BEOWULF:
The Musical
(Based on the Anglo-Saxon poem, Beowulf)
Book and (most) lyrics by Dee
Disclaimer: I do not own Beowulf, any of the characters, The Producers, Phantom of the Opera, Beauty and the Beast, RENT, Legally Blonde, The Wizard of Oz, Aida, Hairspray, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Deamcoat, Shrek the Musical, or Wicked.
Musical Numbers
ACT I
1. Springtime for Hrothgar sung by the Danes and Hrothgar
("Springtime for Hitler" from The Producers)
2. Massacre sung by Grendel and Dane Warriors
("Masquerade" from The Phantom of the Opera)
3. Beowulf sung by the Geats and Beowulf
("Belle" from Disney's Beauty and the Beast)
4. Message sung by Dane Messenger
("Voice Mail # 4" from RENT)
5. Loyalty sung by Higlac, Geat Warriors, and
("Positive" from Legally Blonde: The Musical) Beowulf
6. Massacre (reprise) sung by Grendel's Mother
("Masquerade (reprise)" from The Phantom of the Opera)
7. Ding, Dong, the Grendel's Dead sung by All Warriors
("Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead" from The Wizard of Oz)
8. Fortune Favors the Brave sung by Hrothgar, Dane Warriors,
("Fortune Favors the Brave" from Aida) Beowulf, Geat Warriors, and Higlac
ACT II
9. Beowulf is the Best sung by Geats, Beowulf and Wiglaf
("Good Morning, Baltimore" from Hairspray)
10. Who Stole the Cup? sung by the Dragon and Geat ("Who's the Thief?" from Joseph and the Amazing villagers
Technicolor Dreamcoat)
11. Geat Pot Pie sung by the Dragon
("Donkey Pot Pie" from Shrek The Musical)
12. Loyalty (reprise) sung by Wiglaf
("Positive" from Legally Blonde: The Musical)
13. Finale sung by Ensemble
("Finale" from Wicked)
ACT I
Scene 1 – Prologue/Grendel's Attack
"Springtime for Hrothgar"
DANES (CHORUS)
SHILD, BEO, AND HEALFDANE ARE GONE,
WHAT A SAD, SAD STORY
WE DANES NEED A NEW LEADER TO KEEP UP
WITH ALL OUR GLORY
WHERE, OH, WHERE IS HE?
WHERE CAN THAT KING BE?
WE LOOKED AROUND, AND THEN WE FOUND
GOLD-FRIEND FOR YOU AND ME . . .
AND NOW IT'S . . .
SPRINGTIME FOR HROTHGAR AND THE DANES
DENMARK IS HAPPY AND GAY!
AS A REWARD HE'S BUILT HEROT
RIGHT HERE ON THIS VACANT LOT
SPRINGTIME FOR HROTHGAR AND THE DANES
HEROT WILL SHIELD US FROM THE COLD!
SPRING TIME FOR HROTHGAR AND THE DANES
HROTHGAR
THANKS TO YOU, DANES
HERE! HAVE SOME MORE GOLD...
(HROTHGAR showers DANES with golden rings, cups, weapons, etc. The men rejoice and dance to the musical interlude – showing they are very noisy, very happy, and very drunk. GRENDEL enters, holding his head at all the noise.)
GRENDEL
(growling) What luck, to get such noisy neighbors! Can't a guy just live in his lake with his mom, with a bit of peace?
GRENDEL'S MOTHER
(calling from offstage) Grendel! Just ask them to turn it down!
(GRENDEL marches to Herot's doors. He knocks loudly. No answer. He knocks again. Still no answer. Finally he knocks so hard he busts the door open)
GRENDEL
Ow! Jeez! A splinter! (roars)
(DANES are frightened. GRENDEL picks one up)
GRENDEL
Can you help me?! (The DANES do not understand him. A frustrated GRENDEL carries him off)
(In the lake where GRENDEL lives.)
GRENDEL
(shaking the DANE) Help me get this splinter out!! (the DANE cowers in fear. Annoyed, GRENDEL attacks and eats him) Hmm, I'd never known Danes to taste so delicious!
GRENDEL'S MOTHER
(offstage) Grendel! What are you doing?
GRENDEL
Nothing, Mom! (aside) I'm gonna get me some more Danes!
(This starts a montage of GRENDEL terrorizing DANES and eating them)
"Massacre"
GRENDEL
MASSACRE! BLOODY ENTRAILS EVERYWHERE! MASSACRE!
RUN AWAY SO THE DANES WILL NEVER FIND YOU!
MASSACRE! HEROT NOW NEEDS TO BEWARE! MASSACRE!
LOOK AROUND – THERE'S ANOTHER DANE BEHIND YOU!
SNEAK AROUND, GRAB A MAN,
THEN RUN OUT, FAST AS YOU CAN. . .
THEN COME BACK, TERRORIZE,
SEE THE FEAR, IN THEIR EYES . . .
