Title: Being Dick

Author: Enide Dear

Pairing: RenoxRude

Rating: NC-17

Summary: Rude is a dick. Literally.

A/N: Yes, this is a fic with Reno talking to Rude's dick. Yes, I need therapy. Now we've cleared that out, just go read the fic. You know you want to ;)

Dedicated to: Yllet (Dude, you need to update your tape collection. Why? 'Cause it's a *tape collection*!)

Reno knew he was in trouble. Rude hasn't spoken to him since lunch, and although his partner was seldom the chatty type there were silence and there were *silence*. This was most definitely the latter kind. Yeah, he was in trouble alright, but what bugged the hell out of him was that he didn't know *why*. And as long as Rude didn't speak to him he wouldn't find out either.

"Immature bastard," Reno muttered just loud enough to be heard over the car engine as he sunk down lower in the passenger seat, glaring at Rude who didn't so much as twitch. "C'mon," Reno whined. "Just tell me what the fuck is wrong, alright?"

Silence. Eyes on the road.

"Fine, be that way." Sulking, Reno sank back, gnawing on his nail and wracking his brain trying to figure out what the Hell he'd done this time. Gods knew he did a lot of stupid things on a daily basis, but it wasn't like Rude to be this pissed at him.

The silent treatment continued throughout an otherwise normal evening of takeout food and lazily watching TV. Reno's patience was slipping fast, worry being replaced by anger. Rude had no right to treat him like this! He hadn't done anything! He was as innocent as an angel! Well, maybe that comparison wasn't quite accurate in Midgard which had seen more than its share of one-winged destruction, but still!

But Rude just continued his moping.

When it got time to go to bed, Reno had had enough. He slept in the buff, as always, but Rude just flopped down on the very edge of the bed, boxers still on as well as the grumpy face.

"Hey, big guy, wanna snuggle…" Reno teased a hand down Rude's chest, but the other Turk just scowled and slapped the fingers away.

That was fucking *it*! With a firm grp, Reno grabbed Rude through the silk boxers and squirmed around so he was facing the other Turk's crotch.

"What the Hell…" Rude gasped but Reno squeezed harder, causing him to fall quiet with a pained hiss.

"No way, yo, you had your fucking chance," the red-head growled, throwing a glare over his bony shoulder. "If I'm gonna talk to a dick, it's gonna be a real one." With a last hard squeeze but without letting go if his price he turned back. "Hi there,# he addressed the penis, "I'm Reno I do believe we met. Wanna shake hands?" He smirked evilly as Rude couldn't suppress a groan as Reno gently moved his hand. "I'm gonna call you Dick. Now Dick, we need to talk."

"Reno…" There was a threatening timbre in Rude's voice, but Reno wasn't having any of it.

"Shut up, I ain't talking to you. Now, Dick, I have a problem." He said seriously, still caressing the hardening shaft. "My partner is all cranky at me and I don't know why. I figure since you and I know each other and well, he's rather *attached* to you, you could help me out."

"You are acting crazy." Rude snorted. Reno ignored him.

"See, I know Rude's cranky at me but I don't know what the fuck I've done. So let's go through the options." Reno leaned forward and thoughtfully tapped the growing cock to his chin. "Broken his shades again?"

Over his shoulder he could see Rude roll his eyes at that.

"Nah, that's right, yo." He still talked to the penis. "I do that so much, it can't be that. Anyway, Tseng withdraws the cost of those from my salary every month, so…" He shrugged, letting the motion rub off on his hand. Smirking, he heard Rude stifle a groan. "So then what?" A though hit him. "Hey, if it's about that guy I had to fuck…."

"That was just work," Rude said softly. "It didn't mean anything."

"Damn right it didn't!" Thoughtfully, Reno kept on caressing, up and down. "So if it ain't jealousy, maybe envy?" He grinned down at the now very hard cock. "'Cause you see, Dick, everyone loves Reno – ow!" He yelped as Rude smacked his ass. "Fine, fine….How about a kiss to make up, Dicky?" He leaned forward to press his mouth against the straining erection but was suddenly manhandled around, pressed down on his back on the bed with a glaring Rude leaning over him.

"You just don't know when to quit, do you?" Rude growled, even as he pressed his hips harder down on Reno's.

"Fine, you gonna dry fuck me then go ahead!" Reno snarled back, trashing in the grip. "But if you're gonna punish me at least tell me why, damn it!"

Rude sighed and relaxed his harsh grip a fraction, leaning his face against Reno's chest.

"I'm not going to hurt you. You know that." Rude looked up. "Why did you steal Tseng's lunchbox and blame it on me?"

"What?" Reno said, genuinely confused. "I didn't do that! You know I wouldn't eat Tseng's food, there's just tofu and lenses and shit like that. I don't do health food, yo. That kind of crap can't be good. And," he added a bit more seriously, "I'd never blame you if I did."

Rude held his gaze for a long moment. Then he sighed and looked away.

"You are right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have blamed you." He smiled wryly. "I guess I did act like a dick."

"Damn right you did." Reno squirmed demandingly underneath him. "So, you're gonna give me some make up sex or what?"

Rude snorted, but leaned up to kiss him.

"You are one of a kind, partner."

"Hell, yeah. Now let's put Dick to work."