Title: Painful Memories
Pairing: Asami/Akihito
Credit goes to Yamane-Sensei due to the fact that they belong to her.
Warning: 18+ for Violence, Angst
Summary: There are moments in which many people get hurt. Everyone has them yes, but all are different from everyone elses. What might Akihito's pain be?
Pain is something that many try to coupe with. Pain gives us the feeling of being alive or so they say. But why do we need this? All it does is hurt us. It makes us act and think irrationally because of what we feel at the moment. We never think of the consequences that our acts of pain will lead to. My pain is something that some people might have in this world. It isn't a pain that people do not know. It is the pain and longing for someone. The pain I feel can also be confused with love. Love? Yes, what a nice but hurtful word.
I remember walking home from a shoot that I had last minute. It was a very tiring day and many things had gone wrong. It made me angry that today seemed to be a day where nothing would get done. Well, after struggling I managed to get home. I had walked to my bedroom and collapsed on my bed. I didn't want anything or anyone to bother me in my little time of peace. That was short lived. There was a ring to the door and I growled in frustration. I walked towards the door and opened it. Asami had appeared at my doorstep for what seemed to be the millionth time. I knew what he needed but why did he always come when he wanted me? Why wasn't it the other way around?
I remember that he led me to the bedroom and that we fell back. I was tired but I have to admit that I began to feel excited with him. He took me many times, too much for me to make count of. I remember that I had screamed and whimpered and moaned like a person who loved to be taken. I sounded like a whore. It pained me to view myself like that. A whore… It ripped so deep through me. It went deep to my core and it was taken. My freedom was taken by this man. He says that he loves me and that he wants me for him and him only. Can I really trust him? I feel like I'm only a tool, a toy that will be discarded soon.
There was another time where I was hauled off to his office. I had heard that someone had betrayed him and I knew how he would deal with this hurt. He would deal with it by violating my body. At this point, I seemed to know my purpose. He had grabbed me and slammed me onto his desk. He had taken me and I had screamed, again as his whore. Funny thing was that I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it because my sexual desires kicked in. But now that I see it from afar, it was something that could have been prevented.
It's been two days since I last saw him. I panicked all of the first day, thinking that my 'master' had abandoned me. Then I had calmed down considerably. I had begun to think clearly for once in these past 2 years. I had finally seen that this man had changed me from the person I was back then. I had been trained to be slutty. I was trained to perform for his needs. For his entertainment. Now that I feel and see a way out, I hesitate. Can I leave him? Will I be able to be happy? Will he hurt me if I leave? What would become of me if I am ever found? Should I stay with him? Should I leave?
I have spent about an hour trying to make a decision. I have made my resolve. I will leave from this place. If he tries to come for me, I will go with him on one condition. If he comes for me in order to lock me up and show the world what I am, a whore, a toy, I will not come. If he comes for me with a different approach. Coming to me to keep me with him, I might come. But that is for him to decide. He will have to make his decision. I am sick of being treated as a rag.
I pack my things and head off in search of a place to go. I have yet to think of a plan, or rather I have yet to conduct a plan for my escape. All I'm doing is on a whim. I don't know if I will succeed but rest assured that I will escape. I will seek my freedom whether it is given to me or not.
It's been a week now. I've managed to leave Tokyo and head over to Okinawa. This place seems so peaceful. I laughed at my weak notion to stay in Tokyo. I was scared to leave because of the fact that I didn't know what Asami would do to me. I thought about all the consequences that would have happened if and when he found out. But why would I hold myself back on a simple idea that I think will happen? I didn't know if it will come true or not. What's best? Wasting my time there in order to see if Asami will be so kind to give me my freedom or snatch it when I have the chance?
I had many call me today. Many asked the same questions that the others gave me. Where are you? Why did you leave us? Why aren't you here? Who is Asami? Why are you with Asami Ryuuichi, Akihito? All these questions were all questions I wanted to answer but I couldn't. I got fed up with these conflicting emotions and questions. I threw my cell phone in the river near the park. I felt so at ease once I didn't have a cell phone. I was free, I suppose, but the freedom now is nothing compared to the freedom that I want to obtain. It isn't and it's not even close to it.
It's been two weeks now and still no sign of Asami. I'm happy that he hasn't found me yet, but there is something deep down that pains me that he still hasn't shown up to come for me. It's sad. I have spent my whole day today not doing pretty much anything. I have sat on my bed for the past 5 hours thinking to get up but I never do. I feel broken, as if something has left me. I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I hear the doorbell ring and I wonder if the neighbor made me food again. That old lady is so nice. I open the door and I don't know what to do.