DINNER!
TAKE YOUR CLAW, TAKE A STAB AT THE PEOPLE RUNNING AROUND. . .
DANE WARRIORS
HE'S AN INHUMAN RACE. . .
GRENDEL
THEY WILL RUN, THEY CAN HIDE
SOME WILL FIGHT, MOST JUST CRY
SOME ARE TOUGH, SOME ARE NOT
EAT THEM UP, 'FORE THEY ROT!
DINNER!
DRINK IT IN, DRINK IT UP, 'TIL THEY'VE DROWNED
IN THE LAKE . . .
DANE WARRIORS
BURIAL GROUND!
BUT WHO CAN NAME THE FACE?
RANDOM DANE
It's Grendel!
OTHER DANES
Oh.
GRENDEL
MASSACRE! BEAR YOUR TEETH AND SEE THEIR FEAR! MASSACRE!
EAT YOU FILL – LET THE BLOOD AND GUTS SURROUND YOU!
MASSACRE! WATCH THEM TRY TO RUN FROM HERE! MASSACRE!
STOP AND STARE AT THE FRIGHTENED DANES AROUND YOU!
MASSACRE! TEARING MUSCLE, CRUNCHING BONE! MASSACRE!
RUN AND HIDE – BUT I WIL CRACK AND CHEW YOU!
MASSACRE! CHASE THEM FROM THEIR ONLY HOME! MASSACRE!
RUN AND HIDE – BUT I WILL STILL PURSUE YOU!
Scene 2 – Beowulf
"Beowulf"
GEAT (CHORUS)
LOOK, THERE HE GOES
THE BOY IS STRANGE, BUT SPECIAL
HE'S GOT THE STRENGTH OF THIRTY MEN
MEN
NEVER PART OF ANY CROWD
GIRLS
(dreamily)
BUT HE SHOULD BE ON A CLOUD...
ALL
AND ALL THE FIENDS AND DEMONS HE CONDEMS
BRECCA
Hey, Beowulf!
BEOWULF
Hello, Brecca!
BRECCA
Tide's high today! Are you ready?
BEOWULF
Brecca, I was born ready.
(They march through the village to the sea. The GEATS follow to watch)
GEAT WOMAN #1
NOW, IT'S NO WONDER THAT HIS NAME
MEANS "BEAR-WOLF"
HIS STRENGTH HAS GOT NO PARALLEL
GEAT MAN #1
AND HIS LOYALTY'S THE SAME
IT PUTS A LOT OF MEN TO SHAME
YES, HE'S A GREAT MAN AND A WARRIOR, HE'S SWELL!
BEOWULF
(to BRECCA)
OHHHHH, ISN'T THIS AMAZING?
THE WHOLE TOWN HAS COME OUT TO SEE
OUR LI'L CHALLENGE, OUR CONTEST
TO FIND OUT WHICH OF US CAN SWIM FARTHER
OUT TO SEE
GEAT (CHORUS)
OFF THERE THEY GO, I WONDER HOW THEY DO IT
GAMBLING MAN
I BET 10 TO 1 ON BEOWULF
GEAT WOMAN #2
A STORM IS ROLLING IN,
HERDRED
I FEAR SO FOR MY KIN
GEAT (CHORUS)
(to HERDRED)
WHY SHOULD YOU?
YOU KNOW THAT HE'S BEOWULF!
(BEOWULF and BRECCA continue their swimming contest. BRECCA starts to falter. BEOWULF notices and stay with him.)
BEOWULF
C'mon, Brecca!
(A storm kicks up. BEOWULF and BRECCA are separated. Sea monsters appear. BEOWULF fights them and wins. But BRECCA is nowhere to be found. BEOWULF must return home without him.)
BEOWULF
(somberly)
Brecca was lost.
(GEAT crowd sad for the lost BRECCA.)
Scene 3 – Help the Danes, Beowulf!
(Time has passed. A messenger comes forth.)
"Messages"
MESSENGER
BEOWULF!
I AM HERTHRO,
FROM THE DANES
(THAT'S IN DENMARK)
ACROSS THE SEA.
WE HAVE A MONSTER
HE'S REALLY TERRIFYING,
EATING US!
WE REALLY NEED HELP,
YOU NEED MORE GLORY,
YOU KNOW YOU NEED GLORY
TAKE THE CHANCE
DON'T BE AFRAID OF FAME AND GLORY
BEOWULF – SELL US YOU SOUL . . .
JUST KIDDING!
BUT WE'RE WAITING . . .
BEOWULF
They need my help! Plus, I'm good at fighting monsters.
(He approaches HIGLAC)
BEOWULF
I must help the Danes, my lord!
HIGLAC
What, now?
BEOWULF
They're being terrorized by a horrific monster! He's eating them, dragging them into his lake; the Danish king, Hrothgar, has no idea what to do! His hall, Herot, stand empty, for twelve years now, for all his men have fled!
