Disclaimer: I don't own House M.D., nor the characters.
Chapter: Oneshot
Author's Note: Apparently, I write to deal with my feelings. I cried writing this.
Wilson dreams about her. House knows because Wilson mentioned it once. In passing, in a whisper, right before he changed the subject to House's patient.
He dreams about her. But, he can never sleep. Which bothers him because it's the only time he has with her now. And Cuddy prescribes him something to sleep because he claims the insomnia is making him crazy. He doesn't tell her about his dreams and how he wouldn't mind not sleeping so much if it wasn't for the dreams he has when is asleep.
It doesn't become a problem until he starts missing work. And he stops shaving. And he doesn't eat very much, if at all, because he sleeps as much as he can because sometimes she's not in his dreams and he needs her to be.
House won't go see him. He wouldn't know what to do, what to say. Except for a 'get over it' or a 'she would have died eventually anyway.' House knows being an asshole will only get him physically injured, so he stays home and drinks a scotch and tries to forget about her while Wilson tries to hold onto her in his REM cycle.
Cuddy stops by and Wilson puts on an act. He still doesn't mention his dreams. Or the fact that he uses the sleeping pills during the day. He figures he will stop using them when he stops missing her so damn much. So, he makes coffee for Cuddy when she comes and he cries a little on her shoulder and she eventually leaves. And he takes two pills to fight the caffeine and knock him out.
He's slightly groggy when he shuffles from his bathroom and heads toward the door. There was someone knocking and Wilson hopes they leave soon because he couldn't remember his dream at all. Wilson pulls open the door and is surprised to see Cameron standing there.
She gives him a sad smile and Wilson is too stunned to say anything, so he steps back and lets her in. Cameron takes a look around, seeing the mess, the disorder. She examines the place carefully and peeks into the bedroom where the bed sheets are in disarray. Her eyes fall on the prescription bottle before she turns and looks to Wilson.
"You dream about her, don't you?" she asks him.
There's a long pause before he says, almost offended, "No."
"I heard you were taking sleeping pills." Cameron isn't trying to be tactful, she isn't trying to accuse him. She's stating a fact to get to the matter at hand.
"Because I can't sleep," Wilson offers as an easy explanation.
"And because you dream about her," Cameron adds.
Wilson sighs and seats himself on the couch. He pauses a moment and doesn't look at Cameron when he speaks. "I only see her in my dreams. It's the only place I can still be with her."
"But, it isn't real," Cameron tells him gently and sits down next to him. She places her hand on his knee in an attempt to comfort him.
Wilson turns his head slightly to looks at Cameron. "Don't you dream about your husband? Doesn't it make you want to sleep as much as you can to spend time with him?"
"Amber doesn't know you dream about her." Cameron moves the topic off of herself. "It doesn't make it easier. She wouldn't want you to do this to yourself for artificial time spent with her."
Wilson looks to the floor. "But, I'm not going to see her again. At least in my dreams, I see her. I hear her voice. I have time."
"It's not real, James," Cameron points out again. "And it's only hurting you. It would be easier if you didn't try so hard to dream of her. It would be easier if you tried to establish a routine, put your life back together."
Wilson stands and moves away from Cameron. He hates his tears. He hates having to think about a life without Amber. "I didn't have enough time with her. It isn't fair."
"No, it's not," Cameron agrees, fighting her own tears. "But, you can't let it destroy your life. You have to live for yourself, live for her. You need to stop with the pills."
Wilson is silent. He lifts his head and does his best to blink away his tears. "Sometimes she's not in my dreams. And I wake up and I miss her even more. Why shouldn't I sleep when it puts me in a place with her and without pain?"
"I know that seems like the best solution, but it isn't real," Cameron emphasizes for the third time. "It's not. You can't live in a world that doesn't exist." Cameron stands from the couch and takes a few steps toward Wilson. "You don't need dreams to see her, to remember her. You should treat your dreams about Amber as your subconscious giving you a gift and not take advantage of it. Some people don't get to see the person they love in their dreams."
