Hello everyone! Well I had a strong need of distraction from some thoughts this evening and this is what provided it. I had the idea when reading 'Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban' a few days before...
What did Remus and Sirius think during the chapter of 'Cat, Rat and Dog'? Their thoughts might be a bit confusing, but you might enjoy them.
As I'm sure you can figure out anyway, the words in italics are Remus' and Sirius' thoughts and the bold words are taken from 'Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban'.
And as for the disclaimer... I think it's clear. I don't own anything exept the words written in italics. And I don't even really own these. I don't own the characters and... you know.
Enjoy!
Suspicious Passages
Then Lupin spoke, in an odd voice, a voice that shook with some suppressed emotion.
To see him again… to be so near to him again… he couldn't think… yet he must… he wanted to touch him…
'Where is he, Sirius?'
Black's face was quite expressionless.
It was just shock. Just shock to see Remus. Him, Remus. His Moony.
For a few seconds, he didn't move at all.
He couldn't do anything. But he had to…
Then, very slowly, he raised his empty hand, and pointed straight at Ron.
'But then…' Lupin muttered, staring at Black so intently it seemed he was trying to read his mind,
They had always had this connection. Sometimes they would laugh about a joke before anyone even made it. James would look from on to the other and laugh incredulously. He would shout, 'You're doing it again! That mind-thing! See! That's what I always think I got with Lily… once she admits –'And he would go on about that for hours. All those memories… passing his mind in the fraction of a second…
'… why hasn't he shown himself before now? Unless – 'Lupin's eyes suddenly widened,
He discovered the betrayal in the blink of an eye, just like that … why hadn't it always seemed clear? He thought perhaps he'd known it. Deep down, he had always known it. Yet the wounds stayed. But how could you not forgive the person you love?
… as though he was seeing something beyond Black, something none of the rest could see,
He'd always understood him better than the others. Better than even James sometimes… in another way, perhaps.
'– unless he was the one … unless you switched… without telling me?'
Very slowly, his sunken gaze never leaving Lupin's face, Black nodded.
He didn't think he could look at him enough. He loved drinking in his face. Every piece…
Lupin was lowering his wand.
He just had…
Next moment, he had walked to Black's side, seized his hand,
To touch him again… his love…
… pulled him to his feet so that Crookshanks fell to the floor,
He heard a light 'thud' on the floor… might have been the cat… he couldn't think… it was all just a blur of emotion… one stronger than the other… and the urge to touch…
…and embraced Black like a brother.
At first he embraced the friend. His friend, the best friend he'd ever had, his soul-mate…
He lowered his head and gazed down into the silvery grey orbs he adored… the ones he'd dreamed of so much …for twelve years… he delved into them… he saw so much… the grief, the sorrow, the pain. The loneliness and the despair. Yet somewhere deep down, they were still the same. He was still his Padfoot.
He wanted to bow his head… touch the lips he'd been longing for so long –
'I DON'T BELIEVE IT!' Hermione screamed.
It was like an electric jolt. He'd forgotten there were any other people… how could there be, when the world consisted only of Sirius and him? - His world… the one he would have given so much for it just to be safe… their world… their careless, young and beautiful world, their joyous world… the world he had wanted to keep safely tucked away so that no one could ever harm it. Which was just what had happened. His world was shattered. And just at this moment he was standing by the ruins and gazing down at the pieces.
Lupin let go of Black and turned to her.
'You – you –'
This was getting worse every minute…
'Hermione –'
He had to do something… but what?
'- you and him!'
Oh yes, he thought, me and him. It's always been this way. Me and him. Me and him, me and him…
'You're wrong,' said Lupin. 'I haven't been Sirius' friend for twelve years, but I am now… let me explain…'
How could you explain the complexities of their relationship to three out-of-their-minds, thirteen-year-old kids? … For the moment, he was his friend… his soul-mate… and yet, he could never deny he was more. It hurt not to be able to say the whole truth. But they had time for that, hadn't they? … Later… much later…
'NO!' Hermione screamed, 'Harry, don't trust him, he's been helping Black get into the castle, he wants you dead too – he's a werewolf!'
There was a ringing silence.
As always. He was always the one to ruin everything… he hated the silence, he hated the circumstances, he sometimes even hated himself … he hated he had to cope.
Everyone's eyes were now on Lupin, who looked remarkably calm, though rather pale.
He would manage it somehow… even if he couldn't think… even if his mind and his heart were focused on the one person in this room… the person he'd been longing for… if he'd managed to survive the past twelve years, he'd manage this moment. Was it really twelve long years?
'Not at all up to your usual standard, Hermione,' he said. 'Only one out of three, I'm afraid. I have not been helping Sirius get into the castle and I certainly don't want Harry dead…' An odd shiver passed over his face. 'But I won't deny that I am a werewolf.'
Again. The same feeling. Again. They'll leave me...
Ron made a valiant effort to get up again, but fell back with a whimper of pain. Lupin made towards him, looking concerned, but Ron gasped, 'Get away from me, werewolf!' Lupin stopped dead.
Again and again. It tore him apart. He hated being abnormal.
Then, with an obvious effort, he turned to Hermione and said, 'How long have you known?'
Focus… focus…
'Ages,' Hermione whispered. 'Since I did Professor Snape's essay…'
'He'll be delighted,' said Lupin coolly.
Just keep talking…
…
'Both,' Hermione said quietly. Lupin forced a laugh.