HIGLAC
That's terrible!
BEOWULF
I know, right? I believe I'm the only man who can help them. Can I go? Please? Pretty please?
HIGLAC
Well, alright, but . . .
"Loyalty"
HIGLAC
BEOWULF, YOU MAKE SURE THAT
THOUGH YOU FIGHT THAT AWFUL BRAT
THE VIRTUE THAT YOU'RE VALUED AT
STAYS WITH YOU ALWAYS
REMAIN LOYAL TO YOUR KING
AND YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE GOLD RINGS
YOU KNOW THAT LOYALTY'S THE THING
BECAUSE IT REALY PAYS!
GEAT WARRIORS
KEEP YOUR LOYALTY
HIGLAC
THOUGH YOU'RE THERE TO HELP THE DANES
GEAT WARRIORS
KEEP YOUR LOAYLTY
HIGLAC
AND BE PRECISELY SURE THAT YOU'RE NO SLAIN!
YOU CAN TAKE IT IN A FIGHT
YOU AND WE WILL REUNITE!
YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT
BE LOYAL!
Loyal, I say!
BEOWULF
Higlac, Higlac!
DON'T YOU BE ON ALERT
YOU KNOW I NEVER COULD DESERT
THE VERY THOUGHT IS SIMPLY ABSURD
AND I THOUGHT YOU KNEW ME
LOYAL, I'LL REMAIN TO YOU
THAT'S WHAT A WARRIOR MUST DO
I WILL RETURN HERE, YES, IT'S TRUE!
AND I QUITE AGREE THAT . . .
KEEPING LOYAL TO
MY KING, LORD, AND GOLD-FRIEND
BY KEEPING LOYAL TO
HIM, THROUGH THE RANKS I WILL ASCEND
IF YOU LET ME LEAVE TONIGHT
SOON WE ALL CAN REUNITE
YOU TRUST ME, RIGHT?
I'M LOYAL!
(to audience)
It's called comitatus!
HIGLAC
Okay, Beowulf you have proven yourself. Go help the Danes.
BEOWULF
Alright! C'mon, guys!
(He gathers a group of GEAT WARRIORS. They set sail.)
Scene 4 – Geats and Danes
(GEATS are sailing toward the watch post.)
DANE GUARD
Halt! Who goes there?
BEOWULF
It is I, Beowulf, protector of the Geats! I have come to assist the Danes with their problem!
DANE GUARD
What, that Grendel problem? I don't think – (a scuffle as he is shoved aside by HROTHGAR)
HROTHGAR
Beowulf? Beowulf! You're here! Come in, come in! (to the GUARD) You're fired. (He climbs down and they all cross the stage – they are now in Herot, at a feast.) I'm so glad you're here! (To his DANES) this kid is the best. I remember him from when he was just a tot. His dad, Edgetho, had a bit of uh, trouble, with the Wulfings. So him 'n Beowulf and the wife can and stayed with us a bit!
BEOWULF
(gratefully)
And payed off his wergild. Hopefully, I can repay that debt with the defeat of Grendel!
(WARRIORS cheer)
UNFERTH
(slightly more than tipsy)
Now, wait a minute . . . I don't think you're so great . . . I heard you lost to Brecca in that swimming contest!
BEOWULF
No, no, Unferth. You must have misheard. I lost Brecca, not lost to him. And even if I 'lose' Grendel, and not defeat him, you still get the same outcome – he's gone!
(WARRIORS cheer again)
HROTHGAR
Beowulf, are you ready to fight Grendel?
BEOWULF
Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm ready.
HROTHGAR
He comes at night, when we're asleep. Be careful, Beowulf, he's incredibly strong.
BEOWULF
So am I!
HROTHGAR
And, how do you plan to fight him?
BEOWULF
Well, I figure I oughtta go easy on him. Level the playing ground. You say he fights without weapons?
HROTHGAR
None. He just picks us up and eats us.
(DANES murmur somber agreement)
BEOWULF
Then I shall fight without weapons.
UNFERTH
(muttering under his breath)
Cuh-razy!
(Night falls. WARRIORS and HROTHGAR sleep. BEOWULF stays up, waiting.)
GRENDEL
(almost humming)
Massacre . . . bloody entrails – (spies BEOWULF) Hello, change of food.
BEOWULF
My name is Beowulf. You kill the Danes. Prepare to die.
(A fight begins. BEOWULF and GRENDEL wrestle insanely. BEOWULF pulls GRENDEL into a half-nelson.)
BEOWULF
Say uncle! Say uncle!
(GRENDEL growls. He pulls away, but BEOWULF still has his arm. This begins a bizarre type of
tug-o-war. Suddenly GRENDEL'S arm is ripped off.)
GRENDEL
OW!!!! JEEZ! UNCLE!!
