone else while she was away. "Alright." She agreed.
Woolsey nodded and both of them looked at John. He mumbled some words she chose to pretend she hadn't heard. "Fine." He replied, but it was very clear he wasn't happy.
"When do you want to leave?" Woolsey asked.
"Tomorrow morning." She replied.
-----
Teyla kissed the top of Torren's head once again as he lay in Kanaan's arms. She pulled her bag onto her back and smiled at the others who had turned out to wish her well. Ronon had had some choice words about her ritual yesterday, but once she explained that the ritual was about testing oneself as well as answering questions, he understood. Rodney had even turned up to her surprise and he gave her some snack bars to take with her. She took them with a smile and kissed him on the cheek. John stood back from the others, standing on the lower step of the staircase, up and away from them. She smiled up at him and he nodded in return, his arms crossed tightly over his chest. It hurt that he did not respect her enough to trust in her skills and that he would sulk like a child over her choice. But, then she remembered when she had told him about her pregnancy that he had barely spoken to her for over a week. That was how he dealt with anger she guessed. He hid his emotions well most of the time and he wasn't one to start an argument, though once it started he liked to finish it she had discovered. Rather like herself.
So it was with a sad smile that she turned and headed for the active gate. Kanaan held Torren so he could watch her leave. She waved to her son before she turned away and stepped into the wormhole.
Rodney turned to Ronon. "I should have given her more to eat." He muttered.
Ronon shook his head. "She'll only be gone for three days, McKay and she'll be in a forest; there's plenty to eat there." Rodney shuddered at the idea of living off the kind of food that a forest would provide.
Ronon turned to John. "You want to go spar for a bit?" He asked seeing the tension in the man's body.
"No, I'm gonna get ready to go." John replied as he pushed past them towards the Gateroom exit.
"Where you going?" Ronon asked.
John turned back. "To that planet." He replied, waving at the inactive Gate.
"Teyla wishes to complete the ritual by herself." Kanaan cut in.
John turned to the man, his eyes sharp. "I'm sure she will, but I'll be there to back her up."
"She is supposed to be alone." Kanaan said back sternly as he faced John.
Ronon moved forward worried about the potential in John to have a go at the Athosian male.
"I'll hang back far enough that she won't even know I'm there." John replied.
Ronon gave him a look.
"Okay, she will, but I'll be too far back for her to yell at me until after she's done her ritual-thingy." With those final words John turned and headed down the corridor.
He was going to give her half an hour until he followed her. Hopefully by then she would be far enough away that she wouldn't hear the Gate active. There was no way he was letting her be as stupid as to go into enemy territory without him, or at least someone to back her up.
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TBC