In the upcoming days Clarke wouldn't remember how she went back to Camp Jaha. All her memories about Finn's death were surrounded by some kind of blur. It was like a bad dream, the kind of nightmare that make you just want to wake up, and then you find yourself breathless and sweaty.

She walked to Camp Jaha like a robot, tears in her eyes, heartbreaking pain in her chest. She couldn't think, she couldn't talk. She could barely breathe. So she just kept on moving while the grounders watched her leaving without losing a single movement of her shaking body. The gates were opened as she got closer. And then she left all of the grounders noise behind. They had finally gotten the revenge they had been demanding, so they seemed pleased.

She wasn't expecting a big welcome. Everyone pretended not to look at her, but they sure did. She had walked a short distance in silence when someone knocked her over without warning. And then it all was noise. Suddenly she crashed with her back into the floor, and felt one of Raven's hands around her throat while she tried to punch her with the other hand. Then a lot of faces surrounded them and two pair of hands tried to separate them.

"Let go of me! I will kill her! I will kill you!" Raven growled.

Clarke could just listen a high ringing in her ears while Raven kept on screaming. She tried to stand up but failed. Her range of vision was getting narrower. She knew that she was going to faint. There was blood on her hands. His blood. She felt sick.

Just before she collapsed in front of everyone, she felt someone holding her by her waist with steady hands. She couldn't do anything but lean against this someone. She had a glance at her mother's worried face.

"I'll take care of her," and Clarke could have sworn that was Bellamy's voice. "Deal with Raven."

Thankfully he helped her getting away from all that mess. As the noise was left behind, Clarke felt more nauseous at every step.

"I'm going to puke," she whispered.

"It's okay Clarke. You'll feel better."

She couldn't dream about feeling any better anytime soon. She stepped aside and vomited until all she could feel were tears running down her cheeks. Trying to catch her breath with her hands leaning on her knees, she felt Bellamy right behind her. He had been holding her hair while she was throwing up her soul out of her body.

"Feeling any better?" he asked. She could read the worry on his voice, who could have guessed that a couple months before.

She shook her head.

Bellamy helped her trough Camp Jaha, and she couldn't tell where he was bringing her. She didn't care anyway. Clarke let him carry her without asking, without even noticing what was around them. It could have been minutes or hours walking, she had no clue.

He finally opened a door and they got inside a room. It wasn't big but it had a sleeping-bag in a corner. There was also a beat-up chair and table. Bellamy helped her sitting down and handed over a bottle of water.

For some minutes they kept silent. She looked at the floor, while taking small sips of water. Her stomach was feeling unsettled already. He was leaning against the wall.

"You should stay in here for the night," he said.

She nodded by all response.

"Want me to go find your mom?" Clarke shook her head. "Clarke."

She didn't answer. Suddenly he covered the distance between them, and bent down to make eye contact.

"Clarke, please, talk to me."

There was a tense silence.

"What do you want me to say?" she finally whispered. She looked like a broken toy.

Bellamy took a piece of clothing that was on the table and got it soaked with the water. He took one of Clarke's hands and started cleaning the blood on it. Finn's blood. She started crying, taking her clean hand to her mouth to silence a sob. Bellamy didn't seem to notice, as he went on cleaning her other hand. Once he finished, he looked her in the eye.

"Listen to me" he made her raise her head with his index finger "You did what was best to Finn. To our people. That's what leaders do. The grounders would have made him suffer to death. Do you understand?" She nodded. "You're gonna be fine. It'll just take some time."

"He couldn't thank you for trying to save him," she sniffed.

"There's no need," he shook his head, looking her straight. "He was one of us. I know how important he was for you. I did it for him Clarke, but I also did it for you."

Something broke inside of her after those words. She started listening another ones, another voice in her head. "I was trying to save you… Clarke, I'm in love with you. Everything that's happened, everything I've done, all that matters is that you're ok. That you forgive me". She felt like she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulder. She didn't want to carry anything else.

"Don't," she said. "Don't you dare."

"What?" he asked, confused.

"Don't you dare putting that on me," she started shaking, with words of anger. "I was trying to thank you in his name. You didn't have to help him, to put yourself in danger, because of me. I didn't ask. I don't want to."

"Clarke, I just…"

"Stop that! I don't want to listen to you anymore. Just leave me alone,"she yelled.

Bellamy stood up and looked at her, now knowing how to console her. Clark turned her back on him as the tears fell down her cheeks and she bit her lip until it hurt. Bellamy raised his hand in a hesitant attempt to touch her. But finally he decided it wasn't a good idea. He turned around and left the room.

Clarke had never felt so alone. Not even in The Ark, when she was a prisoner. After she heard him leave, she got into the sleeping-bag and cried rivers of sorrow until she fell asleep.