(BEOWULF takes GRENDEL'S disembodied arm and chases him out of Herot. GRENDEL retreats to his lake. BEOWULF returns to Herot, holding GRENDEL'S arm aloft.)
BEOWULF
How d'ya like them apples!?
Scene 4 – Rejoice!
(All cheer. HROTHGAR enters, standing at the top of the stairway, staring at GRENDEL'S great claw swinging from BEOWULF'S hands.)
HROTHGAR
Let the joyous news be spread,
The wicked Grendel at last is dead!
"Ding, Dong, The Grendel's Dead"
ALL WARRIORS
DING DONG, THE GRENDEL'S DEAD
HE'S GONE BACK TO THE LAKE BED
DING DONG THE EVIL GRENDEL'S DEAD
WAKE UP – SLEEPY HEAD, RUB YOUR EYES, GET OUT OF BED
WAKE UP, THE HEINOUS GRENDEL IS DEAD.
HE'S GONE WHERE THE GOBLINS GO,
BELOW-BELOW-BELOW. YO-HO, LET'S OPEN UP AND SING AND RING THE BELLS OUT.
DING DONG THE MERRY-O, SING IT HIGH, SING IT LOW.
LET THEM KNOW
THE VICIOUS GRENDEL IS DEAD!
HROTHGAR
(holding the disembodied GRENDEL arm)
Dude . . . this is totally awesome. Wicked . . . We should keep it! I mean wouldn't this just look awesome hanging over our table . . . man . . .
GEAT WARRIOR
Ehm.
HROTHGAR
Uh . . . I mean. Yes, Beowulf, you have given me great joy by defeating the monster, I shall recognize this valor by hanging its arm in the hall forever more, so that all my progeny may come to know your valor just as I do.
BEOWULF
. . . Yeah!!
(RANDOM WARRIOR whispers in BEOWULF'S ear. BEOWULF now understands what HROTHGAR was saying.)
BEOWULF
Oh, yeah, totally. Awesome. Right on. (BEOWULF snaps, claps, points at HROTHGAR)
HROTHGAR
And, in recognition of your deeds, I shall give you these boons. I shall make you as my own son, and give you a gift of eight horses, with golden bridals and saddles, a golden banner, a helmet, a coat of mail, and ancient sword. These are the worthy rewards for one such as you.
BEOWULF
(under his breath) I thought there'd be chicks . . .
RANDOM WARRIOR
Ehm!!!
BEOWULF
Oh, right! Thank you so much Hrothgar, I am unworthy of such praise . . . But I like the shiny . . . I'll take it!
HROTHGAR
We shall feast!!
WARRIORS
Hooray!!!
Scene 5 – Grendel's Mother
(GRENDEL staggers into the underwater cave. His MOTHER sees him.)
GRENDEL'S MOTHER
Grendel! What happened?
GRENDEL
Mom, I'm sorry . . . I've been lying to you. I've been eating Danes . . . they tasted . . . Mom, I . . . I . . . (dies)
GRENDEL'S MOTHER
Grendel! What have I told you?! With Danes, it's one minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips! Grendel? Look at me when I'm talkin' to you. Grendel? Oh, no! He's dead!
"Massacre (reprise)"
GRENDEL'S MOTHER
(holding GRENDEL in her arms)
MASSACRE, BLOODY ENTRAILS EVERYWHERE
GRENDEL, I LOVE YOU . . .
I shall reap bloody revenge on the monstrous Danes who have taken my son from me!!
(She exits, fuming.)
Scene 6 – Mother's Revenge
(WARRIORS still feasting. Soon they fall asleep.)
HROTHGAR
Beowulf, you don't have to sleep with these common thanes. Come, let's give you a proper room.
BEOWULF
Sure, I'm okay with that, the men'll be fine for one night without me.
HROTHGAR
Of course they'll be fine! Now that Grendel is dead, we have nothing to fear!
(They exit, night falls, and GRENDEL'S MOTHER approaches Herot)
GRENDEL'S MOTHER
And now, for a little revenge . . . oh, I missed the marauding business. Nice to be back on my game again!
(She barges into Herot, grabs ESHER and GRENDEL'S arm, and moves to exit. Several DANES attempt to stop her, but to no avail. BEOWULF enters just as she leaves.)
HROTHGAR
Was that Esher? What was that thing that took him? And the beast's arm is gone as well!
BEOWULF
It could only be Grendel's mother.
HROTHGAR
We must go after her . . . it? It. We must go after it, and avenge my friend!
UNFERTH
We shall go, Beowulf shall lead us.
BEOWULF
I will? I mean, I will!
(BEOWULF, UNFERTH, and WARRIORS exit, the lake appears)
BEOWULF
Um. Wow. That is disgusting. Snakes and . . . I don't even want to think about what that is.
(ESHER'S head floats to the surface. WARRIORS scream like little girls, UNFERTH throws up, BEOWULF gags.)