You had to laugh if you didn't want to cry… and crying just wasn't an option… had it ever been? No, he didn't think so.
… He was pointing at Black, who had crossed to the four-poster bed and sunk onto it, his face hidden in one shaking hand.
He was shocked. Shocked and dumbfounded. And his heart ached. So much. He was afraid his eyes would betray him the moment he looked up. He wanted to rush over to him and make love to him right there on the floor, until both of them were screaming… he wanted to stand up and shout out to the world how much he loved him…
'Of course I know how to work it,' said Lupin, waving his hand impatiently. 'I helped write it. I'm Moony – that was my friends' nickname for me at school.'
How could they not know? How could anyone not know? Even he had gotten used to their fame as his self-confidence slowly increased… and he'd loved it. Loved that he'd belonged to them. They'd been a legend… they still were… the Marauders…
…
'How'd you know about the Cloak?'
'The number of times I saw James disappearing under it…' said Lupin, waving an impatient hand again.
… The number of times he and Sirius nicked it to get away to some private place… some private love-making… but that was another story…
'That's not a rat,' croaked Sirius Black suddenly.
'What d'you mean – of course he's a rat –'
'No, he's not,' said Lupin quietly. 'He's a wizard.'
'An Animagus,' said Black, 'by the name of Peter Pettigrew.'
He loved when they completed each other's thoughts so perfectly. Although in this case, it was quite predictable. Still…
And Crookshanks was thrown to the floor as Black lunged at Scabbers; Ron yelled with pain as Black's weight fell on his broken leg.
'Sirius, NO!' Lupin yelled, launching himself forwards and dragging Black away from Ron again, 'WAIT! You can't do it just like that – they need to understand – we've got to explain –'
How often had he restrained him?
'We can explain afterwards!' snarled Black, trying to throw Lupin off …
How often had they argued? It was part of their relationship, it felt so familiar, no need to keep themselves from being rough…
…
'They've – got – a – right – to – know – everything!' Lupin panted, still trying to restrain Black. 'Ron's kept him as a pet! There are parts of it even I don't understand! And Harry – you owe Harry the truth, Sirius!'
Black stopped struggling …
Of course he would manage to calm him. He always did. They just matched…
'All right, then,' Black said, without taking his eyes off the rat. 'Tell them whatever you like. But make it quick, Remus. I want to commit the murder I was imprisoned for…'
He wanted to escape once and for all, to take him along, to run away… He wanted to get free.
Black and Lupin were both out of their minds. Their story made no sense whatsoever. How could Scabbers be Peter Pettigrew? Azkaban must have unhinged Black after all - but why was Lupin playing along with him?
Well, why was he? Just about the simple reason that he loved him. And he understood him.
'If you're going to tell them the story, get a move on, Remus,' snarled Black …
He wanted to get revenge… he wanted him for himself … everything was lost…
He looked sober and tired. Ron started to interrupt, but Hermione said, 'Shh!' She was watching Lupin very intently.
All his wounds seemed to pry open again…
'Hurry up, Remus,' snarled Black …
'I'm getting there, Sirius, I'm getting there…'
Patience to match his discomfort. He always managed it. Always.
Lupin was struggling against his bonds. Black bent down quickly and untied him.
He couldn't see him tied … of course it would be him who freed him. He craved for an opportunity to touch him… how he loved him…
He was pointing at Black, who shook his head slowly; the sunken eyes were suddenly over-bright.
All the pain. The grief, the sorrow. It tore him apart… it killed him…
…
'– I realized what Peter must have done. What I'd done.' His voice broke. He turned away.
He was bleeding. He was dying inside. How long would he be able to survive this slow execution?
'Enough of this,' said Lupin, and there was a steely note in his voice Harry had never heard before.
It hurt so much for him. But he could see Sirius, and he could feel his emotions, and that was worse…
'Ready, Sirius?' said Lupin.
How often had he said that?
Black had already retrieved Snape's wand from the bed. He approached Lupin and the struggling rat, and his wet eyes suddenly seemed to be burning in his face.
Revenge…
'Together?' he said quietly.
I love you, he wanted to say. I love you, please, stay with me.
'I think so,' said Lupin.
Oh, and he did remember… they were sitting on a couch in the deserted common room… everyone, really everyone gone… only the two of them… he kissed his way up the other boy's neck… to his chin… his cheek… everywhere… until… he reached his mouth… just a short kiss, ambiguous…They parted after that, not knowing what to think or to tell others if asked...
And then there was a second time… they'd sit… stolen moments in stolen places… he'd kiss him… they'd embrace… 'Together?' he said. 'I think so,' the other one breathed into his neck.
Black's wand arm rose, but Lupin seized him around the wrist, gave him a warning look, then turned again to Pettigrew, his voice light and casual.
The way he handled him… easy, so easy. Because they loved each other.
Black's face looked more skull-like than ever as he stared at Pettigrew with his fathomless eyes.
The hurt… what mixed up feelings… love and joy, and hope, yet sorrow and pain, torture… was he going to survive?
'It used to be us… me and Remus… and James…'
It had always been like that. Me and him… him and his…
And it always would be. Whatever happened. Whatever they would do, whichever paths they would have to take… what decisions they would make… it would always be them.
Well, I'm dying for reviews! It's quite difficult to tell for myself whether I did an okay job or not because I really need to get a bit of a distance to the story before I'm able to judge it... so I'm dependant on you! Virtual cookies for every review. Thanks!