The realization comes over Wilson quickly. He faces Cameron and speaks, almost sadly, "You never dream about your husband."
"No, I don't," Cameron shakes her head. "Or if I do, I don't remember. And I wish I had your problem. I wish I could hear his voice speaking to me as if he is right there with me. But, I can't." Cameron sucked in a shaky breath which pacified any tears from falling. "Amber would want you to go on without her, to be the best doctor you could be, and to kick ass even if she couldn't be with you. She'd want you to go on, James, not do this to yourself."
Wilson shakes his head, annoyed with Cameron, annoyed with himself. He pushes past her and heads toward the bedroom. "You don't know what Amber would have wanted for me."
"I know what one person who loves another would want for their partner," Cameron replies quickly, clearly, stopping him in his tracks because he knows just how well she understands.
"You should go," Wilson's voice is quiet. "I want to be alone."
"Okay." Cameron's volume is low as well as she begins for the door.
"Take the sleeping pills with you," Wilson speaks up, but remains motionless.
Cameron nods and does as Wilson says before leaving his apartment. After she is gone, Wilson makes his way to the bedroom and lifts the picture of himself and Amber from his bedside table. His tears hit the glass and he sets the picture back down.
Wilson crawls across the bed to her side and places his face into the pillow that had lost her scent days ago. He breathes in deeply, searching for any sign of her, even if he experiences it for less than a second. But, there is nothing.
He doesn't fall asleep for a long while. And when he awakes the following morning, he knows his dream didn't contain her. He gets a flash of her blonde hair crossing his mind and he swears her can almost feel the soft threads in his fingertips. But, again, there is nothing.
After he lies awake for what he assumes is an hour, Wilson forces himself from the bed and does something he hasn't done for a week and a half. He shaves.
And then in mechanical motions, with her on his mind the entire time, he dresses himself in appropriate attire for the hospital. He tries to ignore the lump in his throat and the larger, harder lump in his chest when he sees her clothes in his closet and can't ignore them.
At the hospital, the day goes by in a blur and he isn't sure how he makes it through. Everyone was nice to him, but Wilson could only remember specific faces. House was even kinder than usual. And Cuddy was concerned while Cameron made sure to tell him she was proud of him before mentioning she was there to talk if he needed.
Wilson finds out the first week of re-establishing himself is the worst. He doesn't sleep much and when he does, he doesn't dream. He feels like he's been taking ice cold showers while walking on hot coals, which only causes a sickening several pound weight to form in his stomach.
During the day, he forces her from his thoughts and at night, she's all he thinks about. House begins to talk to him more and Cuddy seems less worried. Cameron calls every other night to check up on him and Wilson finds comfort in her efforts, especially since she's kept it from the workplace.
By the time a month passes, his patients wouldn't know he ever felt the blow of the loss of Amber. His friendship with House had molded itself back into the shape it was the before, except with a House who is a bit more in tune with Wilson's feelings. Cuddy smiles more and touches him more and is still willing to prescribe him sleeping pills even though he doesn't use them anymore.
Cameron's calls become less and less, but each time they talk, their conversations fall on the people they loved and were forced to give up. And each time they hang up, they both realize they are more alike than they knew. And they wish the other didn't have to go through the same experience of losing someone they so deeply loved.
Wilson still sleeps on her side of the bed. But, she's rarely in his dreams anymore. When she is, however, she's just as beautiful as he remembers and she talks to him like she's still alive. Sometimes he even dreams of holding her, kissing her. And sometimes he only catches a glimpse of her.
The times he dreams of her, the times he's granted the privilege, he awakes the following morning and she's the first thought on his mind. And before he's brought out of his state of half sleep, he swears he could find the scent of her in her pillow, and for that brief moment, he's convinced she's there with him, as if she never left.