BEOWULF
That, is not a good sign.
UNFERTH
Agreed. You going in there?
BEOWULF
Yep. Got to.
UNFERTH
Take this. You'll probably need it. (UNFERTH hands BEOWULF an ornate sword.)
BEOWULF
Hrunting!
UNFERTH
Hrunting! Yeah, and be careful with it, it was my ancestors'.
BEOWULF
Here I go . . .
(Beowulf dives into the lake, swims into GRENDEL'S MOTHER'S cave)
GRENDEL'S MOTHER
What are YOU doing here?
BEOWULF
I have come to avenge the death of Esher!
GRENDEL'S MOTHER
Why do you care?
BEOWULF
Because. Because I do.
GRENDEL'S MOTHER
Yeah. Okay then. Let's do this, shall we?
BEOWULF
Bring it!!
(They fight, Hrunting shatters)
GRENDEL'S MOTHER
Whatcha gonna do now? Huh?
BEOWULF
That wasn't even mine!
(GRENDEL'S MOTHER jumps BEOWULF. He spies a sword on the wall. It's a beautifully crafted giant sword. He grabs it and slices GRENDEL'S MOTHER'S head off. The blade of the sword disintegrates. Beowulf tucks the hilt in his belt.)
BEOWULF
Yes! I am the man!
(He crosses to where GRENDEL'S corpse lies, cuts off his head and takes it. Exits cave.)
Scene 7 – On the Shore
(ALL WARRIORS are sitting around waiting for BEOWULF'S hopeful return)
RANDOM DANE
Well, this is boring . . .
RANDOM GEAT
Hey, our leader is in there! Show some respect!
RANDOM DANE # 2
(to DANES)
He's been in there a long time. I don't think he's comin' back. Let's go tell Hrothgar.
GEATS
Suit yourself. (They settle in showing, that they are staying. DANES shrug and leave.)
(BEOWULF jumps out of the lake.)
BEOWULF
That was harder on the way back.
GEATS
Beowulf! You're back! You're alive!
RANDOM GEAT
Hrothgar thinks you're dead! The Danes just left to tell him that!
BEOWULF
Then we'd better get back there quickly!
(They run to Herot and find HROTHGAR who seems very surprised.)
HROTHGAR
Beowulf! You're back! You're alive!
GEAT WARRIORS
That's what we said.
BEOWULF
(holding GRENDEL'S head high.)
And I have destroyed the evil completely!
(All cheer.)
HIGLAC
I can't thank you enough! How did you do it?
BEOWULF
I tried to use Hrunting, but the beast's skin was too tough. The blade shattered. (to UNFERTH) I'm sorry 'bout that, man. (back to HROTHGAR) Then I spotted this amazing sword. So I grab it, right, and hack at the monster. Wham! Her head goes flying! Then I cut off Grendel's head, just to be safe.
WARRIORS
Wow.
HIGLAC
You're incredible, Beowulf! I can't thank you enough! I must shower you with more gifts! Here!
"Fortune Favors The Brave"
ALL WARRIORS
OH, OH,
FORTUNE FAVORS THE BRAVE
OH, OH
FORTUNE FAVORS THE BRAVE
HROTHGAR
YOU HAVE SWEPT TO GLORY,
YOU HAVE RID US OF THE THREAT
YOU KILLED GRENDEL AND HIS MOTHER
WE ARE ALWAYS IN YOUR DEBT
HE TORTURED US, HE PICKED US OFF,
HE ATE US ONE BY ONE
BUT YOU CAME AND HELPED US,
AND NOW HE'S DEAD AND DONE!
DANES
OH, OH
FORTUNE FAVORS THE BRAVE
BEOWULF
I'VE SAVED YOU DANES, I'VE HELPED YOU TWICE
YOU'VE GIVEN ME MANY LOVELY GIFTS
IT'S BEEN AWESOME HELPING YOU
BUT NOW WE SAIL TOWARD HOME CLIFFS!
(BEOWULF and the GEAT WARRIORS climb aboard their ship and sail to the Geat land.)
I SEIZED THE DAY
I BEAT THE BEAST
I'VE STAYED LOYAL
AND BRAVE AND STRONG
BUT I'M SO READY TO GO HOME
(They reach home. BEOWULF and GEATS are greeted by HIGLAC and his wife. BEOWULF tells HIGLAC the story and HIGLAC gives him even more gifts; specifically, a sword, 7,000 hides of land and inheritance to the Geat throne.)
GEATS
FORTUNE FAVORS THE BRAVE
HIGLAC
(whilst showering BEOWULF with more gifts)
YOU'RE ALIVE, SO LET US REJOICE
YOU'VE COME HOME, SAFE AND SOUND
HAVE A SWORD AND SOME LAND
AND FOR FAME: YOU ARE RENOWNED!
