Disclaimer: I should not be given rights to own these characters. I would ruin everything.
Author's Note: Rather than just throwing you guys into this like I usually do, you need some background. I have a friend who has this really messed up (and slightly OOC, she's admitted) headcanon wherein after Levana dies, Cinder kills herself, and Kai is left with no one. Very messed up, I know. And the thought of poor Kai left all alone killed me, but then I found a SONG that goes with the headcanon, and this is sort of basically a songfic for it (You & I in Unison by La Dispute). Full credit for the idea behind this fic goes to my friend (and also LD I guess? Partially?), shejust told me to write it. bless us all. Please review, if you feel so inclined (and keep in mind - this is only a one shot). I've been writing a lot for tlcshipweeks, so it was nice to write something that wasn't for that (though this made me miss writing fluff and, well, you all know how much I love writing fluff :')).
"So what do I do when everyday still seems to start and end with you?"
Kai
The memory replays over and over in my head.
I can't make it disappear, can't pretend it never happened. Can't let it go. It's probably best that I do, right?
Everyone thinks I'll find something to help me handle this tragedy, something to take my mind off of it. I thought I had it at first, and perhaps I did, but I lost it.
I just always feel so alone. She's not here. The last bit of hope I had, lost in a moment of sheer desperation.
She's not here, but I still imagine her anyway.
Sometimes I wake up and think I see her by the window. The light that shapes around the shadow feels warmer in that moment, but it's always just my mind playing tricks, because she's gone again as soon as I blink. Sometimes, I think I hear her singing again, or whispering my name in my ear to wake me in the mornings, like she's right next to me and all I have to do is look harder.
But she's never there. She won't ever be.
I can still hear Levana's laugh in her dying moment, telling Cinder that she would never have peace in her mind. This would haunt her forever.
I held Cinder for hours after she killed herself. I begged her to come back, begged her to take it back and come back to me.
But she never did. Her synthetic eyes remained lifeless and I'm still finding pieces of my shattered heart embedded in the lining of my lungs.
Every night, it's the same thing. I lay awake too late, plagued by memories, tracing her shape in the shadows on the wall that are cast by the light of the moon.
I always dream of her doing the simplest of things. She's in the bathroom, getting ready for the day. She's staring out the window at the city below, a serene smile on her face. When I wake up, I think I still feel her presence, like she's only just left.
It's probably best to let go, but I'm not sure how.
They're waiting for me to find a wife, to produce an heir, none of them realizing the true extent of what I've lost. I'm not sure if any of them care. They're good at pretending, at least, but it's not enough.
She's buried next to my parents and I visit every day. I update her on all of the daily events that have happened since she led the successful revolution on Luna. I pretend that she knows I'm there, that she hears and appreciates every word. And, as if to say goodnight, I press my lips against the cold marble of her headstone before returning to the palace.
She never leaves my mind and I've already resigned myself to never forgetting about her.
Cinder
He doesn't sleep very often, but when he does, it's so peaceful. I lie next to him and wonder if he can feel me there and I wish I could hold him, but I can't. I wish with every passing second that I could take it back, that I could return to him. He doesn't seem to be doing so well.
He still comes and talks to me every day, and it's so nice to just hear about his day. He doesn't know that it's unnecessary, that I'm with him every second.
He's never alone.
But I still love hearing it from his point of view. I can tell he isn't happy. He tells me he misses me every day and sometimes, when I have the strength to visit him, I purposefully stick around for just a moment after I know he's awake. Maybe if he sees me, he'll know I'm there. He'll know it's okay.
Maybe one day he'll let go.
What I did was unfair to him, and I'll live an eternity in regret for making him watch. But it's been almost two years now and I wish he'd just find someone else. Just because I became a heroine doesn't mean he can't do better. Quite the opposite, I think. I don't deserve to be remembered after what I put him through. I don't want him to be afraid of love again, I don't want him to feel like there's no one else, but I'm not sure how to tell him that.
I'm watching him now, sitting at his desk long after he was meant to go to bed. He's not doing anything, staring at his hands, mostly. I hate when he does this. It's how I know he's having a bad day. I draw more energy from the lights overhead and he doesn't look up with they barely flicker, like he's used to it by now. I bump as much energy as I can without disappearing into pushing over a vase, listening to the fragile glass spill over the maroon carpet.
His head snaps up and I know he can see me, because his eyes are locked exactly where I expect mine to be. It's taking too much energy for me to stick around, and as I feel myself start to fade, I offer him a smile.
He stands up just as I feel my energy run out, and I know he can no longer see me.
And I can tell that he's thinking he's only seeing things. He's too exhausted, too stressed and sleep-deprived.
In that moment, I think I feel a small part of myself die again.
Because I realize, I realize, that he won't ever forget me.