Standing right before me is the man that I have been thinking about ever since I left Tokyo. This man is the one who keeps my freedom away from me. This man is the man I have come to hate but as well love. Love? That word. That small, insignificant word makes my heart beat faster and faster. He looks at me with hurt and anger and what is this? Fear? I see fear in those cold eyes. Please don't look at me with those fearful eyes. They hurt me. It pains me to see you this way. You aren't supposed to feel! You're supposed to be cold! I want you to hate me! Detest me! Not love me.
He makes his way into my apartment after shoving me to the side. I look at him for a bit and then I turn my gaze to the window. Oh, how I would enjoy to leap from there and come out alive. But if I do, wouldn't that be called running away? Have all I've been doing was running away? I haven't looked at my problem in the face. He is my problem and I need to find out why? Those cold eyes still hold that fear I hate so much. It doesn't look like my Asami. He looks weak. Breakable. Disposable. "Akihito." That velvet voice makes me break. I fall to the floor and sob. I can't take this anymore. Why won't you leave me alone? Hate me, please! I want you to live without me.
I feel warmth surround me. It's soothing but it is also very painful. I push him away and try to head towards the kitchen. I'm grabbed by the back and I tumble forward, him coming down with me. I scream and yell in protest. I want someone to hear me. I want someone to take him away from me. He deserves to have someone he loves, not a toy. Not a whore. Why won't he leave? I continue to scream but he takes my lips onto his own. I feel him intruding my mouth and I want to fight back, but I can't bring myself to do it. I will give him what he wants, today but that is all. I will leave once he is finished with me.
We fall onto the bed and he strips me of my clothes as he does the same to his own. I feel him tie me to the bed, when doesn't he do that? He kisses me and then leaves me. I look up in question and I can still see those sad eyes. I look away from him. "Akihito, look at me." How can I look at you? What makes you think I can? I'm the one who has made you suffer to this point. Many say I'm your weakness and they may be right, Get rid of me, you fool!
My head is snatched to the right and I look at angry eyes. Yes, these eyes suit you, Asami. These are the eyes you must keep on. I look at him intently. I wait for him to say something but he doesn't. Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity he asks, "Why'd you leave?" I look into those eyes. They hold concern, yet they look cold. I'm happy with those eyes even if they pain me. Without pain, I can't tell if I'm here or not. "I want freedom."
The bed dips harshly and I bounce up as he bounces to hover over me. "No, you can't have your freedom! You're mine, Takaba! I hold your freedom!" He takes my lips again but this time they feel different. They feel desperate. Am I scared? It's a funny question. Yes, I am scared. This man never goes beyond the cold face and his casual mocking smirks. He's showing so many emotions and I can't tell what's real and what's fake. He flips me and he takes me.
I scream and moan out his name. His name is uttered by my voice in a way that sounds like a chant. Every time he hits me, I see white. I moan since I can't withstand the pain. Is it pain or is it pleasure? I can't tell anymore. He keeps murmuring things, incoherent words that can never reach my ear. After the last thrust, he and I escalate to our climax. I see his eyes close and I feel him filling me. He begins to pant as I try to catch my breath. He looks down and opens his eyes. I am frozen to the spot and I feel like something has been taken away from me.
This man before me looks so broken. He isn't the Asami I know. I try to push him off but all that does is make him hold me closer. He holds me closer as if I were to slip away. He then says something that I would never believe to hear. "Don't leave me. I love you. Please stay with me. I need you." I can't hold back the tears anymore. Are they tears of sorrow or are they tears of happiness? He takes my lips again and says, "I need you with me. They say you are my weakness but they fail to remember that you are also my strength. Come back, Akihito. Come back." I feel my heart begin to pound wildly now and I know what this is. It's love. Love, that small word can mean anything. But if it comes from this man, it means everything. I hug him back and say, "Yes, I'll come back."
Pain is something that many deal with. Either if it's to prove something or to gain and protect something. Whatever the reason you have, you hold onto it with your life. This pain I have locked away is something I decided to live with. I have kept it in for so long for the sake of one person. Asami… That beautiful name. This pain I have will be what keeps me to you. Till death do us part, my love.
The End
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Yes, yes. This is a oneshot. Don't know what came on for this shot to be written but I have been thinking so much lately. Problems with school, family, friends, acquaintances. But for whatever reason this shot came about, is beyond me. I feel that this has helped me deal with everything I am going through right now. I feel lighter now than before. I hope you enjoyed this shot and trust me, this hit harder to me than others have.