NOTHING IS AN ACCIDENT
YOU WERE GIVEN STRENGTH AWESOME
YOU ARE SIMPLY A HERO
AND THE DANES YOU CAME BACK FROM
YOU'VE STAYED QUITE LOYAL TO ME
AND NOW YOU'RE BACK WHERE YOU BELONG
AND YOU'LL BE KING AFTER HERDRED
FORTUNE FAVORS THE STRONG
GEAT WARRIORS
OH, OH
BEOWULF & HIGLAC
FORTUNE FAVORS THE LOYAL!
GEAT WARRIORS
OH, OH
ALL
FORTUNE FAVORS THE BRAVE!
(Blackout.)
INTERMISSION
ACT II
Scene 1 – Fifty Years Later
"Beowulf is the Best"
GEATS
OH, OH, OH
BEOWULF'S BEEN OUR KING AND GOLD-FRIEND
FOR FIFTY YEARS
OH, OH, OH
HIGLAC HAS DIED, AND HERDERD'S GONE TOO
AND NEXT IN THE QUEUE
WAS OUR BEOWULF
YES, THE BEOWULF
IT'S LIKE A MESSAGE FROM HIGH ABOVE
OH, OH, OH
THAT BEOWULF'S THE KING THAT WE WILL
ETERNALLY LOVE . . .
BEOWULF IS THE BEST
AND UNDER HIM WE FEEL QUITE BLESSED
WE'RE AS SAFE AS SAFE CAN BE
BEOWULF
OTHER TRIBES STAY AWAY FROM ME
GEATS
BEOWULF IS THE BEST
THIS IS JOY THAT WE'VE EXPRESSED
THERE SIMPLY IS NO DEBATE
BEOWULF IS GREAT
OH, OH, OH,
OUR LIVES ARE RICH, AND WITHOUT A HITCH
OUR PLANS ALL GO
OH, OH, OH
WIGLAF
THERE ARE NO MONSTERS OR BATTLES
(noticing everyone staring at him.)
SORRY TO PRATTLE
GEATS
AND LIFE IS ALL GOOD
FITTING THAT IT SHOULD
BE, 'CAUSE BEOWULF TAKES CARE OF EVERYONE
OH, OH, OH
WHAT A FABULOUS PLACE OUR KINGDOM HAS NOW BECOME!
BEOWULF IS THE BEST
AND UNDER HIM WE FEEL QUITE BLESSED
WE'RE AS SAFE AS SAFE CAN BE
BEOWULF
OTHER TRIBES STAY AWAY FROM ME
GEATS
BEOWULF IS THE BEST
THIS IS JOY THAT WE'VE EXPRESSED
THERE SIMPLY IS NO DEBATE
BEOWULF IS GREAT
OH, OH, OH
BEOWULF MAKES ALL OUR LIVES FINE
AND VERY DANDY . . .
BEOWULF
BEOWULF
MAKES OUR LIVES FINE AND DANDY
BEOWULF IS THE BEST
AND UNDER HIM WE FEEL QUITE BLESSED
WE'RE AS SAFE AS SAFE CAN BE
BEOWULF
OTHER TRIBES STAY AWAY FROM ME
GEATS
BEOWULF IS THE BEST
THIS IS JOY THAT WE'VE EXPRESSED
THERE SIMPLY IS NO DEBATE
BEOWULF IS GREAT
BEOWULF IS GREAT!
BEOWULF IS GREAT!
BEOWULF IS GREAT!
Scene 2 – Slave and Master
(A SLAVE runs onstage.)
MASTER
(Offstage)
And if you do it again, you be dead!
SLAVE
(out of breath)
Jeez, who knew he hated Brussels sprouts that much? If I go back empty handed, he'll probably beat me again.(looking up) And it's starting to rain. Just my luck. There's a cave. I can stay there until the weather lets up. (enter cave, looking around, sees lots of treasure) Holy . . . Ha-ha! I've stumbled upon some kind of lost treasure! (takes an ornate cup in his hands) Incredible! If I give this to my master, he'll surely ease up on me!
(The SLAVE leaves the cave with the cup. As soon as he goes, a DRAGON enters after having a nice nap.)
DRAGON
(checking his treasure)
17 crowns, check. 43 gold necklaces, check. Harry Potter action figure, check. 84 cups . . . I should have 85 . . . (recounts quickly) SOME ONE STOLE MY BEST JEWEL-ENCRUSTED GOLDEN CUP!
(DRAGON exits cave, begins rampage on the Geat territory. Many GEATS try to run. DRAGON attacks.)
"Who Stole The Cup?"
DRAGON
STOP, YOU ROBBERS -
YOUR LITTLE NUMBER'S UP
ONE OF YOU HAS STOLEN
MY PRECIOUS GOLDEN CUP.
I WILL NOW START SEARCHING,
PILLAGE AND RANSACK
I'LL GO THROUGH YOUR THINGS
'TIL I GET IT BACK!
