Disclaimer: Eric Kripke owns John, Dean, and Sam Winchester (and all we can do as fans is play with them through fanfiction).
A/N: The title "Hole in the World" comes from an Eagles song.
Summary: Sam gets the acceptance letter to Stanford University, and Dean broods over the matter. (Some hurt!Dean for all you hurt!Dean fans out there.)
Hole in the World2001
Dean had been dreading the day Sam would get the letter bearing the good news. In fact, he had been more worried than anxious, for if Sam did get the letter, then the heavy silence that had already settled between his brother and father would only grow heavier and more silent. So when John, Dean, and Sam drove back into Chicago, Illinois (in separate cars, of course. John and his truck, and Dean and the Impala, Sam riding with him) just in time for Sam's graduation from high school, and after they had checked into the cheapest (and, unintentionally, dirtiest) motel they could find, the first thing Sam set out to do was check the P.O. box at the local post office they had registered for a few years back.
"It's probably not in yet, Sammy," Dean called as Sam slammed the front door. Dean frowned, staring at the door from the foot of one of the two beds in the room (John had taken residence in the room next door, still not able to be in the same room as Sam). Of course if it is…
Stop thinking that, Dean! It can't happen. It won't happen.
Of course, Dean was not about to tell Sam that he couldn't leave for college just yet. If he did, he would seem too needy, which was something Dean rarely was. If there was one thing he was proud of, it was his ability to remain as distant as possible. If need be, he could travel across the U.S. should his dad die while hunting. But for now Dean stuck with the family, helping John hunt down the creatures they encountered periodically and occasionally breaking up the frequent fights Sam and John had.
"Damn it, Sam," Dean muttered, leaving the room and visiting his dad, yearning for some company to keep his mind off the fact that Sam may go to college.
"Dean. This is a nice surprise."
"Yeah. Sam just went off to the post office," Dean said, walking into the room. "Seeing if the letter came and all."
John chuckled, a radiant smile appearing on his usually neutral face that didn't quite make it to his cold green eyes. "Well, I can't imagine he'll ever get the letter. Besides, college'll probably be too boring, even for him."
Dean had to laugh along with his dad. He couldn't not laugh after all. But the thought still plagued him, and he couldn't help but wonder, "What if he does though?"
The grin vanished from John's face as quickly as it had appeared, and once again his face was neutral and distant. "If he does then…" John shrugged. "Good for him, I suppose. It will be. Hell, I hope he gets in."
"Aren't you worried about him leaving though? I mean, it's just been the three of us. And we all work better when hunting—you know, I watch your back. He watches mine, and you watch his. It's always been like that, Dad. Why change it now?"
"Maybe you should ask him that yourself, Dean," John suggested. Truthfully when he had heard about Sam's plans on applying to colleges, that had been his first thought. But since then John had gotten used to the idea. After all, Sam was his son. Why not be proud? But at the same time he also worried for him. "He'll be safe, Dean."
Dean shrugged. "I know that."
"It's his own choice."
"I know."
"Dean?"
Dean could hear the door open to the adjacent room. There were some footsteps, a slam of a door, and then the door to John's room open. "Dean."
Dean turned his head and saw the wide grin on Sam's face dissolve into a frown.
"Dad," Sam greeted coldly.
"Sam," John replied, the same level of coldness present in his voice.
Uh oh, Dean thought. He knew what would happen next—it always happened. First they would fight, using just words. And then it would escalate until Dean stepped between them, just before the punches started, though taking swings at each other was very rare. Dean only remembered one occasion where Sam flexed his hand into a fist, but Dean had, luckily, stopped the fight before it had gotten worse.
"So what'd the letter say?" Dean asked, breaking the silence that nestled in the room.
"I got accepted."
Dean instinctively knew that he did. Sam was smart, and Dean knew that. But he still managed to say, "Congratulations, Sammy," even though the thought of his family being torn apart was too heartbreaking, to say the least.
"Congratulations, Sam," John said as well, the slight drawl in his voice drawn out as if he were cherishing saying the words to his son. "I didn't know if a son of mine would ever go to college."
"Well, maybe you just never expected your son to not live up to his father's standards. Hunting, learning how to use a shotgun…things like that."
"What else can you learn to hunt demons and whatnot in the first place?"
"There is a world out there, Dad," Sam said, raising his voice slightly. Dean flinched internally; he never liked it when Sam got angry. It was so rare to see Sam angry that when he did get angry Dean always wished he didn't. "There is a world outside of hunting demons and ghosts and creatures. I mean, maybe if you just opened your eyes then you'd see that."
"See what, Sam?" John's voice was also raised. "See the violence that's also out there? See the people corrupted by society's laws? This is our world, Sam, and don't you ever forget that."