GEATS
WHO'S THE THIEF?
WHO'S THE THIEF?
WHO'S THE THIEF?
WHO'S THE THEIF?
DRAGON GEATS
IS IT IN HERE? NO!
IS IT IN THERE? HELP!
ON A BOAT? AH!
WHERE'S MY CUP?
IN A HOUSE? NO!
UNDER A BED? HELP!
IN A TREE? AH!
WHERE'S MY CUP?
IN A BOX? NO!
WITH A FOX? HELP!
IN A PARK? AH!
WHERE . . .
GEATS
COULD IT BE? COULD IT BE?
COULD IT BE? COULD IT BE?
COULD IT BE? COULD IT BE?
MASTER
COULD IT POSSIBLY BE MY SLAVE?
YES, YES, YES!
Scene 3 – What to do?
(BEOWULF enters, holding his sword and shield. It is a meeting with the WARRIORS.)
BEOWULF
One of my subjects has stolen from the dragon, and now it's terrorizing my people! I must right this wrong-doing.
WIGLAF
But, my lord, you're kinda . . . old.
BEOWULF
I don't intend to live.
(GEAT WARRIORS gasp.)
BEOWULF
I've lived my life. I must protect my people. And if dying in battle isn't glory, I don't know what is. I'm ready. I still have most of my strength. Now, I just need a way to find the dragon's lair.
(The MASTER enters, dragging his slave.)
MASTER
I think I've solved your problems, Beowulf. This is the cretin who stole from the dragon. He will lead to you it's home.
SLAVE
I don't wanna die!
MASTER
Silence! Now, go.
(SLAVE gulps, visibly frightened.)
SLAVE
(to WARRIORS and BEOWULF)
R-right this w-w-way. (exits)
(WARRIORS and BEOWULF follow.)
Scene 4 – One Last Battle
(The DRAGON'S cave looms. SLAVE, BEOWULF and WARRIORS enter.)
SLAVE
It's right here.
BEOWULF
You have done your duty.
SLAVE
I'm sorry. (runs away.)
(BEOWULF takes a big breath.)
WIGLAF
Surely, you'll make it out.
BEOWULF
Don't call me Shirley.
WIGLAF
We're all behind you. If you need help . . .
(BEOWULF shakes his head.)
BEOWULF
I have to do this alone.
(He enters the cave, comes face to face with the DRAGON.)
"Geat Pot Pie"
DRAGON
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
YOU DIDN'T KNOCK WHEN YOU ENTERED, BABY
YOU DIDN'T WIPE YOUR FEET
I DIDN'T SEE NO OPEN HOUSE SIGN
IS THIS A TRICK OR TREAT?
OO-OO-OO!
YOU NEED TO BRUSH UP ON FAIRYTALES, FRIEND
CAUSE DRAGONS LIKE THEIR SLEEP
I WROTE THE BOOK ON FIRE-BREATHING
WHY DON'T YOU READ IT AND WE-EE-EEP?
I'M GONNA SHAKE YOU!
I'M GONNA BAKE YOU
I'M GONNA MAKE YOU A GEAT POT PIE
SALISBURY STEAK YOU
I'LL FROSTED FLAKE YOU
I'LL PATTY-CAKE YOU, MY GEAT POT PIE
YEAH!
BEOWULF
Foul beast! I'll have you!
(BEOWULF tries to attack the DRAGON. The DRAGON simply breathes fire on him and begins melting his shield. BEOWULF continues his fruitless attacks. The DRAGON knocks him around. BEOWULF falls.)
DRAGON
HAHAHA. You failed! Now I'll eat you!
(The GEAT WARRIORS peek their heads in to see how it's going. They register what's happening, squeal like small children and run away. WIGLAF remains.)
WIGLAF
Guys, we should go help – (he sees everyone gone.) Aw, c'mon guys. Cowards!
(WIGLAF enters the fray, hitting the DRAGON with his sword. The DRAGON turns around and burns WIGLAF'S shield to a crisp.)
WIGLAF
That ain't good. (He hides behind BEOWULF'S partial shield.) Beloved Beowulf, remember how you boasted, once, that nothing in the world would ever destroy your fame: fight to keep it, now, be strong and brave, my noble king, protecting life and fame together. My sword will fight at your side!
BEOWULF
Where did that come from?
WIGLAF
It . . . just sorta popped into my head . . . Come on, Beowulf! We can defeat it!
Scene 5 – Victory or Loss?
(Heartened, both BEOWULF and WIGLAF jump up. WIGLAF crosses behind the DRAGON. BEOWULF strikes the DRAGON with his sword, but it breaks.)
BEOWULF
Why does that always happen to me!?!
DRAGON
ARHHH!
(DRAGON charges BEOWULF, his fangs catch BEOWULF in the neck.)
WIGLAF
Beowulf!
BEOWULF
Keep fighting!
(WIGLAF drives his own sword into the DRAGON'S underbelly. The DRAGON screams in pain. BEOWULF jumps up and slices the DRAGON in half with his dagger. The DRAGON dies.)
WIGLAF
Yes! Ha-ha! We did it! Beowulf?
(BEOWULF lays on the ground, the poison is taking effect.)
WIGLAF
Oh, no, Beowulf!
BEOWULF
Wiglaf, I'm dying.
WIGLAF
No!
BEOWULF
I don't have an heir . . . But you, you stayed to help me . . . The Geats need a good, strong king. Will you do it?
WIGLAF
Me?
BEOWULF
You are the best one . . . for the job.
WIGLAF
But, I . . .
BEOWULF
The beast is dead. The treasure belongs to the Geats. Let me see it.
(WIGLAF lifts BEOWULF just enough to see the huge treasure pile.)
BEOWULF
Prosperity for my people . . . They will be safe . . . Good.
(BEOWULF is overcome by the venom from the DRAGON and dies.)
"Loyalty (reprise)"
WIGLAF
KEEP YOUR LOYALTY . . .
I HELPED YOU SLAY THE BEAST
I'VE KEPT MY LOYALTY
BUT NOW, MY KING, YOU ARE DECEASED . . .
(He exits the cave to find the other WARRIORS standing outside, looking ashamed.)
WIGLAF
Beowulf's dead. Are you happy?! You ran out like pusillanimous children when he needed you!
WHERE IS YOUR LOYALTY?
YOU'RE ALL ACTING LIKE COWARDS
WHERE WAS YOUR LOYALTY
WHEN YOUR KING WAS OVERPOWERED?
HE WAS LOSING IN THE FIGHT
YET YOU ALL RAN IN YOUR FRIGHT
I JUST HOPE YOU FEEL CONTRITE!
(disgustedly)
Chicken-hearted babies. You shall get none of this treasure. You don't deserve it. It will be buried with our king.
Scene 6 – The Funeral
(A large funeral pyre is seen. BEOWULF'S body lies on it, his treasure around him. GEAT MOURNERS travel the stage, looking crestfallen. GEAT WARRIORS who ran still look ashamed. WIGLAF is leading a funeral procession. They lit the pyre. The ghosts of HROTHGAR and HIGLAC watch from higher scaffolding. BEOWULF'S spirit joins them and they all watch over the GEATS on one side of the stage and the DANES on the other. The fire dies and the GEATS bury BEOWULF'S treasure in a mound. All stay in place for finale.)
Scene 7 – Finale
"Finale"
GEATS
WE ALL WILL MOURN OUR KING
NOW THAT HE IS DEAD AND GONE
NOW THERE IS NO SAFETY IN THE LAND
WIGLAF
Now that Beowulf is dead, many other tribes will attack us. Beowulf's last wishes were that the Geats would be rich and safe. But we rid ourselves of the treasure (it was cursed, anyway) and he cannot protect us. The outlook is bleak . . .
ALL
BEOWULF!
BEOWULF. . .
BEOWULF
I SIEZED THE DAY, I BEAT MANY BEASTS
BEOWULF, HROTHGAR & HIGLAC
I'VE STAYED LOYAL
GEATS
HE WAS A GEN'ROUS KING . . .
WIGLAF
FORTUNE FAVORS . . .
WARRIORS
FAVORS THE BRAVE
GEATS
WE ALL WILL MOURN OUR BEOWULF . . .
ALL WARRIORS
BEOWULF!
ENSEMBLE
BEOWULF!!
Fin.
Credits
"Springtime for Hitler"
From The Producers
Music by Mel Brooks
Lyrics by Mel Brooks
"Masquerade"
From The Phantom of the Opera
Music by Andrew Lloyd Webber
Lyrics by Charles Hart
"Belle"
From Disney's Beauty and the Beast
Music by Alan Menken
Lyrics by Howard Ashman, Tim Rice
"Voice Mail # 4"
From RENT
Music by Jonathan Larson
Lyrics by Jonathan Larson
"Positive"
From Legally Blonde: The Musical
Music by Laurence O'Keefe, Nell Benjamin
Lyrics by Laurence O'Keefe, Nell Benjamin
"Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead"
From The Wizard of Oz
Music by Harold Arlen
Lyrics by E. Y. Harburg
"Fortune Favors the Brave"
From Aida
Music by Elton John
Lyrics by Tim Rice
"Good Morning, Baltimore"
From Hairspray
Music by Marc Shaiman
Lyrics by Scott Wittman, Marc Shaiman
"Who's the Thief?"
From Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
Music by Andrew Lloyd Webber
Lyrics by Tim Rice
"Donkey Pot Pie"
From Shrek the Musical
Music by Jeanine Tesori
Lyrics by David Lindsey-Abaire
"Finale"
From Wicked
Music by Stephen Schwartz
Lyrics by Stephen Schwartz