"But I'm not like you! I'm not Dean! I don't belong in this world and even you know it, but you're so stubborn you're willing to overlook the fact that one of your sons might want to live a normal life!" Sam shouted.
Dean knew what he had to do. "Sam, just back off for a second, will you?"
"If you wanted to leave this family I could've just dumped you off anywhere in the U.S.—Texas, New Mexico. But I didn't, Sam. I supported you and you should at least be grateful for that, so don't rag on me how I neglected you!"
"Dad, Sam, just stop it for a minute, huh?" Dean said, but his quiet voice was useless against the shouts. He saw Sam's right hand curl into a tight fist. "Guys, don't." Dean moved between his father and brother. "Sam, back off, all right?"
But it was too late. In the heat of the moment Sam swung.
It's happened before, Dean thought. But Sam had never hit him. Never. So when Dean felt Sam's fist slam into his left eye, all Dean could think about was the fact that Sam had actually punched him.
Dean's ears rang for a second or two after the punch. For a moment he thought the ringing was only in his ears, but then he realized it was in the atmosphere as well. Neither Sam nor John moved an inch. All Dean could do was stare at Sam as if asking him, "Why?" before leaving the room.
-
The only thing that surprised Dean was that Sam had actually tried to take a swing at John. While Dean was usually one for Sam to step up and take action, he didn't know he would take that action. Damn it, Sammy, Dean thought as he ran a rag under cold water, and then applied it to his left eye, which was already showing signs of being bruised.
But it didn't just surprise him. It hurt him as well. Sure, he and Sam had had their occasional brotherly fights, but never had one hit the other before, so when Sam swung his fist at Dad, and when Dean had stepped in between them, he was sure Sam's swing would stop short of his face. But it hadn't. It didn't.
A knock came at the bathroom door. "Dean? You in there?"
"Yeah," Dean managed to answer. He unlocked the door, letting Sam get a good look at the bruised eye. "Well, you look good."
"God, I'm so sorry, Dean," Sam apologized hurriedly. "I didn't mean to hit you, I swear."
"Yeah. You just meant to hit Dad," Dean said coldly. Maybe too coldly. He saw Sam flinch at the words. "I'm sorry."
Sam shook his head. "No. You're right."
Dean moved past Sam to sit on a bed. "I am?"
Sam chuckled, sitting on the bed next to Dean's. "Yeah. Thank you, man."
"What for? For getting hit?" Dean asked, gingerly touching his bruised eye.
"Actually, yeah," Sam admitted. "Just think, Dean. If I had actually punched Dad, he'd skin me alive."
"Well, he'd probably kill you first," said Dean. "And then he'd skin you."
"That's true too," Sam agreed, laughing once more before growing silent. "You're happy for me, Dean, aren't you?"
Moment of truth, Dean. Answer it. "Of course I'm happy for you, Sammy. I mean, you're my brother. Why can't I be happy for you?"
"Dad seems pretty disappointed."
Good point. But he has a right to"Yeah," Dean said with a sigh. "Can't really explain that one, you know? But he's happy for you, too." He glanced at Sam quickly before setting his eyes upon the blank TV. "We're all happy for you."
"So you're okay with me going to Stanford?"
No, because then you're splitting up the family even more and if Dad dies, then who'll I turn to? Who'll I have left in my family? "Yeah," Dean answered hesitantly. "Yeah, I am."
"Because if it…" Sam sighed. "If it causes any trouble," he began again, "then I could stay."
"Sam, you wanted this, right?" Dean asked.
"Yeah. Why?"
"Then go for it. Don't worry about us—Dad and me. Just go and live your life the way you want to. Go be normal, Sam."
"Are you sure, Dean? Because what with Dad being all grumpy about it—"
"Well, don't mind him then," Dean interrupted. He was starting to be on the last straw with Sam, but he'd do anything to convince his brother to go to college. He at least deserved that. "You're eighteen. You can go to college if you want and no one can stop you."
"So you're sure about this?"
"Yes, Sam, I'm sure."
No, I'm not.
But he'd never admit that to Sam. He didn't want to seem too needy and too clingy. Sam was his brother, and college was a safe place. Dean knew that, but he also knew he was giving his brother up to the world, a fact that Dean couldn't grasp no matter how hard he tried. "Just don't do anything I would do at college, all right?"
"You mean like flunk classes and hit on all the freshmen girls?"
Dean laughed. "Exactly that. And I don't want you to show up on any motel doorsteps begging us to take you back until after you graduate and get a steady job."
Sam laughed as well. "All right. Thanks, Dean."
"Don't mention it. You're my brother after all."
Don't go, Sammy.